Lavender Brown

The warm water fell over my body as I rubbed my temples. What the hell was I doing here? Did I really believe I could learn Occlumency and then become an animagus? I could barely function enough to to get out of bed many days, and sometimes not even that much.

But Severus believed I could do it. Why? Likely, because all he had ever seen was the last few weeks. With everything that had gone on recently, I'd hardly had time for my usual intoxicated self-pity and eventual self-harm. I had been running through fields away from search parties and far from most others at risk from my weak grasp on my self control during the full moon. I had been distracted by wandless and wordless magic during the waning time that usually took with it my spirit, motivation, and energy. There had not been opportunity to lock myself away as I became nearly catatonic during the days surrounding the new moon. Merlin, I am pathetic! It is no wonder why I am always rejected and that all the magical world had given up on me...well, almost all.

I closed my eyes, breathing deep in and out. The moon waxed now, and my anxiety grew with her. So far, I had managed to suppress it, to focus on whatever this thing was between Severus and I, and trying to figure out what might be next for me, but that would only last so long. Soon enough I would be able to focus on nothing else but the chaos in my head and the desire to stop it all. And there would be no grand cross-country rescue mission to distract me this time.

I continued my rhythmic breathing, in and out, in and out. I tried to envision myself months down the road, an accomplished Occlumens, my anxiety tucked away in the back of my my thoughts, and my focus strong. Had that not been how I survived last month? Focus and distraction from myself.

With a sigh, I wiped the water from my face and opened my eyes. Reaching for the soap, I inhaled the scent and was transported by the distinctive blend of herbal and pungent odors to the potions classroom. As I washed, I detected wormwood and cinnamon with a hint of myrrh.

I took in the scent again. "Interesting…" I mumbled and laughed to myself. Had Severus always smelled this way? During my time at Hogwarts, I assumed he smelled of damp dungeon and maybe candle soot a best, and decaying toad and rotten fruit at worse. I'd never allowed myself to actually be close enough to catch his scent then. At St Dympna's I now realized, he'd smelt of cleansing alcohol and lemons, just as everyone else.

I searched for some shampoo,but I found none. "Of course." I soaped my hair with the bar soap and quickly rinsed myself free from suds.

As I toweled dry, I glanced at myself in the steamy mirror. I already felt different somehow, but I could not see anything different in the dull grey eyes that stared back at me. I ran my fingers through my hair before reaching for my wand to quickly cleansed my borrowed dress.

Pulling the dress back over my frame, I sighed and left the bathroom. As I returned to the sitting room through the bookcase, Severus tossed me a collection of the basic grey and black t shirts. "Here. I imagine you can charm those into something usable."

I examined them briefly, realizing they belonged to him, before draping them over my arm. "Yes. These will work."

I smiled, feeling my face flush as I looked over his own grey t shirt and flannel black pyjama trousers. I only hoped he was not trying to get into my thoughts as I desperately tried not to think about how the thin fabric outlined his frame so much better than his usual choice in attire.

"What is it?" His lips tightened.

"Oh, um.. Nothing." I tried to hide my growing smile "I just don't know what I assumed you wore to bed, but it wasn't that."

"It is a drafty house." He paused. "I will not inquire as to why you have considered my bed clothes before now."

I laughed again, as I sank into the armchair. "No. That is probably for the better."

He snorted as he sat in the chair across the room. "I made some tea." He motioned to the cup beside the chair as he picked up his own.

"Thank you." I picked up the cup and inhaled the chamomile scent. "It is just tea, right?"

"Do you really think I would try to drug you?" His eyes narrowed over his cup as he took a sip.

"For the right reasons, yes." I sipped the warm liquid as I considered that even if he was trying to slip me something, it was probably for the right reason.

He shook his head. "I am unsure whether to be complemented or offended."

I shrugged. "Probably neither. Or both."
"It is only tea. Valerian and chamomile."

We sat in silence sipping our tea as I struggled to focus on the smell of it and nothing else. As the warmth from it moved over my limbs, I felt the fatigue creep into my head, but one thought kept returning. I cleared my throat, and Severus glanced over at me. "So, does this mean I can stay with you?"

His brows knitted together. "For the time being."

"Thank you." I smiled before a yawn took over. "Wow. What happened to this day?"

"It has been eventful." He set down his tea.

