Care Reminder for this chapter: panic attack


She had to stop waking up in Chloe's arms. It just made it harder. It just made it worse. It just - felt so fucking good. Fuck. It felt so good that once again she snapped, she snapped harder and louder than she had needed to. It had been the gay joke. It wasn't fair but hearing it said that way, hearing the casual way that Chloe had made the joke - it just reminded her of something, something so small and yet so important.

Chloe was a lesbian.

….which meant that Chloe had always been a lesbian...somewhere within her.

….and yet she had never realized.

Beca had never made her realize.

Gay or straight, Chloe had never been interested in her.

She had made out with Aubrey once.

She had made out with Stacie once.

She had made out with some unknown Bella.

Apparently the only one that Chloe hadn't made out with, the only one who hadn't helped in Chloe's realization - was her.

She had been the one to always be there, she was always available - right there - next to her - all gay and waiting - and Chloe had never been interested.

She still wasn't.

Beca was just torturing herself.

She couldn't make her leave but she also couldn't stand looking at that face, the way it always seemed to glow... and know all of this.

From upstairs, where she was hiding, she heard Chloe leave. She heard the front door open and close and she didn't know if she wanted to celebrate or if she wanted to wail in misery. So she just shut down, scowling and headed up the small flight of stairs at the back of the condo to her in-house studio.

She didn't really have anything she was specifically working on; she hadn't for a while. She was always too busy working at the studio. Maybe that's what she should be doing now, but then again maybe P.J. would kill her if she showed her nasty face so…

She slipped on her huge headphones, feeling instantly better and picked a track at random.

She missed making her mixes. It was true, maybe they weren't the moneymakers but they were fun.

She clicked around absentmindedly, not really noticing when she pulled two tracks, one that was fast and angry and one that was slow and melancholy together, splicing them into contrasting parts.

It felt good to have the music up this loud, it drove away the thoughts she didn't want to have.

She jumped a little while later when a hand softly curled around her shoulder, "Jesus fuck, dude, what the fuck? What?"

"I'm sorry," Chloe was trying to bite back a smirk and it just annoyed Beca all the more. "Are you hungry? I made something to eat."

Beca stared. She was cooking now? Was she kidding?

She was hungry, really fucking hungry but, "No. I'm good," she went to slip her headphones back on but Chloe stopped her.

"Do you mind if I take one of the guest rooms tonight? I kinda-"

"Whatever you want to do, dude," and she spun back around to the soundboard.

She knew that she was tiptoeing later that night. She had stayed up in her studio far longer than she had needed to, avoiding downstairs. She hadn't even freaking turned back around for a solid few hours and then when she finally did she had scowled because there was a bowl on the table behind her of some type of Asian fusion curry thing that smelled amazing.

When the hell had she brought that up?

She was cooking and she was feeding her now? Okay, I mean, it wouldn't be the first time or anything but still!

Beca hadn't touched it, not even a bite because she knew if she had she would finish the bowl in seconds and she refused.

Instead, she had tiptoed downstairs and deposited it with the other leftovers in the fridge.

….Chloe had done the shopping.

What the hell was she trying to do to her?

And now she was tiptoeing again, heading up for a shower and bed. It was stupid to tiptoe in her own house. What the hell was she doing?

Then again, if Chloe stepped out from behind that closed door in one of those adorable pajama sets she used to wear - she had like - absolutely no freaking idea what would pop out of her mouth so - she reached the halfway point, past the closed guest room and then bolted, all but running into her room.

Made it.

Safe.

This was home base.

What the hell was she going to do?

She thought as she took a quick shower but it wasn't until she crawled into bed that she decided.

Avoidance.

It was the key to all things.

Just...pretend she wasn't even freaking here.


Ignoring her entirely went well...for about a day...

She got up the next morning and went about her normal routine. Well, not normal, she couldn't go to work and it seemed that everybody wanted her to stay home; even EZ told her to take some time when she offered to meet him that night.

So she just did - whatever.

She went for a swim, something she hadn't had time to do all summer, she spent far too long thinking about the possibility of Emily's next album, she tinkered in her studio. All in all - she was bored after two freaking hours. What the hell did people do on 'stay-cations'? She didn't even really want to drink! She wasn't stressed so the inclination just wasn't there. She wasn't stressed, so logically, her lack of stress - stressed her out. Well. She was a little stressed but it was normal stressed, not I-want-to-die-I-need-to-escape stressed. She had poured herself a tumbler and had lost interest after a few sips.

What the hell was she supposed to do? Sit and heal?

Chloe seemed perfectly content to sit in the sun with a book, not that Beca was watching, of course.

Chloe hadn't tried to approach her all day. It was like she just knew that Beca had decided against any and all contact. All she got was a few cheerful sentences, 'good morning', 'it's a good book, you should try it', 'would you like to do something for dinner' - that was all. She didn't seem upset, she just seemed - relaxed.

Why the hell was she so relaxed and yet Beca was going nuts?

Two mornings later she was groaning into her pillow as soon as she woke up. Maybe she should just roll back over and take a nap - that's right, wake up, roll over and take a nap.

Her stomach gave an insistent grumble and she sighed. Fine.

She pulled herself up, marveling about how good it felt to not be totally and completely hungover. There might be something to this.

She didn't bother changing out of her tank top and shorts, just shuffled her way downstairs. The bottom level was quiet so she shrugged and headed to the kitchen.

