Chapter 8: Doubts

'The war makes it hard to get information. If you could please just...'

'You're human, you understand how it is out here. The others don't. If you...'

'I realize you're a man of importance...'

'We need this target neutralized to help secure the rest of the sector. No one else...'

'I'll pay you. Anything you want! Just get us out of here. It's only been a week and they're already...'

'I thought that was what Spectres did! You have to help us...'

Shepard's grip tightened on the datapad, the polymer frame creaking in protest. With exacting control he eased his fingers' hold, setting the offending piece of technology down and dropping his head into his hands. As soon as they had dropped out of stealth and information began updating, the messages had arrived. It had only taken days, a scant week since Earth had fallen to the Reapers, before his name was on people's lips again. The disgraced Spectre vindicated. War criminal redeemed. But already he could hear the undertones in every message.

Why didn't you make us listen?

He picked up the datapad again, taking slow breaths and skimming through the next set of data and the newest rumors and examinations of past events. Articles on the Bahak incident were still a hot topic on the extranet, even six months later. One article managed to accuse him of wasting a tactical resource by not waiting to destroy the relay until after the Reapers had begun to come through, while another by Westerlund News speculated that if he hadn't destroyed the relay the Reapers would have spent valuable time attacking Aratoht instead of heading straight to Earth. The three hundred thousand lives that he'd snuffed out in an instant by destroying the relay had already become a footnote in history; a talking point. The datapad went flying across the room to slam into the wall with an audible crack.

"Even in the face of annihilation we're still bickering," Shepard muttered to the empty room.

Dragging himself to his feet and picked up the now inert datapad, he could only give a weary sigh, tossing it back onto his desk. A hundred letters, messages... pleas for help. He could easily delete the offers from wealthy businessmen and industrialists, offering money, power, any part of their little empires for some favor or another. The hard, cynical part of his mind said that they'd brought this all on themselves, waited too long trying to take advantage of the situation. But for every one of those messages that had scrolled across, there had been another from frightened aid workers that had seen his name on the vids, old acquaintances and people he'd met in his quest to stop Saren... all asking for help. Anything to escape the coming darkness.

And when he powered down his terminal, leaving the messages unanswered, he knew that someone else would die waiting to be saved, a hundred light years away. Someone waiting on that bright moment when the person they'd seen as larger than life strode through fire and flames to snatch them from the grip of death, hope dying in their eyes when no one came - because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't be everywhere at once.

Leaning against the doorway of his cabin, he choked back the sound of despair that threatened to climb out of his chest, instead clenching his jaw and leveling his breathing once more. There was work to be done. A war to win. Maybe when it was over he'd finally be able to rest once and for all.

When he stepped into the elevator his face was passive once more. He was himself again. What he had to be. Commander John Shepard, Spectre. Hero of the Citadel. All the other titles the vids and the reports gave him. The galaxy wanted a hero that was larger than life to save them from the monsters. He would have to do.


"Ah, Shepard. Good. Eve wished to speak with you. Am working on genophage data now," Mordin said as the commander entered the medbay. "Doctor Chakwas very accommodating. Will be able to work on synthesizing actual cure once we arrive on Citadel. Understood Alliance refit of Normandy but regret removal of lab."

"Thanks, Mordin. I've already sent word ahead; they're going to have a full lab set up for you by the time we dock. You'll have anything you need."

"Very good. Will continue tests."

The female krogan was sitting on one of the medical beds, arms around her knees in a feminine pose that looked natural but very atypical for a krogan at the same time. Wrex was on one side of the bed, speaking with her quietly. Quietly for Wrex, at least, which was loud enough to be heard through the entire med bay.

"Are you alright? What about this Mordin? How is he treating you?"

"Better than krogan males do," Eve replied drolly. "He's not like a typical salarian."

"Sneaky, smart... knows how to make viruses and genetic plagues. Sounds like a typical salarian to me."

For his part Mordin seemed to be blissfully unaware of anyone else in the room after the initial greeting to Shepard, solely focused on the screen in front of him. Images of cells and DNA strands blinked by rapidly on the console while the salarian sang a strange little tune under his breath.

"Asari-vorcha offspring have an allergy to dairy and... da da da duh da..."

Watching Mordin, Eve shook her head at Wrex's grumbling. "I sense a sadness in him. Seeing my sisters and I... saw it in his eyes. Something changed."

"We'll see," Wrex grunted. "I'll be back later to give the salarian his damn tissue sample. Garrus wanted me to check out some stupid gun he's been calibrating."

The krogan gave him a nod as he brushed past, heading out the door. Eve merely watched Shepard as he approached, finally uncurling her form and easing off the medical bed to greet him. She stood nearly as large as the male krogan that he'd seen but the layered robes that concealed her form and even most of her face gave her an air of mystery. It was odd after having dealt with krogan males for so long. Rarely was there any mystery or subterfuge.

"Commander. Thank you for your timely arrival. I did not think the krogan had any friends left in the galaxy..."

She inclined her head slightly and he returned the gesture, forcing a smile. "It's okay, you've got a reason to mistrust. For all the krogan have done the galaxy has treated you poorly. I'm curious, though. Friends usually share names, but Mordin just calls you Eve. That can't be krogan."

