Chapter 16
Magic Beans (Part II)
As it turns out, Jamie and Eddie are not the only Reagans with a little bean on their mind as Linda reveals her previously repressed feelings to her husband and the two of them have much to discuss both before and after a decision is made regarding what to do about it. Dedicated to everyone who requested a continuation of the Danny and Linda storyline from "It's all in the name…"
Daniel Reagan gave a heavy sigh as he parked the green Jeep in the driveway of his home in Staten Island and dragged his tired body up the steps towards the front door to let himself in. He knew it was well past dinner and frankly late enough for the boys to be soundly asleep in bed on a school night, but he and Baez had caught a last-minute break on one of their colder cases and the execution of a well-timed search warrant had led to the arrest of their prime suspect. Chalk another one up for the good guys, he thought wearily as his key turned in the lock and he opened the door to find the love of his life gathered up in a tight ball on the right side of the couch with a big glass of Merlot in one hand while she was paging through some of her beloved scrapbooks with the other.
"Boys in bed?" he asked as he stowed his gun and warm raincoat in the closet, still inwardly chilled after a cold damp late October evening on the street.
"Yes," she revealed as her fingers trailed down the page in front of her; it was Jack's first day of kindergarten and there was a picture of him sitting in the front seat of the bus waving nervously while Danny was holding a two-year-old Sean sitting on his shoulders so he could see his brother through the window. How different would things be now if they added another to their circle, she thought. Jack would already be off to college by the time such a day would arrive for another, and Sean would be an upperclassman in high school… probably too self-involved by that point to stand at the bus stop and watch as a little brother or sister took their first big public step towards independence. A baby arriving now would be more like an only child with late-stage parents. She took another long sip of her wine.
"There's a plate made up in the fridge, you just need to warm it up… we had meatloaf and potatoes," Linda advised as she turned to the next page. First soccer game this time and a funny ironic Jack-o-lantern smile with a number of missing baby teeth staring back at her.
"Thanks, babe," Danny offered as he raised a suspicious eyebrow at her despondent tone and his glance slipped down to see what she was looking at while he made his way over to give her a quick kiss on the cheek. The damn baby books… he should have guessed what the fallout would be based on the photo attached to the message he received earlier from his brother, proclaiming "Hi, Uncle D!" It sure didn't take first grade detective skills to see where his wife was at with that news.
"So we finally got the guy that was knocking off all the late-night pharmacies," he deflected as he walked in the kitchen to heat up his meal. He reached for a longneck instead after opening the fridge when there was no response to his attempt at small talk and he twisted off the cap, flipping it with great accuracy into the trash before returning to the living room to join his wife on the couch. This was the sensitive Daniel Reagan that was present now, the one that recreated long ago date nights and memorialized them in books just like the one his wife was staring at. In fact his little crafting masterpiece had finally been completed with the inclusion of their portrait from the renewal ceremony after the wedding as the final prints had arrived just yesterday at his office in a thick, white envelope from the photographer, but he had yet to bring home his gem; figuring things were really solid between him and Linda at the moment and Danny always seemed to find himself in need of a get out of jail free card… or bail fund… at any given time. Tonight was shaping up to be one of those evenings though. The couple had long held a debate as to the size of their family, with Danny and common sense winning out thus far… two healthy boys to be thankful for and a load of private school debt in their wake from a pair of moderate salaries in an expensive city. It only made sense to stop there, still he knew Linda had always longed for one more in her heart, but now… it was finally out of the picture, he thought. They were both in their early forties and Sean and Jack would soon be off through high school and beyond… there was a whole next stage that his wife could immerse herself in… dating, college, weddings, eventual grandchildren… it was more than enough for them, but he just had to make sure she understood that. Damn, tonight would have been a good time to whip out that book about just the two of us and distract her, he thought with regret as it was still locked in a drawer in his desk at the 5-4.
"I take it you ran into Jamie and Eddie at the hospital today," he prodded as another glance showed she had switched over to the Sean edition now, all chubby and flushed while bawling in that white family christening gown just after the Father had dipped his head in the font during his baptism. "I heard the kid nearly needed a tranquilizer before it was over."
