For those of you on Twitter, you know that one my friend's had heart failure 2 weeks ago, his heart was working at 10% and his left ventricle had shut down. The weeks that followed have been hell. But, since God works in funny ways and knew that you guys needed an update, his surgery went better than anyone could have ever hoped and he does not need the transplant. Personally, I probably would have beat the kid otherwise...(; So without further ado, this chapter's for you Bryant!
I looked out around the barren desert landscape for the last time while the guys slowly shuffled into the plane, each of us dealing with the surreal and strange occasion that this was. The sky was a deep red and the sun was a dark yellow as it started its rise into the sky. I stared around me at the night, trying to hide the pain.
This dry, God forsaken land, this land of war had been my home for the better part of three years. I couldn't fathom not coming back in a few weeks. It was hard to grasp that I was leaving Iraq for good. Change is always hard, even if it is for the better. I sucked at change, I hated it. I couldn't help but feel torn as I sighed and gave the flat landscape a small smile and a nod, as if to say, "It's been good, take care of yourself." It was irrational, but I couldn't stop the pang in my chest as I walked up the ramp and boarded the plane.
I took a seat in the large plane with Emmett on my left and Jasper on my right. We were in a large army plane where the soldiers sat on the sides verses in the middle. The last of the guys from our unit had walked onto the plane and the door was being closed, sealing us away from the outside.
We had a long 13 hour flight ahead of us, and though our emotions varied, none us seemed to feel the need to fill the silence with meaningless talk. I had literally dreamt about this day. The day where I could finally go home back to Bella. Now that it was here, I was finding that it was going to be more difficult than I had originally thought.
Leaving my squad would be like leaving my family. I wasn't even that sentimental. But when you live with these guys, and you go out to war with them, you form a bond so strong that it seems nearly impossible to break. I have faced death and suffering with these brave men and women next to me. You can't go through the stuff we have and not become brothers.
My head fell back against the wall of the plane and my eyes closed, not caring to look around at all the other soldiers, going through the same thing as me. We were all elated to finally be going home, but the sadness that had come with the day seemed to have taken us all back.
Private Daniel Hayden's face drifted into my mind. He had been 19 when he died from that IED explosion. The kid had had everything to live for and it was taken unfairly away from him last year. He wasn't coming home with us. He wasn't going to step off the plane to the cheers of his girlfriend and parents. He had come home last year, with an American flag draped over him.
I wasn't sure how I was going to adjust to my life as a civilian. I imagined it was going to be difficult to step out of the sergeant mindset that I had been in for such a long time. Honestly, it was freaking me out. I hadn't been in the real world for so long, and when I had it had been with Bella.
The thought made me open my eyes again and smile a little bit. Bella. That was the only thought not causing me to go into a serious freak out. I was finally going home to Bella. That alone seemed like an impossible concept to grasp.
I was going to where she was, and where she was, was home. I didn't have to do a fucking thing to feel good when I was with her. I was going from the pain of missing her to a different kind of pain.
Home. Before I met Bella, I wouldn't have been able to say exactly where that was for me. But now, I knew exactly where home was. Home was where I belong, where Bella's love is all I'll ever need in the world. When I'm with her, nothing else in the world matters.
I wasn't running away, or turning my back on the army. I had done my duty to my country, and if I may say so , I had done a hell of a job. I was going home because I was tired of it all. Just because I was going to miss it, doesn't mean that it wasn't time. I didn't regret joining the army, I would never forget all that I had saw and done with these brave people. But it was getting old, so I'm going home.
I was so fucking excited to see Bella. God, I loved that woman more than anything in the world. I would fucking die for her. She deserved so much more than me. I would spend the rest of my life trying to make up for all the time of her life that I've missed in the past two years.
I loved everything about her, as cliché as that sounds. I couldn't imagine being with anyone who didn't have the sarcasm that my girl did. She was absolutely the kindest (whether she'd agree or not) person I've ever known. She's so smart, and funny and damn. If she wasn't the most beautiful thing in the world.
And she was strong. I don't know how the hell she's been able to do it for so long, be with me while I'm still gone. When people say "Army Strong," I've come to believe that they're not even talking about soldiers or our physical strength; they're talking about the women who love us.
It would be a lie to say that I didn't think about Bella for the next hour. The time seemed to be slowly down, just because the universe was amused by my anxiety. The miles seemed to be getting longer, the closer I got to Bella.