"It is not unexpected. We have not always been the... most diplomatic people," she replied with a shrug. "And my name was given up when I became a shaman among my people. It is an ancient tradition. But many traditions are changing, maybe this one too will shift someday if Wrex continues to guide our people into a new way of life."

The Spectre searched her eyes again, intrigued. She might have little worldly experience but the way she spoke... there was a hint of weariness and jaded understanding that reminded him immediately of Wrex. A self awareness most krogan seemed to lack. Even Grunt, for all his genetic perfection, had been focused solely on the next fight.

"What do you think of him?"

Her laugh caught him off guard. It wasn't the gravelly, harsh sound he had grown used to fighting alongside Wrex and Grunt; still deep, but with the rich sounds of genuine amusement.

"When he's not trying to sire half of Tuchanka? Wrex is the best hope for our people. He's intelligent, even wise. Just don't tell him that. His head is big enough as it is."

"Sounds like you know him well already," Shepard said.

She nodded. "I saw him when he first returned to Tuchanka. He managed to bribe or bully his way into many of the female camps. Spoke of a new krogan race, one that got up off its knees to fight for a place in the galaxy, refusing to let the genophage drive us to extinction."

"He's become quite the leader," he agreed. "Last time I was on your world he had united half a dozen clans under Urdnot's banner. By the time I left he had absorbed the remains of Weyrloc, too."

"So I heard. Wrex calls you battle-brother. It is a title of respect I have not heard him give to any other, even within Urdnot. Strange to hear one of our people speak of a human in such a way."

Rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly he shrugged. "When we were hunting down Saren... everyone said I was crazy for putting together the team I did. Even one of my own crew thought I put too much trust in the 'aliens'. But they accepted it, even each other. Now when I think of the four of us... those seem like better days."

The female laughed once more. "Yes, he did talk about his krantt that defeated the dreaded Saren Arterius. A human, a turian, and a quarian... fighting alongside a krogan battlemaster. You and your fool's quest gave him what he needed to change Tuchanka."

"I didn't give him anything. I just made him see that he didn't have to accept the world the way it is."

"That is merely another way of saying 'hope', Commander. And hope is the only weapon we truly have against the genophage. A single candle can dispel the darkness as long as it is kept burning. Wrex is that candle to our people now... but you were the one who lit it."

A faint, genuine smile crossed his lips. "I'm pretty sure the way Wrex tells the story it was he who that put the last bullet in Saren."

One scaled brow arched beneath Eve's shawl. "You'd be right. But I have long suspected it was you ever since I heard the story."

The smile faded as he remembered the day. The Presidium was burning around them. Saren, or at least the twisted mechanical husk that he'd become, had torn at them with unbridled fury. It had been a frantic, desperate fight. But in the end it hadn't been Wrex that struck the final blow... it hadn't even been him. Saren's withered form had leapt for him one last time and Garrus' sniper rifle had fired, almost tearing one of the rogue Spectre's limbs off. It still hadn't been enough to put him down for good: the husk's remaining talon had been wrapped around his throat when Tali's knife, the simple boot knife he'd teased her about never using, had sprouted from Saren's neck.

"No, it was... it was all of us. We were a team. A damn good one," he said finally, shaking his head.

"Then maybe when your krantt is together once more you will have that strength again."

Shepard looked past the female krogan for a moment through the windows of the medbay, seeing Wrex leaving the gunnery bay with Garrus, both laughing. A mercenary and a hot-headed cop, one a leader of his people and the other much the same. He forced another tired smile.

"I don't think that will happen. Whatever we had then... times change, people have their own paths to walk. I'll let you rest, Eve. Mordin will take care of you. We'll be on the Citadel in a few hours."


When the door to the battery hissed open he had expected to see Shepard there, grim faced and looking far more worn than he had any right to. Instead he blinked in surprise, seeing Kasumi's much slighter form. As always, she was dressed in her form fitting suit with her hood pulled up to cover her head. When he had first met Shepard the strange little thief's blatant disregard for the law, and only passing acquaintance with that most coveted turian value of personal privacy, would have driven Garrus crazy. Now having her around seemed completely normal. In the months spent on Palaven trying in vain to prepare his people for the inevitable he'd even come to miss the thief's teasing comments and dry wit.

"Going to invite me in? I know I tend to keep to my own little part of the ship - well as far as anyone ever knows at least - but I shouldn't think I'm that surprising," Kasumi said.

He motioned her inside. "Sorry."

"No problem. You look rough," the woman chirped, moving to hop up on the rail that separated his work area from the lower bay. "And I'm not talking about the scars."

"If you haven't noticed, there's a war on," Garrus said sharply.

"Trust me, I know."

The response was much more somber and he already regretted his rebuking tone. Kasumi had proven that she was more than just a careless thief in the months leading up to the assault on the Collector base; she'd stuck by them even when Shepard offered to let her go with no questions asked and had been one of Tali's first friends aboard the new Normandy. She wasn't cut from quite the same cloth as the rest of them; she wasn't a soldier, but in turian terms she had the same spirit - that dogged determination to do the right thing. And her relentless cheerfulness had been a needed contrast to the bitter cynicism that had gripped more than a few of the Normandy crew.

