If Chloe could have seen through Nick's eyes for just a few moments she would have been able to move on from her fear then and there… or at least she could have stopped breathing into her bag like it was a surrogate lung.
She would have felt the way he affectionately took in her hair, wild from a night of running her hands over it in stress, her baggy tee shirt that fell off to one side exposing a pale shoulder, her round eyes staring up at him in stunned panic and she would have felt his happy pleasure at seeing her again. She would have known that he wasn't here to fight or be a bully, he was pissed yes, and he was going to yell but he was here because his best friend and wife had stopped answering his calls two damn weeks ago. Chloe could be stubborn, no - Chloe was stubborn, even mule-headed at times but the thing was - so was Nick.
Unfortunately, Chloe only saw his coldly appraising eyes as he pulled her in for a hug.
"Well, it looks like I found you."
Against his chest she breathed quicker, not really mid panic attack as much as mid-panic, like a cornered animal that knew that they had put themselves there.
"You're gonna rip your bag, Chlo."
She frowned into the bags paper and made a conscious effort at slowing her breathing, which was almost impossible against his chest. She pushed away a few inches and that helped a bit. When she could finally pull the bag away she dropped her hand, timidly glancing up at him under her lashes to find him already staring down at her, his face hard and concentrated. "So do we kiss, do we not kiss? How does this work?"
"Um."
"See normally, I would kiss my wife hello - but that was usually after a day at work or when she came back from a run, not after she disappears for two weeks!"
She braced herself, knowing he was going to yell now.
She couldn't even begrudge him that, not at all. Or maybe she could...he did get his office girl pregnant...what were the rules of conduct for a marriage filled with secret infidelity and lesbianism? The whole thing was almost laughable.
"You left in the middle of the night." He finally said, shoving his thumbs into his pockets, "You left in the middle of the night and then I didn't hear from you for two weeks! Two weeks Chlo! I've been calling you every day, I know you're not busy so explain to me how it is that you can't pick up the phone because I don't get it. I get that you're mad, I get that I made a huge mistake, but you don't get to just not pick up your phone, you don't get to just decide that we're not talking about this!"
"I'm not - mad." She pushed out, making him stare at her, incredulous.
"Then that's even worse! Don't you see that? I'm your husband, Chloe! I get that things are – weird – and hard. But we've been married for three years! You don't get to just run from that, you don't get to just vanish!"
"Are you here to take me home, Nick? Because -"
He scoffed cutting her off as he threw his hands up in the air in exasperation, "No!" With a groan of annoyance he pushed into the condo and fell onto the couch, pinching his eyes furiously. "Can you just - can you come here, please?"
Chloe paused, eyeing him warily. She had never done well with getting yelled at, it had always been her father's way and Nick knew that. Still, this was Nick - sweet, lovable, Nick.
"Chlo-" he held out his hand beseechingly and Chloe took it. He pulled her in next to him and she curled up into a small ball against his chest.
She had always liked sitting with him like this - when she knew it wasn't going to trigger her third life that is.
He habitually closed an arm around her and sighed, clicking his tongue. She could feel him trying to get rid of his anger, trying to stay calm and so she just waited, doing the same so she didn't go sheepishly running for her own calming device.
"Chloe, I just - we're married and aside from that, you're my friend. You know that. We have our problems, sure, we have a whole fucking lot of problems but we've always been friends under it all."
"Yes."
"You just - you don't get to fucking disappear, Chlo. You can't just avoid everything that scares or upsets you."
She let out a little laugh, feeling the sentence like a knife's edge and forcing a tear away from the corner of her eye, "That's funny. I've been hearing that a lot lately."
"Well," he shrugged his shoulder unapologetically, "it's what you do and the people who love you hate it. Trust me."
She sat up, scowling when he didn't let go of her and instead kept her close, "What else am I supposed to do, Nick? I'm - I'm paralyzed! With everything over the last few years, losing Beca, the pregnancies, your mom, our fighting, your obvious affair, Beca almost dying, what am I supposed to do? I'm afraid that no matter which step I take, no matter which direction I go in, everything will just - crumble. It will just crumble and I will lose everything. So what am I supposed to do?"
His hard face released and he sighed, pulling her back into the gently cuddle her, "One, you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, Chlo. This is exactly why you spent three extra years in school instead of moving on and I know you don't regret that-"
"I don't." She cut him off with a shake of her head, "Those three years gave me my Bellas and four championships and - and - Beca."
"I know you don't regret what you gained but I know you regret sitting for three years instead of facing what scares you."
"Yeah, I guess that is true."
"So learn from that, Chlo, for god sake! Learn from that and talk to the people who love you."
She sat for a minute, worrying her lip as she thought, "It's funny. You and Beca sound an awful lot alike."
"Is that supposed to surprise me?"
She let out a slightly teary chuckle.
He sighed in such a resigned way that Chloe frowned, watching him pick at his jeans, "I get why you want to run, though, Chloe. Not Jenny – I mean – that too and everything - but - you know. The thing. I get why you want to just totally avoid it all. I probably would too. I can't even be mad. I just couldn't let it end like this. I mean, this is our marriage."
"What do you mean? What thing?"
Nick's eyebrows drew together as he studied her thoughtfully, "Chloe, you don't think a man can tell when his wife is gay?"
Her mouth fell open in shock, her eyes round as saucers and though she wanted to pull away from him she couldn't get her body to unfreeze. She had thought he was going to bring up the pregnancies or his mother but - "How-?"
"I don't know, lots of little things. You used to stare just as much as I did when Josh's wife was washing her car in those little shorts - you only really enjoy a movie if there's a hot female lead - and sex, I mean, I liked it just fine. No, I liked it a lot. You're hot as hell, Chlo, but the things that you would - and wouldn't do - were pretty obvious. I kind of thought it was like Jenny, we both kind of knew that we both kind of knew. No?"
She opened her mouth, flabbergasted. What did she say? He had known? She couldn't believe it. She had barely known, so how had Nick? Why hadn't he said anything? She tried for words but very little came out of her suddenly sticky throat. "Nick…"
"It's alright, Chloe, I've known for a while, a few years at least. Well no, I had an idea that maybe - but I think seeing you here - in Beca's living room - and seeing how much you just don't care about Jenny - yeah, I think now I really know."
"I care…" Why was she so embarrassed? It was like she was suddenly lying naked before him, only, she had done that and it had never felt this - vulnerable. She frowned, touching his rough cheek, her soft tears coming just a little faster. "I'm so sorry, Nick."
He let out a bark of a laugh but she could see it was only to cover his pain, "Don't be. I know that you didn't know when we got married."
"No. I didn't." she swallowed hard, "Why did you stay? If you thought-"
He mulled this over for a minute while Chloe waited, "Remember how things used to be? How bad they were?"
"Yes." How could she forget? The year before last - and the year before that one - they had been the worst of her entire life; the loneliness, the isolation, she and Nick had barely been able to communicate; they had barely been able to be in the same room. She had made them both miserable and she hadn't been able to figure out why she had been so unhappy; not until the reunion.
