Chapter 9: What the Research Says
Tuesday dawned on a confused and ambivalent witch. After Giles had dropped her off the night before, Willow had fallen into bed exhausted, but only managed to catch a few hours' sleep before she awoke with a start. Although the night before had been a cavalcade of crazy, the thing that stood out to her was the sensation of Giles' lips on hers, the softness of his hands on her face, the look in his eyes. Life had been complicated enough last week; now it was on the verge of untenable.
It was with both relief and dread that Willow realized she had her first appointment with her new therapist today. Doctor Gruden specialized in working with people who didn't fit neatly inside the normal human realm. In fact, many of her clients weren't people at all. Given how central Willow's magic was to her trauma, it had been important for Doctor Lane to find her a therapist who could meet her needs fully. Although she knew that Doctor Gruden would have received Willow's files from Doctor Lane, Willow also knew that she would spend at least the whole first session talking about her entire backstory. It would be exhausting, and she was already drained.
Willow's phone buzzed. It was a text from Giles.
[Appointment today?]
She smiled at the screen. Giles is checking up on me, she thought. She began typing.
[Yup. In two hours.]
[I'm already at the Magic Box cleaning up. If you want to talk after, I'm here.]
Willow's grin broadened. However conflicted she felt about Giles and their…whatever it was, she felt warm and safe right now.
[Will do]
She pursed her lips, unsatisfied by how her message sounded.
[Thank you.]
Good enough, she thought, then trotted off to take a shower.
Sitting in the waiting room of Doctor Gruden's Santa Barbara office, Willow could not stop fidgeting. First she was bouncing her leg, then she forced herself to stop. After she drummed on her knees, she moved on to picking at her fingernails, then back to bouncing her leg. Thankfully, she only had a wait a few minutes before Doctor Gruden welcomed Willow inside.
"Hi Willow, my name is Dana Gruden. It's really great to meet you. Please come on in and have a seat." The psychologist gestured to a pair of mismatched comfy-looking chairs across from her own large rolling office chair. Mid-forties and athletic, Doctor Gruden reminded Willow of that lady from the X-Men movies, the one who used to be married to John Stamos.
Willow selected the slightly less-worn chair and carefully perched on the edge of the cushion, her body language betraying her nervousness. "Thanks Doctor Gruden," she began.
"Please call me Dana," the woman replied, offering a genuine smile that invited one's confidence.
Willow nodded agreeably. "Alright, thanks Dana. It's nice to meet you too."
"So, Doctor Lane said you were okay with me reading your file from England and he sent me his notes. How would you describe your time in Bath?"
Willow shrugged noncommittally. "It was fine, I guess. I learned a lot, and I talked through a lot of stuff. It was hard. I cried pretty much all the time."
Dana smiled again and nodded, lifting her eyebrows as if to indicate that Willow was of course supposed to cry the entire time. "How would you characterize your experience of returning to Sunnydale? You've been back for a few days, right?"
"Yeah, since Friday," Willow confirmed. "It's been okay. Well, I thought I might not have any friends to come back to, so the fact that everyone is still talking to me is a big plus."
"You didn't think your friends would talk to you?"
"Well, I don't know, I just thought that since I had kinda tried to kill them that they might not be super happy to see me."
"That's fair," Dana replied. "What was it like to see them again?"
"I was scared at first. But Dawn, Buffy's sister – Doctor Lane explained who Buffy was, right?" Willow asked. Dana nodded, and Willow continued, "So Dawn was so sweet and she was so happy to see me, and that made me feel a lot better. I still felt nervous when it came to seeing Buffy and Xander and even Anya again for the first time since I got back, but it's been okay."
Doctor Gruden took a few notes as Willow spoke, then looked up. "I can imagine how scary it must have been to have to wonder about your friends and their feelings towards you."
Willow nodded but didn't say anything. A beat passed.
