~Teddy Conrad~
Teddy hadn't hesitated to come back to Nashville for Rayna's funeral, when Daphne called him in the middle of the night. Not like he had for Deacon's. Even after all those years, he couldn't get used to Deacon taking his place. He and Rayna had stayed in touch, because of the girls. When he got out of prison, he'd gone first to Atlanta, then to Chicago. He'd hated being so far from Daphne, but he knew he could never go back to Nashville and being farther away meant he had a chance to make a new life for himself. Deacon had seemed to take on the father role with both girls, which had hurt. But he had swallowed his pride and worked to accept that proximity mattered. He'd never been able to completely get over the jealousy that had always been there though.
He hadn't been in Nashville since Deacon's funeral. He'd been hesitant to come, but Daphne had asked him to and so he had. He hadn't expected it to hurt so much, watching Rayna grieve for her husband. They had never talked much about her marriage, essentially by silent agreement. Of all the men she could have gotten involved with, or married, Deacon was the one who got under his skin. He told himself it was because he knew how much Deacon had hurt her in the past, but the truth was, he'd never really completely gotten over her. Part of why he had divorced her was because the shadow of Deacon loomed large over their marriage. When the truth had come out about Maddie, it had really sealed the deal.
After he hung up from talking with Daphne, he sat on the edge of his bed. His heart felt heavy in his chest. He realized tears were trailing down his cheeks. He breathed in and out and then he started to sob. Rayna had not been the only woman in his life, but she had been the one he had always loved. No matter the paths their lives took them, she was the one who had stayed in his heart.
And now she was gone.
He came late to the viewing. He didn't feel it was his place to be there the entire time. He wasn't Rayna's family, after all. Not really. As the cab wound its way through the darkened streets, he felt wistful. He'd had the city in the palm of his hand. He was a popular mayor, considering a run for statewide office. He certainly wasn't a stranger to shady dealings and back office machinations, but he was powerful enough to keep that hidden. At least, until he'd met Jeff Fordham. That's when things began to go sideways for him. He closed his eyes. He tried hard not to think about those days. He'd been out of prison a long time and he had pushed that as far into the dark recesses of his mind as he could.
He breathed in and opened his eyes again. Nashville had changed tremendously since he'd been gone. It had become one of the most powerful cities in the country, moving well beyond its country music beginnings. It was a music capitol these days, a musical juggernaut encompassing not just one genre but all, as well as a service industry leader. He shook his head and smiled to himself. He would not want to be the mayor these days. Back in his time, Nashville was still small enough to be manageable. Not anymore. He did believe he had contributed to some of the beginning of what the city would ultimately become, but he also knew that recognition would have been lost in the wake of his scandalous ending.
When he got to the funeral home, he paid the cab driver and then got out, closing the door behind him. He stood on the sidewalk and watched the cab drive off into the night. He breathed in deeply, shivering in the chilly air. He turned to look at the building in front of him, still having a hard time believing Rayna was really gone. Finally he headed up to the front door and, pausing just a second, he opened the door and stepped in.
All the lights were on and he could hear the dull murmur of the crowd that had come to pay respects. He hoped that most of the people who would have attended had left, leaving fewer people for him to have to face. He slowly walked down the hallway and found the room. He stood at the door and looked around. It was mostly family still there, but there were also others he didn't know, who he suspected were in the music industry.
"Dad!" He turned to see Daphne calling for him, as she headed his way. She hugged him. "You finally got here," she said. "I was afraid you wouldn't make it."
He smiled at her. "I just didn't want to be a distraction," he said.
She shook her head. "You wouldn't have been. But I'm glad you're here now." She grabbed his arm. "Let's go see Maddie."
"You sure?"
She nodded. "Yes. Let's go." He let her lead him over towards where the casket was displayed. He was glad it wasn't open. He wasn't sure he could handle that. Maddie turned as they approached. "Maddie, Dad finally got here," Daphne said, as they stopped in front of her.
He took a deep breath and looked at his older daughter. In his mind's eye he briefly remembered when the doctor had placed her in his arms the day she was born. He had felt a love he hadn't known was possible that day and he still felt that way. "Hey, Maddie," he said quietly.
She hesitated just a second and then said, "Hey. Thanks for coming."
He took a step towards her. "I'm very sorry about your mom," he said. Maddie nodded and he saw the glisten of tears in her eyes. He reached out and pulled her into an embrace. After a moment he could feel her arms slowly wrap around him and he hugged her closer. "I know this must be so hard," he whispered in her ear. He was reminded of all the times he'd comforted her when she was sad, holding her much the same way. Back when she thought he was her father and that he hung the sun, the moon, and the stars.
She let him hold her briefly and then she stepped back, her eyes filled with tears. She nodded then and said, "It is." She paused. "I hope you'll come to the house. I think it would be good if we could talk."
