Chapter Sixteen-
The ride in the ambulance was a bit of a blur for Beca. She had never been in an ambulance before and wasn't really sure how to feel. One feeling she hated herself for feeling, was feeling betrayed.
She was angry. It hurt her to say it, but she was angry. She felt betrayed by Chloe calling security and giving away her secret. Now everyone would know.
Beca suddenly felt panicked. How many people had seen her be wheeled out and put in the ambulance? Would she be talked about? What if they saw her arms and knew? What if she had become the crazy person on campus? How could she ever go to class again after what happened?
She vaguely remembered what happened. Chloe and Aubrey had arrived, Chloe full on sobbing and pulled in to hug her, whispering that she was sorry the whole time. Aubrey she stood there looking…worried. It was a bit of a funny thought to Beca, the thought that Aubrey could possibly be worried about her.
Her dad called Chloe and told her he would meet Beca at the hospital and hopefully make it the minute she got there. Chloe wasn't allowed to ride in the ambulance even though Beca had begged her to come. Chloe grabbed onto her hands before she was wheeled on.
"I'm going to meet you right at the hospital, okay? Even if they won't let us in, we will be waiting outside for you, okay?"
"Come with me" Beca mumbled.
"I can't, honey. I'm sorry. But I love you. I'm sorry this had to happen."
"You shouldn't have told." Beca said quietly.
"I'm not letting you die, Beca. I don't regret calling for help at all. What I regret is that I didn't do it sooner." Chloe kissed her forehead before stepping away from the gurney. Then Beca just stared at the ceiling of the ambulance, trying to figure out how all of this happened.
The stitches were the easy part, although she did have to get a shit ton of them. The harder part was having to explain to her father what had been going on.
"I don't understand what happened, Beca." Her father said. "I know you don't like to really talk to me about…anything, but couldn't you have come to me before you started cutting yourself? That's some serious stuff, Beca. Why in God's name would you want to do this?"
"There's just…I don't know. Something about me that refuses to be happy even when things are going right. I just think everything is going to end up going wrong for me. And then when things to go wrong, I don't know how to handle it. I didn't want to talk and I didn't know what to do so…cutting just happened." Beca shook her head. "I don't know how to really explain this to you. I don't fully understand it myself. It was just something that I felt I needed to do."
"But this time, you cut really deep. Was that-"
Beca quickly cut him off. "No, Dad. I wasn't trying to die. I don't want to die. I have dreams for my future and things I want to do. Sometimes it seems hopeless, but I really don't want to die. Frankly, death scares me a bit. I just cut too deep. And that scared me a lot."
"You know, this could have really hurt you. And it probably already has."
Beca just shrugged. "I'm not happy I started doing this shit. If I thought there was anything else-"
"There were ton of things you could have done! Talked to counseling, talk to those girls that I met in the waiting room, talked to me, Jesus you could have called a hotline or something. There were people there for you who wanted to help-"
"I didn't think it would work!" Beca insisted.
"But…" To Beca's horror, his voice cracked a little bit. She had never seen her father cry. Was she about to cause that? "But you could have tried. You could have found something else that helped you cope with everything."
"I'm willing to try now." Beca told her dad. "I don't want to do this. I want help."
Her dad looked at her, looking like he was really trying to choke down tears. "We will get you the help you need, okay? We will get it."
The doctor's felt like Beca needed to spend a few days in the psychiatric unit, just to get her on some medication and, according to one of them, "learn some coping skills". Beca was a bit tense. National's was in three weeks and they needed her music and editing in order to do well.
Beca was nervous as the doctor walked her to the elevator so they could go down into the psychiatric wing. The only thing she knew about mental hospitals was from the scary shit they showed on tv. Beca was quite surprised as she entered the unit.
There was a desk area in the middle where it looked like the nurses were working. Across from the nurse's station there were a few couches sit up around a tv. Four adults, all varying in age, sat in normal but comfortable clothes as they watched what looked like one of the Batman movies. Next to the couches were a bunch of tables with some bookshelves on the wall and a middle aged man with short brown hair appeared to be working on a puzzle. There was nothing scary about the unit; it looked very relaxing a sort of resembled, in some ways, the lounge area in her dorm, minus the various art decorations on the walls.
