Lavender Brown

My wounds burned icey- hot, begging for my attention a I pulled my knees into my chest and looked at the wall. Would these injuries be enough to end this if I let them go? How long would they fester before finally allowing me to succomb? Would it hurt? Who would tell my parents? Would they miss me? Would anyone miss me?

I felt Professor Snape's eyes upon my back. "Ms Brown. Please allow me to assess your wounds."

"I will not." I pulled my knees tighter to my chest.

"We do not have time for nonsense. The wounds will spread if you do not manage them properly." His hand grasped my shoulder.

I pulled away and sat up. "Do you think I am not aware of that, Professor?"

The door swung open and Lucius Malfoy stepped into the room. Handing a box and some towels to Snape, his stare moved over me. "You better be right about her. It is no small thing to go against a temper such as Greyback's."

"Lucius, you saw how she defended herself without a wand. You do want to waste such gifts on that animal."

"We shall see," Lucius replied before leaving the room again.

"I wish I could have done more than just singed the bastard's hair. I wish I had enough control to blow him to pieces," I mumbled.

"You are being ridiculous," Snape snapped. "Do you have any idea what it takes to actually kill someone, Ms. Brown? I guarantee you it is a lot more than overabundance of adrenaline and superhuman senses. It fractures your soul. I have seen it. I have lived it. That animal is not worth the price."

I swallowed. It was the most emotion I had seen from the wizard since we met at St Dymphna's, and I found myself wondering just how many deaths he had been responsible for and how much of his words were in reference to Professor Dumbledore's demise.

I nodded slowly as his dark eyes simmered.

"Now, may I please assess your wounds?"

I stared back at him, again considering how much more pain I could bear as I felt the my wounds pulsing.

"I will not ask again and there is nothing you can say to convince me to leave you to your fate."

"I still don't understand why you even care." I huffed as I pulled my shirt down over my shoulder to reveal the bite mark.

"That makes two of us," he mumbled as he his fingers probed my damaged flesh. "Is this the only one?"

I cringed as I nodded. "Yes. Is it enough to kill me?"

"Unlikely, but perhaps given several days to fester, the wounds or subsequent infection might be."

I swallowed. The intense throb seemed unbearable now. Even with my death wish to comfort me, I could not tolerate hours, much less days of this pain. Suddenly, I was grateful for Snape's stubborn refusal to leave me be, but I chose not to say it aloud.

He opened the box and removed the two bottles, dripping a splash for liquid from each onto the towel.

Before I could stop it, the scream escaped me as the towel touched my gaping flesh. My head filled with the memories of the same pain day in a day out at St Mungo's as the healers replaced my dressings several times daily.

I pulled away but Snape followed, crawling onto the bed until he had my back against the wall. I closed my eyes and gripped the blankets as he continued to force the towel onto my skin.

"Shhh, it will pass soon," he voice responded in an uncharacteristically calm tone from near my left ear. "These wounds are much smaller than before."

I bit my lip as I nodded. Had he been inside my head again, or did he just know that my mind continued to replay the moments from when even the mere smell of dittany use to cause me to wretch in anticipation of the pain?

As the pain subsided, my breathing slowed, and my muscles relaxed. As the professor pulled away the towel, I opened my eyes to realize I had at some point taken my hands from the blankets of the bed and twisted my fingers instead into the front of his robes, pulling him towards me.

His fingers again inspected my flesh as I felt my face burn. I pulled my fingers free from his robes. "Thank you, Sir."

He did not acknowledge my actions. "I think we are way beyond Sir and Professor, Ms Brown. Consider calling me Severus if you will."

"Only if you call me Lavender," I mumbled as I flushed again.

"Okay, Lavender. You should rest."

I don't remember falling asleep, but when I awoke, Severus lay in the chair next to the bed, his feet propped onto the mattress and his head unnaturally resting against the wall. I realized the twin bed in which I laid was the only mattress in the small room and a sense of guilt washed through me.

"Profes...I mean Severus." The name felt awkward to my tongue as I grasped his knee.

He stirred awake almost instantly and sat up eyes darting around the room. "What happened?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I was just going to offer you the bed from some rest.
He stretched his arms overhead. "I appreciate the gesture, Lavender, but I am fine. In fact, I think I will try to find us something to eat. You must be hungry."

"No. I never am during this part of the cycle…"

He stood. "I will bring you something anyway. You need nourishment to recover."

I sighed as he left. His insistence on my well-being rivalled that of my mother's.

Severus Snape

I stepped from the room to find Lucius ascending the stairs. "Ah, Severus. I hope the girl is well."

"She's fine," I hissed. "What are you playing with here Lucius?"

"What do you mean?" He smiled.

"I mean, this group; these children of former Death Eaters; Greyback; What are you trying to accomplish?"

"Revenge, Severus. What more is there?" His smile fell as he stepped into one of the other upper rooms and beckoned me to follow.

"It's over, Lucius." I pulled up my sleeve. "The Dark Marks have faded. The Dark Lord is gone for good this time. You are lucky not to be in Azkaban. Why not let it go?"