It was actually really nice having food, she hadn't realized how much she ate out. Maybe this was something she would keep up once Chloe was gone.

You know, not all of Chloe's ideas were bad. Actually, none of them were bad, as annoying as that was. She was talking about exactly the type of life Beca wanted. Stable. Making music during the day and then going home at night - you know, home and not a club, not having to fight all day through the partying - even if she liked it sometimes - not losing her handle on her stress level and needing something to make it better – eating well, being in shape. She would never fucking repeat this to anyone - ever - but she almost missed the cardio. The word used to be enough to make any smile drop from her face but once she had gotten into it...it had felt kind of good. Back in college, when she was going to the gym with Chloe every day, she had felt a little less like she was going to pass out from walking up stairs. She had been in decent shape. I mean, the Bellas were always dancing and not fun, silly dancing, but aerobic, kick their asses dancing. Now - she frowned as she poked at her soft stomach - yeah not so much – her scowl grew – she needed to quit smoking. She took a huge bite from a bagel. Maybe she would like -

The bite of bagel fell right back out of her mouth as she turned.

"Really?"

She just stared, blinking out of the patio windows to the sunny spot beside the pool.

Really?

Fucking - she had to be fucking with her, right? She had to - no one should be able to do that.

Chloe was beside the pool, a yoga mat laid out and her fire haired best friend was in the most - fucking creative pose that Beca had ever seen.

She didn't even - that was - um - impressive and – what the fuck?! She watched as Chloe's arms were planted on the mat between her feet and slowly her legs came up, high into the air in a handstand. Her arm muscles, the ones Beca hadn't realized were there, suddenly stood proud and obvious. Her shoulders stood strong as she brought her legs back down as one, sliding them between her arms as though she were sitting with her legs outstretched – midfuckingair. Okay, the fucking freak was a fucking freak. That wasn't yoga that was a fucking gymnast routine. Chloe tilted back she could slowly come back out of the pose, her legs spreading wide, leaning so far over that her head and her hands were horizontal to her ankles, giving Beca a wonderful view of - she saw Chloe's eyes open and jumped, turning around quickly - she wasn't - she wasn't doing anything – she glanced back and saw Chloe twisting in a way that made Beca's mouth drop open. Oh shit, she was standing.

She opened the fridge again but already having looked through it, closed it and then spun to the coffee pot, pouring for a full three seconds before she realized...it was empty.

"God damn it!" She cried, grabbing a cigarette and putting the kettle on for the french press. "What?! I'm just making coffee!"

Chloe paused, eyebrows rising as she stepped through the door, "I didn't say anything."

"Riiight, how do you - that can't be healthy-"

"What, yoga? Isn't it kind of the definition of healthy?"

"Turning yourself into a human pretzel?"

Chloe just smiled, "You should try it sometime."

"Uuuuuum, I think I'm good, I like not snapping myself in half, it's kind of a thing for me and that-" she realized she was rambling and snapped her mouth shut mid-sentence.

"It's not that hard, come on, let me show you."

"Noope!" Beca jumped as soon as Chloe grabbed her hips, "I gotta - stuff - to - do."

Three mornings later she came down to find that Chloe just returned from a run, her skin glistening slightly, her face flush. Beca had been fine until she noticed the tiny tank top and the even tinier shorts.

She had excused herself all the way back up to her studio.

How did Nick live like this? I mean, really, she was a walking, talking priapism waiting to happen.

She stayed upstairs until late afternoon, simply because - no - but finally boredom won out.

"Hey Bec," Chloe grinned from the bed of the guest room where she was reading a parenting magazine.

"Errr, hey."

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing?" She frowned and continued down the stairs, not at all surprised when Chloe came bounding around the corner and followed her.

"So I was thinking -"

"Oh yeah?"

"That maybe instead of totally ignoring me we could do something together."

"I ju- wh-ugh-" there was that freaking bluntness again. "I -"

"So, what are you up to?"

She side glanced that smile and scowled. Well...she had kind of been sneaking down to watch more of that show that Chloe had shown her but - Beca didn't answer, instead she headed to the kitchen, grabbing a snack. Chloe plopped down at the island, waiting for some type of response.

Beca didn't have one so instead she asked, "Are you just using me to hide from your life?"

"A little bit, but I can't just watch you lose yourself. I love you, Bec, I can't let that happen."

Beca just growled.

The afternoon after next she had managed to get by Chloe and downstairs on her own. Actually, she had no idea where Chloe was but she didn't think she was home - here - in the condo - whatever - in this place of residence.

Still Beca glanced around, peeking around doorways before with a grin and smugly pleased with the evasion, she plopped down on the couch and clicked on the TV. She sent one more tentative glance around before pressing play.

"Ooooh, Unbreakable!"

God damn it!

Suddenly Chloe was falling onto the opposite side of the couch, shaking out her hair into a lion's mane of awesome.

"Where the hell did you come from?"

Chloe just shrugged, giving her a smile. "I ordered a pizza for tonight."

"So you've just moved in then? Like, I have a roommate now?"

"A very cute roommate."

"Wha-"

"No, I didn't move in but I like pizza. Don't you?"

Beca glared. Well. Too bad for her. She didn't need her pizza. She didn't want her pizza. As a matter of fact, she was gonna get back up and go - somewhere. Part of that whole ignoring Chloe plan meant that she needed to, you know, ignore Chloe. "What kind of pizza?"

"Hawaiian," Chloe said, nonchalantly kicking her bare feet and legs into Beca's lap.