His heart felt lighter for the first time since Daphne had called him with the news of Rayna's passing. He smiled. "I'd like that," he said. She smiled back and then she turned and headed for another guest.
Teddy sat in the backseat with his grandson, Michael, on the way to Maddie and Daniel's house. He regretted not having made the time to develop a real relationship with Michael before, as he listened to the sixteen year old tell him about his school projects and sports and learning about music production from his father. Daphne's son was smart and engaging, not seeming to mind that his grandfather had been largely absent from his life.
Teddy also glanced over, periodically, at Daphne, as she and Nick seemed to be having a somewhat awkward exchange. Nothing about it was unpleasant, but Teddy was concerned about the lack of warmth he saw there. He could see, on his daughter's face, that she still loved her husband and he could also see the pain that went along with not quite being connected. He felt an ache in his heart, remembering how, as time went on, he and Rayna were just like that. Except that he was the one who was still in love and desperate not to lose that. He hoped maybe, before he returned to Chicago, he and Daphne could talk a little about that.
When they pulled into the driveway at Maddie's house, Teddy was impressed with the warmth it seemed to project. It looked like a home, with the warm lights both inside and out, and the welcoming porch. He had been happy to see how close she and Daniel still were, all these years later. He had worried when Rayna had told him they were getting married, worried that Maddie was too young and still digging out from the emancipation mess, but she had reassured him that both she and Deacon were supportive and that Daniel was the perfect husband for their daughter. And so it seemed he was.
The house was just as warm inside as out and Teddy relaxed a bit. He spent some time talking to Tandy and then, suddenly, Maddie was at his elbow. He turned to her and smiled. "Hey, Maddie," he said.
She reached out and touched his arm, then smiled at Tandy. "Can I steal him away from you, Aunt Tandy?" she asked.
Tandy nodded and smiled. "Of course. I'm going to find Lily."
And then they were alone. "I'd really like to show you my music room," she said. He nodded and let her lead him down a hall and up some stairs. During their marriage, he rarely went to Rayna's music room. It had seemed so foreign to him and, even though she never had Deacon there, it always felt like he inhabited it. So even though Maddie's music room looked a lot like Rayna's, it was all Maddie, and felt comfortable.
They sat on one of the couches, facing each other. Maddie cleared her throat and looked down at her lap first, then back up at him. He knew she was fifty-five now, no longer a young girl or a teenager, but when he looked at her that's how he saw her. She still looked young and innocent, when the biggest disappointment in her life was when she didn't make the starting soccer team. Back when she was his daughter. "I'm glad you came," she said. "I know when you came for my dad's funeral it was awkward and it didn't end well and I'm sorry about that."
Teddy waved his hand and shook his head. "I wish I could have been more gracious, Maddie," he said sadly. "I tried very hard not to hold a grudge, to understand how all of you would turn to him, but it was really hard for me to forget, you know, everything that went on back when your mother found out she was pregnant. But I should have been the bigger man. I know that."
Maddie took a deep breath. "I never talked to Mom about what it was like then. I thought she wouldn't tell me. Would you?"
He hesitated. "That was so long ago. And all of that, well, it's all water under the bridge now."
She shrugged. "Maybe. But you did something then that most men wouldn't. And I'd like to understand that."
He thought about what to say. He didn't want to hurt Maddie's memories of her parents, but he wanted to be honest with her. "Well, you know your mom and I had been dating. This was after she had broken up with Deacon. She was really hesitant to get into a serious relationship, so we kept it light. We'd go out when she was in town, mostly out to dinner, sometimes to a movie or a show. After a while, things got a little more serious in that she told me about her relationship with Deacon and how hard it had been on her."
She nodded. "Because he was drinking?"
"Yes. And other things, like being unreliable. She'd fired him from her band and that caused a lot of trouble for her. It was hard for her, Maddie, because she'd tried for so long to help him and just felt like she couldn't do it anymore. She was, well, she was really tired. And hurt. She was fragile then. So I just tried to be there for her."
"Why did you marry her, knowing she was pregnant by another man?" she asked.
He remembered her asking that same question the night she found out Deacon was her father. She'd thrown it at him like an accusation that night. He told her then the same thing he told her now. "I loved her, Maddie. We didn't find out for sure until after you were born, although she told me right away she thought you were Deacon's."
Maddie looked puzzled. "Weren't you hurt? To know she'd been unfaithful to you?"
He shrugged. "I guess, at first. It's not the best way to start a marriage, but Deacon wasn't really in any shape to be a father then. She didn't think he was. I offered to marry her and raise you as my own. I'll be honest, I didn't know how I would feel once you were born. I wanted to be a good father and a good husband, but I didn't know." He smiled then. "But the minute I held you in my arms, I loved you. You were my daughter, from that second on, and I would have done anything for you." His smile faded then. "I understand why you pushed me away after a while. I hated it, because I loved you so much, but I understood that you didn't need me the same way anymore."
