Normgasm: Thank you :-) More is coming, enjoy!
"That went alright!" Merle announces after getting in the truck, looking extremely pleased with himself. Lumen stays quiet. I catch her looking at Merle's bruised knuckles when he gets in. She then turns her head to look at mine but she sees my eyes on her and drops her gaze to her lap, where it stayed for the rest of the ride. She seems to be lost in thoughts and Merle has been giving her strange glances all the way to the house. I'm not sure what's up with her either. We are almost at the house when she turns to Merle and speaks for the first time since we left the apartment.
"You staying for dinner, right?" Her voice sounds okay but she doesn't look higher than his chest.
I park the truck but don't move to open the door. Neither does Merle. He turns in his seat as much as he can to face her. He's eyeing her for a moment and then reaches for her, making her look at him. "What is it? What did I do now?"
She shakes her head. "Nothing!"
Merle looks at me then, raising his eyebrows questioningly. I let out a snort. "It's the guy, he said some shit back there, about how we'll treat her badly to scare her. Looks like it worked."
Her head snaps to me, her face turning red. "You heard that?"
"Yup," I confirm with a nod.
Merle starts to laugh. "You scare way too easily. Just like the first time I saw you here? You looked at me like I was going to carve you up along with those deer. Really, what do you think we'll do? Chain you to the stove and never let you leave?" he finishes, still chuckling.
She shakes her head again. "No, it's not that. I just- I really am thankful you got my books back. They mean the world to me so I didn't want to give you the impression that I'm ungrateful." She sighs. "I just didn't expect you to beat him up like that. I don't think that was really necessary."
That makes Merle sneer at her. "Is that so? What did you want us to do then? Send him a mean letter?"
She shrugs helplessly. "I guess I didn't really think about it. My brain wasn't working properly yesterday, the hangover was awful, my head hurt like hell. I was just glad someone was going to handle something for me for once and I didn't give it much thoughts. I don't know what I expected. Maybe that you'd just ask, you know because it would come stronger from you guys. I don't know..." She trails off.
Merle sighs. "These things don't work that way sweetheart. You want something someone doesn't want to give? You have to say it clearly enough for them to listen!" He raises an eyebrow, daring her to disagree. When she remained silent he rubs his hands together happily. "Alright then, I'll just go and start with the boxes. And yes, I would love some of that dinner you were talking about." With that, he leaves the truck.
Lumen starts after him, but I grab her arm to stop her.
"You good?"
"Yeah." She gives me a weak smile. "I guess I'll have to think harder before asking you two for a favor again, huh? But yeah, I'm okay."
"I don't see why. It worked just fine." I let go of her arm but she grabs mine before I completely pull away and locks her eyes with mine.
"Thank you! I know we had an awkward start, but I like living here. I'm not sure why are you being so nice to me or helping me, but I want to thank you. I really do appreciate it." She fell silent after that but didn't let go of me. She then leans closer and says quietly, as if telling me a secret, "You know, between the two of us, it felt a little good to see him like that after the things he said and done." And after a small squeeze, she lets go. "I'll start the dinner?" I nod and on that note, she's off to the house. I watch her bounce into Merle in the door, I see him smile at her and hold it for her to enter.
Why indeed. I look down at the arm she was holding moments ago. People usually irritate me, some more, some less, but they all do at some level. It takes a big amount of effort to deal with most of them. The only time I didn't feel that annoyance and that anger in other people's presence has been the time in the woods, where I hold all the power, where I show them how little they really mean, how unimportant they are, when I see the last pieces of hope and then the life leaving them... until her. I can't explain it but toward her, I don't feel that way. Even Merle gets on my nerves most of the time but not her. She doesn't irritate me, she doesn't annoy me. Save for that first argument we had when she moved in, everything goes so smoothly with her, and even then I forgot why I got mad in a matter of minutes. I don't think there is a point in guessing what it is. It's just there, it's like I can breathe freely around her and I'm not the only one to feel that way apparently because I didn't see my brother take care of anyone besides me since... well ever. But something just clicked right between them. It looks like she's ours to look after now. And I find myself being absolutely okay with that.
We got the boxes piled up inside in no time. Some in Lumen's room, some in the living room. Now I'm sitting at the table drinking my beer and watching Merle hovering over Lumen, trying to steal whatever she's working on. All I hear is her slapping his hand away and him complaining about her not being nice enough to him. After one rather loud slap, he shouts out.
