Title: A Life of It
Author: Roguie etc…
Part: 9/?
Fandom: Once Upon a Time
Characters: Emma/Killian
World: AU Modern
Rating: T, with the likelihood it will change to M over time, because I'm weak like that.
Warnings: Child abuse, bullying, mentions of potential molestation, all the bad things you'd expect to find in a poorly executed foster care system.
Spoilers: It's AU, so not likely.
Summary: Everywhere she was sent, he was there, her savior, the boy with blue eyes. He should have meant nothing to her, just another person that had to leave, but he meant everything. Against all odds, he kept coming back.
Disclaimer: OuaT is not mine, if it were, tackle hugs and sweet kisses would be our norm. Also, there would be way more, *cough*, sword practice scenes between our Captain and his Swan.
A/N: Peace offering! I can't guarantee I'll get anything written tomorrow as it's the first day of my store's quarterly sale, and well, as manager I really should be involved. :P~ Besides, I really like success, and honestly don't trust another soul to grow my store like I can do lol So, in light of the rather depressing chapter that last appeared, here are a few thousand more words, a little less depressing, and a little push towards bringing sweet Emmie back into the light. Hope y'all enjoy, and should I have the opportunity, I'll update asap. Thanks again for reading!
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It wasn't with a light step that Killian Jones cleared the distance between the school building and the bleachers where Emma remained long after the dismissal bell had already rung.
There was no smile on his face, no light in his eyes, there was nothing about his demeanor to suggest any sort of friendliness at all as he approached the group.
"Emma? A word?"
She looked over her shoulder at him, scowling lightly, rolling her eyes as she turned her back on him and continued her conversation with Neal.
"Hey, I get that you're pissed, but there is no cause to be rude, Princess."
At the sound of the old nickname on his lips she stiffened, turning her green gaze on him, her stare filled with enough ire that he should have melted in place if he wasn't already steeled to be immune to her hatred.
"I'm not leaving until we speak, Em, so I can either stand here talking to the benches or you can get up off your ass and take a walk with me. The second option will be faster, just so you know."
"For Christ's sake," she huffed, pushing herself up off Neal's lap and turning to hop down. It was only as she went to leave that the other boy reacted, grabbing onto the back of her shirt and hauling her back, startling a squeak out of her lips.
"I didn't hear you ask if I was finished with you yet, Ems," he stated sourly, frowning over her head at Killian. "Coz if you had I'd let you know I'm not finished yet, so get your ass back in my lap until I say it's time to go."
Killian bristled, uncontrolled rage filling his eyes as he bit back the venomous words that flooded his mouth and threatened poison the ground between him and Emma.
"Don't think we've met yet," Killian said quietly, stepping forward with his good hand stretched out. "Killian Jones."
Neal snorted, ignoring Killian's hand, tightening his further into Emma's shirt. "Yeah, I've head of you, haven't I, Victor?"
All the guys laughed and parted, clearly showing Killian's old buddy Victor Whale crouched in between the group of them, looking remarkably out of place, shame clouding his eyes as he looked down at the bleachers.
"Um, hey, Kill, how's it going?"
"Oh, great, Victor. Couldn't be better." It hit Killian suddenly exactly how Neal had found his way in with Emma. It all came down to Victor and his need to fit in; he'd told Neal about Killian's relationship with Emma, he'd let Neal know exactly what had broken Emma, and then guided Neal into using that bond she and Killian had once shared to build his own way into her life, using the hole Killian had left to worm right in there and take over what was left of her.
His stomach turned sour as his heart kept repeating, over and over, this is all your fault. He'd done this to her, stripped her of her self worth and left her to the wolves. Jesus, he was such a screw up.
"Since you know who I am, then I'm sure you can understand my desire to have a chat with my little sister, then, can't you, mate?" He did everything in his power to keep his tone cordial as he glared up at Neal, letting him know in no uncertain terms that Killian was onto him, at the same time using a term that on the outside seemed nonthreatening to his current relationship with the girl in question.
"Oh, whatever. Go on, Emmie, go have a little talk with your old brother. We'll finish our business at home tonight." He flashed Killian a cruel smirk before hopping down from the bleachers and striding confidently across the field, his lackies following close behind in a well trained pack.
"Thought you were just Emma now, Princess." He tried not to wince at the name he'd once called her coming from Neal's lips, but it was hard, damned hard.
She shrugged. "Can we just do this and get it over with, Killian? I have to get home."
"To him?" The bitterness rang through, there was nothing he could do to stop it.