Dana ran her fingers up into her loose blonde hair and scrubbed her scalp with her fingertips for a second, zhooshing her hair absent-mindedly as she spoke. "Now, one of the things I always ask my clients is what they hope to get out of talking to me, so I'm going to ask the same thing of you. What is your hope for these sessions? It could be something immediate or something long-term, it's up to you."
Willow knitted her brows and thought for a moment. "Can it be more than one thing?"
Dana nodded.
"Okay, it might be selfish, but…I want a lot of things. I want to be able to control my magic. I want to stop crying every time I get a little overwhelmed or upset." She paused, took a breath, then concluded: "I want to stop being so afraid all the time."
Doctor Gruden met Willow's eyes and assured you, "If you want me to, I will help you." After a moment, she shifted in her chair and asked, "What are you afraid of?"
Willow rolled her eyes and heaved a sigh. "God, so much. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone, that I'm going to be dangerous. I'm scared, too, that I'm never going to get back to the place I was before all of this happened. I don't know if I can be in a relationship, if I can trust myself, if my friends can trust me, if I can use magic and be responsible and safe about it. I mean, if I lose control –"
"There it is," Dana broke in.
Startled, Willow asked, "What? There what is?"
Dana leaned forward. "Think about all those things you just listed that you were afraid of. Each one of them has to do with control. You want to be able to control your feelings, control your magic, control your reactions to things, control your life."
"Well, yeah," Willow agreed.
"That's good news," Doctor Gruden announced.
Scrunching up her face uncertainly, Willow asked, "Why is that good news?"
"Because you don't want a million things, you just want one."
A look of recognition dawned on Willow's face. "I want control. I want to be in control again."
Dana shrugged. "Yup."
"How do I do that, though?"
"Well," Dana began, "you and I will do a lot of talking to strategize and work through particular components of the issue. Just because there's one big issue tying everything together doesn't mean the problems are going to look the same in every situation. We're also going to practice and develop strategies to help you regain control in various aspects of your life."
"Doctor Gruden," Willow started.
"Dana."
"Right, Dana," Willow corrected herself. "Can I even do this? I mean, I don't think you'd actually be honest with me about this because there are some things you just don't tell people, like how a teacher will never actually say that their student is dumb even if that student is totally braindead, but – what if I'm not strong enough to get control of everything? What if I really can't do it?"
Dana grinned. "Willow, you don't need to get control of everything. You can't get control of everything. Today, we're just going to try to figure out how to get you a tiny bit of control over one tiny thing. This isn't something you can plan and coordinate six months in advance, or predict ten or fifteen moves out. All we can do is try to help you get better today. Tomorrow, we can work on tomorrow."
Willow let out a big breath and nodded slowly. "Okay."
"Okay," Doctor Gruden agreed. "So, let's pick one thing to work on today," she said, looking through her notes. "You said earlier that you were afraid you weren't going to be in a relationship. Are you seeing someone currently?"
Willow blanched. "No," she replied hastily, "no, well, not really, I'm not…there's no…"
Dana smiled warmly. "It's okay, Willow. If you don't want to talk about this, we won't talk about it."
Willow shook her head to clear her thoughts. "No, no, it's fine. I just don't actually know the answer to your question."
"Go on," Dana encouraged.
"There's someone who I've…cared about for a long time. And he told me yesterday that he's cared about me for a long time, too. And…we kissed." Willow's expression clouded over with concern.
"How did you feel about kissing him?" Doctor Gruden asked.
Willow blinked and cleared her expression. "Well, the kiss was –"Willow smiled reflexively – "the kiss was great. But…well, we've known each other for so long and everything feels so complicated. I don't know if it's a good thing that we kissed."
"Have you spoken to him about it since it happened?"
"No, not yet. It was just last night. I'm planning to see him after this. What do I say? Are we dating now? How does this work? God, I can't tell Buffy, I can't tell anyone."
"Why can't you tell Buffy?"
