Author's note:
Guys!...GUYS! We hit 500 reviews last week! I can't even believe it! Thank you so much, you are all so amazing! I love this fandom so much and while things have been rocky, I am so thankful I found it. You guys are awesome! And I'm so thankful ya'll have accepted me into the fandom!
So much love!
We're getting pretty close to the end here! Only three more chapters! I will wait two weeks after that and then I'll start posting the sequel. (And I think in that time I'll start posting a Bechloe ficlet. I've had this fun idea for a while now that I think will be about six chapters or so.)
This is crazy. I remember looking at the projected finishing date before I started posting and thinking it felt so far away! Time flies!
Oh and! I just joined twitter (finally)! Come and hang out! ioliviajanae!
Yes, Beca was entirely aware that she was under severe scrutiny.
Like…all of the time.
It had been three days, three very fucking long days since the morning Chloe had told Aubrey and she was starting to feel the strain. Okay no, fuck that, she was already strained.
Really fucking strained.
Things were….not fucking going well for her right about now. At all.
She had put off eating, unable to get anything down into her rock hard stomach; she was smoking like a chimney and she was, well, she was just lost in her own head, that was all.
Chloe had noticed, she could tell, but that hadn't really helped anything...actually it had done the opposite, because what that now meant was that she had two people watching her from across the room instead of one.
She could tell Chloe was a bit confused, unsure if she should broach the subject or not, but whether she had decided to leave it or whether she just couldn't get a moment alone to do it; Beca wasn't sure.
They had wordlessly decided to keep a five-foot distance between them at all times, though whether because they were uncomfortable under Aubrey's laser stare or if Aubrey was the uncomfortable one, Beca also didn't know. They had not played musical beds either, which was probably smart, especially because Beca wasn't sleeping so well over the last few nights. Basically, except for across the breakfast table or across the patio, Beca wasn't really seeing much of Chloe. Aubrey had her completely occupied.
Beca thought that Aubrey had taken a positive stance on their new - relationship - somehow that didn't seem like the right word – situation - thing. Either way, Chloe had come back from that breakfast all smiles. As a matter of fact she had been smiling non-stop since and that was only adding to Beca's strain. She adored Chloe, more than she could say but perhaps it took a supercharged optimist to get through this. Or perhaps it was just a Chloe specialty because Beca didn't think it was going as well as Chloe seemed to. Aubrey had been somewhat nicer to Beca - mostly, well, mostly she ignored her, which she highly preferred over the small comments that Chloe didn't seem to be noticing; comments that hinted that Beca was taking advantage of Chloe, that Beca had been on her the moment that Chloe had come out, that Beca was simply inferior. Which...well...maybe those weren't entirely wrong but Aubrey would say them just as Chloe was leaving the room or perhaps when she was singing and not paying attention to them. Beca would look up at the blonde from her half secluded bubble she was living in right now, she would see the overly polite smile on Aubrey's face and she would scoff, feeling that old rivalry that she had thought was long dead.
It also worried her how pleased Aubrey seemed to be that she and Chloe were staying away from one another for her benefit.
Not only had Beca clearly lost her friendship with Aubrey but also she had made something of an enemy...by literally doing nothing at all to Aubs.
That was upsetting, maybe even really upsetting, but right now it was hard to tell since she was having a very difficult time seeing past the thing that was occupying 90% of her brainpower.
When Chloe and Aubrey had returned from their breakfast the morning of the big reveal, Beca had been sitting on the couch trying not to stress. At that point it had been twenty-four hours since her meeting with Kendra and her thoughts were starting to spin ever so slightly. She was okay, nothing like she was now, still; Chloe had given her that special I-see-you-Beca smile and sat across from her on the coffee table, insisting that she wanted to finally hear about Kendra. Beca had started to talk, embarrassingly stoked, but then Aubrey had sat beside them and had stared at her with such fire that Beca had just trailed off, giving Chloe the bare minimum version and retreating into herself. She hadn't meant to, but she was feeling a little - sensitive - about the stuff with Kendra and she hadn't been able to force it out as she would have liked to. Chloe hadn't been satisfied with her answer but Aubrey had begun then to demand more information about Jenny's pregnancy and Chloe had been completely distracted.
That had been fine too. Did she want to tell Chloe about the meeting and about what was coming next? Yes. But she would survive.
A few days had passed now though and she was starting to stress.
Really stress.
Freak out.
A little bit.
Maybe.
Kinda.
It had gone well with Kendra; that was the thing! Beca had given her the few ideas she had and Kendra had loved them. Kendra had seemed super fucking stoked when she left Beca's dingy little studio. She had seemed so stoked that it had given Beca the ego boost she needed in order to completely ignore the information that her biggest fucking client had walked away from her five minutes later.
Then something had happened.
Something so stupid that she hadn't even thought of its inevitability beforehand.
Because she was a stupid fuck up who should have become a nurse - or perhaps a fucking baker or something; anything but this job that she was sooooo not cut out for.
P.J. had approached and told her about EZ with, what seemed to be, sincere apology, clapping her on the back. Beca didn't even know what she had said in response. But then P.J. had scuffed her chin and told her that he 'couldn't wait to hear what she came up with for Kendra' and she had frowned. It had been a strange thing for him to say.
"I'll get talking to Miles and Jackie and I'll come in next-"
P.J. clicked his tongue and shook his head, "Solo means, solo, Bexy. Miles and Jackie work for me. Not for you," and then he had chuckled as he left, as though Beca had made a good joke…
And though she had been left staring after him, mouth agape… it had been fine.
She was nervous but Beca had walked away knowing her song writing skills had really improved over the last few years. She had been working hard at it, she had written a few songs now and they had been great.
And now, days later, it was not so great.
Nothing was great.
The Aubrey barrier between herself and Chloe had extended to ten feet it seemed and...somehow she had…no reason to go into work. EZ was no longer her client. Synergy was off on tour. Amanda hadn't hired her. Death Throw was in the middle of a fight so bad that it looked like they might split up. Emily was only vaguely thinking about a second album.
She had even checked in with P.J.'s clients but they all seemed to be okay right now too.
…She had no reason to go in.
She had never had - no reason to go into work before.
And she had no idea what to do with herself!
Well, maybe she had one reason.
Searching for this song.