Toenails.

Tiny, adorable, black toenails.

And Beca's favorite pizza - not Chloe's - which had always been anything with white sauce and vegetables.

Little toes and pizza.

She was smelling a scheme here.

"From where?"

"Vinny's." Chloe gave another shrug, eyes on the screen.

She must have noticed the takeout menu on the side of the fridge because Vinny's was the best melt in your mouth, take you to heaven, but you don't care as long as you get another slice kind of pizza.

No, no, she was playing this all too cool. Chloe loved to do little things for people, fucking loved it - especially if it was Beca she got to do it for. If she just 'happened' to order Beca's favorite pizza and 'happened' to order from her favorite place, then Chloe should be all over her, trying to see if she was genuinely pleased.

"What are you up to?"

Chloe's eyelashes fluttered as she looked over, "What?"

Nope. Not buying that for a second. Beca shifted, trying to subtly push her legs back off of her, ignoring those painted digits but either Chloe didn't get it or she was refusing because she didn't move. Instead, she just let out a little sigh and scooted down into the cushion.

"Comfortable?" Beca growled.

"Very."

How did she do that? Just totally - okay so what did she do now? Did she act like a total dick, as she had been so prone to do as of late, and kick her off or did she sit here and not look at the toes...and legs…and the freckles...and try not to think of the yoga poses she kept fucking finding her in every morning. And I'm sorry – yoga – yeah – not even – Jesus – whoever invented yoga – secret sex addict – or something because holy fuck. Torment, wonderful torment. Chloe was…bendy.

God damn it!

So she sat, moodily ignoring her from close range and Chloe seemed fairly comfortable with that. Chloe was pretty much comfortable with all of it.

It made Beca all the more suspicious.

"Your toes are black."

"What?"

"You painted - erm, black."

"Oh!" Chloe beamed, "I used yours. Do you like it?"

Beca frowned. Why did that kind of feel like when a girl steals your hoodie or your favorite tee shirt? She didn't answer Chloe and instead tried hard not to think of Chloe somewhere in her condo within the last few days borrowing her nail polish.

They had cuddled too much in the past, that was fucking clear. Every three seconds, every time she shifted or moved, her hand went to rest on the arch of Chloe's foot - every - single - time, for no other reason than that is how she would have held the foot in her lap - because she would have held it, squeezed it, given it a massage. She kept catching herself before it landed and scowling. Clearly it was just a little too easy to be physical with this woman.

Uggggh, she did not just say that.

No - physical - no -

Best friend - doesn't want you - still married - doesn't want you -

No touching the feet.

Stop thinking about the freckles on the top of her middle toe and the time she let you play connect the dots up her leg with a pen and you did it with a sharpie. She had been pissed for days until Beca finally groveled enough - and let her do it back.

This was - fucking ridiculous. Finally fed up, she shoved both hands under her own ass and sat on them, giving the side of Chloe's head a particularly hard glower.

A bit later the doorbell rang and Chloe jumped up to get it.

The smell hit Beca before anything else did and her stomach gave a sharp rumble.

Apparently she and it were not on the same side.

Chloe reappeared, beaming, with two plates, "This smells amazing. I can't remember the last time I had pizza!"

Beca's eyes narrowed, watching as she set the box down and flopped again, this time crossing her legs under herself.

It was torture; it was pure pizza torture as she opened the box releasing the smells.

"You want a slice?"

"No." She turned back to the screen and did her best to wipe her face clean of any and all expression.

"Are you sure?" Chloe pulled out a long, steaming slice, took a bite and moaned.

Okay so, was she jealous of Chloe or was she jealous of the pizza?

"What do I have to do?" She asked in a monotone.

Chloe dropped the charade, taking another bite, "One whole conversation."

"What?" she cried, instantly scoffing.

"That's right. One whooole conversation."

"About what?"

"I don't care."

"Couldn't this count?"

"No."

"So let me make sure I got this, you're blackmailing me - with pizza?"

"Yes."

She scowled.

So unfair.

She wasn't going to cave.

Even though it was her favorite….

...and from Vinny's.

"Can we talk about the weather?"

"No."

"How about the fact that you're on my couch and I find that annoying?"

"Uh-uh. And no you don't."

She wanted to answer with a loud, YEAH-HUH but that...would have just made Chloe's point.

Apparently Chloe knew she had already won because she was lifting a slice out and plating it, "It's been eight days."

"Well, what do you expect? You're trying to change my life and you've barely been in it for years."

"Whose fault is that?"

"That's not really the point."

"Beca-" Chloe took a deep breath, exasperatedly searching for words, "I'm not trying to change anything. I just want to know that you're okay, that you're safe and you're happy. Last time I was worried and I walked away and you almost died. I'm not doing that again."

"But I didn't die." Okay, even she knew that sounded petulant.

"You just - you could live the life you used to talk about, the life you used to dream of. You're so close. You have so much talent that is being wasted."

"Right because teaching a couple of students out of your living room is exactly what you thought you would grow up to be? Oh and the yoga, don't forget the yoga."

Chloe's eyebrows pulled together as she took another bite, "Eat your pizza."

Crap. "Ugh. Chlo-"

"No, it's okay, you're right. Being a full-time baby machine and part-time teacher isn't exactly what I saw for myself. But tell you what."

"What?"

"Let's work on you and then we'll work on me."

Beca rolled her eyes, taking a bite.


