Chapter Twelve - Expectant


"Anger is like fire.

It burns all clean."

-Maya Angelou


Rick, Shane and I were re-digging the graves that Jim had started the day before. Eleven holes for eleven people. I don't know how he knew, or how he had dreamt something so accurate, but the thought alone that he had predicted exactly how many people were going to die was terrifying.

I forced my shovel in to the dirt, before heaving it up and out of the way, when I heard Rick's sigh of irritation. Shane hadn't spoken a word to either of us since we started, though I guess it was more for Rick's benefit than mine. Shane and I had no problems, but since Shane hinted that Rick was to blame for last night, it was clear that they did.

Rick slammed his shovel into the dirt, and then straightened up.

"Say it."

Shane and I both stopped shoveling, breathing a little harder from our efforts, and I could feel the sticky sensation of perspiration clinging to my body. Rick and Shane were staring each other down, no malice or anger in their expressions, but I realized that I had unwittingly put myself in between them.

"Okay. I'm thinking if you'd stayed here, if you'd looked after your own…Instead, you went off. You took half our manpower with you. I'm thinking maybe our losses wouldn't have been so bad, okay?" Shane confessed, and I looked at Rick nervously. He had been worried about this. That all the guilt, all the blame was going to be dropped down at his feet.

"If we hadn't gone off and brought those guns back when we did, I think our losses would have been a lot worse. Maybe the entire camp."

"I can't believe this," I muttered, earning confused looks from both men. I shot each of them a sharp look before I explained myself. "People died and you are out here playing the blame game, trying to shift your guilt onto each other. Grow the fuck up. Jesus Christ!"

I was saved from having to listen to them argue further, or turn their childish anger on to me, by Daryl backing up to the grave site in his truck, the bodies all piled up in the truck bed. He climbed out and walked over to us, as we continued to dig a little more, the argument not forgotten but pushed aside for the time being.

"I still think it's a mistake not burning these bodies. It's what we said we'd do, right? Burn 'em all, wasn't that the idea?" Daryl commented, and I straightened up, seeing the rest of the group walking up, ready to help with the burials and pay their respects to the dead.

"At first." Shane replied, grunting a little as he lifted up a heavy shovelful of dirt.

"The Chinaman gets all emotional, says it's not the thing to do, we just follow him along? These people need to know who the hell's in charge here, what the rules are." Daryl ranted, though he had a point. We came from a society with structure, with laws and consequences if those laws were broken…now, there was nothing.

"There are no rules." Rick stated, about to turn and continue digging when Lori cut in, stopping at my side with Carl right behind her.

"Well, that's a problem. We haven't had a minute to hold on to anything of our old selves. We need time to mourn and we need to bury our dead," Lori declared, her voice thick with emotion. I nodded, reaching out and taking her hand, squeezing it. "That's what people do."


The burials went quickly. I stood beside Andrea and Amy, the latter in between us gripping our hands as she cried softly. Carol shed a few tears as Daryl and Shane lowered Ed's mauled and mangled body into his grave, but I couldn't muster an ounce of sympathy for Ed Peletier, just for his wife and daughter. They may have been victimized by him for so many years, but they had some love for him as husband and father.

We had a moment of silence for our fallen friends, before we all started to shuffle back into the main camp, except Daryl and Shane who stayed to fill in the graves. I walked hand in hand with Carl, who held his mother's hand as well, down the dirt path back to camp. Rick walked closely behind us, silent until he was certain that we were a good enough distance away from everybody that he could finally air his thoughts.

"Burying other people is bad enough, but the thought of one of us…" Rick murmured, getting cut off by Lori, who was still crying a little, who hushed him. She wiped at her face with her free hand, catching the last tears, and pulled Carl a little closer to her.

"Are we safe now, Dad? Now that we're all together?" Carl questioned, and Rick crouched down so that they were on the same level, and stared at his son with their mirrored blue eyes.

"I won't leave again. I promise you that. Not for anything," Rick promised, and Carl nodded, tearing up, but trying to hold those tears at bay. "Now give us a chance to discuss some things, okay?"

"Come on, kiddo. I need your help with something anyway." I said, about to tug him away from his parents so they could have their privacy, when Rick stopped me by grabbing my free hand.

"I need to talk to you too." Rick said, and I nodded, letting go of Carl.

"All right…Carl, go hang out with Carol and Sophia until I come claim you. I still need your help, okay?"

