I don't wake up until noon the next morning. I feel my eyes swollen from all the crying. I pull myself out of bed and find myself moving to my bathroom. I look at myself as I stand in front of the mirror. My hair is a mess, and I see just how swollen the area under my eyes are. It's been worse. They should be better after a warm shower.
After twenty minutes in the shower, I get out. I wrap a towel around my body and hair. I look in the mirror, and just as I thought, the swelling went down. Prom night is still fresh in my mind. Usually when I remember it to the full extent, it stays there for a few days. Along with the pain. I really believed Lucas Friar was my person and a part of me still believes that even after everything that happened.
"Riley?" A knock at the door gets my attention.
"Yeah, hang on." I hurriedly throw on the clothes that I have brought with in the bathroom. I move the door to open it. "Mom, what are you doing home?"
"I forgot some paperwork. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, why?"
"I can see it in your eyes. Come here." My mom wraps me into my arms and I melt into them. No matter what issues we have, she has the motherly touch. That magic touch that makes everything okay, at least for a little bit. "Your father told me you saw Farkle yesterday. I guessing it didn't go that great."
I try to laugh to cover the fact that I'm fighting back the urge to cry. "I miss them, mom! All of them. I want to hate the two of them, believe me I do. Instead, I find myself want to call them when something good happens or when something horrible happens." By this point I'm sobbing, and my mom is still holding me. "When Maya walked in, my first instinct was to march right over and slap her right across her face. But then I wanted to pull her in and never let her go." I take a deep breath. "When I saw Lucas and those damn eyes of his, I wanted to leap into his arms and hold him as tight as I can. It scared me because as soon as I looked into his eyes I knew that I had already forgiven him. What's wrong with me mom?"
My mom grabs my face and wipes my tears away with her thumps. "Oh honey, there isn't anything wrong with you. You miss them, but you are still hurting. You have to worry about yourself right now. Yes, years have passed, but there is no measure on time to says this is how long you can be hurt for. You need to fully heal and until that time comes they just all have to wait."
"Thanks mom."
My mom holds me for a moment longer. "I am so sorry, Riley."
"For what?"
"Everything. I haven't been the best mom to you in the past years. I'm especially sorry about how insensitive I was to you that night. It was the night that broke you and I wasn't there." I see tears fall from her eyes, and now it's my turn to wipe them away. "I just assumed that you were going to be okay. I never saw you as anything but a strong person. You're my daughter after all." We both laugh.
"You have always been so good at masking how you really feel, and if you felt like you were getting too much attention. You felt guilty." How could she know that? "I'm your mother. I know my daughter, or at least I like to think I do." She smiles at me. "I know you don't need me now that you are an adult, but I want you to know that I will always be here for you."
"Mom, I'm always going to need you. You're my mom."
She holds me for a moment longer, "I have to go back to work, but how about I come home early. You, me, your dad, and Auggie all go out for a family dinner."
I really didn't want to leave the apartment. "Or how about I cook dinner here."
"Your famous lasagna? We have everything in the kitchen. I was hoping while you were here, you would make it."
"Of course. I'll have dinner ready by six."
"Great." My mom walks to door, "I love you."
"I love you too."
I move to get my laptop from the top of my desk. I swore off work this week. Even though, it really doesn't feel like work because I love it. I still oblige by the rule that I made. So instead of usually my laptop for the work, the way it's normally used for, right now it's going to be used to binge watch Grey's Anatomy. I swear I'm not this lazy, but here in New York it's the only thing I can really do when I barricade myself in this building.
I watch episode after episode. It had to stop binge watching any show once you start. When I finally decide to look at the clock it reads 4:12. I guess time really did get away from me. I barely have enough time to hopefully get it done by six. I throw my hair in a messy ponytail and head to the kitchen.
I place the ground beef in a pan to cook, while I put the water in a pot to boil for the pasta. I move around the kitchen gathering the rest of the ingredients I need. I've been making this since I was a junior in high school.
The first person I ever made it for was Lucas. I wanted to do something nice for him for our anniversary. He bragged about to our friends, and the begged me to make it. They loved it. I continue to move about the kitchen when a knock at the door pulls me away.
Don't let it be Maya or Lucas. I'm not ready. I know I shouldn't be surprise, but I am when I come face to face with Zay when I open the door. "Sugar!" He doesn't waste any time in pushing his way him and hugging me. I can't stop the laugh that escapes from my lips.
"Hey Zay! How did you get in? I didn't buzz you in."
He smirks, "I have my ways. I heard you were in town. I had to come see you. How have you been?"
"I'm doing okay." I walk back to the kitchen and Zay follows sitting down at the kitchen table.
"I see you're making that amazing dish of yours."
"Yeah a much needed family dinner tonight."
I see him swift uncomfortably. "Really, how are you?"
"I've been better." I stay focus on the task at hand trying to avoid eye contact. "Zay, can I you something?"
"Anything."
