DISGAIDEN
Part 5: The Dark Hero
"Phew…"
A tall, blonde-haired man stood in the clearing in the middle of Lethe's dense forests. With his long white trench coat, slim purple pants, and designer shoes accentuating the man's slender yet toned frame, one could easily tell he was a fellow of no small stature. For, indeed, this man was none other than the one and only shining star of the Netherworld's celebrity world; the Dark Hero, Axel.
… Of course, with all celebrities, the only thing bigger than their bank accounts was their ego, and, suffice to say, Axel was the proud owner of only the latter.
Today, he found himself in Lethe due to being part of the first movie deal he had made in years with Nether Studios. The head honchos were looking for someone who was strong and courageous enough to do a Blair Witch Project-styled film where a lone cameraman would venture into the unexplored River of Oblivion and make groundbreaking discoveries. Having fallen into a slump after being given the boot out of the corrupternment, Axel eagerly took this opportunity to regain his lost stardom (or in his eyes, add to his immortal legacy) and signed the contract.
"I'm finally here," Axel said to himself, which was something many would consider a pastime of his. Keeping his thoughts in his head was like asking a Succubus to not use sex appeal on her prey. Anyway, he continued, "This was where Margarette told me I had to do my filming, but I don't even know where to begin…"
His cell phone rang, and he answered it with, "Hey, there! You've reached the one and only Dark Hero, Axel! Sorry I'm not in the area to give you my autograph, but you're more than welcome to record this call for your continued listening pleasure!"
"Yo, Axel," the director responded on the other line with a nonchalant tone. "I see you finally made it there. You still in one piece, my boy?"
"You sound like you have no faith in my talents, Mr. Director! So what exactly do you need me to do to make this film break the box offices!?"
"It's pretty simple, actually. All you need to do is run around the place sounding scared and wondering what's waiting for you around the next corner."
"'Sounding scared', huh? Sorry to disappoint you, sir, but I'm quite bad at showing fear, no matter what the situation!" Axel grinned with false confidence.
"That's funny. The guy who recommended you said you would be perfect for this job due to your two-faced personality."
"Yeah, well, you shouldn't take what Adell says so seriously. If anything comes my way, I can assure you that the Dark Hero will beat the crap out of them, no problem!"
"Ugh, Axel, my boy. You're missing the point of this movie," the director grumbled in annoyance. "This isn't a martial arts film. It's supposed to be a thriller where the excitement and fear comes from not knowing what a lone explorer will find in the Netherworld's most desolate and uncharted lands!"
"So if a monster comes out, what do you want me to do?"
"Run like hell! Scream! Breathe heavily into the mic! Find a good place to hide and mutter incoherently until you think your enemy has left! If you have nerves of steel like you claim, then fake it as best as you can! I won't pay for anything but the finest in panic and terror!"
"Er… Well, uh… If that's what you want me to do, then I guess I have no choice…"
"Oh, and one more thing. Make sure that you're never seen on camera either."
"What!? That's insane!" Axel barked. "What kind of hero is never seen by his audience!?"
"Well, we're dealing with a subgenre of horror and slasher films here, sonny. The viewers aren't interested in who the protagonist is. They only want to be scared out of their pants by what the faceless hero stumbles upon!" the director explained jovially.
"But that wasn't mentioned in the contract, sir!"
"My film, my way. All you do is sign the contract and do what I say. Easy enough for you, right? Or should I find someone else to pay that million Hell to?"
"Mmmgh… All right, then! Whether my adoring fans can see me or not is not an issue! All they need to understand is that the Dark Hero, champion of all things media, will not back down from a challenge! Just you wait, Mr. Director! No one regrets hiring Axel for their movies! You'll be raking in so much Hell that you'll be begging me to star in this movie's sequel!"
"I wasn't 'quite' planning for a sequel… But if you can put your money where your words are, then I'll consider it."
"Oh yeah! Now I'm getting' pumped for this! Bring on the terror, you foul fiends! The Dark Hero will be ready for you!"
"Good, good. I just hope you've got your life insurance up to date."
"Life insurance? Pah! Who needs that!"
"Then see you when you get back… If you're able to, of course."