When she looked up at him then, with such bone deep sorrow in her eyes, Killian's own eyes filled with tears. "Please, Em, please just come with me. This… this is wrong. So wrong." Fuck, he hadn't meant to beg her, but with that look she was every inch the four year old he'd held in his arms as she'd cried herself to sleep.
"And what do I do when you're gone again? At least.. at least Neal has a home; as long… as long as he's happy with… with me living there his parents won't… I don't have to worry about leaving again."
Killian's face crumpled as he reached out for her, his heart breaking as she took a step back, staying just out of his reach. "I have a home now, Emma, a real home. Liam came back for me. I… I won't leave again, I promise."
She shrugged, an exhausted, bone weary sigh slipping from her lips. "What are your promises worth, Killian?"
He clenched his jaw, closing his eyes tightly. "Every drop of blood in my body, Em. I swear to you, I will never leave you again, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, I will not leave you."
She chuckled softly, shaking her head. "That sounds more like a threat than a promise."
Something akin to hope flowed through his veins, his blue eyes sparking behind their veil of rage and sorrow. "I can make it a threat if that's what you're into, Em; say the word, I'll do just about anything to prove to you I mean everything I say."
Some of her rage melted away, his familiarity too much, his draw too strong. She moved to sit on the grass in the middle of the football field, nodding at the place beside her. Killian eagerly took the spot, breathing in deeply every molecule of air that carried her scent to him.
"How do I know this isn't just another empty promise? Another trick to make me feel better now, but tomorrow I'll wake up heartbroken all over again?"
"I'm not gonna push you, Emmie. I'll be as close or as far away as you ask me to be, as long as I know that I am exactly where you want me to be, not where you think you need me to be. I swear to not lie to you, I swear that none of this is a joke to me. You can meet Liam for yourself, you'll know in an instant that he is my brother. I realize that I need to earn your trust back, Princess, but you have to give me the chance to do so. Please."
"No lies?"
"No trickery. When you come to me it will be because you want me, and I will be there waiting, Em, I swear it."
"And if I tell you that I'm going home tonight and Neal will expect to have his hands on me, and I won't fight him on it?"
"I'll go home and be sick through the night, but I swear I'll not stop you."
She snorted softly, edging over to shoulder bump him lightly. "I don't believe you for a second."
"What, that I'll spend the night sick to my stomach with thoughts of his hands on you running through my mind?"
"No, that I believe. You've always been over protective."
Killian sighed. "It's just a shame I couldn't protect you from myself."
"You hurt me, Killian. Probably worse than anyone else in my entire life."
His head bowed forward as he accepted the awful weight of that statement. "I know, Em. I've known that since the day they took me from my home and I knew I'd not see you again. I should have called, written, something, but I was a kid and a coward. I couldn't fight for you, Emma because I didn't deserve you. Not then, not when I was nothing, had nothing."
She shrugged, picking at the blades of grass between them. "You had me."
"We were kids, I mean, fuck, you still are a kid, Princess… even under all this shit, you're still just a kid."
"I'm fifteen, not five."
"Yeah, and I'm about to turn eighteen. There's an entire world standing between us."
Her jaw clenched and Killian winced at the anger that once again filled her eyes. "So what, you came back just to find me, tell me you didn't want to leave me, tell me you'll wait for me, but even with all that said, you still don't actually want me? What the actual…!"
"EMMA!" Killian cut her off, dragging a palm down his face as he struggled to find his composure. "Just stop. Stop trying to find fault in everything I'm saying. I'm not going to leave you again. I'm not going to hurt you again. I want to be your brother, I want to be your friend, I want to be whatever the fuck you want me to be if you just give me a proper chance!"
"Having you here sucks," she mumbled, pulling her knees up to her chin, gazing out over the football field. "I was doing okay, y'know. I had food, a pretty permanent roof over my head, I was mostly kinda happy, at least, y'know, not totally miserable. Neal might be an ass, but he treats me okay."
Killian growled sharply, shaking his head. "Nothing about the way he treats you is okay, Emma. You haven't got a shred of respect for yourself. You just put yourself out there to be used, and you're okay with that?"
She shrugged. "What's left over when you realize there isn't a single person in your life that truly wants you? Not even the one person who you thought loved you, just straight up loved you." She met his tortured blue eyes with her sad green ones, shaking her head softly.
"I've always loved you, Emmie. I always will. I... I was stupid. I can't say it enough, I was so stupid to leave you waiting for me. I was so stupid to not write you or call you. I... I didn't think... I didn't think it would matter after you left at the dance that night. It felt like you were saying goodbye, and I didn't know what to do, and then the police brought me home and my foster parents sent me back, and I was so ashamed of myself, Em, I didn't know how to say I was sorry. I am so, so sorry, but I have always loved you. That never changed for a second."
