Lavender Brown
I was stuck in that disorientating state between sleeping and wakefulness. I refused to open my eyes and acknowledge the daylight. To do so would be to accept another day of affliction until I could find my way back to sleep, and as the moon waxed so did my insomnia. Even sleep was only a temporary refuge, however, as the dreams quickly destroyed any peace it brought.
Today, as I held my eyes tight, I could not shake the odd sensation of being watched. As my mind pulled further out of unconsciousness, my senses began to confirm my uneasiness. I heard breathing which was not my own, and I smelt a strange masculine body odor. He was close; too close.
As I prepared to pounce free of the bed and away from the intruder, I felt his presence beside me, and a hand slipped over my mouth. "Shh, Ms. Brown," A low voice whispered as I struggled. "I mean you no harm. Please be calm."
I recognized that voice immediately as it had been emblazoned into my memory years ago – Professor Snape. I pushed the hand away as I sat up. "Why are you here?" I spat angrily. How dare he?!
"How did it end?" There was a strange desperation behind the words as he blatantly ignored my question. He sat stiffly in the chair beside the bed with his eyes locked onto me as he awaited my response.
"How did what end, Professor?" My mind searched for meaning to his question as I felt my eyebrows knit together in confusion, but I found only more questions.
"The Battle, Foolish Girl; how did it end?" He looked uncharacteristically anxious with his elbows on his knees and his hands supporting his chin as he stared at me. He seemed unnaturally stiff and yet restless at that same time. It was unnerving to see, so I looked away. His insults did not help my sour mood, but I decided to humor his question.
"Oh…well, I am not sure exactly – only that everyone thought Harry had been killed only he wasn't really. Then Neville destroyed that dreadful snake, and Harry finished off You-Know-Who." I sighed. If only I had been there at the end instead of curled up in agony beneath the Astronomy Tower praying for death.
"So Potter lives," he hissed and then gave an amused sounding snort as he stood to pace near the chair. "Longbottom," he snorted again. "...I always knew he had it in him," he mumbled. "And Hogwarts?"
"Still there, but vastly different than before I hear." I chewed my bottom lip. Why did he care? He had brought about its downfall. "Without Dumbledore…"
I saw Snape' jaw clench as he drew back from me. "Things are not always as they seem, Ms. Brown," he mumbled cryptically as he sat again.
"Then explain what it is I have missed, Sir. Explain to me why my last year at Hogwarts was filled with lies and Unforgivables. Explain to me why half of my friends were forced to become renegades instead of graduates. Explain to me how killing Dumbledore and then replacing him is something other than what it seems. And while you are at it, explain why the hell you are in my room anyway!" I felt my muscles tense as my eyes narrowed. How much I longed to physically lash out at the man. He was just was much to blame for my predicament as anyone else. For now though, verbal sparring would have to do.
"I will not." He stood quickly and turned to leave with all the flourish I remembered from days passed. The movements were not as intimidating without the black flurry of fabric to emphasize them, but the message was still clear; he was done with me.
The old Lavender would have let him go. "How dare you!" I stood from the bed and raced him to the door, blocking his exit.
"Step aside," his voice was stern as his eyes locked on mine in challenge. I was caught off guard by the emptiness reflected in the glare. The contrast between his words and his eyes were night and day. I stifled a gasp as I glared back at him, refusing to back down.
He stepped back slowly with a sigh. "You have also changed Ms. Brown." He shook his head. "But such is the nature of war."
He had been inside my head. Did he have no regard for privacy? I watched as he moved back towards the chair.
"You are my first connection to the wizarding world since the Battle. I have wondered these questions for eight years." He sighed again. "But now that you have answered them, I suppose it is only fair that I address yours."
I stepped closer to him then as I carefully maintained my position between him and the door. Depression leached from him like bad cologne. It was so thick I could almost taste it. "So then, what don't I understand about Professor Dumbledore's death?"
"It was prearranged between us." Snape replied stoically as he stared out the window.
"You mean, he knew you planned to kill him? Allowed it even?" My voice was filled with disbelief.