"Hi, you must be Beca." A thin nurse with short blonde hair came up and greeted Beca. "Let me check you into your room."
After the nurse searched Beca and the small amount of things Beca had brought, the nurse asked Beca if she needed anything.
"Can I use the phone?" Beca asked. She had written down Chloe's number after the doctor's told her she wouldn't be able to have her cell phone on the unit.
"Yes, if no one else is using it, you can."
"How do I get people to visit me? Can they just say they know me or…"
"Actually, I was going to have you come up with a four digit code that they need to give to the front desk before they can see or call you. If you have one, I can write it down right now."
Beca gave her the same code she had on her phone and walked over to the phone area which was on the other side of the nurses' station and dialed Chloe's number.
"Hello?" Beca heard Chloe ask a bit confused.
"Chloe, it's Beca."
"Beca!" Chloe's voice went up several octaves. "Where are you? They haven't told us anything we've been in the waiting area. Are you okay? Can we see you? When will you be out?"
Beca gave her the code and explained how to get to the unit. "I'll see you in a few minutes, okay?"
"Is it okay if Aubrey comes?"
Beca hesitated before agreeing. "But she has to know she is completely third wheeling what is going to be an extremely sexy mental hospital date."
"I love your dirty talk." Chloe laughed. "I'll see you in a few."
Chloe nearly tackled Beca when she arrived. Beca held the girl closer to her and sighed. She always felt safe in Chloe's arms.
"Are they allowed in my room?" Beca asked the blonde nurse.
"Yes, just…behave, okay? And leave the door open." She answered. Beca grabbed Chloe's hand and led her down the hallway to her room.
"This is my fantastic crib, yo." Beca laughed although the room honestly was quite nice and not scary at all. She had a double bed which matched the pleasant bright colors on the wall. She also had a desk, a wardrobe, and her own bathroom.
"Shit, this is nicer than my dorm was freshman year to be honest." Chloe laughed.
"How long do you think you will be here?" Aubrey asked. Beca sighed and motioned for them to sit on her bed by her.
"The doctor said they want me on a 72 hour hold. Then they will see how I am and, if I'm good, I can leave."
"Okay." Chloe nodded.
"Thank God." Aubrey believed.
"Yes, don't worry, I should be able to get the fully mix out soon." Beca sighed.
"Very appropriate, Aubrey. Worrying about the team first. Nice." Chloe scolded.
"Sorry, you are right. That was insensitive." Aubry admitted. "I am worried about you as well. I wish I had known about what was going on."
"Why?" Beca asked in a politely curious way.
Aubrey glanced at Chloe who nodded. Aubrey than said, "I didn't get to this point, but I used to cut myself briefly as well."
"What?"
"I was younger, probably about fourteen. I'm sure you've noticed I have a tiny bit of an anxiety problem."
"Tiny bit." Chloe scoffed.
"Shut up." Aubrey smiled than turned back to Beca. "I didn't do it long. Probably only for a month before I got caught. They didn't hospitalize me but I started going to a therapist and taking medicine. Something else that helped a lot was I got more involved in performing. I would feel anxious before taking the stage still, but pretty once I was onstage my worries went away. I was doing something I loved and that made me feel great. I guess it would be my "coping skill" as therapists love to call it."
"Don't get her wrong, she is still anxious. Like crazy anxious."
"Oh God yes." Aubrey nodded. "But I no longer feel a need to punish myself. I no longer need to cut just to feel something besides stress. I found what I care about, am seeing a therapist, I'm on medication, and with all of that I'm able to cope with whatever comes to me." Aubrey smiled at Beca. "And soon you will be able to as well. And I can't wait to see that happen to you."
Beca smiled. "Thanks, Aubrey."
"Of course." Aubrey nodded and stood up. "Now, as much as I care about you both, I feel like I am fully third wheeling this date, so I'm going to let you two have some time together. Beca, is it okay if I come back next time with Chloe?"
"Of course." Beca nodded. "Wait, there is one more person who I want you to give my number too. I'll get some paper from the front desk." Aubrey and Chloe followed as Beca scribbled down a name and her number and code. "Thanks, Aubrey."
"I'm not sure I approve…"
"Just let her, Aubrey. You worry too much." Chloe laughed and grabbed onto Beca's hand. "Come on, let's go back to your room."
