"Hey Carls, what'cha reading?" Freddie asks upon entering the studio.
"Well, I was hoping to help Sam by reading this book on her anxiety to better understand, but it feels like there's nothing useful."
"Understanding Anxiety?"
"Yeah, it's chock full of just tips on what you could say to comfort someone without sounding too, I don't know! You know what I mean, right?"
"Like telling her what she's thinking? Telling her that there's no reason to be anxious?"
"You wouldn't tell her that because I'm sure she's not trying to be anxious!"
Freddie sighs as he pulls a beanbag up next to Carly, plopping into as he sinks down, staring over Carly's shoulder to see in more detail about what she was reading. He grew fascinated, never knowing that Sam was actually feeling weaker than what she was putting out, a hard shelled blonde with a soft center. He thought he could finally understand Sam's motives to be so rough, figuring he was her scapegoat.
"Wow, I never thought of it that way…" Freddie began.
"She's really uncomfortable with this, so just act like you normally would. She feels like a freak right now and I don't want her to feel anymore weird about this than she should. We want to let her know that we're here for her and that it's totally normal, but don't push her." Carly informs him, warning him at the last part.
"It's just upsetting that she acts like she's such a burden. I mean, she can be a pain, but never a burden." Carly adds.
"Yeah; What would I do without that blonde nuisance in my life?" Freddie agrees.
Sam popped in, sneaking behind them unsuspectingly, and grabbing Freddie by his shoulders, causing him to jump a mile high out of his bean bag in surprise, angrily turning around to find Sam laughing as his heart-pounded and the fear painted on his face slowly faded to relief.
"Sam!" He shouted annoyed.
"Gotcha Frednard." She replies amusingly satisfied with herself.
"Speaking of the devil," Carly smirks.
Sam slides a bean bag next to Carly on the left, furthest away from Freddie, and Carly slides the book on her right toward Freddie, afraid Sam would take offense, curiously wondering if she was really categorized that way in Carly's eyes. Sam takes out her gum, reaching over Carly to push the gooey piece of white spearmint behind Freddie's ear, and he wincing at the squishy blob, oozing as Sam's spit ran down his ear.
"Was that necessary?" Carly asks.
"Is he necessary? Why is he here?" Sam retorts.
Freddie sighs as he stands, sliding his bean bag across the wood floor as he drags it behind him, leaving as Carly points to the door, wanting to be alone with Sam. After the door closes, and Freddie's footsteps against the floor fade, Carly looks to Sam as she grabs a movie and puts it in.
"How about we just hang out like we used to." Carly suggests, and Sam stares at her suspiciously.
"Like how? Before or after Lance dumped you?" Sam smirks, and Carly jokingly acts upset.
"So, what have you been up to?" Carly changes the focus.
"Do you really wanna know?"
"Not if it's illegal or harmful." Carly infers.
Sam looks away, sighing heavily as she reaches into her backpack, pulling out a notebook and a blue pen, clicking it as she opened her notebook to its first page.
"Wanna know what's in here? Swear you'll never tell anyone, not even Freddie." Sam glares at Carly in all seriousness and Carly nods.
Inside, in handwriting that looked loopy, nicer than Sam's usual scribbled notes, a page of words, with mixes of curly and print letters in each word lined the page, some of the ink smeared, but beautiful written and still legible.
Day in the life of Samantha Puckett:
Day 1: Trying to understand:
Sam cringes as she watched Carly reading the page, sweating on her upper lip as she fears judgement for the corniness of the title, but rather Carly keeps reading, her eyes buried in the note.
'The earth shakes beneath my feet as I steady them on the floor in front of my bed, the soft carpet weaving itself between my toes. Hesitant to the remaining covers on my bed off my lap and throw them aside, I feel almost ready to face the day as my blanket falls to the floor and my breathing becoming slower and more calm. Upon waking up, anxiety shadowed over me like a large and dark cloud, the feeling of crying choking me, causing my focus to shift to the bad right away, giving my happiness not the slightest chance of reappearing. But as it returns, and the cloud slowly moves away, the floor looking so far away as I stare down at it, hoping to get my thoughts as lost as the fibers in the carpet...'
"Carls…" Sam begins, but is quickly shushed.
"Sam, who knew that you were gifted?" Carly insists proudly.
"It's definitely not from my mother." Sam mutters before being shushed again.
'My reflection stares back at me, copying my every grimace, my every smirk, and even the little thing I do with my tongue on the corner of my bottom lip when I'm thinking about something important, or trying to make a mental decision. Today's dilemma: Sheltering my feelings from my friends, unable to stand to see the hurt that I feel conflicted on them from pushing them away, but my feelings control me and the frustration of never knowing how to help me causes strains in our communication.
It's comforting to know that Freddie is there everyday, and despite us teasing each other and picking at each other's flaws, at the end of the day we realize that neither of us are perfect and we all have our own baggage that we carry, concealing the contents from others, fearing that others will judge you by what you're carrying around.
But the truth is that no matter how hard we try to hide it, it becomes apparent overtime that the baggage really only does you no good, weighing you down, and eventually the weight of it becomes too much, and it breaks under the weight, the contents falling out, and that's when after so long, it all comes out, and you find that you need someone to help you pick up the pieces, and put them back where they belong.
