The familiar hum of the Normandy's engine was the only sound in the main battery as Shepard examined and cleaned her equipment. Garrus' presence in the room was silent and comforting. He was focused on his own "calibrations," always busy, but always there to lend an ear or some honest advice when she needed input on a mission. She was relieved that he had chosen to remain a part of her crew following the battle for the Citadel. She had been worried that he may go back to C-Sec, might seek another leadership position more befitting his skills and background. But, ever the good friend and partner, he had stayed. And she couldn't think of any sniper she'd rather have at her 6.
"How's it going over there, Garrus?" she asked, looking up from the shotgun she'd been polishing to find him bent over his station, typing rapidly on a keyboard, his severe-looking turian hands moving in a blur of speed.
"I'm working on calibrating the Normandy's forward guns to auto-sense incoming threats from a greater range, and to better discern between threats and friendlies." Garrus' voice, unique in its resonance, filled the room as he rambled on excitedly about ship upgrades.
Shepard smiled to herself as she stood and stretched, walking over to take a look at Garrus' work. She patted him affectionately on the back before asking, mischievously, "You up for another drinking contest in the mess? Joker wants another shot at drinking us under the table."
Garrus laughed loudly at that, a familiar and mirthful sound. "Shepard," he began after catching his breath. "The last time you tried this, Alenko had to carry you back to your bunk after two measly shots of Ryncol. Admit defeat and defer to the only man on this heap who can really hold his liquor."
"Have you even met Wrex?" she fired back with a grin. "Besides, I'm not a man. And you've got it wrong; I had to carry Kaidan out." she added.
"Oh, right. How could anyone forget? You're a vision of feminine grace, Shepard," Garrus replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
She punched him playfully on the arm, shaking her head. "Have it your way, Vakarian. I'm going to have a drink with or without you. I'll bet Joker's game."
As if he'd been listening in on their conversation, Joker chimed in over the intercom. "Shepard, Kaidan's looking for you. Think he went to the mess."
"Roger that, Joker. If you're looking to get embarrassed at cards or drinking again, find me there."
"Me? Embarrassed? Never," Joker returned. Shepard headed out of the battery and toward the communal mess hall, chuckling at the pilot's antics. She saw Kaidan seated with his back to her, eating as hearty a dinner as Alliance rations could offer.
Her heart fluttered at the sight of him. They'd bunked together every night since shore leave on the Citadel had ended. Their newfound closeness made her feel safer and more normal than she'd felt in years, maybe the closest thing a couple of Alliance heroes could have to domestic bliss. They were still trying to be discreet, but she doubted that her close circle of squadmates were fooled, especially with her and Kaidan walking around in a lovesick daze, grinning like idiots. He had left her side in the wee hours of that morning, and already she was aching for his touch. Even so, she tried to remain focused on the task at hand; but that proved more difficult than usual.
The purpose of their current mission was to investigate reports of geth activity in a system outside geth space. But days of searching had yielded no results, and Shepard was beginning to feel like she had been sent on a wild goose chase. These sorts of low-stakes, uneventful missions made her restless, which led to destructive behavior like trying to start drinking competitions among her crew, or trying to seduce a certain sexy staff lieutenant in the middle of the afternoon . . .
She was advancing to Kaidan's table in the mess, with every intention of luring him into the privacy of her bunk, when Joker's voice came over the intercom again. This time there was an anxious edge to his tone that chilled her to the bone. "Brace for evasive maneuvers!" he shouted, as the ship lurched unexpectedly, sending Shepard roughly to the floor.
She got up slowly, rubbing a knee that throbbed from the violent fall, looking worriedly over at Kaidan who was now covered in the remnants of the meal he'd been eating moments before. Just as she found her footing, there was a deafening boom as the ship was hit—by what, she didn't know. The Normandy careened off course again, this time sending Shepard flying into the table. It hit her in the gut and she exhaled sharply in pain, struggling to steady herself and stand as Joker came over the com again. "Kinetic barriers down. Multiple hull breaches. Weapons offline! Get that fire out!"
Hull breaches? Fires? Shepard peered at Kaidan in disbelief. He looked back at her, mirroring her confusion. This couldn't be the geth. She knew Joker well enough to know that he wouldn't be flying the Normandy recklessly, would have had their cloaking technology actively engaged. Who would have been able to attack them so quickly, taken them by surprise so effectively? "Get suited up," Shepard said, running for her bunk and motioning to Kaidan to do the same.