"I considered leaving then. I really did." He confessed, "Things were just so bad between us and nothing I tried to do made it better. I was really pissed off but then you came home from that reunion that year and you were a different person, you were more of the Chloe I used to know."
"Nick, I kissed a woman at that reunion."
He nodded, his chin jutting boyishly, eyes downcast, "Yeah, I kind of figured it was something like that. It doesn't feel good to hear it but I assumed. I want to be mad about that, but I can't be. Not after Jenny. Not when it was clearly the right thing for you. So anyway," he cleared his throat, "I stuck around. I mean, we really were doing better and there are worse things than a gay wife." They both let out weak laughs at that, "Then I got involved with Jenny and I don't know, I guess I've just been waiting to see what happens."
"Nick…" her fingers closed around his shirt, holding him there, holding him in place as she finally said the thing out loud, "You know that I'm pregnant too?"
"I do. I do know."
She nodded, not surprised. Nick was a smart man. "I probably won't keep it."
"Hey." He softly grabbed her face so she had no choice but to look into his green eyes, "Don't say that, Chlo. You're going to keep this baby."
She nodded, not really believing it.
He stared back, fixed on her face, "Tell me something."
"What?"
"Why did you stay?"
She heaved a deep sigh, shaking her head emphatically, "Because, Nick. You're still my husband. I still love you, I've always loved you. I want to have your baby. I'm thirty, if I'm going to have one then it needs to be soon and I can't think of another man I would rather it be with than you. You're a catch. Plus, I don't know, I think that maybe I was just waiting to see what was going to happen too."
"You were avoiding it."
"I guess so." His face slowly switched into a grin. "What?"
"Well, you sure as hell weren't avoiding it altogether."
"What?"
"You know that we share a desktop, right?"
"Of course."
"What do you think I thought when I kept getting on X-Tube and finding the preferences changed to women for women?"
"What?" She cried over his laughter.
"I kept thinking it was some site malfunction and then I realized one day, no, not the site."
"Oh my god, Nick!" Chloe wailed, burying her face in his chest just to have somewhere to hide, "It's not funny! Stop it!" She smacked his chest, mortified.
"You do realize there are better sites that have actual porn for actual lesbians, right?"
"Oh my god, stop!"
"It's totally funny. Eventually, I just left the preferences."
"Oh my goooooood!" That was so embarrassing!
He wrapped his arms tighter around her, still chuckling, "Hey, at least you have good taste. Beca's hot."
She sat up straight, "What? What does anything have to do with Beca?"
"Well, she's your lover - um, girlfriend - thing, isn't she?"
"No! Why - why would you ever think that?" She snapped making his head pull back a few inches in surprise.
"I uh, my bad! Uh, sorry!"
"I just don't get why you would think that!" She screeched.
"I don't know, Chlo! I said I was wrong! Damn!"
She frowned, taking a few deep breaths and letting the sudden tension melt from them both. "Why are you being so nice about all of this?"
"Well, I guess I've already had a few years to get used to the idea - ofyoubeingalesbian, not of-" he cleared his throat awkwardly, scratching at his stubble.
She sighed, settling in closer again.
They hadn't been the happiest and his mother made her crazy but he was a good guy. She knew that he had made mistakes but so had she. She would miss him if he ever left her life. She had missed him over the past weeks in a way. "Your mom has been calling me."
"Yeah, she's pretty pissed. You told her that you would help with the Henderson Fall mixer, remember?"
"Oh god, that's right! I just thought that you told her I left."
"Hell no, are you crazy?! She thinks you're here to help a sick friend. I didn't know what else to tell her."
She just shook her head. "What do we do now, Nick?"
"I don't know, Chlo. The way I see it we have two choices and then a hundred choices within those."
"Okay."
"What it comes down to, Chloe is: do we stay married or do we get divorced?"
"What about Jenny?"
She saw him deflate a little but as she watched she also saw something amazing there in his face. "You love her." She suddenly cried.
"What?"
"Nick! You totally love her."
"I uh," a slight blush crept across his cheeks.
"Oh my god!" She laughed, bouncing on her shins when, embarrassed, he covered his eyes with his hand. "You do!" She thought that perhaps she should have been upset, hurt, heartbroken or even just weirded out but instead she just felt a warm sense of wonder as she looked at his face, the grin she knew he wasn't aware he had.
"It doesn't mean I don't love you, Chlo."
"It's different."
"Yeah. It is."
"And she's having your baby. The odds are Nick, let's face it, she's probably the only one who will actually give you a baby."
"Damn it, Chloe, stop it!" She jumped. "I'm sorry, but look, you never know. I want that baby," he touched her stomach, "just as much as I ever have. You're a pretty great one to get pregnant with too."
Despite herself, she laughed but it died quickly, swallowed by other thoughts, "I guess I just - I can't let myself feel pregnant. I can't let myself get attached. I can't bear to go through this again. I haven't had any symptoms. I've only been sick twice. I just…I can't." His hand closed around her cheek as she studied her lap, "Do you know what my first thought was when I found out that I was pregnant, Nick?"
"What?"
"Misery. I was -" her voice hitched as she remembered the feeling of doom, the feeling of dread, "I was so sure that this would just end badly again…am sure."
"Chlo, it only has to happen once, right?"
"What if it doesn't? I want this baby so badly, Nick, so much but I can't even let myself think about it. I can't go through this again."
"You're not alone, Chlo, you're not. You have people to help you and this will work. You will keep this baby. You heard the doctors; there is nothing wrong with either of us. Just - just don't mourn its loss before you have lost it, okay?"
"How far along is Jenny?" She asked just to change the subject and again felt better seeing his unconscious smile.
"Eleven weeks."
"Is she excited?"
"I think she's scared. I mean, I'm married."
"Well yeah, but to a lesbian."
His loud laughter filled the room, making her smile, easing the tension in her chest. This conversation was so strange, so weird, but so freeing. She never would have thought this would be what happened when she opened the front door. There had been no bickering, no silly or petty back and forth; it was as though they had both stepped into this - ready.
She sighed, resting back against his chest, "Maybe - maybe this is our chance, Nick. We're not happy, not like we should be. You're not happy, I'm not happy."
"Now that's not true, Chlo, and you know it. We just - our happy is different than the movies."
"But it's not complete, Nick."
"Nooo, I know it's not."
"There has to be more. If we get divorced then you could be with Jenny." She wasn't scared and yet, even saying the words was painful. She sat there for a while, both of them silent under the word - divorce - it was terrifying, the worst word you could say to your spouse and yet...
"Is that what you want?"
"I don't know."
Was that the right thing to do? She supposed it was. It was inevitable, wasn't it? They couldn't stay married, not now.
"I don't know if I'm ready for you to no longer be my wife. I love you, Chlo."
She chewed her lip, "I don't know." She settled in deeper, "Nick?"
