Lavender Brown

An unfamiliar room greeted me as I awoke to the pain of my pounding head. I glanced around struggling through the fog of my memory. I remembered nothing after Parvati left me at the Leaky. We'd been to lunch and did some shopping together on Diagon Alley and I offered to buy her a drink before we parted ways.

I meant to stop at one, but the burn of the drink settled my frazzled nerves so I took another, and another, and I don't remember how many more. The last thing I remember is Parvati telling me I should go home and me insisting home no longer existed for me. She offered her spare room in her flat, but I declined and she left, shaking her head and urging me to quit for the night and get some rest.

As I looked down and realized I was tucked into a large four-poster antique looking bed with dark grey linens and blankets. I buried my nose into the sheets and sensed only the scent of fresh cleaned laundry and my own intoxicated odor. I bit my lip. I must have went home with someone last night. As I sat up, I looked down to find I was still in the dress I'd borrowed from Parvati yesterday. I'd refused to go home to get any of my own things because I knew my parents would be waiting there.

I flopped back down on the bed trying to remember how I'd gotten here. My wand sat on the bedside table. I reached for it with a sigh.

The door to the bedroom creaked open and Severus stood in the threshold holding a plate. He wore his usual black attire, but had lost the robes and now stood in black trousers and a high collared black sweater. They hung a bit looser on him now and his hair seemed freshly cleansed and possibly even combed tucked back behind his ears, somehow making him less intimidating because of it. He certainly did not have to look of a man who had just been laid, but why else would I be here in his bed?

I groaned. I needed to get a grip. Of course nothing happened. I was still in my clothes from the night before and there was no way I was in any condition to redress myself even if I had wanted to.

"I know you requested pancakes, but considering the hangover I imagine you have, I thought toast might be a better place to start." He set the tray on the bedside table.

I sat up. Did I really ask Professor Snape to cook me breakfast? "You took me home from the pub last night?"

"Yes." He crossed his arms and studied me.

"I remember nothing."

"I don't imagine you do. You were in quite a state."

"Ugh. And I asked for pancakes?" I groaned as a wave of nausea washed over me.

"Yes." His lips twitched into a brief half smile. He reached into robes and pulled out a yellow glass bottle. "This may help." He unstoppered it and offered it to me.

I wanted to refuse his help but the room spinning around my head insisted otherwise. "What is it?"

"Finis infirmum. For the bottle ache"

I took the bottle and sniffed it. "Thanks." I tipped it back and was greeted with a strong taste of ginger and a burn down my throat. "That is almost worse than the hangover." I fell back on the bed.

He snorted and shook his head.

"I...um...we… well didn't… you know." My face burned hot. Could I have shagged Severus and have no memory of it?

"No. I did not join you."

"...Oh." I wanted to feel relief but my heart sank. I cleared my throat and sat up again.

He raised an eyebrow. "You are… disappointed?"

"No. Not that exactly." I felt warmth building in my eyes.

His tight features relaxed a bit as he approached the bed to sit on the edge. "I am trying to stay out of your head, but you are making it difficult."

I shook my head, running my fingers through my hair as the tears fell. "Damnit. I said I was done crying."

Silently, he reached an arm out and pulled me into his side.

I sniffled. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so pathetic."

"You do not need to apologise to me. I am suppose to be apologising to you. I already failed with the pancakes but hopefully the apology will be successful."

I took a deep breath as I placed my head against his shoulder. "I would not regret if had you joined me last night. Only that I would have no memory of it."

"You must still be intoxicated."

"No. I am more than sober." I swallowed down the building dryness in my throat. "I offered myself to you, though, didn't I?"

"Yes." He said as his body tensed.

"And you rejected me?" I also tensed holding back more tears.

He cleared his throat as his arm released me. He turned to look at me, his eyes narrow. "It was not rejection. I could hardly allow such things considering the circumstances."

I nodded. I took another deep breath. "And now?" I reached for his knee.

He scoffed. "Eat your toast, Lavender." He stood and pushed the plate toward me.

"I'm being serious."

"I know, and I am not sure what is more concerning. Your proposition last night, or your overtures now."

I laughed. "Wow. I mean I usually at least get to second base before feeling so judged." I threw back the linens and pushed away the plate before standing.

Snape closed his eyes as he rubbed his temple. "Lavender, please. Be reasonable."

I too scoffed. "You aren't my teacher any more so stop treating me like one of your students."

Severus Snape

I gritted my teeth avoiding the thoughts she practically shoved at me as she stared wide-eyed, mouth drawn tight. "That is not my intent."

"What then? Do you too find me too repulsive?" She pulled at the collar of her dress to reveal the scars across her collarbone.

"Bloody Fuck, Lavender! Do you ever stop to think that everything is not always about you?"

She released the fabric and stared at me. She opened her mouth as if to say something but then closed it. She nodded and turned away. Her shoulders slumped as she wrapped her arms around herself. I could not see her tears but something told me they were there.

I stared up to the ceiling as I ran a hand through my hair. Did I even care? I sighed as I watched the witch's body shake with her silent cries. I cared, but why? Who was she to me? Three weeks ago her name would have likely not even come up had I been listing former students of which I had any real significant memory. Yet, I did recognize her that day in the Day Room at St Dymphna's. She was more than just another a student; more than just another cocky Gryffindor even. She had been one of the resistance members during my year as Headmaster. While most everything else about the girl, now woman, had changed since that time I recognized her that day because she had the same look of hatred and anger in her features as I had seen many times at Hogwarts in my final year.

I had empathized with that look even back then. I knew the emotion behind it; the sense that your entire world had fallen apart and left you with only previously unthinkable options.

Stepping closer, I reached a hand out to her shoulder. When she cringed, I pulled away and sighed. "For the past twenty-eight years I have distanced myself; first by choice, then by necessity and most recently by force. I cannot suddenly stop."

"So before when you said the my feelings toward you were formed under duress and are inappropriate?" She tensed but did not turn to face me.

I swallowed as I flashed back to the conversation to which she referred and that which followed between myself and Minerva. "I meant that."

"But you promised to help me," she whispered.

"I meant that." I scowled at the back of her head. "And I will."

Without turning toward me, she grabbed her wand and swung open the bedroom door.

"Where are you going?"

"To think."