For those of you who missed my Twitter tweets today: I am a young writer (younger than I'm sure most of you know) and I have so much to learn. My imagination got the best of me while I was writing Edward's past and it invaded the story. I'm not sorry that I wrote what I wanted to. But I acknowledge that it is probably the direction I should have taken the story. I have been debating what to do with it, and have firmly decided to stand by it.
As Eminem would say, "Haters can make like bees."
Things were awful in the house the weeks after Alice lost her baby. There are so many other synonyms that I could use to describe the situation, but all of them would just be rambling. Plain and simple, it was awful.
Alice. My God Alice. She's had the roughest life of anyone I knew. Her parents died and she had no one, she joined the army where the one man she fell in love with couldn't be seen with her, then she got blown up by a grenade, and then discharged where she figured out she was pregnant and the dad wasn't going to be there for the pregnancy or birth. And then the precious little life that she loved more than anything in the world didn't make it.
It was the saddest thing I had ever witnessed in my life. She thought her placenta abruption was her fault. And she had convinced herself that that was the case and it made me want to cry. She tried to put up a strong front at times, which was so pathetically sad to watch. Sometimes she would be almost in denial. I would catch her hand travel to her belly, waiting for a kick that was not going to come. And there was nothing I could do about it.
But she wasn't the only source of sadness from the house. Esme was horrible to see the whole week after. She hadn't had a miscarriage since the year after I arrived, that I knew of. Before that though, I knew she had had a fair number, and she was having trouble conceiving. Now, Alice had lost the baby that we had all come to love and look forward to. You can imagine the affect this would have on Esme. But more than that, she was sad that Alice had to go through such pain that she already knew far too well.
Carlisle was much better at masking his melancholy. He was in a house full of three depressed women. And two dogs. He was the leader of our family and he had to try to keep us all from falling apart. God bless the man. I couldn't have been able to be a rock for everyone. I knew he was feeling just what Esme was in terms of the miscarriages and Alice, but he had no choice but to cover it up, for no one's sake but his own.
I missed Edward, but I could live with him being gone for awhile. Alice needed Jasper with her. It was cruel to make her go through such an ordeal without him by her side. It was horrendous that the two of them had to be on different ends of the earth during such a painful time where all they really needed was each other.
I just couldn't even imagine what the two of them were going through.
I skipped a few days of school to stay home with Alice. But she barely said any words. I worried that if I didn't make her eat, she wouldn't even leave her bedroom. I should have been stronger. I should have been able to be the friend that I personally would have needed. But I just couldn't do it. There was so much sadness that I had no way of fixing, and selfishly, I knew that it was taking its toll of me. So I went back to school and barely hung on to the words the teachers were saying.
Golf season had started during that time and I sucked. Like really, really sucked. The new people on the team had no clue why I was the varsity captain. But I could not focus when I knew that someone I loved was in pain and I was helpless. I talked to Brenner and vaguely explained what was going on, and fortunately he let me miss some practices when Esme would be gone and Alice would be alone.
I had no idea when she was going to get better. I knew that you can't really recover from something like that. You can just learn how to bare the grief. But when was that going to happen? It worried me immensely.
Edward and I were both insanely busy. We had only gotten to speak a few times over the past couple weeks and I missed him insanely. Edward was my rock, he was the confident sure one; I needed him to know what I should do. And it was killing me that I had not been able to talk to him much.
I kept my phone with me at all times. That was nothing new, but now I kept it on vibrate. I didn't care when the hell it was, if he was calling me, I sure as hell was going to answer.
One day in my Trig class the week before I had felt my pocket buzz. Surreptitiously I angled the phone to see that it was Edward calling. My teacher, a young guy who was good friend with Brenner was going over the homework from the night before. There was ten minutes or so left of class. And what did I do? I stood up from my seat, mumbled that I had to go to the bathroom and left the room without his response. It was a good thing that he was a fun teacher I enjoyed or I would have been screwed. I apologized to the teacher and tried to explain, but he stopped me and said that Brenner had told him, and it was fine. I loved my teachers.
Since Brenner knew that I was currently in a sucky slump fest of life, he let me keep my phone on me at practice too. One particularly chilly April day he was helping me on the practice green. He was in the middle of telling me that my feet were fucked up when my phone started to ring quietly.
"Can I?" I asked, referring to the phone, biting my lip.
Brenner sighed and narrowed his eyes in a teasing yet still serious way, "Isn't it like midnight over there?"
