trigger warning: suicide attempt, cancer, death
Neither one of us says anything for what feels like forever. I know he is going to want to know what happened, but I don't want to tell him I don't want to relive it. I, however, don't have much of a choice.
"I want to know everything that happened. I don't want you to hide anything." Lucas commands.
I sniffle, "It's a long story." My words slur a little. The drinks are really start to hit me.
I think Lucas noticed. "I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere." I nod my head and he disappears into the reception.
Maybe I should just leave. I can hide out in my parents' apartment, change my flight to first thing in the morning. He won't know where to find me. I can be gone. It'll be easy, but I won't. I can't do that to him.
"Here drink this." Lucas hands me a water bottle. "Maybe you should sober up first."
"If I sober up completely, I won't be able to tell you." He nods. "So, you want to know everything?"
"Please." I look into his eyes and I see sadness. It's been there since I told him. If I'm being honest it's been there since I saw him my first day back in front of Topanga's. The sadness is just amplified.
I walk more down the hall, trying to get as far away from reception as I can. I still don't even think I should be telling him right now, but it's now or never. I find a bench and sit down and he follows suit.
"Whenever you're ready," Lucas says.
"That's the thing I don't think I'll ever be ready." I take a swig of water. "But you need to know." I take a deep breath. "I'll start from the very beginning, from when I left."
"I was five weeks pregnant when I left. I was actually going to tell you after prom; I wanted one last day I could pretend it wasn't real. I was terrified, Lucas. I was 17, and you were 18, we were not ready to be parents. We had our lives ahead of us."
"No one knew where I went, only some family. But most importantly, no one knew I was pregnant. Well except Maya. I knew I had to tell her something, or she would run to my parents and tell them the situation I was in. They would probably force me home." I take a deep breath. "When I called to tell her I had an abortion, I was on my way to the clinic." My eyes start to water. I can't cry now I haven't even gotten to the hard part yet. "I was going to go through with it. I did need the clean break, but once I got there I couldn't go through with it."
"I glad you didn't." Lucas says quietly.
"Yeah, but sometimes I wish I did."
He looks at me shocked, "why?"
"A lot of heart ache could have been prevented." I choke back the tears that I'm not ready to let fall yet. I look over at him, and he is looking down at the floor. "When I first got to where I am living now, I didn't know anyone. I was living in a tiny studio and jobless. That wasn't how I had pictured it, but I also wasn't supposed to leave so soon. I just needed to get out of New York as soon as possible."
I look over at Lucas, who is still looking at the ground. "When I decided I was going to keep the baby, I had to look for a job. I found one pretty fast. There was a café down the street where I lived. I went in one day looking for a job. It was owned by this nice couple, Michael and Jessica. They really took a liking to me, as I did them. Once they found out I was pregnant, they just grew more protective over me. It was almost like having my parents there."
"Some strangers knew that you were pregnant, but you couldn't tell the people who love and care about you." Lucas snapped. "I would have been there if you just told me. You never gave me the opportunity."
I look down. I feel guilt pushing its way through, guilt that has always been there. "I'm sorry." He doesn't say anything. "I knew if anyone here knew, that they would push for me to come back. Lucas, if I came back nothing would have changed. I was still so mad. I had to fight with myself every day to not come back. It was always an ongoing argument with myself."
I take a sip of water, "I had to fight myself even more as I was getting closer to the due date to not call you. I wanted you there, Lucas."
"You could have had me there Riley!" He shouts standing up startling me in the process. "I would have been there if I had just known!"
By the point, a few tears have fall that I rush to wipe away. "I-I'm sorry." It comes out as a whisper.
He looks at me and takes his seat again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout."
"It' okay. You're mad. I understand. Do you want me to continue?" He nods. "I gave birth January 7, 2021. I fell in love with her instantly. She was half you, how could I not." I see a very small smile play on his lips.
"She came earlier than expected; I wasn't prepared at all. Michael and Jessica helped me with everything. They helped me baby proof the studio, helped me get everything I needed. I don't think I would have been able to do it without them." I see the smile fade and sadness take over. I know he was wishing it was him that was there, I am too.
I clear my throat, "It was winter break when I had her, so everything was easy since I was out of school at the time. But when school started and on top of working, it was too much. She was crying all the time." I choke back tears. "I relied a lot on Michael and Jessica. I didn't have really have friends. People were in college. They wanted to go out, have fun. They were finally away from their parents; they had freedom and here I was the pregnant girl."
"I tried to do everything I could. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I didn't know what I was doing. I remember one night I slept through her crying," tears start forming in my eyes. "What kind of mother doesn't wake up to their baby crying. I hadn't slept in days." Lucas reaches for my hand, but I pull away.
"I was thinking some really scary things. Things that scared myself. I just-"
"What were you thinking?" Lucas cuts me off.
I turn my head to look at him. His eyes lock on with mine. "Nothing."
"Riley, what were you thinking?"
I take a deep breath and open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I just sit there for a minute not saying anything. I can feel Lucas' eyes watching me. Finally, I open my mouth. "She was a month old. I don't know what I was thinking. It was probably because I hadn't slept in a couple of days. I had finally gotten her to sleep. I just wanted it to be over." Tears were falling freely, I hurriedly brushed them away. "That night I took a handful of pills." Lucas reaches for my hands and this time I let him. I have no control of the tears falling. I do nothing to wipe them away, instead Lucas does.
I try to compose myself before I continue. "I wasn't expecting to wake up, I mustn't have taken enough. I woke up to my, our daughter crying. I rushed to her and took her in my arms, and just cried." I started to sob and Lucas squeezed my hand tighter.
