DISGAIDEN
Part 3: Pvt. Kiddo vs. Sexy Queen Etna
An entire army of Sea Angel class monsters splashed out of the flowing waters of Lethe like synchronized swimmers, floating in the air in majestic patterns before surrounding the Prinny Squadron and their new recruit.
"Lowalski, head count, dood!" Kippers ordered.
"One hundred strong! At 250 Hell per pop, we're looking at 25,000 Hell, dood!" Lowalski reported.
"Okay, Kiddo! Show us what you're made of, dood! If you can kill them in under five minutes, you'll pass the speed test, dood!"
"'Kay," the demon girl replied dully and leapt toward the many feminine creatures. They crooned with their singing voices, and then their faces and heads opened up like mutant plants to unleash a flurry of tentacles at her. She simply teleported out of the tentacles' line of fire faster than one could blink, which greatly confused the Sea Angels. She reappeared high in the air behind them and summoned thousands of glowing white feathers that straightened into sharp quills. The girl shot her arm forth, commanding the feathers to plunge at the Sea Angels like a torrent of brilliant bullets.
"DOOOOOOOOD!" Ryan shouted in sheer awe. The Prinny Squad felt like they were watching a fireworks show, except this one was going to tear apart hundreds of monsters all at once.
The Sea Angels panicked and tried to scatter about, but the combination of them bumping into each other in a frenzied state and the feather bullets proved to be their undoing. The quills pierced through each one effortlessly, even tearing apart their tentacles. Each one plummeted back into the water from whence they came from, their dead bodies and blood tainting Lethe River. A pack of Shark Dragons surfaced from deep below the currents and voraciously feasted upon this surprise rain of corpses.
The little demon girl landed near the astounded Prinny Squad and asked Kippers, "What'sh my time?"
"Oh, uh, uh… Lowalski!" Kippers uttered.
The taller Prinny stopped his watch and announced, "Twenty seconds, dood."
"Forget a five minute time limit, Kippers! You should give her at least a minute tops, dood!" Ryan ecstatically said, and Reeko nodded in agreement.
"Well, let's save that for tomorrow, dood. Now we move on to the Flora Beast colony for the endurance test, dood," Kippers said and began to lead the pack to their next destination.
"Muuuu…" the girl whined and rubbed her lethargic eyes.
"Uh, Kippers? I think she's getting tired, dood," Ryan pointed out.
"Tired, huh? What're you going to do, dood? I guess just landing here after traveling through space and then being put through the gamut is going to put a strain on such a little kid, dood. All right, boys, let's pack it up for tonight! Reeko, you and I will scout the Forgotten Garden, dood. Lowalski, you're in charge of observing the Orc Hamlet's movements, dood. Private, take the Kiddo back to Prinny Village and get her settled in, dood."
"Aye aye, sir!" the Private saluted, and then took the girl's hand and told her, "Let's go to my home village and get you to bed, dood. You must have had a long day today, haven't you, dood?"
"Hmm…"
"Still can't remember your name, dood?"
"No…"
"Aww, don't let it get you down, dood. I don't know what happened to mess up your memory, but I'm sure it'll come back, dood."
They walked along the river's coastline as the sun gradually set and turned the colorful sky into blackness. By the time most of the sunset had vanished, the duo reached a small enclave with dome shaped houses that were designed to look like Prinny heads.
"I know it doesn't look like much, dood, but pick a house and make yourself comfortable," Ryan said, and the child looked around curiously.
"Where awe the othah Pwinnies?"
"They're all gone, dood. We have to wait for a new batch to arrive from the training facility in Hades, dood."
"Twaining fashiwity?"
"That's right. The local Prinny Instructor puts us through grueling lessons and tests to get us ready to serve our new masters, dood."
"Ohh…" the girl nodded in recognition. "Den I will pick… Dish one."
She selected a house and crawled into the nearest bed, practically passing out on the spot. Ryan covered her with some blankets and tucked her in properly, and then went back to his house to get some rest as well.
The Forgotten Garden region of Lethe River was populated with hundreds of Flora Beast monsters whose numbers were starting to get out of control. Their colony was starting to encroach on the nearby Orc Hamlet, and the two tribes were preparing to wage a territorial war. None of this meant much to Kippers and Reeko as they peered through binoculars at the Flora Beasts as they were having a war meeting. The Prinnies couldn't understand what the monsters were saying, but they weren't worried about that.
