One last note:
This was written before the Beca vs Rebeca vs Rebecca argument was settled, so you'll have to forgive the name
:dododo-lo-do-da-do-da-do-da do do - dododo-la-da-do-da-do-da do do - dododo-la-da-do-da-do-da do do:
Beca groaned into her pillow, groggy and confused. The hell was that? It took her a long while, probably far too long to realize that her cell phone was buzzing somewhere in the depths of her sheets. "Wha? Why?" No one ever called her this early! P.J. wouldn't even be up yet, she was sure of it. EZ would still be comatose. Whyyyyyy?
:dododo-la-da-do-da-do-da do do - dododo-la-da-do-da-do-da do do:
Annoying. Why was her ringtone so annoying? Why were all ringtones since the beginning of time annoying?
Okay, okay, it was not exactly her ringtones fault, but right now she hated the stupid sound.
Her hand shot out, accidentally smacking Hunny hard in the arm. Hunny let out a hurupmh and flipped over, covering her face with a pillow despite the sunglasses that were already firmly in place over her eyes, "Oh my god, answer your fucking phone!"
A whine escaped from Beca's parched throat as she finally pulled her face out of her puddle of comatose hangover drool and cracked an eye, "Ugh god." As always, she too had been wise enough to put her sunglasses on before falling asleep, still the muted light sent sharp pain straight to her temples and made her stomach roll.
:dododo-la-da-do-da-do-da do do - dododo-la-da-do-da-do-da do do:
"Beca!"
"I'm trying!" She shuffled around for a minute, trying to move as little as possible. Why was her head so heavy? Finally her hand connected, somewhat painfully, with the vibrating device down at her kneecap. She let her head release with a sigh and pulled it up, trying twice before succeeding in triggering the 'accept' button.
"Goooooood morning!"
Beca immediately yanked the phone away from her ear, the chipper voice making her wince.
"Is this Rebeca Mitchell?"
Beca rolled onto her back with a groan and fumbled one handed on the nightstand for a cigarette and lighter, knocking an empty bottle to the floor with a crash. Hunny let out another grunt and sent a kick her way, making Beca yelp and kick back. "Dude, violence!"
She manhandled a cigarette from the package, placed it between her lips the wrong way at first, filter facing out and almost lit it before realizing her mistake in the nick of time and flipped it. That...was something you don't do twice...or four times...whatever. "Yeah, this is Beca. Who is this?" Why was she even asking? She already knew. This had to be something about the Bellas...no one else but a Bella person was this happy this early. I mean, come on it was only, she lifted her head as best she could to look at her alarm clock and realized that it was - oh - almost noon.
Still!
"Hello, Beca! This is Phoebe Hodgekiss, president of the Barden Bella Alumni Association." The woman practically sang her title and it made Beca wince again.
Yup. Called it.
She let out a grunt of acknowledgment and softly smacked at Hunny, handing over the cigarette. Hunny took it, barely removing the pillow. "What can I do for you, Ms. Hodgekiss?" She had to bite back a groan as she forced herself up to a sitting position, her head swimming. Once she was there she flopped her arms out over her legs with a huff, her heart racing in her chest as though she had just run a mile. God, she needed to quit smoking while there was still time.
Time for what? She didn't know.
Okay, yes, she was hungover most mornings; it was true; that was just a downside of 'the life'. But in her defense, this was a really bad one and this woman's fake cheerfulness was going to make her sick all over her bed if she wasn't careful. Though, she was not completely convinced that was the hangover. That might have just been Phoebe Hodgekiss.
Hunny whimpered something unintelligible, a sign she was trying to hand back the cigarette and then flopped back onto her stomach, hiding from view the moment it left her hand.
"Well Beca, I'm calling because we have some exciting news!"
"Oh yeah?" She kind of doubted that whatever this woman had to say it would be anything actually 'exciting'. Odds were this was another plea for donations or some shit like that. She took another puff and reached for the nearest somewhat full bottle on the nightstand next to her. She took a huge swallow, grimacing at the burn and the hard roll her stomach gave before the rocky seas began to smooth over in proper hair of the dog style.
"As you know this year's Barden Bella reunion will be held on the eighteenth of June-" Beca zoned out, letting her hangover take her. Ooooh, right, it was May, wasn't it? The annual Bella reunion was coming up. She also should have expected this call.
"Wait, what? I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" The words 'World Championship' had caught her attention.
