Beca was a bundle of nerves the next morning. At first, Chloe thought it was due to her revelation the night before, especially after Beca had all but bitten her head off for 'doing yoga in the hot sun, that can't be good, right?'. But then, when Chloe had finally gathered her courage and made the call to schedule an appointment with an OB, she noticed the date. Beca's meeting with Kendra was the following morning.
Beca hadn't brought it up herself which meant that she was absolutely terrified.
"Hey, Beca," Chloe had to raise her voice to be heard from across the pool. She was sitting beside the minibar, sipping at a morning juice she had made, once again 'in the hot sun' which Beca still didn't seem to like.
Nick had been like that too her first pregnancy, treating her like a delicate flower, but by the third he was an old hand at this. She had to wonder, if she was in L.A. for the whole pregnancy would Beca eventually loosen up too? Could she be in L.A. for the whole pregnancy? How?
"Bec!" She called again.
Beca had thoroughly and completely refused to even consider giving up cigarettes at this point in her life, even when Chloe had insisted it was her health she was concerned for. She was also refusing to allow Chloe within twenty feet of her when she had a cigarette lit which meant that Beca had spent the majority of the morning sitting in a lounge chair at the far end of the pool pretending not to be upset - by herself.
"Did you call me?" Beca yelled back.
"Is there any chance that you've been chain smoking all morning because tomorrow is your meeting?"
"...No."
"Are you sure?"
"...No."
"Bec - I appreciate that you're worried about this baby but can you please just put the cigarette out so we can have a conversation before you have to go to work?"
"...What?"
"Can you - ugh." She pulled herself up and started over.
"Dude! Smoking! Stop!"
But the cigarette was out long before she even approached, Beca frantically waving at the air to clear the residue.
Chloe sat at the end of the chair, tucking her legs beneath her. "Tomorrow."
"Oh god, don't talk about it." Beca's face went green and for a moment, Chloe was honestly alarmed that perhaps Beca was about to be sick on her.
"Whoa, Beca, only one of us is allowed to be sick at this time of the day!" As she had hoped, that seemed to knock Beca away from the verge.
"Wait, have you been getting sick every morning and I just haven't noticed? Is my head really that far up my own ass?"
"No." She gave her the best smile she could muster, "I was just teasing."
Actually, it was the thing that made her sure that Nick had been wrong. She had been sleepy, she had been a little hungry and somewhat sore but all of those things could be attributed to yoga and the running in a new climate. She hadn't been sick and every other pregnancy she had been absolutely miserable within a few weeks. As a matter of fact, it wasn't just that she thought Nick was wrong – she kind of thought that there was nothing growing inside of her at all. "Are you nervous?"
"Ummm," Beca let out a long breath, "nooo...it's just like, a really big freaking deal. And I listened to the track and I have ideas and everything but she totally might not like them and then I have no idea what I'll do and tonight I probably have to go out because I also have to finish EZ's track and he will want to go and celebrate and I so don't want to go and sit there and drink with him when I could be here working on her track some more or relaxing so my head doesn't explode but -"
"Baby." Honey, sweetie, babe; those had always been the kind of pet names Chloe had used in past relationships. She had never really been a 'baby' kind of girl but Beca had reacted so strongly to it the night before that she gave it another try. Sure enough, Beca's cheeks went pink, she let out a small giddy laugh and stopped rambling. "You know what?"
"What?"
Chloe pretended to think for a minute, her hands running up and down Beca's thighs, "You haven't taken me out anywhere since I arrived. We haven't even gone out to eat."
"Uhhh - what?" Beca's was voice a dry, deadpan.
"I'm just saying, it hasn't happened. Maybe tonight when you are done with work we can put on something," she bit her lip playfully, "sexy and go out."
"Chloe-"
"That way you can't go out with EZ - because you have a hot date."
Beca's smile grew as she understood Chloe's meaning.
"And then we can come home early and you can tell me what you were thinking for Kendra's track."
She wasn't sure she completely knew what the look on Beca's face was but she definitely liked it, "You're kinda great, you know that, right?"
"Uh, yeah!" She took a deep breath, "Look, you can't worry too much about what's going to happen with Kendra. She came to you. She already likes your work. Just be prepared and be awesome like you always are."
"You make that sound so simple."
"It is. Just be yourself. You'll be prepared. You'll be at the top of your game because you are you."
Beca rolled her eyes but her smile was coming easier now.
"So, what do you think about that date?"
"Is it like a real date? Like a date-date?"
Chloe was surprised to feel butterflies blossom, "Do you want it to be?"
"Um, only since freshman year."
Chloe stood and winked, "Okay."
"Okay?" Beca called after her as Chloe started inside. "What does okay mean? Chlo?...Chloe?"
Beca was ready for work an hour later, looking a bit nervous again. "What are you gonna do today?" She asked, throwing her phone and wallet into her back pockets.
"Nick is going home today so I'm going to see him and say goodbye."
Beca paused, her hand raised halfway to put a cigarette for the road between her lips, "He is? So, uh, you're staying then? Or I mean, you're uh, not going with him? Even with the baby?"
"Is that okay with you? It's not forever, but I think that L.A. is where I want to resettle." She had been thinking about it all morning. She wouldn't have anything if she didn't go back to Henderson but - there was no rush, right? She could easily wait a little while, see if she could find a life of her own and if she couldn't... "If I resettle anywhere, I mean." She sent Beca a quick side glance, trying to read if she was really okay with this. "I mean, you and Emily are here. I don't have two people anywhere else in the world unless you consider my parents."
"Yeah, let's not consider them, though. Um, yeah, Chlo, you're welcome here as long as you want. You know that. And I'm not going to complain about you sticking around my town." She beamed her best Beca-grin and Chloe couldn't help but to meet it with one of her own.
"Thanks."
"Okay, so I'm gonna head out. I'll see you tonight."
"Oka-" but her words were cut off by a quick peck from Beca as she shuffled through her pockets looking for something. "Oh!"
"See you."
She watched Beca stumble out the front door, swearing as she nearly tripped over nothing and was gone. She had to wonder, had Beca realized the significance to how casual that kiss had been?
Here was the thing...Beca...she was crazy about her; she always had been long before their so recent first kiss. She had been crazy about her since she stepped into her shower…like crazy-crazy about her. But...this was complicated. Staying in L.A. didn't mean running into a relationship with her - or anyone - it didn't mean – she couldn't - well, there was no point in thinking about that yet, not so quickly.
Nick came over a few hours later looking just as nervous as Beca had been that morning.
"What's wrong?"
"I just don't like leaving you here, that's all."
"I'm going to be fine, Nick."
"What are you going to do? Are you sure you don't want to come home?"
"I'm going to - I don't know - search for my life, I guess. It's kind of exciting." She gave him a hopeful little grin.