"Hmm?" He had started softly caressing her hair, something she had always loved, though, strangely she had never noticed how large his hands felt compared to Beca's.
"What is it about Jenny? What is it that made you love her?"
His hands stilled and she could feel him wondering if this was a trap.
"I'm honestly asking."
"Um - I don't know, Chloe."
"Is it just because she's hot?" The sound that came from his throat was rude at best. "That was lovely."
"I'm sorry but what kind of guy do you think I am?"
She rolled her eyes, "Tell me."
He sighed, his chest rising and falling, "I really don't know. She's funny. I think you would like her if you ever really got to get to know her."
"She makes you laugh?"
"I don't think she ever really means to," he admitted with a chuckle, "but she's hilarious. She makes these faces when she thinks no one is looking that are - cute - they are the cutest things I have ever seen. You know I've been playing video games because of her?"
"Really? You hate video games!"
"Yeah I know, but she loves them. She made me play with her one day and it's so - fun - and easy to sit there with her and play this game and just laugh."
She smiled from her hidden spot below his chin, "Tell me more."
"Sometimes we'll rough house, like wrestle, like we're kids and it's amazing. She can't cook at all, not like you, but it's like - I don't even care. She's probably going to poison this baby trying to cook for it but I know that and I just think - well, I'll cook then." He paused, scratching his chin as he thought, "Chlo - it's like - every time I see her - every time I'm walking up to her door…"
"Tell me."
"I don't know, it's like, I've been seeing her for a year and working with her for another year on top of that but walking up to her door I feel like a goofy teenager again. My stomach gets all twisted and anxious. It's like - you know that moment when you're on a roller coaster and you're at the top, looking down but you haven't started to drop yet? You know it's coming but it hasn't started yet?"
It took Chloe a second to respond, a frown building, "Yeeeah, yeah I do."
"It's like - it's thrilling and almost too much all at once but you can't wait for it. And, and I don't know, I don't care what she's saying, she can be rattling on about her shoes and I don't care because I just like listening to her talk. And god, all she has to do is look at me and I'm like - out of my mind, you know? Like, she touches my arm and I feel fire everywhere." He stilled as he glanced down at her face, "I'm sorry, that was too much. Fuck! God, I'm such a douchebag! I'm so-"
"No! Please. Tell me more. Tell me - the fire -"
Again he paused unsure but she sat up, looking him square in the face, desperate for him to keep talking.
She needed to hear this, she needed to.
"I've never wanted someone this bad, Chlo, at least, not since I first met you. I mean, I dream about her, how cliché is that? I just - I can't stop touching her. I mean, obviously - she's pregnant - but it's more than that. While we're cooking, at the store, driving, I just, I don't feel right unless some part of me is touching some part of her."
"Because you want her? Because - because you like having sex with her?"
"Because I love her. Whoa. I guess I do. Wow. That's crazy. Whoa! Chlo, what's wrong? Why are you crying? I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry! I'm an ass, I'm an ass! I'm sorry!"
But she wasn't listening. She wasn't even there right now.
She was back in 2008.
She was glancing around, panicked because if they couldn't find more Bella recruits then they couldn't compete. She was remembering the moment that Aubrey rejected her, insisting that her style wouldn't meld with their own. She remembered watching her face as she explained about the groups on campus, feeling her stomach flutter, watching the way that her eyes danced with sarcastic humor. She remembered the momentary devastation when she heard the word 'lame' because if she thought that a capella was lame then she must think she was lame too and –how fiercely she had wanted to do something to change that. She remembered how desperately she had tried to think of something to say, how much she had wanted to make her see.
She was remembering the unbearable excitement when she looked up from her seat during auditions and saw her there, peeking around the curtain. She was remembering the way her heart had stopped in her chest for a second, the way that her mind had gone back - only for a moment - to standing in front of her naked and the way that had made her head feel fuzzy.
She was remembering everything.
All of the cuddling.
All of the innocent goodbye kisses.
All of the times she had reached out and touched Beca and needed to feel her touch back.
All of the times that Beca smiled at her and she had felt as though the wind had been knocked from her lungs.
She remembered the feeling of Beca's body against hers in the kitchen, the way she had moved into her, the way each laugh, each note had felt like - like a drop of alcohol, wearing away at her restraint. She remembered being surprised by her body's reaction, by the pull in her belly, by the dampness that she had felt.
Why hadn't that…why hadn't that been enough to make her see?
"Chloe?"
Her hand went to his chest to silence him.
She had felt all of this. She had felt every single thing he had said. She had felt it for years. Not with Nick - or Tom - or anyone else - only with - Beca. For – years. She had felt it all with - for - Beca.
Was it possible to feel desire - to feel, oh god, to feel lust and not recognize it for what it was? It had always just been - how she felt when Beca was near her - it was - it was just her Beca feeling. She had never thought about it twice.
"Chlo, why are you crying?"
"I've- I've felt that. I think… but I don't understand."
Nick seemed to understand, though, "is it possible that as a gay woman those feelings look a little different from the thing you thought was, you know - that? Like, if you grow up being told an apple is an orange then you're going to think an apple is an orange and never know that in reality and orange is an orange." He grinned, "That didn't make any sense."
"Actually, yes, it did. Oh god, Nick! Oh god!" Her hand clamped down on his arm as she felt her panic begin to rise.
"Like I said before, Chlo. You have good taste."
"This isn't funny, Nick!"
Years. They could have had years.
How - she still didn't understand. How had she never…
She remembered Stacie's dare, that silly little drunken dare that had been too much – because it was Beca – anyone else – but not Beca.
Apples and oranges.
He took a deep breath, studying her, "Are you coming home, Chlo?"
Her mouth opened and then closed...opened and then - "I think - I think this is where I'm supposed to be right now."
He nodded slowly, clearly not surprised, "We still have a lot of things to talk about."
She chuckled, flushed, "I promise I'll answer my phone."
"Ha! Yeah right. I was thinking, do you mind if I get a hotel room for a day or two?"
She frowned, "Why don't you just stay here? I know Beca wouldn't mind."
Beca.
"Chlo." He gave her a dry eye roll, "I kinda think that you and Beca need to have a talk and me being here, I think that would be weird for everyone involved."
…A talk…
Her stomach buzzed, excited and nervous.
Did they need to have a talk?
Should they have a talk?
"Hey. You wanna grab some lunch?"
"I'm sorry, what?" She blinked a few times quickly and forced her hand back into her lap; it had been hovering anxiously over her throat in a way it rarely did anymore.
"Lunch. I'm hungry."
"Oh. Um. Okay?"
The strange thing was that it wasn't even awkward. They drove to the only place around them that Chloe knew, Vinny's, and ordered a few slices.
"So you know you owe me a huge favor, right?"
She blinked. She did owe him a favor. She - she was so blind. Would she have seen this if he hadn't spoken so passionately of Jenny?