"Yes," he replied in a strained tone that revealed much more than the word itself. I could tell he was replaying some memory in his mind as his gaze lost focus and glazed over.
"But, but…why?" I moved to sit on the side of the bed as I attempted to wrap my head around his words; spoken and unspoken. Suddenly, I was jealous of his Legilimens ability.
His dark eyes locked on mine as he pulled himself from his thoughts. "The entire reason requires a rather complicated and exhausting explanation," he droned as his fingers clenched the chair. "But the important part is that he was already dying. Nothing could be done to stop it and he wanted his death to accomplish something." He sighed yet again as if it was the only way he had left to express any sort of emotion.
I considered his words for a long time as we both sat in silence. It had to have been dark magic to have been able to break the Mighty Dumbledore. But considering his many enemies, that was very likely.
"Am I free to leave now, Ms. Brown?" He raised an eyebrow as he glanced at me.
I nodded. "Yes, of course… unless you wish to stay?" It was a relief to have someone to speak with whom actually believed me. Being among so many doubters was causing me to doubt myself.
He sat back into the chair silently as he pressed his fingertips together thoughtfully.
I glared at him. "Get out of my head," I growled.
"Impressive," he whispered mostly to himself. "For a Gryffindor…"
Severus Snape
I watched her. I had been inside her head; it was a mine field. Each thought threatened to set her off as she struggled desperately to maintain control. Every emotion and every sense was intensified to a level that made it overwhelming to me even in small doses. She felt more in each instant that I had felt since The Battle.
"Why are you here, Ms. Brown?"
"Because St. Mungo's failed me…" her words were like acid. "And I have no where else left…"
"St. Mungo's found nothing for you?" I raised an eyebrow. Then I cursed myself as my restless body forced me to pace again.
"Nothing." Her eyes followed my movements suspiciously.
Immediately my brain began to assemble a multitude of ingredients for a potion; aconite, powdered moonstone, hellebore, peppermint… my mind struggled through its drug-induced walls, but my thoughts flowed more freely today than any I could remember since arriving at this place.
"And the Wolfsbane had no affect on you?" I inquired as I returned to the chair. They must have tried that already as it was the obvious thing to do.
"None other than to make me violently ill." She shuddered visibly. "Nor did any of their attempted alterations of the potion." She sighed and looked down at her fingers seemingly lost in some memory.
I was not even tempted to enter her mind again even though I was curious to her thoughts. I did not have the clarity to navigate those rapids. I instead chose to observe her closely. I noticed her nails had been chewed down to the point of bleeding. Her scrubs hung loosely about her insignificant frame, and her hair was wild and choppy appearing as though she had cut it herself. Her skin was dull and sallow with sad gray eyes to match. A scar traced across her left cheekbone matching those I had seen along her collarbone during our last meeting. All in all, she was rather a pathetic sight, and strangely enough it stirred some sort of emotional response within me. Pity perhaps? I was not sure.
I struggled to remember what she had looked like before. I could not. I did not even know how I had recognized her before. She could not have appeared this way back then. I would have noticed a student like that; marked by suffering. Those types always stood out to me.
"There is nothing left for me..."
Her despair painfully echoed in my head. I stood then. I could not handle being near Ms. Brown any longer. I needed to get away. I longed for the mind fog to return. I needed it to return, but as long as I was in her presence I knew the fog would never come. "I must take my leave now. Thank you for time."
As I approached the door I heard her call after me not to go just yet. I stopped and glared at the her as my temper started to boil. "I find your presence unpleasant."
"Need I remind you that it was you that came to my room, Professor?" She stood from the bed.
"And I have gotten what I needed so now I leave. Is that so difficult to understand?" I snapped.
"Strange that you find me unpleasant – it is I that should find your presence difficult, don't you think?" She snapped back, suddenly standing beside me.
I pressed closer to the absurd woman, "You remind me of everything I wish to forget!" I shoved her against the wall with more force than was necessary and took the opportunity to leave without looking back. My head was spinning.
As I stormed through the halls to my own room, I allowed the anger to overtake me. It felt strangely comforting to know I was still capable of such emotion.
