"You're moping." There was no judgment in Aubrey's voice at all, it was clear that, to Aubrey, she was simply stating a fact as solid as the time of day.
Still, Chloe's mouth popped wide in flustered offense, and she was forced to pull her eyes from the window she had been staring out of, unseeing, for the last fifteen minutes, "I am not!"
"Yes, you are."
"I am not, Brey! I am-" she tried to think of something optimistic to say but she came up completely blank, "I'm-"
"You're still in your pajamas."
That wasn't fair! "It's still early." She was allowed to still be in her pajamas! It wasn't even nine in the morning yet. As a matter of fact, she still had a little while longer before she had to pull herself up and start her day. Though, she had no idea what she was going to do. It seemed silly to plan on going back to Beca's condo with everyone else after the night before, so perhaps she and Aubrey should go see some sights or...something. She wasn't sure but this was Los Angeles, there had to be something they could do. It would be really nice to have some undivided Aubrey time and maybe they could plan on meeting the Bellas for lunch somewhere. Maybe they could go to a beach. Oooh, a seaside lunch on the water with the Bellas sounded so nice.
See. She wasn't moping. If she was doing anything by sitting here staring vacantly out the window it was...mourning.
"Umm-hmm," her best friend mumbled from across the room, sitting back down on her bed to flip through a magazine.
Once Aubrey was occupied, Chloe shot her an appraising look from under her lashes, still trying to figure it out. Aubrey had been strangely quiet all morning and Chloe couldn't tell if it was because she was angry or if it was simply Aubrey giving Chloe her space. She couldn't imagine why Aubrey would be angry; well, except for the fact that Chloe had cried the entire drive back to their hotel the night before. She didn't know, but whatever Aubrey was feeling, the cool distance that was radiating off of her was helpful in a strange way. Her worry about whatever was on Aubrey's mind and her hesitance to make it worse was forcing Chloe to swallow down any and all tears. It was also keeping her planted on the bed when what she really wanted to do was continue the back and forth pacing that she had also done for hours the night before, wringing her hands until they were sore. Or perhaps she just wanted to cuddle under the blankets and let the tears overtake her again.
Aubrey had let her pace, of course, and she had hugged her again and again and again whenever it seemed as though Chloe needed it, but her strange quiet was the thing keeping Chloe together right now, making her feel too guilty to continue to be the mess she felt like on the inside.
Perhaps it was only a strange type of tough love that Aubrey was exhibiting now, though, tough love was usually to send a message, right?
Chloe didn't understand why she was reacting so strongly to this. It had been two years, just like Beca had said. It had been two years already, so truly it had ended long ago. Beca was already gone. She should be over it. She had been given no reason to hope, no reason to expect that this trip would change anything- and yet, she had. Now her thoughts were glued to that day two years ago, a month after her move to Henderson when she had finally realized that Beca was gone from her life. It had been one of the worst days she had ever experienced because no matter how much she cried, no matter how much she paced and tried to talk it through with Nick or Aubrey, she still hadn't known why or what had happened.
Now she felt silly and that was one of the worst parts. Beca had been avoiding her all day, since she arrived really, so why had she done it? Why had she expected something else? Why had she thought that simply seeing one another again would make it all different? She liked to think of herself as a glass half full, peaceful and hopeful kind of girl for the most part, but there came a point when it was just unrealistic and sometimes her silly optimism got in the way of her seeing that.
Perhaps you can't change your nature, though because despite the fact that she had been sitting there chastising herself for a while now, she felt that hope light inside of her like a tiny incorrigible flame when there was a small knock at the door; only to go out again when Aubrey opened it and all of the Bellas came slowly in as though entering a sick room.
Chloe pulled her legs up under the blankets and wrapped her arms around them, hugging herself tightly. She was happy to see the Bellas, touched that they had come by but - all she could do was shake her head at herself and let her cheek rest against her knees.
Silly.
She did know that not everything was glass half full, but she still felt silly.
Maybe she was childish.
Amy approached first and she tried to give her a smile, she really did, but she knew it was a poor impersonation of her usual megawatt.