I don't know why. I don't know how I was in anyway worthy of Bella's love. But I'm so, so fucking glad she gave me a try. The closer we got to Camp Shelby, the closer I was getting back to my heart.
oOo
I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be, I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card; I am not a dependent or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.
I have promised to be here for him upon his return no matter how long he is away. They may say I am insane for making such a commitment, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe. I know well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.
There is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where I love you and I'm okay speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.
I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, and every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off and start a new day.
I was tired of that being my life. And now, in just a few short hours, it wouldn't have to be anymore.
Alice, Rosalie and I were all flying down to Camp Shelby because our soldiers were all final coming home.
They told us not to fly all the way down to Mississippi because they wouldn't be released from duty and able to go home for a little bit of time because they wanted to make sure that none of the soldiers show signs of Post Traumatic Stress. But honestly, none of us could even imagine being anywhere than waiting for them.
We had all woken up at like five in the morning and Esme had driven us to the airport. Normally being woken up at five in the morning would leave me in a very crabby mood. But today, today I could go around singing and skipping I was so excited. Alice was happier than I had seen her in months and Rose…well Rose was impatient as hell. But nevertheless happy.
I smiled to myself and looked out the small window of the plane to see blue skies and puffy white clouds. There had been quite a lot of bickering about who would get the window seat. I won the argument after I pointed out to Rose that if the plane suddenly went plummeting down to earth and crashed, landing on the side that I was sitting on, she would live about .2 seconds more than me.
Somewhere else high in the skies Edward was flying to Mississippias well. The thought was kind of…cool for lack of a better word. It was hard to believe that after all these months he was finally coming home. My leg could not stop bouncing at the thought.
Over the past two years, I couldn't help but think that I had become a different person. I mean, I was obviously still the same to people who didn't know me that well. I still played soccer, golf, I was an A student, I was still sarcastic as hell. But somehow in the course of events, I had grown up.
For one thing…I now cry over about anything; now I'm not entirely sure if that means that I've grown up, or rather gone up on the teenage hormone scale.
Almost every time I get a letter from Edward, I tear up or start full out sobbing. Maybe it's because of the beautiful way he writes, or the fact that I know he's still okay or just hearing that he misses me. I can start crying at the blink of an eye now. When I'm watching the TV and one of those army recruitment commercials begins to play, I start crying because of fucking proud of him I am.
I never really was one for going out frequently, or even going out for the night in the first place. But now I would rather spend a Friday night trying to write the perfect letter to my sergeant, or making a list of things to send to him in a care package for him and his squad.
I don't spend hardly any time on my appearance any longer. I mean yeah, I still wash my hair, shave, put on some make up and call it good. But I don't really care what the hell I look like when I go to school. I don't need to look pretty for the guys in my high school. The only guy I want to look pretty for is miles away, and he doesn't give a damn if I'm wearing make up or not. Teenage girls are always insecure, some less than others. After Edward and I fell in love…I just don't feel that anymore.
Humans are selfish creatures. And I don't claim to be any less; in fact I'm probably more seeing as how I just always want Edward. But I don't just worry about myself anymore. I don't worry about what might happen to me. I worry about Edward and if he's okay. I would give anything to make sure that he stayed safe. It's impossible just to think of myself anymore.
Being in love with a soldier…you learn to appreciate the little things in life, because to me, a three minute phone call with Edward can make me happy for an entire week. Or a short email simply saying "I miss you."
I've also grown more tolerant of being woken up in the middle of the night…if that counts for anything.
My musings were interrupted byAlice's very loud and impatient huff from next to me. I looked over at her with a raised eyebrow, inviting a rant if she wanted to. My eyes went to her fingers that were strumming the armrest at a constant rhythm.
"I haven't seen Jasper since November. You just saw Edward like a month ago. So not fair," she complained, looking excited and annoyed at the same time.
"Well you've spent more time with my boyfriend in the past than I have in my life," I retorted testily. Alice had served with him for months before we met and months after. I had only had about six weeks of face time with the man whom I have undying love for.
But so much had happened in that six weeks. I wouldn't change any of it for the world. I had experienced so much with him, and I was so eager to continue my life with him.
Alice shook her head and her eyes glazed over with a wistful thought, "If you think you're sexually deprived, look at me!"
"You got me there…" I admitted. Alice and I shared a knowing cat like grin. The day I could make love to Edward and fall asleep knowing he wasn't going to leave soon would be the day I could die of happiness.