Willow pressed her lips together, weighing her next words. Although she understood that Doctor Gruden was an unbiased third party and someone who would, at least to her face, not judge Willow for what she had done with Giles, she still felt embarrassed and reluctant to reveal everything.
"She and I have both been friends with him for ages. He's kind of her mentor. It would be super weird if he and I were dating."
"Do you think he wants to date?"
"I don't know. The way he talked about his feelings for me, I can't imagine he would just want to stay friends, but I also can't imagine that we'd start going to the movies together or go out dancing. It's not like I can take him to The Bronze." Willow had a momentary flash of Giles trying to be hip with the cool kids at The Bronze. She stifled a grin.
"Do you want to date him?"
Willow's mouth quirked into a frown. "I don't know." She hesitated, looking at her hands as they rested in her lap. "I…I think I might love him. But I don't know what that means. And the whole thing is crazy anyway."
"Why is it crazy?"
"Well, he's been helping me practice my magic and work through my recovery. I've spent pretty much every day with him for the last two months. He practically knows me better than I know myself right now. When I'm with him, I feel totally safe, but I also feel…it's like my insides are laid bare. I feel…" Willow trailed off, clearly searching for the word but not finding it.
"Vulnerable?" Doctor Gruden suggested.
Willow nodded, the barest hint of tears forming behind her eyes. "And I want to talk about it, I really do, but the people I'd normally turn to are the ones I absolutely can't talk to about this."
"What would you say if you could tell them?"
"Oh," Willow laughed cynically, "just something like, 'Hey Buffy, just wanted to let you know that the crush I've had on your Watcher for like five years is mutual and we made out in your training room.' That would be fine, I'm sure." Willow shook her head at her own silliness.
Doctor Gruden's eyebrow twitched when Willow identified Buffy's Watcher as the object of Willow's affection, but she said nothing about it. Of course, as a supernaturally-aware psychologist, Doctor Gruden had heard of the Slayer and was familiar with the Watchers' Council. Even so, she knew Willow wasn't looking to get into it, so she remained as neutral as possible. She said, "It sounds like that's what you think Buffy would hear. But what do you need to say?"
Willow breathed deeply, her eyes fixed on her fingernails. A moment passed. "I would say, 'I feel totally lost. It's only been a few months since Tara and I don't know if I'm ready for this. And I care about him too much to risk ruining everything. I still feel guilty all the time because I almost killed him. He says he loves me but I don't think he should. And I don't want to have to choose between the people I love.'" Willow's voice wavered just a little as she finished.
Dana paused before responding to Willow. "It seems like you're really conflicted. That must be difficult."
Willow nodded, avoiding Dana's gaze.
Doctor Gruden continued, "If you could have one wish today with this relationship/non-relationship situation, anything at all, even if it's not realistic, what would you want?"
Willow's mouth twitched upward as she envisioned all of the ridiculous outcomes she could wish for. "I think," she drawled, "I would like to walk up to him, and he would tell me exactly what our relationship is, and there would be no uncertainty or guessing, and then Buffy and Xander and everybody would be happy for us, and we'd all get dinner together." Willow had to laugh at herself.
Dana smiled, but asked, "So, why is that funny?"
"It's silly, that could never happen. Even if he and I figured out things between us, there is no way that Buffy and Xander would be fine with it. They'd flip out."
"Why?"
"Well, it's just…he's…" Willow snorted out of frustration, not happy about how difficult it was to get the words out. "He's older and I'm younger. He's Buffy's Watcher, which would make it super awkward. I'd be like…her step-Watcher. And we've known each other for a long time platonically. As a group, we have this established dynamic and this would wreck everything. They would be totally weirded out.
"Are you weirded out?" Dana asked.
Willow shrugged, a look of discomfort on her face. "Well…yeah, kinda. Especially since…" Willow let her voice fade away. She had been thinking about what she and Giles had done in the training room before the kiss.