"Hey! That's the treatment I get after I so generously helped you out?"
"If you had helped me out of pure generosity, you wouldn't want anything in return. But that's not the point, I simply don't want to accidentally cut your fingers off, so have a beer or something and wait for it to be done."
He waves his bottle in front of her face. "I am having a beer, I wanted a snack with it, but if you are going to threaten me with a knife I'll just go and take my generosity elsewhere." He says it with a grin on his face and she smiles back at him. He looks at the boxes again as if contemplating something, then turns back to her and asks, "So, what's up with the books anyway? You wanted to start your own library or something?"
Lumen laughs but it's somewhat bitter. "No, I have all of them because of this thing we did with my dad. I always loved to read and I don't remember when it actually started, but we went to the bookstore once a week and I got to choose one that he bought for me. He always read it too, so we could talk about it after... He was great," she finished quietly.
"Was? What happened?" Merle asks after having a big swig of his beer. Lumen starts to fidget in her spot but of course, he doesn't pick up on that.
"He's dead. I'd rather not talk about it," she says keeping her eyes glued to the vegetable she's cutting.
Merle looks my way, raising eyebrows. I shrug, what do I know? It's not like we braid our hair and tell each other secrets in the evenings. He turns back to her.
"Well, at least one of us had a father that gave a shit." Lumen looks at him. "You don't wanna know, believe me." He shrugs off the potential question before she even opened her mouth. Who knows, maybe she wasn't about to ask anything anyway. Because her only reaction is a silent nod and continuing with her cooking. I enjoy the silence that follows for a minute or two until Merle looks from her to me and then sighs exaggeratedly.
"You know, you two are so much fun to be around! Neither of you seems to shut up!"
I snort. "Even if I wanted to say anything I wouldn't have a chance since you don't shut your mouth. Ever." I look to where Lumen is, she's throwing everything into the pan, the oil is hissing and it starts to smell delicious almost instantly. I didn't even realize how hungry I am until now. My eyes shift to Merle as he starts talking, again.
"Someone has to fill the silence so we don't get bored to death." He leans closer to Lumen. "You were fun enough the other night, want me to get you a drink? We could make a night of it!"
She laughs and shakes her head. "No thank you, as much as I would love to spend the night throwing up again, I have to get up early for work."
"How early?" he asks as he turns to go to sit with me.
"Very early." She glances at us over her shoulder. "4:30 am early."
Merle makes a face. "Well, that sucks for you."
But she shakes her head. "No, I wanted them to give me these hours. We have a schedule figured so I could do the school program and have time to study the evenings. I don't mind waking up early."
He's watching her cook, seemingly in thought. "What was it again that you study?"
"I'm in a nursing program."
A broad smile breaks on Merle's face. "That's right! A nurse! Hey, do you own one of those cute uniforms? That would improve this night enormously!" She just shakes her head again, not even bothering to answer that.
I light a smoke. "She said a nurse, not a stripper you creep. Leave her be."
Merle looks at me throwing hands in the air. "What did I say? I thought all college girls are up for any fun!"
That makes me laugh. "Sure, that's why you have to pick up the ones that barely walk by themselves."
Merle grins at me widely. "No, I do that because it's easier than to charm the sober ones to go with me. And the bonus is I can either leave them where I fucked them or just throw them out of my house without trouble and they usually don't even remember anything so they don't bother me afterward. You know how it is, baby brother, you start to act nice, they start to get clingy right away. Better to have that off the table so they won't get any ideas." He's explaining, looking very proud of himself. I doubt any of those college girls would be looking for him either way. But whatever, it's his business. Lumen turns to us at that point.
"Do you really have to explain that with me still in the room? I'm not drinking anywhere near you, ever again!"
He directs his grin at her, wiggling eyebrows. "What's the matter, sweetheart? Having trouble to remember something?"
I see her face loses some of the color and her eyes go wide. She briefly looks down at her body as if looking at it would give her some answer. Looking back up she breaths out barely audible. "No, you wouldn't!" Merle only continues to grin at her like a cat that ate the canary so I step in.
"No, of course, he didn't." Her eyes snap to me. "I was here the whole time, nothing happened." She looks from me to Merle probably trying to figure what the truth is but hissing from behind her makes her turn back to stir whatever is in that pan.
