Jess shifted slightly on the couch, looking down at Rory who was still nestled to his side, his gaze soft. She blinked up at him as he moved, smiling her own soft smile. Her hair was drying and curly, her face a fraction less grey, much to Jess' relief. They had been sitting in silence, Rory holding his hand, for a long time. He bit his lip as she looked away again, resting her head back down on his chest.
Jess hesitated before he spoke, not wanting to disrupt the peace. But he felt he needed to say something. "Let me know when you want me to leave, okay?"
Rory laughed a little, squeezing his hand, shaking her head. She looked up at him upside down by tipping her head back. "With you here, I don't feel like this city is out to destroy me."
He tried to smile, but her statement bothered him. "Maybe you should take some time away. Take a vacation from work. Go back to Stars Hollow. I bet it would make you feel better."
Rory laughed once without humour. "No – it wouldn't."
"Why not?" She had turned her head away from him, refusing to turn it back.
She shrugged non-committally. "I don't feel at home there, either."
"In Stars Hollow?" he asked, surprised. "The most wholesome, cookie-cutter place on Earth?"
Rory sighed, dropping his hand so that it fell limply to her side. "I haven't lived there for a long time."
"Nor have I," Jess said, "But every time I go back, it still feels like home." Jess wasn't talking about Stars Hollow, but Rory didn't know that.
She tipped her head to look at him, again. "To Stars Hollow?"
"Always felt more like home than this place. Must be the small town charm."
"Or the people that love you," she said, holding eye contact for a moment. Jess watched her as she eventually blushed and looked away. "Maybe we should go back, then."
"Together?" he asked, surprised.
There was a smile in her voice as she said, "It would give Taylor a heart attack."
"Then I'm in," Jess laughed instantly. "But maybe you should go back on your own, first – Lorelai misses you, Ror'."
Rory stopped laughing, falling quiet, before squeaking, "Yeah, I know."
"She misses you so much that she keeps bothering me of all people to get info on you," he laughed again, nudging her playfully, trying to stop her from getting upset again.
Rory smiled at him distractedly.
"I feel like an echo," she told him, looking away. Jess couldn't argue with her. She was an echo – all of her vivacity, noise dampened.
"You fixed that once already. You'll do it again."
Rory sighed. "Last time I had a reason. This time, I'm just lost."
"You're not lost." Jess took his arm from around her and sat forward, away from her. He was beginning to lose patience with her self-pity. "Being lost has nothing to do with it," he said in frustration. "You're trying to perfect something that can't be perfected – life is not perfect, Rory. No amount of trying will make it be. I'm not saying 'accept your lot', because you already have all these amazing things in your life, so that point is ludicrous. But you need to accept that you are someone who will never feel … complete. You always strive to be better, and that's such an amazing thing, and that's why you've always been such an incredible person, but your life will never be perfect. Nothing is missing from you, Rory. Stop feeling so empty. Snap out of it. This … this, lying in bed, missing work, crying – it's not you."
Rory bit her bottom lip, her eyes wide and full of tears, staring at him, her eyes shifting from his left to right. She looked so tiny on the couch next to him. Then, biting particularly hard on her lip, she spat, "Nothing missing from me?" her tone scathing. Finally, some life behind her eyes. Jess almost sighed in relief.
He matched her tone, even though he still felt quite calm, "What exactly is missing, then, Rory? A white picket fence?" He watched her as she tried to bite back her next words, her eyes battling with her thoughts. Her hands were balled into fists, her knuckles turning white. He decided to play with fire. He wasn't being vindictive – he just wanted her to feel anything but sad. If anger was all she'd give, he'd harvest it until she threw him out. "Or maybe it's that dick with a Porsche. No? Well, it has to come all the way back down to Farmer John, then."
She was shaking her head, her eyes burning in rage. Finally, after a few more moments of silence, she exploded. "How dare you attack me, Jess? How dare you bring up Logan and Dean? You left – that was why I was ever in the position to get back with Dean, and then be with Logan. You don't get to be a bastard about that – you just don't!"
"Then tell me," Jess said, touching her arm so that she would flinch away. "What's making you feel like this?"
She laughed. Jess raised his eyebrows at her in surprise. "Unrequited love, obviously," she told him, glaring at the wall opposite and slumping down in the couch cushions.