"Since?" Doctor Gruden pressed her.
"I don't know if I can talk about that," Willow said, her voice much quieter.
"That's okay, you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to," Dana assured her.
Willow breathed in and out, gathering her thoughts. "Is it…" she started, then stopped again. The psychologist waited patiently for Willow to find her voice.
"Is it normal if you like it when somebody hits you?" Willow felt her face flush, and she was frustrated by her reaction.
"What do you mean 'hits you'?" Doctor Gruden asked.
"Not like, punches you, but…if someone were to…" Willow was already hating herself for opening up this line of dialogue. But her curiosity was stronger than her embarrassment. "If someone spanks you. Is it normal to like it?"
Doctor Gruden smiled, relieved. "Spanking is an extremely common activity that people engage in for sexual gratification. I don't know what percentage of people would have to do it in order for it to be called 'normal', but it's not bizarre, if that's what you mean." Dana smiled a little. She was beginning to understand the witch a little better.
"But, isn't it…sick or wrong or something? Doesn't it mean that you have something wrong with you if you like it?" Willow's anxiety was written all over her face and etched into her voice, but she was too nervous to feel self-conscious about being nervous.
"That used to be the conventional wisdom, but that's not what the research says," Dana responded.
Willow perked up. The magic word: research. "What does the research say?"
"Well, we don't really know how common it is for people to engage in activities and behaviors that fall under the umbrella of bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, and masochism, or BDSM. It's pretty hard to get people to report honestly about their sexual activity, and the phrasing of the questions also matters. But it's possible that maybe half of all people who are sexually active enjoy BDSM and related activities."
"Half?!" Willow replied, shocked. "No way."
"Yeah, well, like I said, we don't have good numbers on it, but it's definitely not a teeny tiny number. A lot of couples engage in BDSM in some or all of their sexual encounters to some degree. Some studies suggest it even makes people happier."
Now Willow's curiosity was well and truly piqued. "Happier? How? Why?"
Doctor Gruden, appreciative of Willow's academic curiosity and herself interested in the subject, explained, "One study compared the psychological disorders of a sexually-normative group with the psychological disorders of BDSM practitioners. The people who engaged in BDSM had lower rates of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and paranoia, among other things."
"Well," Willow asked, "did the BDSM make the people have fewer disorders or were people with fewer disorders more likely to engage in BDSM?"
Doctor Gruden grinned warmly. "Now that's a researcher talking. I don't suppose you're studying psychology, are you?"
Willow brightened, delighted by the praise. "I haven't re-enrolled in college yet, but I was actually thinking about it. I really liked my psych class."
"Well," Dana affirmed, "not to give you too much of a nudge, but it's worth considering, anyway. We could use critical thinkers like you in the field. Do you want me to send you a PDF of that study?"
"Yes, please," Willow accepted eagerly. She was both excited to read about the details of the study as well as find out more about BDSM. Now that she had a term to search for, she knew she'd be doing some serious Googling later.
Dana couldn't help but smile at Willow's unadorned curiosity. "I'll send it before my next appointment. Are we still on to meet again next week?"
Willow nodded, "You bet." She was already feeling comfortable with Doctor Gruden. Doctor Lane had made a good match.
"Alright, then I'll see you in a week, Willow. It was really great meeting you." Dana reached out her hand and Willow shook it.
"Thanks, Dana. It was great meeting you, too."
Willow exited the office with her heart feeling just a tiny bit lighter.
Back in Sunnydale, Giles was having a strange day. His mood was oscillating back and forth between the joy and desire he felt with Willow and the deep reservations he had about what might be brewing between them. He loved her, truly, and he knew that. He had ignored his feelings for years, then tried to deny them for years after that, but now there was nothing for it but to admit his love for her.