"Yeah!" Axel cheered, feeling reinvigorated from his pep(?) talk. He took out his portable camera and said to himself, "Let's do this! The champion of champions, Axel the Dark Hero, is ready to light the Netherworld with his blinding brilliance!"
Just as he said this though, he heard the pitter patter of small footsteps running toward him. The thieving Slumber Kitty from earlier burst out of the bushes and stopped in its tracks when it saw him.
"Huh?" he raised one of his jagged eyebrows. He cringed and muttered to himself, "I know I'm supposed to act scared and all that, but would my peerless courage and overwhelming bravery be mocked for all eternity if my fans saw me running from something so cute!?"
The kitten meowed angrily at him, apparently trying to tell him to get out of the way. Axel noticed the succulent cooked fish in its hands and wondered, "Oh my! Is that an offering you're making to me!? I didn't think anyone had the guts to approach someone as famous as myself! However humble your gift may be, little one, I will gladly accept it with a full heart (and an empty stomach)!"
Before he could try to take the food from the angry creature, several bolts of pure light shot through the foliage and pierced its body like a pincushion, killing it before it even knew what happened. The fish flew out of its hands and into Axel's, who was completely confused about what was going on. Moments later, the blue-haired demon girl and the four Prinnies emerged into the clearing.
"That wiwu show you, you wittle shticky-fingahed wunt!" the child barked, then realized that Axel was busy munching away at the fish she so desperately wanted to eat herself. She became furious and screamed, "MUUUUU! That wash mine! Give it back!"
"&$&*^&!&^#*$( &#^*^!%&*$&#*(!*&# !*( *^! 4004!" Reeko likewise complained.
"Oh, was it yours? Sorry about that, young lady," he apologized with very little sincerity. "My little feline fan must have went out of its way to steal the best food this place has to offer in order to appease my high-class palate."
"Well that's just great, dood," Kippers groaned. "We went on a wild kitty hunt for nothing. Guess we better reconvene at the mess hall and fuel up for our next excursion, doods."
"But more importantly, dood," Lowalski said, then asked Axel, "Who are you supposed to be, dood?"
"Ah, what a bold question to ask of someone as famous as I!" the egomaniacal superstar retorted. "Don't worry! I may be totally suspicious, but I am here on important business! You see, my unenlightened friends, I, the Dark Hero Axel, am seeking out the best Netherworld to set my latest film in. After much toiling and traveling, my discerning eyes have guided me to this world, which I have deemed perfect enough to create the backdrop for my-!"
"Oh, I remember this guy, dood!" Ryan interrupted Axel's pontificating. "I saw him on an episode of Where's That Demon Now,dood. Sammy Shark was going on about how he was a forgettable loser and that everyone decided to deny his very existence, dood!"
"H-Hey!" Axel yelped, but decided to make the most of this situation and shouted, "You should know by now that the media is always full of lies and unwarranted scandals! You don't have to remember a word that that silver-tongued sea dog said about me! I guarantee you that I am making a most glorious comeback!"
"So by saying 'comeback', you're admitting that Sammy was right, dood," Kippers muttered.
"Oh, come now. Every star has their ups and downs in life. Even someone as grand as I am not immune to such a fact of life."
"Whatever you say, dood."
"I'm hungwy…" the girl complained as her stomach rumbled.
"Okay, okay, kiddo. Let's go back, dood. Well, buddy, go break a leg or whatever they say in the industry, dood."
Axel had a spark of brilliance and he stopped the group. "Wait just a second! You guys look like you're falling on hard times, what with chasing a cat down to retrieve a single sardine."
"What do you mean by 'hard times'? The River of Oblivion doesn't even have an economy worth speaking of, dood," Kippers glowered.
"Now, now, you don't have to be ashamed. I totally understand what it's like to be a rags to riches story."
"I don't think you do, but I also don't think you really care, dood."
"Hah! What an attitude these citizens have! But I won't let that deter me! Just hear me out, friends! I'm sure you'll be most interested in my proposition!"
Axel explained to them about the movie he wanted to film here, obviously wording it so that he came across as the super wealthy director rather than the poorly paid lead actor. He offered the group to be the ones behind the camera filming the scary scenes as they explored Lethe, and he promised a hefty sum of Hell in exchange for their services.