His face tightened as did he voice when he replied, "It's over for you maybe, but I'm still suffering with each passing day. Narcissa's left me, Draco's disowned me." His voice cracked as he paused to look away. "It's not over for me, nor for all those who have joined me. Draco brought them together after the final battle to try to help everyone accept what had come to pass and start to heal. All of them have suffered loss because of Dark Lord's defeat, and all of us blame Potter for that."

"Potter was just a pawn. It was Dumbledore all along, and he's gone. Surely you have figured that out by now."

"It doesn't matter. These kids need something, someone to hate. They need revenge. Draco saw that and that is why he left them and how I found them a few years back. We've been waiting for our opportunity and this seems to be the right moment. Finally everyone has agreed and the plan is in place. You and the girl can either help us, or stay out of our way, Severus."

"I beg you Friend, just let this go. Potter is not worth it. It's time to accept this and move on."

"I've got nothing else."

"If you believe that, no one can help you, but it is going to fail."

"Did your psychic girlfriend tell you that?" Lucius laughed.

"She doesn't have to. It is clear you don't have what it takes to succeed with such a plot. But excuse me now. I was heading to the kitchen. Good luck Lucius, but I hope you reconsider." I left him.

Proceeding to the kitchen, I filled a plate a with a sampling of cheeses, breads, and dried fruits I found there, before returning back to the bedroom.

I opened the door to find Lavender pulled into the corner of the bed against the wall, legs pulled into herself and face hidden as her shoulders shook with sobs.

Clearing my throat, I stepped into the room. She looked up at me and sighed, her eyes red with recent tears. I set down the plate and took a seat on the edge of the mattress.

"Tell me what you are going through, Lavender."

She sighed and glanced away.

"I want to understand." The words were mostly true, but really, I just did not want to have to delve into her thoughts again, and I sensed her despair was overwhelming her and feared she may act upon it as I knew she'd done in the past.

"Do you remember your first time, Profes - er - Severus?" She questioned toward the wall.

"First time doing what?"

"You know, your first time." She looked at me and raised her eyebrows.

"If you are referring to my first intimate experience, Lavender, of course I remember."

"Yes. Well, that is what it's like..." She bit her lip as the redness appeared on her cheeks.

"I fail to understand your cryptic comparison."

She sighed and shifted several times. "The day of the New Moon starts my monthly path with a strange anticipation that slowly builds and mixes with desperate desire and curiosity, but also an intense fear of something not quite understood." She shifted again as her hand moved to touch the injured flesh of her shoulder and then stroke the scars along her collarbone.

"Then comes the point of no return, the Full Moon, when the senses are on overdrive and nothing else matters but the moment and the intensity of it all." Her hands clenched towards her chest. "It hurts, and it thrills all at once and there is a sense of something great that never quite happens but almost like being on the edge of something awesome and incredible and you aren't sure if you should cry out in pleasure or pain so you just cry."

She took a breath. "And when the tears stop, there is a moment of contentment; the afterglow when all seems all right and good just for an instant until the next morning when you find out it wasn't for real. You were simply being used, and you will be cast aside soon enough. Then comes the anger and the overwhelming sense of loss; the painful knowledge that things will never be the same. Slowly, the anger dissolves and is replaced by despair and longing for what was lost."

She sighed again before continuing, "Finally... you just become numb! So fucking numb! So wonderfully, and intoxicatingly numb…"

Her eyes filled with tears as she looked away. "And then it all starts again...I am so exhausted by it all. I no longer want to continue this cycle. And I'm not sure I will survive another one."

I snorted. "A strangely appropriate metaphor." I found myself wondering who the bastard was that abused such a privilege as to be her first. Apparently things had not changed much since my day.

"Not entirely," she smiled softly and then her expression turned forlorn again. "At least sex got better back then."

"And now?"

"The closest thing to intimacy I've had in the last eight years was that moment before we apparated in the field." The flush rose into her cheeks again. "Not for lack of trying, trust me. The full moon fills me with nearly uncontrollable need at the peak of each month…"
"So what stops you?"

"At first it was my inability to trust anyone enough to get that close."

"And later?"

"Later, when I decided trust didn't matter, that all I needed was a good shag without strings, it turns out as soon as someone sees the scars, I have to explain myself and then there's not a chance in Hell anyone would touch me after that."

In just a few moments, I had went from sheer avoidance of her thoughts to extreme curiosity as to what she hid behind the red-rimmed grey eyes. Delving in seemed unavoidable, but when the wave of intense loneliness and utter despair crashed through me, I realized my mistake. Her memories were buried deep beneath the emotions and the either by choice or accident, she did not allow my further exploration.

I pulled away, suppressing a gasp.

"I told you. I'm begging for the numbness, but that's a few days away still." Her eyes welled with tears."

Inexplicably, I reached out a hand to touch the witch's cheek, perhaps an attempt to ease the echo of emptiness I still felt after diving into her thoughts, or perhaps a pathetic attempt to offer some sort of comfort. To my surprise, she did not pull away, but instead placed her hand over mine and closed her eyes. Pulling my hand down with a gentle squeeze, she whispered,"Thank you," before lying down on the bed next to me and closing her eyes.