And maybe avoiding Aubrey's leveling gaze.
Maybe she just should.
Change her environment.
Just go.
She could do this.
Oh my god, she thought she might be sick.
The thing was … how the fuck did you come up with a song? She had done it before but in situations that hadn't mattered quite as much as this one. This song would be the first to be reviewed by P.J. and Kendra, it would be the first on the album to be released. It was a big fucking deal. Now that it counted, her brain was mush.
She had been doing a lot of sitting in one place, staring off into the distance, a lot of watching Chloe and Aubrey interact, a lot of watching the sky, a lot of staring blankly at nothing... as if sitting and staring would make the idea she needed find her.
She knew she was retreating a little bit, closing herself off behind her walls but what else was she supposed to do?
It was September now and the weather was finally changing from summer to winter as it did in So-Cal, skipping autumn entirely. This meant that when she went out with a cup of coffee for a cigarette that morning, she had to throw on a sweater. Normally she would like that, she loved the winter, but right now it just reminded her that time was passing. Fast.
She crossed to the opposite side of the pool from where Chloe and Aubrey were sitting together, stretching and getting ready for their usual morning yoga.
They both seemed happy to have this time together, which was great. As far as Beca knew they hadn't had this much concentrated best friend time for a while.
Was she a little jealous?
She was going to say no; even though she knew it was a lie.
She pulled the lounge chair back as far as she could so it was in the very corner of the patio and slumped into it, knowing the breeze here would take her smoke elsewhere.
She lit the cigarette and let the smoke out in a stream, her head falling back to stare at the blue sky. Her mind felt like a deck of cards always shuffling, putting notes together, listening to the progression and then discarding, over and over; trying to piece things together like a puzzle.
It was like math.
She had always been pretty good at math.
But this math seemed to hate her.
The freaking frustrating thing was that she had an idea; this beautiful and tinkling chord progression had come to her the night before and try as she might, it wouldn't leave. She loved it. It was soft and light, sweet and gentle; it was flipping gorgeous but she couldn't freaking use it. This first track couldn't be a ballad; it would never sell. She needed something kitschy and fun.
Still, even as she stared up at the sky, mind blank, waiting for inspiration to smack her in the face, she found herself running the light, repetitive chorus over and over. 'bum bum – bum bum bUm bumbumbum'
"Damn it!" She drew on her cigarette and glared at nothing.
"What's that face about?"
Beca blinked, refocusing her head out of the clouds and down at the redhead who was grinning up at her as she stretched, "What?" she called back across the distance.
"What are you thinking about so hard?"
Beca just shook her head.
It was fucking clear where that little adorable tinkling song came from. Beca pulled her knees up to her chest watching Chloe smile up at her, the sun making her wink, making her glow - it was the god damn musical version of that right there.
Fucking - distracting, god damn it.
"Come join us."
Beca gave her a distracted smile but shook her head again.
Chloe rolled her eyes at Beca's refusal like she had known it was coming before she had even asked. She stood and for a second Beca though she was going to come over and force her but she just changed direction so instead of facing her, she was facing away so it was Chloe's ass sticking into the air - at Beca. She glanced, teasingly, between her own legs as she bent, giving Beca a wink and Beca let out a long, totally guilty laugh.
God, that chic was awesome.
She watched the show for a while, enjoying the way that Chloe bent and every now and then sent her a sly glance – to be sure she was enjoying the view…which she was…she was only freaking human. Her mind worked as she watched, placing puzzle pieces and discarding, placing and discarding.
She hadn't thought about this, about the fact that this was going to be a problem.
She didn't have all that long before she would need to present at least a raw version of the song to P.J. and she would need every single moment of that time to come up with each layer of the song; the chord progression, the melody, bassline, lyrics, the works. Plus then she had to put it all together and get one of the studio voices to record it - though - maybe she should let Chloe record it. It didn't matter who did it since it was just for P.J. and she bet that Chloe would get a real kick out of that.
But then again, Chloe wouldn't get a kick out of shit unless she come up with something! God damn it! You're tripping yourself out. Just fucking relax, you're tripping yourself out and it's stupid. It took you like a week to do 'Flashlight' -
...because Emily already had half the fucking song done!
God damn it.
She groaned, sitting here wasn't helping her at all.
This is awesome, so great, you have your shot and you're going to fucking blow it. All over a stupid song. COME ON, BECA, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO!
She knew what was happening. P.J. was putting her through her paces. It wasn't as though 'solo' meant that she wouldn't be putting the album out under the name of his label; she could use his songwriter and all of that shit but it was a test, see if she would sink or if she could swim.
And she couldn't tell if it was because he wanted to give her a real shot or if this was the precursor to being ousted.
"Oh god." she groaned, letting her head fall into her hands. "Shit." He was going to oust her. She was going to lose her job. This was punishment. She had fucked up too much recently. The car accident. Amanda. Being involved in Jeremy's death. EZ. She was going to lose her fucking god damn job and she couldn't even blame him.
"Hey."
She jumped when she felt fingers brush against her arm, "What's wrong? You've been so weird for a few days now. I can't tell if I should leave you alone or, I don't know, attack."
"I'm not being weird," she grumbled into her hands, trying to keep her panic at bay. What would she do if she lost her job? She could find another one but she would have to start at the bottom again – after this many years at 'Moment One' – she would have to start at the very bottom.
"Beca."
"I'm not being weird, Chloe!" She snapped and then groaned, "Shit. That didn't come out right," but she had felt Chloe's touch leave her arm in unhappy surprise. Beca wanted to snatch it back. "Sorry, I'm just stressed."
"I can see that. What's going on?"
Beca scowled, for a moment wanting nothing more than to scoot into her and feel her arms around her. It was strange, even as 'just friends' they had always managed to be more affectionate than they had been for the last few days; at least then there had been goodbye kisses and hugs and hand holding, let alone the millions of piggyback rides that Chloe seemed to have grown out of.
She was about to say fuck it and scoot in when she heard footsteps approach.
"Something bothering you, Beca?" Aubrey stretched high, wiping her forehead and blocking out the sun.
Beca's mouth slammed closed. It was an innocent enough question but she could see anything but innocence in Aubrey's face. Why did everything feel like a challenge?
"No," she finally gave in, "I'm good, guys, I'm good."