"I said as you also know," Phoebe huffed with a little less steam than before, "this year is the fourth anniversary of your World Championship win in Denmark and as the competition is held every four years, this year the title will be passed on to another team."
"Oh, errrr, right." God, she hadn't thought about that, had she? Weird. I mean, no big deal or anything but - a sliver of jealousy rumbled in her empty stomach and she had to shake her head at herself. Okay, Bec, chill out. Don't be stupid. No one can ever take that title away from you. You will always be the captain of the first American team to win it – with an all women team at that.
"And while we are all sad to see it go," Phoebe's jolly was back running at full steam ahead, "we have decided to dedicate this year's reunion to the 2012 Bella team!"
"You never know, Ms. Hodgekiss, maybe the new Bellas will keep it in the family," Beca said, lighting another cigarette simply to have something to do with her hands.
"That's the spirit, Beca! The board has been a little, well let's just say dispirited as of late, but perhaps we just need to take a lesson from you and remember our Bella pride. You know,"
Beca's eyes rolled, it was early and she needed to get up and get ready for work soon, "I'm sorry but, um, what can I do for you, Ms. Hodgekiss?"
"Well dear," Beca did not miss the new Junior League-esqe bite to her tone but that's all right, she was kind of used to that. She was not a sunshine and flowers girl and people hate that about her; especially Bellas people. I mean, she was not like - "as the captain we were hoping that we could convince you to attend. Now, we know you told our volunteer last year and the year before that it is simply not feasible for you to fly to wherever the event is being held with your busy work schedule, but I am pleased to say that this year the reunion will be held right there in sunny Los Angeles! Oh, we're all so excited for an excuse to visit the beaches!"
Beca was laughing before the woman even finished her sentence. She should have known this was what the call would be; she got this one annually too. Though usually the call was from a volunteer or some low-level Bella staff. They must really want her this year if the president of the association was calling, "I'm sorry Ms. Hodge-"
"Everyone will be there, dear. You simply must come."
That made the laughter die in her throat, "Everyone? As in...all my Bellas?" She had never even considered going to one of the mixer...reunion...things, not even for a second, she had always kind of thought why bother? The first year post college the Bellas had all agreed they would not go and instead would meet for Chloe's wedding and from what she could see none of her Bellas had ever attended after that. Well, that's not true, Aubrey was always at the front and center of every annual photo, but that was not the point.
"Every single one! Some will be flying from quite far, as I hear it."
For the briefest of moments, Beca imagined what it would be like to have a drink with Fat Amy, Cynthia Rose, Stacie and all the rest of them. She knew how hard she would laugh and how great it would be, but then there was a sudden flare of red across her imagination and the words were coming out of her mouth before she could stop it, "Noooooooo. No way."
"Oh no," Phoebe let out a sad sigh, laying it on thick, "But you will be missing such a wonderful chance to catch up with your old teammates. I'm sure they would all be so excited to see you!"
Catch up? Fuck that, who needed a reunion now that Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter and Tumblr existed? No one ever lost touch! She had all of her Bellas - and Aubrey – and for some inexplicable reason Alice - on both her personal Facebook page as well as her professional one, plus Emily only lived like ten minutes away. They were all there at her fingertips and they were all highly active on their accounts too. She saw all of their food pictures, memes, and rants; okay, all but one stupid redheaded co-captain who was basically technologically illiterate, but whatever, they were all right there if she needed them.
Her stomach gave a small, guilty lurch at the thought. When was the last time she had spoken to any one of them besides her little Flashlight? She and Emily were great friends, she saw that adorable little beast constantly but oooooooh, it had been a long time for everyone else, hadn't it? Shit. "I uh…"
"There is one other matter I would like to discuss with you before you make your decision. Each year we hand out various awards to a few deserving Bellas."
"'Kay..."
"This year we have decided that you are the most deserving of our 'Most Influential Bella' award!"
This woman said that like it was the most fucking exciting thing Beca was going to hear all year.
"So what can we do, Miss Mitchell, to convince you to join us? Paid hotel room? You could have a nice little, oh what is the term, stay-cation? With a mini bar? Everyone loves a mini bar! It is crucial that the 2012 Bellas captain is present this year."
It wasn't even a question. No. Hell no. Would seeing the Bellas again be great? Sure, totally. She missed her nerds and all that, but there was no way in hell she was about to willingly walk her happy ass into a room where...she...would be. That would be throwing away two years of hard work and for what? Nope. Nope, nope, and all the nopes. That was just asking for trouble that she didn't freaking need.
