Cara and Leo appear in the doorway - we didn't even bother to close the door when Leo left the last time, I realize. Uriah is close behind them with Caleb.
"We have it! We have it, Four!" Cara says breathlessly, while Leo crosses the room immediately to Darius's side. Uriah moves next to Christina, putting an arm around her and squeezing her shoulder.
"There's no time to add it into the serum," I tell Cara. "What does it say?"
"I don't know!" Cara exclaims, holding out a chip. "We didn't take the time to watch it - we just brought it here!"
I look at it thoughtfully, as I load the serum into two syringes. "Okay," I say, making a decision to trust Tris's hunch. "Go ahead and load it on the mainframe, and once I'm in, play it. Play it on every screen and every computer in the city."
"Are you sure?" Cara asks doubtfully.
"Tris is sure," I say. "And that will have to be good enough."
I stride over to the metal table with the syringes, but Christina puts a hand on my arm.
"No," she says, quietly but firmly. She takes my other arm and turns me to look at her. "No, Four. I just questioned that test sequence she had to go through to get into Jeanine's lab. In the simulation. And she got confused. All the scans spiked."
I try to pull away from her.
"Tobias," she says, holding me so hard her fingertips are leaving bruises. "It really isn't about you. If you inject her with that, you will be trying to take control, trying to make her do something. Even if it works, which I doubt, you won't be any different from that guy on the screen, and I know you didn't like what you saw."
I look away from her, at the two syringes in my hand. The room has gone quiet, except for Cara's tapping keys. On screen, Uriah starts shouting at an Erudite doctor, who shrinks from him, "Fix her! You can fix her, so do it!"
Lynn is lying on the ground, clutching her hands to her belly, blood welling through her fingers. Uriah argues with the doctor, who tells him there's nothing she can do, that she cannot fix Lynn. They've destroyed all the medical equipment, and there's nothing left that can help her.
"Uri," Lynn rasps from the floor, "shut up. It's too late."
I drop the syringes, and they shatter against the floor. I move to Tris's side, and she is the only thing I can see, the only one I can think about. I lean over and kiss her on the lips and stroke her hair. I'm not sure what to say.
"Remember, Four, don't worry about making sense right away," says Cara, who has silently moved to my side. "You know what you need to say - just start talking." I know that the others have grouped around me, too, and much to my surprise, it does not annoy me or constrain me to be surrounded by other people. By these people. It makes me feel stronger and more sure.
"Tris," I start, "I am so afraid, and you are so brave. I know I only have four fears, but they all add up to the same thing, and I can't beat it. It's the fear that masters me." I close my eyes for a moment, and then plunge on.
"Remember when I went back into my fear landscape that last time? Do you know what I saw? When Marcus came to beat me, I took the belt, like you did that time. I beat him, but when he looked up, he had my face. I became my father."
I lick my lips, which are dry and cracked.
"I don't know what it's like to be loved," I say hoarsely. "I have no idea how it would feel to have parents who loved me enough to take care of me, let alone die for me. I only know what it's like to be hurt and abandoned."
"That's not something you get past. Not quickly. Maybe not ever. And my greatest fear..."
My voice falters, and it's Leo's hand on my shoulder that steadies me.
"My greatest fear is that it's not good enough that I love you and you love me back. That I will hurt you somehow, like I just did in your dreams."
I pause again, hearing only the steady thrum of Tris's heartbeat over the buzz of the machines.
"I get it now," I whisper. "I understand. I can't control you. I can't keep trying to bend your will to mine. Not just because it's your greatest fear, but because it's also mine. I am afraid that if you let me control you, it will be the first step. Someday, when you won't do what I want you to, I will say something cruel. The next step."
The words are dragging out of me, as if each one is cutting my throat on the way up.
"And the next time you won't do what I say, I will hit you."
My hand is clammy against her forehead.
"And then I really will be my father."
I clear my throat and kiss her again on the forehead, my lips lingering against her cold skin.
"So..." I resume slowly, not sure what comes next, and then suddenly, I do. I know what I have to say. "So, if you love me, if you want us to be together - and believe me, it's what I want, more than I have ever wanted anything else - if you want to be with your friends, who are here in this room with me, if you really want to honor your parents," I pause, "and kick your brother's ass... If you want to live..."
"You need to save yourself. I do trust you and I do know who you are. You are the strongest person I know, far stronger than you think you are. And it's up to you to decide how this ends."