He stared at her for a while, eyes wide. "Motherfucker, you're actually fucking leaving me."
"Nick! Whoa, wait! What?"
"No, I don't mean like that. It's just crazy to think that it's really happening. It's over."
"Awe." She gave him a small frown, resting her hands on his chest as she had done a million or more times over the past years, "Don't think of it that way. Think of it as the beginning of something for you and Jenny."
His hands, just like they always had, fell to hers, holding them lightly, "And you're really okay with this?"
She thought for a moment, her bottom lip protruding, "Yeah." She finally answered, "I think I have to be. It's not right for us to stay together, Nick."
"I know."
"I mean – it's weird."
He laughed, loud and hard, "Yeah, it is. Look at that," he spoked her in the throat, "is that a hickey?"
"What?" She touched her neck, knowing full well it was.
He just shook his head, looking down at her fondly, "Plus, it's not like you're going to be totally gone from my life, right? We're going to be friends."
She gave a small little nod and stuck out her hand for him to shake, "Friends."
"That really is a big hickey though."
She rolled her eyes and gave him a shove.
He let himself be pushed, cackling before he pulled her back to him, "Will you have dinner with us or something when you come back? You're coming back eventually, right?"
She wasn't sure exactly but she thought that she maybe didn't - "I don't know, Nick. Maybe to pack my things but-"
He frowned, "Wait, what do you mean?"
"What?"
"You're coming back to Henderson for the baby, right? Like, you're coming home once it's born."
"Hmm, I don't know, I haven't made any solid plans yet, Nick, but-"
"Chloe, that's my baby too. I want to be around."
She felt herself instantly growing flustered as the tone that had always been the precourser to a fight whipped out of him, "Nick, we've been talking about divorce! What did you mean by 'leaving' if you didn't mean leaving?"
"I don't know! I thought you would stay down here for a few months and then you would get an apartment in Henderson or something. Divorce doesn't mean I don't get to know my kid! Right? Is that what we're talking about here? I'm not cool with that!"
For just a second she looked into his face and felt a wave of pure panic. Was she going to have to go back to Henderson? Would she have a choice? "Nick."
"No, Chloe, you don't get to just make that choice. Is Beca going to be the daddy now? Is that what you're telling me?"
"What?" Her hands angrily smacked his chest before she shoved him away, peeved, "No! Nick! It's been like two days!" She took a deep breath, "We don't even know if I'm going to carry full term. The odds are I won't. So let's not fight about this right now, okay?" In truth, she didn't know. She was only just forming vague ideas of what she wanted her future to look like. She just - she needed some time. To a serial avoider, this was...not easy.
"That's fine but I'll tell you now, Chlo, if you try to cut me out-"
"Nick!"
"Okay. I'm sorry. That was really inappropriate of me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that about Beca. You're right." He gave her a quick one-armed hug, "Listen, I don't want you to worry about anything right now, okay?"
"What?"
"I know everything of ours is still connected but I'm just saying, Chlo, don't worry about it, okay? Take what you need."
She pulled back a little affronted. Was he talking about money? "I-"
"Come on, Chlo, everything is still half yours. You still taught lessons, you still cooked two meals for me a day at least, kept the house clean, dealt with my mom and everything else. Our pre-nup says you would get alimony if we got divorced, like really good alimony – especially if we split amicably. Just think of it as that. Come on!" He cried when he saw the fire in her eyes, "I'm trying to do the right thing here!"
Chloe frowned.
"I'm just saying, don't start relying on Beca for everything yet. I saw you guys last night and I'm happy you talked, as weird as it was to see, I just - don't start relying on her for everything. She's still kind of young, Chlo."
Chloe pulled away; yes Beca was younger than her and while it was kind of a lot, their age differences have never bothered her. Nothing about Beca felt younger than she was – except for perhaps the partying and that was a new development. Any reservations Chloe had ever had about Beca – as a younger woman – had been quickly doused when the eighteen year old had swooped into Barden and taken over the Bellas with a precision that bordered on perfect.
Still, did no one think she was capable of caring for herself? She'd had her own apartment, her own car, her own job before she moved in with Nick. "I wasn't going to."
"Don't be mad!" He gave her that huge boyish grin again, "That's something you lesbians do, right? What's it called? The whole turkey baster on the second date thing?"
Chloe let out a dry chuckle, "I guess she got extra lucky since I came pre-pregnant."
He let out his booming laugh, "No seriously, what's it called?"
"U-hauling." She admitted through a chagrinned rumble and then shook her head as he laughed until tears ran down his face.
He tossed his arm around her and with a sigh walked her with him to the front door. "I'm worried."
"You don't need to be."
"Did you schedule an appointment?"
"Yes, I did."
"Send me a picture. And tell me if I'm right."
"Okay, Nick."
He spent a second looking down at her shaking his head, "God, my life has gotten weird."
"I know. Me too." That was an understatement.
He wrapped her in a tight hug, "Be safe."
"I will."
She was mildly surprised when he leaned in and gave her a long, chaste kiss. It was nice, a sweet way to begin an ending.
When he was gone she was surprised to find she felt...free, like she had been liberated.
She went to the stereo, grabbed the first CD that said Beca's mix on it, turned it up full blast and then danced and danced and danced.
She had come to realize that even though she did send Beca text messages when she was at work, she rarely heard back. Beca promised, in one of her few responses, that she shouldn't worry, but the thing was, she was beginning to worry.
She had spent the afternoon on her computer, debating her options. Nick was right that he deserved to know the baby - if it was to be born - but there was such a high chance that it wouldn't be. She couldn't help but to think of what her life could be if it was she alone who made the decision, not Nick, not Marcy or her parents.
She hadn't opened craigslist or any other apartment finding site, a little afraid because she couldn't find her paper bag, something that bothered her to no end. Before coming back to L.A. she hadn't used a paper bag in over a year, she had mastered that response. Yes, she understood things had reached a different level of stress but it bothered her to feel that need again, that dependency. She hadn't let herself dwell on it though and had instead spent a while looking for available teaching positions. Officially she was a teacher. Officially she was credentialed for English and all non-instrumental music classes. She had taken her classes, she had finished her student teaching hours; the problem was that the certificate was only valid in Georgia. Luckily it looked like California was so starved for elementary teachers that they were going to make it very easy for her to transfer her credentials over. Well, perhaps easy was the wrong word, but it was possible. Teaching could be fun. She had enjoyed her student teaching and had always regretted that she had never taught officially. When she was working at the YMCA she hadn't needed her credentials. She loved what she was doing before but her credentials opened up a whole new world of job possibilities. Music programs were her heart, they were her life - but they were also always cut. She was glad that she had listened to Beca and found the time to get certified in both.