"I mean, my mom is going to kill me when I tell her you're not going to be there for the mixer."
"What? Oh! Yeah, that! Oh boy, she's not going to be happy." She was trying hard not to be distracted and was failing completely. Her mind was just – elsewhere.
"Not at all."
"You know you're going to have to tell her about Jenny and the baby."
"Maybe I'll just move to Vermont instead and send her a few postcards. I can Photoshop you in."
"Oh god, I guess I'm going to have to tell my parents too, aren't I?"
"Yeah, have fun with that one."
She laughed lightly. It was funny, it was easy to laugh with him, to sit there beside him when she didn't have to fight and strain to be his wife. "Maybe we should do it together."
"What, like call them on speakerphone?"
"Yeah, why not? Like 'hi mom, just calling to tell you that Chloe is a lesbian and my girlfriend is having my baby so we're going to get divorced. No big deal. Okay, have a good afternoon. Say hi to dad.' Then we'll call your parents."
"Lesbian." She said around a mouthful of food, "God, that still kind of freaks me out."
"Try being me! I'm the guy who married a lesbian. I'm Ross!"
She rolled her eyes and gave him a little shove, "If it helps anything, one day I will be married to a lesbian too."
"Oh god, that's so weird!"
Chloe covered her mouth to hide a giggle. "Hey, question. How did you know I was pregnant?"
He let out a snort, "I've seen you pregnant four times now, Chloe. I knew before you even took the test."
She frowned, taking a second to process that.
"Actually, I knew all month. You think you're so sly but you're not, Chlo. Right at the beginning is much the only time that you can't get enough Oreos and pickles. Once I saw those show up – I knew. You never let yourself eat like that."
"What? What are you talking about, Nick?"
He turned to chastise her and that she found she didn't like the way he was looking at her, reading her, "You haven't gone to the doctor yet."
She bit her lip.
"Chloe!"
"Nick, I'm not going to keep it!"
"How far along are you?"
"A couple of weeks, I think. I'll set one up soon."
"Chloe!" He barked, "I can't believe you! You can't just not go to the doctor. Jenny has been on vitamins and had two checkups already and I would put money on the idea that you're at least as far along as she is."
"What? No."
"Oh come on, Chloe, the month before this last test, I know that you didn't check."
"What?" She...hadn't. She hadn't been able to face it – so when she saw that the box of strips was empty she just – had decided not to bother. She had thought there was no way – skipping one month wouldn't matter and if she began to feel different then she could always go do it – it had been a weak moment. Oh god, was that possible? Could she be a whole month further along than she thought? Nick said Jenny was eleven weeks – oh god, had she been pregnant when she had come for the reunion? No. No way. She was sure of it. It literally wasn't possible thanks to her last period but – just after – she began counting backward in her mind.
"We didn't even have any strips," he laughed, "and you didn't notice until I said something the next month."
"I…noticed."
"Chlo!"
"No. No, no way." But her mind was whizzing, making her shake her head a bit too franticly. "That's not possible. I can't be that far along, I always start getting morning sickness around five weeks. That's not possible. No, there's no way." Except it was entirely possible.
"Chloeeeee- don't start freaking out."
"Freaking out? Why would I be freaking out?" She cried in a high voice, mentally tallying all the things that she had done in the past weeks. A few glasses of wine. A few cups of coffee. Oh god. She had been staying clear of Beca's cigarette smoke but Nick's coworkers smoked and she was sure she had spent at least one evening with them.
"Breathe."
"I am breathing!" she cried taking in a huge gulp of air. Her hand flattened on her stomach, was it possible? "I don't even know for sure that I'm still pregnant, Nick."
"Well, I think you would know if you weren't. You always have before."
"Oh god, what kind of mother will I be if I didn't even see a doctor for months?" She hadn't realized she was wailing until she saw Nick flush, meeting the eyes of the older couple next to them.
"Pregnancy hormones." He explained.
The couple gave a small knowing 'aahhh' and continued eating.
"Nick!"
He just started to laugh.
She had gone with him to check into his motel down the road from the condo with a promise that yes, when he found out what type of out of state coverage they had, she would make a doctor's appointment as soon as possible. She didn't really want to but she couldn't deny the low-grade panic she now felt at the idea that perhaps she had just been caught up in other things and had missed this; that for the first time in years she had let her mind drift away from the rigorous charting and keeping track and it had been at the one moment she shouldn't. She knew it was normal, that it happened all the time; all the books and websites said so, that's why you were supposed to check twice a month no matter what - but still. She worried. Which was silly, there was no point in worrying. She had lost three babies. She would lose this one too.
She had always been a highly optimistic person, always, but she had run out of optimism when it came to this.
She was exhausted as she let herself back into Beca's condo and felt a small pang when she remembered that no one was home.
They had fought that morning.
God, had that only been this morning? Had it only been the night before last that she had danced with Beca in the kitchen and felt – oh god, had felt that feeling in her stomach? That felt like five lifetimes ago, back when she hadn't understood - she hadn't understood why every time she thought of Beca today her stomach had done a little tango.
Who missed something like that?
She thought of her old therapist and felt a spasm of anger and then another wave of exhaustion.
She just did not have it in her to be upset right then.
She changed back into her pajamas and then decided to just get into bed.
Ooooh, the blankets felt wonderful and despite everything, she was asleep within seconds.
She wasn't sure how long she had slept when she woke again, but she felt a little better.
Beca.
It was the first thing her mind landed on.
Beca.
She wanted to be angry with herself - she was angry at herself but - she was also so...happy? Yes, she thought was happy about this.
Beca.
...Who was right here...
And had loved her once.
Had she loved her too? Nick had made it sound a lot like she did. Had she?
The idea of that filled her already jittery, excited belly with more butterflies; throwing in confetti and cotton candy and all things sweet as well.
She knew she should be freaking out, pacing the floor, ripping apart bag after bag only - it all kind of explained a lot. It was like learning the answer to a long-standing unasked question.
It just made so many little things - so many big things - make sense.
The problem was - her life wasn't exactly simple, was it?
Oh god, when had her life gotten so complicated? Why was she asking herself that so much lately?
The sad thing was it had probably gotten complicated the exact moment she had said 'I do' to Nick. That was kind of ironic, wasn't it? The moment that was supposed to seal her romantic future had actually catapulted it into total chaos.
She would talk to Beca.
She had never willingly kept anything from Beca.
She would talk to her.
Because she was attracted to Beca.
God, she was so attracted to Beca that she literally had not been able to define it.
She stayed in bed, thinking for a long while; so long that the sun was starting to dip low in the sky outside of her window, falling into 'golden hour'. She stretched, taking a moment to enjoy the way the strips of gold fell into the room. She reached out, enjoying the way that the sun fell on her fingers, as though she was able to cup the light.
...She was trying not to worry about Beca, again but even the beauty of the sun couldn't pull her away from her anxious thoughts.
Beca had been so upset that morning and once again Chloe had heard nothing.