"Tell her, you asshole!" I kick Merle under the table hard enough for him to stop grinning. He frowns at me.
"It was just a joke! She knows that!" He then looks to where Lumen's standing. "You know that, right sweetheart?" When she stays silent, he gets up to go to her. I can see her tense up instantly and when Merle touches her shoulder, she jumps a little. "Oh, come on! Why would I even talk about it, if it was the truth?"
"I don't know, people do stupid things for stupid reasons. This wasn't funny. At all," she whispers. That makes me frown as Merle gives me an annoyed look. There's more to it than just her not taking a joke well. Merle's only too ignorant to pick up on what she's not saying.
He throws his hands in the air. "Alright, I won't be joking about fucking you again, happy? Jeez." He sits down again. I watch her to make our plates, she's working slowly and she looks lost. Merle follows my stare just for Lumen to see us both looking at her when she turns with two plates in her hands. She halts for a second and then puts the plates before us and clears her throat.
"I'm going to eat in my room." She doesn't wait for a reply. She takes her plate and is gone before I manage to say anything. I look to Merle who looks genuinely confused. I shake my head, he's hopeless.
"You can't just joke with a girl about raping her and then expect her to have a dinner with you. She doesn't know you that well to know you say stupid shit all the damn time, you moron!" I snort before digging into my food.
"I wasn't joking about raping her!" His expression transforms to offended one.
"Yeah, you were. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure that fucking someone barely conscious who's telling you 'no' is a rape. So telling her you did it is joking just about that."
I watch him mull it over in his head when finally he seems to realize what he said. He looks startled for a second, but it's gone so quickly, I wouldn't even notice it if I wasn't watching so closely.
"Whatever! She doesn't even remember saying 'no' to me. Who are you to lecture me about bad behavior anyway?"
I shrug and go back to eating. He's right. About the lecturing part at least. It's just, that lost look on her face. It bugs me for some reason. Now that I think about it, there is something off about the way she's jumping from absolutely calm to being freaked out in a matter of seconds every time something disturbs her. She seems to be convinced the worse possible scenario will happen in every situation in which she feels uncomfortable. But at the same time, she always seems to struggle with it. It's like she's not sure how to respond to things happening around her. I wonder if she's this way only with us. Because let's face it, we are a pair of assholes, or if she struggles in general.
"Fuck!" Merle pushes his almost empty plate away and stands up, interrupting my train of thought. I look up to see him storming off to Lumen's room.
I'm on my feet instantly and try to get to him before he gets there, but the stupid table is in the way. "Merle!" But he's already bursting into her room.
"I am no fucking rapist! I didn't touch you save for helping you inside and get comfortable," he shouts as soon as the door is open. I catch up by the end of that sentence to see Lumen standing behind her bed, a startled expression on her face. I want to drag Merle away and settle this later but before I have a chance to say or do anything she's talking.
"Wha- I- I know!"
"You sure about that?"
She's just staring and there it is again that helpless, lost look. "I'm sorry."
I grab Merle's arm. "Come on, leave her alone." But he shrugs me off.
"No, I want to know what the problem she has with me is!" He moves around the bed to Lumen who's eyeing him but otherwise doesn't move. For a moment I consider to fight him on it but to be honest, I'm kinda curious myself what's up with all the mood swings. I watch him drag the chair near the bed, he then grabs Lumen's arms he pushes her down, sitting on said chair in front of her. I wander inside the room and lean on the desk.
He motions for her to speak. "Go on, tell me what's on your mind."
She seems to be really thinking it over before she speaks. She glances my way, clearing her throat she starts, "I know you didn't do anything to me, it's- it's just, I'm just- I know I'm here for what? Two weeks? Less? But I started to feel comfortable around you two so quickly it felt like we've known each other much longer than that. And today, after seeing Anthony I realized that I don't really know much about you- I have no idea what to really expect. I was thinking about it on our way here and decided to let it go. But then listening to your vivid explanation..." She turns her head to me. "I don't get it. What am I doing here? Why are you even helping me? It just seems to be too good for it to be that easy, and it starts to get quite clear that you don't go around helping people..." She trails off.
I sigh heavily. "Okay then, you wanna hear the truth?" I ask and I can see Merle's alarmed, questioning look while Lumen looks at me and gives me a nod.
