Present
I sat on that picnic table for I don't know how long, but the sun was about to set soon. I knew I need to get home soon, but I didn't think I could pretend nothing was wrong yet. The beautiful pink hue of the sky that was so rarely seen was helping compose my mood a bit. I wish I had my camera with me then I could take a picture. The lighting was perfect from here and the trees only added to the beauty of the picture, but I guess that's the thing; some things are meant to be experienced not documented.
I got up from the picnic table and was going to head to my car when I realized I had walked here and left it at the convenience store. Groaning because that was actually pretty far from where I was I started walking back.
My journey was filled with silence therefore, more room to think. I didn't even know Paul's last name, just a first name and a general idea of where he lived and that wasn't even verified. We exchanged no contact information, so I virtually had no way of contact him about our situation. And moreover how am I going to take care of a… I couldn't even think the word. That alone spoke volumes about my capabilities to handle this. I never thought I'd actually have to handle anything like this. I always thought when it did I'd be married, sharing the last name of the father and excited to tell everyone my news. Now it's just daunting. The idea of having to tell everyone I was just another small town statistic was frustrating, terrifying and heartbreaking all at the same time.
I was having another anxiety attack as I overthought all these things I was too numb to think about before. Moving my legs as fast I could, I walked through the street of houses to get to my car as fast as I could when I stopped at one I recognized. It belonged to the chief of police Charlie Swan and housed him and his daughter. The chief was also a small town statistic getting his girlfriend Renee Higginbotham pregnant right out of high school. And just like the statistic they subsequently got married and divorced within a two year period. Renee moved from Forks leaving Charlie and Bella and has since not been heard from. The impact of knowing this was very trivial up until this moment, but now I'm in danger of becoming them.
I rush to the door knocking on it loudly. I don't know why I'm coming here, but it was too late because Bella was already opening the door. She stared at me with a very shocked look on her face and reasonably so. No one really ever comes to her house, mainly because she never invites anyone, but also because who wants to go to a person's house when they very clearly would rather be alone. But right now I'm at a loss and need someone to vent to and despite all of her downfalls, she can be a good friend when need. "Can I come in?"
That snaps her out of her shock and nods her head while opening the door wider. When I step into the house I realize it's really quiet. She must be the only one home. We walk upstairs to her room and she flops down on her bed waiting for me to say something. I really want to tell her everything, but I can't even say some of the words in my head let alone out loud.
"I had sex!" I blurt out loudly and Bella just looks at me with wide eyes. I'm not quite sure why I said that but that seemed like as good a start as any.
"Okay." She response in an unsure voice. I understand her easiness; we don't usually talk about such intimate things. Mainly because up until this point neither of us had been that far with a boy, but otherwise we usually kept things like that to ourselves. It was more Jessica or Lauren's thing to talk about their sexual exploits, not me and definitely not her. We didn't need nor want our reputations raised like that.
I start to pace the length of her room. "It was a month and half ago. We had just met that night, I had been drinking. Dear god none of this would have happened had I just stayed sober. He was just so nice at first, but I'm still not quite sure why I did it. I guess I just wanted to be someone other than the ministers daughter for once and now I have some very real consequences and I don't even know how to get in contact with him besides going to the beach and hoping he shows up at point. Oh my god, what is wrong with me?" I flop down on the bed next to her. I'm pretty sure I said all of that in 30 second span, but Bella seemed to comprehend everything nonetheless because she was hugging me into her like a mother would a child. And I finally broke down and cried all the tears I had been bottling up since that night.
I cried for a good fifteen minutes before I was finally able to talk. I lifted my head from her shoulder and asked, "What am I going to do?" My voice was very gravely from crying.
"I don't know." After a ten second pause she spoke. "In all honesty, I was expecting this more from Jessica and then I would have been able to stay quiet the entire time because we both know she can have a conversation with herself. And then she would have left without me ever having to give input, but I'm not all that prepared to give actual advice on a subject I have zero experience in." She sounded a little anxious herself. She was not one for socializing, avoided it when as best as she could.