Amy returned it with a half smile of her own and, reaching out, began to slowly pet her head as though she were a sad puppy, "There, there. You alright, Ginger?"
Chloe looked away, back out the window as she sniffed.
She thought that she had cried herself out the night before after Aubrey went to sleep, but now under Amy's weird and awkward sign of affection the tears began to roll down her cheeks again.
"Oh! My goodness! Damn it!" She wiped at them, shaking her head and hoping that would be enough to stop them since she wasn't sure she knew how to do it herself. It was nice to have the girls all around her, but she wished they would stop looking at her, it was even harder to hold these silly tears in when she could see their love for her on each and every face. Amy seemed to understand and took a seat across from her on Aubrey's bed. The other Bellas followed suit, taking places either with Chloe or with Amy and Aubrey, somber in their silence.
Chloe just kept looking out the window at the sunny lot outside because for once she had no idea what to say. Perhaps the best thing to do was to simply let it go. "How the friendship ended doesn't take away from the memories I have in my heart, right?" She asked just to break the silence.
"Yeah, Chlo, you're absolutely right," Stacie said with a warm smile and Chloe did her best to return it, thankful for the reassurance.
"This whole trip has been so weird."
It was a true testament to how glum they were all feeling that none of them reacted to seeing it was Lilly who had spoken. As a group they had only heard Lilly speak in an audible voice a handful of times; she could beatbox up a storm but she rarely spoke at this volume.
"I know, right?" Cynthia Rose sighed, leaning heavily on Chloe's shoulder.
"I'm sorry guys, if I had known-" If she had known...what? She wouldn't have come? No, seeing the Bellas was worth it. But...
"Don't apologize, Chloe. Beca clearly has some issues right now," Aubrey bit.
Maybe it wasn't tough love, maybe she was just angry.
"I mean, she seems like she's doing okay, for the most part, right?" Jessica asked, quiet nervousness in her voice. Ashley, beside her, seemed to hear it too and wrapped her in a tight hug. Chloe had to smile; it was good to see that Ashley and Jessica were still best friends even after all these years. She knew for a fact that they had both gone on to graduate programs on opposite sides of the country, it must have taken real work to remain so close. It was admirable.
"Is she, though?" Aubrey's eyes flashed around and no one could ignore her insinuation. "I mean, this is Beca, ladies. Now, I appreciate everything she did for the Bellas but she's always been one bad life choice away from-"
"Brey." Chloe finally chided, the animosity in Aubrey's voice hurting her heart, "You two became friends, remember?"
Aubrey sent her a long glare before taking a deep breath, "You're right."
"For real though," Cynthia Rose interjected, "any of you notice how much she had to drink last night? Especially after Chloe and Aubrey left?"
"Kind of hard to miss," Ashley muttered, her nose twitching uncomfortably. "She basically drank all the whiskey in the state of California."
"She didn't go to bed?" She didn't really know why she asked, of course she hadn't. She knew Beca hadn't actually wanted to go to bed; she had just wanted to get away from her. It was a strange and uncomfortable thought but she knew it was true.
"Naw, Hunny got her to come back down."
"Right." Chloe frowned as she picked at a loose thread of the blanket, "Hunny."
"Did any of you notice what she was on the night before?"
Chloe's head snapped up to look at Stacie across the room, feeling a huge weight lift from her chest, "You saw that too?"
"Yeah, girl!" Cynthia Rose cried, "We all saw it! She didn't even try to hide it!"
"Oh my god, thank god. I've been so worried. Do you think that's something she does all of the time? Should we be as worried as I am right now?"
"The correct answer to that question, Ginger, is always no. No one should ever worry as much as you do. Not saying we shouldn't worry, but nooo, not as much as you."
Cynthia Rose scoffed at Amy's joke but then said, "It didn't seem like she was exactly a rookie, did it?"