"So I'll make it quick," I promised with a half hearted grin. He rolled his eyes and hit a ball at my foot with his putter. I took that as a yes and pulled the phone out of my pocket and took steps to get off the green and out of the way.
"Hi," I answered immediately. A real smile wove up onto to my face when Edward gave me a hi back.
"How's it going over there?" he asked with a sigh, knowing that it really wasn't peachy. I sighed too. My smile slid into a frown as I went to perch on a rock near by.
"Sucky. How's Jasper?"
I could practically hear Edward frown. "The man's a wreck. He's become a master at hiding it from everyone, and for the most part no one notices anymore. But Emmett and I are worried about him. His head's not here. And I can't blame him for that, I understand it. But with where we are, his head has to be here," he replied gravely.
Oh Jasper, I silently sighed. That man needed some hugs, however dumb that sounded. Jasper was the only soldier who I didn't know very well, but I just wanted to help him. I wanted to do something. It was so frustrating. "I'm worried about both of them. It's been a month."
"I know baby, me too."
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do," I confided. Edward didn't say anything knowing the tone I was using. He knew I was about to start venting, and probably bring myself close to tears. "I'm just so tired. I can't keep doing this. I've felt like crying ever since you told me about your mom, and I haven't stopped feeling like that. I feel like crying all the time. I haven't been happy since you left. But I feel awful when I cry, because I know Alice has it much worse than I do," I stopped and took a shaky breath, already getting myself worked up. My heart just felt so fucking heavy that it was difficult to bear. I didn't know what to do anymore.
"Shh, Bella, don't cry," he soothed, really concerned. I knew he hated hearing me cry when he was gone, because it made him feel helpless. And I did not want to bestow the same thing that I had been feeling for weeks on him. Besides, I wasn't about to burst out into sobs in the middle of a golf course with Brenner just a few feet away. I could. But I wasn't.
I exhaled slowly and loudly, showing him that I was going to keep it together. Encouraged, he told me caringly, "I know life sucks snicker doddle. You're only 18, you don't have all the answers, and no one expects you to. You should not have to deal with this alone. But the way Emmett and I are getting through this is knowing that we'll be home in two weeks. You just have to hang onto that."
He was trying. He was doing the best he could and I knew that. He deserved someone who could be wholly comforted by his phone soothing. "But you're only here for a week," I argued miserably.
"That's a week less that you have to be alone," he answered, not missing a beat. I nodded, accepting that reasoning. I had been so distracted by everything that I hadn't even had time to allow myself to be excited for his visit. It didn't even seem like excitement was allowed at the house anymore. But the thought that I'd have him for a whole week was extremely appealing.
"Only two months after that," I remembered out loud. And then he'd be home for fucking good. Now that was really an appealing thought. It was so comforting to be reminded that we were almost in the clear. Just a little more left.
"That's my girl," Edward said proudly, probably with a grin. I couldn't resist smiling a little bit. He continued, more confident now that it seemed like I wasn't going to lose it again, "We'll figure this out together. You just have to hang tight for two more weeks," he promised.
Again I nodded, even though he could not see me. "What about Alice and Jasper? I want to help her. But I just can't live like this. Should I talk to her?" I had no idea what I was going to say. I just wanted to really know how she was doing and then, base my actions on that. I just hated walking around the house miserable if I didn't have to be.
Edward seemed properly pleased with my question. I was surprised about the initiative too. "Give it a shot. I think we need to just give them time. I'm sure it'll be much better when our deployments are over. But until then I think we just have to leave them be unless they need us."
"Alright. I love you."
"Eshtaaqtu Elayy," Edward said in a foreign language that still, even though I had already heard him speak in it, made me smile with delight at how beautiful it sounded.
"Arabic?" I guessed. It made sense that Edward was able to speak the language after being there so long.
"Aiwa," he replied. I rolled my eyes. Edward must have recently started brushing up on the more romantic sayings of the Iraqi language.
"I miss you too," I replied, taking a guess as to that's what he said.
"Ah," he complained boyishly, "come on. How do you know I wasn't talking about your breasts?" he challenged, making me giggle.
"Well were you?" I asked, already knowing I was right.
"…no," he admitted. I laughed quietly.
"Got get sleep," I urged him. If Jasper's head was in China, then I most definitely needed Edward alert enough to look after both of their asses.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going." We exchanged goodbyes and another set of I love yous before we had to hang up the phone. I sat on my rock for a quiet minute. It was amazing how happy he could make me.