Shepard felt a little better with a breather helmet on, and when Kaidan returned from grabbing his gear from his bunk, she was glad to see that he had donned his own helmet. She moved to the controls of the distress beacon, preparing it for launch with shaking hands. "The distress beacon is ready for launch," she said to him, hoping her voice sounded stronger and calmer than she felt. As the commander, she had faced some tough situations and had often projected the strength and clarity of mind that her group needed when things were darkest, but she had never expected this. The Normandy was her home, and for more than a year it had felt like an impregnable fortress against every enemy the galaxy had to offer. Her heart broke as she looked at the ship in chaos, countless alarms sounding as the crew ran this way and that in a panic, and everything tinted a sinister red-orange as numerous fires sprung up all over the crew deck.
"Will the Alliance get here in time?" Kaidan asked her, his voice wavering with uncertainty. She knew that they wouldn't, couldn't possibly. Multiple hull breeches and fires with no weapons to fight back meant the Normandy was likely a doomed vessel, but there was no point in worrying Kaidan just then.
"The Alliance won't abandon us. We just need to hold on. Get everyone to the escape shuttles," she replied confidently, fumbling for a fire extinguisher to distract herself from the fear that was threatening to dull her senses.
"Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't evacuate," Kaidain informed her. She balked at that. How could Joker be so foolish as to think that he could save the ship now? In the cockpit, Joker surely had a firsthand look at the devastating damage the Normandy had taken. He was a great helmsman—the best. But damnit if he wasn't the most stubborn member of her crew. "I'm not leaving, either," Kaidan finished. Scratch that, Joker was the second most stubborn member of her crew.
She was profoundly touched by Kaidan's loyalty and concern for her safety, but she would not lose him like this. "I need you to get everyone to the evac shuttles," she repeated sternly. "I'll take care of Joker."
"Shepard . . ." he protested. His helmet obscured his features, but she could imagine the pained expression on his sweet face. The weight of the words he no doubt wanted to say hung in the smoky air between them.
"Kaidan, go. Now," she ordered. It was difficult. She wanted to embrace him, to tell him how she felt, to follow him onto that evac shuttle and see him to safety. She wanted to be sure that he lived to see another day, and that she made it out, too, to look him right in those dreamy amber eyes of his when he finally got the nerve to tell him how much she loved him. Instead, she glared daggers in his direction, urging him to save the others, to save himself.
"Aye, aye," he assented, after a moment's hesitation. As she watched him go, she felt a peculiar mixture of relief and sadness. She heard his commanding, reassuring voice as he directed some panicked marines to enter the nearby shuttle. She saw the familiar silhouette of his tall, muscular frame outlined in the smoke as he ran toward the shuttle himself. She knew he would be safe, but she had an inexplicable, unshakable feeling that it would be the last time she ever saw him.
Kaidan had just removed his helmet when the young woman sitting next to him jumped in alarm. Another, painfully loud blast shook the shuttle. He looked back in horror at the source of the sound—a new explosion on the Normandy. The ship was no more than a wreck now, after the fatal hit from the enormous and menacing, yet still unidentified enemy vessel. He felt like his heart was in a cincher at the sight of the devastation. There was no way that she or Joker had survived such a scene of destruction. Desperate to stay strong for the other crew members on board, Kaidan swallowed hard and blinked away the tears in his eyes. He'd seen that most of Shepard's chosen squad had gotten out on other escape pods, but he looked over to find Liara at the end of the bench opposite his. Their eyes met, and for one tense moment they both seemed to register that Shepard might be gone.
Reeling at the thought, he turned to the window again, his eyes desperately searching for a newly deployed evac shuttle. At that moment, a blinding flash forced him to shut his eyes as the enemy ship fired another shot using its powerful laser-like weaponry. The last remnants of the Normandy shattered violently, sending wreckage in every direction. Kaidan saw red. The thin veil of control that he'd been grasping throughout the whole fiasco evaporated and he found himself screaming in protest, at the unfairness of it all. "No!" he exclaimed, his voice breaking with emotion as he turned away from the window and laid his head in his hands. He was doubled over in pain, doing nothing to quiet the sobs that were rocking his frame, his biotics flaring dangerously. The girl next to him scooted way frantically, but he barely noticed.
"Look!" he heard Liara cry, suddenly. Hardly daring to hope, he looked up and out of the window behind her to see one, last evac shuttle floating away from the scattered remains of the Normandy. He exhaled shakily, sighing in relief. When he saw Shepard again, he decided, he was going to make her promise never to scare him like that again.
