(A/N So sorry about the delay - my Beta was busy having a life instead of proofreading. Here is chapter 4! Enjoy)
Chapter 4
? May 2011
"C'mere, pussycat…" The imposter closed the distance between him and Kanji, stopping in front of him. He reached out and touched the fabric of Kanji's T-shirt, before tracing his fingers over the faint shape of his muscles. "Oh... Such well-defined pecs…" Kanji could feel his heart racing at the touch. "There's no need to be scared…" Kanji knocked his hand away and stepped back, his hands balled into fists. He wasn't scared of him. Physically, he was just a dude, right? And guys ain't scary. The things that prick were saying though, he didn't have an answer to them. It was like his dad all over again, telling him to become strong if he wanted to be a man, as though he knew... as though everyone knew that he wasn't. He wasn't strong. He wasn't a real man.
"Stop… stop it." Kanji said, his voice strained. "Just… leave me alone, dammit." His voice was rapidly losing its fire. He just felt so freakin' exhausted. There was a noise ringing through the bath house. A series of growls and snarls.
The impostor's expression changed. He cocked his head to one side as if listening to something.
"Oh… we have company, Kanji-kun! I had better update them on this show!" His form shimmered, made indistinct with the blue and black smoke that formed around him. He vanished from the room. Kanji sighed.
He didn't know where the bastard had gone; but Kanji could just about hear the echo of his voice ringing around the bathhouse. He contemplated combing through the corridors again; a half-formed idea to find whoever this "company" was. Regardless, he took the opportunity to open the door of the chamber in an attempt to find a breath of fresh air, to try and get away from that all encompassing heat. Beyond the double doors was a sort of antechamber, just as hot and oppressive as the room he was in. That was the end of that idea, then.
What was going to happen now? He couldn't get out. He didn't even know where he was. His phone didn't have any reception; hell, it wasn't even showing the date and time, the display showing an error message. What if... he died in here? Kanji slumped to the ground with his head in his hands, running his fingers through his sweat-slicked hair. The impostor's voice rang through the room as if a TV was playing somewhere.
"Oh, my my! Thank you for your undivided attention! At last, I've penetrated the facility! These images are coming to you live from inside this steamy paradise!" Paradise? This place was hell. "But I've yet to have any charming encounters. Could this hot fog be the cause? It's like steam rising from sweat! Mmmm, my body's tingling with excitement!" Kanji felt sick to his stomach. That bastard was acting as like this was an actual TV show. That disembodied raucous laughter returned, echoing from everywhere and nowhere. The thought that someone else was in here, watching all this, hearing all of those things said with his face, in his voice, terrified him as much as it was a glimmer as hope. If people knew about this, then maybe they could get him out?
"That elusive thing I truly yearn for... Will I finally find it here?" Kanji snorted. Like that bastard knew what he was 'yearning' for. Though... yeah, it would be so good not to have to constantly pretend to be someone he wasn't all the time. The other Kanji giggled, "well then, onward and deeper to reach further realms of romance! Let's get going, dammit!" That last bit was in his voice, not in that annoying flamboyant lisp. That made it all the worse.
The fog was hurting his eyes, the heat simultaneously drying them out and making them water. He had a splitting headache, too. He couldn't remember the last time he ate or drank something. Shit, I would kill for some water right now. And a shower. How long had he been in here? He rested his head on his folded arms, screwing his eyes up tight to block out the bright lights, to try and relieve some of the pain. A warm hand touched the back of his head, stroking his hair. He violently jerked head back despite the pain it caused. The other Kanji had manifested, looming slightly as he stood over him. Just… I didn't even hear you arrive...just fuck off. Please…
"Did you hear that, Kanji-kun? The show is a success! So many people are watching; it is only a matter of time before we get our encounter." His voice was soft and alluring. He reached out again, trailing his fingers down Kanji's cheek and along his jawline.
"S-stop it." The other Kanji stopped his caress and held Kanji's chin between his thumb and forefinger. He tilted his head so that their eyes met, Kanji's full of pain, his shadow's eyes seething yellow.
"You are still resisting me! I can feel it. You just need to give in to-" Kanji shook his head free from his grasp and stood up as quickly as he could, trying to ignore the pain in his head and his protesting muscles as he did so. They stood facing each other, Kanji in his crumpled and sweat-stained school uniform, his other self practically naked, his skin glistening. Kanji was the first to speak. He tried to keep his voice measured and calm.
"A man… A man can't back down at a time like this! "
"'A man can't back down?' Oh Kanji-kun, do you even realise what you are saying?"