She had to assume that she had gone to work which probably meant that she would be heading to the club within a few hours.
She should get up soon, make some dinner - maybe see if Nick wanted to go see a movie or something. She really didn't feel like sitting in an empty house and thinking for much longer.
Lucky for her, she didn't have to.
She had almost -almost - convinced herself to get up when she heard her door click open.
A small smile came to her lips as she felt the thin body slide in behind her, wrapping her arms around her and resting her chin on her neck.
Chloe's stomach gave a strong, delightful twist, the muscles in her throat clenching and she had to inwardly laugh.
This was so silly.
That reaction wasn't new, not at all.
How had she not known?
Just because she hadn't felt it for Nick, the person she was supposed to feel it for?
It was so obvious.
"You came home from work? You're not at the club?" It was a silly question and so she rephrased it. "I didn't think I'd see you again until tomorrow morning."
Beca just sighed, her head falling against Chloe's and the ginger was surprised to find there was no alcohol on her breath. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I just – I can't freaking believe I did that. And - I don't know how to blow off steam without drinking - I don't know how to do what I do while sober, Chlo. No one is sober there, that's why Emily is back off the wagon. No one. That's not how we live. And then the thing is, once I'm a little drunk I just want to get more drunk because it feels so good not to think. Not thinking is, like," Beca huffed, pushing her hand though her hair, "my favorite thing in the world. So - how do I do it? How do I keep EZ happy and stay sober? How do I keep my reputation and stay sober? I - I don't want to be someone who helps push a friend off the wagon, Chlo."
She set her hand over Beca's so that they would stay where they were and turned around in her arms.
Wow.
She felt her eyes fluttering, trying to adjust as she turned to face her.
They used to cuddle this way all of the time, it was their go to pillow talk position, nose to nose like this but - it was different now. She opened her mouth to speak but Beca was so close - Beca - who she was attracted to - apparently a lot - whose soulful eyes were looking at her with such intensity. She spent a second pushing a lock of hair a little further from Beca's face just to give herself time, "I think the whole point is that you're being given a chance to change your job and your reputation. Is that really a reputation you want? I mean, am I wrong when I say that you don't want to be like P.J., you don't want a studio like his?"
"No."
"Then I think that is the answer. I don't know about EZ, Bec, I really don't but you can't build your whole career around him." She softly brushed her fingers against her cheek, "Beca, it's okay not to live the way everyone else in the studio does, it's okay not to have this lifestyle. It's okay not to want it. It's okay to be different."
Beca frowned.
"Plus, you're supposed to be leaning on me to help you do all of that, remember?"
"Yeah, I know but…"
"But what?"
"It's...complicated."
"Well?"
Beca let out a long sigh, her cheeks puffing for a moment as she blew it out, "I don't know. Maybe I just suck."
"You don't suck, Beca Mitchell, don't talk about my friend that way. You're just caught in a cycle. All we have to do is break it."
"Oh, that's all, huh?"
"Which you can totally do! I know it. I need you on this planet. Em and I, we got you."
Beca nodded slowly, lost in her thoughts until Chloe leaned in, cupping her cheek. All she was planning on doing was giving her a quick Eskimo kiss, like she had done a million times, but her heart jumped high into her throat.
Oh god, she had felt that in the past too. She loved the feeling. It was the reason why this was her go-to sign of affection with Beca.
She brushed their noses together, delighting in the laugh that came from her best friend.
Laughter was good; they needed more laughter.
"Hey! Don't roll your eyes at me!"
"I dunno, Chlo, it's pretty hard not to."
"Hmm." Chloe's eyes narrowed, "I guess it doesn't matter because eye roll or not, you totally love me."
Beca let out a quick snort, "Nu-uh."
"Yes-uh, you've said it yourself."
"What? No way!"
"Yup." She popped the P with a smirk, "A couple of times now. You said it."
"Okay, crazy. What did I say exactly?"
"'I love you, awesome nerd'. Though, to be fair I think once it was 'nerd face'."
Beca's cheeks were red as she buried her face in the pillow under them, "Ugh, god, you're so annoying."
"But you love me."
"Ugh, I do."
"I love you too." She smiled, curling Beca's hair around her finger.
"You do?" Beca's face came out of the pillow, shining.
"Of course, I do! I always have! You're my best friend! You're Beca! And-" It wasn't until she was watching Beca's face fall ever so slightly that she realized what she had said. Oh god, it hadn't even occurred to her! She just meant… oh she was so dumb! She hated it, she hated seeing that slight change around her eyes so she started to do a little teasing wiggle, insisting, "You loooove me, you loooooove me!"
It worked.
Beca scoffed, pushing her face away and making her yelp. "You're so weird!"
"Hey!" Beca had started to sit up, to move away and that was the very last thing that Chloe wanted. She just - she wanted to be close to her a little longer so, not thinking she reached out, snaring her by the neck, "Where do you think you're going? You can't -" and then she lost track of her words. She had just meant to tease, to keep it going but she could see something on Beca's face, as though being grabbed that way had triggered something within her. It was just a fleeting second before Beca stifled it, wiped it away, but it stopped Chloe dead. She had seen that look a million times before too, that slight darkening of her eyes, but now…
Something caught in her throat and she blinked, slightly disoriented, those hot butterflies back in her stomach.
This – this feeling was - this was amazing.
She blinked slowly, her head spinning.
She knew she should let go of her, that she should stop holding her by the neck only, her fingers wound in tighter, higher into the nape of Beca's neck. She could feel that feeling again, starting in her stomach and spreading, the same feeling she felt when they were dancing, that heady inebriation.
It was so new and yet - it was so old.
It was as though a door had been opened, letting so many things through; like taking one step to the left and settling into a warm bath, delightful and comfortable.
She knew she was biting her lip, she had watched Beca watch her do it. She had seen the way that Beca's gunmetal blue eyes had flicked, tracing the movement before darting back up.
She should let her go.
Beca shifted ever so slightly, her hand lightly falling to Chloe's stomach. It was innocent, she was just trying to keep her balance, half pulled over this way.
But there it was.
Wildfire.
Starting at the points of each and every one of Beca's fingers and spreading fast.
That one touch, it was better than anything she had felt before - and she wanted more.
She didn't really know if it was right or fair or smart - all she knew was - she really wanted to kiss her.
Just one kiss.
Just to know what it would feel like.
Just one.
And she couldn't look away.
So she pulled, barely at all, just enough. Her back arched, meeting Beca's body long before their lips could touch.
But when they did it was a gentle detonation. Yet it was so soft, so sweetly tentative and over so quickly that she couldn't be sure her mind hadn't made it up.
She felt Beca pull back a few inches, her eyebrows drawn as her eyes flicked between Chloe's, searching. She opened her mouth to speak but Chloe's hand, the one in her hair, contracted of its own accord and they came together, fast and hard.