"Wait, what are you all talking about?" Aubrey asked, her agitation making her fidget in her spot against her pillows. With a sigh Chloe quickly explained in a low hum and by the time she was through Aubrey was on her feet, her arms crossed, "Well, that is absolutely unacceptable! What does she need? An intervention? Do we need to throw her petite little ass in rehab?" The fact that Aubrey was yelling made Chloe smile ever so slightly. Beca had always rubbed Aubrey the wrong way, literally since the moment they met, but she really did care about her. Aubrey's love was just a gruff one, hard to bite into but sweet once it melts a little, like a ginger snap.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, hold on!" Emily cried, putting her hands up as though that would stop them from racing forward with a plan, "She doesn't need an intervention or rehab. It's just part of the life out here. It's so not a big deal."
Aubrey's flashing eyes turned on Emily, making her wince, "Emily, does that mean you do drugs too?"
Emily's face flushed as she stumbled around a bit, trying to find the correct words, "Well, not as much as Beca and definitely not as much as Hunny - but sometimes. Drugs are bad and everything, yeah, but it's not like that. I mean, I don't have anyone relying on me like P.J. relies on her. He puts her in charge of basically everything but then only gives her half the say in what she's doing and a fourth of the credit, which is - crazy! Plus, I'm not trying to get off the ground with my own label and break away from P.J. who totally knows, by the way, so he's been piling more and more on her and pushing for her to be, I don't know, cooler or something? He's also kind of been leaching her clients, which, is really upsetting her. She's so stressed like all of the time. But, err, sometimes I do, it's kinda fun. Everyone does it here; it's kind of a thing I guess. Work hard, party hard." She gave them a large girlish grin which immediately faded when she saw they were all staring at her surprised, mixed looks of disapproval on their faces, "I think Hunny is more into it than Beca though. I've only seen Beca do that a few times." she finished a bit lamely, her smile falling awkward.
"Does Katherine know this?"
They had all had a good chance to get to know Emily's mother their last year since she was a Bella alumni and they had all liked her a lot, especially Aubrey.
Emily looked up at Aubrey for a quick moment, her mouth open to speak but nothing came out so she finally just looked back down into her lap, fiddling with her rings, her shoulders slumped.
"'Kay, I think we need to, um, come back to that but can we get back to the big thing here? I mean, man, I just - I don't get - what the hell happened, Chlo? I feel like my whole damn world is off its axis or something!" Cynthia Rose groaned, turning on Chloe as though she had the answers.
The problem was she didn't.
And Chloe couldn't agree with that description more.
"I don't know, I really don't know. I mean, I know I want my best friend back more than anything but I guess she doesn't really want me. I don't know what to do. This is -" but she couldn't find the words so she just shook her head, "I don't know. I don't know what happened."
All of their heads turned at the sounds of Emily's deep inhale. It was clear she had something to say but she froze when all eyes fell on her. Chloe did her best to give her a reassuring smile but somehow that only seemed to make Emily more nervous.
She cleared her throat, toying anxiously with her necklace, "I probably said too much already but I think I might know. Well, no, I think that I do know. I mean, she hasn't told me or anything but-"
The rambling was too much for Amy, "Legacy! Tell us what you know!"
"Right. Uuuuh, okay. Right. Ha."
From across the bed Chloe watched Emily flush and with that flush a thought suddenly occurred to her; Emily was Beca's best friend now, wasn't she? The thought sent a curious mix of feelings through her but she supposed that was right.
She didn't like that.
"Well, you guys know that Beca and I did 'Flashlight' together, right? Well," Emily's flush brightened making Chloe almost smile at the girl's embarrassment. It was cute that after all of this time her successes still made her a bit flustered. "There was this night not long after Sammy; remember her boss Sammy? The guy who sent the demo off?"
As one they nodded impatiently.
"Right. Well not long after Sammy sent the demo off we were in the recording studio one night just doing some final touches. This was like right before we sold it, or no, maybe it was right after - yeah, right after - no-"
"Legacy! I swear to god if you don't get to it, I'm gonna cook you up and serve you for lunch!" Amy barked.
"Right!" Emily jumped, rushing forward. "Sorry. Anyway, we were working one night and, uhh, I kinda kissed her."