"A horror movie, huh, dood?" Ryan wondered. "I wonder how demons are supposed to take scary movies seriously when the Netherworld itself is already full of real horrors, dood."
"Weally? It shounds wike fun," the girl replied. "Not a wot of demonsh know about thish Nethahwowld. Maybe we'll find shome unknown monshtah, or a gateway to a pawawell wowld."
"You've been watching way too many of those silly cartoons, Pvt. Kiddo!" Kippers snapped. "You need a subliminal cleansing regimen pronto, dood!"
"But Commandah Kippahsh, if thish movie ish a shuccessh, then you can pay yoah debt back to the Angewu Weidy!"
"Well, you have a point, dood, but…"
She approached Axel with a big smile and exclaimed, "Then I'll do it!"
"Atta girl!" he grinned and gave her the camera. "All you have to do is push this button, and it'll take care of the rest! Make sure you're not seen on camera either!"
""Kay! When do you want me to bwing thish back to you?"
"Oh, don't worry. I'll be keeping my eye out for you guys. A director must always care about the safety of his actors and staff!"
With their arrangements set, the girl and her Prinny comrades returned to the Prinny Village to prepare for their latest mission. Once they were gone, Axel let out a sigh of relief and said to himself, "This will be perfect. They'll do all the running around and getting scared, and I'll get a free paycheck out of it. All I have to do is edit the footage so that I look like I'm the one filming instead of them! Man, why did I think of this sooner!? My star power doesn't always have to rely on being seen by my fans! They just have to take the advertisements as the gospel truth, and they'll be none the wiser!"
He smirked and added, "Hm hm hm hm… My genius sometimes frightens even myself!"
About an hour later, after a nice big meal of sardine stew, the small group of monster-hunting Prinnies and their nameless cohort ventured toward the Tree of False Dreams, a vicinity close to Lethe that was infested with a high population of Treants and Bears.
"Alright, doods, listen up!" Kippers commanded his troops. "Our target today is the nefarious Yggdrasil, a variant of the common Man-Eaters that is said to be worth a billion Hell, dood! My boys and I have made countless attempts bagging this guy, with no success, dood!"
"Why awe they wowth sho much?" the girl asked.
"Glad you asked, dood! It's because an Yggdrasil takes a million years to evolve from a common tree, and their bark is most prized for satanic rituals and high-quality furniture wood, dood. You wouldn't believe how much those greedy Nether Nobles will shell out to have a desk made out of Yggdrasil wood, dood!"
"Muu… I kinda feewu bad foh it. It wived foh a miwion yeahsh onwy to be tuwned into a wich guy'sh pieshe of fuhnituwe."
"Don't feel too bad, Private. Yggdrasils are also known for blending in with their environments and snagging their unsuspecting prey without warning, dood. If you're not careful, you'll be a permanent part of that Nether Noble's desk, dood!"
"Wow! That shoundsh shkehwy!"
"Did you bring that guy's camera with you, dood?" Ryan asked.
"Yup!" the girl exclaimed and started filming the team's journey through the Tree of False Dreams. Unlike the lush greenery of the River of Oblivion, this neighboring area was devoid of plant life. There were many tree stumps, lots of grey grass, and streams of dirty water. The winds howled around them like a desperate cry. She caught their drab surroundings on camera and complained, "Thish pwace is pwetty bowing. When awe we gonna shee any monshtahs?"
"Don't worry, dood," Ryan said. "It may look barren, but this is actually a popular nesting ground for Treants. Heck, for all we know, we could already be surrounded, dood."
"Weally? But theshe twees awe sho shtill. How couwd anything shtay shtill foh shuch a wong time?"
"Well, we drove out a bunch of them recently, so maybe these really are just ordinary trees, dood," the Prinny said and knocked his fins against the trunk of the nearest tree.
"Private! Have you not learned anything from our reconnaissance, dood!?" Kippers barked angrily. "Don't ever knock on wood when you're in the Tree of False Dreams, dood! You might regret it!"
"Sorry, Kippers! It won't happen again, dood!"
