Chapter: The Confusion of Loss: 5 of ?

Author: Sam

Series: A Deeper Magic

Last Chapter: Plans are made concerning a possible coup. Leona introduced. Randu introduced. Gyles introduced.

xxx

Closing deep brown eyes to block out the sight of the memories playing in the viewing tube, Azkadellia tried to relax. She wanted to recall something on her own, without the aid of security visuals, memory discs, or a nagging voice in her head. Shuddering at the last thought, she stood and smiled absently when Raw turned to face her, his face lined in apparent worry. Az shook her head once, smiled softly, and walked from the viewing room.

No one fell into step behind her as she softly walked the well ordered halls of the tower. The sensation felt strange. Ever since she'd been little, she'd had a bodyguard or advisor following almost every step. Ever since she'd been twelve, the witch and the mobats had been in her head. And ever since she'd been freed three weeks ago, she'd had DG or one of her parents in almost constant attendance. Now, for the first time since she had been . . . what? Four? Five? She was truly left alone. It felt terrifying and exhilarating.

A soft frown crossed the princess' lovely features: high cheekbones, pale unblemished skin, fine dark eyes. She had a mane of shining dark hair which she kept up in the tradition of the O.Z.: unavailable women, married or otherwise, kept their hair up or pulled back; those who were looking for a mate, a helpmeet, kept it free and flowing or used barrettes like a child to clear their eyes. Her little sister either deliberately flaunted O.Z. tradition or had no idea of the difference here. Briefly wondering if DG knew she daily advertised her availability, Az decided 'no'; the customs were probably different on the Other Side. Yet one more thing for Az to inform the headstrong DG about before the younger woman got herself into another mess.

Making her way to a hall balcony, over-looking the inner court and front gate, Az let her posture slip, leaning on the dark stone. She lifted her eyes to the horizon, unaware just what she looked for . . . until she saw a flash of silver in the midday sun. Straightening, her heart speeding up in anticipation, Az leaned over the balcony rail intent on the first view of the incoming soldier. Disappointment washed over her when she realized his hair was too dark, his body too heavy. The man she looked for was whipcord thin, strong and sure without being overbearing. His blond hair always seemed a bit disheveled and he wore his uniform with the pride and ease of a man born to it. Az slumped against the stone balustrade once more, closing her eyes, and fought the tears welling up.

She hadn't seen him for three weeks, when the witch had her send him to bring in DG and her party. There had been a brief message, from one of the junior Long Coats . . . something about catching the men in the Realm of the Unwanted. She'd been assured that he was on the way back with his prisoners. There had been no more communication and within two days the tower had been under siege. The men he'd captured were now here in the tower, trusted advisors to the queen . . . except the ex-Tin Man Cain who'd disappeared just after being cleared to travel despite his gunshot wound. Az felt her chest tighten, the air getting harder to breathe, and her hand fluttered to the base of her throat. She would have to face it: Zero had been killed.

While most people may have thought that would be a good thing, Zero had a sadistic twist to him when it came to protecting her or torturing enemies, Az couldn't handle the idea of losing the man. She'd known him for twenty-three annuals; he'd been her playmate and protector when she was little. During his Youth Army training, when he'd been replaced by the young man Randu, Zero had kept up a constant flow of letters, admonishing her to behave and stay out of trouble, promising her he'd return soon, informing her about the intense training he was going through. Through both of his failed marriages he'd been diligent and faithful to her, never once letting the messy affairs over-shadow his commitment to his princess. Even when she'd been possessed he was the only one to stand by her, the only one who believed in her. He couldn't be dead . . . not like that, not without warning, without the absolute knowing that had come when Zora had died. He couldn't just ride off to do a job and never return. It was too painful . . . too uncertain.

Az ignored the tears washing down her pale cheeks, leaning her head painfully into the corner of the balustrade. It wasn't fair that she had lost everything she'd loved and valued in this life only to get it all back except the man who'd been the most valuable, the most faithful . . . With a shudder, repressing her sobs, Az pushed away from the stone balcony.

She frowned severely, straightening her body to the point of near-pain, her hand leaving her throat to coast down to her abdomen. Az shook her head, as if refusing some inner voice. Zero had been a soldier and her bodyguard. He had been destined to die for her; she must accept that it had happened. Many men had died for her before; many men would die for her in the future, she didn't doubt. What could possibly make this one man more special than the others? His loyalty? She had many men loyal to her. Az whirled around, unaware that her body language, her expression, her entire air, were reminiscent of the days of her possession.

Stars, she couldn't even remember when she'd met the man.

Green . . . neon green . . . sunshine . . . water . . . Finaqua?

Confusion warred with recognition as vague images began to fill Az's head. Her hand flitted back up to her forehead and she slid down the wall behind her.

A boy with messy blond hair and changeable gray eyes . . .

She closed her eyes, trying to relax, trying to concentrate, trying to remember.

"You little monster! It'll never come out!" The boy in a royal brown and gold uniform whirled away from the little girl in the sunny yellow dress. His grey eyes snapped with thunder, his face contorted in wrathful anger. However, his vengeful image proved somehow comical due to the facts that his messy hair shone neon green and he carried a porcelain doll in a plain white dress.

"I'm sorry, Zero. Truly!" The child's voice whimpered softly, full of regret. She grabbed onto his larger hand with the pudgy fingers of a five annual old. "I was trying for the dolly, Zero."

He glared down at her, shaking her hand from his. "Azkadellia, you are a total menace! Unless you start paying attention to mother's lessons, you're going to get someone killed with that thing you call magic!" He gave her a final glare. "And my hair is green, you little brat!"