He sighed. "Sorry... again, I guess. I was just looking at reports from Primarch Victus for most of the night. Things aren't going well. We're giving it everything we've got, but..."

"Everything just doesn't cut it against Reapers."

"No, it doesn't. Victus was right, we need the krogan just to stand a chance."

"Well, at least he didn't ask for the yahg?"

Kasumi's feet dangled as she spoke, lightly tapping the lower rung of the railing with her heels. Her short stature had been a constant source of amusement during the last mission, with the ex-vigilante often wondering aloud how such tiny humans had evolved. Topping out a few centimeters over a meter and a half she came in well under his own two meter frame. A smirk found its way to his lip plates.

"True, we wouldn't want to recruit allies that consider you a bite sized snack."

Her only response was to stick her tongue out at him, a gesture he had learned was considered both rude and immature among humans.

"So why are you up here? Last time I checked you weren't fascinated by massive guns. And that's pretty much all I've got going on here."

"Gare... " she began, tone serious once more, enough so that he didn't immediately make a comment about her vexing nickname for him. "Chakwas kind of hired me for a little job. Deferred payment in the form of a favor. After I did it I kinda figured you'd be the one to talk to."

His brows raised slightly. "And why is that?"

"She asked me to hack Shepard's private terminal."

"Dammit, doesn't Shepard have enough to worry about without people digging into his personal accounts? Why the hell would you even agree to do that?" Garrus demanded immediately. Almost by instinct he'd moved closer, invading her space, nostrils flaring in anger.

"Look, I didn't say I liked the job!"

The sharpness of her voice actually gave him pause. Kasumi only occasionally let the cheerful mask drop, but never to show anger, not in months of being stuck aboard the Normandy with a dozen other people of questionable mental stability. He tried again, calmer this time.

"So I'll ask again, why did you do it?"

"Because she said she was worried about him. And... well I was a little worried, too," Kasumi admitted. "I mean, look, the guy is great and all. Watched him do all sorts of crazy stuff. But I've been back on the ship for all of a week and even I can tell he's not quite the same as he was six months ago."

Garrus' expression softened further and he sighed, moving to lean against the railing next to her.

"He's... backsliding, I think is the human term."

"You've known him longer, you're going to have to explain here, Gare."

"You remember how he was when you first met him?" Garrus asked, then quickly added, "And don't call me Gare."

Her expression clearly said she would do nothing of the sort. "Mhm. He seemed a little sad, very driven. I mean he had just been brought back from the dead. That's enough to give anyone some issues."

"History lesson, then. The Shepard I met when he was first hunting down Saren, he was humanity's rising star. Top of his class for special forces and newly made their first Spectre. Over the next few months we went through hell trying to stop Saren... I'm sure you know the story."

Kasumi nodded. "Quite well, actually. Once you got her going Tali was quite the little chatterbox."

He chuckled quietly. "We all noticed, though at the start we all hated each other. Wrex thought I was a fascist turian dog and everyone else on the ship was a weakling, Tali thought we were both heartless and cruel, and all I saw in them was a savage and a vagabond. And of course Kaidan and Ashley thought we were all crazy or untrustworthy, respectively. Shepard forced us to actually pay attention to each other long enough to get over our preconceptions... by the time it was done we all knew more about each other than most families."

"He has a knack for that," she agreed, cocking her head. "But what's your point?"

"My point is that for all the crap he got us to tell him, he hardly ever talked about himself. It was only after Virmire and... Kaidan's death that we finally got his story out of him. All about Akuze, losing his squad. The shit they don't mention in the bio-vids. He rarely lost his temper even in those days, though. Only happened twice. Right after Kaidan died, and then during a mission to clear out some pirates. Slavers. Nasty stuff."

The turian continued. "After he came back from the dead, though? I guess everything caught up with him. He was more reckless, more prone to letting his anger get the best of him. Maybe a little more ruthless. I even smelled alcohol on him a few times after the crew hadn't seen him all night."

He carefully didn't mention the incident on Illium. Kasumi was a friend, but that break in his Commander's personal armor wasn't something he was going to bring up on the off chance that Kasumi wasn't already aware. Either way, it had been between the three of them, which is where it would stay unless Shepard himself brought it up.

"Really? Being a thief it pays to be observant but I never noticed."

"Our senses are pretty keen," Garrus said, tapping his nose. "The point I'm making is it took everything we went through hunting down Saren to figure out Shepard wasn't invincible."

"Okay so I get all that, but I remember him getting better too. It took some serious helping, but once he and Tali stop being so damn stubborn..." Kasumi shrugged.

"That was quite the turn of events. You have no idea how hard it was not to just tell him. I mean even with the envirosuit Tali was... not subtle."

"Why didn't you? I thought you two were all, you know?" she asked, making some bizarre gestures with her fingers. "That macho blood and fire and beating drums brother-of-my-heart stuff. Hetero life partners, whatever. Isn't that the kind of stuff you're supposed to do for each other?"

"Nah, tactless statements about personal relations were always more Wrex's area. I mean if I thought that it had to be done I would have. But I figured Shepard needed to work it out on his own."