"Just watch, and I'll show you…. how manly Kanji Tatsumi can be..." Men are strong. Men don't back down. Men aren't afraid. Men are proud. The other Kanji raised his eyebrow, questioningly.
"And how, exactly, do you plan to do that?"
"…A man's got this thing called pride…" he forced a laugh, "I'll never lose…" I won't … I can't lose to you. If I do then I have to admit that- screw this! The other Kanji laughed.
"Sure. Keep telling yourself that, pussycat."
The bastard had taken off again, leaving Kanji alone inside that room once more.
"Hey there, cutie pie! Are you trying to break the barrier of the acceptable, just like me?"
There was a pause. Someone was responding, but their voices didn't seem to telegraph around the bathhouse in the same way the imposter's voice did. The other him had long since told him that there was someone inside the facility; Kanji was dreading to see who it was.
"Ooh! Does that mean you're yearning for me? Is that so? Oh, that makes me so happy! Well then, I simply must prepare something spectacular for you! I'm so looking forward to seeing you soon! Well, toodaloo!" Kanji stood up, jaw set. Well, whoever they were, if they were getting closer and fighting their way towards him, then he would meet them halfway. He was going to take out the other him.
"This place is heating up from the sudden entry of a fine young man! To celebrate this encounter, I've prepared a special stage tonight! A single match with no time limit! Who will be left standing in the end? Now, pour out your hot blood and guts!" It sounded like he was doing that TV thing again. 'Prepared a stage' he coming back here, then, right?
Kanji cracked his knuckles and rolled his shoulders. God damn his shoulder ached. He couldn't think about that now; he knew he had to focus, maybe hit that bastard when he first manifested. Yeah, that would work. Punch him in that smug face. Kanji began pacing around the room, keeping a look out for the telltale blue-black smoke. It took longer than he anticipated for the other him to arrive.
Eventually, a hint of blue smoke heralded his approach, barely visible in the thick white fog. if Kanji hadn't been looking out for it, he wasn't sure he would have noticed it. Kanji sprinted towards it, just at the edge of the stage, and drew his fist back. The fog stung his eyes, the oppressive heat beat down on him. Letting out a guttural cry, he punched with the last of his strength.
The other Kanji didn't manifest. Kanji tripped, his momentum carrying him further than he anticipated. Wh-what? The bastard had anticipated the punch or something?
There was a giggle behind him. His shadow stood against the closed door, yellow eyes bright with malevolence, his mouth pulled into a sneer. Kanji slumped, his shoulders hunched forward in defeat. He couldn't even be angry any more. That had been the last of it. He wasn't strong enough to continue like this. He'd lost.
"Ooh Kanji-kun! You have tried that already. And whilst I find such a show of manliness quite spectacular, it won't work. Fighting things you don't understand… no… what you do understand and just won't accept- it is so important to you, isn't it?"
"No, dammit... that ain't important…that's not what I want to... that ain't it at all!" He tried to keep the exhaustion from his voice, but he couldn't. he was just so damn tired. The door slammed open and his other self looked up at the intrusion. He was still smiling. Kanji didn't bother to turn around.
It didn't matter that he had lost. He still had his pride, right? He was going to go down fighting, sickness and injuries be damned. He steeled himself, muscles taut, but he couldn't hide just how tired he was, how weary he felt.
"Kanji!" A voice cut through the fog and made him jump; he flinched. He didn't recognise who it was. Who...? No, it was not important damn it - he had to show this...this imposter, this other him, that he was not who he said he was. That everything he had said in this hell had been a lie. He hoped that he looked more convincing that he felt. As they approached, he recognised the school uniform first, and then who they were. Oh. Those guys.
The other Kanji focussed his attention back to him, apparently taking in his stance, his tense muscles, and his scowl. He waved his hand, gesturing at Kanji.
"Oh, come now, enough with the charade. Isn't it awful to deceive people? To deceive yourself…? What's so bad about doing what I want to do?" This again? Shit, was he going to repeat all that crap in front of these guys…?
"That has nothin' to do with it…" His voice was low, tired. He had to say it. Had to say it wasn't true.
"I'm what you really want, aren't I?" The other Kanji's eyes were narrowed, flirty. He'd said that before. It must have been for the benefit of the audience, to those guys from school. People were watching. People like Yukiko, Satonaka and Hanamura were watching. Kanji grimaced. He had to put up a fight, make them see that he wasn't... like this. He would have to show them how wrong this bastard had got it. No matter what he felt, he couldn't let people like that see…
"No..."
"Ohh, how I hate girls! So arrogant and self-centered! They cry if you get angry, they gossip behind your back, they spread nasty lies. They look at me like some… some disgusting thing and say that I'm a weirdo. Laughing at me, all the while!" The other guy was mimicking Kanji's emotions, those feelings of desperate anger and disdain.