"He's just nervous and excited," she chided as she flipped to the next page; a pained and comical expression on Sean's face as he sat at his preschool graduation in a cardboard hat with a little curly redheaded girl latched onto his arm in a tight hug. Sean was always the reluctant ladies man, Danny grinned. "You remember what it was like when we found out," she added wistfully.
"I do," he acknowledged. "I also remember the path we wore into the carpet every night when Jack was colicky, and the projectile vomiting Sean did when Grandpa was feeding him those little cherry pies he was allergic to that we didn't know about. I had to repaint half the walls in the house. None of that stuff is in your books, Lin," he added as he tipped his beer back and took a long deliberate swig. "But Jamie's gonna find out all about it too. They're damn lucky it wasn't more than one. Can you imagine my brother trying to clean up after two or more at the same time? He'd have a meltdown. It worked out with Kaylin… she was already basically housebroken by the time he got her."
"Danny, that's rude and besides, it's all part of it," Linda reminded as she reached forward and refilled her glass from the half-empty bottle on the coffee table. "Everyone is different… no two people are the same. That's what makes it special. Imagine all the stuff you would have missed out on if your mother had given up and not gone through what she did for your brother."
"Yeah, but that was different though," Danny argued. "Mom and Dad both wanted another, and it was a physical problem… they had the means though, Linda. If we had the same I would have never cared if we had two or ten, but it's just not responsible to put ourselves further down a hole. We just got to a point with the boys and even with Pop offering to help out with their college funds, we're still struggling with both of us working. It was the right decision back then and it's the right one now," he added in an attempt to cut off any further travel down that road. This same conversation tended to come up whenever the topic of babies hit close to home. "Plus at our age… starting over… we'd be in our mid-sixties before it would be just us again," he added as he slid closer to her on the couch. "C'mon, Lin… honey, I know you always wanted a girl, but there's Kaylin in the family now and whatever little one is to follow. We can spoil them rotten as much as we want, and still hand them back over whenever it gets messy… it's perfect. Someday we'll be grandparents if the boys ever get their acts together. In the meantime, you and I can enjoy each other… maybe take some trips on our own. We got married so young and then Jack came along right after I got back from those two tours overseas…"
"I can't help how I feel, Danny. I've pushed it away all these years. Everything you say makes perfect sense, but..." she teared up. "Now I feel like it's our last chance," she sobbed into his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her. "I was so jealous of Eddie today… I know that's wrong and all, but these feelings came on so strong… It was like my heart was tearing in half. I just feel like someone's still missing here."
"Linda Bellis Reagan," Danny sighed as he drew her close and kissed her forehead. "I know, honey, and I'm so sorry that I couldn't give you everything you've wanted all these years. It was my fault with the job… I was never ambitious enough to pull ahead once I made detective and Dad moved into the big chair. I'm a grunt… always have been. Moving up through the ranks and pay grades just wasn't what I focused on. I'm just the guy that stays on a case like a pit bull on a T-bone… Plus, Linda… we're both getting up there now. Doesn't that mean that more things can go wrong? I just got you back," he added before a long pause as he hugged her tighter. "After the shooting and all that went on last summer…" he trailed off as he remembered how close their marriage had come to being yet another casualty of two terrible days thanks to Curtis and Jared Quinlan. "It would kill me if anything happened to you," he admitted.
"Are you calling me old, Daniel Reagan?" Linda bit back in a soft voice as she sadly wrapped her arms around him and snuggled in. As hurtful as this conversation was, she was grateful he was being thoughtful in his response instead of going off the wall and putting his foot down with a firm "We're not even considering this!" like all the times previously. His points were certainly fair ones and there had been a great deal of improvement in that aspect of their relationship after the rockiness of the year before.
"No, I'm callin' me old," he laughed. "You're timeless," he added with a self-satisfied smirk at that classic save. "But it matters, right? I mean the chances of something going wrong go up now. Maybe we need to be happy with the two healthy children we have. And we're not the only ones to consider. What about the boys? Is it fair to them?… They're gonna need us the next few years if it's anything like what I went through at that age… if we try, and something happens to you... I could've ended up on the wrong side of things if I wasn't lucky and my parents didn't stay on top of me, especially my mom… even with two other brothers and a sister in the house. You weren't there that night when Jamie came… he was too early and she started bleeding. I remember how scared my dad was… I had to call for the ambulance. We could have lost both of them..."