It was as though someone had put the room on pause. All of the Bellas stopped their fidgeting, their gum chewing, their whatever they had been doing, all so they could simply stare at Emily, eyes wide.
Chloe's mouth dropped open, speechless, her whole body tensing. It was like she had just been sneak-attack hit or had a near collision on the freeway.
She had done what?
Suddenly an overwhelming compulsion to reach over and slap the girl ricocheted through her making her pull away, afraid she might do it, "You did what?" Unadulterated fury flooded her system. She was too confined! She needed room to move, to breathe! She had to work at it for a second but felt instantly better the moment Cynthia Rose and the blankets were kicked off of her.
"Uuuhhh," Emily jumped, her voice cracking in the middle, "Yeaaaaah, I kinda kissed her. Like, really kissed her. Like, on top of the soundboard kind of kissed her."
A surge of something disgusting boiled up in Chloe's stomach and she couldn't help it. She jerked away again, twitchily shaking out her hands before slapping them to her ears, "Whaaaa! I don't need the details!"
At the same moment, Amy let out a boisterous laugh and yelled, "Allllright, Legacy" and gave the girl a high five. "God, there's a lot of lesbi-action in this group! Is that normal?"
"No, no, I'm not gay. I just uh," Emily jumped in quickly, looking over at Chloe uncertainly, who still had her hands over her ears looking horrified.
Chloe didn't understand, why was she so mad? There was no reason for Chloe to be mad. Okay, yes, Beca had been with Jesse at the time and yes, it was...gross...or...something but, it was a long time ago! Okay, she just needed to calm down. Spirits were just high. Take a deep breath. Okay.
"Anyway." Emily continued, "She uh, well, I uh, I didn't think it was a big deal, neither of us were into it – like, at all. Like I said, I'm not gay or anything but it was, you know, college; the time for experimentation and I just respected her so much. I don't know. So I moved on and you know Beca, she just kind of made a joke about it and it was no big deal, right? Everything went on like normal. She moved, I stayed behind and took over her place with the Bellas and we didn't see each other for a few years, I mean other than Skyping about the rights to 'Flashlight' and the occasional Bellas advice. Then, ya know, I moved here and joined the label and stuff and it totally came up at my release party. She was super wasted, like – whoa – P.J. told me she had been working for like four days and nights straight on a demo that her assistant accidentally deleted. I mean like, sleeping in the studio at night kind of working. Anyway! She told me that it was our make out session,"
"Oh! Ew! Emily!" Chloe's lips curled into a grimace as she tried not to picture that.
Why were all the Bellas staring at her like that?
"Sorry! Anyway, she told me it was, err, that night that made her realize she was a lesbian. She said something like 'you can write off loving one woman but when you're making out on the soundboard with another, probably means there's a little something going on there.'"
"Niiiice, drunk Beca impression!" Stacie grinned.
Emily grinned back deflating with the end of her story, leaning back against the wall as though she had just explained everything, "So uh…yeah."
"Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Is that when she broke it off with aca-boy?" Amy asked, her mischievous grin looking as though she had finally finagled the last word of a difficult crossword puzzle by cheating.
"Oooooh, I always just thought it was because he was bad in bed." Stacie said, more to herself than the group.
"Ooooooh, I never thoug- oh my god," Emily's hands flew to cover her mouth so only her huge eyes were showing, "it was right before that! Do you think I made her breakup with Jesse?"
"Errrr, I don't think it was you that made her break up with him, Em." Flo said, giving her a think about it face.
"Oh. Right!" Emily sighed, instantly all grins again.
All the Bellas seemed pleased to finally know why their friend had dumped her long-term boyfriend but Chloe was just distracted, "Wait. What? But that was way before we even moved to L.A. She knew she was a lesbian that long ago and she never told me? I don't understand. Why would she do that?" All eyes turned on her, making her sit back defensively, "What?" She didn't understand this look they were still giving her! What? "And wait, what does this have to do with Beca and I now?" That was a little harsher than she meant it to be so she added, "I mean, thank you for telling me Emily, you're sweet, I'm glad to know that about Bec but-"
Emily frowned, "Well, that other woman was you, wasn't it? 'You can write off loving one woman' - that was you, right? I mean," confused, she turned to the other Bellas for confirmation, "it was her? Beca was, what, like totally in love with her?"
