Chapter 2

Liz didn't know what to say. Was he finally going to tell her how he had felt? What he had been through? To be honest he'd been spot on when he'd said earlier that she'd been so selfish that she never even thought about what she had done to her colleagues and to Reddington.

She obviously knew that it had affected her colleagues. They had told her so or shown her that they were angry and disappointed, but it seemed that they had moved on. Reddington, on the other hand, still seemed very much affected and now was as good a moment as any to find out why.

After a long silence, Red took a deep breath "After saying…" he cleared his throat, "After saying my goodbyes to you in the ambulance, I…. collapsed"

He swallowed hard, trying to keep the tears at bay that he felt pooling in his eyes at the memory of the loss he had felt.

"I don't really remember much after that because it all happened in a daze. I went to an opium den and I spent a couple of days there"

Liz eyes grew big. An opium den? She tried to picture Red under the influence of drugs but had a hard time doing so. She only knew this man to be strong and in control.

"I just didn't want…. to feel. After a few days I left and went to an old house, close to the beach" Red decided not to bother her with the hallucinations he'd had but to keep those to himself.

"I eh….." he stopped, not sure how to tell her this and even if he should tell her this. His mouth and throat had gone dry, so he got up and poured himself a glass of water that was on the table. He cursed Dembe for not having any scotch or other alcoholic drinks there. He could've used a good scotch right now.

He emptied the glass, refilled it and slowly made his way over to the couch. Those chairs were terrible to sit on and the couch looked nice and comfy.

He sat down and was now across the room from Liz, who wasn't sure whether to follow him to the couch or not. She decided she should, as the distance between them wasn't making it any easier to talk. She got up and poured herself a juice before making her way over and sitting on the other end of the couch.

After another long silence, Red continued, "I was in a terrible state of mind. So bad that I…." he could barely bring himself to say it "…I almost…. ended it"

Liz looked at him in shock. Did he just tell her he had almost committed suicide? Why the hell would he do that? She knew he loved her, but that much? She looked at his hands holding the glass of water and saw they were shaking. He was frowning and was taking deep breaths through his mouth, his eyes fixed on the water. Her instinct told her to sit closer and hold him but she didn't. She had no idea if he even wanted her close right now.

When he didn't say anything else she decided to ask "Why? Why would you even consider killing yourself?"

Red thought about what to say to this. How would she react if he told her the truth? If he bluntly told her how much he loved her; how much she meant to him; how much he needed her? What would happen if he did?

He had no idea how she felt about him. There had been times that he'd had a bit of hope that she loved him back. Times where she would show affection or would say something sweet. But most of the time she was cold and distant to him, calling him all sorts of names, anything but endearing. No, he was better off not telling her the real reason, although he would have to come up with some other reason.

Red had been so deep within his thoughts, that he never even noticed Liz getting up from her spot and sitting next to him, until he could actually feel the heat radiating from her body and warming his right side.

She reached over and took one of his hands in hers. It felt cold and shaky and she clasped his hand between hers in an attempt to warm it. She caressed the top of his hand, running her fingers through the soft blond hairs he had there.

Liz had no idea if what she was doing was a smart thing to do, but she felt it was the right thing to do. Red hadn't answered her question yet, but she had an idea of what it could be.

"Red, please answer me. Why did you want to kill yourself?"

Red looked at his hand that was clasped between Liz's and relished the feeling of her fingers stroking the top of it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. A million thoughts were racing through his mind and he had no idea what to do at his point. All he knew was that it probably wasn't a good idea to tell Liz about his feelings.

So instead of telling her, he got up and walked over to the table. He needed to clear his head and had no idea how. He thought about walking back to the door and asking Dembe to let them out but something stopped him. And he knew exactly what. His love for her.

Liz sat on the couch, not sure what to do next. She didn't expect Reddington to get up and walk away. Was it because she'd taken his hand into hers? Was it too soon? She slowly got up and took a few steps in Red's direction but left enough space between them.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to" she said, not wanting to pressure him.

"I was expecting that I didn't need to tell you…. that what I said was an explanation on its own" Red replied, just loud enough for Liz to hear.

