DISCLAIMER: I do not own Oregairu. I only own a damaged brain. I just insulted myself, didn't I... Oh... and also, this is supposed to be OOC.

Okaaay... This is the last one folks... Hope you enjoy it.

WARNING: This entire fic is a joke. Do not take this seriously!


"Thank you, Hacchan." Hayama said with a flashy grin as he walked behind me. Following me for no known reason.

"Huh? Why?" What is this guy talking about…?

"I know what you did there…" He said with another flashy grin.

"What are you talking about?"

"…There were other ways to teach those kids a lesson but you chose the most selfless way. It was because of the girls wasn't it?"

T-This little…

"Aren't you thinking a little too much, Hayama? I only wanted to poke fun a little. That's all there is to it." I said as I started to walk away.

"I really like that side of you, Hacchan."

"Huh!? Why the heck are you confessing all of a sudden? And people say I'm the creepy one." I mocked

"W-Wha-What!? I-I'm not confessing!" Hayama shouted while throwing his hands frantically in the air.

"Why the hell are you sluttering you masochistic pig!?"

"I-I'm n-not sluttering!"

"At least say that without sluttering!"


I somehow managed to ditch Hayama and now am walking towards my apartment, alone. I was about to step inside but a sudden ringing sound on my phone stopped me. I pulled my cell phone out to find an unknown number calling me. I picked up the incoming call and… Oi do I need to explain everything now?

"You've got Hikigaya Hachiman." I said upon picking up.

"…." Nothing came from the other side of the line.

"Hello?"

"…."

"Hello….?"

"…."

"Hello from the other side…?" I sang but nothing came yet again.

I hung up to find an anonymous picture message notification displayed on my phone. It was a picture of me holding a pink ladies underwear in front of an open locker.

W-What the…

'Look behind you' The anonymous person sent me a text.

I turned my head around to find a feminine figure standing right in front of me. Her long blonde hair flew through the wind. Her sharp olive eyes glared at my dark gray ones. Her lips stretched into a devilish smirk.

"Kya Ha ha ha~! Looks like someone's in trou-" She let out a classic devilish laugh

"Moshi Moshi… 110? There's a blonde girl stalking m- UfF!"

"HEY! DON'T CALL THE POLICE! AND THAT JOKE'S OVERUSED!" She shouted as she threw her shoe at me.

"Who are you and why do you have my number?"

"I would tell you if you would actually let me without interrupting." She said

"Talk then…" I said.

"Hmfh… Where was I…?" She hmp'ed

"(-_-)"

"(o_o)"

"(o_o)"

"(-_-)"

"Where was I again…?" She asked while I stared at her with a blank look.

"Are You Kidding Me!?"

"O-Oh... I got it. Chill out creep. I got it." She said

"So… What do you want?" I asked while keeping my distance.

"Hoh… Straight to the point? You're not gonna ask how I got the picture? You know what, I like that." She mocked. Wait a second… She's the blonde I ran into yesterday. The one that is always with Hayama.

"Well… you probably got my number from Hayama. And you definitely want something in return."

"Hmm… I thought you would be the dumb type. Anyways, the reason I am doing this is because I want you… TO EXPRESS YOURSELF!" She shouted the last part.

"E-Express…? myself? C-Could it be…? SEXUAL HARASSMENT! SOMEONE HELP ME! SEXUAL HARASSMENT!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

"W-Wha! STOP! I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO GET NAKED YOU CREEP!"

"H-Huh…"

"What I'm asking is… Be my SLAVE!" She shouted yet again.

"SEXUAL HARASSMENT! SEXUAL HARASSMENT!"

"Will You Man Up Already!" She screamed

"Anyways, show that to whoever you want. I don't care. I'm already the most hated man in school." I said as I turned away.

"W-Wha! W-Wait!"

"YAAHOOO~!" "AHHN~! Gimme more! More~!" My eyes widened as those voices made their way to my ears.

"Y-You Bitc-"

"Kya Ha Ha Ha Ha~! Looks like I got your attention now." She laughed like a maniac straight out of an 60's movie.

"You do realize who you're threatening, right?" I asked in a menacing tone.

"Hoh? Of course, I do. That's why I wonder… What would happen if this were to get… You know… Public. Not to mention, they were kids. You're probably gonna get a straight ticket to Jail. Kya Ha Ha Ha Ha~!" That laugh's getting really irritating now.