She saw Chloe's head tilt ever so slightly to the side, calling her bluff, "What's going on with work? Is it Kendra or is it EZ?"
"What? How do you know it's work?"
"This looks like 'I'm stressed about work'. You have that." Chloe teasingly poked between her eyebrows, pointing out her scowl.
"I just, erm, I have to come up with a track for Kendra." She mumbled, lamely, really wishing that Aubrey would stop watching her like this; like she was waiting for Beca to do something bad so she could whisk Chloe away from her. She had gained so much confidence over her time with the Bellas...maybe even an ego – okay a bit of an ego - so she wasn't afraid of Aubrey, but right now...she felt like the nervous eighteen-year-old again. She would throw down if she needed to, she was getting close to telling Aubrey to back the hell off, but ugh, Chloe would be hurt if she broke this 'everything is fine between Aubrey and me' facade.
"Are we distracting you?"
"Nooo, I just, I suck."
"Sometimes it's important to recognize our weaknesses, Beca." Beca's eyes opened, glaring at the purposeful pause in Aubrey's words, "That way we can spend some extra time on them and turn our weaknesses into strengths."
Beca groaned, rubbing her face, "Do you mind not preaching that self-motivational crap at me right now, Aubs?"
Aubrey's smile just grew.
"Tell you what. We'll get out of your hair for a bit, okay? We're going to go sightseeing since tomorrow is Brey's last full day and my afternoon is busy. Put on some music, have fun, I bet it will come to you. You've been a zombie all week. Maybe just try to get out of your head?"
"Yeah, I guess so." Maybe what she would do is lock herself in the studio here, "What's tomorrow?"
Chloe glanced down at her fingers, toying with her rings, "My appointment."
"What?" Beca cried, loud enough to make them all wince. The fuck? She knew it had to be soon, she knew it, and she had noticed that Chloe was avoiding giving her the exact date - but she had no idea it was that soon! "As in baby appointment? As in finding out how far along you are and all of that?" She could see the look of guilt on Chloe's face and honestly...it just pissed her off. "Chloe, why didn't you tell me?" She frowned as a thought occurred to her, "Actually, the hell? You haven't told me anything over the last freaking three days. Are you okay? How's Legacy? Have you been sick?" She felt like an idiot. How had she not noticed this? She had to stop letting herself be so in her head. She had spent her entire freshman year in her head, avoiding, running, being a bitch - and she had grown out of the habit but somehow over the last few years it had come back, hadn't it?
Okay, maybe she had never kicked the habit fully.
"A little, once or twice. I wasn't feeling well this morning but Aubrey made me toast."
Aubrey.
Okay, now she was jealous.
Aubrey made her toast? She was supposed to be the toast getter! That was one of the benefits of sleeping together; she got to get the fucking toast!
"It's not that big of a deal, Beca, I just have a very unfortunate understanding of throwing up."
Beca just stared at Aubrey. How did she respond to that?
"I'm sorry." Chloe was playing with her engagement ring again, slightly uncomfortable, "I just don't like you seeing me that way. It's not exactly - sexy. We only started sleeping together for what, like ten days or so. I," she gave her a small secret smile, "I want you to keep thinking I'm sexy - at least as long as you still can, Bec."
Aubrey's lips pursed and Beca felt a moment of triumph.
"It's not like that's the first time that I've seen you throw up, Chloe! We shared a toilet once when we both had the flu, remember? We roundhoused that shit."
"Oh god, don't talk about it!" Chloe's face turned purple, "Things are different now!"
"Yeah, exactly! You can't just not tell me!"
"I didn't want you to worry."
"Well, guess what. I worry. About you and Legacy."
"What if it's a boy?" Chloe's frown cracked into Beca's favorite secret smile, "Then what?"
"He would still be a legacy...kind of." Beca watched Chloe's bright face give her that just for her grin. "I mean, Bumper is its uncle."
Chloe's face pulled into a grimace, "I don't know, Beca. Fat Amy might be one of its aunts, but I'm not so sure that Bumper is its uncle."
Beca laughed, wanting more than ever to reach for her, to touch her in some way. "So, can I go with you?"
Chloe chewed her lip, "I was thinking I would go alone, actually."
Beca frowned.
"If it makes you feel better she said no to me too, Beca."
Oh my god, Aubrey, go away! Jesus, dude! This is a moment that you are not part of.
"I was just thinking it's something I would like to do alone."
This kind of surprised her a bit; usually Chloe was the opposite. She used to call her whenever she needed to run errands, just so she could have some company. "Okay, well...okay."
Her stomach twisted again, feeling outside monsters creeping in. It didn't mean something, did it? Aubrey hadn't like - talked her out of anything? I mean, she had barely seen her since Chloe and Aubrey had that talk. Oh shit, that hadn't even occurred to her. Would Chloe tell her? Would she tell her if she decided to step away from whatever it was they had started? Or would she simply let things settle back into the way they had been before?
"I can see you doing that. It's not like that, Bec. I just want to do this for myself."
But now the paranoia was there, "So where are you guys going today?" She didn't want to talk about that in front of Aubrey. She didn't want to talk about that at all. Fuck, had she really felt that awesome sense of domestic bliss a few days ago? Where did that go?
"Not sure yet."
The house was empty soon after and that was fine, she was fine, no big deal. She wasn't feeling totally alone at all. She pulled herself up to her studio, already resenting the room.
She sat in the chair and sighed.
She would just dabble. Dabbling was good, right?
She pulled on her headphones and plugged them into the makeshift keyboard.
She had this.
It was so simple.
What would Chloe say?
Just have fun.
No biggie.
Just fuck around.
She let her fingers fall and what came out were the first four chords of the Super Mario theme. Hmm, somehow she thought that might not help. Or! She could do this whole video game thing. Yeah! Like - her fingers stumbled over the keys. Damn it! She had been put in piano lessons as a kid but she had hated it, her hands were a bit too small to comfortably reach across an octave. She needed to right that, maybe she should start taking lessons. Her job made it so that she could get by but - she wobbled out a very poor intro to 'Heart and Soul' and scoffed.
Anyway. Enough of that.