He frowned, turning to look at her, bracing himself. For what, he didn't really know. He just felt the atmosphere shift and had the sick, foreboding feeling in the pit of his stomach that she was about to destroy something, glass ornament in the air from her hand. He couldn't speak, so he waited. When it became clear after a few moments that she wasn't going to continue, he choked out a "What?"
She was crying again, but these were angry tears. Her face was red with frustration. "You're an idiot," she retorted. She glared up at him, and he saw in her furious, tear strained face that Lorelai had been right. She may as well have punched him in the stomach. "Seriously, an idiot." Her eyebrows had inclined in upset this time, and Jess held her elbows to stop her turning away.
"Rory?" he asked, his mouth dry, staring at her, trying to speak to her without saying anything.
"Let me go, Jess," she said weakly, pulling away.
He let her, and he scrubbed his hands over his face, pulling at his hair. He didn't know what to make of the things she wasn't saying. He didn't know whether to kiss her or run. Oddly, it was a choice that always hovered around them. His track record was repugnant – he chose wrong every time. He couldn't choose now – not now, after everything. Not now, with all there was at stake.
"Tell me, Rory."
She sighed, and shook her head. "What's the point?"
He felt like saying 'Fuck, there's every point!', but he doesn't. He just watches her calm down. Instead of saying what he feels, he apologises, saying, "I'm sorry I pissed you off. I didn't mean it." She nodded, but stayed silent. "I just can't stand you being sad. I'd prefer anything to sad."
She laughed a little humourlessly. "I suppose I should have realised that that was what you were doing."
"Probably," he smirked. Serious again, he murmured, "You'll feel better, Ror'."
She nodded, looking at him. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous and … weak. I never thought I'd be like that."
Jess smirked. "You? Weak? Aren't you Wonder Woman?"
She laughed too, "Where's that lasso ..."
"That's the Rory I know," he said, nudging her shoulder with his.
"Shall we watch something? A movie?"
"Sure. You choose."
She put on Almost Famous, smirking, and settled into his side when she returned to the couch. "Geez," Jess said, laughing. "I feel seventeen again, don't you?"
"Definitely," she smiled.
-break-
Jess left after the movie ended. It was an awkward encounter, really, but Jess knew that he wouldn't stay away for long. Not when she was like this.
"Hello?"
"Hey Lorelai."
"Update?" she asked without any preamble.
"As far as I can tell, there's a combination of things going on. Drag her back to Stars Hollow. She needs time away from the city," he told her, "time away from the people in the city," he continued, meaning himself, pinching the bridge of his nose as the subway car rocked on the tracks away from the station. If truth be told, Jess wasn't sure he was ready to throw himself back into a relationship with Rory – if that was what she wanted in the first place, Jess couldn't actually be sure. Rory had changed so much that maybe there weren't the same circumscriptions, being with her anymore. Of course, it was pretty laughable that Rory would do anything casually. And it was laughable for him, too. There was no-one else on the world that he could be less casual about than Rory Gilmore.
"Did she tell you?" Lorelai asked with apprehension – he wasn't sure who for, though.
"Not in so many words."
"And you left?" Lorelai asked shortly.
Jess bit his lip, glancing around at the subway car to see if anyone was listening, before saying, "You know what I really, really hope for, Lorelai? That loving her would be enough. But it's not – it never has been enough. I'm not enough for her. And I'm not saying that in a self-pitying way. You know it's true – she has too much … heart, soul, whatever you want to call it. I love her – God knows – but I'm not enough for her." Jess was thankful that he was saying all this to a mostly empty subway car, and a telephone receiver. He'd never been good at expressing his feelings. He could remove himself from the fact that Lorelai was listening. Like in his writing, he could remove himself from the fact that maybe someone would read it.
"You sell yourself short."
Jess laughed without humour. "No. I don't."
"Okay, Mariano, then tell me this – if not you, then who? Because you're the only one Rory has ever dated that actually understood any of this. Even Rory doesn't understand this."
"I'm not ..." Jess trained off, dragging a hand through his hair.
"Loving her is enough, Jess." Lorelai ended the call, or the subway did it for her. He sighed, staring at the call ended screen on his phone, before eventually sliding it back into his jacket pocket.
When he got back to the store it was past midnight, but Chris was still awake, charcoal all over his hands and some on his face, having obviously been sketching. He looked up when Jess threw his keys on the coffee table and slumped down onto the second hand sagging couch they'd bought from Salvation Army.