"Alright, but don't get mad. You asked," I tell her pointedly. "The thing is when you came here the first day, I saw you in your car, I was watching you sitting there, looking like you wanted to leave, but you stayed in the end. Then when you saw me, you looked like you wanted to leave once again, but you stayed. You didn't seem to be all that comfortable around me but you took the deal. You just looked like you really didn't have many other options. Which turned out to be right, more or less." I take a deep breath and continue. "The truth is, I felt bad for you. The whole truth is, I was actually thinking about letting you stay just for the cooking and cleaning. To help you focus on school, to make it easier for you to make it through that nursing program of yours."
She turns scarlet red and drops her eyes again. I hear her whispering. "Oh God, this is so embarrassing."
I look to Merle who's been oddly quiet and see him staring at me, a strange look in his eyes. I'm about to ask him what he's looking at me like that for when I realize, that I actually meant what I said. I really wouldn't mind having her here, just for the cooking to help her out. I wouldn't mind her being here for nothing at all in return. I just feel okay with her around here. Where is all of this coming from? I don't know, and frankly, I don't care!
"Well, I for one-" Merle joins the conversation again, getting up. "-didn't know all that. I was being nice because I like you." He tries to move closer to her. I shove him away in the general direction of the door.
"Fuck off Merle, she told you she's not interested." He starts to laugh again. Putting his hands up he backs off and without another word, he leaves the room.
Lumen just stares after him so I grab her by her arm to get her attention. She looks back at me, her face still bright red. "I didn't say it for you to feel shitty about being here, or because I want you to be grateful. I just told you how it was. Now, you have this zen aura about you, I like it, so I honestly like having you here, okay?"
She nods and gives me a small "okay," while staring into my eyes.
I release her arm. "And if you'll ever get tight on money." She drops her eyes again. "Just say so, if it was up to me, you could stop paying the rent from now on, alright?"
She shakes her head to that. "No, I'd prefer to pay you."
It's Friday night and I find myself yet at another stupid student party at the quarry with Merle. I'm sitting on the bed of my truck, drinking beer while he's on a hunt for yet another drunken enough girl, saying he has to make use of this weekend because exams are in a few weeks and there will be no drunken girls for awhile. I find it hilarious how Merle struggles to keep in mind his own working schedule but he has mapped all holidays, school breaks and when all the exams are. The man really goes out of his way to get a cheap pussy.
For the last two weeks, I didn't see much of Lumen. Saying she's behind on her schedule, she's been studying every night, in her room, behind closed doors. Every day when I got home from work something to eat was ready for me but besides few brief encounters, no Lumen. I'm pretty sure she's hiding from me, from us. Maybe I shouldn't have told her about the 'no paying proposition' she looked embarrassed enough. In any case, I decided to give her some room and I spent last weekend in the woods, with Merle, hunting. There is not much I can do to help the situation. I just give her some time, I want her to be comfortable around me, but I'm starting to get frustrated by her constant absence. I want that calmness again.
I hop down from the bed, light a smoke and look around. I'm already bored and we haven't been here for more than an hour. Suddenly my eyes catch a familiar face. It's that Anthony guy, he talks animatedly with some other people. How does he manage to still look that smug with that broken face he's got is a mystery to me? He's on something for sure. That little shit, I wonder what happened between him and Lumen that made her just pack her things and run away from him. Maybe I could make him tell me before-.
An arm lands around my neck. "Not a good idea," Merle whispers in my ear.
"What?" I turn my head to look at him
"I know what you are thinking. Don't!"
"Please, even you would enjoy that one," I grunt quietly.
"That's not the point, Lumen lives with you, she lived with him, I heard him talking shit about her. Think Daryl! Cops will go straight to your house to ask questions."
I put down the smoke. "Whatever, I'm out of here." I just turn around and leave. I'm done with these stupid parties. I wanna go home, where it's quiet.
When I get to the house I don't see any lights. Maybe she's out. Maybe she's sleeping. I open the door and switch on the light by it. I am startled by a yelp, searching the source I am greeted with the sight I didn't expect, at all. Lumen is standing in the kitchen, in her underwear, her hair down, looking like she's freshly out of the shower. She has earphones on and it looks like she's been looking for a snack as the fridge is open. She's breathing heavily and hastily tears out the earphones.