She tinkered back and forth, hitting a few notes at random, trying a few combinations. She knew it had to be pop-y. The song that took the Grammy the year before had been upbeat and fun as had Amanda's the year before that. It was what was in right now – okay, it was what was in pretty much always. She knew she wanted to give Kendra at least one power ballad somewhere in the album but for now, fun was the answer. She tinkled out a small progression and liked it but it wasn't enough, she didn't love it. Maybe trying to love it was the problem though, how could she love it this early? Then again, she would know when she was on the right path…right?
She hit another chunk of notes at random, amused as she mentally started to compare her drabble to classical music until, chuckling to herself, she was hitting the keys in bold strokes.
Oh my god, I'm a child.
Hmm. The thought sent her mind somewhere else.
She couldn't believe Chloe had kept that from her. She wanted to be mad and to blame Aubrey and her intrusive presence but in reality, Chloe could have told her way before that.
Beca felt unprepared.
Of course, it wasn't really her business to be prepared for Chloe's appointment, right? She wasn't her girlfriend so she couldn't - but – well, she was her best friend so – god damn it, this whole thing was confusing. Either way - what if Chloe was right? They say a mother's instinct is usually correct, what if at some point she had lost this pregnancy too? Beca could get her through that, she knew she could. She was good at trauma. She had barely thought of Jeremy in days; she was an expert at pushing things away. She could get her through this because she was good at Chloe … and at least they would know.
But just in case.
She grabbed her phone and clicked open the Saucey app.
She really just needed to get a fucking car. Badly.
Distracted she spent a while searching through her official paperwork, looking for the name of the last dealership she had gone through when she had bought her car two years before. She called and made an appointment for a few days from then, spending far too long on the phone discussing the type of car she wanted. Nothing fancy, she wasn't really a Porsche kind of woman, not really. She wasn't even sure she could afford one! In theory she wanted a cool car, something vintage and 'Gone In Sixty Seconds'-like that would get her major cool points; but in reality, she knew nothing about cars and didn't really want to spend enough time learning to know what she would want. Could she hire someone to be cool like that for her? Probably but even that seemed like it would take too much effort too.
She hung up the phone and then spent a moment staring around the room. She had been doing something.
Her fingers trailed over the keys again - oh that's right.
She opened the Saucey app and spent another long while looking through the wine selection.
If Chloe was right - which, she couldn't be - this would be how they would spend their night tomorrow. She frowned as she put her desired bottle into the cart and realized Aubrey would still be there. She added two more bottles - then a third.
Why not? Make it a party.
Not that they would need it.
Because Chloe was not going to be right.
She double checked all of that and then ran the order, instructing them to call her when they delivered it an hour later.
Okay so...she looked around. Kendra. Right.
Maybe what they should do is just take one of the sample tracks that Kendra had been toying with and turn it into a hit. She knew that both Kendra and P.J. wanted her to come up with something fresh but was that just wasting a good track? I mean yeah, they were going to use them either way, but maybe Beca should be coming up with the filler stuff.
Except that was totally not what she was paid for.
She let her fingers run up and down the keys, thoughtlessly.
She really wished she had known that Chloe's appointment was tomorrow. She hadn't really known what she wanted to do for her but she had wanted to do something. Granted, it was going to throw a wrench into it that Aubrey was here.
Flowers?
No, too girlfriend-y. They were walking a line. So…
She went to her Safari app and typed in 'What to get for your pregnant not-girlfriend'. The first thing that popped up sent a burst of laughter through her, '10 Dumb Mistakes That Can Get Her Pregnant'. She didn't even want to know.
'Mistake number one: You think having sex standing up prevents pregnancy'
"Oh my god!" Beca cried into the empty room. "Really? Seriously? What are we freaking teaching these kids?"
Twenty minutes later her sides hurt from laughing so hard and she was clicking back to the homepage. "So freaking glad I can't get anyone pregnant," she said to no one in particular and then stopped, rethinking. Guess, that was kind of ironic. No, she didn't have the equipment to get anyone pregnant and yet here she was sleeping with a pregnant woman. Plus...that was probably kind of nice, wasn't it? Penis in vagina and then boom, you are now having my baby. No clinics, no frozen specimen...she had a feeling she was going to wish she had that ability...one day. She had never really given much thought to having kids...or getting married...but lately those things seemed to be in the back of her mind all of the time. She had no idea if it would really be in the cards for her but...it kind of sounded nice…these days…
Then again who would want to deal with her for the rest of their lives? She didn't even know if she wanted to deal with herself for the rest of her life.
Either way she supposed she was about to get to be part of that world soon, at least a little bit. She was going to be able to pretend.
Beca frowned, staring at nothing. Would that get weird? It was probably going to get weird at some point, right? I mean...she had never really seen a pregnant woman up close; why would she have? Eventually Chloe was going to get big - like big, big, right? Oh my god, weird, and then there would be a baby. She was sure that was what happened after pregnancy...baby...she hadn't really thought about it before, why would she? Chloe was pregnant. So what? But right now she was at the cute, maybe she gets sick sometimes, starts eating weird foods type of pregnancy. What happened when she could no longer stand up?
Beca let out a small laugh at the thought of helping a very round Chloe off the couch and that answered her question for her.
Would they still be sleeping together? Would Chloe want to?
Were they in the beginning of a new sexual relationship - and maybe more - or were they closing toward the finish of a fun experience?
Either way, even if Beca just went back to being her best friend, she would be around, right?
Right?
Chloe was back…in her life…now…right? Even if she went back to Henderson the silence between them was over…right?
Right?
Crap.
Distracted.
Where had all of that come from?
She clicked back to the original search page and scanned, leafing through things like 'Surprise pregnancy?' and 'How to tell if your girlfriend is pregnant in six seconds'; clearly this wasn't going to be helpful.
Why wasn't Chloe showing yet? Was it a sign that she was right? She kept thinking she was seeing a slight change, like a softening of her stomach muscles but then she would watch Chloe do her yoga and realize she must have been wrong.
She clicked the search bar and typed 'when do you start to show a pregnancy'.
"Every woman is different. If you're a first-time mom, you could begin developing a baby bump anytime between 12 and 16 weeks. But if this isn't your first baby, you may start showing sooner. This is because the muscles in your uterus (womb) and belly may already have been stretched from your last pregnancy."