The thief gave him a mischievous smile. "We're alike in that respect, though my motives weren't completely altruistic. The whole thing was like a romance vid; I couldn't stop watching."

Technically he should scold the woman on Shepard's behalf. It would be more than a little hypocritical considering the betting pool he and Joker had started regarding when Shepard and Tali would admit that they were together. A pool that he had won, now that he thought about it.

"Problem is as much as Tali helped him... it was like tossing a drowning man a rope and then letting go when he's half way up."

"But he's the one that let go of the rope!" Kasumi said in exasperation.

"Trust me, I know. But six months stuck on Earth after the... incident in the Bahak system? Add in the Reapers hitting Earth and having to leave it behind. Spirits, leaving Palaven behind almost killed me. And my people are actually still fighting properly, not waging a guerrilla war for a planet that's already fallen."

"But why? I mean I understand the guilt about leaving your planet behind. I haven't even been to Earth in years and I felt bad. But he's a damn hero. The guy has made a hobby out of saving people."

"I never really figured it out, not all of it. When he came back he was concerned about the cybernetics, what it all meant. That he wasn't the same guy anymore. I thought he'd gotten it together, moved past it," Garrus said with a shrug. "I think sometimes he just considers every damn thing his personal responsibility..."

Kasumi glanced at him from beneath the hood, looking uncharacteristically nervous. "When I hacked his account Chakwas asked me to see if he'd been reaching out to anyone. Tali, Wrex... any of his old crew. But his search history was just news reports. No other searches. No extranet purchases, not even alcohol."

"Which means he's either back to being a stubborn idiot or he's found some other vice to take the edge off. Spirits... I feel like I'm watching a bad vid, yelling at the screen for the characters to not be so stupid."

Pushing himself off the rail, Garrus turned around and gripped the metal, his talons making an audible scratching sound as they tightened on the metal. He hated the uncertainty of it, longing for the days when everything had been simple. Shepard had told them the mission, they had a clearly defined goal to stop Saren, and everything just worked. Every problem could be solved with a bullet or a punch. When Shepard had come back from the dead Garrus hadn't been much better, seeing the faces of his team in his dreams. However, he'd been able to claw his own way out of the hole once Shepard had pulled him back from the abyss.

But he honestly didn't know how to do the same thing for the human that had saved him. The turian had even tried messaging Tali on the Migrant Fleet, to try and explain what had happened, tell her about Earth, about Shepard... but there had been no response. Not even a confirmation of receipt. Somewhere on the edge of the galaxy the quarians had gone dark. So he was left not knowing how to help... and it made him feel infuriatingly helpless. The same feeling he got whenever he looked at Victus' casualty reports from Palaven.

"Hey..."

A small hand on his arm, dainty even, but it squeezed firmly. Kasumi's lips edged up into a faint smile as the eyes beneath the hood met his own.

"Don't go jumping down the pit after him. I'm totally not going to be the responsible one. I'm allergic."

Garrus' mandibles twitched in amusement, relaxing ever so slightly as the slim human derailed his train of thought into the darker corners of his mind.

"That would leave you and Joker in charge, so yeah, I guess that's a bad idea. I'm just not sure how to fix things."

"We'll keep his head above water, that's all we can do. I'm not giving up on him anymore than you are. I guess that makes me part of this crazy family now too. I blame Tali. A few months of talking to her and I kept feeling like I was talking to my little sister. Even if we're not related. Or the same species."

He nodded in thanks.

"You know, there's a turian rite for that..."


"You sure you're going to head out alone?" Garrus asked, following after Shepard. "Kasumi said she'd heard reports of indoctrinated agents targeting important people. An asari killed some high level diplomats before she killed herself."

Shepard raised a hand to stop him. "I'll be fine. If they're going to target anyone it will be Eve and Wrex. Get them to the lab we got set up for Mordin and back to the ship safely. I'm just going to check on Ash."

The turian didn't look entirely satisfied with the answer but nodded his assent, moving back up the ramp towards the Normandy. In the hundreds of messages he'd received one that stated that Ashley had regained consciousness the day before. Now that they were back on the Citadel the least he could do was check and make sure she was doing better. As for the rest of the letters... he'd finally forced himself to read them. It seemed like cowardice to leave them sitting there.

There had been precious few bright spots. Shiala, the asari commando that had stayed on Feros to help the colonists rebuild, had sent him a message. Apparently the remaining legacy of the Thorian had given the colonists a limited form of telepathy or group-mind, something that they were using to great effect combating the Reaper ground forces that were trying to overrun the colony. A small shred of hope was better than nothing.

As he walked through the Citadel's corridors he couldn't help but marvel at how mundane it all still seemed. True, the docking bays were thick with refugees and travellers trying to escape, and news updates regarding the war rang loud over the intercom, but for the most part people seemed to still be going about their lives. The only indication that the galaxy was falling apart was the considerably larger fleet that floated around the Citadel itself, along with the heavy mines that funneled the relay traffic down a very specific space lane. Whether those defenses would be enough to stop the Reapers if they decided to come for the Citadel once more, he didn't know. But it was clear they wouldn't take it without a fight.

Lost in his thoughts, he almost didn't hear the voice calling his name.