The princess sobbed, both hands flying to cover her mouth. She didn't look at her bodyguard, however, but at something behind him. "Oh, Zero, be quiet! She'll hear you!"

Angry, but not so far gone as to miss the horror in the little girl's voice, Zero clamped his mouth tightly shut, whirling around to face the threat. His mother, the magical tutor, strode quickly towards the pair, an ever-present frown drawing deep lines in her face. Out of the corner of his mouth, Zero whispered, "Don't say anything, Az. Let me handle it." He then stepped in front of the little girl, all traces of anger with her put aside.

Az trusted the thirteen annual old boy completely. He had saved her from the water and had been her daily companion ever since. He often played with her and would read and study while she also did lessons. He even remained for magic training, a class Azkadellia dreaded as her tutor was a cold-hearted woman who apparently hated children.

"What is going on, Zero?" The woman stopped in front of them with her hands on her hips, a long thin branch in one hand. Her expression was as thunderous as Zero's had been a moment before, but something about the woman revealed that she wouldn't be as easy to forgive or as gentle as he had been. "Your Royal Highness, have you been practicing or playing?" The menace in her voice vibrated through the summer air.

She couldn't help it. Az gripped Zero's uniform and ducked behind him, trying to hide from the wrath of her angry tutor. She couldn't understand how this could be Zero's mother; she was so . . . evil.

Zero's body stiffened under the girl's fingers but he didn't shake her off, didn't step away. Instead he said "Mother, it was my mistake. I . . . I distracted her when she did the color-change spell you taught her. I . . ." he looked at the doll in his hand then back to his irate mother. With a deep breath, he stood straighter. "I thought it'd be fun to distract her . . . see if she could do it that way."

Anger and something akin to triumph flared in the woman's eyes. She took her hands from her hips, raising the branch. "Princess, you need to learn when not to use your magic." She reached a thin, aged hand towards the cowering five annual old.

"No, Mother!" Zero pushed the woman's hand aside, pushing Az further back with his other hand. "She's just a little girl!"

The woman stiffened and pure hatred twisted her face. She drew out every word, dripping revulsion. "How . . . dare . . . you . . ." Lifting the branch once more, she brought it down with a stinging snap across her son's cheek, leaving a red welt in its wake. "The . . . trou . . . ble . . ." a stinging thrash of the makeshift whip coming down on the thirteen annual old's head, shoulders, and torso punctuated every syllable. He twisted under her angry barrage, not making a sound as she continued her rant. "I . . . went . . . through . . . to . . . get . . . you . . . The . . . risk . . . to . . . my . . . life . . . You . . . hor . . . ri . . . ble . . . freak . . . of . . . na . . . ture . . . I . . . should . . . have . . . killed . . . you . . . that . . . first . . . day . . . You . . . dare . . . raise . . . a . . . hand . . . to . . . me . . ."

Az stood, sobbing and trembling as Zero dropped to his hands and knees, twisting and shuddering under the painful onslaught. His mother never lessened her attack, and Az wondered if the tutor might actually kill her son. It was too much! She'd seen Zero beat before for something he failed to do that his mother expected, but this time he took her punishment. She couldn't stand by and watch. With a scream, the princess leapt forward, but fell as something pulled her foot out from under her. Confused, she looked up and saw Zero looking straight at her, his slate eyes intent and defiant.

"No . . ." he mouthed. He was right, of course. The woman had become so enraged she would have beat the little princess senseless if interrupted.

The beating she gave her son only lasted a couple more strokes before she stepped back, panting, arm trembling from her efforts. She straightened and nodded with a gesture of finality. "Let that be a lesson to you both. You will never raise another hand to me, Zero, or I will break your fingers one by one. You won't get far without hands. And, Your Royal Highness," she spat the words as if tasting poison "you will do well to remember what your actions have wrought. You may as well have held the whip today." With that, the woman spun around and strode off, her thick-soled shoes leaving indentations behind her as she headed to the palace.

"Oh, Zero!" Az rushed to her bodyguard and knelt by him, afraid to touch him, not knowing how to help. "I'm so sorry! I'll never do it again. I'll stop magic."

Zero's head came up so quickly he nearly smacked into her. "No! If you stop magic, she'll take me away." With a long, painful stretch, the boy uncurled himself from the ground. He stood carefully, his body a pattern of red stripes, some so deep they even bleed through the uniform jacket. "Look, Az, this is my job. To protect you. Even if I die doing it; it's what I love to do. Don't take it away from me." He hung his head and said softly "it's all I have."

Az nodded, still crying. "I promise, Zero." She reached out a small hand and hesitantly touched a part of his cheek miraculously uninjured. "I'll work extra hard. She scares me." Az dropped her hand and reached for his hand once more.

Squeezing her fingers gently, the boy nodded, green bangs flopping over his forehead. "Yeah, me, too" he whispered. A moment later, Zero turned back to her and shook off her hand. "Enough, Princess. I've got to find a way to fix this." He looked down at her one last time then turned and painfully, slowly walked off towards the main house, doll clutched, forgotten, in his hand.

Opening brown eyes, Az tried to stifle a sob at the horrible memory. Had she deliberately forgotten the pain she put him through? It had been the worst beating but not the only one. Zero had always taken her beatings from his mother . . . for six years he had suffered the pain that would have been inflicted on her. The princess knew now why it hurt so much to lose Zero: he wasn't just her bodyguard and trusted servant, the man who had stayed by her when all others had turned their backs. He was her friend. And she had never appreciated that until now.

Azkadellia buried her face in her arms and wept.

xxx

Continued in Chapter Six: A Storm is Coming