Okay, so Chloe was never going to show then because she didn't have a six-pack or anything like that but she was solid muscle and there were plenty of lines and indents that hinted that she could have one if she decided that she wanted one. Watching her do yoga only proved that point since, you know, Chloe liked to defy the laws of gravity as she did it.
Beca felt her face flush as she thought about it.
Okay, not where her mind needed to go right now. Fuck. But of course her brain didn't listen, sending her flash after flash of images that did anything but help the flush recede from her cheeks.
Okay. Focusing!
She stood, pacing with her phone in her hand and went back to the search bar, typing in 'what to get for your pregnant best friend'.
Oh shit! She had totally gotten distracted from what she was actually supposed to be doing, hadn't she?
She put her phone down and turned back to the keyboard, taking her seat.
It wasn't really an option to just use Kendra's sample track, she knew that. She had to come up with her own. What she should do is listen to a few of her favorite songs and see if she could build anything off of that. And if she couldn't then she should listen to a few of the other tracks she had produced and see if anything came to her.
She plugged her headphones in and clicked to her favorite go-to song; immediately the smooth beat began to fill her ears.
She liked this. She wanted something kind of sexy. Kendra had made 'Flashlight' so cute and sweet; maybe sexy was the way to go this time. Kendra wasn't exactly a frilly, silly little girl; she was a sexy woman. They should use that.
And sex sells.
Boy, does it sell.
Absentmindedly she picked up her phone, her head bobbing to the beat.
She clicked over to a new song and then without thinking hit the Safari app. The page she had opened to a few minutes ago popped up. '20 gifts pregnant women actually want'.
"Jesus! Errr..." She scrolled through a little overwhelmed. Pregnancy clothes, oils, and ointments; specialty pillows, babysitting coupons, specialty pickles. Awww, babysitting coupons.
Oh god, babysitting coupons.
One of the very few things Chloe seemed to have actually decided was that she wanted to stay in L.A. That made Beca the go-to babysitter, didn't it? Beca and Emily. The thought filled her with a light happiness, so simple and easy - and yet, a horror so thick that she wanted to run and hide.
She had literally never held a baby before. Ever.
Shit, was there a class she could take?
They were so small and fucking breakable. What happened if she dropped it? Chloe would probably be mad if she broke her baby. Crap.
She scrolled a little further, "Fuck!" How the hell was she supposed to know what to get? There were like gazillions of things here! How was she supposed to know about any of this?
The song ended and the next on the track started to play automatically but Beca didn't notice.
Her phone began to buzz and she ran downstairs, surprised with how quickly the order had gotten there. It couldn't have been an hour, could it?
She wasn't huge on red wine but she knew that Chloe liked it and so did Aubrey. She grabbed the step stool that lived in the corner of her kitchen and climbed it so she could get to the top shelf of her kitchen cupboards where she usually kept a few bottles of wine. Hopefully no one would notice them up there - if Chloe came back with good news tomorrow.
Which she would.
Okay.
She ran through specialized chocolates, slippers, and for some reason, ladybug themed everything as she climbed the flights back up to the studio. Jesus. What fucking happened to something simple? How was she supposed to know which baby sarong Chloe was - shit!
She had lost her focus again.
But the afternoon went on that way, distracted and annoyed.
Nothing was coming to her.
Eventually she got so mad at herself that she took her phone and brought it all the way downstairs, leaving it on the living room table before sprinting back up like it was going to eat her if she didn't move fast enough.
That worked for a while, she fiddled with a few more songs but then she found she was just fidgeting with everything around her; the pencils, the speakers, her shoes.
She was halfway through reading the inside jacket of her Limp Bizkit CD when she groaned.
What the hell was wrong with her?
Then she heard her phone going off downstairs and of course it was the one personalized sound that would make her go get it.
"I'm sorry we haven't had a lot of time together recently. I promise to make it up to you soon okay, baby?" Beca's heart gave an excited little squeeze. She loved the familiarity, she loved the pet name, she loved the subtle hint that she would get to feel her wrapped around her at least one more time...because she never knew, not with the strange limbo they were living in. She was willing to be cool and just let it happen, but the promise was kind of nice. A second text appeared on her screen, "In the meantime, we're picking up dinner. Is there anything specific that you would like?"
"Dinner? It's fucking dinner time?" She cried to the empty house, spinning around to look at the clock. "How the fuck is it almost six?" Oh god, she hadn't done anything of worth at all. Fuck. She replied quickly and then flew back up the stairs.
For a little while, she did actually get some work done. She got down a few chords that she liked together. She had no idea where they were going to go or what they were going to do but they sounded...kinda cool...ugh god, she needed better than 'kinda cool'!
"Hey."
Beca looked up and tried to give Chloe a smile but it came out as more of a grimace.
"Going that well, huh?"
"Pretty much. What's up? How was your afternoon?"
"Good. We went, well, a lot of places. I'll tell you when you're not working. Are you hungry? Can I bring you something?"
Beca frowned, shaking her head.
"Are you sure?" Chloe's cool hands wrapped around the back of her neck and Beca groaned as the thumbs dug in. "You should eat something."
Beca just let out another groan, enjoying the firm pressure of her fingers as her mind began drifting again to what she did want; which could be summarized in one word: Chloe. Her face must have been obvious because she saw Chloe blanch.
"I'm sorry, I want to, I really want to, trust me, but-" Beca watched Chloe's throat bounce uncomfortably. "I just need to eat something."
"Is that kind of a thing? The empty stomach thing?"
Chloe nodded, "And pressure. Every time I press on my stomach I-" her throat worked again.
"Okay well go eat. I'll see you later, okay?"
Chloe nodded, taking a second to let her finger trace down the shell of Beca's ear.
She shivered.
Okay. Back to work. Nooooo, we're not thinking about that right now, not thinking about the way that little touch made her feel, nope, thinking about music...and Kendra...and P.J….okay. She was good.
But the night was not a profitable one.
She spent far too long up there doing everything but bashing her head into the wall. She hadn't even realized how late it was until she yawned and had to stretch, her back cramping from sitting in the chair too long.
Fuck. Everyone was probably asleep.
She fell into bed, annoyed and proceeded to toss and turn for the rest of the night.
She woke up the next morning very late and stumbled down the stairs, hoping to catch Chloe before she left for her appointment and knowing that she was probably already too late.