She shook her head. "It wasn't really that at all. After all the…emancipation stuff, well, I did some terrible things, made some terrible accusations about my dad and let my lawyer bring up terrible stuff about him. I hurt him so deeply. When I came back home, he tried so hard to just move on from it, but I had broken his trust and I really needed to focus on that. And you were in prison, so, I hate to say it, but it made it easier." He saw tears glisten in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I just wasn't sure how to restart things. You left Nashville and I had Mom and Dad and I just didn't know how to get back to what we'd had." She reached out then for his hand and he felt a lump in his throat. "But I do need you. And I need you now more than ever. Dad." She breathed in. "Daphne and I both need you to be part of our family again."
He could feel tears on his face, but he was smiling. "I would love to, Maddie," he said. Then she sat forward and hugged him. This was so much more than he'd been expecting, but it had definitely made the trip worthwhile.
It felt strange to be there as Rayna's first husband. It was so long ago now that he'd been part of her life. Whenever he thought back to those days, he often thought of missed opportunities. He had been in love with her although he knew her feelings for him weren't the same. She was grateful to him, cared about him, but he'd known her heart always truly belonged to another. He had never told her that he'd heard her cry every night for months. He knew she was crying for Deacon, but he hoped that eventually he could make her forget about the man who'd hurt her so badly.
That had never really happened, of course, but they had had a good marriage for a long time. He could never deny that she worked hard at the marriage. He believed that she was even happy for most of the time they were married. He tried not to let his jealousy creep in, tried to keep from imagining what could happen all those years she was out on the road with Deacon. But they had Maddie and then Daphne and he believed that had helped them build a solid marital foundation. If it wasn't the love story he would have liked it to be, it was still good and he was still with the love of his life.
No one else ever compared to Rayna. He had married Peggy because he thought she was pregnant. She had loved him the way he had loved Rayna and he found himself loving her because of that, perhaps the same way Rayna had loved him. He'd pursued Megan Vanoy, a lawyer who was involved with Deacon at the time. When she'd found out about it, Rayna had accused him of doing it because of Deacon, because of the turmoil surrounding Maddie's desire to connect with Deacon. He really couldn't deny it so he had tried to move on. But then he'd gotten tangled up with Natasha, the prostitute Jeff Fordham had introduced him to. The woman who ultimately led him into the arms of the Feds and to prison.
He pushed thoughts of other women out of his head. He wanted to just think about Rayna. In spite of how things had ended with them, she had worked to maintain his relationship with the girls and then to bolster it after he'd gone to prison. She kept him up-to-date on the girls and, later, their families. She had always been kind to him, caring and compassionate. More than he had deserved, considering everything.
They had talked, once, not long before he was released from prison, about the complicated emotions surrounding the time when she'd found out she was pregnant and didn't know what to do. He'd often wondered if she'd regretted her decisions then, regretted how things had played out.
"It's complicated, Teddy," she said. "You know that." She sighed. "I think we're past it. I'm not sure there's any need to talk it out."
"There is for me, Rayna," he said. "It changed my relationship with Maddie and I feel like I selfishly forced you to keep it from her. And from Deacon."
She was quiet for a moment. "Whatever I think now, Teddy, I made those decisions back then. I have had to live with them, and with the outcome of them, for all these years. If you're asking me, if I knew then what I know now, would I have done things differently, then my answer is I don't know." She cleared her throat. "Maybe that's not completely true. I think, if I had to do things over, I would have told Deacon. But I don't know that I would have done the rest of it differently. Because, well, you know, Deacon was in no shape to be a father then. And even if he'd made a decision to try to get sober, he had a history of not being able to do it. I had no way of knowing if he'd ever be able to do it. And I couldn't do that to a child. Or to myself. I have never regretted giving Maddie you for a father. You were a great father. The most important thing for me then was that my child be loved and you did that. I am forever grateful to you for that."
"I think Maddie resents the decisions we made on her behalf."
"Teddy, her life is in turmoil right now. You can't let that make you feel like she's rejecting you. What she's dealing with now has nothing to do with you. She just can't let herself feel distracted. She needs to untangle herself from this mess with Lennox Hill. And she and Deacon are trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces of their relationship. Let her get through those things and I know she'll be ready to see you again."
That hadn't happened, of course, but now it had. And he felt a little like Rayna had a hand in it, even though she wasn't physically here. He smiled as he listened to everyone talk about the impact Rayna had had on their lives, how she'd nurtured them or supported them or given great advice or that she'd just been there. He realized what a huge heart she had and her loyalty to the people in her life, and then he was grateful to have been one of those people. Thank you for letting me be part of your world, even if it was only for a little while. Rest in peace, Rayna.