She woke up the next morning somewhat late and let out a series of awkward dinosaur screeches as she stretched. Chloe had totally cheated last night. She always cheated. She had waited until she had pizza belly and was all full and comfy under the weight of Chloe's legs to bring it up which certainly couldn't be a legal play. Somehow Beca had agreed to try Chloe's yoga with her this morning.

It had to be the overdose on cheese and the perfect blend of salty and sweet.

She was fairly sure she was going to be bent too far the wrong way and she was going to get stuck that way, forever the human pretzel woman. But then again, if P.J. did fire her the plus side was that she could join the circus.

How was this always how it worked? She decided something will be one way and then Chloe comes along and oh wait, it's a whole different thing. It happened over and over and over again.

Actually, now that she was looking at the clock, she was surprised her drill sergeant hadn't come up and pulled her out of bed yet. Chloe was usually done with her workout by this time.

Not that she noticed.

"Duuuude!" she cried at her ceiling. Stop pining away after your best friend.

It's stupid.

And get up.

No need to tempt fate and get Chloe up here.

She rose with surprising ease and headed down to the kitchen where she could hear that awful grinding noise.

Ooooooh noooooo! She wasn't drinking it. If Chloe had one for her, she wasn't drinking it. She had burped celery for two days after the last one.

She paused, maybe if she called in sick -

The humming just under the grinding noise rose and Beca paused, foot halfway down the step. Listening she grinned as slowly the humming morphed into some pop song that Beca was only vaguely familiar with. She stopped altogether, a smile spreading across her face as she listened to the dreamy sound rise, Chloe giving in and singing, though quietly as though she were afraid of waking Beca.

She had always loved her voice. All of her Bellas had good voices and she had loved them all in their own way but Chloe's had always been her favorite. She loved how warm it was, a perfect complement to her own, so sweet and pure, yet could pull it out and knock the back of the house down if needed. She had heard that Alice had tried to beat the sweetness out of her voice and that had appalled and pissed Beca off. That would be like taking the chocolate off of chocolate covered strawberries or the ice cream out of a root beer float. Plus, she had heard Chloe get all raspy too; best of both worlds.

She listened to Chloe hit a particularly soft rich note and felt a shiver pass over her body. God her voice, it was one of the sexiest things about her. That said a lot because there were a lot of sexy things about Chloe but her voice, definitely a favorite. She leaned against the wall, just shy of the corner that led into the kitchen, waiting and pleased when Chloe's internal radio began another song.

She shouldn't be doing this, letting herself enjoy this, so she let herself take a second to pout and then rounded the corner.

"Hey, good morning."

"Morning." Chloe tossed her a grin and offered her a glass.

Beca took one look at it and, "Um. No."

"What? Just drink it. It's good for you."

"Still no."

"There's no celery."

"Then why is it all green?" Beca scowled at it, knowing it would be foul.

"It's….not celery."

"Answer isn't changing."

"Beca!"

"Don't stomp your foot at me!"

"I didn't!"

"Yes, you did! You totally just stomped your foot," but she was laughing, forgetting that she also wasn't supposed to do that. Chloe shot her a leveling gaze but Beca just took a step back, "Nope."

"Drink this and I won't make you run with me before yoga."

She went to respond but stopped, thinking it over. Okay, so she was going to give into something because she was a complete pushover apparently soooo - gross drink - gross activity - gross drink - gross activity - she reached for it and chugged it down as quickly as possible, jumping in place and hissing, "Ugh, god! What was that! It tastes like dirt!"

"Kale." Chloe sipped her drink, giving that innocent, wide-eyed stare that no one believed.

"Uawck! Dude! You gotta tell me when it's something worse than celery."

Chloe just let out a little "Hmm" and placed their cups in the sink, "You ready?"

"Do I look ready?" She let the sarcasm drip.

Chloe glanced over her tank top and shorts making Beca flush and feel momentarily naked, "You look ready to me."

"You really going to make me do this?"

"You're going to have fun. You'll see."

"Fine. But I'm getting my sunglasses."

"You're not hungover!"

"The sun still exists, though." She found them beside the front door on the table, a strange place for them to be since usually they were wherever she had woken up after a night of drinking but - she guessed their new location made sense too.

"Lookit!"

Beca's eyebrow popped as she approached Chloe who was holding a rolled up mat.

"I got one for you!"

"Dude, you are far too excited about a roll of foam."

Chloe scoffed and smacked her with it making Beca jump and cry, 'Ow!' even though it didn't hurt. "Hey!" She looked for something to smack her back with, wondering what would happen if she threw her into the pool.

Death.

Death would happen.

Chloe was pretty chill overall but she did still have curly hair. She would hit that water hissing like a cat.

"Are we really gonna - yup - okay," she grumbled as she watched Chloe lay out her own mat in the small patch of grass beside the pool and take a seat.

"Come on Bec, think of it this way, yoga helps you do amazing things in bed. Hunny will be grateful."

Hunny...whoa, she hadn't thought about her in a few days.

"I can already do amazing things in bed," But Beca sounded much more like a pouting child than a sex proud woman. "Aren't you worried about ants or - something - getting on you?"

Chloe lifted her head, already stretching toward the ground, "Tell you what, if I notice any on you I'll throw you into the pool and give them a nice summer swim, okay?"

"Gee thanks." Beca sat and frowned at her, knowing there was no way she could stretch like Chloe was.

"You have to at least try."

"Fiiiine."