Chloe waited for their surprised denials but they didn't come. Instead, as one the whole group exploded into laughter, flopping over one another and giggling like schoolgirls.
"Well yeah, everyone knew that!" Fat Amy cried, making them all laugh harder.
The Bellas were all sharing in a good laugh, laughing as though this were a very old joke but - this wasn't funny! Chloe's mouth had just gone dry as paper, her head swimming as she looked between their faces, desperately trying to see if they were all kidding. "Amy! What do you mean?"
Amy turned to her, mid laugh and Chloe watched as that laughter quickly dropped away, her eyes going wide, her face slack, "Oooooooooh, waaaaaaaait, you didn't know?"
She tried to answer but her heart was beating too high in her throat so instead she just released a small scoff.
"We all - errr - wow - errr oops." Amy let out an awkward laugh and, uncomfortable, did a little rocking belly dance, her eyes flicking guiltily.
This was absurd! She began making her way around the circle again, staring at all her friends, waiting for the punch line. Why were they all suddenly being so quiet? Panic floated just under the surface, making her voice weak, filling it with cracks, "Beca was in love with me? Since wh-?" She cleared her throat and tried again, "Since when?"
"You mean you really didn't know?" Cynthia Rose asked from beside her. Chloe just shook her head, fast. This couldn't be true, could it? This didn't make any sense. "Damn, you're a lot less cold than I thought you were then."
"Whaa-" Chloe's head whipped around to pin her with a stare.
"And five times more stupid."
She should have been shocked, rocked unsteady by the carpet being pulled out from under her feet, and maybe she would be if she could process any of this but it was as though her mind had ground to a sticky halt. "Brey?"
"Oh come on, Chlo! Why do you think she's been running from you all weekend? I mean, it's stupid, she's stupid but she's always been stupid."
"I don't - I don't understand. You knew this? Why didn't you tell me?" A flicker of hurt betrayal ran up her spine as she stared into Aubrey's sadistically amused face.
"I thought you knew! I thought you had made a choice or something."
She was shaking her head before she could stop herself, this just didn't make - but in her mind a slideshow had begun: a million fights over the years, a million kisses goodbye, a million cuddles. She remembered all the times they sang together, all the times that they opened up to one another sharing their souls - it all - it always felt...important...like more but…
Her fingers fluttered over that spot on her chest and everything that was whizzing and whirring within her settled a little bit, the press of her fingers to that spot centering her as it always did. "Guys, at my wedding -" all the Bellas scooted in a little closer sensing it was story time. So slowly and haltingly she told them about stepping on her dress and teasing and laughing. She told them about watching Beca's face go suddenly serious and then she told them about the kiss, the first and the second though when she went to tell them about the almost third her voice stumbled and she decided - yeah, they didn't need to know about that one.
When she was done she was shocked all over again, stunned and unable to process this. She had worked so hard to tell herself that the kiss - kisses - had been no big deal, nothing to write home about, they had been nothing. Just a friendly sort of affection. But as she heard a muttered, 'whoop, there it is' from Amy, she jumped.
Had it been nothing? Beca had been in love with her? For how long? Her mind was careening, her stomach somersaulting, tingling and tickling. Beca had been in love with her?
"And how did you feel about that, Chloe? You know, the kisses?" Emily asked, leaning forward eagerly.
"Obviously not much, she stayed married, didn't she? Keep up, Legacy!" Amy rolled her eyes.
How did she feel?
"I didn't, I didn't know then…I thought…I was confused," she mumbled, pressing tighter to that spot, her mind a million miles away.
"Wait, wait, hold up, didn't know what then, exactly?"
It took Chloe a second to realize that, oh no, she had said that out loud. She opened her mouth and found herself saying instead, "Beca was in love with me?"