She yawned, zombie like, scratching her stomach as she came down the stairs and frowned as she heard Aubrey's voice coming from the kitchen.
"Mmmm," Aubrey purred, "and then what?"
It wasn't until Beca was at the bottom stair, her finger rubbing her eye - that she processed the words - and tone.
"Uh-huh. And? So that would be - after, right?" Aubrey let out a small laugh. "Because - yes, exactly."
Beca scowled. Okay, what was she hearing right now? And then her eyes flew wide. What was she hearing right now? Flashes of Aubrey's guilty face as she sat sprawled across Chloe's floor popped into her head and Beca vaulted forward, all but sprinting around the corner.
Relief washed over her when Aubrey and her phone dropped to the counter with a loud clack. Aubrey scooped it up instantly, "I have to go." She breathed into it, "I have to - yes. Yes. No. No, I'm not - I'm not saying that. I'm not -" Aubrey's cheeks went pink. "Right. Yes. Goodbye." She hung up the call and said in a brisk voice before Beca could speak, "You look like crap, Beca, everything okay?"
Beca just gave Aubrey a tight smile, "So who was that? Didn't know you were seeing anyone, Aubs."
Aubrey's eyes narrowed, "I'm not."
"Oh yeah?"
Aubrey's eyes narrowed, "Leave it to you, Beca, to -"
But Beca held up her hand, cutting her off. That's right, she had forgotten. They weren't friends. Right. "You know what? I don't need to know. Whatever. Chlo gone?"
"Just a few minutes ago." Aubrey said, sitting back down, "She said to say she hopes to be back by three at the latest."
"You seem comfortable." Beca sighed, and simply because she knew it would annoy Aubrey she lit a cigarette there in the kitchen. Childish but satisfying. They really had reverted, hadn't they? Beca could be interjecting her version of 'Bulletproof' into Aubrey's set right now and it would be just as relevant.
"I am, thank you." Aubrey was propped on a stool with a magazine open in front of her, as if she had been reading before - whatever that phone call had been - happened.
Beca took a long drag, throwing open the windows so it would air out properly.
"How is the song coming along?"
Beca scowled as she poured herself a cup of coffee. This time the question didn't sound like a personal attack. "Oh, so you're going to be nicer to me now that Chloe isn't here? Is that how we're going to play it?"
"What?" Aubrey waved her hand in front of her face, clearing away the smoke and giving her a signature Aubrey glare. "I'm sorry, have I been rude?" Aubrey gave a small, dramatic cough, "You are sleeping with my best friend, doesn't that give me some room to be critical?"
"My best friend too."
"Yes, well, now you get her all to yourself all of the time. I'm not giving up my friend, Beca. I'm not giving up my place in her life."
"What?" Beca nearly choked on her drink, "Aubrey, no one wants you to! Literally no one has asked you to! Stop acting like you and I were never friends. I wouldn't ask you to leave my life or hers! No one is kicking you to the curb just because she and I slept together a few times. Come down from the cross, Aubrey, God! Jesus, dude!"
"Stop trying to be self-righteous with me, Beca. Sleeping with Chloe doesn't make you an expert on her. You don't actually get to know her better, you know. Having sex is just that, having sex! That's all. Any of us could do it!"
Beca scoffed, none of this even made sense. It was all from left field. Her responses didn't even make sense to what Beca was saying! Plus...if she were a Chloe expert - she wanted to argue that in reality it was the years and years of friendship that had done that but instead she snapped, "Well, you've done your job well because I'm not having it recently sooo, yeah, thanks for the clitoference." She gave her a quick sarcastic wink and started back up the stairs. No way was she going to stay down there.
She didn't even mind that she and Chloe hadn't slept together in a few days. She wanted it, yes. She had only just begun; she didn't want to take a four-day long break. But what was really starting to bother her was Aubrey's attitude.
Something was going on with her...Beca just couldn't place what.
She sat back down at her soundboard and spent a second looking over it.
She didn't really want to be there.
She was back up in a second.
She needed a change of scenery.
Sitting here wasn't going to do anything.
She almost called a cab the second she walked from her building, but the thing was she didn't really know where she was going to go. She could go into work but what she wanted was distraction.
Fucking Aubrey, what the fuck was wrong with her? She was still fuming.
She heard Aubrey's words, but she just couldn't believe that was what she was actually upset about. There was something else there too.
And okay, she got it, Beca as a person was easy to leave behind, this wasn't new to her. But how the hell had she mattered so little that Aubrey could just go nuts like she clearly was - it just - how did - she hadn't even - ugh - fuck it.
So she started to walk.
You know, it was almost like Aubrey was jealous.
Actually, knowing Aubrey she probably was jealous. Not romantically - she hoped – god she hoped. She remembered the guilty way that Aubrey had stared back at her from the floor of Chloe's room - the way she had looked a little bit like the cat who ate the canary – the way her eyes had flicked guiltily to Chloe, still sleeping in bed.
The thought was uncomfortable.
No way! No freaking way! She had to be making that up, there was no way!
Aubrey probably was jealous. She was probably jealous that it had happened outside of her control. Neither of them had consulted her before jumping into bed together, neither of them had needed her for this.
Maybe jealous wasn't the right word.
Maybe she was just a fucking tight ass micromanaging control freak.
She crossed the street and scowled, lighting a cigarette. She didn't like that she wasn't there with Chloe right now. Between Aubrey in her living room and Chloe at the doctor, she just felt twitchy like she hadn't had enough coffee.
But - her feet stopped, distracted out of her thoughts.
The storefront was adorable, little hippie clothes five times smaller than the average shirt, books, stuffed animals and every type of adorable baby thing.
"Dude!" Chloe would love this crunchy hippie shit. Oh my god.
She didn't even think about it. She put out her cigarette and stepped inside.
That shop had been like a vortex. She had no idea how long she had been in there but she did know that the longer she was, the higher in pitch her internal monologue had risen until she was walking around squeaking like a mouse. Everything was so fucking tiny, I mean damn. She knew this thing would be small but holy crap.
And everything in there had been so soft. She wanted to touch all of it. It all was freaky soft, didn't matter if it was toys or clothes or blankets.
It had been really hard not to buy like - everything. She had told herself she would not get clothes, that was Chloe's jurisdiction and she was just there to get a friendly 'hey best friend, yay baby' gift. Just one. Nothing big.