"Oh God! You scared me to death! You are never home before dawn when you go out with your brother!" She then suddenly seems to realize how little clothes she has on and she jumps behind the door of the fridge. And I'm still staring, I can't stop staring. It's been awhile in so many ways and it's her! I can feel my pants getting tighter and as if on their own accord, my legs start to move. She's eyeing me as I'm getting closer and tries to lighten the mood.
"You know, it's getting kinda cold in here. Would you mind throwing a blanket my way, please?" She laughs nervously. I am at her side by that time. I pull her away from the thing by her arm and close the door.
"So, don't stand in the fridge half naked." I smile down at her as I feel the calm surrounding me. She, on the other hand, doesn't seem calm at all, her breathing is speeding up and she's staring at me, eyes big as plates. But she doesn't try to move away, she doesn't say anything either. I rest one hand on the cupboard behind her and move the other one on her arm in long caress from her elbow up over her shoulder to her neck. I whisper. "Don't hide from me anymore." I'm not sure I meant to say that aloud. What I am sure of is that I was talking about the last two weeks, but her eyes drop to her body, where her hands are trying to do the impossible task of hiding what's visible, which is an awful lot. I didn't even notice her doing it.
She looks back up to my eyes. "What are yo-" I don't let her finish. The hand resting on her neck goes higher and grabs her hair to keep her in place. My head drops and I'm kissing her before I even realize what I'm doing. It's like my body functions on autopilot. Usually, I don't even enjoy kissing. But I can't bring myself to stop now. It feels so good. I feel her hands move to my chest but she's not pushing me away. My other hand travels to her back and I push her closer to me. I let go of her hair, sliding down my fingers to close them around her throat briefly, feeling her pulse beating rapidly, I then continue down. I'm almost at her breasts when she starts to struggle. She breaks the kiss and starts to push at my chest, trying to make some space between us. I lean in going for her neck, I don't wanna stop.
"Daryl! Daryl wait!" Her voice sounds raspy.
"Hmmm?" I straighten up some to look at her. I feel like in a dream but I sober up a little from it at the slightly panicked look in her eyes. Still, I can't bring myself to let go of her.
"Daryl, what are you doing?" What kind of question is that? Isn't it obvious?
"I want you," I tell her the truth, making small circles on her back as I still hold her.
She's searching my eyes. "How do you want me? For tonight?"
"No, I want you to be mine. Not just for tonight."
She continues to look at me and then she slowly nods. Did she just agree? I lean in to kiss her again but she moves her head back. "Wait!"
"What, what is it?" Now I'm getting very mixed signals! But there is still no annoyance. The peace inside me is almost overwhelming. She brings her hand to my face and caresses me.
"I do like you back. I just- let's just take it slow, okay?"
Okay, I can do that. I give her a small smile. "Alright."
I'm early for the work. I tried to wake up with Lumen today. It was a bad idea and I'm definitely not doing it again, but now here I am, waiting in front of the shop for the boss to show up and open. I light a smoke and think about the last two days.
It turned out Lumen actually did have a lot of work for school to do so she was buried in books for the most of the time for the rest of the weekend. But this time her door stayed open and when she took a break she always came to find me. We didn't go much further than those kisses and we didn't really talk. We just spent the time together, mostly in silence. She would snuggle up to me, or just sit with me, depending on what I've been doing when she came to me. Still, I felt genuinely content. It's such a new experience, to feel content. To spend time with someone without the anger in the way.
My train of thought is cut off by newspaper being slammed on the table in front of me and Merle hissing. "Are you out of your mind? Why don't you ever listen to me!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
He points at the papers, pointing out one of the headlines. I look at it and see it's the section about missing persons. Is he checking out that part just to see who I might have killed? He won't know for sure anyway, what's the point? And why is he showing it to me in the first place? But then I see it. A picture of the little shit we've visited two weeks ago, Lumen's ex. And he's missing.
I look up. "Merle-!"
But he cuts me off. "-I told you it was a bad fucking idea!"
"Merle-"
But he doesn't even look at me. "- What the hell were you thinking? I know! You didn't think at all. It's not some random guy. It's Lumen's ex. What did I tell you?! She lived with him, and now she lives with you. This one will lead the cops right to you."
"Merle-"
"-You know, there's asking for trouble and there's fucking begging for it!"
I raise my voice to get his attention. "Merle!"
"What?!"
I glance at the papers. "It wasn't me!"