From somewhere on the nightstand La Roux started to sing, ripping through Chloe's daze after a second or two. "Can someone hand me that, please?" Thanking Aubrey automatically, she stared for a long moment at the name, uncomprehending. Oh! Nick!
On autopilot, she got up and headed into the bathroom for a moment of privacy.
"Hey! Where are you? If I run home for lunch later do you think you can have a sandwich ready for me? I'm damn swamped and I skipped breakfast."
Clearly she was not firing on all cylinders right now because it took her far longer than it should have to process his words, "What? Nick, I'm in L.A."
"Wait, still? I thought you were coming home today. I thought you would be home by now actually."
"Why would you think that? No." She tried to gather her brain for a moment, "I told you I was staying longer, remember?"
"Well yeah, but I thought you meant like a day or something. Did you run away and join the circus?" He teased and then, "...Chlo?...Chloe..." when she didn't respond.
She had zoned out again, her mind tumbling over and over all of the things she had never seen before that suddenly seemed so clear. She had thought - she had thought that Beca was straight so - why would it have occurred to her? She was her best friend - best friends are always a little more - I mean, look at her and Aubrey, "Huh?"
"How long are you staying then?"
"Through the weekend, maybe a little longer. Didn't I tell you that?"
"No!"
"Oh. I'm sorry, Nick, I guess I should have made myself clearer. But uh, I can't - I can't really talk now, I-"
"Chlo! What's going on with you right now?"
"What? Nothing."
"Okay, well you're supposed to be back by now, remember? You're ovulating."
The sentence was in such stark contrast to where her mind was at this moment that she couldn't understand it at first, "What?"
"Plus, mom is coming over for dinner. We have been planning it for a month, she's bringing her friend, remember? I'm glad you're having fun but we have plans, sweetheart."
She couldn't hear this, not right now. She couldn't have this fight. She wanted a baby, more than she wanted almost anything; she wanted to be there for Marcy but right now…
"I mean, I totally get bailing on my mom but you seem distracted, what are you doing? Are you okay?"
Oh, just having the biggest 'come to Jesus' realization of my life - second biggest anyway, "Nick, I'm sorry. I have to go. I'll call you back, okay?"
"Chl-" but she had already hit the 'end' button. She spent a moment or two just looking at her blank phone, the wheels feeling like rust and debris as they tried to turn. She opened the bathroom door but stopped just outside of it, her hand playing tensely with her throat, "Beca was in love with me?"
Amy's eyes rolled, "Yeeees, Ginger! What are you missing? But oh!" An alarming thought scrawled across Amy's face, "Don't tell her that we told you, though."
All the Bellas jumped, shaking their heads vehemently. Looking at them exchange nervous looks something clicked into place, the butterflies in her stomach that had been lightly dancing had suddenly thrown on their skates and started up a roller derby game in her gut. "You guys are serious."
"Are you kidding? She'd kick our ass harder than -"
"Oh my god!"
"Aaaaand, there it is," Stacie said as Chloe started to pace. "Chloe freak out coming, guys. Who has the paper bag?" She was already up looking.
"There's one in my purse!" Aubrey called, pointing across the room.
Chloe barely heard them, "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, what do I do?"
"Chloe-"
"What should I do? I should do something, right? I mean…why didn't she tell me?"
"Chloe it's alr-"
"Oh my god, why didn't she tell me? This - oh my god, this is huge! This is enormous! This is – earth shattering! Oh my god! I can't - what do I do?" She moved quickly, her hands wringing and shaking. This was impossible. This was - this was impossible. This was - wonderful. This - ohhhhh, she was going to kill her. She was going to - yes, she was going to KILL her!
Her feet stopped moving as abruptly as they started and all the Bellas who had been inching forward, ready to stop the freak out before it grew into a full-blown panic attack, sat back, surprised; Stacie still holding out the paper bag, ready to jump in if and when Chloe needed it.
Chloe processed none of it.
She had to go. Now.
Squaring her shoulders she turned to her best friend who was still standing in panic position. Taking a deep breath, she asked in her politest voice, "Will you please give me directions?"