Carl nodded, and hurried away, leaving the three of us behind. I crossed my arms over my chest, waiting for Rick to speak, Lori mimicking my stance.

"Shane blames me for not being here. Do you?" Rick asked Lori. We had already discussed where I stood on the matter, my answer being that we were all at fault. Lori hesitated to answer, which annoyed Rick, since he knew what her pause meant and he rushed to defend himself. "We got guns now. We're stronger."

"And we have fewer people. That makes us weaker. Do you want me to say I think you were right? I understand that." Lori paused, wetting her lips as she thought her next words through. "All I can say is that neither one of you was entirely wrong. It's the best I can do right now."

"What about the CDC? You both had comments, but you didn't make it clear where you stood on the matter." Rick questioned, and I looked down at my feet. It was a tough call. Benning meant more guns, more food, more protection…but the CDC meant medicine and possibly a cure for Jim. Both sounded pretty good in theory, it was just the other variables that were keeping me on the fence. "We're at the ragged edge here. We need relief, we got a sick man who needs help. I don't know why can't people see that?"

"Well, look at their faces. Look at mine," Lori said, grinning manically. "We're all terrified. If one of us, even if it was T, suggested, based on a hunch, that we head toward that city…you'd have no part of it. Tell us something with certainty."

"Rick and Shane are idiots," I joked, trying to diffuse the tension, and it worked, as Lori chuckled and Rick rolled his eyes at me. "Look, Rick, I'm on the fence, because…we don't have a solid plan. We haven't sat down, discussed each idea, talked through the many variables and decided which one is better for us. I want to help Jim as much as you do…I just don't want to lose anybody else on a pipe dream. I can't place a bet on something when the outcome is too uncertain."

"What about on me? Bet on me, T," Rick pleaded, and I tore my gaze away from him, sighing. I was not going to let his puppy dog eyes crumble my resolve to be diplomatic about this situation. I wasn't. Definitely wasn't. Maybe wasn't. Completely was. I glanced back at him, and he smiled at me, like he knew he'd won me over. "You still with me?"

"Always have been, always will be. Whatever happens," I uttered, glaring at him, as I stewed in my defeat. "But, we're still talking this through. I will back you up, I will sell the CDC, but if the majority votes against us, we listen to what they want. Those are my terms, Grimes. Take 'em or leave 'em."

"Sounds fair." Rick agreed, and I grinned.

"Of course it does. I said it. Now, you two should go see how Jim's doing. I'm gonna go steal your son and use him as child labor." I joked, and Lori just rolled her eyes at me, waving me off as I started down the dirt path ahead of them.

Once back in the main camp, it didn't take me long to find my new worker. He was sitting with Sophia, Louis and Eliza just outside the RV, and they all looked up at me as I approached.

"You kids okay?" I questioned, and they all nodded.

"Carol is inside the RV, looking after Jim." Carl informed me, and I nodded.

"Okay. So you kids are just sitting out here doing nothing?" They all nodded in reply, though looked at me warily, as though I was going to tell them off. "How about you all come help me with my car…in exchange for something sweet?"

The kids all perked up at that, jumping to their feet, looking at me expectantly.

"What kind of sweet?"

"I have junk food in my backpack…it's yours, if you help me out," I sang the last few words, earning myself a few grins. They all nodded eagerly and I gestured to them to follow me. "Okay, so let's get to it. Treats after."

After giving the Jeep a tune-up, I gave the kids their cake bars, letting them fight it out amongst themselves for the one they wanted; chocolate brownie, crunchy peanut butter, chocolate chip, or peanut butter buzz, as we sat down around the small, crackling fire. I watched Lori sharpening the end of a small, thin branch to a point, and wondered if the discussion I had seen her share with Shane had gone badly. Amy and Andrea smiled at me as I took the empty seat next to them, and a grin spread across my lips as I saw Amy wearing my mom's bracelet. She mouthed a thank you to me, and I nodded in return, before focusing on Rick and Shane, who had gone scouting in the woods with Dale, as they approached us all.

"I've, uh…I've been thinking about Rick's plan," Shane announced, and I glanced at Rick, with an arched brow, surprised that he had managed to change the stubborn deputy's mind. "Look, there are no…There are no guarantees either way, as T said earlier, and I'll be the first one to admit she's right. I've known this man a long time. I trust his instincts. I saw the most important thing is we need to stay together. So…those of you that agree, we leave first thing in the morning. Okay?"