It turned out, when she could figure out the breathing the stretching actually felt pretty good. She refused to try anything that lifted her body completely off the ground, watching with her mouth hanging as it did every day when Chloe pushed herself up with ease. Eventually Chloe gave up her own stretching and instead came around behind her to help push her into the poses, softly explaining as they went. It would have been – distracting - if Beca hadn't felt like an awkward piece of wood or a metal pole next to her. The constant banter and teasing helped too.

"Okay, so make sure your hand is planted."

"It's planted." Beca laughed when after a second Chloe gave her an expectant look.

"Are you sure?"

"No."

"Okay, good. Then what we're going to do is take our left leg and slowly swing it out, like this. See? We're going to go from our open triangle into a half moon, really make sure your chest is open."

Beca watched, as Chloe easily lifted her leg and brought it high into the air behind her. "Dude. No way."

"What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? There's no way my body is going to move like that. No one's body should move like that! You're crazy!"

Chloe laughed, and like a total freak her chuckle did not change her stance at all, "You'll never know until you try."

"I also know that I can't hold my breath for fifteen minutes but I'm pretty sure I'm going to just let that one slide."

"You really going to let me out do you here, Bec?"

"What? Since when is this a competition?"

Chloe stuck out her tongue.

"Fine, but when I get broke, you're going to have to wait hand and foot on my ass."

"With pleasure."

She made it another few poses before she stopped them again, watching Chloe crouch low, literally turning herself into an elongated pretzel which Chloe inexplicably called 'eagle pose'.

"Nope, okay, no, this is where I draw the line."

"Afraid you're going to get stuck like this?"

"Yes. See. Finally we understand each other. If you can get out of that again then I will be impressed."

"Hmmm, just wait until you see this."

Beca stared, incredulously, "So did Gumby fight when you took his body? I mean, how do you do that?" Beca groaned as she made a sad, sad attempt at what Chloe was doing and ended up falling on her ass.

"I do it every day. I have for years."

"Yeah but whyyyyy?"

"Why do you smoke?"

"Because I like it and it's fun and relaxing."

"Well, there you go."

She liked this back and forth teasing; it made her feel silly in a way she didn't often feel.

"Speaking of smoking -"

"Hey! No smoking until we're done!"

"Yeah but," she popped up and took a calculating step backward, enjoying the sparkle in Chloe's eye, the one that had always meant fun was on the way, "I'm thinking -"

"Becaaaa-" Chloe shot her a warning glare.

"That it might be time -"

"Don't do it!"

"To get a cigarette!" She turned on her heels, starting quickly toward the condo, letting out a surprised yelp and starting to run when she realized that Chloe was coming after her. "I've done enough! I've done enough!" she cried as she reached the table.

"There's never enough! I'm not done with you! Get back here!"

Squealing Beca grabbed the pack, only to feel Chloe slam into her, "Nooo, gimmie!" she cried, holding the pack straight out in front of her, "you're infringing on my human rights!"

Chloe wrapped around her back, laughing in her ear as she reached for the pack as well, "Gimmie! No unhealthy things until the healthy things are over! Do your cardio, Beca!" Chloe mockingly cried.

"Nooo! Shut up, Aubrey-Bot! I will do no vertical running! Gaaah!" she cried as with little effort Chloe leapt onto her back, leveraging herself and reaching further. "I'll never surrender! Nooo, what the frak, stretch arms?!"

Chloe's thighs clenched tightly around her hips, pushing herself all the taller, her fingers closing around the pack, "I will - have - victory - yes! Victory to the masses! Boo-ya!" Chloe was about to hop down but Beca caught her arm over her shoulder, pulling it against her and trying to finagle it back, "No! No! No!" She flew off, jumping a few feet away and unceremoniously shoving the pack into her bra. "Ha!"

Neither were thinking about it, the comradery as natural as air. They had been silly like this a million times. It was just - like breathing.

"What, you think I won't go in there after them?" Beca gasped, hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath.

"Nope."

"Oh yeah?"

There was a flash of momentary uncertainty across Chloe's face before they were both running again.

Beca was on her back in a second, "See – how - you - you like - being - climbed on!" She wrapped herself around her and reached down her tank top but Chloe was having none of that, she twisted fast but instead of throwing Beca off she lost her balance and they both went sprawling to the grass, Chloe landing on top of Beca with a resounding thud.

"Oh god," Beca wheezed, the wind thoroughly knocked out of her. "Jesus fuck. I'm dying."

"Oh my god! Are you," Chloe didn't get to finish because Beca was on her, flipping her over and sitting on her hips. With a smirk she reached and pulled the cigarette pack out from the underside of the bra, ignoring the smooth skin of Chloe's stomach - for the good of all mankind - pulled a cigarette from the pack and lit it.

"Oh, you suck!" Chloe gasped, winded.

"I win!"

And then Beca was somehow on the ground, having been vaulted from her sitting place, her legs tangled with Chloe's.

She let out a grunt and gave in, flopping. "I hate you."

"No, you don't!" Chloe grinned, pulling the cigarette from between her lips and smashing it out in the grass.

"Hey!"

With a grin and a smack to Beca's thigh Chloe was up, leaning in far too close as she mockingly said, "'hey' is for horses" and took off inside.

"You are not Amy, you do not get to say that!" Beca cried after her, rubbing at her sore side.

Totally worth it.

'****'

It took her a second to clear her head once she was in the air conditioning of the kitchen. Rubbing her hand across her stomach absently she looked around; she had come in here for something, hadn't she, but what was it? She huffed, still a bit breathless and a bit wired.