The troops continued through the bleak and dying forest, their feet constantly crunching down dead leaves that were as grey as the sky. Their trek was uneventful for a while, so the girl took the time to swing the camera about and look at anything possibly interesting. If Axel hired her to take in the sights while finding anything dangerous, she would do everything possible to record all of Lethe's geography. Eventually the team reached a clearing with a large pond surrounded by beaten trails. Several dangerous-looking fish swam about trying to escape some Cockatrices that were in the middle of a feeding frenzy.
"Whoa, dood!" Lowalski stopped them, and they hid behind a bush covered with decrepit leaves. "I had forgotten that it's mating season for the Cockatrice enclave, dood! We're gonna have to go around if we want to avoid needless combat, dood!"
"But awen't Cockatwices wowth a wot of Hewu?" the demon girl asked while transfixed on recording the monstrous birds.
"Yes, they are, dood. But we only have enough resources to tackle the Yggdrasil. Getting into a fight with these guys right now will force us to abort the current mission, dood."
"Muu… Then what awe we shupposhed to do?"
"There's an alternate route we can use, dood. It's a bit longer, but it's way safer than this, dood."
"'Kay… Muu? What'sh that?"
"What's what, dood?" Ryan asked.
She raised her arm in a pointing gesture, aiming her camera and zooming in on what appeared to be two figures emerging from the opposite side of the pond. One was a young man with messy red hair and black eyes who wore a sleeveless white shirt, black pants, and elbow-length black gloves. The most notable feature about him was his hilariously long red necktie. His partner was an elegant woman with blonde hair and red eyes with white pupils. Her attire hardly matched the surroundings, as she wore a large black and red ruffled dress with yellow ribbons and bows adorning it, and the corset showed off a great deal of her large cleavage.
"Muu!? They'we appwoaching the Cockatwices!" the girl reported.
"Give me that, Private!" Kippers barked and swiped the camera from her to observe the unknown pair. "Whoa, dood! That buff dude's picking a fight with them, dood!"
"Weally!? But it's dangewous!"
"Wait, wait… Holy smokes, dood!"
They poked their heads through the foliage to see what was going on. The red-haired man leapt high into the air and performed a flaming dive kick against one of the angry birds, incinerating it with little effort. The elegant woman generated several blue orbs and jumped onto them like platforms, then fired several shots from her pistol that ricocheted off the orbs and pierced through an incoming horde of birds. The beasts were now completely focused on fending off the pair after they had rudely interrupted their meal, which gave the Prinny group a chance to emerge from their hiding place without worry.
"Perfect, dood! Now's our chance to run through them!" Kippers exclaimed.
"Muu!? We'ah not gonna help them!?" the girl objected.
"They're the ones who challenged those dumb birds, not us, dood!"
"But-!"
"No complaints, dood! Move, move, move!"
They hurried as fast as they could around the pond, taking care to hide behind any trees or bushes that they could find. Pvt. Ryan fell behind the group though, and he tripped on a pebble.
"Wyan!" the child skidded to a halt and ran back to help him up. Unfortunately, this caught the attention of several Cockatrices that hadn't been killed yet, and they swooped in over them.
"Private! Kiddo!" Kippers called out in shock and reached out his fins.
"&$*^#&* #^%&*%$ *&!( 4000004!" Reeko added.
Before the pair could be shredded into meat ribbons, the blonde-haired gunner rushed in while wielding a machine gun and yelled, "Rose Thorns!"
She fired a volley of high velocity bullets at the birds, slaying them without remorse. She failed to notice one flying in from behind her though, so the girl raised her arms and shouted, "Puah White Showah!"
She used her signature attack, where she summoned an array of beautiful angel feathers that turned into thin needles and pierced through the Cockatrice. The woman wiped her brow and complained, "Honestly, that Adell can be such a battle maniac. Why'd he have to go and bully these poor birds when they're just hungry? And when there are kids and Prinnies running about, too!"
"Um… Awe you okay, ma'am?" the girl asked.
"Very much so, thanks to your assistance, little one. I would go help my partner, but it seems like he has everything under control."
"Really?" Lowalski wondered. "He looks kind of surrounded, if you ask me, dood."