And yes, it would be difficult. She wasn't entirely sure how to begin a new career and have a new baby without support but she would manage, she always had.
For a moment she even considered going back to school. She could probably do both...all of it...maybe...and with the extra hours she had put in, she wasn't far from a grad degree. It wouldn't take her long. Then again...maybe she was biting off more than she could chew with that thought. Maybe one day. It wasn't needed right now and plus, she reminded herself, if she needed more work there was always dancing exotically. There had to be a call for that type of thing, right? She shuddered at her own joke, trying not to picture what that job would look like for her in six months if this pregnancy held.
But she had put the computer away hours ago.
She had taken herself upstairs for a shower. She straightened her hair, done her makeup and had thrown on her best skirt and heels.
Only Beca wasn't home.
It wasn't so late, honestly, not late enough she should be concerned but she had a very strange feeling in the pit of her stomach when the clock rolled around to nine and her phone remained silent.
She supposed she didn't know Beca's routine perfectly, but in the weeks she had been there Beca was usually home by now, right? Unless she was going to The Royal, that was.
She grabbed her phone and pressed the call button beside Beca's name, not really surprised when the phone clicked over to voicemail.
She sighed; it was silly to be too worried. Beca was fine, she was working. Yes, she was a little disappointed, if Beca wanted time to work on the tracks then they probably wouldn't be able to spend much time together but that was okay, of course it was.
Then again, what if Beca wasn't at work?
What if she was at the club with EZ? She had seemed pretty excited about the possibility of a date earlier in the day but she had also said that EZ would want to celebrate and she knew that EZ was considering moving over to P.J.
She frowned. She didn't like the way that EZ boxed Beca into a corner, 'come out and play with me or I'll find a new friend'. In the morning Beca was going to regret not having had this extra time to prepare, she had only gotten the phone calls few days ago; she hadn't been given a lot of time.
Oh god, in the morning.
Her meeting with Kendra.
Would Kendra still be interested in her if she arrived smelling like the club and in her sunglasses? Kendra was looking for someone who was safe for her sobriety, right? She was looking for someone who was more concerned with making music than with partying, right?
She felt her lips purse together. Well, it was Beca's choice. Hopefully, she would make a good one and come home sooner rather than later.
Chloe did well letting it go for about an hour before it started to creep back into her mind. She had settled in front of the television, putting on a silly movie that she didn't have to pay full attention to and while it had initially given her a few laughs, her mind was drifting back into stressful waters.
Hadn't Beca wanted to go out with her tonight? Was she just being a little overly sensitive? Probably, she was known to do that. But…she felt a little…stood up.
By eleven, she had to accept that Beca was at The Royal and she wasn't coming hoem for their date or the tracks.
And Chloe was kind of mad.
Okay, she was really mad.
It wasn't fair or her right, she shouldn't be angry.
She should go upstairs, take a relaxing bath, take off her pantyhose, wash out her straightened hair, take off her makeup and put herself to bed; she knew she should but instead she was standing in the front hallway staring down at her heels and arguing with herself.
She shouldn't do it.
She shouldn't.
She should go upstairs.
But she still stood staring at them, glaring at them.
Every now and then she could feel her very Chloe-like tendency to do before she thought her actions through and she was feeling it now. Usually those moments didn't work out well for her – then again – her last one had gotten her into bed with Beca and so far that had been great!
Damn it!
She turned, going to the bathroom to check her face. She had no right. Beca was not her...woman...not really, not officially. She had no right to go and take her back, especially if she was working.
Only that was all that Chloe could think about doing.
She wasn't possessive.
Well.
Okay, maybe she could be but - she was just fed up! She was fed up hearing about how Beca wanted things to change, she was fed up worrying about her and she was fed up wondering if somewhere at The Royal Hunny was perhaps sweet talking her way into the pants of the woman who was not her woman.
Her feet were in her heels before she had agreed to this course of action.
Maybe this was a bad idea but it was worth a try.
Parking was impossible all around The Royal. It seemed they had the main street in front of it blocked off, so she couldn't get to the parking lot. That was fine, if not a little annoying. Street parking in this neighborhood was not the easiest to handle.
Everywhere she looked were people dressed in their best, heading to places a lot like where she was going.
Finally she found a spot a few blocks away and took a deep breath. The city around her was pumping; people screaming, laughing, dancing. The mood was infectious.
Before moving out here with Beca she never would have known that some of L.A., at certain times of the night, really did look like the movies. There were always groups of gorgeous young adults laughing, drinking, all dressed in their fashion finest and clicking around on the tiniest of heels.
Chloe loved heels, she wore them about half the time but she had no idea how those women stayed up while walking on things as thin as toothpicks.
She pulled herself from the car and breathed in the late summer air. It was kind of nice out here. It reminded her of nights when she and Beca would hit the town, drinking, dancing, ending up at some diner at the wee hours of the morning. That life felt like so long ago now. Maybe instead of stealing Beca away she would...steal her away for a fun night of dancing before heading home and to bed safe and sound.
Hmmm, a little dancing with Beca sounded great. And hot. No, she couldn't really drink with Beca but she didn't need it to show her a good time. She could be arm candy for a little while. The thought sent goosebumps up Chloe's spine, being Beca's arm candy? There was something about that she liked.
She crossed the street quickly against the light, fluffing her hair a bit; a little nervous. She hadn't dressed up for Beca before - then again - maybe that wasn't completely true.
"Twenty."
"What?" She jumped as she tried to pass the bouncer without thinking and his arm shot out, a thick muscle filled wall.
"Twenty buck cover."
"Oh!" She supposed that every other time she had come here she had been with Beca. She paid and entered, feeling the music pounding through her like a drum.
This wasn't so bad. She could understand the draw of the place. Fears and worries didn't exist here, did they? They couldn't survive the pounding beat.
Yes. She was going to find Beca and she was going to rock her socks off. She gave the air a little nod and turned toward the bar.
"Tony!" She cried over the music, signaling for the bartender at the end.
"Do I know you, peach?"
"I'm looking for Beca!"
"Who?"
"Um, House Bex?"
"Oh, Bex? I haven't seen her in like an hour. I think she took Hunny home or sumthin'."
Hunny?
Okay, she was supposed to imagine all kinds of things when Beca didn't pick up her phone for like twelve hours straight but they weren't supposed to actually happen!
She checked her phone again and it was still blank. She frowned, feeling a snake of jealousy slither through her chest. She had no reason to be upset, even if she found Beca and Hunny in one of the bathroom stalls having sex...Beca was not her girlfriend, she couldn't be. Chloe was a thirty year old, unemployed, somewhat homeless, about to be divorced, pregnant lady. Beca didn't need to take all of that on. She couldn't let her take that on. And they had only been sleeping together for a very short time…then again; Chloe had always felt a little possessive of Beca, hadn't she? Beca had always been hers, whether best friend or otherwise.