"Shepard!"

He stopped, turning on his heel towards the sound... and immediately had to restrain his defensive reflexes as a young woman threw herself at him. The Spectre barely had time to register red hair and glittering eyes before she was on him, arms wrapped around his chest. Finally his brain caught up.

"Kelly?"

"I was afraid you were dead!"

The woman pulled away, brushing hair from her eyes. Everything about her looked tired, dark circles under her eyes and scratches on her hands. Unlike the pristine Cerberus uniform he'd seen her in every day aboard the Normandy here she was wearing a wrinkled set of civilian clothes. Even the hug she had given him had spoken of exhaustion. After everything that had happened, especially on Sur'Kesh, he couldn't make any assumptions, though.

"You're not with Cerberus anymore, Kelly?"

"No. Not after you turned yourself in. I just kind of... disappeared, I guess no one cared about me," she said with a shrug. "I've been here since the Reapers attacked. Just trying to do... something for all the refugees. There are so many kids without families, people that are hungry or sick."

"You look tired. I'm glad to see you got away from Cerberus, though. The things they're doing now," he trailed off, expression darkening. "Ken and Gabby are back aboard the Normandy, though. If you're interested I'm sure we could find you a bunk."

"I... I can't, Shepard."

Her voice cracked and he reached out a hand, resting it on her shoulder. The look she gave him was tormented and finally a few tears escaped.

"It was just a suggestion, I'm not demanding anything. But we're running on a skeleton crew and I always like having people I can trust."

"Trust? I'm sorry, Shepard... I sent reports to the Illusive Man on all of you. I kept wanting to tell you, but..."

Shepard gave her a reassuring smile. "You were afraid. And I know, Kelly. Hell, I always knew."

"Really?"

"Really. So if that's all that's stopping you... don't let it. I forgive you."

In truth he realized that he did. Kelly's amazingly perky attitude and burning desire to know every detail of the lives of the crew had grated on him at times. And he had always known that the Illusive Man was getting reports on all of their psychological conditions and goings on. But then, Miranda had been sending the same reports. Not once had Kelly shown the slightest bit of malice in anything she'd done or said. Shepard was always a big believer in judging people by their actions... but sometimes you had to consider intent as well.

"I wish it was," Kelly said quietly. "But I still... I still have nightmares. About the abduction. I want to help you but I just can't go back on the Normandy. And I've found something here I can do, helping the refugees. It doesn't pay much but I've got a little apartment in the Wards. It makes me feel useful."

"I understand. But you need to do something for me, okay?"

She cocked her head slightly. "What?"

"You're noticeable, Kelly, and I know you. You probably tell every person you meet your name and your life story. Cerberus... they're not lying low anymore. And they've got agents in places I would never have imagined. I won't tell you to stop helping, but you need to make some changes. Get a new ID, change your appearance."

"I don't have my Cerberus contacts anymore, Commander," she said with a sigh.

"No, you've got Spectre contacts now. Contact Commander Bailey at C-Sec. Tell him it's a personal request from me. He'll get you new documents, that sort of thing."

Kelly smiled, and for a brief moment some of the fatigue disappeared. "Thank you. You... didn't have to do that. Oh! I almost forgot, I'm so tired. Silly me. I have your babies!"

For a brief moment Shepard's brain completely locked up, trying to process what she'd just said. His jaw worked without sound until he finally managed to form words.

"You have my what?"

"The fish! And Urz. What did you think I meant?"

"I'm not entirely sure, but it doesn't matter now. You have my fish?" he asked.

"Of course. When you surrendered the Normandy I got a message from... a certain information broker. She said that your personal effects were being removed and the 'pets' were going to be disposed of unless someone took them."

Shepard frowned. "They were going to kill my damn fish? And Urz?"

"I guess so. So I took them in. The fish aren't too happy, though, I couldn't afford a tank as big as the one you have on the Normandy. I can have them delivered, though! And Urz. Tiny warning, though..." Kelly trailed off for a moment, grinning at him sheepishly. "He's gotten used to sleeping on the bed."

"Well, now I'm not sure what to say, but thank you. I'm glad to see someone took care of them when I was too irresponsible to think ahead. You can keep Urz with you, if you want. I mean a ship isn't necessarily the best place and if he's gotten used to you..."

"No, it's alright. I'm technically not even supposed to have pets over thirty kilos anyways."

"Yea, definitely over that limit."

She nodded. "Definitely. I'll have them all delivered to the Normandy as soon as I make it home. Thank you again, Commander. I'm so glad I got to see you."

"I think you can call me Shepard at least, Kelly."

"Thanks... Shepard."

The universe was full of small coincidences. At least for once it had been a good one, giving him a brief moment where he didn't want to put his fist through a bulkhead. Watching Kelly walk away, he opened up his omni-tool and did a quick scan, shaking his head as he immediately picked her up. Open frequency of course, sharing mode activated. Tapping a few keys he accessed her operating system. He was no hacker on par with Kasumi or Tali, but he could do a few things. Especially to a system as poorly secured as Kelly's.