"Errrr," beside her the radio piped up, her usual alarm clock warning her that it was officially time to get up and get her ass moving, "I uh, I'm not sure, Ms. Hodgekiss. I'll have to get back to you."
It was a struggle to get the perky woman off the phone but when she finally did she flopped onto her back with a groan.
She didn't even need to think about this, right? It wasn't even a question. She wasn't going to go. No way. Right? Right?! She wasn't that stupid.
She just...she didn't have the time, not even for one evening. Not right now. Nope. So what was the point of driving herself crazy with this?
The month she and the other Bellas had won in Denmark had been a freakin' big one for Beca. Graduation...Worlds... she and Emily had sold 'Flashlight'... Emily had made her realize she was a lesbian...she had broken up with her boyfriend of three years…and she had been offered her current job here in Los Angeles. Big freaking things for Beca...and Emily and Chloe she supposed, since Emily had gained an awful lot from selling their song including a future album deal which had only just released a few months before; and, not having anything else planned for herself, Chloe had followed Beca to L.A.
Thankfully, Beca hadn't entered the new label, 'Moment One Recordings', as a nobody like before. Sammy was a little intense and kind of an egomaniac but he and 'Flashlight', had launched her from a coffee grabber to a legitimate part of the producer team from the get go. In the last few years, Beca's career had only grown from the 'I have an idea, no really, just sack up and give me a chance' girl to 'senior assistant within the label'- which was a fancy way of saying number two to the head honcho. Basically, she ran the smaller studio on the lot, in charge of a number of the label's smaller clients, the ones that had not gained enough popularity to be acknowledged by her boss, P.J. She was their lone producer, which was great, totally great. But she was also the number two, which meant that she had to get P.J.'s approval for everything she did and she was also in charge of keeping P.J's bigger names happy outside of the studio and they were some demanding assholes. They all were demanding assholes…especially her newest client EZTeez.
So she didn't have time for a night with the Bellas. Not when her schedule usually kept her at the studio all day with her clients and then out all evening making them happy, attending parties, and openings - basically doing all the things that P.J didn't want to do.
She just couldn't squeeze it in….and that totally wasn't an excuse or anything...well...mostly….kind of...
Okay, yes…there was a good chance that Chloe was….really freaking mad at her - claw her eyes out with her bare hands kind of mad. It was true that Beca hadn't exactly told her to fuck off or anything, but Beca also hadn't, you know, been a friend to her. She had been handed her first solo client about the time that Chloe had announced her coming baby and Beca had...just kind of 'gotten lost in work'. She had become 'too busy' to pick up the phone or to go out or come over. The times when Chloe had angrily showed up at her door Beca had been 'at the studio' even if she had really been on the other side of the door, makeup-less and eating a pint of ice cream through her tears. It was about then that she had picked up smoking, as a matter of fact.
She had just gotten too busy for a social life, Chloe had to understand that, right? Maybe she wouldn't actually be mad, maybe she totally got it and it wasn't a big deal.
Then again, when Chloe had announced that Nick had gotten a job with a law firm in Henderson, Nevada it wasn't as though Beca had tried to see her to say goodbye. Actually...if she were being entirely honest, she had kinda taken the time to throw herself into a few new clients instead, taking on so much that she had been on the breaking point for months. It had done wonders for her career, it had been the reason why EZ had been placed in her lap, but it also meant that 98% of Chloe's phone calls had gone unanswered. As a matter of fact, it meant that the day of Chloe's move had come and gone without Beca even noticing. It wasn't until three days later she that she had realized it was already over.
That had brought on a crying jag that was so unlike her it had been a bit scary.
But that was nearly two years ago now, give or take a few months. Two very long years since that day in the doorway of her apartment; two very long years since she had seen her best friend and, thus far, unrivaled love of her life. Sometimes it was still strange to think about that, how had it been so long? Was Chloe really off somewhere just outside of Vegas with a husband and one - maybe two kids right now?
Two years and that stupid beautiful face was still one that she thought of daily which, alright, they say that it takes you half the time of a relationship to move on so...she was in love with Chloe for, what, like seven years? She was doing okay. She still had another year or two before she had no choice but to start calling herself pathetic.
Only, she groaned and covered her face with her hands, letting out a huge puff of air because in reality there was no relationship – there had never been a relationship - so this whole thing was pathetic.