That had been fun. She hated the smoking but that had been a lot of fun.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Hmm?"

"You look all confused. That fall knock something loose?"

Chloe rolled her eyes, giving her a slight shoulder push.

"Heeey! Abuse. I'm gonna call the abuse police."

She let out a snort, "I'll give you something to call the police about!" Apparently pizza and yoga did wonders. She would have to keep that in mind, though, to be fair it had been amazing pizza...or maybe it was just her obvious and open success that had been amazing.

"You don't want to do that, Chlo! Look at my face! I think they might believe me over you!"

Oooh, it wasn't something they should laugh about but she did, shaking her head and laughing until she had to lean over the counter to catch her breath.

"Careful now, you already broke something." Beca sighed dryly, scooting behind her, placing a hand politely on her hip as she went by.

Chloe let out a quick yelp and straightened.

Okay, what had that been?

What was wrong with her? Why did it feel like her skin was on fire, like there was a low level hum of electricity covering her body? She needed a shower, that summer sun was just a little too much for her.

Maybe she had broken something in that fall.

She kind of wanted to jump back on Beca's back though. Only, she couldn't think of any reason to keep the silly wrestling match going.

"You okay?"

"What?" she gasped, a bit breathless, "Yeah! Err, totes! I need a shower though!"

This had been a thing lately, something strange would set her off and she had no idea what it was or why but everything felt - strange.

She wasn't sure if Beca's mood was going to stay or if she was going to swing back to crabby and offish again, doing her best to shut the door on Chloe. She was pretty sure that even if Beca tried, she had managed to wedge her foot in so that it couldn't close all of the way, something she was quite proud of thank you.

The shower did seem to settle her a little bit, clearing her head.

Strange.

She headed downstairs and debated over a cup of coffee for a minute before pouring a glass of juice instead.

She had finished her last book the day before but she didn't really feel like dealing with the heat or the traffic to get herself another one. Perhaps she would order something to be delivered to the condo. She knew Beca loved her delivery service, and was constantly ordering things to be delivered a few hours later; everything from food to toilet paper. Perhaps she would try that.

She spent a moment browsing through Amazon but lost her train of thought when her phone began to buzz on the table. She didn't know what she wanted and she wasn't sure she felt like scouring through hundreds of books right now. She clicked on the small Facebook icon then realized she really didn't want to be on social media either.

Hmm, she felt her mind drifting, playing over Beca's cheerful, playful cries of 'I've done enough'. It had been so easy to slip into their old playful jokes, it had felt only natural to climb up her in order to gain leverage, just like it seemed as though it had only felt natural for Beca to attempt to reach right into her bra for the hidden object.

She had no idea what she was doing, she hadn't even realized she was taking herself to the site but suddenly her mind clicked into gear and she realized what she was looking at.

She wasn't considering moving, not exactly - not at all - and yet here she was, scrolling through Craiglist apartment listings.

She couldn't, she couldn't just up and leave Nick, that wasn't right.

But…it was interesting to think about.

Would she even want to move here? Maybe it would be fun to pick up and go somewhere totally new where she didn't know anyone. But Emily was here and - maybe she could go back to Georgia and be close to Aubrey or maybe even, if she really wanted to, she could go back to Ithaca and be near her parents.

The phone calls from Nick had been slowly trickling off, something that both scared her and was hugely relieving.

If he stopped calling she would stop getting the constant reminder of this thing in her life that needed to be solved but at the same time, if he stopped calling then she knew one day soon she would need to gather the courage and call him.

The things that she was seeing on this site were not encouraging either. She knew that L.A. was expensive but she had no idea just how expensive.

Wow!

This was - wow.

2 bedroom/ 2 bath for $3000 in West Hollywood

1 bedroom/ 1 bath for $1480 in Van Nyes

2 bedroom/ 2 bath for $1975 in Sherman Oaks

"Oh god," 1 bedroom/ 1 bath for $2450 in Westwood

She didn't even know where these places were! Their house in Henderson was a 3.5 bedroom/ 4.5 bath house and their mortgage was only $1100.

Oh god, $1100!

She was basically a music teacher at her best, there was no way - even if she also taught yoga – even if she found more than one job - there was no way.

Okay. There was no need to panic.

This wasn't even something she was considering.

She had just been curious.

1 bedroom/ 1 bath for $2395 on West Sunset

It was okay. This wasn't something she was freaking considering. It didn't matter.

L.A. was a great place to visit, not a great place to live.

2 bedroom/ 2 bath in for $1300 in Tarzana

Was she wheezing? Why was she wheezing, this was silly. She anxiously shook out her hands, fiddling with them as she scanned the screen.

The cold clamp was beginning, wrapping itself around her ribs, making her fists ball. Her heart hammered in her chest like the pounding of a mallet and she couldn't - what the hell was wrong - she couldn't - she tried to take a deep breath but her chest just whistled. This was not that big of a deal. Oh god. Where was her purse? She stumbled ever so slightly, shuffling through it and pulling out the small paper bag she had stashed there, breathing into it as subtly as she could so as not to alert Beca.

Why was she even doing this? It didn't matter. She had a gorgeous home - in Henderson - with her husband - and her empty nursery - and her 'studio' - and soon his love child.

Oh god.

She stood, shaking out her head and her hands, anything she could move to release the growing tension.

