It seemed he went through phases. For a while, he would feel absolutely nothing beyond basic human needs of hunger, thirst, and tired. Then..., something would happen and he would feel everything.
He hadn't really noticed that he wasn't feeling. It was peaceful during that time, or so it seemed. Things had seemed to be going well even. He had applied to college, gotten accepted, and taken the placement test. After that, he had applied for the FAFSA, for financial aid and then filled out all the lovely college paperwork for it. He even got signed up for classes for the next semester.
While he wasn't preoccupied with that, he had read some very good books by an old favorite author he had all but forgotten about. He had even managed to get back into a game he had beaten the story on multiple times but still needed to get achievements on.
He thought things were going well.
That was lost when his girlfriend told him she was unsure about them anymore. It felt as though his world shattered. Especially when the ring was returned to him. And all those absent feelings came roaring back. He was crushed, utterly. Somehow, again, he had failed. He had ruined a perfectly good thing. Something he wanted more than anything, and yet again, he ruined all he had.
He's still not sure how he did it. He thought he was doing all the right things. All the things he should. But apparently not. Again, he was told all he cared for were his games.
He feels that's not true, he doesn't play nearly as often as he used to. He went weeks without touching a bloody game. Only using his xbox for hulu. But somehow, he still cares more for his games than her. He knows he can't change her opinion, she's so convinced of it. It may as well be true.
He thinks it's much better to not feel anything. That way, you can focus on other things. Feelings just make things complicated when they don't need to be.
Everything is pointless anyway. Depending on who wins the election in a few days, things could go farther to shit. And really, why bother trying? Trying at anything?
We're all dying anyway, why not hasten the process?
Death, nothingness, has to be better than existence.
Trying..., is overrated. It doesn't really ever get you anywhere. It doesn't get better. Depression can't be cured. It will always haunt you. Even if your life seems to be perfect, depression will ruin it for you.
He loves her, or thinks he does at least. More than anything; he thinks anyway.
Anymore, he's not sure of anything.
Happiness..., she wants them both to be happy.
Happiness is naught but a lie taught from birth. It's unattainable, especially for those with depression, for those that can actually see the world for what it is and accept its grim reality.
Death is a release for those brave enough to seek it. Life is a torturous thing that everyone is expected to go through time and again, all with the vain hope instilled that it's actually good. He doesn't think so. Life is shit. Death is just..., better. Because then there's literally, nothing. No expectations, no people, no feelings, just blissful nothing.
He got his neck tattoo, to remind him why he couldn't do it. And what has it done since he's gotten it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
He lost faith in that too. He believes in nothing he used to, not even that phrase anymore. He's lost everything that made him. It's taken years, but he's lost it all. Even the dream of proving theories about science, it doesn't seem worth it. Very few people would even care if he proved his theories. Life likely wouldn't change even if he did prove things. The public wouldn't be able to handle new information like what his theories would expose.
Sheep, the bloody lot.
So really, why did his life matter? Simple, like all other humans, it didn't. Humans were just as much animals as the "lesser" animals they inhabited the planet alongside. But humans insist upon a superiority complex. Though in reality, if they chose, animals could likely kill all the humans. Ridding the world of the the stain.
It wouldn't matter in the least, if he ceased.
Some things just happen...