Their lips met and she wasn't sure which one of them it was who let out the small sound; she had no idea, all she knew was that their lips fit together so well. She should probably stop this, think about it, talk about it with her. And then she felt Beca's lips part and she was spinning, feeling the gentle pressure of Beca's tongue against her own, the taste of her washing over her.
She needed more.
She pulled tighter, reaching deeper, moving faster, feeling Beca crawl over her fast; hands clutching either side of Chloe's face, pinning them together as her body held her against the bed.
And it still wasn't enough.
How had they never done this? They had cuddled, they had hugged – they had seen one another naked, so how was it that this was the first time their tongues were wrapping together this way, touching and pressing.
"Ooooh, holy fuck. Oh my god." She could taste Beca's words and reached for more, reached deeper, leaning up off the pillows as they moved together, rolling, lips crashing, shaking.
Her eyes closed, her body limp in Beca's hands as she felt Beca's frantic lips move from hers, down her jaw and to her throat, only to desperately jump back again like a magnet.
She was lost, drifting somewhere in the heavens, each roll of Beca's tongue sending an ocean wave of new sensation through her.
She sucked in air through her nose, trying to steady herself but Beca moved again, frenzied; kissing, licking, desperately biting her way down her throat, across her chest; taking in as much of Chloe as she could as quickly as she could.
She couldn't breathe.
Oh god, she didn't want to breathe.
She could live in the feeling of Beca's breath against her skin; that would be enough.
"Oooooh!" Beca's mouth had closed on her breast through her shirt and she had let out a cry so loud, her back arching so far that Beca jumped away, startled; everything stopping as she released her. Chloe fell back to the pillows with a grunt.
"I'm sorry! Shit! Fuck. I'm,"
"No, no, I'm sorry. Don't stop. Please."
"Really? Chl-"
She could hear the disbelief in Beca's hoarse voice, fear and worry, so her hand clenched in her hair again, hooking her, pulling her back to her body; the moan that popped from Beca only fueling her fire.
"Beca-" oh god, this feeling was going to drive her insane. "Bec-"
Beca's lips worked their way back up her chest to her lips and she could feel her shift, her whole body pressing into Chloe.
Oh god, this felt – so good – Beca felt – so good.
She wrapped around her, her leg going over a jeaned hip, her hands sliding up the back of her shirt to land on bare skin. "Bec- I've never - I haven't-" she gave up in a sharp gasp as Beca's lips close around her ear, her thigh pressing into her once.
Beca was silent for a moment, as if replaying the sound Chloe had just made again and again. "Do you want to?"
Oh, that voice, so close. She could feel it everywhere, licking and pulling…
"Yes."
Had she said just a kiss?
She couldn't stop.
There was no stopping now.
'****'
"Bec…Beca...oh…Bec…"
That was going to drive her insane.
She loved the way it sounded.
She loved the way Chloe said it.
She loved the way, when she pressed against her, Chloe latched herself tighter, pulling her in.
She could feel somewhere in her mind that she should stop this - but then her hands slid together up Chloe's twitching stomach, over her tee shirt covered breasts and she knew there would be no stopping it. Not when she could feel the small peaks under her palms this way.
Everything in her hitched, and she slowly she moved, giving a tentative experimental graze.
She watched Chloe's eyes pop open her lips pulling into an 'O' of surprise as she did. So Beca let her fingers rub, her thumbs caressing and Chloe's eyes rolled back as she let out the most delicious little 'oh' that Beca had ever heard.
Oh god. Oh fuck, oh Jesus.
She knew she had just lost control, something different taking over entirely, something old that had been living within her, uncared for and starved for a long time.
Need.
She needed her.
She pushed her shirt, needing to feel Chloe's skin, needing to know it. She pushed and barely registered when Chloe pulled it all the way off. She trailed her nose against the hollow just under her ribs, breathing in her scent, tasting her skin. She kissed her way up each rib, settling against the swell between bare rib and breast.
It wasn't enough.
Her mind swimming, she moved, scooting so she could remove her shorts, trailing her lips down her hip, thigh and shin as it went.
She looked up and the sight slammed into her, everything slowing, her eyes going wide.
Her mouth opened but she had no words to say; there could never be enough.
She reached forward, placing a few fingers on her bare hip, just to know Chloe was really there with her as she took her in.
Not once, not once in her life had she ever seen something so beautiful, something so powerful as the sight of Chloe lying bare to her eyes, lying naked under her palm, looking at her in that way. She wasn't hiding herself, she wasn't ashamed or embarrassed; she was just watching Beca look at her.
Slowly her fisted palm splayed out over Chloe's quivering belly. She watched how the muscles moved; fascinated, absorbed and she had to know more, after so long, she had to know her this way.
She slid her palm down, over a hip and watched Chloe's face change, felt the warm, soft skin of her thigh under her fingertips.
She leaned forward, taking her lips again, pulling her own shirt over her head, pushing her jeans down just so she could feel her skin against hers, feeling every sparking inch where they touched.
She just needed to touch her - taste her - feel her - hear her, absorb her in every way. She loved the little sounds Chloe was making, the little coos and oh's, the way her face moved.
It was almost selfish.
Beca just explored, mapping her, starting at her lips, moving to her feet and back.
She just needed to work through so many years of loving her, of needing her. She couldn't believe that after so long she was finally here.
She kissed her neck, listening, she trailed her nose across her belly, watching, she closed her mouth on a hipbone, tasting.
She studied with great fascination the way Chloe's jaw worked as she ran her fingers over her thighs, around and back.
She felt the way her calf went tense in her hand when she softly bit the tendon in her ankle.
She memorized the way her fingers twitched when she softly sucked at the pulse point of her wrist.
Beca took it all in, learning it, answering long wondered questions, creating new ones.
She knew she had never seen Chloe's eyes so blue, so intensely focused, so entirely lost as when she sat up under Beca's hands, reaching for her and pulling her back to her mouth.
A long, deeply felt moan came from Beca as Chloe's fingers closed around her own, threading them together for a moment before she led her to where she wanted her, where Beca had been politely avoiding. She held her there, pressing in a silent beg. Beca's face buried in Chloe's throat, unable to not comply. Beca knew she cried out as she felt herself slide, becoming part of her.
Beca's mouth fell open, her face contorting against Chloe's neck as she felt her for the first time; felt her warmth, her texture, the way that Chloe's fingers clamped into her hair, hear the soft beautifully contented sound that came from the mouth just beside her ear as they fell back to the sheets.
She stayed there for a long time, moving and feeling, each exploratory stroke making her own toes curl, drawing her up, pulling things from Beca she never knew could exist. She felt the lightest fluttering of fingers against her own sex and she had to sit up, sit back, trying to reel herself back in, trying to see clearly but Chloe followed her, searching for her mouth again, moving to her throat, darkening the skin as she left a small love bite.
It was too much, so overwhelming; the feeling of Chloe's lips on her throat, the feeling of moving within her, feeling her hips rock to meet her, hearing her name falling from those lips she knew so well, falling in this new way. It was more than she could handle.
