He sat alone, in their dark bedroom.
Days ago, while unpacking, he had come across a book. He had bought it around two and a half years ago. Seeing that book, remembering that he used to believe those things, hurt. He had bought the book and been extremely excited about it. He was finally free to have such books, to learn about those things. And now..., he can't say he believes in any of that. And that simple fact, is simply shattering. He knew he didn't believe as he used to, but faced with the cold reality of what it meant, he was stunned. How could he have fallen so far? He used to believe, strongly, in many things...
Going through his books as he put them on the shelf, he came across others that had once meant quite a bit to him. Ones that changed his beliefs. And still, he doesn't believe those things anymore. Though before, he had swore by them, made jokes. No more though. He could hardly believe how much he had lost. It just didn't seem possible. What the hell had changed? He used to believe! He used to dream about being on his own so he could openly exhibit his beliefs. Now..., those things held no sway.
With a sigh, he opened iTunes, looking through the songs. Each song, it seemed, had a memory attached. Or multiple. Or people he associated with the songs. Some of his favorite songs, he couldn't bear to listen to because of the memories attached. Absently, he let it play Lacey Sturm, and then selected some other songs for it to play in succession.
His thoughts drifted as the music played.
He had terrible nightmares earlier, when he had taken a nap. He wasn't sure what they meant, or rather, were trying to convey. They didn't make much sense.
'I have pretty much everything, again. As I've had a few times now. So why am I always drug back to this place? Why can I not find something worth holding on to? It's as if none of it matters. Not my temporary happiness. Not the pretty words strung together by her and I. I know the feelings we share are true, but we're both so ... damaged. How can this not eventually just fall apart like everything else? Why do we bother trying at all? We both have desires for what we cannot have. Or so we tell ourselves we can't. Things that make us hesitate. Could I stop the emotional side and listen to pure logic and make my decision? Probably. It would be difficult, slightly. But I could. The desire is always there, it's clearly not going any where.
Can emotion really hold me back?
I don't know.
The main one holding back is Bo. But Drew is also on her side. And Flaire is as well. She doesn't seem to feel as strongly as the other two, but she still sides with them. Ruby is neutral, as always. And myself? Well, obviously, I want that eternal darkness I've written of so many gods forsaken times. I see it as a logical choice, I'm tired. This life is overall a terrible existence in a forsaken world. It's only going to get worse. So why not?
That's when they argue with me.
She's why not. I promised her. A life with her.
But still, I long to make another attempt. Whether or not I succeed matters naught, I just want to do it. I want to be self-destructive. I want to hurt. I want to fucking feel. I have so much hatred for this world. So many lies told constantly. Yet no one dares say a word to break the illusion. It's a shit world, but no one is willing to admit it. They would rather simply pretend that life is great. That there's a reason to all the death and disease and hate. They cling to the beliefs that they're meant for something. That some benevolent being created them and so they kill for this being. But if this being is so benevolent, why do they desire blood? Wouldn't that go against everything it stands for?
But nay, we can't ask such questions and speak such blasphemy. There is no room for truth in the lies of the world.
At the same time there is so much fucking anger, there's an unending well of sadness. It all stems from the fact that nothing can or will be done. The world will not change because not enough people will ever stand up and demand that it change. They are content to let it fester as long as it doesn't affect them. And why should they not be complacent? It's what they're taught from birth. Obedience. Anything else is terrible and correctional measures must be taken swiftly.'
Few tears fell, in the darkness. They dried where they fell, he didn't bother to wipe them away.
'Everything eventually dissolves into hate and bitterness. It doesn't matter how it began. The darkness always consumes, especially when the light is greatest.'
Make it stop by Rise Against begins to play. A sad smile grace his lips.
He used to really love the song. And it still is an old favorite. But he has to wonder, what does any of it matter? People such as himself will always be treated differently as soon as their difference is noticed. He and those like him, are not like everyone else. It's noticeable, somehow. In their pack mentality, they can sense it. And so they attempt to destroy the difference. Whatever means necessary.
The world is a dark place.
Some things are simple...