"Just what do you really want, woman?"

"Ahem... I may have come out as a lunatic before. But I've got the words in mind now. Now, what I really want… is for you to Express Your Feelings! Freely!" She shouted the last part as she did some inspiring pose.

"Express my feelings…?"

"Hai! The feeling to be dominated! The feeling to be ravaged by three Men! Ga-He-He… Gahehe~! But worry not! I will help you express that side of you!" She shouted as her fist curved into a ball of determination. I have a feeling I know where this is going…

"…"

"…"

"No, You just want to use me to get closer to Hayama, don't you?" I said with a deadpanned look on my face.

"WgA-Agh! O-Of-Of c-course n-not! I just wanna h-help you that's all!" S-So Obvious...

"A-Anyways! Meet m-me after school tomorrow! I-If you don't come I'll whip you!" She said as she started running away.

"As if I'd let you do that!"

Th-This chick screams trouble.


I entered the apartment only to find all the lights turned off. Haruno should be home by now, though.

I was going to enter my room but instead, I stopped on my tracks, after registering light coming out of Haruno's room. The door was slightly opened, letting the light escape the room. I could by now, smell the subtle hints of perfume, the one that Haruno usually wears.

For some obvious reasons… I have very bad feeling about this…

"Haruno… You in there?" I tried calling her, but no answers came back.

"U-Uh… Haruno…?" I tried again, but this time… instead of answers, some stifled sounds came back.

"Okay… I'm coming in. A-And you better not be naked, waiting for me to come in on you like last time!" I pushed the door open.

A view of Haruno squirming around on her bed with my shirt in her grasp, came into my sight. There also seemed to be a body pillow which… very much… resembled me. I could feel my eyebrows twitch as she was chanting my name rather… lewdly…

S-She's doing this on purpose, isn't she?

"H-Hachi-kun~ Wh-Why aren't you home yet~?" I could hear her mumble.

"No, I'm already ho-" I tried to call out to her but was cut off.

"Maybe I should tie him down the next time he comes in. Maybe I'll then *BEEEEEP* *The following words are way too graphic to be shown on a fic that is rated T* him… Guhe… GUheehe… Guhehe-EH!? Ha-Ha-Hachi-kun!?" Haruno finally noticed my terrified stare.

.

.

A very awkward moment of silence passed as I just stared at her with shock running through my veins.

.

.

"A-Ah…Uh… W-Why don't you come inside, Hachi-kun?"

"AW HELL NAW!" I shouted as I started running for my life.

"EHHH!? HACHIIII-KUUUN!"


Today sure is a blissful day. After all, Haruno had to leave early. I guess even Haruno can't disobey mother's orders. I should be sad for her but I just can't help but be glad.

Today, I can be myself. I can do my deed without having to worry about Haruno peeking on me. I can play with vita-chan without Haruno intervening. I can sleep the whole day without Haruno clinging to me. I could do my laundry, without Haruno stealing my underwear. I can…

At that moment... I realized how miserable my life really is…

At that moment, I also realized that a certain blonde girl was staring at me from behind…

I turned my head around as slowly as I possibly could. Only turning enough to get a glimpse of what's behind me. My eyes fell on the blonde girl as her eyes darted back at mine. Soon, a sadistic grin made it's way onto her face, scaring the jackshiz out of me.

I turned my head forward, towards the teacher, ignoring whatever that I just witnessed.

Class ended like it almost did, club events also ended like it always did. Boring, uneventful, Yukinoshita shouting 'Flat is Justice'. And Yuigahama... Being Yuigahama.

I was going to make my way towards where I live but then I spotted a familiar blueish hair. Long blueish hair tied in a pony tail to be exact.

Isn't that… Kawa… Kawu…? Kaka…? Keka…? No… Pretty sure it started with Kawa… Anyways, lets just ignore her and get home. On second look, something feels really off about her though.

I was about to get past her but unfortunately, we made eye contact.

Shit.

"Yo." I tried my best to greet her.

"Y-Yeah… Yo." Oi!? What was that woman!? That was even lamer than mine!

"Club, huh?" She asked. Her hands gripping the handle of the bicycle that she was carrying. Or more like pushing.