Pathetic and sad and she was a total loser.
"The hell was that?" Hunny grumbled, finally pulling herself up, her makeup smeared down her cheeks and her hair knotted and matted.
If only the cameras could see Hunny now, like this. They would have a field day!
"Some Bellas thing."
"Whadya mean?"
Beca groaned again just because it felt good and explained quickly, forcing herself up to start getting ready for a shower.
She should have known what Hunny's reaction would be. She was halfway through shampooing her hair and singing to herself when her reality TV star girlfriend stepped in behind her. "You have to go."
"What?" Beca yelped, turning her head so quickly that a glob of bubbles dropped into her eye, making her yelp.
She totally should have known. She and Hunny might not have the best relationship...or the most traditional...but the one thing Hunny loved to hear Beca talk about was the Bellas and the Trebles. They didn't have a lot in common, but anytime they were together and things got boring or weird, Hunny would just ask for another story and Beca would supply with only a tiny show of reluctance. She was fairly sure that stories of MuffGate and Amy walking bow legged for the weeks following had been the thing that had put their first date over the edge from good to great. Hunny had laughed until she cried and Beca had loved reliving her days with her girls.
"Oh come on, Bec, you have to go! They're all gonna be there."
She stared at Hunny's evil little smile and then let out a snort, "You so just want to meet Aubrey!"
"Well!" The smile grew, "Can you blame me? She's hot. She's got some walls that I wanna tear down."
"You're a freak. And for the record, just because we are not a real thing, like at all, does not mean you get to sleep with Aubrey. Gross. I already told you, no fucking my friends."
"You don't think she's hot? Come on, she can't be that straight. And even if she is, bro, no one is too straight for Hunny."
"I dunno, Hun, I like to think of Aubrey as a being free of sexual desire...like a tree or a vomity pinecone. Let's just keep it that way, yeah?"
"Becaaaaaaa! You have to go! I wanna meet them and I can't unless you go."
"Nu-uh! You can totally go. I'll give you the date and time and-"
"Come on, Be-c"
"Hunny, I swear to god you call me Be-caw and no sex for you!" Why had she told Hunny about that? God, who was more annoying, her ex-boyfriend or the woman currently in her shower? Why did she keep sleeping with incredibly annoying people? At least this one had the right genitalia.
Ew. Did she just say genitalia?
"Come on! I wanna see if Lilly speaks now...or if Stacie is as hot you say. Plus, you know Em is going to go and you can't leave her hanging."
"She'll have literally ALL of my Bellas and all of the Bellas that came after us – plus the current Bellas. That's like fifty people," she cried, aggressively washing out her hair. "Uggggh, why are we still talking about this?"
Hunny bit her lip, her eyes narrowing and making Beca's eyebrows raise. She didn't know what Hunny was about to do, but she was sure -whether she wanted to or not - she'll have agreed to go by the time she left for work that day.
Alright.
Fine.
Whatever.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
Maybe it would even be fun.
Of course it would be fun, her Bellas were the shit.
But maybe...well...she would have to play the rest of it by ear.
'****'
"Chloe! Good mor - oh, Chloe really!"
"Marcy! Hi! Wha-" Chloe looked down at the loose fitting tank top and yoga shorts, not entirely sure what Marcy's appraising eye was telling her was wrong with them. Were her shorts too short? Her shirt too pink? She had no idea, but she knew it could literally be anything.
"Is this really how you want your students to see you?" The tall brunette asked, sweeping by her and into the house without so much as a second glance.
"My students are ten!"
The woman dropped her purse on the couch and turned on her with a sigh, "Ten year olds have mothers, dear."
"Right." She never knew how to react in these moments with Nick's mother so she just clicked on a smile, "Okay, well, I have a student so…" she took a hesitant step back toward her studio.
"Why are you so out of breath?"
This time Chloe's grin was true, "We're learning scales through movement" but the grin faded quickly when Marcy didn't react. Nick made that same face when he didn't know what to do with her. She didn't really care for the maternal version of it either. "Okay."
She turned and started down the hall to the little studio in the back of the house, pausing for a second to soundlessly click the second door to the right closed with a glance back over her shoulder. It was always better if that door stayed closed when Marcy was here.
"Alexandra! How are we going to sing if you're lying on the floor like that?" She cried as she closed the door behind her and shut Marcy safely out of her little world.