Her answer made me chuckle a little bit. I knew I was least likely to get knocked up in high school and Jessica and Lauren surpassed my likelihood by a mile, but it's called probability for a reason; the unexpected can still always happen. I lay back on her mattress groaning. It felt good to have finally told someone, but I still didn't have a plan.
"Have you seen a doctor yet?" Bella's voice interrupted my thoughts.
I look over to her from my laying position. "Nope, I just took the test today. I guess the next step should be doctor, but I don't know where to go. Well anywhere this won't get out." I was not looking forward to the day when everyone would know just by looking at me that I'd had sex. "Do you know anywhere?"
Bella gave me a sympathetic look and shook her head. "Sorry never needed a doctor somewhere where no one knew me, but I'm sure we can find one in Port Angeles?" she gave me an uncertain look.
"What do you mean we? I'm the idiot who needs to find an inconspicuous way to get a checkup."
She smiled at me with an amused smirk. "You didn't think I'd let you go alone, did you?"
Like I said, good friend when you need her to be. I pulled myself back to a sitting position and smiled at her. "Thank you." I let out a sigh of relief at least now I'm not completely alone. She just gave me a nod back as her response. Things were silent until she asked me the one question I hadn't really thought about during this entire mess which made feel a little bit like an idiot since that should have been the first question I asked myself.
"Are going to keep it?" She was looking at me with an expectant face, as though I had the answer.
In all honesty, I don't know if I want to keep it. I can't really imagine not calling it it and instead a person. I mean contrary to popular belief I'm not against abortion, but I can't imagine making such a permeant decision. I guess some things are just so permanently ingrained in you that even when you're okay with the idea you can't personally go that route. At least if I keep the pregnancy going I'll have slightly more options and more wiggle room decision wise. But if I don't get an abortion, I'm going to be pregnant. There's a lump in my throat at the thought and it forces me to swallow thickly. My body's going to change drastically and my social life is probably going nonexistent. I mean who going to want to hang out with the pregnant chick. Well Bella obviously, but the rest, I know how shallow they are. But I guess in the long run they really don't matter because I always knew that they were temporary. That after high school we wouldn't really stay in touch except for occasionally. So how am I supposed to decide something so life changing with only a few hours of processing? The thought makes me groan in exasperation.
"Bella can we talk about that some other time. You know when I've had actual time to think about it. I haven't really gotten past the take the test part of my plan and even then I wasn't quite prepared for the result I got."
She gives me another sympathetic look and nods. "Of course, that can wait, but you know you're going to have to make a decision soon?"
I let out a sigh of frustration. "Yeah, I know." We sat in complete silence for about ten minutes when the abrupt sound of Chief Swan getting home interrupted it. It was then I realized just how long I had been out and how mad my parents were going to be mad that I missed dinner.
"Bella?" She turns her head to me. "Can you drive me to store?"
She looks at me in confusion. "Is your car not working?"
"No, it is. It's just I left it there. When the test came out positive I kind of flipped out and just wandered out of the store in no particular direction."
She gave an understanding look. "Yes I can drive you to your car, but not until after dinner. I need to take the lasagna out of the oven in fifteen minutes and I kind of would like to eat it while it's hot."
"Of course, Bella. I don't want to inconvenience you more than I already have." Just then Charlie comes into her room.
"Hey kiddo-" He cuts off his sentence when he notices me. "Angela? What are you doing here?"
I give him a nervous smile as I prepare to answer, but before I can get a word out Bella answers for me. "She was in the neighborhood and decided to stop by and see how I was doing."
He looked a little perplexed by her excuse, but didn't question it. "Well that was nice of you Angela. Are you staying for dinner?"
"Yes she is and after I'm going to take her home." Bella spoke for me again with a saccharine smile. While it was a little agitating to have her speak for me, it was also nice not having put on a façade yet. I'd save that for later when I get home.