"Oh, he's just giving them a handicap. No big deal."
"If you say so, lady."
"Such insolence! My name is not 'lady'! I am Rozalin, and that battle maniac over there is Adell. You had better memorize those names well if you wish not to be caught between a rock and the heel of my shoes. So, little one, what's your name?" the woman asked her young savior with a sweet smile.
"No point in asking, dood," Kippers said. "She doesn't remember anything about herself, dood."
"Amnesia, hm? Guess it can't be helped. I'll call you Toots for now. It's what Adell called me when we first met."
"'Kay," the girl replied. "Sho is Adewu gonna be fine?"
"Just you watch," Rozalin said with a devious grin.
They watched as Adell furiously punched and kicked his way through the swarm of Cockatrices, killing them one after the other. For good measure, he yelled out, "Combo Explosion Shot!" and hurled countless wind sickles with just his fists, then finished with a powerful punch to one bird's midsection, bifurcating it with incredible ease. The birds realized that they were vastly overpowered and decided to flee.
"Whew! That was a good warm-up!" Adell grinned, satisfied with how the battle resulted. He approached Rozalin and the Prinny group, and he raised an eyebrow. "Hey, who are they?"
"Just a lost child and some Prinnies passing by," Rozalin told him. "She helped me fend off some of those monstrosities."
"Hewwo!" the child waved at him.
"Well, well, well," Adell chimed. "What have we here? An Overlord and her misfit gang of merry Prinnies?"
"No, actually it's the opposite, dood," Kippers was eager to correct her. "I'm the commander of this squadron, which includes the lisping private, dood."
"Surely you jest. An Overlord obeying a Prinny?" Rozalin muttered.
"I'm not an Ovahwohd," the girl told her. "I'm jusht a demon who wanded in Wethe and became pawt of Kippersh' awmy. Nothing wong with that, 'kay?"
"Oh… You don't say."
"She might say that," Adell murmured beneath his breath, "but I sense a great deal of power dwelling within her. Don't you agree?"
"Indeed," the noble woman nodded. "Even among common Overlords, her power is certainly no joke. What shall we do?"
"Hmm… Well, normally I would want to fight her, but-"
"Don't you dare! I know you're a battle maniac and all that, but you are not crass enough to pick a fight with such an innocent child in my presence!"
"Hold on! I said 'normally I would', right!? But we have important business here! We should just convince them to leave it to us and go home!"
"Oh… But of course! The Yggdrasil is supposed to be my prize, after all! You just wanted to come along to test your abilities against it!"
"Somehow, I don't think that's how we ended up here…"
"Wait just a second, dood!" Ryan objected. "You're after the Yggdrasil too, dood!? But we need its bounty in order to reincarnate, dood!"
"I should have guessed that's why a bunch of Prinnies are loitering in such a dump," Rozalin scoffed in disgust. "Sorry, but this is beyond your scope of power, kids. Just leave it to us professionals and run on home now, okay?"
"Wait a second," Adell narrowed his eyes as he stared at the befuddled girl. "If what they're saying about her is true, then they must have brought her along as their secret weapon for this battle."
"Eeep!" all of the Prinnies sweated in unison.
"What nerve!" Rozalin barked angrily and aimed her pistol at them. "I should have you punished for such insubordination!"
"Insubordination, dood!? But we're not even your vassals, dood!" Lowalski argued.
"HEE~EEYY!" the child yelled at the top of her lungs. "No fighting, 'kay!? If Adewu and Wozawin awe aftah Yggy too, then wet'sh spwit the money evenwy! A biwion Hewu is pwenty foh evewyone! You guysh can pay the Angewu Weidy off even without awl of it!"
"Y-You do have a point, dood…" Ryan stammered, frightened of making her upset lest he be shish-kebabed with light daggers like the Slumber Kitty and Cockatrice were earlier.
"Heh heh," Adell chuckled. "For a demon, you're pretty generous. But I don't need any of the money, so I'll give my portion to Rozalin. I know how important money and materialism are to her."
"Adell…" his partner swooned.
"All I care about is testing my limits against such a legendary monster. It's just my style."
"I should have figured as much."