"Reeko, give me a head count, dood," Kippers whispered as quietly as possible.
Reeko panned the area for a minute, then garbled, "$& #* 4004."
"Wow, that's a lot, dood. This could be a real problem, dood. Flora Beasts are worth a little more than Orcs, but if we don't cull their numbers soon, they could practically choke all of Lethe River out, dood."
"$ *&$ 4004?"
"The Kiddo could probably do it on her own, but we need to deal with the Orcs too, dood."
They kept observing and strategizing for a short while. That was when they noticed an ominous reddish glow lighting up the night sky, and everyone gazed up to see what was going on. A small meteor was descending straight for the Forgotten Garden. The Prinnies looked through their binoculars and spotted a red haired girl with a ridiculously revealing black bra, mini shorts, elbow gloves and thigh boots standing atop the meteor like she was just casually hitching a ride on an impending explosive rock of death.
"Run for the hills, dood!" Kippers shouted. He and Reeko ran away from the scene, and the Flora Beast colony scrambled around in panic before being totally decimated by the crashed meteor's explosion. The shockwave sent the two Prinnies flying upside down against a tree. The red haired girl had jumped off in time and landed in the now smoldering Forgotten Garden, surrounded by dead monsters.
"Hmm, nothing like freshly killed small fry to start my conquest," she stretched.
Reeko got back to his feet and marched toward the crazy girl, making the bras d'honneur pose while shouting, "$%*$ * #^( *$^ &*( ^* 4004!"
"The hell? You got a problem with me-" the girl struck a seductive pose and had pink hearts surrounding her (despite looking like a 14 year old teenager who hadn't started 'blossoming' in certain areas and was clearly WAY too young to be engaging in such behavior) and declared, "The Sexy Beauty Queen Etna!?"
Kippers rejoined his brother when he heard the girl announce her name. He thought for a moment as to where he heard that name before… And then practically shit some bricks.
"DOOD! Y-You're that-!?"
"Oh, it looks like the legend of my awesomeness is spreading to Netherworlds I've never heard of before," Etna boasted.
"You're that notorious sadist demon chick who forces Prinnies to work for next to nothing, dood!"
"Hmm… I don't mind the 'demon chick' part, but…" she equipped her trademark Elder Spear and jammed it against Kippers' forehead. "You have three seconds to rephrase that 'sadistic' part, buster."
"Uh, uh, uh- I meant you use the toughest love imaginable to-!"
"Time's up! Blade Bash!"
She stuck her polearm through Kippers and smashed him into the ground before freeing him. Reeko helped him get back up, but neither were in any condition to challenge her as she proudly stood over them with an impish smile while fingering the ring on her choker.
Valvatorez had explained everything to Albert about the peculiarities surrounding Lethe River and asked if he would take the job of surveying the area. To Valvatorez's delight, Albert readily accepted. Several hours later, Albert was riding down the river on a decently sized ferry boat navigated by the only Reaper demon in Valvatorez's service that was used to the area. It would take them at least a couple of days for them to reach the opposite end of the stream, but Albert wasn't in a particular hurry.
The ferry's slower pace allowed him to use his cartography tools to gradually plot their path and make a map according to his calculations. He could use the position of the stars to keep his sense of direction, the strength of the current to judge how fast the river flowed, geographical data to make a legend for others to follow, and many other details that would help in his project.
It was during the middle of his work that Albert and the ferryman noticed the glowing red meteor plummeting far in the distance. It exploded with an impressive show of red light and fire, and the light shockwave that followed was enough to ripple the gently flowing water, but not enough to affect the ferry boat's course.
Albert adjusted his tilted glasses and asked, "What in the Netherworld was that all about?"
"It's just your average meteor, although it's unusual to see them along Lethe River. They tend to pop up in Phlegethon or Styx, although some strays have seen sighted in Coctyus and Acheron. Of course, since Lethe isn't well documented, not many people know about what goes on around here," the ferryman explained.
"Well ain't that just lovely? I already had enough of a headache dealing with Phlegethon's lava flows constantly changing the geography of the place. If meteor showers are common all across Hades, then it will become a logistical nightmare to keep track of the topographical changes."
"Well, that's your problem, not mine. If you ask me, you might as well give up on your project."