There was another fifteen minutes of giggles as she and Alexandra jumped from place to place, singing in the proper order and doing the required dance for each note. She even let Alexandra stay a few minutes late, avoiding her living room, but finally the girl's mother was here and they had to call it quits.
"She did super awesome today!" Chloe proudly announced to Alexandra's mom when they met at the front door.
"Oh I'm so glad! She always has so much fun when she's here."
"Awww, me too! High five!" She gave the girl's hand a small smack and then waved them away, calling, "I'll see you in class, Lydia" before taking a deep breath and plastering that same large smile back onto her face. She turned and started toward her kitchen.
She hated this! She hated when her first life was interrupted by her second, let alone - god forbid - her third.
This was her time. Why was Marcy here? Chloe still needed to get in her run and shower before Nick came home, but she didn't see how that could possibly happen now that she had company.
In her kitchen her mother-in-law was sitting over a freshly made cup of tea, waiting none too patiently. "What's up, Marcy?" She sat down across from her, pulling her curls up into a sloppy knot.
"Oh nothing, sweetheart, nothing at all. I just wanted to come by and bring you these."
"Alfalfa tablets?" Chloe frowned.
"Yes, I read an article last week about how they help with infertility."
"Oh."
Right. She probably should have known that something like this would be why Marcy was here. It was all Marcy talked about these days...actually it was all Marcy had talked about for three years. 'My son needs a namesake', 'Cavanaugh women always have a large number of babies', and so on, and so on, and so on. Actually that was all anyone talked to her about anymore, her friends, her family, even Nick; it was all pregnancy related as though if it were brought up enough - she might successfully hold one. People brought her DVD's, tapes, pamphlets, strange foods, and anything else they could think of to help the poor childless Cavanaugh's. It was her whole life now.
She loved babies, she loved children and soft toys and being maternal to literally anything that needed it, that was who she was but…
It didn't feel good.
It was like she wasn't a person anymore; she was just a walking, talking empty womb.
"We're not infertile, Marcy; you know that. The doctor said that we're both healthy and we just need to stop worrying about it." She said it in her usual high-pitched, cheery tone; the way she had rehearsed it over and over again, saying it by rote.
"Of course, of course, I apologize for my wording," Marcy sighed with a wave of a manicured hand and her usual severe lack of remorse.
Chloe bit her lip and glanced at the clock.
"Somewhere you have to be?"
"Oh, um, no."
'Stop worrying about it'. Every time she remembered her doctor's kindly old face telling her to 'stop worrying about it' she wanted to laugh, and then pace and panic and breathe into a paper bag because - how could she? This whole thing, it was terrible. Nick and Marcy were both so upset. Every time she walked by that second door in her hallway, the room that was still set up from her first lost pregnancy, she panicked. Every time someone brought her a new piece of advice, she panicked. Every time someone shared the news of their new baby, she panicked. Every time she tried to laugh with Nick, be his friend, and the word 'baby' got in the way, she panicked.
Or at least...she had...before last year…now it was more of a mild tremor and even that only rocked through her in her second and third life, which was why - she glanced at the clock again and sighed, it looked like life number one really was over for the day.
Chloe felt a familiar twinge of depression as she stood and poured herself a glass of water. Sometimes she missed L.A. Well, in truth, most of the time she missed L.A. There was no pregnancy pressure in L.A. She didn't have to live three lives in one. Who knows, maybe if she were still in L.A. she could be living just...the one…she could stop living this…
But it was silly to think about that. That wasn't her life.
"What time is Nick getting home tonight, sweetheart? I was thinking that we all should go for dinner."
Chloe's mind slipped away to a happier place, planning her next lesson with Alexandra. She liked being more physical in her lessons like that; she would have to try her lesson today on her six-year-old student next week. She debated the yoga routine she would use for her next class, nodding along with Marcy as she was supposed to. She always wanted to somehow incorporate the two things, more singing in her yoga class, more yoga in her voice lessons.
It wasn't until La Roux started singing 'this time baby, I'll bulletproof' over Marcy's prattling that Chloe was brought back to the present.
"Oh, I'm sorry about that." She grabbed the phone and frowned. Atlanta? Had Aubrey changed her phone number without warning her? "I'm sorry, I better get this."
Marcy just waved her hand again.
"Gooood morning! Is this Chloe Cavanaugh?"
"This is."
"Hello, this is Phoebe Hodgkiss, the-"
"The president of the Bellas Alumni Association?"