"Danny…"
"Oh, no... Lin, honey… don't… please," he begged as she continued to let big crocodile tears roll down her cheeks and his heart broke. "It was just seeing Eddie that way today at the hospital that has you all wound up like this again."
"No it's not," she confided as she wiped her eyes. "I haven't been able to get it out of my mind since the wedding… before she got pregnant… you know how much I've always wanted a little girl, Danny. I kept picturing our own all dressed up with flowers and bows at Jack's wedding and then later… all the girly stuff that Eddie will be able to do with Kaylin, just like Erin has Nicki… I've been drowning in testosterone in my own house for all these years," she sighed. "I've tried being 'that' aunt for Nicki and I love her, but she's grown up now and it's not the same… I can't be part of her life in that way, that's a mom's job."
"Well, unless things have changed since back in the day, or you're talking adoption like with Kaylin, that's not your choice, is it?" Danny asked with a heavy resigned sigh. Here was his wife, the one he loved with all his heart and who had supported him in so much during their lives together… giving up dreams and security so he could follow his own calling, and now all she was asking is that he consider doing the same for her while she assumed all the risks. "There's no guarantees you'll get what you're praying for…"
"That I can accept, Danny," Linda promised with a small tinge of surprise as she sat up and looked directly in his eyes, hope evident in her voice now as she never expected there would even be so much as a sliver of light behind that door… she had assumed that it was completely closed and locked tight now… that all this today would just result in a needed emotional purge once more. "Really?"
"You know this is such a bad idea, right?" he sighed and conceded as he reached forward for the bottle of wine which quickly became much lighter with several large swallows taken down directly from it. With Eddie pregnant and a constant reminder to Linda of the ticking clock and her deepening need, Danny knew this time the feelings she was having would not pass by lightly. "I have to at least be able to say I was drunk when I agreed to it… you know my family, they're going to demand an explanation," he offered as he looked at the label. "Gonna take something a lot harder than this to get the job done, though. What's the first step?" he asked as he swirled the remaining contents around again. "Or do I need to pick up a bottle of tequila like the kid?"
"Danny, I don't want to say anything to anyone, especially the family," Linda begged as her heart started beating faster; she wasn't imagining things… he was really agreeing to this. "Not even the boys at first… if things don't work out… I don't want to have to explain."
"So we keep it on the down low," he agreed. "Then what? Shouldn't you go get some kind of checkup or have the doc sign off or something?" he asked as he took the glass out of her fingers and moved those precious books out of the way before slipping a hand behind her back and underneath her shirt. "Or do we just move ahead to the fun part?" he continued as he nuzzled her neck with soft kisses. "I'm game right now... better take advantage of me while you have the chance."
"Daniel Fitzgerald Reagan," she pushed back on his shoulders as those cold hands came around and worked their way underneath something else now that it was loosened. Danny always had a gift for dexterity when it came to getting that particular item undone, something she had found out on that third date night after dinner at Grandma Betty's house when he had sweet-talked her into a kissing session with a play for second base in the backseat of Henry's old Studebaker in the garage instead of walking down the street for a cone of promised ice cream. "We should talk to Dr. Geisner first," she murmured as her heart pounded and she shivered as those hands slipped lower. "It's not that time now anyway," she revealed while returning his kisses that now deepened.
"So we need to practice," he insisted as he stood up and pulled her to her feet. "Let's take this upstairs, Mrs. Reagan."
"You're sure, Danny?" she stopped him with a hand on his chest. "I mean we're in a good place now, I don't want to do anything to mess that up or bring something else between us…"
"We're good, Lin," he assured as he stroked her hair and pushed it back behind her ear. "This is something I know you've wanted for years and if it makes you happy, nothing's gonna come between us again, alright? I promise. We'll make it work somehow… we always do. What about me? Do I need to go see anyone? I mean I know I've got the easy part..."
"Easy," she laughed quietly as they continued to take the conversation upstairs and into their bedroom as he closed the door and locked it before pushing her down on the bed and removing his shirt. "All you needed to do with the boys was look at me the wrong way and pass out the cigars nine months later."