No need to be jealous. It was silly. She wouldn't let herself be! She scoffed to herself and turned, deciding she would look around.
She didn't bother scanning the first floor, from what she had gathered Beca spent very little time on it. So she took the stairs heading to the third floor, her thoughts fluttering around the idea of stealing Beca away. She frowned as she reached the top, unless Beca had sought Hunny out. Chloe knew she was…new…at this, at being with women…had Beca…maybe…maybe she had…she chewed her lip, her insides warring. She thought of Beca sprawled across the couch, her body taut as Chloe touched her, her face tight, her teeth biting her bottom lip – was that how she looked with Hunny? Chloe had always been able to tell the difference between when she was just – doing her job – with Nick and when she was doing her job – well. It was strange because their friendship, the length of their friendship usually gave Chloe a leg up when it came to all things Beca and while she had already known that Beca had a thing for having her neck kissed…she had learned that during a playful wrestling match years ago…but that was all. Their years of friendship didn't really help her in this way.
Maybe Hunny was just…better.
She turned and scanned the crowd, noticing a few men who were eyeing her openly. She frowned, clearing her throat.
It felt like it had been so long since she was last there but she supposed that wasn't really true, was it? As much as if felt like it, years hadn't actually passed since she walked in here with the Bellas that June.
Oh, the Bellas! Would she see them more if she lived in L.A.? People liked to travel to L.A., right? Then again, she had lived just outside of Las Vegas before and the only one she had seen was Aubrey.
Oh god, Aubrey. She needed to call her. Badly. They hadn't left things well, she needed to call and explain. She huffed. A lot, things had been – a lot recently.
She went to the third floor bar and asked the bartender about Beca as well but he just shook his head and told her that that EZTeez was in the party room.
"Can I just go in there?"
"If you know House then you can." He said with a shrug, already moving past her to a customer.
She debated for a minute, she didn't want to interrupt Beca's work, that wasn't why she was there. Perhaps she could just slip inside and if it looked like Beca was working then she would wait out here at the bar until she was free. Or, you know, arm candy. Maybe she could help, she was here to entertain, right? EZ had seemed to like her when they had met before.
The party room was crowded and still the moment that she entered she heard, "Strawberry!"
She frowned, confused. Was that supposed to be her? People always came up with such inventive nicknames for her and always revolving around her hair.
"You're that friend of Bex's, right? The one in that picture. We met a ways back."
"Um, picture?" She blinked, a bit uncomfortable when EZ threw his arm around her shoulder as though they were old friends.
"Yeah, lil mama's got a picture of you in her desk, though she don't want no one to know it."
"Really?" She was intrigued, had she always had a picture of her in her desk?
"Oh yeah."
She would file that one away for later. "Um, speaking of Beca - Bex - um, House, I guess, have you seen her?"
He glanced around the room, "No, not for a quick minute. Yo, Clay, you seen Bex n' Hunny?"
Hunny.
Damn it!
"You know, mama's got a type."
"What? She told you about us?" Her head had whipped around fast, not sure if she was proud or surprised.
He threw back his head and started to laugh, "Man, no wonder Hunny's been all PMS-crazy. You're the girl who bitch slapped her ass, aren't you? I was just messin' with you, girl, but I guess I know now!"
Not sure of what else to say Chloe cleared her throat, "So, um, you haven't seen Beca then?"
"Yo EZ, we gotta scram." Someone suddenly appeared at EZ's elbow all but grabbing him away, "Po-Po's downstairs and you ain't supposed to be in no bars, man."
The police? What now? How did they all exist like this? Was the bar in trouble? Why were the police here?
"Alright, alright. Sorry, Berry-Girl, until next time. Maybe you, me and mama can have a few drinks one night." He tossed her a wink as he followed the man out the door.
Chloe cleared her throat, straightening her blouse; she didn't like that guy.
Well, it didn't seem like Beca was here. It seemed like Beca had gone home - just - possibly not to her home.
She sighed, taking a minute to glance around again.
She should go. It was silly to be here. Her mood was dropping and honestly, she didn't belong here. She knew that.
Still she scanned the second floor again, really not wanting to give into the idea that Beca had gone home with Hunny. It was dumb. She and Hunny had been having sex since long before Chloe had arrived. Why did it feel like such a nasty surprise to think that Beca was currently - busy - with her?
Why did she care so much?
Maybe she was wrong? Maybe Beca was at home. Maybe she should text her.
No, don't text her. She sighed, shaking her head at herself. Was it hurtful that they had made plans and Beca had blown them off? Yes. But the odds were she was living her old routine right now, right? Chloe wasn't a part of that. Hunny was.
She just wished she could know she was alright after this many hours of silence.
She made it down the stairs, her thoughts swimming and was just heading to the door when a flashing red light caught her eye in the back of the room. She looked up fast, pausing. Everyone knew that light and sure enough, she could see a bunch of people grouping together, whispering and talking.
An ambulance meant that there was something wrong.
The loading dock doors were propped open and that there were a number of police officers already trying to clear the crowd from the area shouting, "We don't want to close the place down so please step back, thank you, please step back."
What had happened?
She wasn't all that concerned, things happened at clubs all of the time. Still, she found her feet moving toward the crowd.
There was a wail from outside as whoever was in the ambulance was whisked away toward the hospital at full speed.
Her concern grew; whatever had happened it was serious.
"Excuse me." She touched the arm of the man at the back of the mob, "Do you know what happened?"
"Some girl, I don't know. She looked pretty out of it. Alcohol poisoning or something."
She thanked the stranger and pushed forward, her stomach boiling.
It couldn't be Beca. It couldn't be. There was no way. Beca wasn't here, she was off with Hunny or maybe even sitting on the couch at the condo wondering where the hell she had gone.
It couldn't be Beca.
It couldn't. It was just her irrational fears, her slight trauma leftover from sleeping beside Beca's unconscious body.
"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to step back."
"Oh!" She jumped, not having realized she had broken through the crowd. "Um, I'm sorry, but do you know who just left? Was she okay?"
"Looked like some kind of overdose, ma'am, no need to worry. Step back."
"Yes, do you know what she looked like? My friend, I-"
The officer wasn't listening, he had been distracted by another officer coming up and whispering something in his ear. She wasn't sure what was said but her stomach dropped. The officer in front of her gave a small huff and shook his head sadly, "Okay everyone, listen up. The club is now closed. I need you all to move to the front exits and make your way elsewhere. I repeat, the club is now close!"
"Closed? What? I don't-" What could close a club this early? Oh god, it was bad, whatever it was, it was bad. She wasn't sure what could do it, but she had a feeling it would be serious. She had to find Beca. That couldn't have been Beca, right? She pulled out her phone, ready to interrupt whatever Beca was doing, just to be sure she wasn't the one in the back of that ambulance.