We mostly ate dinner in a comfortable silence. Aside from a story about his day fishing and Bella's day reading in the backyard, not much was said. I knew from experience that neither the Chief nor Bella were very talkative people, so none of this came as a surprise that they barely spoke. There was something to be said for being completely comfortable while quiet. At my house nothing's ever silent, the twins make it impossible and my parents value dinner time as a time to talk, spend time together, so silent wasn't really something we did. It wasn't until now that I realize that silence had a value all in its own.
After dinner the Chief went upstairs and I helped Bella with the dishes. Her life was so simplistic and she seemed to never mind this fact. Anybody else would have gone stir crazy, but not her, she reveled in it. It reminded me why we were friends to begin with because despite her love for simplicity, she wasn't simple minded unlike Jessica and Lauren. They craved a world outside their own, but only in a simple manner. Their aspirations never quite made it past leaving this town to find a husband, except maybe Jessica. She had already found who she wanted marry; she just hoped he hopped town with her. I hadn't quite figured everything out; all I knew was that I wanted to take pictures whether that be here or a million miles away it didn't matter as long as I was doing something I loved. But now it seemed my priorities were going to need to shift, drastically because while I might not know much about being a parent I know that they need to come first before everything. And I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that kind of selflessness yet.
Bella's drying her hands with a towel when she breaks our silence. "Ready?" I just nod my head in response and head towards the door. When we're in her ancient truck I lay my head back and sigh. "Thank you for today Bella."
"No problem."
The ride to car is mostly silent, except for the sound of the radio. I find comfort in the song that plays. It's an old classic rock number and makes wish for a simpler time back when I first heard it, but that's not going to happen anytime soon.
As I'm getting out of her truck to walk to my car, Bella speaks to me. "We'll go to Port Angeles on Saturday." It takes me a moment to figure out what she's talking about when I remember our previous conversation. I give her a tentative smile thinking about the prospect of how real a doctor's appointment is going to make all this, but I know this is something I shouldn't put off. I nod my head and simply say, "Saturday" in a grim voice and head to my car.
When I get home and walk through the door the first thing I hear is, "Angela Emmanuelle Weber! Where have you been?!" in my mother's strict voice.
I grumble in annoyance. I knew this was coming, but I couldn't help the frustration that came with my parents over reaction to me being out. It wasn't even 9:00 yet and my mother was already acting as though I was out all night. "I was at Bella's." I say as I walk towards the stairs to go to my room.
My mother decides to follow me. "And why were you at Bella's when you told us you were going to Jessica's?" I can hear the patronizing tone in voice.
"Because I decided to go there last minute when I pasted her house." I couldn't help the irritation that slipped in my voice.
"Well then why didn't you at least call?" Her voice got a little gentler. She knew I worried about Bella sometimes.
"Because I just didn't think to and when it crossed my mind was already almost home so it seemed kind of pointless." I walked into my room with my mother following right along with me. I flopped down on my bed while my mother stood at the end of it.
She crossed her arms over her chest. "Well next time call. Do you know how worried your father and I were when dinner ended and you had yet to come home. And then to call Jessica's house only to have her tell me that you hadn't even showed up. I mean anything could have happened to you for all we knew; you could have been lying in a ditch dead."
Despite her over reaction I kind of saw her point, she was worried about me and I was too inconsiderate for the thought to even cross my mind. "I'm sorry mom. Honestly I just wasn't thinking. If it happens again I'll make sure to call."
My mother's demeanor softened at my words and she gave me a motherly smile. "That's all we ask sweetie." She came over and gave me a hug. When she let me go she smiled and asked, "How was Bella?"
I smile back. "She was fine. Most of my worrying was for nothing, she just enjoys being reclusive."
"Well I'm glad to her that." She says right before walking out of my room and closing the door behind her.
When I cease to hear her footsteps I lay back on my bed and finally let out the tension was built up today. I don't know how I'm going to handle the disappointment from my parents when I finally build up the courage to tell them that they're going to be grandparents sooner than they thought, but that's something I'll deal with when the time comes.