"That will not be happening. And you have a point about it being my problem. All I ask of you is to keep your opinions to yourself and escort me to my destination."
The Reaper rolled his eyes and thought, If you didn't want my opinion, then don't start a conversation with me, chump.
In the Orc Hamlet, Lowalski was keeping tabs on the Orcs as they sharpened their weapons and prepared for an all out assault against the Flora Beast colony. He silently kept track of their numbers and what they were doing. Everything was going along as normal until Etna's meteor crash landed in the Forgotten Garden, causing the Orcs to stop what they were doing and look in that general direction.
Although surprised by the sudden event, Lowalski kept calm and used his zooming night vision camera to get a better look of what was going on there. He couldn't see well due to the raging fire blinding his vision. On top of that, the Orcs took it to be a sign that the Flora Beasts were on the move and decided to strike first. They charged out of their little village, leaving a rather confused Lowalski to say to himself, "This might get complicated, dood."
He stayed behind the angry mob by a good distance and followed them to the burning gardens. He found them just as they emerged from the bushes and surrounded Etna and the two Prinnies, while also surprised by the number of their enemy's corpses strewn about the place. The Orcs snorted at Etna and raised their spiked clubs to prepare for a gang attack.
"What a pain. I'm not really into crowd control," Etna grumbled boredly, not seeing the monsters as a genuine threat. She extended her arm into the air and snapped her fingers, yelling, "Come on, Prinnies!"
Kippers and Reeko were confused about what she meant. Then they heard the distinct whizzing sound of multiple objects falling from the sky – bombs, metal bins, dynamite, and a group of Prinnies all rained upon the alarmed Orcs, creating a decent explosion that killed at least one monster and forced the others to scatter in terror. The new Prinnies stood back up and surrounded Etna, addressing her with a simultaneous salute.
"You called for us, Lady Etna, dood?" one of the vassals asked.
"Good timing, boys. Now that I've cleaned up the place, I have a few questions to ask from these two," she replied, pointing at a nervously sweating Kippers and Reeko.
A few minutes later, Lowalski emerged from the bushes and found his brothers being used as makeshift pillows for Etna to rest upon while her stewards found berries to feed her or leaves to fan her with. She dug her heels into Reeko's skin and asked, "So what's the deal with this place anyway? It's full of nothing but savage monsters. Isn't there any semblance of civilized life around here?"
"$&* ^$ 4004..." Reeko moaned.
"What the hell are you trying to say? I can't understand you when you're talking in gibberish. Or is that the native people's language here? It'd be a pain in the ass for me to learn a whole new language when I can just decimate everyone and install my language instead."
"Ah, no…" Kippers grunted beneath Etna's elbow. "That's just Reeko's thing, dood…"
"Well that's perfect! The less work there is for me to do, the more there is for you guys. Anyway, I might as well ask you what's going on here instead of my nonsensical ottoman."
"Well, you see, dood…"
Lowalski approached Kippers and said, "Reporting in, dood… Although I think you already know what's going on, dood."
"Yeah, sort of, dood."
Lowalski pointed at Etna. "So who's the jailbait that lying all over you, dood?"
Everyone stopped. The Prinnies dropped what they were doing and hid behind various trees and shrubs. Kippers grunted, "Uh, that wasn't such a good idea, dood…"
Etna stood up and towered over Lowalski with the meanest look in her ruby eyes.
"First of all, I was sitting on him."
"Ah, I didn't realize, dood! I couldn't tell the difference between your chest and your back, dood!"
Kippers and Reeko despondently put their hands together in a praying gesture, and the former murmured, "Requiescat in pace, dood."
"Wait, what-?"
Albert had to squint to block out the sudden surging light that illuminated the night sky around the same area where the meteor landed earlier. A pillar of fire rose, followed by a grey mushroom cloud before everything returned to darkness.
"My goodness, whatever is going on out there?" he wondered.
"That area is notorious for territorial wars among various species," the Reaper guide said. "Who knows? Maybe one of their battles is getting out of control."
"I'm starting to see why few of Hades' resident demons would want to come out here. It would be suicide to cross paths with any one of these warring tribes over something as petty as territory. But the prospect of being a pioneer who helps bring future civilization to this war zone will always inspire me to press forward."
"Nice to see you have some motive for this suicidal journey, good sir."