A few minutes later he terminated the connection, long after she'd moved out of sight. She probably wouldn't even notice for awhile, but eventually she'd find her ID no longer broadcasting - in fact it wasn't even registered under her name of 'Kelly Chambers' anymore, but rather one of the default OS user names. Before he'd completed the wipe he'd also made a small deposit into her credit account; the least he could do. She was Normandy crew, whether she still served on the ship or not.

His business done, Shepard continued on, stepping into the elevator and keying in Huerta Memorial into the pad before settling in for the usual long ride. When the doors to the hospital finally opened he was immediately faced with a harried looking asari in medical garb, a nurse if he read the insignia right. She gave him a quick look over and shook her head.

"You don't look critically injured. I'm sorry, sir, but we're operating at capacity. For any non-life threatening conditions I can direct you to a clinic a few levels down."

"I'm not here for treatment, I'm visiting a friend. Can you give me the room number for Lieutenant Commander Ashley Williams?"

"Williams? Oh. Oh! You're Commander Shepard! I'm sorry, everyone is starting to look the same. I mean, not just the humans," she added quickly.

"It's alright. The room?"

"Of course. She's in... 314B."

"Thanks."

On impulse Shepard stopped at the small gift shop the hospital maintained. Some sort of ingrained hospital etiquette told him he should show up with an offering of some kind. The issue he quickly discovered with hospital gift shops was that they didn't exactly cater to wounded marines. Teddy bears and candy, flowers, little trinkets... not exactly marine fare, unless you were going for some odd kind of joke. He was about to leave when he spotted something behind the counter that caught his eye.

"Are those actual books?"

The salarian, previously engrossed in whatever he was doing on his omni-tool, looked up and nodded rapidly. "Yes, started stocking them when we saw a larger influx of human patients. Some of your people are oddly attached to physical copies of words. I find it rather... antiquated, but I just work here."

"Some of us get attached to old things. They remind us of better times," he explained quietly. "Can you hand me that one?"

"Of course."

His eyes had been right. The book was small, with a green plastic cover, certainly no find antique. But scrawled across the front in silver, looping script it read 'Tennyson - In Memoriam A.H.H. and other collected works'. Setting the item down on the counter he activated his omni-tool and made the necessary credit transfer to the clerk without further debate. The chances of finding a better peace offering for the wounded marine seemed slim. A voice at his elbow almost sent him reaching for a gun that wasn't there before the sound registered.

"Interesting. In our conversations, I never thought you as one for poetry."

Dark eyes and a faint smirk greeted him when he turned around, extending his hand.

"Still sneaking around, Thane? I hadn't expected to find you here."

The drell clasped his hand firmly but Shepard could feel a faint tremor there. Thane had served well during the mission to stop the Collectors. His penance, he called it, for a life as an assassin and a final act of a dying man. Seeing him alive was a relief, but he could see signs of strain in the man's eyes and the way he walked as they exited the gift shop.

"This is where I live now," he said simply.

"I see."

They stepped over to the large bay windows that looked out over the Presidium. He held the book behind his back and watched the stream of aircars disappear into the distance for a few long moments before speaking again, already hating the words as he said them.

"There's a war on out there. I could use someone with your skills."

"Would that I could put them at your disposal once more, Commander, but I fear it would not be as it was before. My illness has sapped my stamina, dulled my reflexes with pain. There comes a time when one must step away from conflict. I am sorry that my time has come already."

He looked over at the man and shook his head. "No, don't be sorry for that. Be sorry that you're not getting the time you deserve. You're a good man, Thane. I hope if you took anything away from your time on the Normandy, it was that."

"I learned much aboard the Normandy, Shepard. But do not worry about me. I have good doctors. My son visits regularly."

"Kolyat? How is he?"

Thane smiled. "Well. When Commander Bailey was promoted he hired Kolyat officially rather than in his previous 'consulting' capacity. Just before the conflict broke out he informed me that he would be eligible to take his detective evaluations within a few months."

"Detective in barely a year?"

"Yes. Apparently he has applied himself admirably and while I did not approve of him following... my path, the skills I have been able to impart have proven valuable. My son will walk a more righteous path. I..." the drell trailed off as a wet, unpleasant sounding cough overtook him for a moment. Shepard moved to help but he was waved off.

"My apologies, it takes me suddenly sometimes. I am fine."

The Spectre winced at the pained sound in the drell's voice. "I wish there was more I could do."

"You have already done much, Shepard. And I am at peace. It is freeing to find no requirements placed on me. No responsibilities, no fears. It is a good end to a life."

"The Reapers are here," Shepard said. "If you have no fears... you're a better man than I am."

The drell's hand was on his shoulder now. "I have no fears because I have a greater strength, Shepard. I have faith. Now I believe you are here to see the human that was just moved out of ICU. Ashley Williams?"

He didn't question the other man's faith. Who was he, in times such as this, to voice his doubts about any higher power? Instead, he simply nodded in agreement.

"She was hurt on a mission under my command. After everything with Cerberus our friendship was more than little strained. I wanted to check in on her, maybe make a 'let bygones by bygones' speech. Hence the book."

"Good. In these times friends cannot afford to mistrust. While I am not... up to my previous standards, my mind is still unclouded and my strength has not left me completely. I will watch over her while she here."

"Thank you, Thane. It's good to have a few friends left in the galaxy."