"How were you able to forgive them? You know Maya and Lucas after what they did, how were you able to move one with it and propose to her?" I ask a little nervous. I'm not sure if I'm crossing over any lines.
"I'm guessing that's why you stopped writing me and hand your parents refuse to take any of my letters." I look at him shocked, but before I can ask how he came up with that conclusion he continues. "You would do anything to make people happy. I know you, Riley. If I pleaded with you to come back, you would have. Not right away, but eventually you would have. Maybe it's a good thing you didn't. You are obviously still hurt." I let out a sigh. I still haven't turned around to look at him as I'm too busy cooking.
"I'm sorry." I did feel bad for just cutting off communication with him.
"Don't be. I understood. As for why I forgave them. It wasn't easy. I gave them the cold shoulder the both of them. But Farkle had enough with splitting his time between the three of us. He locked the three of us in a room in that huge house of his and wouldn't let us out until we talked. Trust me there was a lot of yelling even some crying, but when I finally listened to Maya explain. I understood. I thought it was idiotic, but I understood."
He takes a deep breath and then lets it out. "If I'm being honest here, what happened between Maya and Lucas was completely all Maya. She thought you would be better off without him because of stuff he was into."
I let out a frustrated sigh, "Can you stop tip toeing around the reason and tell me. Farkle won't tell me. Can you at least tell me please?" I look down at my almost finish lasagna. "I'll give you some."
"You don't fight fair Matthews." He laughs. "As much as I want to tell you, I think Maya needs to explain her part and Lucas his."
"I guess I respect that." The oven beeps telling me it's done preheating, ready to finish cooking the dish.
"Can I still have some of that?" He waves his finger around.
"If there are leftovers, but with my savage family I don't think there will be. Maybe next time." He was about to speak, but is cut off by my dad walking in.
"Smells great. I haven't had that since that last time we went out to visit you." He looks at Zay shocked to see him. "Hello, Zay."
"Hey Mr. Matthews. How is it hanging out with teenagers all day?"
"It keeps me young." My dad looks at me. "Your mom should be home soon with Auggie. Are you staying too Zay?"
"I was actually on my way out." He stands up and glides towards me and one again his arms are around me. "Just maybe consider hearing them out. It might just be what you need to move on." He whispers low enough for me to hear. He moves to my dad shakes his hand and then he's gone.
I watch as my dad moves up the stairs as I set the table.
As soon as my mom and Auggie get home, Auggie wastes no time rushing to the table. "Yes! You're lasagna! This might be the only reason why I miss you."
"HA HA very funny. I know you miss me." I say placing a plate in front of him.
When both my parents finally take their normal seats, I place a plate in front of each of my parents before taking my seat across from my mom.
"This is nice." My mom speaks. "Having all of us together."
"I miss you guys so much when I'm away."
"You can always move back." My dad teases.
"Yeah. If it means more lasagna I'm all for it." Auggie says with a mouth full of food.
We keeping talking throughout dinner. We all go around the table talking about our days. There isn't a silent moment. Laughter feels the room and for the first time in a really long time I feel at peace.
I really do miss this, but I can't leave Seattle to come back for a particular reason. It's been my home for the past five years. It's where I escaped to when everyone thought I was going to Berkeley, when I really went Seattle University. The five of them didn't even know I applied there, and that's why they didn't know where to find me.
There is a knock at the door, and my mom us the one to get up to answer it. She opens the door to the point where you can't see inside. My body tenses at the sound of her voice.
"I really need to talk to Riley?" I hear her say.
"Right now isn't a good time."
"Please Topanga. I haven't seen her in years. I miss her." I turn around in my seat, so not I'm facing the door. Please don't give in. "It'll be quick I promise." I hear Maya's voice start to break and I almost jump up wanting to comfort her.
Maya finally realized that my mom wasn't going to budge, but that didn't stop her. Maya pushes her way through, but stops mid-step when her eyes meet mine.
"Riley!" She makes a movement towards me. "I really need to talk to you, and I know that you said that you never wanted to speak to me again but please! I did it to protect you. It was for you." She cries. "If you let me explain, may-"
I don't let her finish. "Maya can you just go." I'm fighting back tears.
"I just need you to know why I did it. I never wanted to hurt you. You're my sister."
I shake my head and my vision is blurred. I want to speak, but if I do I know the tears will fall.
"Maya, you need to leave." My mom says holding the front door open, but Maya doesn't make any movement towards it. She just stares at me. "Now. Don't make it harder than what it is. Riley is hurting enough."
I watch Maya become uncomfortable. She takes a few steps towards the door and turns around. "You are going to know the truth before you leave." She walks about and my mom closes the door behind her.
I waste no time in rushing into my mom's arms. She runs her fingers through my hair. "Thank you for putting me first." I say letting a few tears fall.
"Don't thank me for something I should be doing. You're my daughter." She says wiping my tears, and I can't but hug her tighter. This is all I ever wanted from her.