"Why, it almost feels like I've become a proverbial Columbus."
"Who is that supposed to be?"
"Ah, care for a history lesson about the humans?"
"Not rea-"
"Where shall I begin?"
As Albert thought about where to begin his story, the Reaper groaned and thought, This is gonna be a long night, isn't it?
Lowalski lay flat on his back, his body charred black and his eyes wide and empty from shock. The small blaze that tickled Etna's finger extinguished itself, and then she leaned over the burnt Prinny and said, "Golden Rule #1: Never insult my sexy body. Lesson learned?"
"Lesson… learned… dood…" he coughed up smoke.
"Good. Now get off your ass and take me to your village."
Lowalski got up and lumbered next to his brothers while guiding Etna and her vassals across the hills to the Prinny village. The dejected Lowalski groaned, "We're so screwed, dood. We were so close to paying off our debt too, dood…"
"Don't worry, dood. You-Know-Who is back at the village," Kippers whispered.
"You talking about the Private, dood?"
"No, you imbecile! The new kid!"
Lowalski's eyes lit up a bit. "Oh yeah…"
"She can beat up that self proclaimed Not-So-Sexy Queen and send her packing, dood!"
"You sure that's going to work out, dood?"
"It better, or we can forget about reincarnating anytime soon, dood."
Lowalski's dread grew even worse, but he kept silent and had faith that Kippers' plan would work. They didn't have any other option anyway. They made their way along the river's coastline to the near-deserted Prinny village, not saying a word lest they incite the short tempered demon's wrath again. They arrived, and Etna looked around with a disapproving frown.
"What a dump," she muttered. "This definitely needs to come down to make room for my castle. All right, Prinnies! Start tearing down these ugly houses! You have until the morning to clean up this eyesore!"
"Eh!? Just until the morning!? We won't even be able to finish the demolition by then, dood!" one of her vassals complained.
"No whining! Be grateful that I gave you so much time to slack off! Or would you prefer to do it all within the next hour!?"
"No, no, dood! We'll get it done by sunrise, dood!"
With that, the Prinnies got to work demolishing the houses with whatever tools they could extract from their fanny packs. Drills whirred, hammers banged and sledgehammers smashed through the masonry of the first house. The commotion caused Ryan to wake up and exit his place, surprised to see so many Prinnies wrecking his village. The little girl also heard the cacophony and went outside, rubbing her worn out eyes. She had been in the middle of a nice dream, and although she didn't show it, she was a little irate from the disturbance.
"Muuu, what'sh going on out here? It'sh sho noishy," the girl complained.
"I don't know, dood. Why are you wrecking the place, Kippers?" Ryan wondered. "Are we moving somewhere, dood?"
"Huh? Who are you supposed to be?" Etna asked. "Some lost kid?"
Kippers suddenly cried out behind the Beauty Queen, "HELP US, DOOD! This crazy witch just landed out of nowhere and is trying to take over Lethe for herself, dood!"
"Shut up, you cretin!" Etna tried to punch him flat into the ground. That was when the little girl teleported next to her and grabbed her wrist. She tried to fight out of her grasp, but the child was surprisingly strong for her petite stature. "Wh-What are you doing, dammit!?"
"I don't know who you awe, but you won't way a fingah on my commandah, 'kay?"
"What are you talking about!?" Etna attempted to break free from the girl's grip with a jabbing elbow to her face, but she dodged it and used the momentum to throw Etna over her shoulder. The demon lord was caught off guard by the counter, but somersaulted a few times and landed on her feet unharmed. Unfortunately, she was right next to the frightened Ryan. He tried to scramble away, but Etna grabbed him and jabbed her Elder Spear against his head. His brothers gasped and tried to come to his rescue.
"Don't move! If you value this Prinny's life, you're going to give me this Netherworld and call me your Sexy Queen!"
"Muuu… Dat's shuch a wast shentuwy tactic."
"I'm kind of inclined to agree with you, but this is my only chance to take down the Prince! Winners reap and losers weep. That's just how it goes, little girl."
"Hmm… Den yer gonna weep good, 'kay?" the kid deviously smiled.
"By 'weep', you mean 'reap', right?"
The blue haired child vanished in a flash of feathers, stunning Etna at how fast it happened. She reappeared behind Etna and jammed some quills into her joints, causing temporary paralysis and forcing her to drop Ryan. He fled back to his brothers and Etna's vassals as they watched the battle in awe.