...She had walked out of there with a handful of things.
First was a book on moving past lost pregnancies that the sales woman swore no one ever read but was the best. She wasn't sure she could get Chloe to read it but she was still going to try. She had also bought a cream that could be rubbed on Chloe's belly to help the stretching skin - she had stumbled over this one, wondering if it was too intimate but...she would have been the one to apply it pre-sex anyway, right?
And before she could stop herself she had bought a pair of shoes - a tiny pair of baby-sized high top Converse because oh my god every baby needed that. They were so freaking fucking tiny fucking cute and adorable and oh my god, she couldn't help it. It was out of her hands. They had flown to the register by magic, she hadn't even made that choice, it had just happened. They fit in her freaking palm and their little laces were like three inches long, oh my god.
This was all blowing her mind. She had never thought twice about babies or kids before this. What the fuck was happening to her?
Then at the register, she had happened to glance over and there was this little stupid fucking fox, this tiny little stuffed fox with bright orange and white fur and this happy little grin and she had snatched it with a groan.
Fuck.
She chuckled to herself, checking the clock again.
She couldn't even feel bad.
She just - she would never go into that store again.
Because she couldn't handle herself.
Clearly.
She shifted in her chair, jotting down a few more notes and put the little stupid fucking cute fox back into her lap.
It wasn't her fault! It was just so damn snuggly! It might be the softest thing she had ever touched.
What the hell was she supposed to do?
"Ugh god!"
She let her head fall to the desk. She was so lame.
Though that wasn't even half as lame as how hard her ears were perked, listening for the sound of the front door. Aubrey hadn't been there when Beca got back, instead there had been a note informing her that Aubrey was down in the second-floor gym. Beca hadn't even known that her building had a gym, let alone one on numerous floors but whatever; it was good to know.
The music had been flowing better since she got back too. She had most of a chord progression and it was kind of cool, edgy and - something - she didn't know. She wanted to celebrate but having the chord progression for the background music was the tip of the fucking iceberg.
Her head snapped up and she listened, holding her breath. She was sure she had just heard the front door click closed. "Hello? Chlo?"
Silence.
Damn it.
It was a pretty cool piece of music, if she could get the rest of it up to par.
She was still worried about this stupid song, but her walk seemed to have helped. She just, she needed to decompress but she had no idea how to do that. Why couldn't she be one of those girls who could hit the gym for like an hour and suddenly every problem in their life was better? She would be so ripped!
Door?
Noo, hearing shit again.
Her stomach swirled as she thought - yet again - about how little time she actually had. She wouldn't let herself count the days, she wouldn't. Plus, there was no real hard and fast rule. Her next meeting with Kendra wasn't until the end of October but P.J. liked to hover on things like this. He would probably start poking around within two or three weeks which meant she needed to have the rough version done before then. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, fuck. That was so soon.
Okay, that had definitely been the door.
"Hey!" She heard Chloe's gentle voice floating from downstairs and she was up. But wait, no, she paused and sat back down, hugging the fluffy toy to her chin. Was it lame to come running? No! Totally not lame. She sprinted and tripped and fell down half of the stairs before she stopped, yelping and catching either side of the railing. Yes, lame. Totally lame.
"Hello? Beca? Brey?"
She would just go slowly.
She took the next two stairs at a snail's pace.
Oh god, totally lame. She turned and sprinted back up, hearing Chloe's feet on the first-floor staircase. She wasn't lame. She was good. It was fine. She wasn't overeager at all. She took a deep, fast breath and tried to resituate her hair. She hadn't just gone running and then running the opposite direction. She was good. She was cool.
She shoved the book and the fox under the desk, remembering that she didn't know how it had gone. Chloe's voice didn't sound unhappy but who knew. She waved her hands at her face, trying to cool her cheeks.
Ugh god, you suck.
"Bec?"
"Hey! You're back!" she called, spinning toward the door and hoping she looked - I don't know, cavalier? Um, not like she spent all day waiting for her to come back and then went to a baby store and then freaked out when she got home. Nope. She was cool. Calm. Mildly indifferent.
"Hi." Chloe took a deep breath as she came through the door and Beca did her best to read her expression. She was smiling, just it wasn't the giant smile she could produce...but she didn't look like she had been crying either.
"How did it go?"
Chloe reached into her pocket and handed her a small piece of paper.
"What the hell, this looks like a Rorschach te- OH MY GOD, IS THIS YOUR BABY?"
Chloe's hands folded in front of her, almost shyly, "Uh-huh."
"CHLOE!" Beca was up, grabbing the woman in a bear hug, "I told you that you were still pregnant, you freaking dork! Oh my god!" She noticed that despite her hug Chloe's fingers were hovering around her throat. "Why are you nervous?"
"What? I'm not." Chloe scoffed, her eyelashes fluttering.
"Chloe!"
"I just-"
"You're still scared."
"I-"
"Oh my god, Chlo! I get it but holy shit, right here," she held up the sonogram, "that's your baby! Holy shit!" She looked at it again, knowing her eyes were huge, and then up to Chloe - and Beca could have lived in the laughter Chloe let out. "Holy shit!" She wrapped her in a hug again, holding her tight. This time Chloe wrapped her arms around her as well. She pulled back just enough to look at the little black and white sonogram again. "Oh my god, it looks like a deformed potato!"
"It does not!"
"So wait," she felt Chloe turn to look as well, pressing her cheek against Beca's, "what am I looking at?"
"That right there is the head, and that's the belly and that right there, that little bump is the nose."
"Whoa." Beca blinked, a little dizzy.
"They said that I'm eleven weeks."
"So Nick was right then."
"Yeah, I guess he was," Chloe grinned, rolling her eyes. "He will be very pleased to know."
"And?"
"And. I'm eleven weeks. They said that they can often tell if it's a boy at this point and they couldn't so -"
"So it's probably a girl?" No really, why was the room spinning so much? She felt like she did just after each competition when she was waiting to hear whose name was going to be called as first place.
"They don't know for sure but there's a high chance."
A girl. Holy crap, a little girl. A little tiny freckled, redhead Chloe in miniature.
"Bec? Are you okay?"
"What? Yeah, totally."