"Y-Yeah. What about you?" What got you so late?

"I'm… Going to pick my brother up. He's in a club, so I thought I would wait around for him to finish up." She said.

SEE!? Haruno learn something from this woman! If you wanna be a brocon! Be one like her! Atleast she has Dignity! But still, something seriously feels off about her though.

"Oi! I heard that!"

"Heh!? Was I talking out loud!? But that was a compliment, though…"

"Like hell that was a complimen-UgH!" She screamed but suddenly tripped due to the bike's front tire colliding with a rather large pebble.

She fell boobs first to the ground with her butt in the air, facing me. In what laws of physics, can this be explained?

But then I got a glimpse of heaven itself…

WOAAH!

Black!

"Nothing feels off anymore! Arigatou~ Kawasomethin-GAuGH!" I said with a bow but was hit by a flying shoe midway.


I rubbed the side of my face that was hit by Kawasomething's shoe. It hurts but it was definitely worth it. I could see the entrance to my apartment building here. I jumped towards the corner, hiding myself from anyone who could've been in front of the building.

Let's just hope, neither of the blondes are here.

I tried to peek my head through the curves of the wall but the only thing I could see was two green orbs glaring right at me.

"GyAAAh! What The Hell Woman!?"

"Looking for someone?" Miura asked, her hands on her hips.

A-As expected… Y-Yumiko Miura is a dangerous woman.

"Y-Yeah… I was looking for you, of course." I said, a wryly smile on my face.

"Is that so? Then mission accomplished. Let's go." She said as she turned around and faced the direction to my apartment.

"Heh!? Where?"

"Your house."

"What? Why!?"

A big bulky bag was thrown at me. I caught it but the weight of the bag made me crouch on the ground for a second. What the heck is even in this bag!?


"Oye, Oye! Why are we here again?" I asked, while standing inside my apartment. Miura stood in front of me.

"No questions."

"A-Ah okay… eh WAIT! It's my damn house, woman."

"Hoh…? Remember the video?" T-This bitch…

"Y-Yes. The house is yours. A-All yours."

"I don't want your house. I want… Your everything!"

"Someone call 110! Sexual harassment! Sexual Harassm-Ughfg!!" A punch flew at my direction.

"STOP IT! How Many Times Are You Gonna Use That Joke!?" She shouted

"Ugh… Did you really have to hit m-" Oi! What's with that evil smirk on your face!?

Miura stared at me with her hand rubbing the fist she punched me with. Her face covered in red. A lusty smirk formed on her face. Shallow breaths that could be heard from over here.

Shit.

I F-Forgot That She's a Hardcore Sadist!

"H-Hey, can I hit you again?" She said while squirming and looking down at me.

"HELL NO!" Her smile dropped as soon as I said that. A menacing stare replaced the blush on her face.

Shit…

"Hey, Let me Hit You." She said.

"N-No Way! Oh~ look, it's your sister at the door." I said as I pointed behind her.

"Huh…? Oh, ah~! Kotomi-cha-HEH! WAIT! I DON'T HAVE A SISTER!"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, HACHIMAN!" I sprinted away from the place with all the power in my body, only to be stopped by a big bulky bag.

*THUMP* *THUD* My back collided with the bag that was thrown at me, resulting in me dropping to the floor with a loud thudding noise. I could feel the bag getting ripped apart as soon as it touched me.

A lot of loud noises could be heard as the stuff that the bag contained fell right beside me.

Ignoring the pain my back was experiencing, I turned my body around to look at the things beside me.

Heh!? W-what is tha-

A DILDO!?

A DOUBLE ENDED DILDO!?

A THREE-WAY DILDO!? IS THAT EVEN LEGAL!?

A FOUR Wa- oh wait… that's just a picture of Hayama.

I felt another weight dropping on me.

*GUAGhG!* I let out a painful scream as Miura jumped on top of me. Wrapping her hands around me, giving me a bone crushing bear-hug. Making me unable to move any further.

"Hurts! Hurts! Hurts! Hurts!" I grunte-

Wait…

Wh-What is this soft feeling on top of my chest? It's… It's her… M-Melons!

At That Moment, What Went Through Hachiman's Head:

Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner! Don't get a boner!