"Sir, yes, sir." I replied, surprised at how this had gone. I was sure that we would have a fight on our hands when it came to changing Shane's mind from Fort Benning, and it made me curious as to what had happened in the woods between them to make Shane reconsider.

Whatever it was, I was glad for it. I knew that I'd end up following Rick to the CDC no matter what, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that meant turning my back on Shane. Shane was my best friend too, and even if I didn't have romantic feelings for him, like I did Rick, he was still equally as important to me.

So I was thankful that he had made the decision to come with us, because that way meant I didn't have to choose between them.


Coasting along the 85, I found myself wishing that I hadn't all but shoved Rick into Carol's car and that I'd asked Andrea and Amy to ride with me instead of with T-Dog. Driving in the isolation of the Jeep, it was hard to not let my mind travel to what was troubling me. After the attack two nights ago, we had lost eleven members of our group.

This morning, we lost four more. Morales and his family decided to leave to go find their family members in Birmingham. It was sad to see them go; Morales was a good man, determined and strong, a good protector and his wife and kids were much beloved by the other families in our group too. It was hard, because, I knew, in the back of my mind, I'd always be wondering if they made it or not, or if they ended up like Jim's family; ripped apart and devoured.

A honk pulled me out of my head, and I focused on the road, noticing that Shane was slowing down in front of me. The RV had stopped, and I could see the grey-white smoke billowing out from it from where I was. I pulled over with the rest of them, climbing out my Jeep and heading towards the front of the line, where everybody was crowding around the front of the RV.

"I told you we'd never get far on that hose. I said I needed the one from the cube van." Dale complained to Rick, who ran his hand through his hair in frustration before placing his sheriff's hat back on his head.

"Can you jerry-rig it?" Rick questioned, and Dale sighed.

"That's all it's been so far. It's more duct tape than hose. And I'm out of duct tape." Dale explained, and I shook my head, turning to Shane, who was scanning the horizon up ahead for somewhere we could find a van or a car we could replace the hose with, or even more duct tape.

"I see something up ahead. Gas station if we're lucky." Shane announced, but before anybody could volunteer to go check it out, Jacqui burst out of the RV, where she had been tending to Jim, with a panicked look on her face.

"Y'all, Jim, it's bad! I don't think he can take any more." Jacqui informed them, concern, sadness and worry oozing out of her body, before she stepped back and headed back in to the RV, just as quickly as she had left it.

"Rick, you wanna hold down the fort? I'll drive ahead, see what I can bring back." Shane volunteered, and before I could, T-Dog volunteered himself as Shane's second.

"Yeah, I'll come along too and I'll back you up."

"Y'all keep your eyes open now. We'll be right back." Shane instructed everybody, and I nodded, giving him a meaningful glance. Stay safe. Shane smiled slightly at me, and gave me a nod in return, just as Rick grabbed my hand.

"I need you to come with me." He said simply, as he tugged me into the RV behind him, giving Jacqui a nod as we swept past her into the back.

I had to bite back a gasp. Jim looked bad, so much worse than the last I'd seen him, and, worst still, he looked like he was in so much pain that even the smallest movement was unbearable to him. His skin was paler than I'd ever seen it, sweat running down his face, and his eyes seemed as though they were struggling to focus. The fever was definitely taking its toll.

"We'll be back on the road soon." Rick spoke softly, and I tried my best to smile for the ailing man, despite the fact, deep down in my stomach, I knew Jim wouldn't make it to the CDC, at least not alive.

"Oh, no. Christ! My bones," Jim moaned, and I could hear the pain in his voice. "My bones are like glass. Every little bump…God, this ride's killing me! Leave me here. I'm done. Just leave me. I want to be with my family."

A few tears managed to escape the barriers I had attempted to build. Jim wanted to die. He was in so much pain, he felt so hopeless, that he wanted it to be over. Without even seeing what the CDC had to offer him, Jim had accepted his fate and wanted his pain to end.

Rick crouched down by Jim's bedside, while I sat on the very edge, trying not to jostle him too much, and took his hand, squeezing very gently so I didn't hurt him. I smiled at him sadly, wiping my face with my spare hand, and Jim held my gaze as Rick spoke to him.

"They're all dead," Rick reminded him, his voice as gentle as he could make it. He didn't want to hurt Jim by reminding him that, but he wanted Jim to know what it was he was saying. "I don't think you know what you're asking. The fever. You've been delirious more often than not."