How was it possible to love someone so much? How was there ever enough room in any one body for it? How was there enough room anywhere for it?
Chloe's arms wrapped around her, holding herself close, her cheek pressed against Beca's chest and Beca just watched her, the serenity on her face, the way she smiled when Beca leaned down and brushed her lips against her forehead.
Beca wasn't looking for an end as she laid her back against the pillows, she had forgotten to seek, just feeling the way Chloe's body moved under her, feeling the way her own body responded. She had forgotten and so when she felt Chloe tense into climax, heard her name gasped, she had an honest moment of surprise - before a dizzying hurricane of vivacious need crashed into her.
'****'
It was new - different and Chloe felt herself instantly addicted to the way Beca responded to her, the way she touched her with such awe, such reverence. She was in love with watching Beca's private journey, watching the way her face grew studious as she touched her, researched her.
She had never been more moved than when she saw Beca looking at her, she had never felt more beautiful, sexier, more loved.
Beca didn't need to say it; Chloe knew. She could see it in every movement of her eyes.
Her body finally went limp, wrapped around her, holding Beca to her, unwilling to let go as something more powerful than she had ever known finally released its hold on her. She could hear Beca's small giddy laugh, she could feel her renewed desperation in her lips.
And Chloe wanted more.
So she pushed, watching Beca's surprised face as she stretched herself over her, feeling the surprise melt as she kissed her.
Perhaps she should have been scared as such a novice, but she couldn't find it in her as she pulled away the last bit of Beca's clothing between them and stopped just to look.
Her breath gusted from her and she knew why Beca's face had looked that way.
She let a finger trace her collarbones, between her breasts, over her navel, biting her lip when Beca's breathing hitched.
She had seen her bare before, not just in the shower but in one or two accidental glances over the years – and yet, she had never seen her like this.
"You don't-" Beca cleared her throat, unable to look at her, "You don't have to."
For a moment Chloe had no idea what she was talking about. She didn't have to? She didn't have to what?
Then Beca cleared her throat again, her free hand twisting the sheets below her in nervous tension and Chloe understood.
Chloe opened her mouth to argue, to reassure but instead leaned down and placed one soft kiss over a nipple.
She liked that, the way that Beca jumped, the noise that came from her when her lips brushed the skin. She did it again, trailing gently back and forth, smiling when Beca swore in a high voice. "I want to."
Her fingers trailed over her stomach, tracing the peacock feather, touching the small simple bar of metal through her belly button, feeling Beca watching her face but she couldn't look up, her fingers crossing her skin to the small words under her breast, the tattoo - about her.
She drew a finger over the G and the H, thinking of its significance, of its meaning. She thought of the pain Beca must have felt to get it, blocking her heart like a wall; pain so strong that it had made her run from her for years; pain that could have been avoided if she had just understood...if she had just known.
Pain so deep that it forced Beca to bury who she was and to live in the shadows.
What must it have been like to watch the woman she loved with other people?
How many times must she have cried? How many tears had she shed?
All because she hadn't known.
Her fingers finished tracing the words as her first tear dropped onto Beca's skin.
She wanted to hold her, to wipe it all away, to take that pain on herself and free Beca of it forever. She wanted to go back; she wanted to make it better.
Her hand flattened, covering the words, holding them, holding Beca's heart, "I'm so sorry, Beca. I'm - I'm so sorry that you ever felt pain because of me. I'm so - I'm sorry."
She felt Beca's hands pulling her to her, felt her heavy kisses, heard her unspoken words in the way she held her face – she felt Beca's forgiveness and something cold, something heavy around her heart let go, drifting away.
"Chlo." Beca let out a dry sob and the sound did things to Chloe's head that she didn't know was possible.
"Mmm, say that again, please," she whispered through a breathless smile.
"Chloe," Beca begged, her hands pulling her to her, reaching between their bodies for her.
And Chloe lost herself.
Nothing felt different and yet everything was different as she laid there, draped over Beca, feeling their chests rise and fall quickly, catching their breath.
She let out a content sigh, her fingers lightly tracing over a nipple. "Mmmm, why didn't you just do that to me years ago, Bec?"
Beca let out a laugh, her belly shaking as she covered her face.
Chloe looked up, grinning. She was surprised. She would have thought that Beca would have grown awkward by now, unsure of what it meant or uncomfortable but thus far she had simply held Chloe to her, peppering small kisses across her forehead and hands. "It would have solved a lot of problems if you had."
"Yeah, call me crazy, I guess. I probably should have known after you told me that you wished you had 'experimented more in college'."
Chloe giggled, rubbing her nose against her skin, breathing in the scent. "Can we do it again?"
"Right now?" Beca squeaked, looking down at her with wide eyes. "Jesus, I don't think I can come again! At least not yet."
Chloe bit her lip. She would give just about anything to hear those words again.
Beca caught her eye and scoffed, seeing through her. "Come. Yes, Chloe I came. A lot."
She moaned, loving what the words were doing to her body and loving the returning sound she got when she softly sucked Beca's nipple into her mouth. "But I didn't – I didn't go – inside of you."
Beca laughed again, "Trust me, I'm very happy about everything that just happened. Promise."
Chloe grinned against her skin, moving to run her tongue over the other surprisingly sharp nipple, "I'm telling you. All of our problems. Solved." She loved the way that Beca's hand grabbed a handful of her hair, her hips rolling beneath her as she let out sounds that Chloe was sure she would never get tired of. She released and kissed her way up to her throat, burying herself just below her ear.
"Does – does – this – shit - this feel strange to you at all?"
"What?"
"You know, lying here naked together."
Chloe pulled away, honestly thinking about it, "No. I guess it should, huh?"
"I dunno...maybe?"
"Do you think it feels different for you? Since you spent so long wanting this to happen?"
"I don't know."
Chloe sighed, resting her cheek against her chest. "I still wish you would have told me."
"I still think there was no way I could have."
"Was it hard?"
"Was it hard? Yeah, it was hard, Chlo! Every fucking day!"
"Was it hard not dating?"
Beca was quiet for a few moments, her fingers tracing idly over Chloe's bare back, "No." she finally said, "No, it wasn't. I didn't want to date, that's the thing."
"Why?"
Beca gave a dry laugh, "Because no one ever came close to you for me. What was the point?"
"Really?" Chloe bit her lip, grinning, making Beca laugh harder.
"Really." She watched Beca's face cloud over as she smoothed a finger across Chloe's lip, "That's why I had to leave. I had to make things change for me."
"I wish you hadn't. I wish I had known." She gave her a small smile as she felt Beca's finger poke at the tense spot between her tight eyebrows.
"You really had no idea?"
"About what? That I wanted to do…this? That I was attracted to you?"
Beca's mouth popped open, doing a surprisingly perfect imitation of a goldfish.
Chloe smiled and shook her head. "I thought – I - I started seeing this therapist right after the wedding."
"Yeah, I remember."