I yawned again. "If you have no objections, I would like to call it an early night."

He stood. "None at all." He opened the book case and followed me up the stairs. He paused at the first door, the room I had awakened in this morning. "You may sleep here for the foreseeable future. The bedding is clean."

I stepped into the bedroom, suppressing another yawn. "Thank you." I caught his gaze and leaned closer. In a sudden moment of weakness and need, I said mumbled, "I don't suppose you will be joining me?"

He sighed. "No, Lavender." He shook his head but did not pull away. "Get some sleep. We will begin our lessons again in the morning."

I huffed. "All work and no play is not good for you."

"Good night, Lavender." He turned from me. Although I could not see it, I imagined him rolling his eyes as he walked away down the dark hallway, perhaps even with a hint of a smile.

"Good night, Severus," I sighed as I moved away from the doorway.

Severus Snape

It was late, as usual, sleep had yet to take me. I stood, stretched my aching body, and headed toward the stairs to make another pot of tea and search the old stores for a sleeping draught. As I passed the room where Lavender was suppose to be asleep, I heard cries of distress from behind the closed door. I listened briefly before pushing open the door and glancing into the room.

She whimpered and tossed in her sleep, her face pinched as though in pain. The sweat glistened on her skin as I approached and reached a hand to her shoulder. "Lavender, wake up."

Her eyes shot open as she reached up to me, pulling me into the bed beside her. Without trying, her thoughts overtook me. I saw the remnants of her dream in my head; gruesome teeth inching closer and closer, his breath warm against her skin, the stench of rotting flesh fresh in her nostrils as Greyback stroked his fingers through her long golden locks.

His tongue pulled roughly along her cheekbone as he whispered against her ear."Such a pretty young thing with those golden locks shimmering in the moonlight. Caught my eye from across the hall y'know…lucky you," He sniffed her and admired her hair. "You will make a lovely wolf, My Dear."

She hissed. "Tell me, are you the Dark Lord's lap dog, or merely his bitch?"

Her laugh ended abruptly as the scorching pains in her side overtook her and the screams echoed in her head before everything went dark.

As my own hands ran through her chopped locks, I drew her closer. "It is just a dream, Lavender. Wake up."

Why was her mind so open to me? Never had it been so easy for me to get into someone's head. I did not even need to try. It was as though my curiosity alone allowed me access. Teaching this one Occlumency would be impossible.

She tucked herself into my lap, resting against my chest, almost childlike. "Can't you make the dreams stop?"

I considered pushing her away and telling her to go back to sleep, but instead I closed my eyes as I leaned against the headboard, bringing her along. "I will try."

She nodded and sighed, tucking herself even tighter into me. "Thank you."

When I awoke to the sunlight shining in my face. I found myself beneath the sheets as Lavender remained huddled against me with her head on my chest and my arms about her. I breathed in her scent, and closed my eyes again. My sleep had been restful and I wanted more. I found no desire to move despite the painful tingling in the arm as it laid beneath her weight, knowing it would likely wake her from a restful, nightmare-free, slumber that she too likely craved as much as I.

I laughed to myself. When had I become so pathetic? How had I allowed myself to develop positive feelings for anyone again? And more specifically why this former student I hadn't much cared for in the past? I reminded myself that she represented so much of what I had despised, a cocky Gryffindor rule-breaker who had once looked at me with hatred and venom in her eyes, giving no consideration that there might be more to the situation than what met her judgmental eyes.

But just as I was not the same person I had once been at Hogwarts, Ms Brown was something else entirely now. I glanced down at the scars peaking from the collar of her/my shirt. She already knew some of my closest held secrets, and yet here she laid, completely at ease against me. Perhaps Minerva had been right. What was the harm now? There was no Dark Lord from whom I needed to protect my thoughts and to fear might harm those I held dear. I had no loyalty to anyone but myself now.

Lavender stirred as her eyes opened. Her gaze met mine, and she smiled before tucking her head under my chin with a contented sigh.

I swallowed hard as my arms tightened about her frame.

Some time later, my eyes opened again as her lips pressed against mine. I pulled away but she followed, her fingers snaking beneath my bed shirt.

"What do you think you are doing, Lavender?" I sat up in bed.

"Please?" she breathed as her hands gripped my hips.

I swallowed, but before I could argue, her lips met mine again and her body pressed me against the headboard. As my own body responded, I tasted the sourness of guilt in the back of my throat.