It was silly; there was no reason for her fingers to shake as they were. She had absolutely no reason to think it was Beca – except for the memory of Beca's unconscious face. Her bruises had only just faded to the point of being mostly unnoticeable, but Chloe still thought of that moment, the moment she sat down beside her bed whenever her mind went quiet.
Chloe had to plug her ears against the yelling officer as she listened, fear rising, to the phone ring and ring.
Beca didn't pick up. Okay, that didn't have to mean anything.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry but you have to go."
She nodded once, her hands fluttering around her throat. Why was she so nervous? She had no reason to be.
She called again; something was just not sitting right in her stomach.
And then she heard her.
Oh, thank god, she heard her. She hadn't realized the strangle hold she had on her nerves until the cool relief flooded through her, making her gasp.
"I DON'T KNOW, DUDE, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!"
"Beca?" She had called her name before she had even laid eyes on her, a reflex. She spun in a circle, feeling the officer trying to get her to move away but she couldn't find her, where was she? She could hear her yelling. Fear gripped a clammy hand around her heart when she realized she could hear panic, desperate, terrified panic in Beca's voice - but she couldn't find her, "Beca!"
Why was she so upset? That wasn't like Beca, not in public. She got angry, she yelled, she said witty remarks that could tear a person down, but she never gave in to blind upset. Had she been hurt? Maybe she had been wrong and the ambulance had been arriving, not leaving. Maybe there was more than one. Where was she?
Her alarm grew with every shrill word she heard, setting off a tiger like instinct to find her to protect her, where the fuck was she?
Then one of the officers shifted to the right and she saw her, sitting in a tiny ball on one of the chairs, her legs curled up to her chest. Her face was white as paper and even from there Chloe could see that she was dirty, covered in something. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her knees and though she was yelling at the men around her, she was rocking ever so slightly, her eyes blank, dead.
Chloe lost her breath. It simply disappeared from her when she saw Beca's white face, making her stumble. "Beca!" She tried to move around the officer, "I'm sorry that's my -"
"Ma'am! Please,"
"No, you don't understand," she pushed against his restraining arms, "see her, I know her. She is who I was looking for. BECA!"
This was not happening, she was not going to be held ten feet away, this was not happening! Hell no!
She saw Beca's head snap up at her last call, her blank eyes reeling around the crowd of onlookers in disbelief.
"Beca!" She pushed harder against the officer.
"Chloe?"
"Her! See! I know her! Let me go, please."
Understanding, the officer stepped to the side and Chloe jumped passed.
Beca was up and out of her seat in a second, her face crumpling like a severed marionette, "Chloe."
She hit her hard, nearly knocking her over as she crawled into her embrace, her face immediately hiding in her throat, her arms a death grip. The intensity of her only scared Chloe more.
"Oh my god, Beca, what happened? What happened?" She held her tightly, thankful that she was okay and she was there and not in the ambulance. Protectively, she turned them slightly as though somehow turning her away from the waiting police would shield her from whatever was wrong.
She had heard Beca freak out, she had heard Beca panic, but she had never heard this before, this hacking, body wracking, dry hyperventilating howl.
It terrified her.
"Miss, I'm sorry, but we still have a few questions."
"Give her a minute!"
The officer cleared his throat and nodded.
"Beca, what happened?" She had to work to pull Beca's head from her neck and when she did Beca just clung to the hands at either side of her face, shaking violently, her eyes blinking at a rate that didn't bode well for her mental state. She was shaking like a ragdoll. Chloe studied her face, surprised when she saw it was dry, and spent a second looking for any sign of injury; sending out a silent prayer of thanks to the universe when she saw none. "What happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
"Hunny ODed."
"What?" She blinked, she hadn't even thought of Hunny's absence. "Oh god. How? Where? Oh no."
"Here. In the bathroom. I just found her like a half an hour ago." Beca tried for her usual I-swear-I-don't-care shrug but it came off like a sharp tick, one shoulder jerekd up a few times as she winced.
She realized now what Beca was covered in. Oh god. It took a second for her to swallow her stomach back down, appalled and disgusted. Oh Hunny, what are you doing, sweetie, what are you doing?
"I was at the studio late with P.J. and then I came with EZ to have a drink, I swear I was on my way home, Chlo but I had seen her earlier and she hadn't sound right so I went looking for her. She was in the bathroom with this guy," but here Beca stopped, her face twisting again.
"Okay, okay, come here," She cooed, pulling Beca back to her, holding her securely.
"Miss, if you would just tell us what happened you could go."
Beca spun, her hand closing so tightly on Chloe's arm that she whimpered. "I AM TELLING YOU! I FUCKING SAW HER, SHE FUCKING SOUNDED FUCKING WEIRD, SO WHEN I DIDN'T FUCKING SEE HER AGAIN BEFORE I WAS FUCKING LEAVING I LOOKED FOR HER! SHE WASN'T ON THE FUCKING DANCE FLOOR SO I WENT TO THE BATHROOM WHERE SHE FUCKING IS HALF THE FUCKING TIME WITH SOME HOOK UP! HE WAS DEAD. SHE WAS DYING! OKAY? THAT'S ALL THERE FUCKING IS TO THE FUCKING STORY, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING SAY?"
He was dead? "Beca…" She softly closed her hand over Beca's white knuckled one. Someone had died?
"Do you know where the substance came from, ma'am?"
"What? NO! HOW ARE YOU NOT HEARING ME? I GOT THERE AFTER THAT! I GAVE YOU WHAT HUNNY HAD ON HER! THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TO THE STORY!"
"I'm sorry, I know this is difficult but -"
Beca let out a strange noise and her head just fell back to Chloe's shoulder, shaking all the harder.
"Can't we do this later? Or another time? Isn't there anyway?" Chloe held her tight, trying to slow the trembling.
"Are you going to the hospital?"
Beca nodded into her neck.
"Yes, we will," she answered for her.
"Alright then, we'll send somebody by to get the last few details in an hour."
"Thank you, officer."
It was clear Beca felt better when the police were no longer hovering so she pulled her into a dark corner, further away from the murmuring people. "Sweetie, hey, what do we need to do? Can we go to the hospital? Do you need to stay?" God, how could she help?
It took Beca a few long minutes to think, "We need to call Emily. And I should call Hunny's agent. And EZ, I need to let him know. He's - he's upstairs. He's not allowed to be in bars."
"Okay. Well. EZ left. I saw him. Why don't you go and smoke and I will call Emily, okay?"
"Yeah." Beca blinked a bit too slowly, "Okay."
