4 weeks later
Chris shook his head in disbelief as he stepped into the room. He made a note to himself that in the future, Buck and JD would not be allowed near any Christmas decorations. Every time he came by, there were more wreaths, garlands and reindeer festooning the space. Now, a second tree had been added to the mix. Smaller – thank heavens – than the one filling the corner, but decidedly more garish. Where they had found a metallic gold and green tree was something Chris really did not want to know.
"Christmas Eve and you're still decorating? Don't you think you might have gone a bit overboard?"
"No such thing as too much Christmas, Chris."
"No, but there is such a thing as to much tinsel. Honestly JD, you've got enough metal here to act as an antenna!"
"Yeah – I know. But Ezra'd love it!"
Chris arched an eyebrow. The sophisticated tastes of Ezra Standish were in no way reflected in the discord of the décor in the room. But, he conceded, he would love how much JD was loving it. JD grinned sheepishly. "OK – but he'd at least be amused by it."
Chris laughed. "He would certainly have something to say about it."
He walked over to the bedside, taking the chair usually occupied by Vin. Today though, the young agent was absent, at least at the moment. No doubting he'd be back soon.
"Oh Ezra." Chris sighed quietly. "What I wouldn't give to hear your commentary on the show Buck and JD have created. I'm guessing you'd have words to describe it none of us have ever heard of. And likely a few more colourful ones we all know." He looked down at the pale figure and for the first time registered this really wasn't Ezra anymore.
He'd accepted long ago that the southerner was gone to them, but the man lying in the beg barely even looked like the vigorous character they'd known. His complexion was sallow, the colourless tone of a man indoors for months. The skin was slack. Even his hair seemed to be limp and flat. He'd clearly lost weight – a feeding tube provided the nutrients he needed, but little more. And even with Vin's diligent workout schedule, one look at the man was all it took to see there was no muscle tone, no definition to him anymore. It had taken just a little over 3 months to transform him from the dynamic force he'd been, to a shell. This was no longer Ezra Standish. How could Vin continue to hope?
He blinked back the tears he could feel forming. This was not the time. This was not the day to say goodbye, and he pushed that sensation to the back of his mind as he heard Nathan arrive, clearly talking to someone.
"Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes," he voiced as Josiah entered the room. The big man paused for a moment, overwhelmed by the flashing tree lights and barrage of red green that assaulted his vision.
"Clearly someone let Buck and JD decorate. Whatever were you thinking?"
"Josiah! Knew you'd be here today – you owe me twenty dollars Buck."
"You bet on my attendance?" JD looked embarrassed. "Ezra'd be so proud of you!"
As he said the name, he looked over to the bed for the first time. The smile stayed on his face, but the light faded from his eyes. "And how is our brother today?" He walked closer, but couldn't bring himself next to the bed.
Chris gave a small shrug. "He's with us for Christmas. Guess that counts for something."
"Counts for everything Chris. We take what we can. Hey Josiah – glad you could make it." Vin signaled Chris to stay in his seat, pulling up a chair beside him. "Being here, all of us. That counts for everything Chris."
One week later.
Vin was sitting in the lobby when Chris showed up. He hadn't planned on coming in tonight. They had agreed that a New Year's Eve celebration was too much, even for the eternal optimists in the group. Nathan was spending the holiday with Raine, JD was with Casey, and Buck – well Buck wasn't certain which lovely lady would welcome the next year with him, but he was sure he'd find companionship. After finishing up in the office, Chris was going to head out to the ranch, a quiet evening for a change. He'd thought of calling Mary Travis, but decided it wasn't fair to her, given the state of mind he'd be in. So when Vin had called, an anxious tone to his voice, Chris agreed to detour and drop in.
"Didn't expect you down here. Everything OK?"
"Josiah's up there. He's gonna spend the evening here. Asked if I'd mind giving him some time."
"Won't hurt you to have an evening to yourself. Been a while I'm guessing."
Vin looked up at him and Chris was concerned by the look of the young man. He had no spark left, no hope was in his eyes anymore.
"Gonna have lots of time to myself soon enough. I'm in no rush." He gulped down a mouthful of what was clearly no longer hot coffee. "Look Chris – I owe you, all of you, an apology. I've been a miserable SOB to be around for the last few months. I know that, and it's not fair."
"Nothing about this is fair. And I haven't exactly been a bed of roses myself. Thorns maybe." He failed to get even a hint of smile from Vin. "Not your fault Vin – this sucks for everybody."
Vin looked away, exhaustion taking away his ability to hide his feelings. Chris looked at his tired friend.
"Damn it Vin. That ain't your fault either. I thought we settled this months ago."