"O-Oi! Get Off Me!" I shouted

"N-No way!" She shouted

"S-Something Bad Is Gonna Happen! Something Seriously Bad Is Gonna Happen, Woman!"

"S-Shut Up And Stay Still!" She said as she tightened her grasp on me.

I could then feel her face getting closer to mine. I could smell the sweet aroma that came from her. Her glistening lips moving closer and closer.

*GRAuGH* I let out another painful scream as I felt her lips pressed against my left ear and her teeth about to tear off my ear any moment now.

I F-Forgot That She's A Hardcore Sadist!

"O-Oi! I-It's Hurts! I-It H-Hurts!"

"NNNGH!" She put more pressure into it and also covering any distance that could have been between us.

I-I HAVE TO STOP HER! B-But! But! H-Her boobs… They Feel G-Goood!

*SLIDE* Suddenly the door was slid open by an unknown figure.

"Hakkun~ I thought you were lonely, so I came b-" Appeared Shiromeguri Meguri Senpai. Who unfortunately came at the worst possible moment.

Her eyes that almost seemed to be bulging out any moment now, stared directly at mine and Miura's current situation. And by current situation, I meant… Me on the floor with Miura on top of me with her lips pressed against my reddened ear.

"H-Hakkun…?" Senpai's cheeks reddened and so did her eyes.

List of potential excuses:

1. There was a bug inside my ear. She was trying to lick it out.

2. Yo~ Senpai. Wanna join us?

3. She was checking if my ear was working or not.

4. She said I'd level up if l let her bite my ear.

"U-Uh… There was a bug inside my ear and she was trying to lick it out." And I go with number 1.

"I… I-I'm S-Sorry!"

*SHUT* The door was shut closed as Senpai ran away from the scene leaving me and Miura dumbfounded.

Shit.

"You! GET UP!" I shouted at Miura.

"Eh? U-Uh... Okay."

"Go home and never come back!"

"O-Okay... Wait, why should I listen to you!? Don't forget the video!"

"Hoh... You seriously think you're gonna live if you post that anywhere." Please don't call my bluff.


I couldn't help but run after her, leaving Miura behind, asking her to leave for now. Surprisingly enough, she didn't object. If only she had done that sooner.

"Uh… Senpai?" I said. Standing in front of a couch. And behind the couch, hid a greyish haired Senpai with double braids. S-So obvious…

"N-Not here." She said

"Oye, just because you're denying it, doesn't mean you aren't actually there."

Senpai stood up. Her reddened eyes staring at mine. Her hands clenching the hem of her shirt. Biting her lips, she stepped towards me…

H-Hooah… That's one K-Kawaii face…

"Ha-Hakkun… Who was that?" She asked

"H-Huh…? Uh… Y-Yeah… She's a… Friend…?"

"Hakkun has friends!?"

"Oye, why do you look so shocked!?"

"But, I thought I was your only one…?" Oye!? What's With The Cute Face!?

"You are though! You seriously are!"

"B-But… But…"

"Senpai… were you crying?" I deadpanned

"Eh!? N-No! Of course not! I'm an a-adult! Adults don't cry!" She said while rubbing her eyes.

"Hooh… But you totally were though."

"H-Hakku-AnGH!" The carpet slipped.

Before I could even register anything, I could see her body flying towards me. Crushing me, any moment from now-GAAGH!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? How Did You Even Manage To Trip, Woman!? This Is The Deed Of The RomCom Gods, I Tell You! Curse You! RomCom God-GAgah!

"H-Hauu~!" Senpai lifted her head up and rubbed her nose.

"NNgNGH!" I let out whatever that I could. I could feel something soft being pressed against my face.

"H-Hakkun…?" I have a feeling something bad is going to happen.

*Squish*

"Nnngh~!" This time, Senpai let out a moan.

*Squish*

"Nnngh~! H-Hakkun… don't."

"KYAAAAH!"I let out a girlish scream as I used my hands to lift her off of my face and letting my face feel freedom.

I then felt a finger being pressed against my cheek. A pouting Senpai, now looking down at me.

"You shouldn't do that, Hakkun~! We should at least wait until marriage!" She said, her fists curved into a ball of determination.

"Where is this coming from and how did you even get in here!?"

"O-Oh… Ah… Haru–Senapai let me in." She answered

"Oh… Wait WHAT!?"