Chloe watched Beca robotically turn and shuffle toward the loading dock doors, shoving hard when one of the police officers tried to both her path. Chloe winced. She wasn't sure, was Beca high as well or - was she just traumatized?
She had to go out front and a ways down the street in order to make the call, the buzz in the bar seemed to be at an unnatural high as the police pushed people out.
"Emily? I'm sorry, I know it's late. Hunny overdosed. I think you should meet us at the hospital." She hadn't been sure how to say it so simply saying it had seemed like the best idea.
"She did? On what?"
"I'm not sure." She had another unsettling moment then as she realized that Emily - didn't sound all that surprised.
"Okay. I'll meet you."
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks." She took a deep breath but she found that she couldn't hang up the phone. So instead she just sat, silent. Beca and Hunny – they must have been so scared. They must be so scared. She took a deep breath, feeling her eyes prickle and a tear drop from one. She had no idea if they were okay; she had never been here before.
"Second time in a few weeks," Emily said, her voice heavy.
"Yeah," she let out a wet little laugh and sniffed.
This was the second time in a few weeks.
How often did Beca had to go into the hospital? How often did something like this happen?
Then she remembered Beca's shaking body; no, this was new for her too.
A few more tears for her friend fell.
She and Emily sat in a weighted silence together for a few more moments.
"Do you think she's going to be okay?"
Chloe thought of Beca's words, 'she was dying' and though she opened her mouth she couldn't say it, "I don't know, Emily, I didn't find Beca until after Hunny was already gone. She didn't call me, I just happened to be here looking for her." She opened her mouth to tell her that she wasn't sure that Beca was okay – let alone Hunny, and stopped. Emily didn't need to hear that. "I think we just need to stay positive and hope that she will be okay."
She thought she heard a sniff on the other end of the line. She couldn't be sure but she answered with one of her own.
"Yeah, you're right. Okay, I'm on my way."
"Okay, sweetie."
She hit the end call and turned back to the bar but suddenly, the street swam and she leaned heavily against the building, pressing her back against its unyielding stone. She let out a strangled hiccup of a sob. She could feel her stomach boiling, and she covered her mouth, terrified for just a moment that she was going to be sick, the scent of the bar on her, the smell of the alley beside her somehow all too much.
Oh god.
Her stomach cramped and turned to lead, heavy and hard.
She was whistling. And her discovery of this fact only made her whistle louder, her chest tightening to a pinhole.
Chloe wasn't good in a crisis. She never had been. It was always too difficult, she could feel the person's pain too much, feel their terror.
She glanced back at the club and gasped out a wet sob, taking in the drunken patrons, the flashing lights.
She was out of her league. She ran her hands through her hair, pressing lightly, trying not to twitch as she tried to take a deep breath.
Beca had just watched someone die.
How could she help her?
She couldn't help her.
She had no idea how.
Kind words and hugs, that was what she was good at, but this was too much. She believed that everything could be solved with a good enough hug, but that was nothing right now, that wasn't helpful at all.
Her vision began to swim as she scrambled for a deep breath.
Aubrey. That was who Beca needed.
But then she pictured Beca in Aubrey's arms, safe and secure and –
No.
Absolutely not.
Oh my god, she was so full of shit.
She wasn't out of her league, she was, she was just scared. She was so scared. She was just giving into the fear.
And right now she didn't get to be scared. Not when Beca was so afraid.
She took a long shuddering breath and the smell of the bar filled her nose.
Her stomach rolled.
No. No, no, no, no!
Her fingers dug into the stone of the building and she closed her eyes, forcing an unsteady deep breath.
And when it came she was better. At least a little bit.
She gasped, standing straight, shaking out her head and dabbing under her eyes.
Beca needed her and that was so much more important than this.
It took her another moment or two in order to stop the flow of tears altogether and another not to wobble in her heels but then she marched, her stride sure.
The thing was, she wasn't good in a crisis but – she was good at Beca.
She didn't bother to go back into the club, there was no point, instead she started around to the side.
She was still scared.
She was so scared - for Beca - for Hunny - for Emily. They all seemed to have one foot in the grave and Chloe...she didn't know how to handle that, she didn't know how to help them plant their feet so they didn't topple.
Even Hunny.
It was true they were never going to be friends, not really, but she was terrified for her. What had she been using? What must it have been like for her? She must have been so scared. Had she been aware of the man beside her slipping away? Had she been aware she was slipping away?
Beca had seen that.
Oh god, she had no idea what to do.
"Bec?"
Beca had settled on the alley ground with her legs pulled tight, her face hidden behind her knees. She looked up at the sound of her name. Beca looked up at her as though she could barely see her through the haze in her head, as though she had gone numb inside. She could feel Beca trying, gathering her own strength, putting up a wall between herself and all of this – between them. She could feel Beca's strength and she wished she could wipe it away. Sometimes being strong was the wrong thing to do.
"You're going to get dirty down there."
Beca gave her a one-shouldered shrug, "I'm already dirty."
Chloe knew she was too - when Beca had hugged her - but this wasn't really the time to worry about that, was it? "Who?"
"Hunny. When I was trying to sit her up. I think I kneeled in Jeremy's."
Chloe felt another pang as she realized, "You knew him?"
"Yeah."
"Oh sweetie."
They watched one another for a moment, processing. Chloe took a deep breath and when she held her hand out for her it did not shake, it was steady and true. She pulled Beca up and softly touched her cheek, the circles under her eyes. Beca's hands closed on her arms, she was shaking again so she just caressed the side of her face, holding her there, letting her know she could take a minute. Let me take care of you.
Beca's eyes closed and she took a deep, halting breath.
When they opened again Chloe spoke to her in a whisper, "Let's go meet Emily. We'll get you cleaned up soon, okay?"
"Okay."
Beca was silent on the drive, staring blankly out the window and toying with a cigarette that Chloe knew she was anxious to smoke.
She wanted to say something to her but there was nothing to be said, was there?
Instead she just got them there, parking and taking Beca's hand as they walked inside.
She didn't like the way that Beca's shook.
Emily was already there, just as she had been last time that Chloe had entered these doors and for a moment, she held just a bit tighter to Beca, thankful - as horrid of her as it was - that it wasn't Beca in there waiting for her.
"David is here." Emily pointed toward a man behind her and Beca silently nodded at Emily's knees.
"David?"
"Hunny's agent."
"Oh."
Chloe watched as Beca finally looked up at Emily.
"Heroin." Emily answered the unspoken question. Once again they were working on a wavelength that Chloe could not be on. They weren't excluding her; as a matter of fact she and Beca had a wavelength of their own.
The two just understood one another.
Beca nodded again, giving another half shrug.
Emily asked, her fingers twitching, "Jeremy?"
"No."
"Bex, good to see you. What do you, oh, uhhh." The newcomer cleared his throat, taking a second to look away from her soiled clothes.