"Rough night?" Chris correctly predicted. Jess nodded, looking up at his friend briefly, tiredness ridding him of all his normal wit and bitter humour. "Is she okay?"
Jess' eyes dropped to the crappy rug they bought at Ikea and shrugged. "I hope so. I'm trying to send her home – to see if her Mom can help."
Chris nodded. "That sounds like a good idea."
"I want … Mostly I want to keep her away from me."
Chris frowned, leaning forward towards Jess, looking at his charcoaled hands, spreading the black marks slightly in thought. "Is that what's best for her?"
"I have no idea," he sighed.
"The way I see it is that if she's loved you for this long, she won't stop just because you send her back to Connecticut. Didn't you go all the way to California once? Did that make you love her less?"
Jess closed his eyes tightly, trying not to feel the immense pain he felt in his chest looking out at the Pacific in those few months he spent there. He wondered whether Rory was in that amount of pain. The thought made him jump from the couch as if he'd been electrocuted. Chris fixed him with an apologetic look, and Jess made his way to his room, sitting on his bed, turning his phone over and over in his hands.
Biting his lip, he resolved that he would text her.
Ror, if you're still awake, give me a call. I need to -
Before he could finish, or send it, Rory's name flashed up on his screen. He clicked the green phone, answering her call.
"Hey," he answered nervously.
"Is this a bad time?" she asked, immediately. She sounded much more like herself.
"No," he told her, shaking his head.
"I wanted to tell you that you were right – that I should go home for a while. I'm heading there tonight. I'll decide what to do about work when I see Mom."
"Let me know how the pro/con lists turn out, " he teased, his nervous energy relaxing a little.
It spiked again when she didn't laugh, and said, "Jess, I know you don't want me to say what I'm about to say, and I know it might affect you negatively – and hey, why change the trend of our lifetime, huh? I'm sorry, I really am, but I love you. I love you."
Jess couldn't speak for a second, even though he knew already. Hearing her actually say the words was … unfathomable. His mouth went completely dry and he lost the ability to form coherent thought. It was the first time she'd ever said that to him – the first time she hadn't ruined it with words like 'may have'. The first time that there was no doubt that she actually said the words to him – rather than a silent line that he had been on the other end of.
She hadn't paused long for his reply, but she quickly deduced (correctly) that he couldn't speak. "I'll … uh … I'll speak to you when I come back?" she squeaked, giving him an out. He didn't want an out – not exactly. He just wanted a second to wrap his mind around the thought of Rory loving him – actually loving him back. In his past, he had never believed that that was a possibility for him. Not really.
"Ror'." His voice came out roughly – the emotion of the moment was affecting him. He had a fleeting sense of embarrassment. She exhaled slowly over the line, probably wanting nothing more than to end the call and run to her Mom. Even Jess wanted to do that, and he didn't exactly have a stellar relationship with Liz. But they both stayed on the line, neither breaking the silence for several moments. Jess steadied himself. "I'll see you when you come back. Let me ..." he swallowed the lump that was in his throat. "Just let me know."
He didn't want to say it over the phone. That wasn't Jess' style. He needed to hear her say it – see her say it, read her eyes as she said it – to be sure it was real. To be sure she wasn't falling back on to him for support, as she had with Dean. He couldn't be a placeholder. It couldn't be toxic. It had to be real – for both of them.
"I'm sorry, Jess."
He was dead serious, almost annoyed, when he replied with, "Never be sorry, Rory. Not for that."
"I feel sorry." Her brutal honesty wounded him. She didn't want to love him. Yeah – that was about right. Finally, everything made sense. Jess could feel himself shutting down, closing himself off from her, fucking hating her, fucking hating the world, fucking hating himself.
"Feel better," he told her, his voice dead.
He hung up.
-break-
A/N: That felt like the natural place to stop for now. Sorry this is so short. And moody. I don't think I'm actually capable of writing anything happy … :/. I'll get there once I've shifted through Jess' cynicism and Rory's turmoil. I've been promising that for a while, huh? It'll happen. I just want a natural transition. I know sometimes it's nice to pretend that life can be cut out of a fairy tale. This really isn't a fairy tale. :').
I hoped you enjoyed this, despite it being fairly depressing. If you did, please drop me a review. I keep meaning to reply to those who write detailed, lovely reviews. I promise I'll start doing that, because I know how much effort goes in to that, and I really, truly appreciate it. You guys are the reason I still write.
Thank you. xxx
