With a heavy yawn I glanced down at my watch. 7:59. Damn.

Looking at my other guys in the squad, I gave them a stiff nod before glancing down at the watch again. A painfully slow moment drug by before our shift was over.

"Good work guys," I patted a couple of them on the back as we made our way across camp.

Chris, one my guys continued to walk with me to the chow hall for some much needed breakfast. "How's Alice doing, Sarge?"

I fought down the immensity of my grin to just a smile. It felt really fucking good being able to be associated with her. It hurt like hell that she wasn't still here, but she was safe in the states. Pregnant. With my kid.

My kid.

That had taken a long time to get used to at the beginning. I was going to be a father. Some small child would look up to me for support and love their entire life. I would be it.

Poor kid.

I had no idea what kind of parent I would be. I hoped I wouldn't screw the kid up too bad. It wouldn't be too bad if Alice was the mother though.

Alice. I wanted to smile larger. Every time I thought about her I knew that she was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and we were starting a family with a new baby boy.

A boy.

Visions of blue and baseballs flew through my mind every time I allowed myself to think about it. I had a son on the other side of the world, his arrival approaching in a matter of weeks.

That particular thought scared the shit out of me. It killed me that I was going to miss the birth of my first kid. I had been trying for months to get leave for the time, but with it being so close to the end of deployment, it just would not work. Alice was just as disappointed about it.

"She's 32 weeks today," I reported. Chris, a young kid, about 20 grinned.

"They get scary those last two months. My mom had my sister a couple years back. . .lemme tell you Sarge, it was not pretty," he chuckled and shook is head.

"I'll just be thankful I'm not there then," I joked back, nodding and saying goodbye as we parted ways, having arrived at the hall.

What complete bullshit.

First of all, I didn't think it was possible for Alice to scare me.

Second, I'd give anything to be able to be there for her right now. I would trade anything just to feel the swell of her belly, to feel my son kick against her. I allowed myself to fantasize about that some nights.

I wished more than the hell that I could be there for her. God knows Bella helped more than she should have had to after that fucking grenade.

I couldn't do anything. When I saw the commotion from Edward's squad and saw Alice being dragged out of a burning building, unconscious…my heart felt like it had stopped. It took every ounce of restraint and probably God's intervention to keep me from running over and taking her in my arms.

The entire time she was under the medic's care, I had to rely almost completely on Edward for information. I couldn't be a good fucking boyfriend and go into the building and sit by her side until she woke up, and hold her, protecting her from any harm.

And then, instead of taking care of her with her broken leg and arm, all I did was send her on the plane away from me to go live with the Cullen's who could do what I couldn't; care for her.

Saying goodbye to her and been the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I'd always felt bad for Emmett and Edward, having to say goodbye to their girlfriends when mine got to come back to Iraq with me. They hadn't been kidding. Watching her go had fucking hurt.

When she found out she was pregnant, she and Bella had emailed Edward and me, telling us to call whenever we could a total of 20 times. We were pretty panicked to say the least.

I thought back to that interesting conversation that had turned my world around.

"Alice?" I demanded, not even saying hello.

I heard her exhale shakily. "Hi hun."

"Are you alright?" I stepped away from Edward who was asking Bella the same thing on his phone a few feet away.

"Well…yeah…" she trailed off hesitantly.

"What does that mean?" I wasn't foolish enough to be relieved at her statement just yet.

"Umm, I…it's. I'm fine," she assured me.

"Ali," I said softly, missing the hell out of her by just saying it, "What's wrong?"

I listened to her exhale quietly, waiting for an answer patiently. "The word "wrong" is open to interpretation..."

I let out a quiet, half hearted groan. "You've clearly been spending too much time with Bella." My sweet, little soldier had turned into a smart alec.

She laughed nervously. "Yeah...I'm thinking that's the least of our worries right now."

"Please stop being cryptic," I requested, more or less asking for an answer to the unspoken question again.

"Do you remember that time…umm…in the umm… tank awhile ago?" she ventured timidly. My Alice was not timid. I knew that because I did remember that time. In vivid…wonderful detail.

I hummed, "Oh yeah."

I waited for her to continued, thinking this could lead to something nice for me. It didn't. She stayed silent on the other line.

"Ali-" I started to say but I was interrupted as Alice spoke at the same time.

"I'm pregnant, Jasper."

I froze. My thoughts froze.

I remained silent for an immeasurable amount of time.