"Well maybe that was our problem," he murmured as he continued to undress her and the sight of her laying naked on the bed like that excited him like no other woman ever had. "Girls must take a little more work. Flowers and stuff like that beforehand… maybe some Marvin Gaye in the background for good luck like that damn cat, huh?... Call the doc," he advised for one last assurance before the talking stopped and the love and passion they still felt for each other took over. "If she gives us the all clear, we'll try and see if Pop will get another one of those great-grandbabies he keeps talking about."
###
"Mr. and Mrs. Reagan… Oh, it's you, Linda," Dr. Geisner added in surprise as the couple walked into the room. "Well, this is unexpected," she greeted them warmly from behind her desk. "Seems like we've had quite the run of visits from your family this week. Nancy said you requested a consult?"
"Yes, um, about that. If we could please maybe keep this between us for now," Linda asked as she and Danny took their seats and she grabbed his hand. "I mean I know Eddie and Jamie will be coming in regularly since she's pregnant…"
"Of course," Dr. Geisner assured knowingly as she took out her notepad. "What can I do for you?"
"Well, we are considering trying for one last baby ourselves," Linda admitted as she blew out a small breath. "I know I'm over forty now and…"
"We want to know if it's safe for her," Danny interrupted as he cut straight to the chase, having thought of nothing else since that little conversation and the ensuing bedroom encounter three nights ago.
"Well, as I'm sure you are aware," the doctor started. "Birth rates have increased dramatically for the over-forty set in recent years. There's never been a better… or safer time for it. A pregnancy by a mother in your age bracket has nearly the same odds of being healthy as that of a much younger counterpart, however as we move into the golden years of baby-making, or "advanced maternal age" in doctor-speak… the chances of pregnancy complications creep up ever-so-slightly," she informed them. "First we have to realize a woman is born with a lifetime supply of her eggs, so they age right along with us. Though the vast majority of them continue to be released without incident, the closer we get to the use-by date shows a slight increase in the risk of certain problems. For instance, while a twenty-year-old mom-to-be has a one in 10,000 chance of delivering a baby with Down syndrome… a genetic condition caused by the presence of an extra copy of chromosomes, a forty-year-old's odds are one in 100. While the chances of having a completely normal baby are still heavily in your favor, if you are successful in getting pregnant you'll be scheduled for prenatal testing that can identify Down syndrome and other chromosomal abnormalities… that's routinely ordered for older moms… just to be on the safe side."
"One in a hundred," Danny considered carefully as he had not realized the odds were that dramatically different. Having a healthy baby at their age would be a strain, but a special needs child would amplify that even though he knew there was such a risk at any age.
"Yes, and secondly we have to deal with the fact that as women we're not spring chickens anymore either. Older bodies are, in general, somewhat more susceptible to a variety of health issues, including high blood pressure and diabetes… which puts older expectant mothers at a slightly greater risk for the pregnancy-related forms of these conditions like preeclampsia and gestational diabetes, and which gives your practitioner another reason to pay closer attention to your pregnancy. Preterm labor is also slightly more common in over-forty moms, as is having a baby that's small for gestational age, yet another reason for all the extra scrutiny. You'll also be more likely to require a C-section or assisted delivery with vacuum extraction or forceps, for example, particularly if you've delivered by that method before. I see your youngest son required an emergency section."
"He was a big baby and got stuck. I wasn't making progress with the contractions before he showed signs of distress," Linda admitted with a frown while recalling that disappointing and stressful time.
"Well, to be safe we would likely schedule that again," Dr. Geisner revealed. "But you have the experience and know what to expect with it. The good news is that if you start off your pregnancy in good shape and keep yourself in tip-top form throughout… and as a nurse you know how to do that: eating well, exercising regularly, getting all those tests that are recommended, you'll do just as well as your younger pregnant friends, and, once the delivery is behind you, you'll have years more experience and wisdom to offer that precious little person you've just brought into the world."
"So what you're saying though is that there are more risks for both Linda and a potential baby," Danny questioned with renewed concern as his focus narrowed. "What about the odds for, you know… her getting pregnant in the first place? You said her eggs are older, what about my… I mean like she said for the boys, all I had to do is look at her the wrong way and hand out the cigars when it was over."
"Likewise, the quality of the male contribution decreases with the years," the doctor informed. "As a man ages, it generally takes longer for his partner to get pregnant. There's also an increased risk of not conceiving at all. Whatever the age of the mother, the risk of miscarriage is higher if the father is over 45. The children of older fathers are at greater risk of autism, mental health problems and learning difficulties."