"I know. Don't you think I know?" Jim questioned, turning his eyes away from mine and connecting them to Rick's baby blues. He struggled to push himself upright, so I helped him, not even caring that I got his fever sweat on my hands. "I'm clear now. In five minutes, I may not be. Rick, Thea, I know what I'm asking. I want this. Leave me here. Now that's on me. Okay? My decision. Not your failure."

Rick watched our sick friend grimly, torn between not wanting to give up on him and respecting his wishes. It was Jim's decision; his life, his choice, but it was hard, because we wanted to keep fighting for him, but we couldn't if he didn't want us to. Rick nodded, and made to leave, but paused when he noticed that I wasn't following.

"I'm gonna stay here, keep Jim company. You talk to the others," I said, without looking at him, keeping my eyes on Jim, a faint smile tugging on my lips. Rick must've nodded or accepted my answer, because I heard his footsteps moving through the RV away from us. When I heard him call the others back over, I gripped Jim's hand a little tighter, averting my eyes from his. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"All day I had a bad feeling. It started when the guys left and just grew bigger and bigger as the day drew on. When you dug those holes…I knew it, I knew something bad was going to happen, but I ignored my gut and told myself that I was just paranoid because of everything that I'd gone through," I shook my head, a lone tear falling down my face. "Maybe if I had listened to it, you wouldn't have gotten bit."

"I'm okay, Thea. I'm okay with this," Jim insisted, lifting his free hand to push my chin up and force me to look at him. "I want to be with my family again."

I cracked a smile, and placed a kiss to the back of his hand.

"You're a brave man, Jim. Maybe one of the bravest men I've known." I told him, and he smiled slightly, though I could tell even that simple movement was pained.

"Thank you." Jim replied, and I shook my head.

"No, thank you."

Rick and Shane came in after that, telling Jim that they were going to move him outside, so I got out of the way, standing and waiting outside the RV with everybody else.

Jacqui seemed the most affected by Jim's decision, with the tears running in an almost endless stream down her face, so I took her hand, trying to comfort her a little bit as we followed Rick, Shane and Jim up a little hill, where they sat him down, resting his back against a tree.

"Hey, another damn tree!" Jim chuckled weakly and I smiled in spite of myself.

"Hey, Jim. I mean, you know it doesn't need to be this." Shane reminded him, but Jim shook his head slightly, shooting Shane's suggestion down.

"No. It's good. The breeze feels nice."

"Okay. All right." Shane said, patting him on the shoulder, before moving away.

Jacqui squeezed my hand before releasing it, moving forward to say her goodbyes to the newest edition to our list of losses. Jacqui crouched down in front of him and smiled widely, though it was still a sad smile, and gently brushed her fingers down his forearm.

"Just close your eyes, sweetie. Don't fight." Jacqui instructed, her voice soft and shaking with her grief, and she pressed a kiss to his cheek, before standing up and moving down the hill.

I smiled at Jim, before following her down. I'd said all that needed to be said, and decided to check that the RV was ready to go. The engine cover was still open when I got to it, and I inspected the job that Dale and Glenn had done on the hose. Part of being a part of the army was making sure ALL of your equipment was up to standards, including your assigned vehicle. I'd gotten quite good at the maintenance of my Humvee, so I was certain that Dale and Glenn's work would last us to the CDC at least.

I closed it up for Dale, just as they all came down the hill, leaving Jim at peace where he sat.

We all got into our separate vehicles, glancing up the hill as the caravan of cars moved on once more, leaving behind another fallen comrade.

I couldn't help but wonder how many more people we'd lose before we found a real place to survive in.

How many more friends could we lose before the group fell apart completely?


We came to a stop when the RV encountered a road block, just meters from the CDC, and the sight we were welcomed with was far from encouraging. I pulled on my backpack, made sure my two Glocks were loaded, that I had my rifle slung across my shoulder and I had extra ammo, before I climbed out my Jeep at the end of the line and rushed forward to the front.

Rick and I took point as we led the group past all the rotting corpses strewn across the ground in front of the CDC building, the only sounds heard were the buzzing of flies and people in the group coughing and spluttering from breathing in the rancid smell of decomposing flesh.

My eyes scanned the area, watching for walkers, while Rick and Shane hurried everybody forward as we made it to the doors. The light was starting to fade, so we needed to get inside as quickly as possible, especially this close to the city. We practically jogged to the nearest door, and I moved to the back of the group, keeping my eyes open for any enemies while Shane and Rick tried to open the shutter on the door.

"There's nobody here." T-Dog lamented, and I shook my head, turning round to glare at him for giving up so easily.