"Thanks." Beca glared back.
"Right. Sorry. Listen, House, maybe you should run home and, I don't know, shower. Get yourself together."
"Somehow I kind of feel like there are more pressing matters to attend to right now, David." Beca's voice was like acid.
He flinched, "Look, no one saw this coming. We're going to go all in. We're going to push her toward full rehab and the works. I have a press release being written up as we speak,"
"Everyone saw this coming!" Emily cried, making David and Chloe jump. "You especially, David! I was there the night of Beca's accident, I saw you give her-"
"Excuse me." David hissed, waving his hands to keep it down. "I don't know wha-"
"This is my fault." Beca's words hung dead as she stared at nothing, "I should have known when I stopped hearing from her. I should have realized she was off the deep end. I should have done something."
"Beca, no." Chloe tried but Beca shook her head.
"It is. It's my fault. I just left her in it all by herself."
A terrible, horrible thought was filling Chloe's mind as Beca spoke; Hunny's face, her hand pressed to her cheek. "Oh god, I slapped her. I slapped her! I just totally rejected her. I kicked her out!"
"Noooo guys!" Emily growled, "It's neither of your faults. Bex, she was the leader of it. You didn't just leave her in it, she would have been there whether or not you were and Chloe, you don't even really know her, don't blame yourself."
"Yeah, Chlo." Beca gave a poor impersonation of a laugh, "Trust me, you're not the first woman to slap Hunny."
"Is she - alright?" Chloe finally asked, realizing that David hadn't told them yet.
"They think so."
"Can we see her?" Emily asked, but Chloe had to wonder; Emily had gone three shades of pale as she asked. Maybe someone needed to give her permission to not be here right now, facing this so early in her sobriety.
"No, I'm sorry. They have her on watch and she's a little - unresponsive at the moment, guys." David's phone began to ring again, "Excuse me."
They watched him go in silence, their jaws hanging open.
Unresponsive?
"It's my fault."
"Bex, if it's your fault then it's also mine. I spent just as much time with her as you did. I should have taken her to a meeting, I should have watched her. I didn't call her."
"Neither of us did."
"Excuse me, Rebeca?"
Chloe wasn't pleased to see the police again.
"I'm sorry, we just need a few minutes. I know this is hard. Can you sit down with us?"
Beca nodded.
"Alright, can we get you a cup of coffee or anything like that? We can run you home or get you something to eat. Anything you want."
Soundlessly, Beca shook her head.
"Okay so-"
Chloe let her hand go, stepping to the side with Emily.
"Right so," Beca let out a huge huff of air, running her hands through her mucky hair, "I went to The Royal tonight with a client of mine to have a drink. I was there for maybe thirty minutes when I ran into Hunny, um, Meg, I mean. I could tell she was high so I just let her do her own thing, which - I guess was shitty of me but I was trying to get home quickly. Then when I was getting ready to actually go, I realized I hadn't seen her again so I went looking. I just figured – whatever. Anyway. I found her and Jeremy in a bathroom stall."
"And were they sitting, standing, did they say anything to you?"
"They were both on the floor. I could tell that Jeremy had thrown up a few times so I checked him first and he didn't respond. I just thought he was really fucked up – like always - so I turned to Hunny and she was still kind of awake. I tried to get her to stand up, I was gonna, I dunno, put her head under the sink or something, I don't know what you're supposed to do."
"How did she respond?"
"She didn't. Not really."
Chloe felt Emily's hand slip into hers and happily took it, squeezing tightly and pulling it up to her chest to hold it; thankful for the contact.
"I tried slapping her...a lot but it didn't help. She started puking everywhere and then she just - went out. I got her up and then she just – I dunno – collapsed? I guess?"
"Did you go and find someone then?"
"I started yelling. Someone must have called an ambulance or something. I – I dunno."
"Okay. And you told officers at The Royal that you don't know where Miss Brooks got the drugs?"
"No, I have no idea. I don't - I don't do that. Em?"
Emily shook her head.
"Okay. Thank you. Can you just sit tight for a minute please?"
"Yeah."
Chloe stepped up as the officer went to his partner.
Beca took in a long, shuttering breath, "I'm tired, Chlo. I'm so - I'm so tired."
"I know, baby." Beca let her face fall against Chloe's stomach, hiding there so she just stroked her head.
"This isn't how I want to live."
"I know." She couldn't. Beca couldn't live like this.
"Okay guys, it's all set up." David said, appearing from out of nowhere, "I talked to Marion and she asked me to pass along the message, 'be gone by the time the press get here'. Don't get involved, alright kiddos?"
Emily looked between him and Beca, appalled, "We can't just leave!"
"More of a mess for P.J." He shrugged. "She said especially you, Bex."
"Marion?"
Beca did another one of those slow blinks, "P.J.'s lawyer, our lawyer, I guess."
"So we're just going to go?"
Beca's lips pulled into a deep frown as she looked up at Emily, "David will keep us updated."
"Emily, there is nothing at all that you can do for her right now." David insisted, "Don't get your hands dirty. Drugs are messy, kids."
The three stared at him as he retreated, picking up his phone again.
"Beca!"
Beca jumped, "He's right, Em. It's just - it's just," she huffed out a breath, "let's go before P.J. kills us."
"That's so wrong, Beca!"
"I could lose my job, Emily!"
"So?"
"Emily." Chloe reached for her hand again but Emily yanked away.
"Fine. God, I can't even, I hate this job!"
They both watched her storm away. Chloe's heart ached for her, for both of them.
"It's not like I want to go." Beca's voice was small, shaking hard as she watched her friend slam out of the doors and into the night.
"I know. I know, come on." It felt a bit cruel to pull Beca away like she was but she was pretty sure that Beca was right and it was for the best.
"I really need to smoke," Beca said when they were outside.
Chloe could see her hands twitching as she walked beside her, "That's fine, sweetie."
"Legacy." She felt Beca's fingers touch her stomach in a disjointed, confused sort of way.
"Tell you what, I'll wait in the car, okay?"
She didn't have to wait long.
"Beca." She turned to her, assessing before she started the car, "Honey, is there anything I can do for you?"
Beca slid low in her seat, "Honey."
Had she really just said that? Oh god, that was terrible! She was the worst!
Her mouth opened, half closed and then opened again as she tried to decide what to say, "Let's get you home, okay?"
Chloe had never been so happy to be back in the condo. She watched Beca step outside, pouring her a drink. If there was ever a time someone needed a drink it was now. Hell, she wanted a drink.
"Here."
Beca took it with a look of detached surprise on her face.
"Everything in moderation."
Beca drained it quickly.
"Maybe you should take a shower." She watched Beca give her half a nod, her eyes so wide and lost. Beca opened her mouth, but then just shook her head, closing it again.
