Okay guys, I'm going to get a little personal here. I've been one of the smartest people in the room my whole life. Quantifiably, I am a genius. That's not bragging, that's telling the truth. I've had my IQ tested. Not saying what it is, but I am a genius. I've never had difficulty in school. I have put in minimal effort and consistently made As and Bs.
This is why it is incredibly distressing to me when I can't understand something. I have cried exactly three times in my entire school career over not understanding my homework. Two of them were in elementary school. One of them was tonight. I was sobbing for nearly two hours trying to do an assignment that I only managed to get a low C on.
I was really down and really upset with myself and my abilities. However I went and read the reviews you guys have posted on my stories for today and on chapters past and I felt so much better about myself. It really means a lot to me to hear how much you like my stuff and I hope you all know that.
Chapter 13 - The Subject
"I hear you stood up Stark last night," Erskine said drily. The pair of us were in my car and I was driving us back to Camp Lehigh after the Expo, ready to get back to work.
I winced. "Ah, maybe a little," I admitted sheepishly. "He told you?"
"No, he staggered up to my room about midnight and complained about how you were supposed to keep him from getting too drunk to find his room. He passed out on my couch."
I was torn between the urge to laugh and the urge to wince. "Sorry about that," I said, voice shaking with suppressed laughter. I could just imagine Erskine opening the door and Howard staggering in, complaining loudly before toppling over onto the furniture and passing out.
"He said you ran off with a friend," Erskine continued to press leadingly. "A male friend."
I scowled slightly and glanced at Erskine. "You're being nosy," I accused.
Erskine shrugged apologetically. "I am an old man who spends most of his life shut away in a laboratory with my test tubes. Humor me."
I was skeptical about the old man bit – Erskine couldn't have been past his mid-forties by much – but I didn't see the harm. Better to tell him than to have him mention to Peggy that I was gallivanting across Brooklyn with a random man and have her descend on me for answers.
"You remember Bucky Barnes?" I asked him.
Erskine nodded. "Ah yes, the man who was always walking you around camp."
"I ran into him at the expo. He ships out tomorrow and he wanted to talk. We went to park nearby and chatted for a while, then he walked me back to my room."
I still remembered the trip back, with Bucky holding me tucked against his side to protect me from the chill. He'd insisted on walking me all the way up to my room and he'd lingered there until I was safely inside. Just before I'd gone in, he'd caught me by the hand and pulled me close, planting a kiss on top of my head just like he'd done before he left Camp Lehigh.
I smiled slightly, remembering the surprised look we'd both worn when I rose up on my toes and kissed his stubbled cheek in reply before darting into my room and shutting the door behind me.
"You're blushing, fraulein," Erskine pointed out.
"I am not," I disagreed, but I knew it was a lie. Quickly, I changed the subject. "Did you have any luck at the recruiting office?"
"I did," Erskine said eagerly, reaching down to his briefcase in the floorboard. He tugged it into his lap and pulled out a file. "I believe I have found the one!"
I blinked, looking at Erskine in surprise. I hadn't expected that. Erskine had been very particular about the qualities he wanted in his test subject; a person who was a good man before he was a good soldier. Someone that the military couldn't just point and shoot and whoever they wanted, but who would consider whether or not the gun even needed to be fired.
"What makes him so special?" I asked curiously.
"He's tried five times to enlist, using a different place of birth every time," Erskine said, flipping open the file. "I asked him if he wanted to go overseas and kill Nazis that badly. Do you know what he said?"
I shook my head, not sure what answer to that question could have gotten Erskine so excited. "No idea."
"He said he didn't want to kill anyone. He just didn't like bullies, no matter where they were from."
I smiled at that. Of course, that was a perfect answer. We would be giving a man with strength and speed that no one could hold a candle too – Erskine's fear was essentially that we would be creating a perfect bully, one who could not be challenged, and, worse, one who knew it. Someone who wasn't interested in throwing punches but who was interested in justice? That was exactly who we needed.
"Why did he try five times?" I asked Erskine curiously. "Why didn't he get accepted?"