"Whoa," Danny sighed with regret as he squeezed Linda's hand and gave her a sad glance. "Maybe we should have done this before… I'm almost 42 already… honey, I don't want you to go through something like that because of me."
"Danny, we knew that waiting this long might make it harder," Linda answered. "There are risks for everything, but all my tests have always been clean… I'm probably healthier now than I was in my twenties," she assured.
"I can see I've given you both a lot to think about," Dr. Geisner added. "My advice is to take what you've learned and talk to each other before proceeding… weigh the risks and benefits carefully. I believe in informing my patients on either side so that they are comfortable with the decision going forward. Please know that the vast majority of births such as these are without complications unless there are pre-existing conditions behind them. Is there anything else to consider?" she asked as she made a few more notes.
"The bullet," Danny revealed suddenly. "When she was shot down in the ER last year," he explained gravely with a sudden flashback to that time. "The fragment was lodged near her spine and they left it there because it was supposedly safer… her doctor… Dr. Jacobs, he said it was probably not going to migrate, but…"
"It's on the right side near L2. Dr. Jacobs said paralysis is not likely, and it hasn't bothered me a bit after I finished PT," Linda revealed with as much of an unconcerned spin as she could muster. Surely that incident had been put behind them and was in the past now after all they had been through the last eighteen months.
"Well, the sympathetic nerves from T11 through L2 control your uterus, cervix and some other reproductive structures," Dr. Geisner replied thoughtfully as her pen flew across the paper once more. "If you haven't noticed a change in your regular cycle since then it is likely there was no significant damage, still if you would like I can consult with Dr. Jacobs and review your films from that incident..."
"Please," Danny answered quickly for both of them as suddenly there were more than enough doubts for him to regret that moment of weakness when he had agreed to this in the first place. "What about that in terms of carrying or delivering the baby? Could it matter?"
"That's a bit of an unknown without further input from your neurosurgeon," Geisner advised. "If an evaluation suggests the possibility of an underlying neurologic condition, a number of tests can be performed to assist in diagnosis, such as nerve conduction studies. Essentially though if the organs look and are performing normally, there probably will not be any negative consequences."
"I don't know about this anymore, Linda…" Danny trailed off with worry evident and the doctor could clearly read the great disappointment on her patient's face as she had been quiet for the last several moments and the tears began to glisten.
"Let's schedule another appointment in a week or so," Geisner offered softly to pacify her. "That will give me time to speak to Dr. Jacobs directly to come up with a plan of action, and for the two of you to digest all the things we've discussed here today. I commend you for coming here as a couple. These are certainly issues that need to be considered together before a decision to move forward is made, but as in everything there are often other options to consider if needed once we have the facts… be it basic fertility treatments or something as involved as surrogacy if necessary. There is still a very good chance that everything is as it should be and you can successfully conceive and carry a healthy child on your own without any intervention. We're just going to have to do a bit of detective work to confirm that first, okay?"
Danny and Linda both nodded at that resolution and quietly left together after thanking the doctor and stopping at the receptionist desk to arrange a time for a follow-up consultation for the next available date the first week of November. It was certainly a more subdued Mr. and Mrs. Reagan that held hands as they passed the waiting room with its already expectant mothers and made their way down the hall to the elevator just as Jamie and Eddie had done happily only a few days prior. Unlike that excited kiss the younger couple shared as the doors closed, there was instead only a few muffled sobs as Danny sought to console his wife.
"Honey, please don't cry," he pleaded as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder while they waited to get off on the ground floor, and he ushered her quickly out of the front doors towards the parking garage and away from a potential sighting by any co-workers. "Like she said we don't know the facts yet, and there are things we can consider if we have to. I don't want you to give up on your dream, but we're not doing this if there's any danger for you," he warned plainly. "The boys and I need you too much to risk that."
So maybe things won't be as simple as a look and a box of cigars this time around for Danny and Linda as there are more things to consider certainly before a decision is made either way, and how will their determination to keep those feelings hidden from the rest of the family affect their reactions to Jamie and Eddie's more open happiness? Next, Sunday dinner that week is unbalanced as the tension remains underlying while the follow-up visit with Dr. Geisner reveals where the older couple will go from here.