"They said I'm due in March. March 30th."
"March?" Whoa, she needed to sit down.
"Beca! What's wrong?"
Beca had sat back down hard in her seat with a little moan, "What, I can't get a little emotional about my best friend's baby?"
Chloe dropped to her knees, leaning on Beca's thighs and grinning like an angel.
God, she was adorable. "Eleven weeks, huh?"
"That's right."
"Out of how many again?"
"40."
Wow, that uh, that wasn't a lot.
Beca had to blink, shaking her head a little to clear away the fuzziness, "Wow, Chlo. Are you happy?"
"I'll celebrate when I'm passed my D&C date."
"Chloe-" Beca wanted to scold her, to yell at her for always being so negative but instead she bit her tongue. God that was weird, Chloe not being a ball of optimistic sunshine. "So I might have done some shopping today."
"Shopping?"
Not wanting to break contact with her she reached behind her, searching and pulled out the stuffed fox.
"Oh my god!" Chloe cried at a frequency that only dogs would be able to hear.
"I named him Roger," Beca said because she couldn't think of anything else to say. "And," she pulled out the book, "the woman at the store says that this book is great. I'm not saying you've been pessimistic or anything but you should, uh, read this, maybe? She said it really helped her and it's supposed to be, like, I dunno, really funny and really practical. You haven't read it, have you?"
"Oh, Bec!" Chloe heaved a sigh, taking the book, "No, I haven't read it."
"What's wrong?"
Chloe's eyes narrowed as she thought, "I just - this isn't something I need to move past. Beca, there's just no point! I'm not going to keep this baby. I'm not even letting myself get attached. This is just part of my life. And -"
"Oh my god, Chloe! Come on!"
"I just know!"
"But you don't! That is the whole point of this book! You're just afraid, what the hell! What if you do? Hmm? What if you keep this baby?"
Chloe smiled, "Then that would be amazing."
"Maybe you will! But if you do, you will have spent the entire pregnancy refusing to acknowledge it and that just, I don't know, that seems like a waste to me." Chloe gave her a small amused smile and Beca scoffed, "Yeah, exactly! You're forcing me to be the optimistic one!"
"It's good for you."
"Look, just - read it. Even if you don't keep this one it will be more information for the next one."
"Beca," Chloe's head fell to Beca's thighs with a groan, "I'm divorcing my husband. There isn't going to be a next time."
"So? There are, you know, other ways that you can have a kid. Okaaay, don't make it weird, that wasn't what I meant!" Chloe's eyebrows had just shot high as she giggled, biting her lip, "Look, look at Roger, he's so cute!" Beca finished, her heart pounding against her ribs, trying not to internalize anything that had just happened. "This is weird to say since it's you know, you, but you have to stay positive."
"You're right." Chloe gave her hand a tight squeeze, "You're amazing."
Beca grinned down at her. Wait. They were alone. Could someone please tell her why she wasn't kissing her? Right now? "Com'ere."
Chloe's smile grew, brightening significantly, "Wait." Her hand shot out when Beca was a millimeter away. "MmmMm," her lips curled in on one another with a headshake.
"Really? Noooo! This is the first time we've been alone in days. I want to kiss you somewhere!"
Blue eyes flashed and Beca flushed, "That too."
Chloe pretended to think about it before gently tapping the side of her neck, already purring softly.
Beca bit her lip, she wanted to attack like a starving man at his first meal in days but instead she leaned in and very softly ran her nose under her jaw, "This okay?" Chloe just purred louder so Beca ran her lips lightly over the small mole there, kissing it and up to her jaw again. "Chlo," she said in between kisses, speaking the words into her skin, "I know that - it's been - really hard to - go through this every – time and I – can't talk because – I don't know – what that's like - but - you're missing out on - this pregnancy."
Chloe's hands closed over her knees, leaning up a little higher, "Mmm, that's nice." So Beca didn't stop there, pulling her in by the back of the head. Damn it, she wanted more. She nibbled lightly, enjoying the strong sound that came from her. She pulled back, so Chloe had to all but scramble part way into her lap to keep the contact. "Ahh, I know - that you're oooh, right-" she tried to speak through her breathy hitches, "mmmm, but - it isn't - easy, right there, ahmmmm...oohhh, that's good - that's -"
Downstairs they heard the front door close again and Beca groaned, refusing to give up the little bit of skin she was allowed, sucking at her pulse point until she heard Chloe cry out and then sucking harder. She pulled again and Chloe scrambled, pushing herself into her lap, straddling her in the chair.
"Jesus Christ," Beca groaned, moving down her chest and purposely cupping her breast, wishing more than anything that Aubrey would disappear right now so they could continue.
Chloe hissed, her head flopping forward as her hands closed like claws on Beca's shoulders.
"Sore?"
Beca felt her toes curl as she watched her lick her lips, eyes closed. "Yes."
"Better?" She moved her fingers lightly, barely touching and Chloe's mouth fell open.
"Oh god, that feels amazing."
"Chloe?" Aubrey called from below them.
"Oh god, is she coming up here?"
"Yeah." Beca groaned, pulling away breathless.
"We could just let her find us like this." Chloe chuckled, her fingers playing at the back of Beca's neck.
"Ha, I bet she wouldn't come up here again."
Chloe let out a whine and pulled herself away, standing and straightening her shirt.
"How's your stomach?"
The only answer she got was a scrunched up nose.
"Something I can do? Can I make you a snack?"
Chloe grinned, "Sure," reaching for Beca's hand.
"Oh there you guys are," Aubrey smiled as they appeared in the doorway.
"We were going to have a snack."
"Great! How was it?"
The three tramped down to the kitchen, Chloe still holding Beca by the hand as she filled Aubrey in.
"Awe, this is cute." Aubrey fluffed the fox's fake fur.
"His name is Roger."
Aubrey tensely laughed and then scowled, "My goodness, I can't leave you two alone for a second."
Oh shit. Beca followed Aubrey's eyes to the small red bruise on Chloe's neck. Oops. Sorry not sorry, the sound she had made when Beca had done that had been well worth it.
She really had to stop doing that.
"What's wrong?"
"You've uh," Beca swallowed down a laugh, "got a little decoration there."
Chloe touched her neck and to Beca's surprise, she just grinned and bit her lip.