"Give me your hand." Beca did and Chloe started up the stairs, trying to think of all the ways she could to help stop the shaking, trying to think of anything at all that she could do to help.
She led her into the bathroom.
Beca's eyes just followed her hand as she clicked on the water and adjusted it.
She was good at words of positivity, but right now she could think of none. So she stayed silent. Sometimes silence was just as healing as words. She pulled off Beca's soiled clothes and then carefully, she pulled off her own, gathering them and making a quick trip downstairs to put them in the wash.
She had expected Beca to have jumped in the shower immediately; she had expected her to be desperate to be clean again, to get the night off of her. When she returned Beca was still standing beside the shower, her hand outstretched, watching the water pass through her fingers. She swallowed hard, biting her lip. This was not a moment for her own tears, no matter how hurt and lost her friend seemed.
Still she couldn't stop them, so she stepped in quickly, letting the water run over her face to hide them. She gently pulled her in, satisfying the thirst her arms felt for the other woman; wrapping her up tightly.
The water was warm and inviting and instantly she saw Beca's eyes close as she moved her under the stream. Chloe reached forward, lifting Beca's chin so the water would stop running into her eyes and instead let her fingers run through Beca's hair, pushing it away from her face. Then with cautious, tender movements, she began to wash her, gently massaging in the shampoo, working her fingers across her scalp.
Touch was the best way to heal, touch was the most cathartic thing she knew of, being touched and being loved.
Beca sagged ever so slightly, steadying herself with a hand on Chloe's chest.
Chloe watched carefully, looking for signs of distress as she tilted her head again and rinsed, doing her best to wash way as much of the pain as she could.
She conditioned her hair and rinsed with the same gentle pressure, her thumb stroking her cheeks, her temples and moved on to the soap, turning Beca so she could begin with her back.
She could feel Beca's shallow breathing, she could feel Beca's hesitance, her strict offish resolve. She moved in wide circles, trying to soothe as much as to bathe.
It only took a few gentle sweeps before she felt Beca's body hitch, crumpling forward as the tears finally came, loud and hard as Beca closed, wrapping her arms around herself.
Chloe caught her before she tipped, wrapping her arms around her tight. She didn't say anything, she had been expecting it. She simply turned her around and pulled her to her, caressing her back as Beca sobbed.
Then, after a few minutes, she softly began to sing.
The water had grown cold by the time they were both clean. Shivering they slipped under the blankets of Beca's bed.
The tears in the shower seemed to have helped a little bit; Beca's eyes had a little more life to them. She crawled next to her, propping herself up on her elbow so she could see her pale face.
Beca gave her a shaky half smile, unable to hold her eye contact.
"Hey." She leaned down and gave her a soft kiss.
Beca looked away, covering her face with her hands.
"What's wrong?"
"I just cried. Like, a lot."
"I'm glad you did. It soothes the soul." She softly tapped her fingers on the back of Beca's hands, pulling them away when they didn't move on their own, "Don't be silly."
Beca let out a slow, deep breath, toying with a curl just to give her something to do, "I just keep thinking about his face. How did I just totally freaking miss that he was -" Beca's eyes popped and she choked on the word that she could not bring herself to say.
She didn't want to push too hard, but she couldn't let her do what she knew she was doing, she couldn't allow the mental self-flagellation she could see in Beca's eyes. "It sounds to me like he went quickly, Bec. I don't know if you could have helped him."
Beca looked away again, her throat working convulsively, "Me neither."
She pulled her face back toward her. "Hunny is going to be okay. Rehab will help her."
"Yeah, I know. I just," Beca sat up, her face red.
"What?"
"I just- it could have been me in there. So easily. And that's so fucking shitty of me to even be thinking about right now. I'm just, I'm total shit. I'm the worst fucking person in the world. Jeremy died. He's dead. But what I'm thinking about is the fact that it could have been me. And I can't believe that. When did that become me? How did that become me? I mean, I knew Jeremy. Not well, but I knew him. How did I become the person who has the friend that freaking OD's in a club bathroom? This isn't what I want from my life. And how is it that I'm thinking about this? I should – I don't know, be paying respect to him, I should be doing – something, but-"
"Hey." Chloe sat up on her knees and pulled Beca to her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders and resting her face on her back. She could feel Beca's breathing growing quick again, she could feel that tremor returning. "Stop it! You're allowed to think of anything you want in this situation and you're right it could have been you, at first I even thought it was. You're not shitty, Beca, you're not. You're just aware of what your life has been as of late. Please, god, please pay attention to that. It's serious, Bec." She closed her arms tighter and heard a small squawk from Beca but her trembling slowed, "Nobody wants to be addicted to drugs, Bec. Jeremy is free now. Maybe realizing that it could have been you is the best way to honor him."
"This is- this is just not what I want to be!" Beca's voice was loud in the dark room.
"What do you want?"
"Like - the whole freaking opposite." Beca covered her face again, her fingers twitching like they did when she wanted a cigarette. She sagged into Chloe, taking a deep breath. "I don't know what to do about Hunny."
"I don't think there is anything you can do, I think it's out of your hands, baby."
She gave a dry laugh. "That's good because no one should freaking trust me with anything ever because I make the worst choices. Keep that baby away from me, I'll probably break it or like – leave it on a bus or something."
She pulled her fingers away again and kissed her cheek. "Come lay back down?"
Beca resettled, Chloe running her finger across Beca's collarbone as she thought, "Beca, if you want something different then it's up to you to take it, right?"
"Pot calling the kettle black, much?"
"I know. But I'm serious and I'm trying."
"How do I do that, Chlo?"
She shook her head, "I don't think I can answer that for you, but I think that Kendra is a good place to start."
"Oh god, that's in the morning." She moaned.
Her hand flattened on Beca's chest, as if holding her racing heart in place, "You can do it."
"I have to do it, I can't, I can't live like this. I won't. It's - it's time for a change, you know? I can't," she started to shake again so Chloe pulled her close, "I can't ever be a part of something like that again. Ever."
"I'm here if there is anything I can do."
Beca was silent for a long time against her chest. She could feel her tension so she picked a song at random and began to hum; pushing Beca back to the pillows so she could lay beside her and softly caress her hair and cheeks.
After a while Beca's eyes opened again, fluttering and rolling, fighting sleep. Her hand slipped around Chloe's neck, holding her securely. Chloe smiled, leaning down and gave her a long soft kiss.
"Go to sleep, baby."
Beca's eyebrows tightened and a single tear slipped from her closed eye, "I – I don't want to I'm - Chloe?" Her hand closed tighter on her neck.
"Hmm?"
"I'm afraid to go to sleep."
Chloe pulled her through the last bit of space, wrapping around her and kissed her temple. "I'm right here. If you wake up, I'm right here."
