Shout out to my beta SimplyDazzling! She's back and you won't have to suffer through my poor grammar any more(;
Oh. And Ares? Guys, he's still with the gang, and he's going to live with Bella when he goes back. But come on...who doesn't want two dogs?
I decided to ride home in Rose's car from the cabin that day, the day of the kiss. Edward and Emmett took my truck and Ares. It was Sunday, and we only stayed at the cabin for the weekend. I called Carlisle in the car and asked if he wanted to go golfing when we got home since the rain had stopped. I didn't want to go with Rose because she was just dying to ask questions, so he made a tee time.
After Edward and I kissed, I was feeling pretty damn good about life and whatnot. We stayed on the hammock, close to each other for awhile. I was feeling some serious bliss at that point. Edward had told me that he liked me, he said beautiful words about his life before and I told him I had feelings for him too. Who wouldn't be ecstatic at that point?
But I can never think objectively about Edward when I'm with Edward. And I really was in need of some objective thinking. That's why I was riding home with Rosalie. I doubt she saw the kiss; she would have definitely said something had she seen it. But just because she didn't see it didn't mean that she didn't have a shitload of other questions. I had to give her credit though, she was practicing restraint on the way home.
I informed Edward that Carlisle and I were going to go golfing. He was waiting for Ares to do his business, standing out in the lawn when I told him. I tried to make it sound like nothing was bothering me, but I think came off cold. His eyebrows furrowed in slight concern when I told him. His eyes searched mine and silently asked if something was wrong. I pretended not to notice.
Edward nodded after I didn't say anything else. "Have fun," he told me with half halfheartedness due to his confusion. I gave him an apologetic look before turning to go in the house and change clothes. Sorry buddy, you have no idea what you're getting into with me.
Carlisle somehow sensed that I wasn't in a chatting mood when he was driving to the course. I stared out the window not commenting on anything. I had way too much on my mind to exchange pleasantries. And he accepted that easily. I was a teenage girl. . .would you argue?
I formed a mental list while Carlisle was teeing up on the first hole. I was good at lists; they helped me organize and gather my bearings. The list consisted of the past week. . .
I found Ares and Edward's motorcycle. Okay, that was a friendly thing to do.
Rosalie told me Edward was really sexy. Well. . .I already knew that.
Emmett and Edward have mysterious conversation. I still wondered what they had talked about, though I had some pretty decent guesses.
Edward started to get very flirty. No comment there.
Edward kissed my neck and shoulder on a table full of fish guts. Who would have thought fish guts could be romantic?
Emmett interrupted kiss. Not a very relevant point, but regardless I found Emmett as annoying as Rose.
Emmett remembers the first girl he slept with. Why was Emmett on this list so much?
When asked about this, Edward gets agitated. Had I said something else to make him mad? I felt like I had but I had no clue what.
Edward takes off on a jet-ski. The slow jet-ski. Things are resolved regardless.
Emmett tells me to give Edward a chance. Aw, Emmett has a soft side.
And finally Edward tells me he likes me and we have a very hot kiss. Hence the list now.
I think that was a fair summary of what had transpired in the last week. Now I just needed to know what to make of it. We were on the 4th hole when I thought about the kiss. I smiled while I swung the club. That was a damn good kiss. But at the same time, I felt like that kiss was wrong.
Edward was 22. I was 17 for another week. That's a five year age difference. In the world of people in their 20's and 30's, that wasn't that big of deal. But seeing as how I was in high school. . .Yeah, it was kind of a big deal. He was in the army; he was my pen pal to put it lightly. You didn't go making out with your pen pal who was visiting you and your family on his leave. Well apparently I do, I guess.
Emmett seemed to know that's where my thoughts were at the time. Basically do whatever the hell I want. I wish it was that simple. I knew Edward was a good guy and I knew he cared about me. If only we could leave it at that.
But it all came down to one question. Did I want to be with Edward; did I want him to be my boyfriend? Or did I want him to stay my friend? At least until I had life figured out.
The obvious answer would be yes, I would love to be in a relationship with Edward. But that involved so much. He would be leaving in a few weeks and he wouldn't be coming back for a year. What's worse, he would be leaving to a war zone for a year. I didn't know if I could handle that intense worry for that long.
It wasn't something a normal senior in high school had to think about. They were thinking about AP classes, the sports they were captains of, colleges, graduation, and senior prom. Which I wouldn't have a date to. And when I said AP classes. . .I really meant it. I was taking five. If I was able to pass the exams at the end of the year with a 3 or 4 (I'd already passed four), I would have my first year of college done. That was incredibly stressful, but I had brought that upon myself.
I wanted to think I could handle that. But the truth was, no matter how much convincing I could do to myself, it would still be way too much for me. I was a strong person, I could get through anything, but I didn't want a relationship with Edward to feel like a task, just another thing on a list. And I didn't want him thinking about me when he should be focusing on staying alive.
Which made me wonder if everything would be better and easier if we waited until his tour in Iraq was over. I would be done with high school and he would be home. Objectively that would be the best choice. But I wanted to be with Edward. I didn't want to dangle over that line of friends or a couple. Especially for another whole year. I would rather have him 9000 miles away than not have him at all.
The stay-friends-forever thing was so completely out.
I was running out of options here.
The rational part of my brain was telling me that I should just talk this over with Edward. He should have a say in any decision. But I knew if I did talk with him, he would have much more than a say. Whether he meant to or not I would probably agree with anything he suggested. But then again, maybe he had a better solution than the shitty ones I'd been coming up with.
I went back to my original train of thought. I hadn't factored in my family and friends. Senior year was going to be a stress – throw in a boyfriend and it's just down right insane. But I had Rose, I had Esme, and I had Carlisle. They all loved me and could keep me sane; even if that was impossible.
And that led me back to the wait a year choice. It seemed to have so much more pros than cons than the other one. It sounded easier when you put the two together and factored in all the other obstacles. But was easier always better? I didn't think so in this case. Well, hell, I didn't know what I was thinking.
I frowned. Good Lord, I needed a shrink.
On the 17th hole I came to a decision. It wasn't really a decision more of an impasse really. . .which didn't make sense considering you needed two people for an impasse. . .Yeah. Um, I needed some serious sleep. Regardless of the fact that my sanity was slowly but surely slipping away from me, I made the choice to give Edward some space. Even if he didn't want it, it was for my benefit anyway. Even if that made no sense at all.
I would continue to weigh the pros and cons of all the choices. And hopefully I would come to an actual decision regarding the matter. And if that didn't work. . .I'd flip a coin?
To sum it up; I was just as fucking confused when we left the golf course than when we arrived. . .four hours ago. I wasn't good at multiple choice questions. I liked True of False so much more.
We pulled into the driveway to see that Esme was home from her wedding. Carlisle offered to bring my clubs into the garage. I accepted his offer and apologized for the lack of attention I paid today. He looked over at me with a sly grin. "Are you kidding? That was one of my best rounds! It's nice when you finally shut up once and awhile," he teased. I cracked a smile despite my mood and rolled my eyes.
"I'm glad I could help," I responded sarcastically. He held up his hand in a fist and I bumped mine to his with a smile before getting out of the truck and going inside.
Edward was sitting at the counter with his shoe up, tying the laces. He was wearing a gray sweatshirt and athletic shorts. I looked over to see Esme was wearing running clothes. She was flipping through a magazine while Edward finished getting his shoes on.
"Oh Bella," Esme smiled when she noticed me walking in. I slid out of my golf shoes and gave her a false smile that she seemed to accept. "We were just going to go running since the rain has cleared up a bit," she informed me, going back to her magazine.
Against my better judgment, I looked over at Edward who was looking at Esme while she was talking and then looked over at me. He raised his eyebrows at me while he gave me a once over. I didn't respond to his quizzical face. "Yeah, you should come with us," Edward said after a moment.
That totally defeated the purpose of giving myself space. "I–" I was about to say I had homework. That would have gone over nicely. "I have to send the school the days Rosalie and I decided for captain's practice," I instead finished lamely. Luckily I wasn't exactly an awful liar.
"You have to do that right now?" Esme asked with a raised eyebrow, a very pointed raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, they want to print the sheets out tomorrow." . . .Or two weeks from tomorrow.
"Okay. Ready to go, Edward?" Esme accepted my answer easily.
Edward, on the other hand, looked at me one last time, looking for any signs of distress on my face. He mouthed "you okay?" I shrugged and then nodded. Esme was already jogging out the door so Edward had no choice but to sigh and follow her out to the garage.
I called it an early night. I went to bed at nine; hell, if it hadn't been overcast it would have still been sunny out. But really, sleep was the only thing I wanted to do. It didn't involve thought. It just involved me looking at the inside of eyelids. Edward sensed something was off at dinner and stopped asking questions. The only good thing about being a girl; you could attribute almost anything to PMS. I'm sure that's what my family was doing now.
The next day I was as resolved as I had been yesterday. I decided, even though I didn't want to, it would be best if I spent another day avoiding Edward. Tomorrow I would have everything figured out, I was sure of it.
Don't get me wrong. I hated being the whiny little girl who had an amazing man in front of her but was to dense to see it. That was not me. It wasn't a question of being with Edward, it was the question of when exactly that was going to happen.
I'm sure some would say I was being immature about it. But in reality, I was a few days short of 18. Eighteen year olds had to deal with so much shit. I couldn't defend my distance from Edward because in all honesty, I wasn't sure what I was doing myself.
Edward came into my bedroom after I didn't come down for breakfast. Carlisle and Esme both left for work at 7 in the morning. And I realized that when Edward was knocking on my door. I felt bad for leaving him and the dog alone. I was supposed to be having fun with him. But I just needed a little more time.
"Are you feeling okay?" Edward asked as he hesitantly peaked his head through a crack of the door. It would have looked a lot better if I had been lying in bed. But I was sitting on the couch with my lap top on my lap. Fully dressed.
"Um, yeah, I'm fine," I told him, looking up from the computer.
"Oh okay, well, do you want to do something? I kind of want some ice cream." I bit down on my lip as Edward ran his hand through his hair, like he was nervous. I wanted ice cream, it sounded really good actually.
He wanted ice cream. Part of me was awing at how freaking cute and boyish he looked standing in front of me asking for sweets. The other part of me was just, well. . .a bitch.
"Can we go later? I have to finalize my soccer coach's design for our new jerseys." Again. . .it wasn't a total lie. I did have to approve the jerseys. . .he hadn't sent me the design yet, but that didn't really matter if Edward didn't know that.
"Yeah, okay, sure. I'll be down there," he turned uncomfortably around and pointed to the hallway and then just mumbled a "yeah," and went back out, closing the door softly behind him. I smiled emptily and went back on the keyboard.
I went downstairs after about an hour. It was lunch time and I was wondering what I should make. I was leaning towards an instant meal as I was heading down the stairs. To my surprise however, Edward was already in the kitchen buttering some bread. There was lettuce, cheese, ham, tomatoes and various other garnishes on the counter.
"That must have been some design to decide on," Edward smiled up at me briefly before concentrating back on his task. I was glad he wasn't looking at me, I was blushing. I couldn't decide if he knew I had been lying or if he was just making conversation.
Edward put a delicious looking sandwich on a plate in front of me a couple minutes later. I grinned and went to devour it as he sat down on the stool next to mine and started to eat his own creation. Instead of being a creep and watching him eat, I stared out the kitchen window leading to the backyard.
"So, Emmett and I were wanting to take you and Rosalie somewhere. . .you interested?" Edward spoke after he swallowed a bite. I looked up at him, his greens brimming with sweetness.
"For the whole afternoon?" I would have to turn him down, but I wanted to make it seem like I was at least considering it.
"A good chunk of it."
"Oh, I have a golf lesson at the course today." Now I was outright lying and I was starting to feel awful. Edward nodded slowly. He looked back down at this sandwich, trying to hide is disappointment. I frowned and bit down on my lip once again.
"Did I do something to make you mad?" he asked, looking back up from his food. His eyes were remorseful for something that he didn't even do. My heart clenched. I made a promise I wouldn't lie to him anymore. "Look. . .I'm sorry I kissed you, I swear I won't–"
"No! Of course not! Please don't apologize for that. I do not regret it. I just have a lot on my mind right now. Sorry." That was totally truthful! I could do this shit. Easy peezy lemon squeezy.
Edward didn't look entirely convinced. "You're sure?" he checked. I nodded, trying to appear cheerful. "Well okay." Still not convinced.
"You guys go have fun," I smiled falsely, trying to sound enthused for them. It didn't sound that bad fortunately for me.