Thane inclined his head respectfully. "Arashu watch over you, Shepard."


The closest description she could give whenever the doctors asked that most inane question 'where does it hurt' was 'everywhere'. Ashley Williams had a long list of things she was not a fan of. Aliens had been at the top of that list three years ago, but serving aboard the Normandy had softened her views there, both by association and Shepard's own stubborn refusal to accept her prejudices. Doctors, lawyers, and politicians, though? Those were still on the list. Chakwas had gotten a pass, but she was starting to eye the IV line in her arm for its uses as a possible garrote if one more cheerful nurse woke her up in the middle of the night for yet another test or medication.

If she was completely honest, however, she would admit that Ashley was mad at Ashley. For being in a damn hospital in the first place, getting herself hurt when she should have been on the Normandy or back on Earth. Fighting the Reapers. Doing something. Instead she was listening to doctors talk about regeneration timelines. Or Udina, managing to be even more irritating, coming to her to discuss the possibility of becoming a Spectre of all things.

What had she done to earn herself that sort of title? Getting the crap beaten out of you by a killer robot hardly seemed the best thing to add to a resume. Udina had certainly laid it on thick, though. Told her that she was an exceptional soldier and that the galaxy, and Earth, needed people like her now more than ever. Praised her loyalty and courage. Some part of her craved the praise. The thought that the Williams legacy of shame was finally disappearing. But a larger part couldn't help but feel like something was off about the entire situation.

Lost in her own thoughts she missed the door opening until a deep voice interrupted her chain of self-loathing.

"Buck up, Williams. You're not going to heal up looking like your dog just died. That's an order."

She responded on instinct. "Yes, sir."

Shepard chuckled. "That's better."

Once her brain caught up to her mouth she looked at the man more closely. Shepard might have been ordering her to get better, but it seemed like he needed to take his own advice. There were dark circles under his eyes, not to mention the general paleness of his skin or the rough layer of stubble that covered his jaw. He had never exactly been the clean cut and proper type of CO, she had respected him more for that in truth, but now he just looked vaguely unkempt.

"I... ah, brought you something. I'm sure you could find it all on the extranet but, well... here," he said, placing a small book on the edge of her bed.

Picking it up she smiled, even though the expression alone hurt her bruised face. Tennyson. Death, coma... whatever it was Cerberus had done to him apparently hadn't affected his memory.

"Thanks, sir. Extranet or not a book just... feels right, you know?"

"I won't argue with that. How are you feeling?"

She gave an unladylike snort. "Like I got hit by a truck. The nurse told me you visited. After they brought me in that first day. Guess I was still unconscious."

"You didn't really seem up to a conversation at the time, no," Shepard said, the humor fading from his voice a moment later. "Had us all worried for a minute there, Ash. I wondered if I was going to have another ghost haunting me."

Ashley did her best to keep her response light. "No hauntings, Shepard. I haven't been to church in awhile but I think I'm still good with the big guy upstairs."

"I'm sure you are. I'm sure you're tired. I don't want to impose..."

"No, it's okay. I mean, if you're still... willing to talk. I mean you made it pretty clear where we stood on Mars."

He arched an eyebrow. "Where we stood?"

"That you're not with Cerberus anymore. Full stop."

"I never was. I just wish you'd have believed me the first time I said it," the Spectre said with a sigh.

Unable to suppress a wince she leaned back against the bed. Horizon. Ashley had kicked herself for months over that, rehearsed in her head how it could have gone better. If she'd said something different, made a different choice... Instead she had effectively called her former commanding officer and traitor and threatened to kill him. And as much as she wanted to trust him, every time she looked at him Cerberus' damn experiments had flashed in her head.

"I know. Things just got out of hand. All the things we saw Cerberus do, then all the rumors after you suddenly came back from the dead?"

"Rumors?"

"You've probably heard most of them," she said. "The first ones were that someone had cloned the famous Commander Shepard. All the conspiracy nuts were accusing various governments. Then we just started getting reports of 'incidents'. Purgatory's destruction. Some kind of gang war on Omega. By the time Horizon came around..."

"You thought I was a Cerberus puppet." The statement wasn't an accusation, but the bitterness in his tone was difficult to miss.

Ashley sighed. "Yea, I did. And it made it hard. I don't know what to say. I reacted badly, okay?"

"Did you just apologize? Too bad Wrex isn't here. I'm sure he'd get a kick out of that."

The sudden change in tone caught her off guard and she laughed, a painful experience, considering her bruised ribcage. "Oh. Ow ow... goto hell."

"Go to hell...?" he paused, brows raised in expectation.

She shot him a cross look but relented. "Go to hell... sir."

"That's the Ashley Williams I remember," Shepard said, his smile weary as he moved back to more serious topics. "I don't know what to tell you from here, Ash. The galaxy is going to hell all on its own and we have to stop it. But we're going to have to trust one another."

Swallowing heavily she nodded. "I know. Just give me time, let me figure this all out and get away from these damned doctors."

Shepard stood and moved to the door, looking back but not at her, gaze fixed on somewhere far away. "Just get better and if you need anything just drop me a line. Things are getting bad out there, Ash, and people are going to need someone to lead them."