"Then why are these shutters down? They're protecting somebody." I hissed, trying to stay quiet, just as Daryl and I both noticed a couple of walkers headed towards the group. I almost gasped aloud as I recognized one of the walkers in army uniform. I didn't remember his name, but I remembered going through training with him. He was quiet, never said more than a few words to anybody, and now he was dead. I brushed the irrational guilt away, before aiming my gun at him, before deciding against it and switching my aim to the civilian dressed walker.

"Walkers!" Daryl announced, before firing his crossbow at the soldier, while I shot the other one, thankful for the silencers on my guns. Didn't need to attract more of those god awful things. "You led us into a graveyard!"

"He made a call!" Dale defended Rick before I could.

"It was the wrong damn call." Daryl argued, and I felt like shooting him in the foot or something, anything to distract the idiot from his fucking tirade that would only end up bringing more walkers down on top of us. Everybody was panicked enough without the fucking redneck losing his cool.

"You shut up," Shane growled, storming over to Daryl and pushing him back from Rick a little. "You hear me? Shut up!"

He turned round just as quickly as he had pounced on Daryl, and pointed at Rick.

"Rick, this is a dead end."

"Where are we going to go?" Carol questioned, trying to get some answers as the children cowered against their mothers.

I stepped forward to the front of the group, moving to Shane and Rick, inspecting the shutter doors and around them for anything that could help us get in. I tuned out the noise behind me, my eyes fixating on a camera just above the door, until I felt somebody start tugging me backwards, and then the camera moved.

The camera had followed our movements.

"WAIT!" I called, making everybody stop moving. "The camera! It moved!"

"I saw it too!" Rick backed me up, but the others weren't so quick to believe us.

"You imagined it." Dale explained it away.

"It moved. It moved." Rick repeated and we stepped closer to the doors, Shane on our heels.

"Rick, T, its dead, man. It's an automated device. Its gears, okay? They're just winding down. Come on!" Shane hissed, grabbing Rick's arm as he tried to pull him away. Andrea stepped forward to grab hold of me but I shrugged her off, stepping closer to the camera.

"Hello? I am Sergeant Thea Winters, of the US Special Forces. Please help us! I have thirteen civilians who need shelter!" When nothing happened, I kicked the door, pounding on it with my fist. "I know you're in there! I know you can hear me! I need you to open these doors! Please! I need to get my people to safety! We're desperate! I've got children here, men, women, no food, and hardly any gas left! There's nowhere else to go!"

Rick had pushed free of Shane now, and was right beside me, with Lori and Andrea still trying to push us away, pull us back.

"If you don't let us in, you're killing us! Please!" Rick shouted, just as Shane shoved Lori towards me and wrapped his arm around Rick's chest, pulling him away by force, while Lori and Andrea did the same to me. "You're killing us! You're killing us!"

Just as Lori, Andrea and Shane had managed to get Rick and I away from the doors and the camera, we were seemingly blinded by a sudden light.

Whoever was inside, whoever had been watching us through the camera, had decided to let us in.

The doors were open.


A/N:

*slowly lifts pops her head out* Hey, guys!

I just wanna say that I know I'm a sucky updater. I really am. I give myself these deadlines to try to motivate myself, but it never works and I just end up letting you guys down and it's not fair. So I've stopped doing that. No more deadlines!

But on a brighter note, here is the new chapter and I also have some great news! I've officially started writing my first novel that I hope to have published by this time next year! It's called "Way Past Saving" and is set in a post-apocalyptic 2015. Though, there will be no zombies. Gotta write something different for a change! But it's gonna be a lot of fun and I'm writing it for NaNoWriMo this year, so I'll hopefully have most of it done by the end of this month. Fingers crossed!

I'm really thankful to all my readers for still sticking with me all this time. Hopefully, I'll have some more news to share with you all and I hope you'll stick with me for all of that too!

Thank you to all the reviewers. Normally I'd name you all but I've just typed this all up on my phone because my computer has decided to play up and I've been here for what feels like years so I can't be bothered right now, but I will sing your praises on the next update, which will be soon! I promise!

Thank you guys so much,

I love you so much!


S.A.L. Stratton


P.S how awesome is The Walking Dead Season 7 shaping up to be? Two episodes in and I'm already buzzing for the rest of the season! Although, I have spent two weeks mourning Abe and Glenn. But King Ezekiel and Shiva were awesome, in my opinion. And Jeffrey Dean Morgan smashed (pun regrettably intended) it as Negan!