Liz frowned, not sure what that meant. Red looked over his shoulder and saw the quizzical look on Liz's face. Gosh, how blind she could be sometimes, he thought, thinking that he'd presented her the answer on a silver platter already.

"You really don't get it, do you?" he asked her, while going through the food on the table. He wasn't hungry at all but he just needed to keep himself busy.

"Well, not really. I mean, I get it that you felt that you lost me but that's no reason to kill yourself"

He sighed heavily "It is if that person is the only thing you live for"

Red turned and walked back towards the couch without looking at Liz. He just couldn't right now because he felt that confessing this might drive her even further away. He just didn't care at this point because she'd been behaving like she hated him anyway.

Liz just stood there, frozen. Unable to move or speak. What Red had just told her was a huge confession. She stared at him as he took his seat on the couch again, grunting slightly as he sat down.

The man that she had feelings for had just told her she's the only thing he lives for. She needed a moment to process this and walked over to the table and poured herself another juice and took a bite out of a croissant.

So all this time he had loved her. Really loved her. She'd been blocking her feelings for him for a long time now. Knowing who he was and what he did made her take a step back. Also the fact that she felt that she was too young and inexperienced for him. She'd been sure that his flirting was just that and nothing more so there had been plenty of reasons for her to keep their relationship a professional one.

She turned to look at him and he had his eyes fixed on the floor in front of him. Liz knew he probably regretted telling her this. She needed to tell him that she felt the same way. Although there was always this little voice in her head that told her not to trust him. If only he could put her mind at ease and tell her things she wanted to know.

"Okay, I… I get that you love me…" she started, "But why? What is our connection? Why did you come into my life?"

She started walking towards the sofa slowly "I just want some answers, Red. Don't you think I deserve that?"

Red looked up at her as she slowly walked over to him.

"See, the thing is… I love you too"

Now it was Red's turn to be shocked. His jaw dropped as he watched her getting closer.

"Now, the only problem is, that I still have a hard time trusting you sometimes. You say you've never lied to me but I can't get rid of this feeling that there's something you're not telling me. My love for you gets side tracked by the feeling that I can't completely trust you"

She was now standing in front of Red. He looked up at her and tilted his head.

"I don't know what it is that you want from me"

"I know you knew my parents. I know you were there the night of the fire. What exactly happened? What did you do?"

Red kept looking up at her before averting his gaze and staring at his hands that were resting in his lap.

Should he tell her about his role that night? He had tried so hard to keep it from her because he didn't want her to feel bad about it or feel sorry for him. That was the last thing he wanted for something he had done over 25 years ago.

Well, he thought, since we're on the sharing path…. and he started to unbutton his vest and next his dress shirt.

Red still hadn't said a word but suddenly started to undress. Liz raised her eyebrows and took a step back from the couch. What the hell was happening?

"Errr, Red?" Liz asked carefully, when he took off his vest, tie and dress shirt and stood up from the couch so he was standing before her now.

"You wanted to know", he said softly, before taking off the white t-shirt he was wearing.

Liz stood there watching his every move. If she hadn't been so nervous about what was to come, she would've found Reddington's little striptease quite erotic.

He looked at her intently before slowly turning around to turn his back towards her.

It felt like her heart stopped beating. She held her breath as she looked at the scars on Red's back. One hand clasped in front of her mouth, in shock at the sight before her.

He'd been there that night and he'd gotten hurt. She reached out one hand and carefully touched his right shoulder with her fingertips. Red didn't move at all which told her he didn't even feel her touch. She moved her fingers down and touched a spot that looked less scarred and this time he flinched.

"Red? Why didn't you tell me? And what happened to you? Why are you so badly scarred?" Liz asked, tears forming in her eyes.

Red turned around to face Liz. His expression sad as he wiped a tear from Liz's cheek with his thumb. He slowly shook his head.

"Please, Liz, don't cry" he tilted his head and gave her a weak smile that didn't reach his eyes, "It happened, it's in the past"

Liz looked at him, tears still falling. Red wiped away another tear, "It's okay. I'm okay"

"But your back…. you must've been in so much pain" she sobbed.

"Yes. But it was worth it"

"What was worth it?" Liz frowned.

"Saving your life"