Then he was gone, out the door and onto the next mission. Taking the fight to the Reapers somewhere in the galaxy without her, though not for long if she had anything to say about it. She looked down at the small book he'd given her and then back to the doorway, rolling his last words around in her mind before speaking to the empty room.

"I thought you were the one that was supposed to lead us, Shepard..."


"Daro'Xen has given us the tools we need. We would be fools not to take this opportunity!"

"We would be fools to start a war while the Reapers burn worlds!" Tali snapped. "J- Shepard warned us, all of us, that they were coming. And now that he's been proven right, you want to start a war with the geth?"

"You have not been an admiral long, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy," Daro'Xen interjected, her tone dripping with condescension as she lingered over her ship name. "Maybe you do not understand the necessity of those in our position to make difficult decisions."

Tali wanted to scream in frustration, to just grab the others and shake them. How could they not see what they were doing? And worst of all, it was one of the few people that she had trusted, Han'Gerrel, leading the charge into madness - proposing that they strike at the geth with Daro'Xen's new countermeasures and reclaim the homeworld in one fell swoop. They had already begun arming the Flotilla for war in the months previous. She had naively thought that they had taken her warnings of the impending Reaper threat seriously.

No more seriously than the humans, apparently. The thought stabbed her like a knife and a wave of bitterness threatened to choke her. She had seen the videos from Shepard's court martial that Liara had somehow acquired and, with reluctance, provided to her. He had left her behind to warn his people, to accept 'responsibility for his actions' he'd said... and they had locked him away.

"Don't lecture me on difficult decisions, Xen."

Zaal'Koris, of all people, came to her aid. "Tali might be one of the youngest admirals ever appointed but I think it was made abundantly clear she makes up that in experience."

"You only care because it supports your position. Less than a year ago you were doing your best to exile your new ally," Han'Gerrel countered.

"Unlike some, I am willing to learn from my mistakes."

Gerrel slammed a fist on the table. "Not retaking our homeworld when we have a chance would be a mistake!"

"Please, calm yourself, Han," Shala'Raan urged.

Ever the peacemaker, her dear aunt. The woman that had been her rock after the death of her mother, providing the support that her father couldn't, or wouldn't, give her. For all the fondness in Tali's heart, though, in this moment she couldn't help but feel resentment. Shala wanted peace and communion; all the things that quarians most valued. An admirable outlook for someone that was supposed to represent the best interests of the people, but one that meant she was far too hesitant to take a firm stance when it came down to the wire. A mother hen that couldn't bear to fight her charges.

Down to the wire. Mother hen... I really did pick up too many human idioms from John.

"I do not see why this is even a debate," Xen sighed. "The conclave clearly favors retaking the homeworld... and we have the ability to do so. What logical reason is there to not do so?"

"Other than the thousands of sentient starships currently invading half the galaxy?" Tali asked, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Or would you like to ask them politely to wipe out all organic life except us?"

Maybe a little too much from Shepard.

"I think you make my point exactly."

Tali blinked behind her visor. "What?"

"As your human captain so eloquently pointed out when he was last among us, these Reapers are a threat to the entire galaxy. If he intends to ask for our aid then we will need a refuge for our civilians. We cannot risk our entire race," Xen pointed out, voice silky now. "I'd think even the great Commander Shepard would agree with that."

Turning her own words against her. All Tali could do was grind her teeth at the audacity of the woman. Did she really think that Shepard would have agreed with anything that came out of her mouth? But there was enough twisted logic there that she couldn't just dismiss the woman. Admiral or not, she was out of her depth. They had given her the position out of respect for her father and he knowledge of the geth, using her popularity among some sections of the Flotilla to support their own agendas.

Now all Tali could do was wish she had never accepted the offer. But it was a long list of things she wished for. She wished that her father hadn't died in the first place, leaving the responsibility of her entire people on her unprepared shoulders. She wished that her arguments had been more convincing when Shepard had decided to turn himself in, that she'd been good enough to keep him there, to understand the sudden distance in his eyes. That she didn't feel tears of pain and anger welling up whenever she looked at the ancient stone tablets that sat in her small room, a heartfelt gift that now just reminded her of what she'd lost all over again.

And in that moment she wished she could just punch Daro'Xen right in her smug face plate.

"Admiral Xen is right, I am afraid, Tali," Shala said. "If we are going to help win this war, we must have a place to protect our civilians."

The words still felt like a betrayal, even if she could understand her aunt's reasoning behind them. Han'Gerrel leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table and steepling his fingers. "Then I call a vote. We go to war with the geth, and we retake the homeworld. I vote aye."

"Aye," Daro'Xen agreed immediately.

Zaal'Koris shook his head vehemently and Tali did the same, their vote the same. "Nay."

"Aye."

She looked to Shala sadly. If only she knew the words to say, to convince them all of what she already knew. To let them see what she had learned while aboard the Normandy, how Legion had spoken to her, told her things, even saved her life. But she didn't have the words. There were no clever speeches that she could muster to sway their minds. Han'Gerrel merely nodded, leaning back in his seat.

"Then it is done. We go to war. Keelah se'lai."

The words were ashes in her mouth.

"Keelah se'lai."