That's what friends do; They dig and dig trying to help you piece things back together and put them back how they belong, without even judging you for carrying such strange things around in the first place. They care enough to actually push you, trying to find the key to get you to open your deepest secrets.'
Carly glares up at Sam, her throat dry as she struggles to even find words appropriate to the emotions and feelings that were strung together in a beautifully written piece Carly never knew that Sam was capable of writing. Upon finishing, Carly reached over, hugging Sam as she sighed relieved, realizing the change she had to make to help better understand Sam, not based on what some books say or said, but to listen to Sam's true feelings.
"Tell Freddie or anybody and you'll be very confused when you wake up tomorrow." Sam warns Carly jokingly.
"Okay, okay." Carly laughs, releasing Sam from her hug and closing the notebook, sliding it back over to her.
XXX
It was a huge moment for Sam who until that moment, was afraid of even planting her two feet anywhere near the school cafeteria after two unthinkable years since she last set foot inside of it, a long time since what she referred to as, 'The Incident' or 'It that shall not be named'. Though Carly had tried to convince Sam from that day that even she vaguely remembered it and so did probably everyone who witnessed, Sam couldn't shake the feeling of something going wrong again and the memory come flooding back, thus avoiding the school lunchroom.
Carly patiently waited in her own for Sam to explain what was making the memory of the incident an emphasis on her fears of the cafeteria, but it never came and Carly would drag her lunch from her locker all the way to the other end of the school to a secluded hallway, promising to sit with Sam in the quiet and small exit space since discovering her mysterious disappearance from the cafeteria after the incident.
But as he fears controlled her and spiraled, the need and want of getting a handle on the fear was becoming necessary and Carly constantly emphasised it. But on her own a sudden compulsion to go burst, and the bottled up fear shriveled as Sam stepped one foot in front of the other, scooping up her things from the hall and shuffling hesitantly to the lunchroom. No one seemed to bat an eyelash at the arrival of the short and shaky blonde entering the room, everyone lost in their conversations and lunches, trying to eat as much as they could while making talk between bites before the half an hour break was over.
Would she stay or would she run from her fears, as she slowly came to the realization that not only she'd have to step foot inside of the room, but also sought for a place to sit, scanning familiar faces to pick out of the large sea of students.
Her left foot stepped out in front of her other, preparing to take the next step when Sam's boot squeaked on the polished tile linoleum and she cringed, her heart starting to race as she felt her face burn and a her thoughts began racing, expecting a few faces to turn around. Without thinking, Sam took a small half step back before fully turning around, making a dash down the hall, searching out her once again safe escape from her cruel mind twisting reality, and irrelevant scenarios pounded in her head of what could happen.
A full step in, a half step back, and a mad dash for her shelter, shielding her fears from harsh reality, the reality of her mind playing unrealistic scenarios in her head, the truth being that none of which she feared had actually happened.
XXX
It lay open on Carly's bed as Sam tapped the metal part housing the eraser on her pencil against her lip, the indents of bite marks Sam had angrily imprinted in it feeling strange against her skin. She stared blankly at the empty page before her, not an opening or idea, not a title in mind, just eraser marks darkening the blank spaces and fading some of the blue lines on the page. She continued to tap the pencil against her lip and on the fingertips of her left hand as she pondered her mind, longing for her feels to just spill.
"Hey Sam." Freddie called upon entering Carly's room and Sam snapped the front cover of her notebook shut, then sliding it beneath a pillow, avoiding Freddie's questioning stare.
"What was…" Freddie began to stutter.
"Mind your business." Sam snapped, rolling forward off her butt, sitting on her knees as she made room for Freddie.
"Where's Carly?" He asks as he plops beside her.
"She's bringing us back smoothies." She shortly informs him.
They sit together, awkwardly blowing air from their puffed out cheeks, as Freddie searches his mind to say what was really weighing in his heart, his unchanged feelings of resentment toward her from years of verbal abuse, but the soft spot he had he felt growing, confusing how he truly felt for her. His feelings of 'like, liking' her were returning but he knew it would only hurt worse if these feelings were only arrossed by his sympathy toward her new anxious personality.
"Sam, how do you feel when you're anxious?" He suddenly mumbles.
"Huh?" Sam asks, taken by surprise.
"Anxiety; What makes you, I don't know, afraid?"
"Why does it matter?" She snaps, uncomfortable by the question she knew even she couldn't explain in words to form an answer.
"Freddie?" She whispers, feeling her heart soften and the annoyance lessen.
"When we were dating, you know how put my feelings out there was difficult?"
Freddie nods, looking at her sympathetically.
"That's how this feels, like i'm crazy, only when we dated you were there, assuring me that I wasn't. With this, I don't feel like anyone can do that, like I don't have the comfort."
"Sam, Carly and I care about you lots, you'll always have us for comfort, even if it doesn't always feel that way. There's always gonna be someone there."
"Freddie, we still care for each other a lot. But if this is a ploy to get me to go out with you again,"
"It's not, but i'm not content just being your friend. Really, I care about you like a brother, and I do really believe that opposites attract."
Sam sheepishly smiles before sudden impulse to lean over and kiss him surges over her. She leans in beginning to purse her lips out, and Freddie without thinking does the same, before both of them pause, nervously laughing as they shake their heads and move back.
"We'll think about this, seeing where trying to get along and solving our own problems takes us first before starting our relationship." Sam smiles.
"Deal," Freddie smiles, resting a comforting hand on her back.