"Health concerns, a whole slew of them in fact," Erskine said, frowning at the file in his hands.
"Tell me?" I requested, and he started to read.
"Asthma, scarlet fever, rheumatic fever, sinusitis, chronic or frequent colds, high blood pressure, palpitation or pounding in heart, easy fatigability, heart trouble, nervous trouble of any sort, has had household contact with tuberculosis, parent/sibling with diabetes, cancer, and heart disease." Erskine closed the file with snap and looked at me. My eyes had gone wider and wider with each new problem.
"Lawsie," I breathed, "no wonder they wouldn't let him in. Can someone like that even make it through basic?"
Erskine looked at the file contemplatively. "If he can't, then he is not the person I think he is."
I looked at Erskine pointedly. "Phillips will fight this, you know he will. Taking an asthmatic in and giving him a shot at your serum? He's been pushy the big, brawny types since the beginning."
"Luckily, he doesn't make the final call. And I expect your help in convincing him," Erskine added.
I chuckled. "What, you want me to pull out my sad eyes and coo about how this guy is perfect. What's his name, anyway?" I asked curiously.
"Maybe not that," Erskine chuckled. "His name is Steven Grant Rogers."
I nearly crashed the car I flinched so hard. Thank god we were travelling the back roads and there was no one around, because it took me a second to get the car straightened out.
"Meine gott!" Erskine cried once I'd straightened us out. He was clutching onto the door with both hands. "What happened?"
"S-Steven Rogers?" I repeated faintly. My ears were ringing.
It hadn't even been a full day since I promised Bucky to look out for Steve, and now he was involved in an experiment that could very well kill him. My heart raced and my head pounded and I had to breathe slowly and carefully to fight down the protective urge to just snarl at Erskine to find someone else.
"You know him," Erskine said softly, realizing why I was panicked. "Gott in himmel, Josie, I'm-"
My grip on the steering wheel tightened and I gritted my teeth. "Not your fault," I bit out. "You didn't know. H-How…" My voice was shaking. I took a beat and swallowed once or twice, trying to moisten my suddenly dry mouth. "How high does the likelihood of survival have to be before we start testing?"
Erskine hesitated. "Josie, don't do this to yourself…"
"I already know the answer," I reminded him sharply. "I just… I need to hear it."
Erskine sighed. "Seventy-five percent. I can probably push for eighty before we begin, but…"
He didn't have to say 'but.' I knew what the problem was. The government was getting antsy. They'd been promised super soldiers and damn it, they wanted their super soldiers. This project had already been in the works for over a year with just a couple of extra-strong lab rats to show for it and a bill that was dripping red. If we took much longer then our funding would be pulled and I knew that as much as he liked me, as much as Erskine wanted to preserve life and as much as he didn't want Steve to die, he would have no choice but to go ahead with human testing or risk the project being dismantled or taken out from under his supervision.
"And where are we now?" I asked quietly.
"…"
"Abraham, please," I begged.
"Sixty-three," he said softly. He reached out, placing a hand on my upper arm. "Josie, it's not a bad chance, all things considered. It's a three in four shot he'll survive, and that's even if I can't get them to accept eighty…"
"That's still a one in four shot he won't survive," I retorted. "And that's… that's not good enough."
I had to consciously keep myself from gripping the steering wheel even tighter. I could already feel the wood starting to creak and snap under my hands. My mind was spinning with ideas. If I could get Erskine and Phillips to push for eighty-five, ninety… no, there were no place for bleeding hearts in this project and that's what they'd be told when they went to Senate with the request. I could ask Howard to keep the fact that he'd solved the energy problem secret – but he'd already reported it.
I could…
I paused. I could. What could I do personally that would raise Steve's chances at survival? The answer presented itself immediately but it made me sick to consider it. It wasn't my secret alone to tell, did I even have the right? But if it would keep Steve alive, then did I have the right not to say anything?
I stopped the car, pulled off the side of the road, and turned the engine off. Erskine looked at me in surprise.
"Josie?"
"There's something you need to know."
Gott in himmel – God in heaven