"I should have been with him Chris. None of this would have happened-"
"What – you know that for a fact? Like I told you before – you weren't his guardian. How could you have guessed, imagined, that something like this could happen? You think he'd be ok with you getting shot, or worse, trying to protect him? Vin. Nobody could have done anything about this. We all feel responsible. This has stripped Josiah of pretty much everything he believes in, and he won't let us help him out. Buck and JD were two blocks away. That still eats at them. JD has nightmares."
Vin looked up surprised. He hadn't noticed their younger member in pain. "Buck says he can hear him sometimes. Calling out for Ezra to watch out. He won't talk about them, but it isn't too hard to figure out. He's doing better, but they still come. So, you know Buck. Not enough he feels bad about bein' so close and not being able to stop this, now he feels bad he can't help JD."
"Why didn't I see that?"
"Same reason you haven't seen Nathan looking at other career options. You're caught up in your own world of guilt. We're all falling apart because none of us can make any sense of this, and we've all just pulled away from each other."
Vin looked out the window for a minute, and then, to Chris's unending surprise, burst out laughing.
"Do you have any idea how thoroughly pissed off Ezra is with all of us right now. Wherever he's watching us from, he is swearing a blue streak. He gets mad enough and those $10 words disappear and what takes over would make a sailor blush.
I'm betting your letter said the same thing as mine – that we're supposed to take care of each other. Lean on each other. Well, maybe we couldn't protect him, but I think it's about time we started respecting all of his wishes."
For the first time in months Chris felt a smile come to his face that came from his heart. "You got a plan?"
"We start with an emergency meeting at the ranch tomorrow. No excuses. Full attendance. Anybody argues – order them."
"And Josiah?"
"I'll figure out something."
Both men stood up, a sense of purpose spurring them once again. Vin reached out for a hand shake, and was momentarily stunned when Chris brushed it aside, pulling the man into a brief hug instead reminding his friend, "Nobody messes with team 7 – including team 7." He pulled back. "OK – I got calls to make. Damn. We're gonna need food."
Vin sprinted up the stairs toward Ezra's room, trying to figure how to convince Josiah to return to the fold. He stopped outside the door as he heard the veteran agent speaking softly to Ezra.
"…guess I just didn't understand it all. Not quite the man of faith I present myself to be. I just figured I'd be the first to go in our crowd. I know we all face the dangers, and you have always been the one to run head long into a situation you hard-headed fool. Then again, you seem to have more lives than a litter of cats put together. Never figured that famed luck of yours would run out.
That day, that morning. I felt it. I knew there was something not right. From what Vin said, I think you felt the same. JD would call it a disturbance in the force. Whatever it was, I wish I'd understood it better son.
Felt real good to know you actually like it when I call you that. I know I don't have the right – no, the honour – to lay that claim. And I know you don't think of yourself as anyone's pride and joy. Maude has a lot to answer for on that. But you have to believe that you filled that void for me. Never had children. Never found a woman who could tolerate my moods enough to settle in for that kind of commitment. But if I had, and if they'd turned out half the person you are, well I'd have to say I'd done something right.
Listen to me rambling on. You show a gentleman's patience in hearing me out like this. Course if you could I'm sure you'd be disputing some of this. You'd also likely be giving me one of your fancy lectures. I know I've let you down in the last few months. Not just in not being here for you, but not being here for the others. Guessing that would be bothering you more. You care more than you let on, else you never would have penned all those letters. I couldn't do what you asked me to son. You have far too high an opinion of me."
Vin stepped in quietly. "No Josiah, he had too high an opinion of all of us. But it's about time we started trying to live up to it, wouldn't you say?"
"Don't think I can brother."
"Really? Ezra thought you could. You willing to bet against him? Didn't take you for that kind of fool, old man."
Josiah looked down at the comatose man, and then back to Vin. "No – guess that would be a sucker bet, wouldn't it." He grinned slightly. "And just who are you calling old Junior?"
Buck showed up at the ranch the next day nursing an hellacious hangover. Even JD had the presence of mind not to harass him about it, and Nathan merely handed him extra strength aspirin. Chris put a pitcher of juice in front of him, knowing from numerous past occurrences the man's preferred treatment. Everyone's spirits rose when Josiah arrived, to the big man's intense relief. He wasn't certain he'd be welcomed back based on his absence over the last months, but they all knew their own actions hadn't always been stellar during that time.
Vin was the last to arrive. Chris stepped out to the porch to meet him. "So how'd you get Josiah to show up?"
"Wasn't all that hard. Think he'd reach the same conclusion we have. Just needed someone to point it out to him." He grinned as he walked in and saw Buck drooped into a corner of the sofa, sunglasses on, cool cloth on his neck and a large OJ in hand. "So, you have a good New Year's Eve Pard?"
The response was a low growl, followed by a weak moan.
"Called you all out here to talk about a New Year's resolution."
"Damn Chris – it's just a hangover. No need to get on my case about it."