"Oh for the love, it's yours Jasper," Alice snapped irritably after about three minutes. Now that was my Alice.

I blinked and swallowed, finally finding words. "When you say pregnant-"

"With a baby. And yes, I'm sure. And before you ask, I'm completely sure."

"A baby as in ten toes? Ten figures? Two eyes?" I sounded like an idiot. A huge idiot.

"Well…I'm not entirely sure about the two eyes thing…since it is your child," she joked. I had got enough of my senses back to roll my eyes.

"Well. Okay," I finally managed trying to stay calm.

She waited.

"We're having a baby!" I tried for enthusiastic. It came out anxious and really fucking scared, but I'm pretty sure there was a little bit of enthusiasm in there.

"Jasper?" Alice asked, obviously confused.

Clearly there hadn't been enthusiasm.

"Okay! A baby. A little human being. Okay; I can do this. It's like raising a puppy. And you like puppies. Yes you do. Oh damn. What if it's a boy? Ah shit. What it's a girl? Oh jeez. I am not talking to her about sex. She won't be having sex! Hell, she won't even know what sex is! …but what if she does?"

"Jas…?" Alice asked, concerned.

"If she does, you know what, it's all good. Well it's not good, but we can figure it out. Make a convent sound really fun! Tell her that nuns are cool. But then…I won't get grandkids. Do I want grandkids? I don't know…I don't know what kind of a grandfather I would be! What happens if I take them fishing, and they don't like fishing? What if I'm not a good grandpa? What-"

"Jasper!" Alice practically shouted over the phone. I blinked and then shook my head briefly…how the hell did I go from puppies to a grandpa?

"Yeah, I'm good!" I assured her, trying to grasp the concept of a baby. A tiny human. A combination of Alice and I. The thought actually didn't sound that bad.

"Do you want a do over?" Alice asked lovingly.

"What?" Still trying to grasp the baby thing. I took a deep calming breath and allowed myself to hear her words.

"Jasper," Alice said softly, though I could hear the smile, "I'm pregnant."

I let out a breath and then smiled, "That's wonderful, darling. You can't imagine how happy I am." And I was.

Edward had heard from Bella the news, but Emmett was clueless. So when he came wandering in to find me pacing the room and Edward sitting back and smirking at me, I had to explain it to him.

"I'm having a baby," I blurted out to him. He blanched back, surprised before he grinned, realizing I was serious.

"Dude! What the hell? Congratulations!" And then he pulled me into a crushing yet still passing as a masculine hug.

Well if Emmett was enthusiastic.

It took about two hours of pep talking on their part before I allowed myself to grow actually excited.

Of course I would hardly say their pep talking, really helped.

"Come on man! A baby! It'll be fun! It'll be an adventure!" Emmett.

"You could name it after me!" Thanks Edward.

"You'll have an excuse to go to the zoo without feeling weird!" Emmett optimistically boomed. I had to agree; definite plus.

"If it's a girl you can threaten her prom date with a shot gun!" Very good point Edward.

"Dude; the zoo."

When Alice found out it was a boy and showed me the sonogram I had already gotten so hyped about the baby. But a boy. I would have a son. The thought made me want to shout to the world.

Which I did.

I got applause from the squads in the rec. room. I was the proudest dad-to-be out here. Hell, I still am.

I found Edward and Emmett, each leaving their squads for the morning and grabbing their own breakfast. We nodded at each other and grabbed a table. I saluted the lieutenant that passed by before sitting down across from them.

Edward was immersed in a letter that was definitely from Bella from the way he was grinning, while Emmett immediately began shoveling food in. I glanced up from my food as Edward set down the letter. I raised an eyebrow.

"Prom," he answered with a wrinkling of his forehead. I chuckled.

Emmett stopped eating long enough to laugh as well. "Come on man, this'll be an experience!" he slapped Edward on the back, making him roll his eyes.

"I just am not a fan of teenagers," Edward shuddered.

"That's unfortunate, since you're currently dating one," I pointed out sarcastically. Emmett snorted in agreement.

"Bella's different. Bella isn't…teenagery. She's-" Emmett interrupted him.

"She's fantastic, amazing, stunning, awesome and the wind beneath your wings. We know."

Edward glared at him before looking over at me. I held my hands up and stifled a chuckle.

"The wind beneath my wings? That saying doesn't even make fucking sense!"