"I've never missed anything in my life the way I missed you. I don't remember the first time, not really, but I held onto that stupid book like it was a lifeline until you came back into my life. When I had to leave that day, they couldn't stop me from crying; I think I wailed for an entire afternoon and they just left me to cry it out. When I found you again, it was like everything was suddenly right in my world. I had a good home, I had Ruby and then I had you and it was perfect. Then I didn't have you anymore; I missed you and nothing made sense without you. I missed you until I broke, Killian."
"I'm sorry," he whispered again, arms automatically reaching out for her before falling helplessly to his sides. He clenched his wrecked hand until the barely healed bones ached with the pressure, turning his focus to the pain that radiated out of the nearly useless appendage.
"They took me from my home a few months later, y'know? I guess my foster parents didn't know what to do with a clinically depressed eleven year old. They sent me to a group home and I stayed there for a couple of years. Eventually I was able to pack it all up inside and start being normal again, at least normal enough that they were able to send me back off to foster care again. I went through two houses before I landed at Neal's and by then, well, I was pretty convinced that I was just this giant fuck up that ruined everyone's lives that came into contact with my own. He was nice to me, Killian. Not at first, but after a few weeks back at school here, he was nice. He said that he always wanted a sister and that he wouldn't let his dad send me away, that I could breathe now, that I'd have a home now."
Killian's fist clenched tighter, the pure rage moving through him a white hot burn down his spine as he struggled to keep control.
"I knew what he was up to the first time he climbed into bed with me, but, I figured, it was an okay life and it was only a few more years until I'd be out on my own, so why not take love where I could get it, y'know?"
"That's not love, Em, that's not anything like love." Killian ground out between clenched teeth, shutting his eyes against the sight of her shrugging.
"It's what I know." He felt her little fingers wrap into his good hand, squeezing his palm lightly. Fresh rage and fresh guilt swam through him at the thought of her comforting him when he was the one who did this to her. Self loathing, thy name is Killian Jones.
"Emmie..."
"It's not as bad as it looks. I haven't, y'know..." She bit her lip, looking off down the field instead of at him as she tried to reassure him she'd not hit bottom, she was still treading water in the murky sea that was her life. "I know the guys all think we have, and I guess Neal probably tells them we have, but, yeah, I haven't. I... I don't know why I want you to know that, but... but it's important you believe me."
Killian sighed, squeezing her hand back softly. "I believe you, Em. I... I know I hurt you... just... just don't... don't do that because I hurt you, please. Do it because you want to... not... not because I'm a stupid ass who couldn't do a damned thing right by you. I... I'm not saying not to do it, that's up to you, I'm just saying... y'know... make sure you want to, promise me that, please?"
"None of this was to hurt you, Killian," she whispered, edging close enough to rest her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes at the instant comfort that washed over her, making her feel more at home than she had in years.
"Yeah," he mumbled, tilting his head to rest against hers.
"It's just... having you here now, it sucks. A lot." Her voice was just a whisper now, her teeth rubbing her lower lip raw as she chewed on it nervously. "Seeing you... having you see me... like this... it makes my heart hurt."
"I don't want to hurt you, Emmie, not any more than I already have. Just... just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Whatever it is, I'll do it."
Her phone pinged in her pocket, and she sighed, pulling it out to read the message and quickly tapping back a reply. "I have to go home. Neal's waiting for me."
"Emma..." his voice trailed off and he found himself reaching out to her with his ruined hand, stroking her soft cheek with the scarred mass that once held her while they danced.
"Just... don't leave. I don't know what I'm gonna do, Killian, but just don't leave. I need time to think."
"Yeah," he mumbled in reply, dropping his hand away from her and back into his lap.
"And don't think that we're not going to discuss what happened there," she said pointedly, staring down at his scarred flesh unabashedly.
"You'd be proud of me," he said quietly, flexing the ruined fingers to force them out of their curved position.
"I was always proud of you, Killian."
It broke his heart to let her walk away, gracefully jogging across the football field and disappearing down the path to her house, but he stayed in place and just watched her go. At least she hadn't screamed at him like she'd done that morning. At least she was openly acknowledging that she wasn't proud of the life she'd been living. At least under all that hurt and rage, his little princess was still waiting, holding onto him even if she wasn't able to let him back into that hidden part of her quite yet.
It was progress.
He could live with that tonight.
~~~TBC~~~
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