" 'You like to sew? What a queer!' 'Painting is so not you.' 'But you're a guy…' 'You don't act like a guy…'; 'Why aren't you manly…'" Shit, he had kept those things hidden for so long. Sewing, painting - things which he had been damn good at ever since he was a kid and mocked for. His other self hadn't finished.
"What does it mean "to be a guy"? what does it mean to be "manly"? Girls are so scary…"
"I-I ain't scared of 'em!" He wasn't scared of anything, right? He took on biker gangs, fought with anyone who looked at him funny. Those guys had run away from him because they were scared of him. He wished he sounded more convincing; even he could tell that his voice was shaking.
"Men are much better…They'd never say those awful, degrading things. Yes, I vastly prefer men…" Have to deny it. I… I will never live this down if I don't deny it…
"Hell with that! What makes you think you can say that shit with my face…!?" His voice was breaking, his throat was sore, his voice hoarse; anger and pain rising in his chest.
"Why, you're me… and I'm you. You do know that, don't you…?" He had said this almost constantly since he had arrived. The more he had repeated it, the more Kanji had resisted. He screwed up the last of his energy and shouted at the imposter.
"No… Nuh-uh! No way! There's no way in hell that you're me!" Whilst some of what that thing said was true, he was not going to admit that in front of some kids from his school.
The imposter look taken slightly aback, before giggling a humorless laugh. It seemed to be what it had been pushing for this entire time. Dark smoke swirling around it as it began to change, transform, grow into a new monstrous form.
...the hell?
The other Kanji was surrounded by roses, his arms wrapped over himself in a caress. He no longer looked smug, or sneering; he looked slightly worried and... a little upset? He was sitting on a monstrous form of a man, its huge arms holding the symbols of Mars. He towered above everyone in the room.
More smoke swirled, and two more male figures appeared, one side of them a pale grey, the other black. They looked like bodybuilders, musclebound and huge.
"You're me, and there's no denying it! I'm just being true to myself… And that's why…I'll get rid of anything in my way!"
Kanji couldn't fight them. He couldn't will his body to fight. He had resisted and fought every step of the way and now he didn't have any more strength to give. His schoolmates didn't seem to have that problem, rushing forward with weapons drawn. Weapons… how did they have weapons?
It was too fast a fight to keep up with; in the fog he could only make out indistinct shapes and forms. The two hulking guys were quick and strong, grunting and striking. The other Kanji was moaning, taunting, flirting. There were so many shouts from his schoolmates too, words which he didn't understand.
It was finally over. The other him wasn't moving.
"Kanji-kun!" Yukiko ran up to his side, laying a hand on his shoulder. He flinched at the touch. He didn't want that right now. He couldn't… couldn't accept that… that other… him.
"Wait, Yukiko! Something's…" Hanamura's voice was shaky. From the corner of his eye Kanji could see the familiar blue smoke of his other self rise as it stood up to face them, not backing down.
"I-It's still coming at us! Kanji's still rejecting it…" That weird bear thing said, running behind the one he called "sensei." The fourth one of their party. Kanji hadn't caught his name.
"Well, I can't blame him with this many witnesses…" said Hanamura. Kanji scowled. Sure… witnesses like you, Hanamura.
His other self still wasn't finished. His voice was ragged, he sounded tired and weak, but he persisted. "Such a passionate approach…"
"What?" Hanamura just didn't get it.
"I think that you three… would make wonderful boyfriends." God damn it, shut up. Kanji stood up, knocking Yukiko's hand aside as he did so.
"S-Stop it! Y-You got it all wrong!" Hanamura looked scared, shouting at the other Kanji who was smiling weakly, trying to look appealing. He was trying to flirt, but he looked exhausted. Kanji had had enough.
"Enough…" He walked in front of his other self, effectively stopping Hanamura from talking. He spoke to the other him directly. "Stop… What the hell are you blabbering about…?" He squinted through the fog. He actually felt sorry for the guy, in a way. He looked so weak, no, vulnerable.
"I don't care who… Won't someone, anyone, please accept me…?" That made his stomach turn; he felt like he had been struck a blow. He clenched his teeth together. He no longer felt afraid, or angry or anything; he was just, weary.
"Stop… it…" Stop now.
"Accept me for who I am!" That hurt so damn much.
"Wh-Whoa! I really don't swing that way!" Hanamura still didn't get it; still arguing with the other guy. Kanji ignored him; he wasn't important right now. He spoke to his other self again.
"I said stop it!"