"Why yes, dear! My, you have a good memory!"
She couldn't help the subtle brush of excitement she felt flutter within her; she knew exactly what this phone call was about. "Hello! It's so nice to hear from you, what can I do for you?"
"Well dear, as you know this year's Barden Bellas reunion will be held on the eighteenth of June in Los Angeles."
"I know, I saw it in the newsletter! I love the location. I don't know who chose Wisconsin the year before but L.A. will be so much more fun."
"So are you also aware -"
"That you're getting all of the 2012 Bellas together, yes I am! I already spoke to four of the Bellas and they say they are coming!"
"Wonderful! You're doing my job for me! So, it sounds like we can count you in then?"
Was she kidding? A full twenty-four hour period to live her first life exclusively? A full twenty-four hour period with her Bellas? She had been looking forward to this all year. She and Aubrey had already booked their room in advance the week before last. "Totes!"
"Wonderful! My goodness, you were much easier to convince than your co-captain."
Chloe's bright smile dropped from her lips instantly. "Beca? Beca's going to be there?" She had assumed the other Bellas would come, they all seemed as eager as she was but she hadn't even thought twice about Beca. She had just assumed...
"Well, I'm not so sure. It seems she is very busy. We would love to have her though, so if you could give her a little nudge that would be wonderful."
"Oh." Chloe laughed just to hide the tension that was suddenly growing in her stomach. She went to all of the Bellas reunions; she had been going since her freshman year of college. It was a wonderful chance to get away for a while and she loved surrounding herself with all things Bellas. But Beca had never shown, not even once. It wasn't really surprising; Chloe had been annually forced to drag her even when they were in school. "Okay, I spoke to Stacie, Jessica, Flo and Cynthia Rose. What about the other Bellas? Have you heard anything from them?"
"To be honest, Chloe, I haven't called them yet but I feel good about the chances. Though don't tell Ms. Mitchell that, I told her all the other Bellas were coming! Let's hope that is a good enough motivation for her."
She let out some more fake laughter, "Awesome."
"Alrighty then, we will see you this summer in L.A."
"Yes, you will!"
The front door of the Cavanaugh house closed and Chloe heard Nick call for her from the living room, home early.
"We're in here."
"Heeey, there are my girls!" He gave her his award winning grin and a quick kiss. "What are you doing here, Mom?"
"Oh, I was just bringing Chloe these tablets."
"Oh yeah?" He chuckled, "Are these going to make her any less of a redhead?"
Chloe knew he was joking but she scowled, smacking him and crossing her arms in agitation. Marcy, her dear, dear beloved mother in law, had been told once that redheads were naturally less fertile, something about recessive genes. Chloe was sure that was not true but since then her monster-in-law had held on to that as though it explained everything. No, no, I don't have any grandchildren yet, but don't blame my son; it's his wife's recessive genes.
He chuckled, unimpressed by her glare and squeezed her arm lightly.
The three went to an early dinner soon after and then when that was done Marcy finally took her leave. Chloe was grateful, her nerves a little raw, but that meant it was time for a little nightly TV, some clean up and then her third life to begin - all before she had been ready and expecting it which – that did make it a little harder.
When it was over she laid awake next to her sleeping husband for a while, staring up at the ceiling.
She had met Nick, steady, reliable Nick less than a month after she had followed her best friend from Georgia to California. He had been a young up and coming attorney and she had been a music teacher, teaching children without choir in their schools out of a downtown YMCA. It hadn't been love at first sight, but it had most certainly been laughter at first sight and somehow, in its own way, that had always been just as good.
In a whirlwind, they had been married within a year, pregnant less than a year after that and moving to this tiny suburb a few months later. It had all happened so quickly that Chloe still wasn't sure if she could place how step one had become step five.
Nick was...good, for the most part. He did have his occasional overnight 'trips to the club' that she was pretty sure meant nights of sex with his twenty-two-year-old office girl, but otherwise he was a good guy. He provided for her, he made her laugh, he even liked to talk to her.
And yet, Chloe had been miserable.
Yes, their now three year long pregnancy attempt was - difficult, but she was a survivor, and while it might have dulled some of her natural bubbly shine, that wasn't what had made those years some of the most miserable of her life.