"A teleporter, huh…?" Etna growled. She clenched her hands to resist the pain, and then summoned her inner might to tear the quills out of her body while screaming, "You don't know who you're messing with, you annoying little brat!"
The kid recalled, "Oh, wight. You didn't intwodushe yershelf."
"You're going to regret screwing around with the sexiest queen of all the Netherworld! Take this! DEAD END CHAOS!"
The world turned white around Etna and the girl. Etna fell into a white pit surrounded by black pillars where her most loyal Prinny vassals awaited her at the ground. She revealed the pillars to actually be gigantic spears pointing upward, and she commanded them to skewer the girl far above them. They did so, and then Etna ordered her vassals to rocket after the spears and detonate around the ensnared girl, creating a fantastic miniature nuclear explosion.
"Just like that!" Etna proudly declared, landing back in place after finishing her over the top attack. Her opponent lay on the ground covered in cuts and bruises. The Prinny Squad's beaks dropped in disappointment – they thought their new recruit would have been strong enough to fight against this demon. Was she actually not as powerful as they thought?
"Well, now that that's out of the way…" Etna cracked her knuckles and faced the terrified Prinnies. "I can take my sweet time turning this dump into my personal playground. But first of all, I believe I need to dole out some punishment on a certain someone for calling me jailbait."
"Dood!?" Lowalski yelped, and the others scrambled away from him. She grabbed his head and squeezed it so hard that the pressure distorted his face. "Aaagh, my brains are getting squished, dood!"
"It's not my fault you ran your mouth off like that. I could go all the way and turn you into an example of what happens when you disobey me… But I'm feeling a little generous today," Etna chucked him aside and continued, "I need all of the slaves I can get to build my castle for me. All right, you bastards! Get back to work pront-!"
The demon girl stopped in mid sentence. She felt something unnaturally tight wrap around her long thin tail, and she glared back to see what it was. The Prinny brothers cheered in excitement – the blue haired child had recovered and was now tightening her grip on Etna's tail. She had a placid smile on her face, but the malice it masked was very obvious to everyone involved.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Etna exclaimed in total shock. "You should have been shish kebabed to death back there!"
The girl retorted, "Yoah sho cliche, it makes me wanna cwy. Whywu you were beeshy bwagging, I wash heewing myshelf. Now dat yer turn ish ovah, it'sh my turn to way the shmack down on yer fwat ash, you dishgushting Esh-Tee-Dee waden whoah."
Etna became absolutely furious at the innocent looking child's foul insults. She tried to escape from her enemy's grasp, but the girl used her tail as a whip to thrash Etna over her head and smash her face against the ground. She did this several more times, and then tossed Etna over the ground so violently that it caused burns on her skin. The girl teleported over the helpless Etna while she was dragging along and performed a dive kick straight against her stomach, knocking the wind out of her and cratering the ground around them.
The child flipped backwards a few times and landed with Olympic precision, observing her defeated enemy as she tried to get back up. Etna gasped to regain her breath and struggled to get back to her feet. In response, the little girl teleported above Etna and repeatedly kicked her heels against her face to drive her back into the earth. She tried to jam her foot down one last time when Etna blocked it with her arm and flipped backwards to get the hell away from this violent kid.
Etna was furious. One eye was bruised so badly that it was nearly swollen shut, and some blood trickled out of her nose. She shouted to her vassals, "Damn it, Prinnies! Hurry up and stop her!"
The Prinnies stood behind the nervous four brothers, not reacting or making any movements for what felt like a long while. Then one vassal said in a flat tone, "No way, dood."
"What was that…!?"
"We were never on your side to begin with, dood," another one said.
"We have found our true master, dood. If you want us back so badly, feel free and try to defeat our new leader, dood."
"Get out of here, dood! You're not wanted here, dood!"
"Begone, dood! Begone, dood!"
Etna used her spear as a prop to keep herself upright as she glared daggers at the sweetly smiling child. The girl said, "Wooks wike yer not wanted anymore. I suggesht you get out of our shight wight away…"
She opened her eyes, and for a brief moment, Etna could sense incredible malice emanating from the child's eyes.
"Before I eradicate your worthless ass from the face of this planet, you barbaric prostitute."