"After you kissed me on my wedding night I kind of - freaked."
"Freaked?"
"I started reading into it, which is ironic considering how it turned out, I guess. But I'll never forget this thing she used to tell me."
"What?"
"She used to say 'feelings can lie to you, Chloe'. My - my relationships with women always looked a little different, more hugging, more touching; look at how Aubrey and I used to interact, especially in college. I just thought that I was, I don't know, passionate maybe? She used to insist that I was just having new bride jitters, that I would settle into my life and that the kiss from you was just something to focus on, like it was just some type of distraction or something. A place to put my nerves. So I just - I put it away." She let her face drop to Beca's chest again, breathing in the reassuring scent. "I was so unhappy that year. It was - it was terrible, Bec, and when I told her that she told me that the first year of marriage is always really hard."
"It kinda sounds like this chick shouldn't really have a license."
"Yeah. I guess. I don't think she ever really understood what I was trying to say." She heaved a sigh, thinking about those days, "I used to lie next to Nick at night before I realized I was gay and I would just watch him sleep. It always blew me away that first year how happy he was. I couldn't understand it. I used to watch him and I could see how happy he was even when he was sleeping and I - I was so lonely."
Beca's arms closed around her so she scooted a little higher, resting in her throat.
"I used to sit there and know that I should be happy, know that I should love him like he loved me, knowing that I did love him but somehow it wasn't right. I used to feel so alone and I didn't understand how he didn't see it, how he didn't see past the happy face I was putting on. Those moments of lying next to him like that were the loneliest of my life. And then after a while - he stopped looking happy in his sleep."
"I don't know how you survived that."
She wasn't sure either. She remembered lying there craving someone, anyone to make her feel real, alive, to make her feel - not alone. She remembered how it had felt existing in blackness. "Well. Those days are over now," she said, giving Beca a quick kiss under the jaw. She couldn't live there in those memories, not right now - not anymore.
"Mmmmm." Beca squeezed her a little tighter.
"Hey, Bec."
"Hmm?"
Biting her lip she looked up, "Can we make something to eat? I'm starving."
'****'
Jesus fucking Christ, now this was a sight worth waiting for. She kept nearly missing the stairs as she watched Chloe descend in front of her, her hair sex-wild and completely nude.
Chloe should always be naked – all the time naked Chloe!
Some people were just made to be naked and Chloe – yeah, she was one of them.
Jesus Christ. She stared, mouthwatering at the small dimple on one side of Chloe's lower back and stumbled again, catching herself on the railing before she went toppling over.
"You okay?" Chloe asked, throwing her an alluring smile over her shoulder.
"Do you really have to ask me that right now?"
It was impossible to watch her walk like that and not need to touch her. It had been impossible before but now...fuck, there were so many things she wanted to do to her. Right now. All of them right fucking now.
She needed to pinch herself because she wasn't sure this could really be happening.
"What are you staring at?" Chloe gave her a coy smile and Beca just groaned, her palms sweating. "What do you want to eat?"
Nope. Noooope, too easy. She squeezed her eyes closed and bit back the word that wanted so badly to fly from her mouth. Noooope, don't do it.
She couldn't fucking believe they were there right now.
She couldn't even process it.
She was surprised she wasn't walking into things and drooling because that's how she felt on the inside. She had touched her. Finally. She had watched her climax under her hand.
She just - oh god, deep breath.
She pulled a cigarette from the pack and lit it.
"Ew! Do you have to?"
"See this?" She held up the cigarette, "After you, after that - I need this."
"Do me a favor then, pretty please? Do that over there by the patio?"
Beca shrugged; better viewpoint from over there.
She could not fucking believe this.
What the hell had changed? She was almost afraid to ask. She had been able to see something different in Chloe's face the moment she grabbed her, something completely new. She had no idea - she had no idea what any of this meant - but she wasn't complaining.
She watched Chloe move around the kitchen, occasionally sending her a shy smile, the same kind that always made the hairs on Beca's arms stand up.
"What?" She finally asked after the third time.
Even from across the room Beca could see Chloe blush to match her hair, "You're naked."
Beca felt her own blush begin as she laughed, looking away to the ceiling while her face cooled, "Uh yeah."
Chloe sent her another mouthwatering shy smile, "I'm not used to knowing I like that yet."
She liked that? Had Chloe just said she liked that she was naked?
Jesus Christ, she was going to be the death of her, the awesome, sexy death of her.
Also. Since fucking when?
Fuck it. Didn't matter. Also. Nope. Cigarette not worth it.
She pitched it through the patio doors and started back to the kitchen, immediately pulling her into her arms, pulling a girlish yelp of surprise from Chloe.
"Oh god, you taste terrible!"
Beca groaned.
Fine!
Fuck - fine!
She was upstairs and back down in a minute, gargling the harshest mouthwash she had as she went and pinned her the moment she was back.
"Better?" She asked, letting her tongue trail along Chloe's bottom lip, her hands reaching behind her, pulling her tighter against her by the ass. Ooooooh my god, she was doing this. Her hands were totally on Chloe's butt…right now...and it was awesome.
Chloe let out a whimper, wrapping a leg around her in response, "So much better - aah."
"It's funny, I feel like I'm not supposed to do this. Like I'm not allowed." Beta froze, "I am allowed? Right? Like - right now - am - al," A small grunt toppled out of her when Chloe gave her a devilish grin and placed Beca's hand over her own naked breast, kneading both of their fingers. "Jesus - whew- fuck."
Beca loved the way her fingertips scratched her scalp as she dropped and began to nibble across the instantly sharp bud, cupping the other as she went. She had always thought Chloe would be like this; passionate, demanding, wildly sensual.
She forgot for a minute or two that they were in the kitchen for a reason, her mouth working her way down her body, twitching with anticipation as she fell to her knees, ready to touch her in a way she hadn't yet, ready to taste her. She heard a small, high "Oh fuck" from above her and chuckled, biting the small of her belly. She was about to move forward when she felt hands grasp two handfuls of her hair and Chloe let out a mournful groan, "Ugh, damn it, I really need to eat something. My – my stomach feels weird. Damn it!"
"Make a freaking sandwich or something!" Beca wailed against her stomach, already pouting.
Chloe laughed, pulling her to her feet and walking them backward until Beca was pressed against the far counter. With a sound kiss she held Beca's chin, "You. Stay here. I need something to eat as well."
The sound that came from Beca was loud and utterly unintelligible as she watched her wink and pull away. Beta twitched in place as she saw Chloe put away the things for a more substantial meal and instead pull out bread, a jar of peanut butter, of jelly and the pickles.
She watched Chloe make the sandwich and one to spare and then clean up.
Then she watched as with a wink over her shoulder she took a bite, wordlessly starting back up the stairs.
Beca's mouth just hung open, knowing that she - Chloe - fucking Chloe - was expecting her to follow.
She let out a giddy groan of pleasure, running her hands through her hair before taking the stairs three at a time at a run.