Being with Edward intimately was incredible. I loved it. But there was almost nothing worse than trying to force the thought that this could be the last time out of your head. It did awful things to your mind and made it so much easier to freak out.
"You two can stop whining when I'm over here a total virgin!" Rosalie complained crossing her arms but doing nothing to stop her bouncing leg.
"Really?" Alice and I asked simultaneously. I had assumed they'd done it months ago. I was now remotely curious. I say remotely because Rosalie's sex life –or rather lack of- didn't directly affect on my life.
"What about prom?"Alice asked, an eyebrow rose. I was leaning around Alice to give her my own eye brow raise.
Rosalie scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Really? Lose virginity on prom night? I'm not that cliché," she declared, indignant. Fair point.
Who woulda thought that I, Bella Swan, would lose my virginity before Rose did. Wouldn't have seen that one coming. I smirked at Rose.
"That does suck for you." I was sympathetically amused.
"God I miss him," Rose sighed, shaking her head with a fond smile on her face.
I hummed in agreement. "Tell me about it," Alice sighed. She rested her elbow on the armrest and put her chin in her hand staring across me out the window.
I was proud of Alice. She had come so far since Riley's stillbirth. Riley. Giving him a name made him impossible to ever forget. And while I knew that she was doing okay, all she really needed was Jasper. She had gone through so much in the past nine months. She had gotten pregnant, then blown up, managing to break a respectable amount of bones and get discharged from the army. Then she actually discovered she was pregnant and went through that before she lost the baby. She had managed to do all of this shit without Jasper by her side.
I went through my fair share amount too. Don't get me wrong, I paled in comparison toAlice…and I was totally okay with that. I couldn't even fathom how I would have done it.
But I did have a lot happening in the past year. I successfully got past my father's 40th birthday (though Edward admittedly had been a big part of that,) I had gotten through Edward getting shot, my best friend getting pregnant, senior prom where I discovered my boyfriend was an heir to the mafia, and gotten involved in an FBI investigation. I was kick ass. I didn't care what anyone else said.
The rest of our flight into Mississippi passed by with not much excitement. Well, that wasn't the right wording, we were all extremely excited, but nothing much happened on the plane.
Edward's flight was due in at 1. It was about 10:30 when our flight landed. Two hours was such a small time period, but it felt like a life time away. I was so excited to see him again. I had missed him more than anything, as redundant as that sounded. My stomach was a flutter knowing that I would be seeing him soon.
Carlisle had helped us arrange for a black SUV rental to be waiting for us at the airport, so all we had to do was navigate to the car (easier said than done.) But we finally found the vehicle and threw our bags in before piling in. Alice volunteered to drive since she knew the area pretty well. Personally, I wanted to be the one driving because then I would be doing something. Instead I was left to sit in the passenger seat and strum my fingers.
Whenever I went to pick up Edward I felt a sense of déjà vu from the first time that I did, last June. I still remembered that like it was yesterday. I would never forget it. I would never forget the intense anxiety I felt waiting for his plane to be called. One of the reasons I would never forget was because I was currently experiencing the same feeling, just as intense, maybe even more. My heart was pounding already and my body felt like it had an electric surge going through it.
Before I knew it, Alice was pulling into a parking spot on the side of road behind another car that was slowing down and parking. I looked around, startled. I had been in my own little world until then. Now I was taking a chance to look around at all the cars parked literally all over. People were getting out with excited faces that matched my own.
I had done my best to look patriotic and fit in with the rest of the well wishers. I had worn a pair of dark and modestly short denim jeans with a red tank top and a tied white light cardigan over that with a blue belt on my waist. Alice and Rose were also sporting America's colors.
With a shared smile we all got out of the rental and started following the herd to where everyone had gathered and where the buses would be pulling up. It was the most positive energy I had ever felt. Everyone was bubbly and eager to see their sons, daughters, husbands, boyfriends, wives, sisters and brothers. As we joined the mass it was impossible not to keep a smile off of your face when looking around at everyone else's beams.
A woman with chest nut hair who looked about 30 had come over to where we were. She had a small little girl on her hip that was looking around. Alice had advised us to stand towards the back of the crowd, much to our dismay. We weren't wives or mothers, and from her warning, mom's could get pretty frightening if someone was blocking their way. The woman smile energetically at us and gave each of us a small American flag as many others were currently holding.