"They made it," he said, regaining his composure. "It would take more than a ship blowing up to take out the Commander," he joked, trying to ease the tension in the cramped cabin of the shuttle. A few of the others chuckled half-heartedly, but everyone was still rattled. Kaidan sat back in his seat and gazed out at Shepard's shuttle, hoping that she was alright in there. Leave it to Shepard to nearly kill herself saving our asses, he thought, shaking his head.
He was still amazed that they had all managed to escape, considering the brutality of the attack. He looked out of the window again just in time to see the gargantuan enemy ship making a light speed departure, apparently satisfied that it had taken out its prey after the Normandy was obliterated. Who could have done this? he wondered, an eerie chill overtaking him. He had never seen such a daunting, powerful ship before.
Looking about the shuttle, he could see his fear and uncertainty mirrored in the faces of his comrades. But more than anything, he was just grateful that so many, especially Shepard, had gotten out alive. Those few seconds he thought that he'd lost her were the most terrifying moments of his life. It was a strange way to realize how much she truly meant to him, but he was finally coming to terms with the fact that despite how hard he tried to keep a level head about their relationship, he was in deep.
In his younger years Kaidan had been with a few different women, but he'd never really gotten serious with anyone. The traumatic end to his adolescent attachment to Rhana had left its scars, and he worried that he was only capable of causing others pain. He was a romantic at heart, and had never been a "love 'em and leave 'em" type of guy; but his past relationships had all sort of petered out as soon as he'd begun to feel comfortable. He was just too afraid that his baggage would eventually scare another girl away, so he'd ended things before they got the chance.
It was different with Shepard. She was stronger and more capable than any woman he'd ever known. She'd shown him through her unique blend of tough love and gentle encouragement that she wasn't afraid of a future with him, and she wasn't giving up what they had without a fight. In spite of all of his weak protests about his past, his faulty biotics, and the threat of breaking the regs, she'd persistently insisted that what they had was special. On the night before Ilos, she'd shown him just how true that was. How a woman could simultaneously be so fiery, strong, and independent, and gorgeous, delicate, and feminine was beyond his understanding.
Kaidan knew that he was smitten with her. He was addicted to the sound of her laugh, a regrettably rare sound over the past few months with all of the chaos that came with chasing Saren. But in the few days since they had gotten a chance to unwind on shore leave, he'd gotten a glimpse of the Shepard he remembered from a year ago, the beautiful, spirited woman he'd fallen flat for almost as soon as they'd met. The scintillating smile that reached all the way up into her startlingly green eyes stopped him in his tracks. He loved how easy it was to talk to her, loved waking up to the sight of her frumpy bed head every morning that week, surprising her with sweets, her favorite guilty pleasure. He couldn't get enough of the thrill he got at every soft kiss she left on his skin, every affectionate whisper in his ear, of how she somehow made him feel equal parts vulnerable and invincible in her arms. He would get distracted sometimes watching her on the battlefield, marveling at how her biotic strength nearly matched his own, and at the ethereal blue glow emanating from her as she unleashed her abilities. He loved watching her run into a crowd of hostiles with guns blazing, drunk on the joy of the fight, almost as much as he hated how reckless she was—hated it because he realized now that losing her might just be more than he could handle.
He shivered at the thought, but quickly reminded himself that he hadn't lost her. Not yet. He looked out of the window once more, his eyes finding that last shuttle, reminding himself to breathe, reminding himself that she was in there, that she was alive. He would take this unexpected tragedy as a sign. A reminder that despite the seemingly miraculous things they'd done, they were mortal after all. He and Shepard had this one life to live, and he wasn't going to waste any more of it hiding behind his insecurities, behind the rules, or behind his fears about what the others would think.
They were nearing a planet that he suspected they would land on until the Alliance sent a rescue crew. It was Alchera, if he remembered rightly. They would have a cold night ahead of them if so, but that didn't matter. The moment that they landed he would sprint to Shepard's shuttle and keep her safe and warm in his arms. He would hold her close, and he would finally tell her that he was completely, hopelessly in love with her. He was nervous, of course. What if she didn't feel the same? What if she thought he was moving too fast? But the more he thought about it, the more sure he was that Shepard loved him, too—that it was more than duty that had drawn them to one another in a seemingly boundless galaxy. He knew somehow that what he had with Shepard was the reason it had never worked out without anyone else. It was perfect.
With that reassuring thought in mind, Kaidan sat back in his seat again, an exhausted sigh on his lips. Whatever was on the ship that had just thrown so much of their lives into uncertainty, he was sure of one thing: he could face it with Shepard by his side.