She knew she was a little trapped. She didn't have any of her own money, not in over a year. Of course, Nick wouldn't leave her stranded, but then again, with a baby on the way - and she hadn't been employed in so long! What was she qualified for? Singing? Teaching singing?

Oh god.

Who went to school to learn to sing? What had she been thinking?!

Okay, breathe, just - just take a breath - breathe!

She could feel it escalating. Where had she dropped that bag? Why had she dropped that bag? She was looking at the floor but she couldn't seem to see it. She couldn't see anything; she was too busy seeing everything. Who could pick out the pattern of the floor from the shape of the counter or the chair?

God, what would it be like once Jenny had her baby? Would they live there the four of them like one big weird commune?

What about when -

"Chlo? You okay? What happened? Is this a real one or is this-"

Chloe hadn't even heard her come in. She tried to respond but all she did was wheeze, her hands flailing in Beca's general direction.

"Okay, fuck! Uh, okay, shit I don't have any bags." Somewhere far from her she could hear drawers opening and closing, "God, if there was ever proof that we haven't been friends it's that. How do I not have any-"

"Floor," she squeaked and a second later the bag was covering her face.

She grasped it, sucking hard, trying not to claw at the hands handing it to her in order to press it tighter. She was better than this! She had learned how to stop this from happening! What was wrong with her?

"Slow, sloooow, remember? What's going on?"

Chloe just shook her head. She couldn't breathe, it was getting worse! Panicked, she needed to move, too uncomfortable to stay still. She was dizzy.

She could feel Beca close beside her and reached, her hand closing like a vise around an appendage.

"Look at me." Her chin was pulled and she narrowed in listening to the calm, matter of fact voice, "Tell me. Get it out so I can help."

She shook her head again, knowing if she didn't slow down she would rip through her only bag.

"Okay, okay, come here."

Arms closed around her shoulders, pinning her in place. For a second everything doubled and she nearly clawed her way out by any means necessary but then they clamped down, squeezing her hard.

Beca had done this a thousand times, she knew exactly where to wrap her arms, where to hold, how much pressure. Aubrey had never been able to get it completely right. Maybe she had always just been too tall.

It took a few minutes for the spell to break but finally the vice in her chest loosened and she dragged in a slightly deeper breath and then another that was even deeper until she could drop the bag and let her head rest on the shoulder in front of her.

"Fuck," She hiccupped out a whimper.

"That was - that was a bad one."

Chloe didn't answer but instead grabbed at Beca as she started to move away.

"Whoa! Okay! Okay, I'm not - I'm not leaving."

She was exhausted but at least the panic to get a deep breath covered the thoughts.

"Dude, are you looking at Vermont Vista? You can't look at Vermont Vista, you'll get shot!"

Instantly Chloe's breath started to pick back up again.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Chloe just squeezed her eyes closed, burying her face in Beca's neck, holding the opposite side as though pulling on it meant she could bury her face deeper.

"Does that still happen a lot?"

"No. Things have just been…"

It took a long time but finally she pulled her face out of her hiding spot.

"You wanna talk about it?"

She shook her head, her wet eyes blinking and staring resolutely across the room.

"Okay." Beca eyed her, "I didn't have anything I'm doing. You uh, you want to sit down and watch something?"

"Um, sure."

She followed Beca back to the living room, feeling - stupid - and so uncomfortable. That was always so embarrassing. She was so good these days at shutting that down, she had worked with a therapist for years so what had just happened?

Beca took a seat at the other end of the couch, curling into the U-bend of the sectional and clicking on the TV.

She didn't feel - She knew that - a few years ago -

"I can see that look on your face."

"What look?" Chloe jumped, "I don't have a look."

"I remember the drill, Chlo."

"I don't have a look!"

Beca turned her eyes on her, waiting and Chloe had to look away.

Okay, so all she wanted was to crawl back into Beca's arms. She felt like a shaking silly mess. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"What? Sure you do."

She paused, knowing her fingers were still shaking and giving her away. Beca's teasing didn't help. She didn't want to make her uncomfortable but she did want…

Finally, with a quick sigh she gave in. Beca was already twisted around on her back so Chloe could sprawl against her chest. The moment she settled in she had to stifle back a groan, relief, pleasure and security stirring up instantly. She wrapped her arms around her ribs without even thinking about it.

"Better?"

"Yes. Thank you."

She could feel the tension in Beca's body but Beca just clicked on the episode.

She really was an amazing friend.


The thing was - once Chloe had those kind of cuddles again, the super deep, put you into a drooling afternoon sleep kind of cuddles - she wanted them again.

So that night instead of sitting on the opposite side of the couch she found herself sitting a bit closer, just beside Beca.

It wasn't because she hadn't finally pushed the anxious thoughts away, but simply because she could smell Beca on her tee shirt and she wanted more.

Beca didn't seem to notice, as a matter fact when she got up to get herself a drink she flopped back down, her legs under her, her knee atop Chloe's.

She had been forced to bite her cheek to hide her smile.

When she decided to call it a night she let her arms wrap around Beca from behind, giving her a quick hug. Beca had jumped ever so slightly but Chloe had been gone before she could protest.

The next morning they did yoga together again and while it didn't turn into a battle for the cigarettes, it did turn into a giggle fest as Chloe gave up stretching at all and just helped Beca do hers, running her hand over her back, down her arms, over her legs.

It was - absolutely wonderful.

It was as though she had been on a filter since June, not allowing herself to be herself with Beca. She...well, she liked touching her, hugging her, laying on her, she always had and if possible she liked it more since her absence from her life.