Lavender Brown
The next morning I awoke from another restless night again to the presence of Professor Snape beside my bed. I rolled my eyes as I sat up. "Get out," I hissed with all the hatred I could muster.
"I have come to apologize for my behavior yesterday," he stated with a true hint of sincerity.
"Sod off. I do not wish to be your reminder. Go back to your oblivion." I stood from bed and moved to stare out the window with my back poignantly turned to the former professor. My eyes automatically searched the horizon for the pale orb I sensed intuitively was gaining size.
"If only," he sighed.
There was a long silence that neither of us interrupted. I watched him from the corner of my eye anxiously. He had said more words to me in two mornings than during my entire time at Hogwart's. It was disconcerting to have a man I one time feared on a primitive level, like one does a snake or a bear, sitting in my bedroom apologizing to me. I still did not trust him, and I did not want to accept his apology.
"How can you stand it?" He questioned me finally.
Was that genuine interest in his tone? I turned to stare at him. "What do you mean?" I questioned back. I wondered why he was being so cryptic. It was as though he was forgetting to speak things aloud and expected me to know what was going on behind those empty eyes.
He tapped his temple twice and then knitted his long fingers in front of him. His eyes bore into me as he waited for a response.
"Oh…" I chewed on my lower lip, a nervous habit. "I can't…I don't…I… I haven't been this sober in six years to be honest." I stared down at my hands as I picked at the skin near my ragged nails. I had never spoken of my drinking aloud before. It sounded so vile. I was ashamed.
He simply nodded in response. Something told me he could relate.
"Why are you here, Professor?" I queried.
"I already stated that I mean to apologize. Do you enjoy making me repeat such words?" His eyes narrowed.
"No, I mean. Why are you here, at St. Dymphna's? Surely, you know you don't belong here any more than I do."
"I haven't the motivation to go elsewhere," he replied bluntly.
"You like being trapped here?"
"Why is it any of your concern?" He snapped.
"It isn't really, but I see myself headed down the same path and would prefer to avoid that.."
"At least the question was selfish. I would hate to think you actually felt any concern for my well being." He sneered sarcastically.
"I despise you. Why would your well being be any of my concern?" I rolled my eyes.
He snorted. "It was never my intention to survive... once I realized I did survive, I did not care enough to remedy it. Before I could gather myself enough to care, their Muggle mind poisons had taken effect, and I no longer believed I had anywhere else to go."
"So you are just going to spend the rest of your days here?" I quizzed as I watched him.
"I don't see why I should spend them anywhere else, or why you have any interest in the matter." His voice was flat.
"Once again, it was you that came to my room so leave if you do not wish for conversation. You are the only person I have spoken to in nearly a week who doesn't think I am insane. Forgive me for taking advantage of that." I sighed. At least this verbal sparing was keeping my anxiety in check. Still, I found myself tense.
"What makes you believe that I find you sane?" His lip twitched in a way that hinted at a smile and his eyes brightened for an instant before returning to their previous emptiness.
"Because you felt it necessary to apologize. No one apologizes to a mental case."
"Except perhaps another mental case..." He huffed in apparent amusement.
"Speaking of mental, am I to expect waking up to you every morning, Professor? Because I must be honest, it is not a pleasant thought. Thinking of you watching me sleep..." I shivered.
He chuckled lowly. "Perhaps, Ms. Brown. Or perhaps I will wait for you to awaken next time."
"So I should prepare myself for future visits?" I was not sure how I felt about the prospect. He made it quite clear already how he felt about my presence.
"Perhaps."
"Dammit, quit being so cryptic. Just tell me what you want with me," I demanded in frustration. I had enough of the games.
He stood. "Must I apologize a third time in order for you to understand the reason for my visit."
"Fine! You are forgiven. Now leave. Go find your self-torture elsewhere!" My temper was raising within. The inevitable emotional eruption was beginning and things would get messy soon.
"As you wish!" He stood up quickly and stormed from the room without another word.
A/N: I can only improve with your help. Please review. I promise to respond to every review personally. Thank you!