Or maybe saying that the attempted pregnancies were the thing to make her miserable was simply not inclusive enough. It was also the D&C – well the L&D really - at sixteen weeks, just after they moved. It could also be that she had only had her new job here in Henderson, a job she loved, for a few months before her second miscarriage. After that, Nick and Marcy had worked hard to convince her that quitting her job was imperative, insisting she could still teach a few students from home. Guilt had eventually made her cave. It could also easily be the fact that Aubrey was so many states away, or the fact that all of her friends were really just the wives of Nick's friends and business partners. Perhaps her misery had been so strong because in this life that she had somehow created for herself, there was no room for Chloe Beale, only Chloe Cavanaugh - and Chloe Cavanaugh was someone that she didn't know very well. She was so much more serious of a person than Chloe Beale had been. Chloe Cavanaugh didn't often sing, not outside of lessons; Chloe Cavanaugh rarely, if ever, danced...somewhere along the way her life had taken a hard right and she had simply been along for the ride.
She hadn't known which of those things it was - she used to think it was a combination of all of the above - until last year.
What happened last year had been like the sky parting and flashing a glorious ray of light on the problem and now...now she understood herself so much better, she understood everything.
She had come home from that trip a changed woman and, because of that, her life had changed as well.
It had split into three.
Her first life was her favorite because her first life was her own. It had taken a few months of self-liberation, but now in her first life she danced while she cooked, she sang while she washed the dishes; she was free because...in her first life she knew now, she accepted it and she didn't have to push it down. She was happy...ish, as happy as someone in her situation could be. Plus, her first life was home to all of her 'distractions' as she often thought of them; yoga, running, singing, classes, friends and so on.
Her second life wasn't so bad either, this was the devoted wife stage of the day when she would cook dinner, spend time with Nick and Marcy and she would smile, smile, smile. It wasn't bad. She enjoyed Nick, he made her laugh and they could be silly. It was easy enough, really.
The third was, well, it was in the bedroom where she did everything she possibly could to make that damn baby that she had wanted since she was fourteen years old; to give the Cavanaugh line a new member and fulfill her wifely duty.
All of it was exhausting.
Her three faces were exhausting.
A day without that, a day where she could be Chloe Beale again, that sounded amazing. And she would see her Bellas.
She missed her Bellas. She had always thought that they were sisters for life and she supposed they still were, but it would be nice to see their sweet faces again, to hear their laughs.
"It's going to be Aca-awesome." She whispered into the darkness and then squirmed down into her blankets a little tighter to contain her giggling excitement. She couldn't wait to see what the years had done to her sisters...and she couldn't wait to see Aubrey, it had been almost a year...and...Beca.
Beca.
She had been thinking about it all day. Now that there was a possibility that Beca might come - she couldn't get her out of her head...not that she ever could, really.
She missed Beca more than all the others combined.
She missed Beca like she couldn't believe, like she hadn't known was possible.
Was it weird that she still thought of her every day? Even after these last few years, she popped into her head as she was stretching and pushing into her yoga poses. She popped into her head when she was humming as she took out the trash. She thought of Beca whenever anything made her laugh. Whenever things got too hard, whenever they got too lonely or depressed she could still close her eyes and hear Beca's voice in her head, her phantom chuckle as she said, 'I love you, awesome nerd'; a phrase she had heard time and time again...after years of pushing the emotionally stunted woman with her own friendly love affirmations, that is.
What she wouldn't give to hear it one more time.
She used to be angry at Beca.
Okay, she used to be more than angry at Beca for breaking their promise to never leave one another's lives, especially after the D&C when she had needed her best friend so entirely, especially through two years of her own personal darkness.
Now she was just sad.
Beca had promised, the few times they had spoken after she had moved, that there was nothing wrong, that nothing had happened and that Chloe was making mountains out of molehills. She had promised that she had simply gotten busy and their lives had trickled apart.
But Chloe had always wondered.
Her hand absentmindedly rubbed at the spot just over her heart as she thought.
She had always wondered if there was a solid - a real - reason for Beca's disappearance.
Perhaps, if Beca was there in June, she could use this reunion to finally see, to really know. And to fix it.
She sighed and rolled over into her pillows.
June could not come soon enough.
Attention:
So I like to put things up about the things I'm working on, in general, on Tumblr. Sometimes it's memes, sometimes it's art, sometimes it's just random stuff. I'm also always down to answer any Tumblr asks and for those Swen who haven't heard, I'm giving anon asks a second try. I'm hoping I won't regret it! Anyway, I'm there under ioliviajanae. Come track me down!