"OK – that was a little defensive. This isn't about your drinkin' Buck – although since you mention it, yeah, I think you've been doin' too much of it lately. And if you expect to stay on as part of the team, you might want to rethink that."
"What team?" he snarled back. "Josiah's left, Nathan's leaving, Vin's hardly there, and Ezra – well hell. So that leaves you, me and JD as the team, just shuffling papers around."
"That right Nathan? You leaving?" All heads had turned to the agent.
"Might be. I've been accepted by the paramedic program. All I need to do is get my training brought up to speed. Raine wanted me to do med school, but that's just too much time and expense. Besides, paramedic work keeps me out in the field, and that's more my style."
"Yeah – I think we've all spent enough time in hospitals to last us a lifetime." JD agreed.
Chris mulled over the news for a moment. "If you're doing this because you want to, then I'm behind you 100%. We all are. But if you're doin' it to run from all of this, from what we've become, then I'm gonna fight you tooth and nail."
He turned to the others. "We've all fallen apart. That's not putting blame on anyone, 'cept maybe myself. I asked everyone to bring the letter Ezra wrote to them. Don't have to share it. Don't expect you to. But I wanted you to have it with you for this. In mine Ezra asked me to keep us together. Hell, practically begged me to. Said he wasn't worth the team falling apart."
"Damn it Ezra! When are you going to –" Buck cut himself off, realizing what he was saying and dropping back in his seat again.
"I had the same reaction Buck, but it's not really what he meant. He was saying we're too good to let any one thing bring us down. Even something this big. Point is, he asked something of all of us. Based on what Vin and I talked about, our guess is none of us feel up to taking on what he asked."
JD spoke softly. "Wanted me to keep being optimistic, keep hope alive. Problem is, I don't have any hope left. This team is everything I ever dreamt of being a part of, and I don't know what I'm gonna do when Ezra's gone. When this is over."
Buck snarled. "I'm supposed to keep everybody happy. What the hell kind of crappy deal is that? Keep your spirits up? Only spirits I'm raising these days are in a bottle."
There was silence in the room for several minutes as each man thought on Ezra's final requests. The guilt became an almost tangible presence. Eventually, Vin spoke.
"OK – I've been no better at this than any of you, but that changes today. My job was to make sure you all did your jobs, and that's what I aim to do. I haven't given up hope. I can't. But I'm not living in some fantasy world either. I don't know if I'm doing him any good sitting there in the room all the time. I do know it's not doing the rest of us any good, and I know that would piss him off. So, as of tomorrow, I'm back at work full time. Not saying there won't be days I might need to be there with him, and I expect I'll be there most evenings, but the rest of the time I have to move on with my life. That was the other thing he asked of me, and I plan to honour it. Honour him."
"Damn Vin – I don't think you've ever put so many words together at one time before. You're pretty good at it."
"Only good if it makes you do the same Buck."
"Well, it ain't gonna make me give a speech, but I get what you're saying. And yeah – I want things to be the way they used to. Or at least as much as they can. Don't know if I can be happy, or make anyone else happy, but I can sure as hell stop moping all the time. That's at least the right direction."
"Buck? Do I get to kick you in the ass when you slip? That'd sure make me happy." JD's grin was wicked, and had Chris and Josiah laughing while Buck just glared, ineffectively, and the young man.
"I can guarantee one thing. Raine is going be mad as hell with me. I mean we finally set a date, now I gotta tell her I'm not becoming a medic after all."
"You set a date? Why didn't you say anything?" Chris demanded with a wide smile on his face. It was about time someone around here had good news.
"Well, haven't really had a chance to. We just decided last night. June 28th." He looked over to Vin. "Ezra's birthday. It was Raine's choice. She said that way he could be there with us."
"Nathan, that is one amazing lady you found for yourself." Josiah patted the young man on the back.
"Not news to me, my friend. So, are you going to make it unanimous? You coming back."
"Not as easy as it sounds. I retired. That's a lot of paperwork to undo, and the bureau may not want me back. I'm not exactly a youngster anymore, as Vin so kindly reminded me yesterday." He winked to show there were no hard feelings, while Vin gave his best 'Who me?' look.
"Well, might not be quite as complicated as you'd think. You know, with everything going on, and all the filing and processing and what not we've been doing, a few things have sort of slipped through the cracks. I know I put in an extended leave request for you, but don't think any retirement papers got sent in."
"Chris you are one sneaky bastard. Was wondering why I hadn't received any kind of pension paperwork."
"Oh yeah, didn't think about that part of it. Well, no plan is perfect. Sorry."
"All right!" JD pumped a fist in the air. "We are back! Team 7 rides again. Oh, well…" his face fell slightly as he realized how that sounded. "You know what I mean guys.'
"Relax Kid." Buck reached over an ruffled his hair. "We get it. And you're right. We are back. We aren't the same, but we're back."
TBC
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