"Well okay, they'll be here in like ten minutes."
I nodded and finished my sandwich in silence. I was washing the very little dishes we used when there was a honk outside. Ares barked sharply from the spot he was laying by the sun. Edward turned and waved before going out the door without another word. Ares barked again, this time softer. I looked over at him. "What the hell am I supposed to do, Ares?"
Ares lifted his head and tilted it to the side before laying it back down on his paws and staring at me. The door that Edward had just exited through opened abruptly and I jumped in fright. Ares again barked loudly. I shushed him when I saw that it was only Rose.
"Normal people knock," I said sourly, glaring at her for freaking me out. She rolled her eyes and sat down on one of the stools. "What? What are you even doing here? I thought you, Edward, and Emmett were going somewhere."
"We were," Rosalie sung in an irritated voice. "We were until Edward came out to the car without you. I asked where you were and he said you had a golf lesson. I said no she doesn't. He looked at me and said 'I assumed that much.'" I opened my mouth to defend myself but Rosalie held up a hand to cut me off. "What the hell does that mean? And that's what I asked him. He said you had been ignoring him for the entire day, and some of yesterday. An–" I cut Rosalie off sheepishly.
"Distancing. Not ignoring." She narrowed her eyes, not appreciating my correction.
"Regardless I told them to go ahead without me while I came in here to knock some sense into my dense friend," she finished, huffing.
"Did Emmett appreciate that rhyme?" I asked, ignoring everything else she just said and smirking.
"Yes. I got a high five," Rosalie informed me snobbishly. "And now you're going to tell me why the fuck you are distancing yourself from Edward." She made finger quotes around the word distancing.
I sighed. Then I went to stand across from her at the counter. I placed my hands firmly on the cool granite and thought about what I would say.
"Look, it's a little more complicated than what you're saying, you don't know everything that happen–" Rosalie interrupted me. I had almost forgotten that neither one of us could ever finish a sentence when we were together.
"Is this about the kiss? Yeah yeah, don't look so surprised. Emmett looked out the window and saw you two turning up the heat on the hammock yesterday. Way to be discreet," she complimented sarcastically as I gapped at her. Of course it was Emmett who saw us.
I closed my mouth and shook my head. "No, it's not just the kiss. It's everything. I don't think you'd get it." Rosalie raised an offended eyebrow and gave me a, you have got to be kidding look.
"Really?" she asked rhetorically in a monotone voice. I gave her a shrug.
"Think about it Rose, he's leaving. He's to be gone. Away. Not here." I said slowly, trying to get this through to her even though I knew she was totally aware of the fact. "You know it be smarter to wait until he got back."
"Bullshit," Rosalie sighed like I really was dense. "Do you want to know what I think? No, scratch that. Do you want to know what I know?" She didn't give me an opportunity to answer. "When you kissed, you thought about what it would be like, being with Edward. You realized it'd be as easy as fucking blinking! And that totally freaked you out."
Those words were spoken so surely and so positive. I knew Rose didn't have a doubt in her mind that she was right about this. And I had to admit when Rosalie was sure, she was generally right.
I gave up while Rose was staring at me. It had been less than 24 hours and I was already waving the white flag of surrender.
I couldn't distance myself. I was already too far past that stage, I was already so invested in Edward that I couldn't change my mind now. And she was right. Being with Edward in the long run was the easiest thing I had ever done in my life. I couldn't keep considering the odds, or the pros of cons. I had just wasted a day of time with him that I wouldn't get back now.
Screw lists. I wanted to be with Edward. And I didn't give a damn what anyone else had to say about it.
So she said, "What's the problem baby?"
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love, think about it every time
I think about it, can't stop thinking 'bout it
How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it 'cause I can't ignore it if it's love
Makes me wanna turn around and face me
But I don't know nothing about love
Accidentally in Love, Counting Crows
-For those of you about to analyze the shit out of this, relax. Bella's reaction has nothing to do with her age or ability to be in a relationship. She's a woman. We change our minds. All the time.
-Edward and Emmett's afternoon plans? Paintball fight. That damn Bella...
-NOW, for all of those following me on Twitter, you know I dropped a hint or two about Edward's past. Edward's past is going to be focused on in the last...12ish chapters. Trust me...right now I'm going to keep it simple. However, why you guys think Edward joined the army?