"First time?" she asked with happy empathy. Rosalie and I laughed quietly and nodded.
"Are we that obvious?" Rose asked as I smiled at the little girl. She giggled and ducked to her mom's shoulder before peaking back. Alice smiled and kept it together.
The woman smiled and shook her head assuringly. "This little girl is meeting her dad for the first time," she told, looking down at her daughter. The baby had the biggest brown eyes which were sparkling obliviously.
It was amazing. I couldn't even imagine having a child alone while my husband was deployed. God, that man must be even antsier than I was. He was about to meet his daughter for the first time. How incredible was that?
Alice was about to comment in response but as soon as she opened her mouth she was interrupted by a loud police siren. Abruptly, huge cheers broke out among the crowd of easily hundreds of people. Everyone crowded to look down the highway in hopes of seeing the buses. The American flags were waving up in the air like crazy and the crowd was cheering.
I of course being 5'3 couldn't see anything, I could only cheer and wave like everyone else, trying to get control of my racing heart. It was pounding steadily and hard against my chest making the butterflies in my stomach go even crazier. I stood on my tip toes trying to catch a glimpse of the approaching buses.
The next few seconds seemed like an eternity. Before I knew it and before I could form any conscious thoughts in my mind, two police officers on motorcycles pulled up in front of the crowd followed by two buses. I tried again in vain to see. I was pleasantly surprised when I realized that I could see the door of the bus opening.
You know those mosh pits in high school dances? Those crazy swarming masses? Well you should try being in the middle of a soldier's family and friends trying to get to them. It was absolutely insane. As soon as a soldier stepped off any of the buses he or she was greeted by an enormous round of applause before their family was able to get through and attack them with hugs.
Seeing soldier after soldier being reunited with their family was easily the powerful thing I had ever in my life witnessed.
A soldier had found his way over to where we were and was met with the chest nut haired woman flying herself at him. I watched as tears flowed down both of their faces, complete strangers to me. I couldn't help but shiver as they broke apart enough for the man to look in awe at his daughter who was staring up at her father curiously. I was surprised by the lump in my throat that began to form at the sight of him taking the baby into his camo wearing arms.
I had to tear my gaze away from the scene because I sure as hell did not want to miss Edward getting off that bus. Two more soldiers got off the bus and found their families before the three of us watched Jasper step down the stairs of the bus. I had never seen Alice so happy. He was looking around the spread out crowd before his gaze locked on Alice. Before anybody could blink, Alice took off rushing towards him. Rosalie and I watched in awe as the two of them reached and Alice threw her arms around his neck.
I looked back towards the bus, not wanting Alice's soldier to distract me from my own. And sure enough, just taking a step down the stairs was Edward. He had a crooked smile at the cheering that he was met with and like Jasper, he scanned the ground looking for me. My heart stopped when my eyes locked with his. He beamed brightly at me, but I was too busy rushing forward to notice.
Nothing in the world could have stopped me from getting to him. And I mean than. I had never been more determined to be in his arms than I was in that moment.
Edward rushed towards me as well and we collided, desperately hugging one another. I threw my arms around his neck and held him to me with more strength than I knew capable. Edward's arms were around all the way around my waist and pulled me impossibly close to him.
All of my worries and fears and loneliness that had accumulated over the past year all dissolved as we clung onto each other. I felt truly safe in his arms as he held to me to him as if I were the most precious thing in the world. His arms around mine were the only thing that mattered.
Neither of us said anything, because honestly, none of us could find the words to say. But the thing was... no words were needed. I don't know how long we stood there, holding each other as if were all that each other had in the world. Time continued around us, but in that moment the world had stopped for the two of us. Only one thing mattered.
My soldier was finally home.
I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.
I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.
The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.
Home, Daughtry
*You can thank Daughtry for all the inspiration their songs gave me for this chapter.
Maybe the only chapter I've teared up while editting. God damn I love these guys.
This isn't the end...maybe, I'm wistfully thinking it should be. Ya know, I could write an epilogue or final chapter or a wrap up of the mafia (I think it'll be an epi/outtake)? I'm not really happy with the chapters I've wrote following this and I'm thinking I might do some change up. I'll have to think about it. Hit me up with a review or on Twitter telling me what you think.
I hope you understand why EPOV is rather short. It wouldn't feel right to me to have their reunion in anyone's head but Bella.
I would love thoughts on this chapter! (Sorry for the weirdly long author's note:)