"Kanji, you're…" Shut it, Hanamura. Kanji faced his shadow head on, looking him in the eye before pulling back his fist and punching him in the face. It was a weak punch and he hadn't expected it to connect after so many failed attempts. The imposter fell backwards immediately and laid on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. Kanji stood over him, ignoring his newfound audience. He sighed, and spoke quietly to his other self.
"Yeah, I know. I've known all this time I had something like you. It ain't a matter of guys or chicks... I'm just scared shitless of being rejected. I'm a total pansy who tries to make everyone hate me." His other self didn't respond. " … C'mon, get up. Anyone who looks like me, I know they ain't so weak they can't take a punch. I already know that you're me. You're me… and I'm you, dammit."
The other Kanji faded away; in its place a flash of blinding light. Kanji heard a deep rumbling in the back of his mind, loud and deep as thunder. He knew its name; Take-Mikazuchi.
He shivered and felt his knees buckle. There was a startled noise from Yukiko.
"It's… It's nothin'…" Nope, his legs were giving way. He sat heavily on the floor. His head span. He was just going to sit here from a short while. The others looked concerned, though Hanamura had a weird look on his face.
Kanji forced a laugh. "I feel great… It's like my mind's all cleared up…" It... was partly true. He still had a splitting headache, and he felt sick to his stomach, but he felt like the worst had happened. People had seen this part of him; it couldn't get any worse. And, in a way, it hadn't gone that badly. These guys had seen his terrible secret and they were still here.
He had a hell of a lot to think about. A shit ton. But he could do that later, and more importantly he could do that alone. It ain't about boys and girls, I'm just so shit scared of no-one accepting me. He had to make sure that these guys wouldn't say anything though.
"Hey… About what just happened…"
For some reason they were in Junes. Of all the places Kanji expected to come out into, especially once they had left the sauna and into that TV studio place, it hadn't been here.
He couldn't have said how long he had been in there, but it was enough time for him to almost come accustomed to not being able to see more than a few feet in front of him, and to get used to the oppressively hot air. The evening felt freezing in comparison even indoors. Everything hurt like a bitch; his muscles ached; he had a pounding headache. He was exhausted and starving hungry.
He hadn't wanted any help getting back to the shop, insisting that he could walk home by himself, but the four of them had been oddly persistent that he was taken home. It hadn't helped that his legs had buckled after a few steps and he had dropped to the floor in the middle of the electronics department. In the end it was Hanamura who volunteered to take him back.
"Come on, I'll get you home." Yosuke held out his hand.
"You don't need to-"
"Hey it's fine. Don't worry about it. I'm Yosuke, by the way, Yosuke Hanamura." He pulled Kanji up and he leaned heavily on his shoulders.
"Heh, you already know who I am. Kanji Tatsumi."
They walked in silence for the most part; the only noise being an occasional grunt from Kanji as his shoulder was jostled, or his heavy breathing as they laboured along the streets of the shopping district.
They got a few weird looks as they carefully made their way back, especially as they passed the residential district, but no one commented. Heh, they wouldn't freakin' dare. It probably looked like he had just been in a fight again. Hanamura said that he had an excuse lined up, that he "found" Kanji in the street or something, but they thankfully hadn't had to use it. It was a pretty weak excuse.
"Hey big guy, how're you holding up?"
"Tired. I guess." It was an understatement; he was trying not to fall flat on his face from sheer exhaustion.
"You should sleep it off."
"Yeah… my head's killin' me."
"Well, it has been over a week."
"W-What?"
"We tried to get you out sooner, but damn there were a lotta Shadows in that dungeon-"
"A- a week?" It hadn't felt that long. But then again, it had felt like forever when he was in there. His legs felt so weak, and he felt sick and dizzy. He just wanted to go home. Kanji had noticed that he was relying on Hanamura more and more; with every step they took, he was letting more of his weight rest on his shoulders. Hanamura didn't say anything, though he did seem to be struggling somewhat.
They eventually arrived at the northern part of the shopping district. It was getting late, the sun had set and the only light was coming from the streetlamps. The shop was up head.
"Hey, stop a minute." Kanji took a deep breath and pushed away from Hanamura, balancing a little unsteadily as he stood on his own accord. His Ma would be worried sick if he had really been gone that long; the last thing she needed was to see him being carried in. He was not going to be able to walk far though. He just needed to get inside the house, right? He would crawl into bed if he had to. Hell, even the tatami floor would be enough.
"You gonna be ok?" Hanamura was stretching, obviously relieved not to be carrying him any more.
"Yeah. I'm just gonna crash." Quite literally, if I don't get inside soon. Kanji nodded curtly, before slipping into his home. Closing the door behind him, he finally let exhaustion take over.