Shedding the hopelessness of his ruse was freeing in its own way, but the now he had to face the uncomfortable reality beneath. He had managed to move beyond the guilt he felt for his past sins, but he had a new sin to repent for, and seemed keen on transgressing again. The late-afternoon sun glinted off the glass counter at the Magic Box and highlighted a few particles of dust floating in the air.
Loving Willow is not a sin, he tried to convince himself. He had been having this argument in his head all day. Yes, she is younger than you, and yes, there is something troubling about the power dynamic in your relationship, he admitted, but she is a grown woman. If she wants to be with you, that is her choice.
Giles rolled his eyes at himself, then removed and cleaned his glasses. His lenses were the cleanest they'd ever been today. He had waffled on his feelings about Willow for hours and was no closer to figuring anything out. He checked his phone for the tenth time that hour, but no messages from Willow. Her appointed would have ended hours ago, but she had never said she would definitely talk to him that day. Was she going to contact him? Was he supposed to contact her? What was she expecting?
He opened their previous text conversation and wrote:
[How did it go with Doctor Gruden?]
Neutral enough, not too eager, he thought. He slid the phone into his pocket, but just as he did, he felt it buzz. Greedily, he took it back out and opened the new message.
[Really well, I think]
Giles felt a small sense of relief. It was important for Willow's continued recovery and healing that she have a local therapist who understood the unique ins and outs of her situation. Doctor Lane had been careful about selecting a referral for Willow, but it was no guarantee that it would be a good match. If Doctor Gruden really was a good fit, Willow could begin to strengthen her support system back home.
He dithered on whether to continue the conversation. Finally, he sent another message:
[Buffy said she's coming by later. Will you be accompanying her?]
He actually felt nervous sending that message, a sensation he derided himself for. Come on Giles, he told himself, you're not a child. You don't need to act like a teenage boy asking out the girl in math class.
His pocket buzzed.
[I was thinking about coming in early, actually.]
Giles smiled at the screen as he read her message. Just the thought of her coming to the shop, a thing that had happened a hundred times before, was raising Giles' spirits. He began to type out a reply when a customer approached the counter.
"Excuse me," the woman said.
"Oh, yes, I'm sorry, what can I do for you?" Giles responded. He looked up and saw Willow's radiant face staring up at him mischievously. He didn't know whether to chide her for her silly trick or feel embarrassed for being caught off guard. In the end, he simply smiled at her.
"Do you know when Buffy is supposed to get here?" Willow asked.
"In an hour or two, I think," Giles replied. "Why?"
"I think I have an idea about how to defeat this Gaarvoth thing, but I'll have to do a relatively complicated piece of magic. I mean, it's nothing compared to what I was doing six months ago, but it's harder than a house of cards."
"Alright…" Giles said, a question in his voice.
Willow glanced around at the empty shop. "It might help me control my power better if I were to get…" She lowered her voice and leaned towards Giles, despite the lack of people in the store. "…if I were to get some additional training time with you." She raised her eyebrows to make sure her meaning was getting through.
Under other circumstances, Giles would have judged Willow a bit harshly for her lack of subtlety, but right now he was not concerned about that. He walked straight over to the front door, flipped the sign to "closed", and turned back to Willow. His eyes met hers. He held her gaze for a moment, then flicked his eyes toward the training room, and met her eyes again. She immediately spun on her heels and strode to the back of the shop, her tight jeans hugging her curves as she walked. Giles followed closely behind her.
Once in the training room, Giles closed and locked the door. Willow walked over to the table, facing it, looking back at Giles with her eyebrows raised in inquiry.
"No, Willow," Giles said softly. "I suspect that would be uncomfortable for you, even more than either of us would enjoy." He walked up behind her and gently traced the outside curve of her left buttock with his fingertips. She inhaled and pulled away just slightly. "Mmm. You're undoubtedly going to need some time to heal after last night. I don't dare try to hit you again. Not today."
Willow pouted slightly. "So what do we do, then?"
Giles placed both hands on Willow's hips. "I'm sure we can figure out something."