"I-I couldn't handle it. I wanted to be there for her, but I couldn't. Who knows what I would have done next to myself or her, if I became overly exhausted again. I was terrified. I talked to Jessica and Michael. I told them I couldn't do it, but I couldn't imagine a life without her in it."
"I knew giving her up for adoption was the answer, but it had to be an open adoption. It was the only way that I was able to keep her apart of my life without being fully responsible for her. I knew it was selfish, but it was the only thing I could think of." I watch as Lucas processes everything. I can't read him, not the way I use to be able to.
"I found out Jessica couldn't conceive. That is when I knew they became a part of my life for a reason. We were supposed to meet. I knew if our daughter was with them, she would be loved for and cared for. She would be treated like a princess. They would be able to give her a family; I'd be able to give them the missing piece to their family." I shouldn't have said that. I immediately saw Lucas' other hand fist up as his grip on my hand tightened.
I take a deep breath, "We went through with the adoption. The only thing I wanted was to be a part of her life, and they were okay with it. I knew there would be questions when she got older, but at the time I just wanted what was best for her and that wasn't with me." I let out a small sigh. "So by the end of February, she technically wasn't my daughter anymore." I wipe away a tear that escaped.
"It gets worst doesn't it?"
I nod, "That May, we noticed she started to get sick. We didn't think much of it at first. It seemed like your typical cold. They watched her fever to much sure it didn't get too high." My eyes are starting to water. "One night I get a call, they were taking her to the emergency room."
"I-I didn't know what to expect when I got there. Michael was in the waiting room while they were in the back. He told me that her temperature spiked and she started to throw up. We waited and waited. We just wanted to know what was wrong. When the results came back," my eyes are burning, "it was nothing what I was expecting. Sh-she had leukemia." I'm in full blown tears by this point.
Lucas pulls his hand away, and buries his face in his hands. I know why he is taking this hard. It's almost like going through it all again. "No, no." It's muffled.
"Do y-you want me t-to continue?" I stammer a little. He nods, I finish the rest of the water left before continuing.
"We started treatment right away, chemotherapy." I couldn't control the tears that were sliding down my cheeks. "Did you know there are only a hundred and fifty case of leukemia in infants a year and they only have a fifty percent case of surviving." I use the back of my hands to wipe away my tears.
"Michael and Jessica were both optimistic when she made it through treatment. The cancer cells seem to be gone." I took yet another deep breath. "Everything seemed to be going okay. She was cancer free. I was going to be starting my sophomore year of college. Life was going to be okay."
"Until one night I was watching her, she looked so pale and her skin was cold. I didn't think twice about taking her to the hospital. My first thought was the cancer came back, I wanted to be wrong more than anything." More tears, "Bu-but I wasn't. I wanted to be wrong Lucas. I wanted more than anything to be wrong." I start sobbing in my hands.
Lucas places a hand on my back. I fall into his touch. "Michael, Jessica, and myself went over our options. We wore them all out, one but one. Bone marrow transplant." I take another deep breath. "I was our only hope and if I wasn't a match I was going to come back and beg you."
"You wouldn't have to had beg. I would have done it again." Lucas says in a whisper.
"The wait for the results seemed never ending, but we got the result and I was a match. We started with the preparation right away with me and with her. I was her last chance." I start sobbing uncontrollably, "I was supposed to save her."
He moves his hand to my shoulder, but I shrug it off. "It seemed to be okay at first. The doctors were optimistic about them outcome, but I couldn't get over this feeling that I felt. It was almost haunting." I wipe my nose. "I wanted my bone marrow to save her, but it didn't."
"It was a last option. There wasn't anything left to do. We watched her slowly die. She was only nine months." Tears don't stop falling. "I couldn't save her. I was her last option and I failed her." I try to catch my breathing. The more I try the harder it becomes. I start to hyperventilate and my sobbing becomes heavy.
Lucas wastes no time in grabbing me into his arms and I fall into his embrace. I haven't felt this safe in a very long time. My face is buried into his chest and I feel his hand run through my hair. I never want him to let go.
"It wasn't your fault." I shake my head, "Riley, look at me." He pulls away a little to look into my eyes. It the first time I noticed how red his eyes were from all the crying. I'm sure mine are just as red. "It isn't. I know you are going to want to blame yourself. I blamed myself after…after my bone marrow failed with my sister." I tighten my grip around his waist, and I feel his both tremble, "Don't blame yourself."
We stand there holding each other for what seems like forever. I don't even want to let him go. I've missed him for five years. I should have never have ran from him.
He puts his fingers under my chin to lift my head up to look at him. He hesitates, "What was her name? You've avoided it this whole time."
"Her name was Hope Olivia Matthews."
He looks at me with wide eyes, "Olivia?"
I nod my head, "After your sister."
His hold on me tightens and I feel him place a soft kiss on the top of my head. "I've missed you so much, Riley."
"I've miss you too."
Some clears their throat. I try to hide my face, whoever it is I don't want them to see me like this. I hear clanking of heels.
"Well isn't this nice." I hear the sarcasm coming from Maya's voice. "You can ta-" I turn around to face her and her blue eyes lock on with my now red ones. "Riles, what's wrong?" I shake my head. "Please, talk to me."
"Can you tell her to go please?" I whisper loud enough for just Lucas to hear.
"Maya, you need to go," Lucas demands.
"I just want to talk to her. Please Riley, talk to me." Maya begs. "I've been missing my other half since you left. You are my best friend. You've always been! Please, talk to me!"
"Maya-"
I cut Lucas off, "I'll talk to you, just not now!" I snap.
"When?" she asks eagerly.
"I don't know Maya, just go please!"
She hesitates before turning on her heels and walking back into the reception.
I look back at Lucas, "Can you please get me out of here?"
"Of course," he says grabbing my hand dragging me away.