*SLIDE*

"Hachi-kuuun~! I came back for yo-" Haruno appeared with a wide smile which vanished as soon as her eyes landed on me and Senpai. Or on the situation that would normally be misinterpreted wayyy too wrongly.

Are You *BEEP* Kidding Me!?

.

.

An awkward silence passed as we all looked at each other for a second.

.

.

"Uh… I can expla-" and before I could even finish…

"Please, excuse my rudeness. I will be taking my leave now." Haruno bowed and…

*SHUT* Shut the door close.

Sh-She's Mad… S-She's definitely mad!

"A-Ah… H-Hakkun… I think you should go after her." I t-think running would be a better option now…


I stepped towards the angered woman, as slowly as I could. Her eyes staring off into space as her hands were on the railings. Noticing from behind, she doesn't look that mad…

"H-Haha… The weather sure seems nice today ." I faked a laugh.

"Indeed, nice enough to grope someone."

Stab

"A childhood friend no less."

Stab

"One with greyish braids to be exact."

Stab

"Ugh!" I fell to the floor while clenching my chest, due to her cold words piercing right through it.

C-Cold woman! Cold! What are you!? Yukinoshita's sister!?

"Haruno… I can explain."

"Explain With Your Actions! Not Via Your Petty Words!"

"H-HUH!? What do you want me to do?"

"*BEEP* my *BEEP* while *BEEP* me in a *BEEP* position!"

"LIKE HELL I'D DO THAT!"

"Then Get Lost!"

"F-Fine Then!"

"Okay Then-EHH!? H-HACHi-Kun! You're actually leaving!?"

Chance!

"You don't even believe me, why should I stay?" I said as I tried to go away. Acting as angry as I possibly could.

"B-But I believe you! I believe You! I just Thought It would be a good chance to get something from yo-Wait… You Sly Little *BEEP*!" She gave me a dead look as she figured me out.

"Hehe… I learned it from the best afte-UNmnM!" I tried to say but was shut off by her lips.

I felt her hands suddenly make their way towards my chest and pushed me down to the floor. She was on top of me and I was under her. Her hands made their way again towards my collar, gripping it and bringing my face even closer.

I could feel her tongue brushing against my lips. I don't know why but a sudden urge took me over. I parted my lips, only to grant her entrance. The tip of her tongue touched mine, sending tingles down my spine.

She pulled back a few seconds later, a thin line of saliva still visible between us. Her face seemed as if it was colored red. All the while I just stared at her with a blank look.

"I-I don't know what Meguri is to you, Hachi-kun. B-But I'm glad I was at least able to take your f-first k-kiss." She said, followed by a sly smile.

"H-Huh… Oh… Y-Yeaahh… T-That wasn't really my first one." I said, still staring at her blankly.

.

.

.

At that moment… I realized that I had just fucked up.

.

.

.

"Hachi-kun…" A very sinister voice came.

"H-Hai…!?"

"GIVE ME YOUR VIRGINITY!"

"NO FUCKING WAY!"

*SLIDE* The door again slid open, revealing a man with short blonde hair. His eyes fixated on me and Haruno. Especially on the position we were in.

"H-Hacchan… H-Haruno…?" He mumbled.

"…"

"…"

Me and Haruno both exchanged glances at each other.

"Let's just ignore him, Hachi-kun."

"Yeah… let's do that."

"HUH!? WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS LEFT OUT!?" Hayama shouted.

"Where were we again?" Haruno asked

"Uh… Virginities?"

"YES! HACHI-KUN! GIVE ME YOUR *BEEP*"

"LIKE HELL I WILL!"


Phew... I'm gonna pull the brakes right here guys. Seriously... I had fun writing this, but this is as further as it goes. Things are getting very repetative and with just a little time, would surely get extremely boring. This never had a plot and is mostly filled with drabbles. So, even if it had fifteen chapters, it still wouldn't have gotten a proper ending.

Thanks a lot for sticking to this story, guys! It was a good ride for me. And dont forget to leave a review~

Remember, A minute of your time can make hours of mine seem worth it. DAMN IT! I CAME UP WITH THAT LINE. First time in my life, I feel so creative!

That's all for now... Maybe I'll come back in a few years, to add a few more chapters to it ;) Until then...

Sayonara~