Brenner who was still on the green excused himself from a conversation with the boys coach. He walked half way over to where I was standing and raised an eyebrow in my direction where I sat smiling on a rock.
"You good?" he checked. Idly I wondered how fucking transparent I was. Did everyone really see my emotions that easily?
"Yeah," I answered, "I'm good." And for the first time in weeks. I actually was.
-oOo-
I was so excited to have Edward coming home the next day. It had been such a long winter without him. I wanted to see him and hold him so badly. Looking back I couldn't believe I made it through the allotted amount of time with as few of break downs as I did. Waiting for Edward to come back was like waiting for Christmas. But Christmas always comes and goes. Unfortunately Edward was only going to be here for a week before he left again.
Around the house I was cautiously starting to improve. But I couldn't work up the nerve to actually talk to her. The day before Edward's flight was coming in, Alice approached me instead. I was in my room trying on my prom dress that I had picked out back in February with Alice.
Alice silently padded into my room and perched over on my bed. Slowly I turned away from the mirror and took in her appearance. I was pleasantly surprised by what I saw. She had on a long sleeved purple shirt and a pair of black sweatpants, looking somewhat refreshed. She looked, calm but I didn't miss the underlying sadness etched into her face.
I wasn't sure what to say so I gave her an apologetic look. Her lips twitched up slightly. Then she sighed and leaned back to rest her weight on her hands. "I want you to be happy Bella. I really do." I tried to hide my shock. Those were the most words I had heard her say all month.
"I want you to be-"Alice shook her head and held up a hand gesturing for me to stop. I closed my mouth mid sentence.
"I know you do. But I just need more time. I don't want you to be in mourning with me. That's a dumb idea. I want you to be excited and happy. You're graduating high school in a month, you have prom, you have all your golf and Edward's coming home. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please be anxious and fun; it sucks seeing your bright family down with me."
I opened my mouth. And then I shut it. I was stunned. I couldn't think of anything to say in response to her sincere request. I had no idea what do to in this situation.
"But I-" I started to protest. I wouldn't feel right laughing and having fun, cracking jokes with Carlisle and Esme while Alice was in so much pain. It seemed like the last thing I should even consider doing. Alice raised her eyebrows and finished my sentence for me.
"-you have Edward coming home tomorrow. It's April, and you haven't seem him since October. Dammit Bella, don't make him come to you moping. It's not fair to either of you. Be as happy and excited as you possibly can be." Her voice cracked noticeably at the end. I swallowed back a bubble in my throat as Alice made her speech fiercely, her eyes shining with unshed tears. I guess she was trying to tell me that I had to accept that I wasn't going to be able to do more.
She just needed Jasper.
It had only been six weeks.
But I had to check, for selfish reasons. "Are you sure?"
Alice nodded vigorously, almost smiling. "Positive. It's impossible to try and feel better if no one else is showing happiness."
I gave her a small smile. "It's good to have you back Al."
I could see things starting to get better even that night. Alice came down to eat dinner with the family and made small talk with a very surprised Esme. I even joined the conversation at occasional on with pride as the three of us had a conversation, a normal one.
We were not talking like nothing had happened. None of us would ever forget Alice and Jasper's baby boy. We just were trying to move on with life and deal with the pain. Not forget about it.
I felt almost guilty at how easy it was for me to become even more excited. The day of Edward's arrival I was practically dancing around the house. It was the last month of senior year. None of the teachers taught anything at all. Well, except my math teacher, but he knew he was doing so in vain. I talked to them and got the entire Wednesday off of school, and all of Friday as well. I was on cloud nine as I was making the familiar drive to the airport.
Not going to lie. I did in fact spend an hour picking out an outfit to wear for the occasion. In the end I had selected a pair of dark denim skinny jeans and a cute navy top with a black belt snuggly on my waist. I also put on a little make up before I started driving. I was very bored and antsy the entire drive. But then again, I always was.
It felt like déjà vu. I had only really driven to pick him up from the airport once, Carlisle had done so the other time. But as I was finding a parking spot and walking through the terminals and security, I couldn't help but feel the butterflies that I had felt 10 months ago when I was first picking him up. I was just as eager as I had been then.
For twenty minutes I strummed my fingers against the arm rest of the uncomfortable chair. Then I switched positions and bounced my leg for another ten, keeping my eyes peeled for the airplane to taxi in. Five minutes of foot tapping and butterfly attacks later, a large commercial plane leisurely taxied down the air strip towards the terminal.