Emmett rolled his eyes. "I'm sure it makes sense to some people, or no one would say it!"

"Or dumbasses like you just say it," Edward muttered under his breath as he took a swing of his orange juice.

We ate breakfast like we did everyday before going to the barracks to sleep for six hours. Our schedule changed every few weeks as far as shifts went, sometimes we had the day, but currently we had the nights. I wasn't a big fan of it. When I saw the moon, I wanted my bed. But I could roll with it. And I had to make it look easy for my guys.

Edward and I were currently sharing a room, and Emmett was about ten feet away. Edward was already crashing in his bed by the time I fell into my bed with a heavy yawn and fell into a deep peaceful sleep, dreaming about Alice and the little boy that was coming quick.

"Jas! Wake the fuck up!" I heard Edward hissing at me. I groaned and rolled over into my pillow. Normally I would be at attention, but it was Edward.

"Jasper!" And then a dusty combat boot hit the side of my head with accuracy only Edward had.

"What?" I sat up and glared over at him. I enjoyed my fucking sleep.

"It's Alice," Edward said quietly. That got my attention immediately. I whipped my head in his direction and flipped on the light switch over my bed, watching him wince at the light,

I noticed his cell phone was in his hand. We both paid a shit ton of money for our cell phone plans so our ladies could call us without having us call them on the pay phone.

"Bella just tried calling you; your phone's on silent, you dumbass. Call her back!" He urged, making me scramble around my bed for my phone…that was on the table next to my bed. I snatched it up and dialed Bella's number with lightning speed.

"Jasper," Bella breathed immediately, relieved. Though her voice was hardly relieved. It was rather tense. I watched Edward watch me, him just as anxious.

"What's going on? Is Alice hurt?" I demanded.

"I don't know," Bella said helplessly, her voice pained, "She was bleeding so we rushed her into the ER, and now they're doing tests, and she told me to call you, and I don't know what to do."

"Bleeding? Bleeding where?" I watched Edward's face grow concerned as he rose an eyebrow.

I heard Bella take a breath as my heart clenched, "She has vaginal bleeding. It's heavy," Bella whispered in fright.

"What does that mean? What's happening?" I heard how harsh my voice sounded, and saw Edward's defensiveness snap in as he also heard it.

"I don't know," she repeated, seemingly close to tears.

"God damnit! Is the baby alright?" When she didn't respond I damn near shouted, "Is my son alright?"

Edward crossed the small room in an instant and grabbed the phone out of my hand. I saw my own hand shaking. My Alice was bleeding in an emergency room, terrified and here I fucking was, across the world.

I vaguely heard Edward softly try to get answers from her. "Babe, what did Carlisle say?"

I couldn't hear a response. Before I could do anything to stop my actions, I was standing up and I kicked the closest thing I could. The small table with various books and shit went flying across the room and hit Emmett's wall with a metal thud. I pounded my fist against the wall, helpless.

Within seconds, the door was being flung open by Emmett, awoke from sleep. "What the fuck?" he asked, blinking his eyes before he took in the site of the table and objects lying around.

"Jasper," I hadn't realized Edward was standing up until he was next to me, offering the phone, "it's Carlisle."

I inhaled shakily, so shakily that I realized my body wanted to cry. I wanted to let myself. But I couldn't.

I took the phone and exhaled, a lump in my throat. "Carlisle."

"Jasper, I'm very sorry we have to have this conversation over the phone. I'm going to be blunt here though," I braced myself, for what, I didn't know exactly. "Alice has had a grade 2 placenta abruption."

Abruption?

No.

"…right now, the baby and her are being monitored intensely. If either of their heartbeats drop, they are going to have to deliver the baby."

"They can't. She's only 32 weeks!" I argued, unable to find other words. He wasn't big enough. He wasn't strong enough for the harsh world. My son.

"Premature births are not uncommon. They're both fighters, Jasper,"Carlisle's fatherly words assured me.

Alice. She was a fighter. She truly was. I knew she could get through this. I just hoped to God our son got her traits. My terror knew know no bonds. I had been wrong this morning when I was talking to Chris.

It was very possible for Alice to scare me.

She had me terrified right now.

After a moment, I remembered that Carlisle was still on the phone. But Carlisle wasn't what I needed right now. "Can I talk to her?" I begged quietly.

Before I could get a response, I heard chaos on the other line. "BP's dropping, we have to get this baby out now!"

