The first thing she feels is the pain. The splitting pain in her head. She tries to move her hands to her head but as soon as she does, she hears the clink of metal. Her eyes slowly open to see her wrists shackled to the metal pipe next to her. Her head is foggy. She sees sunlight pouring through the nearby window. She can barely remember what that had looked like.
Her eyes dart around, trying to piece things together. Where is she? How did she get here? She realizes she's on the floor, her knees up at her chest, unable to move her arms.
As the room comes into focus, she notices a sense of familiarity with the place. Her eyes widen as she realizes where she is. The yurt.
It is empty, no furniture, no bed, the place where she had comforted her love all those years ago. The last time she saw her, held her, kissed her.
Delphine realizes where she is, and she is scared.
She suddenly realizes that she is shivering. Whoever left her here put a coat around her but other than that, she is still in the thin white cotton she's been wearing for years. She shakes, trying to get her body to warm itself, but she knows it's no use. She knows that once it gets dark, she'll be in trouble.
She thinks about everything that has happened since she last saw her. Cosima. She can barely think her name without feeling the familiar prick of tears in her eyes.
That night had given her so much hope. To see her love again, to hold her, comfort her, it was the best feeling in the world. After all that time, they had reconnected. There had been so much she wanted to tell Cosima but she was so sick. She had to focus on making her stronger, so for that night, she poured her love and warmth into the smaller woman, giving her life.
She hadn't felt the pinprick when they took her away. The needle came fast and before she knew it, Delphine was on the ground, mind hazy, eyes half closed. She hadn't had the strength to call out for Cosima. She was asleep anyway so she never knew. Cosima never knew they took her that night.
Delphine can barely remember being dragged away, but the drug didn't take its full effect until later. For that, she is grateful. It gave her key pieces of information that she didn't know she would need at the time, but which helped her later.
She remembers being taken from the camp and being driven somewhere. She knows they never left the island. She wasn't sure where they were, but she could see flashes, images. One image was seared into her mind before everything went dark. A long hallway, something hanging on the wall, no, the door. It was a door. The swan. She noticed it because it seemed so out of place, like they were in someone's home. Was there a place like that on the island? Where were they taking her now? Why?
She hadn't known at the time that that would be the last time she saw Cosima. Maybe she should have fought harder. The drugs made her powerless and she succumbed to them despite her best efforts to stay awake.
She wouldn't see the light of day for two years.
They kept her in the dark. Not pitch dark, but in very low light. She remembers the contrast between the room where she would sleep and the room where they would…
Bright light. The thing that was forever seared into her brain. So many hours spent staring up at the blazing white light, unable to move, unable to speak. Only her mind to occupy her.
For a while, she didn't know what they were doing, why they were keeping her like this. She heard occasional whispers but could never get the full story.
Experiments...her mind...see if she can handle...memories...extraction…
She knew they were playing with her brain. They wanted her to think sometimes of another place, to see if she could put herself there. She knew they had done something to her head, she could feel the mess of wires plugged into her. She was a science experiment, she realized. The thought of her life being thrown away like this made her almost give up hope.
She would think of Cosima, of the one night they spent together. The idea that she had found a cure gave her hope, hope that Cosima was alive, hope that she would one day hold the woman she loved. The woman she had fought so hard for. It couldn't all be for nothing.
At some point she realized she could communicate with the people in these memories. They were sending her places, odd places, different times, with people and voices she did not recognize, and she was to report on what she saw.
That's when she realized she could take control of the experiment. She was the one controlling the memories. Why couldn't she use them to her advantage?
She began to pull out memories of Cosima from deep within her mind. It was unsuccessful at first. She didn't know if it would ever work. But she had to keep trying.
At first she pushed her own memory of the hallway, the walk she did every day from the room they were keeping her to the room where they experimented. She thought maybe if she could make Cosima see it, she could eventually communicate.
Then she tried memories. The device in her brain allowed her to reach out and get into someone else's mind. She didn't know how it was possible but it gave her a powerful weapon.
It was difficult to get through. It took so much concentration that she was often completely exhausted at the end of the day. Her head would pound with splitting pain. Still, she couldn't give up.
She tried and tried until one day, she had a breakthrough. She had been focusing on the memory of their last night together, trying so hard to get Cosima to hear her.
I think I'm dying.
She heard Cosima say it over and over until finally she broke through, her eyes looking into her soul and she knew. She knew. She had done it.
She tried to speak but could barely get the syllables out. She knew she needed help and with her limited vocabulary she was able to get the important piece of information across.
Rachel's eye.
She knew Cosima would be able to decode the message.
The night she made the next breakthrough, everything changed. As she went under, she noticed something was off. She knew Ferdinand was unhappy with the results she had been reporting. She had been making most of it up, trying so hard to keep the secrets she was holding onto. She just needed a little bit more time.
She tried one more time to get Cosima to see her in the hallway, to come to the room. She called out to her. The next thing she knew, Cosima was there, standing above her. She had done it.
As soon as she saw her face, she realized something was wrong. She could hear Ferdinand. He knew. He knew what was going on, what she had been doing. She tried to warn Cosima, tell her he was coming.
But then she realized something else. Someone else.
She turned to her side. Kira was there. She didn't know how, she didn't know why. She knew Kira had a special connection with the clones, but she never expected this.
Delphine felt an ease communicating with her. One she hadn't felt with Cosima. Perhaps it was because she was a child, her mind more free, more open to imagination.
She knew what she needed to tell her. She chose her words carefully as she didn't know how many she would get.
I never left. Find the swan.
There were no more experiments after that. Ferdinand cut her off completely. For the past three days, she was left in her cell, in the darkness.
Now, she is surprised. Why have they brought her here? She is cold, so cold. Have they left her here to die? Is it because they have no use for her anymore?
For years, she has been scared. But now, she's just tired. So tired. So cold. She can feel herself slipping. Her mind has had enough. It's been beaten and bruised.
No, she tells herself. She has to fight for any iota of hope that was left inside her. She had fought so hard to communicate with Cosima. Maybe, just maybe, she had gotten the message.
Delphine would give anything just to see her one more time, to know she was safe. She would do anything to hold her close, tell her that she means the world to her, that she would willingly give her life over and over to make sure that Cosima was ok.
She feels her tears coming but doesn't have the energy to cry. She pictures her lying there in that bed that night, so small, so weak, so fragile. She imagines how it could have been, taking care of her, administering the cure, being by her side as she got stronger. Healing the pain with her kisses. Giving her warmth with her arms wrapped tightly around her tiny frame. Showing her the love she always knew she deserved but could never properly give her. This is her fantasy. She would give anything. Not that she has anything left to give anymore.
She wonders if anyone will care if she dies. She's already dead, she has been for years. No one will notice. Her family has probably long forgotten her, stopped looking. Cosima is the only one who might care. The only one in the world.
She closes her eyes for a moment, feeling the pull of sleep. She shoots them open, knowing she needs to try to stay awake. If she falls asleep, she will surely die quickly. She shivers, pain running through her body as she tries to think warm thoughts of her love.