I jumped to my feet when people started to flow out of the doorway. So much had occurred since I had last been on my tip toes searching for my soldier. Finally, following two business men came the camo clothes I had been dying to see. As soon as I recognized Edward I ran through the chairs and other people. I didn't care about causing a scene. In that moment there was nothing -and I mean absolutely nothing- that could have kept me away from him. Edward dropped his duffel bag and caught me as I threw myself at him and wrapped my arms tightly around his body, my legs going around his waist.
I held him tightly against me, his own arms holding me snuggly. I took a long inhale of his smell, which always seemed to make him real to me. Then I closed my eyes and nuzzled my face in the crook of his neck, a giant smile gracing my face. I felt all the curves of his muscles around me, I felt the familiar beating of his heart against me, and I heard the laugh that I would die a thousand times over just to hear.
With a huge beam I moved my head away from him so I could get a good look at his face. His green eyes were shining as he grinned his crooked grin with thrill. He leaned his face towards mine and I met my lips to his with months of built up love and intense passion.
If you personally are not in love with a soldier, you've probably only had one first kiss. But if you did have the fortune of loving a soldier, than you know what it's like. Every time Edward came home from Iraq and we were reunited, I got my first kiss, over and over again. And each time, it grew more and more special.
As I kissed him, and he kissed me back with as much passion and enthusiasm. I let out everything I had been dealing with for the past few months. I let out of all my frustration, my loneliness, my longing and my unexpressed love. I knew as our lips met in a beautiful struggle, that this was why I did it. I loved a sergeant because nights without him all seemed to be forgotten as soon as his arms were wrapped around me.
We regretfully broke apart. I held his face in my hands and rested my forehead against his, closing my eyes and breathing rapidly. When I opened them Edward was grinning joyfully at me.
"Hi," he said cheerfully, his voice with a hint of comedy due to the fact neither of us never really knew how to start a conversation.
I giggled softly. "Hey."
"You're so fucking beautiful," he breathed, taking me in. I rolled my eyes, but grinned nonetheless. He shifted so that he was supporting me with one arm and touched his other hand gently to my cheek. I smiled adoringly.
"I missed you."
Edward chuckled and kissed me lightly. "Story of my life babe."
I gave him a small smile, glad to hear his laugh again. "I hate when you're gone." Irrelevant point.
Edward looked me square in the eye with fond warmth. "Distance only makes you more beautiful."
I laughed and rolled my eyes once more. "How long have you been thinking of that line?" I mocked playfully.
Edward grinned sheepishly. "Since January," he admitted adorably.
I laughed and hugged him closer again. "Wow, I just set that right up for you didn't I?"
"I know!" Edward agreed enthusiastically, "thank you for that." I shook my head in amazement of him.
"Come on, let's go home." I had literally dreamed about saying those words to him. I knew he wasn't home for good, but a week with him was what I desperately needed.
Edward smiled with such subtle brilliance that it melted my heart. "You don't know how good it sounds to hear you say that." I hesitantly let my legs slip from around him and he helped, lowering me down onto my feet. I left my hands on each of his face, unwilling to break the moment.
I smiled slightly before looking at him intensely. My thumbs continued to softly stroke his smooth jaw. "Edward, you can't keep leaving me. I feel so monstrously selfish, but when you come back again for good, you're sticking with me whether you like it or not."
Edward returned my serious look with a smothering gaze which would make anyone believe anything he said. His arms wrapped around my waist and he leaned down to rest his forehead on mine. With his green eyes startlingly full of promise he uttered the words I needed to hear.
"I promise."
I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change
Then I remember the pledge you made to me
I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime
Promise of a Lifetime, Kutless
Long IMPORTANT Author's Note: I know it's been awhile since I've update, but fall sports have begun (I'm giving tennis the good ole' college try) and five hour practices daily have not help my case. However, thats a meaningless excuse. I've become discouraged with this stories over the months, and though it hasn't been fair to you, I have not been giving it my all.
-This is will most likely be my last fanfiction. I need to test my abilites as a writer to see if I can create my own story with my own characters, and I've had an idea festering in my head for months now. It needs to be written. And I'm really no longer a huge fan of Twilight.
-I will try have the rest of this story posted completely within two weeks. I've written everything...except the last chapter...
-And finally, thank you all for your kind words, PMs checking to see if I'm alive, and amazing response to Chapter 38! I love you all(:
