Trigger warning: Talks about what happened with Riley's pregnancy.
Today is the whole reason I came to New York for the week, my parent's vow renewal. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know for sure I'm going to see everyone today. It scares me. I've spent so many years hiding, and now they all know exactly where I'm going to be tonight because they'll be there too.
My mom barged in my room at six in the morning basically dragging me out of my bed. She made breakfast while I took a shower, when I finally got out and went down stairs breakfast was waiting for me on the kitchen table.
"Why does Auggie still get to sleep?" I say yawning.
"Because he's more help sleeping. He'll just get in the way."
"Well isn't he lucky. What about dad?"
"I thought I'd be nice and let him sleep a little longer."
"Well what do you need me to do? I'm here to help" I say before biting into a piece of toast.
My mom smiles, "Nothing. I just wanted you to come with me to the salon, get pampered. I made calls yesterday while I was at work, so I wouldn't have to stress about it today. I know everything doesn't start to much later today, but you leave tomorrow and I wanted to spend as much time as I can with you as possible."
"Aw mom!" I rush over to her and hug her. "That's why I'm the only one up?"
"I just wanted you to myself for a little bit. Now finish up and get dressed, so we can get started with our morning."
My mom and I leave the apartment a little after nine and make our way to the salon. The time alone with my mom is something much needed for the both of us. I never realized how much I missed doing little things like this with my mom. The only difference now is, now I don't have to share her with Maya.
When we finally get the salon, I watch as my mom makes her way to the counter to check into her appointment. I told her today was just about her, and that I didn't need any treatment today. She does so much for everyone every day, one day can be just about her.
They take my mom to a chair, since there was no one in the chair next to her I take it. I watch as my mom tells the hairdresser exactly what she wants, and she's very adamant on what she wants no matter what is suggested to her.
"Are you nervous out at for today mom?"
She lets out a small sigh, "I'd be lying if I said no. It's like I get to marry your father all over again. I'm lucky to have a love that your dad and I share. Not everyone is lucky."
"I wonder if I'll ever have that." I see my mom give me a look. "What?"
"Nothing."
"Your face tells me otherwise. What is it?"
She hesitates at first, "It nothing. You'll find it. I know you will." I tilt my head to the side. I want to let it go. I really do, but I think everyone knows by now that I have a hard time letting anything go. "You aren't going to let it go are you?" I shake my head. "I don't want to ruin the day by getting into a disagreement with you." As soon as she said that I knew what she was going to say.
"Mom, you can't ruin that day. I promise, so please tell me."
"I think you've already found that once in a lifetime love."
"With Lucas?" I say looking straight ahead. "Why?"
"For one you have not dated anyone since you left. Maybe you have, but it never turned into anything serious because you never mentioned anyone or introduced anyone to us when we visit you." I take a deep breath. I don't know if I want to hear this. "Riley, the way I catch him staring at you when you weren't looking as if you were his whole world and vice versa. When you would talk about him, your eyes would shine. Seriously you'd be able to light a dark room with them. At first I was little skeptical at first, I thought it was puppy love, but the more I watched you guys together I knew it was so much more. Why do you think your dad was always on edge around Lucas? He thought this was the boy that he was going to lose his only daughter to. I don't think I ever seen you more comfortable with yourself than when you were with him. You really lov-" She gets interrupted by her phone ringing. I let out the breath I didn't even realize I was holding.
I couldn't hear anymore. I knew she was going to say I loved Lucas, but the truth is I still do. I never stopped. It took everything in me not to come back to him. I knew he was my once in a lifetime kind of love.
My mom pulls me out of my thoughts, "That was the hall reception they want me to go down there to make sure everything is set up to my liking."
"What if I go down there for you? That way you and dad see it together. I know what it needs to look like in order to meet your expectations."
She laughs, "Are you sure?"
"Of course mom. I'm here to help." I gesture to your hair that's hair done. "Plus you still have your hair and everything else. I can take care it."
"You're the best."
I let out a light laugh, "I'll head over there right now and meet you at home, okay?"
"Okay. I love you."
"I love you too." I say placing a kiss on my mom's cheek.
I walk out of the salon, hoping it will be easy to catch a taxi. After about ten minutes of trying, I give up. Before I can comprehend what I have to do, I find myself moving in the direction of the subway. I don't know what to expect. I don't know if memories are going to rush to me and if I do, I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together.
When I enter the subway cart, I immediately want to run out. I try to, but I'm too late. I try to keep my focus on the task at hand. Get the hall reception, my mom needs me to do this for her. I should have just waited for a taxi. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle this. It's not that I want to cry, I just feel overwhelmed. I never knew one location could have such an effect on me. I need to get off of here as soon as possible. At least my stop is the next one.
"Riley?" I turn my head in the direction the voice came from and I see the brown eyes genius smiling at me.
"Hey Smackle." I smile back. "What are you doing on the subway? I don't remember you ever riding it in high school."
"I found it's more of a convenient form of transportation."
"We all try to tell you that in high school." She brings her hand to her face to brush hair that had fall out of place. "Smackle, what's that?" I say pointing to the very noticeable diamond on her finger.
"Farkle proposed." I see a smile that I've never seen from Smackle. She is glowing with happiness.
"I'm so happy for you guys!" I say pulling her into a hug. I feel her tense up for a second, but soon she relaxes. "When did this happen? I just seen you guys and there was not a ring on that finger."
"The day that you came over, we went out to dinner that night. It was rather romantic."
"You and Farkle were made more each other." I can't help but feel a little envious. She gets to one day marry the one person she loves. "Now, you and Maya can plan for your weddings together." The subway starts to slow down.
"We all thought you and Lucas would be the first ones walking down the aisle." She says looking over at me.
I turn my head to avoid her gaze. "I thought the same things." I clear my throat and stand up as soon as the subway stops. "I'll see you later."
I hurry out of there as fast as I can. I know that Smackle didn't mean to, she sometimes doesn't know exactly what she says, but I wish sometimes she would just keep her mouth close. Now, I have images of the future Lucas and I have could have had bouncing around in my head.
By the time I get to the reception hall, I'm too distracted with the pictures of what the future could have been. I just want to get in and get out of here. When I walk into the room where the reception is going to be held, I take in the beauty of it all. I love the red and cream color scheme. It feels romantic.
"Hello, can I help you?" A red head asks as soon as she recognizes my presents.
"Hi. I'm Riley Matthews, Topanga Matthews' daughter." I say holding my hand for a hand shake that the red head accepts.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Daisy." She has a welcoming presence.
"It's beautiful for in here. My mom is going to love this."
The red head lets out a breath, "Oh good! That mother of yours is unlike anyone else we have dealt with. She has called everyday making sure nothing will go wrong."
"Sounds like my mother, but really she will love it. It's breathtaking."
As soon as I leave the building, I call my mom to let her know there is nothing to worry about because she is going to love it. She asks me if I want to go out to a quick brunch, but I tell her I have a headache and was just going to go home to take a little nap. I felt a little guilty, but I don't think I'd be able to handle it if she wanted to finish the conversation from earlier.
I'm able to get a taxi to stop, but instead of taking me home, I have them take me to Topanga's. Something was telling me I needed to be here at this moment. I wanted to ignore is, but I just can't seem to.
With each step I take down the steps, I can feel the pace in my heart beat quicken. I have this feeling for a reason, so when I reach the bottom step and find myself standing there looking in for the second time this week.
There I see the five of them sitting down in the same spots that we did in high school with my spot being empty. The café is empty besides them and the employee behind the counter lost on their phone. Everything is yelling for me to turn around and walk away, but I don't listen. When I walk inside, the first person to see me is Zay. He locks eyes with me, but before he can talk I put my finger to lips hoping he stays quiet. It's Zay though, he can't help himself.
"Hello Sunshine." He glides to me squeezes me into a hug. I look over and Maya and Lucas have gotten up with Farkle and Smackle still sitting. They all have the same look of confusion written all over their faces. "What are ya'll staring at? Me and cotton candy face talked we don't have any problems."
"Since when?" Maya says almost immediately.
"Why does it matter?" I snap.
"You won't talk to me, but you'll talk to my fiancé."
"He never did anything to me for me to not want to talk to him."
"When did you guys talk?" Lucas chimes in.
Zay looks between Maya and Lucas, "Okay don't get mad you guys, but I went to see her yesterday."
"So you guys just talked everything out and now you guys are all chummy?" Maya says sarcastically. "You guys weren't the closes when you left, but now he's the one you're closest with."
Farkle stands up, "They're a lot closer than what you think."
"Beloved let's not do that again. Remember Texas? This isn't your secret to tell." Smackle grabs his arm and pulls him back down.
"We don't lie-"
I stop Farkle, "We aren't those people anymore. People lie and if you haven't realized we aren't all friends here."
"What secret?" Lucas ask and I can tell he is trying to keep it together.
Zay and I look at each other. I can tell he wants to tell them and at this point I don't care if he tells them or not. "If you want to tell them, I don't care. I'm not going to stop you."
Zay returns his focus to Maya and Lucas. "When Riley left I got a letter from her, but it didn't exactly stop there. We were writing letter back and forth for a while."
"So you knew where she been?!" Lucas shouts stomping his way to Zay. I can see the rage building in his eyes.
I step in the middle and put my hand up stopping him. My hand comes into contact with his chest and I feel electricity shoot through my body. He looks down at me and I know he feels it too. "H-h-he didn't know where I was. He gave the letters to my parents, and they would send them to me." I stammer at first.
"I asked you over and over again if you heard anything from Riley. We both did." Maya says gesturing to herself and Lucas. "You said no. You watched the both of us cry worrying out her. Wondering if she was safe or not. When you knew all along how she was. You could have eased our minds, but you didn't. I especially needed it after I got that phone call from her a few weeks after she left!" Maya slams her hand over her mouth. She wasn't supposed to ever mention that call.
"At the time, I wanted you to suffer. I wanted you guys to both hurt for the pain you caused me, but for the pain you caused Riley. For God sake you guys made her leave the state and go into hiding all because you had an idiotic idea!" Zay snaps.
"Wait!" Lucas says a little too loud. "You called Maya, but you couldn't call me?!" I don't say anything. I can't answer that question I don't want.
The room goes quiet for a second. No one says anything. Farkle and Smackle are sitting there in their usually spots looking really uncomfortable. Lucas had taken a couple of steps back from me and is standing with his hands clenched into fists. Maya is staring at Zay, and I can see the tears building in her eyes.
"Why did you call Maya?" Lucas' tone sends a shiver down my spine. I still don't say anything.
Maya blinks a couple of times to try and push the tears back and locks eyes with me. "She called me to tell me had gotten her little problem taken care of." I give her a look. Please don't say it. Maya looks at everyone and I know she's going to say it, so I beat her to it.
"When I left, I was pregnant." I keeps my head down because I know all eyes on me. I can feel it. "I thought about it for a couple of weeks." I take a deep breath. "I need a clean break from everything here, I had an abortion." The room goes completely silent. I don't think anyone expected me to say that. "I thought I was able to trust you with one last secret. I guess I was wrong." I say as me and Maya lock eyes. I need to get out of here.
I rush out the door and up a couple of steps.
"I was going to be a dad?" I turn around and I see Lucas with tear forming in his eyes. "And you were going to be a mom?"
"I was a mom Lucas."
He looks confused. "But you said you had an abortion?"
"I know what I said. I didn't have an abortion." I can feel the tears building in my eyes seconds of way from falling.
"Where is he or she then?"
The tears are falling now. I didn't want to talk about this. Not now, not ever. "She." I take a deep breath. "S-s-she's gone." He takes a step to me, but right now I just want to be alone. I dash up the stairs leaving him behind.
I run all the way back to the apartment. I need to pull it together. Today is about my parents, I can't ruin today for them and I won't. I wipe my tear stained face clean before I reached to open the door. I spent the last years pretending I was happy, what's one more day.