I placed my hands on her shoulders, nudging her back. Raising an eyebrow and shaking my head "We cannot. We should not." I could not allow this to continue.

"Why?" She smiled as her gaze moved from my eyes to my lips and back to my eyes. Licking her lips, her fingers grabbed at my waistband before leaning into me again.

I tensed as a jolt of desire shot through me. How long had it been? Too long, most certainly.

"I don't expect anything more than this. But Severus, I need this." Her fingers moved along my inner thigh as she locked her gaze to mine, her grey eyes burning. "Please?"

Guilt gave way to need as I watched her chest heave. Almost reflexively, I caught her gaze and tried to access her thoughts, but instead met resistance and blankness.

With a small smile she closed her eyes. "That's not fair."

"Very good."

"I have a good teacher," she whispered. "Do I get my reward now?" She purred as she sucked her lower lip, pushing out her chest toward me provocatively and yet with such an innocence about the whole display as I imagined she had done with many boys before.

I sighed, grabbing the bridge of my nose and looking away. "I cannot do this, Lavender."

Her features fell as her fingers pulled away. She nodded. "I understand."

I huffed. "I highly doubt that," I mumbled.

Her eyes narrowed, pain flashing in them. "Very well, Severus." Her breaths came quicker as her jaw tightened.

"Lavender. I think you misunderstand me. It would be inappropriate considering the circumstances."

She threw back the blankets and sat back."What circumstances? Who is judging us? In case you have not noticed, it is just you and me here."

I swallowed down the dryness in my throat. "Shh. Shh. I am old and I am tired. You say you do not want anything more than this, but sooner or later, you might. And I will never have it to give to you. I lost that ability a very long time ago."

Her features relaxed as she nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm not being fair." She wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed against me in a hug.

Pressing against her ear, I inhaled her now familiar scent to find it strengthened, spicier, like a hint of cinnamon among the lavender. After another sniff, I realized it was my soap in her hair I smelled, and I liked it. Just as I liked the feel of her curves against my chest and the warmth of her breath on my ear.

As I pulled away, my body betrayed me. I shifted away from her but it was too late; Lavender had already noticed. She bit her lip again but the look in her gaze was anything but confident and seductive, instead hesitant and timid. And then my mind betrayed me as well as I pictured my teeth replacing hers on that full flushed lip of hers.

Merlin! I wanted to feel her against me and take in her scent again, but I needed to get ahold of myself.

She released the grip her teeth had and her lip sprung free. In a low, almost throaty voice she said, "Gods, Severus. If you don't shag me now, I'm apt to get up and leave and never come back."

I nodded even as my inner voice screamed how lewd I was for taking advantage of the girl. No, not girl - of age, intelligent competent witch capable of determining her own desires, I reasoned as my lips met hers.

I took that plump lip into my mouth just as I imagined. Was this really so wrong? Two consenting adults enjoying each others' company.

Her hands reached around my body and peeled away the t shirt. Her lips sought mine again as her fingers twisted into my hair.

My eyes drifted closed as I snaked my arms around her body and pressed her breasts into my chest. "Lavender…I -"

"Shh...I won't hear it." She moved her lips over my jaw and then to my earlobe. Her hand moved along my neck until her thumb brushed over the disfigured skin at the base of my throat.

She pulled away to look where her fingers rested on my gnarled flesh. She glanced up at me quickly and back to her hand as she stroked the skin. "I had forgotten," she whispered so softly I almost thought I had stolen into her head again.

I nodded as my hand reached for hers. I wanted to taste her mouth again and feel the weight of her flesh in my hands, but I waited as my pulse pounded in my ears.

She leaned into me, this time her lips pressing gently against the scar before she made her way up my neck, leaving my flesh tingling in her wake.

As she arrived back to my lips, I could hold back no longer. I reached for her breasts through the fabric of her borrowed t-shirt and crawled myself over her body before inhaling her scent.

She wrapped her limbs around me as if trying to swallow my body into hers. Her nose teased at my earlobe with hot breath as her fingers twisted between us toward my growing hardness.

My hands found her hips as her lips found mine again. As I tried to pull the shirt up along her skin, she pushed it back down. When I tried again, she pulled away from me, breaking our kiss.

I cleared my throat as I looked at her.