Carlisle softly swore on the other line and seemed like he was about to say something, but I beat him to it. "Please let me talk to her," I begged desperately, completely unraveled.

"Alright,"Carlisle allowed, and I let the burden weighing on my chest grow just a little lighter.

"Jas, baby?" I heard Alice's scared voice on the other line ask. My heart felt like it had shattered.

I clutched the phone closer to my ear, as if that would make her less far away. "It's alright Ali, I'm here," I soothed her. But it wasn't fucking alright. I wasn't there. And I fucking should have been.

"The baby…" she whimpered as I heard doctors and nurses rush around her.

I swallowed the lump that was growing bigger. I wish I knew what to say. Before I could find words, I heard Alice cry out in pain. I clenched the phone tighter in my fist.

"Don't hang up, please, please don't," Alice begged, her voice full of tears. That was my undoing.

I fell onto my unmade bed, and let my head fall into my free hand over my bent knees. I felt the tears starting to come now, and didn't want Emmett and Edward to see them.

"I won't," my voice broke. "Not even the army could make me," I promised solemnly.

"I'm scared," she whimpered as the doctors shouted in the back. I didn't know how she was delivering the baby, because I wasn't fucking there.

"Me too," I admitted quietly, trying to seem calm for her. "I love you Alice, so fucking much."

"Jasper, I love you too, I love you a whole lot," she told me quietly with complete conviction.

"Alice, you're going to have to start pushing. You might want to hang up the phone," I heard a serene male doctor tell her. I wonder if she knew that doctor. Was that her doctor? Or was it some stranger? Who was her doctor?

"Like hell," Alice said pleasantly. I barked out a tearful laugh at my girl.

"I don't know if I can do this," Alice confided, her voice now terrified and frantic.

"Yes you can," I said, fully believing every word. "You can do anything. You're a warrior Ali, and you can do this."

I stayed on the line with her, throughout the entire labor. At one point though, Esme had to hold the phone to her ear so Alice didn't crush. Instead, she grabbed the pillows and probably tore them to shreds effortlessly.

I forgot the worries slowly. I don't know how that was possible, I was just immersed in Alice. Every cry she made of pain felt like a bullet in my chest. I wanted to take the pain from her, hide her from the world and give me the pain.

"Just a little more Alice!" I heard the doctor encourage her.

"You can do it Ali, just a little bit more," I coached her, having no idea in hell what I was doing.

I heard her cry out one final, painful time. I waited to hear the babies cry, I waited to hear my son announce his presence in the world. I waited.

"What's wrong?" I heard Alice ask them in desperate terror that suddenly mirrored my own thoughts.

"Find the heartbeat!" I heard a doctor yell, but it wasn't in Alice's direction. It was in the direction of our baby, wherever they had whisked him off to.

I couldn't do anything. I sat there on my bed, in Iraq while doctors worked to save my son who was born two months before he was ready. Two months is a long time. What if he wasn't ready for the world?

After five minutes of commotion on the other line, and Alice and I whispering desperate soothings to each other, that neither of us really believed, it was done.

I heard a doctor muttering some things to Alice, and for the life of me, I couldn't get close enough to the phone to hear what he was saying.

Alice got back on the line, her voice heartbreakingly devesated, "He didn't make it Jasper." And I didn't know who's sob was who's. The lump in my throat won over me.

My son didn't survive.

My son was gone.

The phone fell from my hand and my head buried in my hands as sobs wracked my entire body, painfully hard.

I could feel Edward and Emmett sitting down next to me, putting their arms over my shoulders, but I couldn't feel anything. I could only feel numbness and the imaginary soft touch of a small baby's hand. A small baby who fought for what seemed like a lifetime for his life, and in the end was too precious and too fragile for the world.

I could feel the soft pretend touch of my lips to a silky baby's forehead under my lips. I could feel a gentle weight in my arms, where a child would look up to me with wonder. But now, those were just imaginations. They wouldn't happen.

I cried for me and Alice and our boy. I had never met him, and it felt like I had lost a part of me. It felt like a piece of my soul had just died as well. I felt shattered.

I would never meet my little boy.


Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

I'm here without you baby,
but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby,
and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby,
but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me
Here Without You, 3 Doors Down


I don't think I have words to say with this chapter. A first, but I don't feel the need to ramble right now. But I must thank you all for sending me over 5,000 reviews! I am so lucky to have all of you with me.