She knew she was pushing it and she could feel the mild resistance but she didn't mind. Each gentle nudge to Beca's wall made it give just a little bit more, letting Chloe scoot a little closer to the comfortable place they had once known. It was exactly how she had done it before and it was exactly how she was going to get in again.

The thing was - something was different now. She couldn't put her finger on it. It was as though each casual touch was loaded, filled with the tension of two years without it, she supposed.

They would push through.

"Bec?" It was midafternoon but she had no idea what Bec was up to in there, her skill level and definitely her equipment had far exceeded her knowledge of Beca's hobby.

She headed up the stairs anyway, plate in hand, hoping she wasn't interrupting something important or breaking her concentration. She could hear a smooth, rhythmic beat coming from the huge headphones covering Beca's ears.

Oooh, she liked that. She had leaned over to simply leave the lunch on the table so as not to interrupt the flow but changed her mind.

"Hey." She softly touched her shoulder pleased when Beca didn't jump, simply looked up.

"Hey."

"What is that? I like it."

"EZ just sent it to me, it's what he and P.J. have been recording."

"They're recording without you?"

"Yeeeaaah." Beca clicked her tongue, "I'm really excited about that too." She pulled out her headphones and turned the track back on. "I don't know, I just, I don't like it." She frowned hard as her fingers slipped over the keys and knobs, "I don't know, I don't have the same equipment I would have if I could go into work but P.J. still says no."

"You're on time out, Bec. You'll get ungrounded soon enough." She pushed a strand of hair behind Beca's ear.

Beca let out a small laugh, but it was clear she was too preoccupied for the joke so Chloe set down her plate and pulled herself onto the empty section of the desk, watching.

Chloe couldn't have said she understood what she was talking about, in truth; she was completely distracted by Beca's hands. She watched the way they moved with a precise elegant certainty, tweaking this and sliding that as she spoke, explaining exactly what it was that seemed wrong with the track.

Chloe could see knowledge in them, the confidence that given the chance she could tease something great from the board.

She had always loved to watch her mix, loved the way her face smoothed, the way her eyes moved as she found the spot she loved to exist in.

She had lived for it, really, sometimes she came over post college just because she knew that Beca would be mixing.

Apparently watching her work was even better. She seemed so tiny beside the giant board and yet, she was the master of this universe.

Chloe bit her lip as Beca fell silent, starting the track over and doodling some more.

It was fascinating to watch her, exciting.

She licked her lip, her eye narrowing a bit as Beca frowned, shaking her head at herself, mumbling and rewinding the track a few seconds.

What was it that was so invigorating about watching someone in their element?

"I don't know, you hear how it kinda does that 'whoomp, whoomp, whoomp' thing there? P.J. is really into that but I dunno, I just can't get my head around it. It's so, I dunno - what, what's wrong?"

Chloe jumped, releasing her lip, "What?"

"Is it that bad?"

"Huh?"

"What's wrong?"

Chloe frowned, "Nothing's wrong. Um, I made you lunch!"

"You did?" Beca gave her a smile and a quick knee rub.

Chloe's frown deepened as she watched the spot, feeling it cool. "Um, yeah,"

"Oh my god, I'm so hungry, that's awesome."

"Good! Eat up!" Chloe grinned, sliding off the table and moving quickly from the room.

Chloe did her best not to keep her mind on Beca upstairs for the rest of the afternoon but strangely it kept coming back to her. That night when Beca threw her legs over Chloe's for the first time she thought of it again. She went to bed and she knew she was thinking about it, wondering what it was that drew her so much. It was amazing to see her like that, so confident. She supposed that was all it was. She had always loved Beca's confidence, her general badassery. It had made her proud to call her a friend.

That was still one of her favorite moments in her life, the moment she learned that Beca Mitchell wasn't just a misunderstood rebel with a heart but a true, honest to god badass.

She hadn't known her all that long at the time but she would never forget the way her mouth dropped open in shock as she watched Beca cross the empty pool and turn on her then future ex-boyfriend, words pouring from her mouth in such rapid succession that it had stunned Chloe into silence, unable to even grasp what song it was she had been singing. It had been awesome, totally hot in a way. She hadn't been the only one stunned that way either, her stomach suddenly tight, her body frozen, all of the Bellas, no, the entire pool had been knocked unconscious by her rap. It hadn't been until Amy stepped forward that they had remembered to sing. I mean, she hadn't exactly been looking around at the time but she was pretty sure they had all been right there with her.

Chloe had been just a second behind everyone else the entire song, thoroughly impressed with her best friend. That had also been the first time she had seen it, the Beca face, the most badass of them all. She had watched as they all surrounded her, backing her up and she had seen a moment of cocky delight, Beca's hands going out as her head began to pop, bouncing in place. Everything about her read that she had this and she was going to lay it down.

It had been one of the single most alluring moments Chloe had ever seen.

Beca had been the shit that night and it had been epic, so much fun.

And then, when Chloe thought it couldn't get any better, Beca had single-handedly taken control of the entire empty pool. It had been infectious, making her dip whether she wanted to or not, dancing as she watched Beca do her thing.

It had been awesome and while the look on her face today hadn't been the same, there had been that same underlying Beca badass.

Chloe yawned, trying passively to rub away the butterflies in her lower belly. That had been her best night with Tom too, the energy from her friends that night - she had gone completely wild on the guy. Basically, all around that night had been awesome.

And...