Hold my gaze, love; you know I want to let it go
We will stare down at the wonder of it all
And I… I will hold you in it
And I… I will hold you in it
Been wondering for days,
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanting ways,
I want to look you in the eye
'Cause you were all I ever longed for
Been wondering for days,
How you felt me slip you mind
Leave behind your wanting ways
I want to learn in love and kind
'Cause you were all I ever longed for
*Mumford & Sons – The Wolf*
Fox felt tears well up in his eyes as he approached the headstone engraved with his last name on it for the umpteenth time since the ceremony only a few hours ago. It pained him to even think about the headstone, and it absolutely killed him from the inside knowing the both his mother and father were under that stone. It was a beautifully crafted headstone, with a wonderful red-brown granite color and exquisite craftsmanship, but it didn't raise his spirit at all. His parents were still confined underneath it.
It took one week. One week for his entire life to fall apart. In a span of one week he had lost both of his parents and a great friend. It was a roller coaster of emotions, one he never thought in his entire lifetime he'd ever have to deal with. One week. One painful, emotionally exhausting week.
James' funeral service was an interesting one to say the least. Even with the terrible things that he had done but eventually reconciled for, he was given a hero's burial service. He was a hero, but not in this particular war. Like Pepper said, he was a legendary pilot; one that could never be replaced so easily. He had done numerous heroic things to give him the title of a modern day Cornerian hero, but with the war they are now dubbing the "First Contact" war, he could have been much greater than he was. He could have been considered immortal if he was on the correct side, but unfortunately, everyone has their flaws.
Fox nearly cringed as Nathan's words about his father's flaws echoed in his mind. The tears welled over his eyelids and traced a path down his cheek, not stopping until the trail got to the base of his jawline.
He reached into his shirt and pulled out the small golden chain and matching cross charm, then clutched it tightly as he let his head hang low and let a whimper surface. Even though his father and mother were lying peacefully just under the topsoil, he couldn't help but feel hopeless. Both of his parents were long gone, and the worst part was there was no warning in the slightest. He had no anticipation of his mother being brutally thrown from a tree, and no expectance of his own brother killing his father.
God; that hurt. That really did hurt him. He saw the entire thing from the window of the Destroyer, and he couldn't believe his heart could split so many times. The first split was the Great Fox's final moments airborne, the second was his father's unexpected swing in emotions for yet a third time in the last week, and the final literal nail in the coffin was his own brother putting a laser right over his father's eye.
What pained him the most out of everything was that he couldn't blame Wolf in the slightest for shooting him. He couldn't blame anyone for that matter, and that pinned up anger he couldn't force on anyone was slowly dripping out of his eyes onto the grave below. He kept hearing his father say that he wasn't in his right mind during almost the entire duration of the war, and just when he finally regained his ideal mental state, it collapsed faster than his own corpse yet again.
Why did he have to think about it? Every second of thinking about his father's last moments only caused more tears to well up in his eyes and dump out onto his auburn furred cheeks, much like a bursting levee during an intense rainstorm. He couldn't stop the tears. As much as he wanted to just say his final goodbye to his parents and walk away, he couldn't bring himself to. He couldn't bring himself to do a lot of things, and one in particular was a main cause of his tears.
Although in his last hour, James had reconciled his faults and mistakes and became a slate that had been attempted to be wiped clean but still had streaks of ink all over it, Fox still was doubtful of its legitimacy. He knew his father had lost his mind after his kit had voluntarily left the comfort of his attempted care for yet a second time in the same short week, but did he ever regain it? Was his fault admission just a ruse to escape the pain? Fox still didn't know. All he knew was that he donned the skepticism towards his father just as he mentioned the supposed apparition of his mother, and ever since then he still couldn't wholeheartedly believe his conversion. He greatly appreciated the apology towards him and Wolf, but was it actually a genuine apology? Did he sincerely mean it, or was it, again, a ruse just to get Wolf to relinquish his kit back to him? Another way out of the pain?
James had done too many wrong and senseless things, and Fox knew it. James himself said it; he started the war. He caused the conflicts and instigated the pain, and the worst part about it was that they were impulsive and unthoughtful retaliatory actions. He just wanted revenge, and a revenge mentality in Fox's eyes didn't deserve a hero's burial. His cold-blooded murder of his human friend didn't merit a huge service when his karma finally caught up with him. Although Fox absolutely loved his father, he still couldn't actually love him, and that's what caused his immense sadness.
And why should he? He tried to kill his own brother, and succeeded in killing numerous people he cared about and had friendships with. He really wasn't a hero, and it pained the little vulpine to not think of his father as a hero. It's every father's dream to have their son regard them as a hero, and Fox did for a very long time, but it took one week to change it. One bloody, heartless, chaotic week.
Fox wasn't crying because his father was killed. He was crying because his father died, and he couldn't feel sorry for him. It pained him to think this way, but to be frankly honest his father deserved it. A broken, insane, emotionally scarred man that had no sincere remorse for causing hell upon everyone didn't deserve to be called a hero. Fox loved his father, but didn't love his father's actions over that terrible week. As much as it killed him to admit it, but he couldn't genuinely love his father with his entire heart. There were too many instances of him blatantly breaking his relations with his family just to get revenge, and even when he tried to apologize for it, he went straight back to that mentality after his warship got destroyed. It was like he had no compassion towards anyone, and that selfishness got him killed.
There were too many things James did wrong, and Fox never fully forgave him. He had his regrets of not telling his father how much he loved him, but the fact that he couldn't be truthful about saying it made the tears flow even more. That was his father buried under his feet, and he couldn't sincerely tell him he loved him. He couldn't forgive him, even when it was too late. It hurt.
Fox produced a small red flower from his pocket, and as another tear dripped off of his nose he knelt down and placed it right between both James' and Vixy's names that were engraved on the beautiful headstone. He nearly let a sob escape his muzzle as he stood back up, then closed his eyes and let another waterfall of emotions flow down his auburn furred cheeks.
Without a moment's hesitation after the tears subsided, he reached behind his back and pulled his sleek black guitar down and into his paws. After wiping away the tears, he flicked a switch, and this time he needed no warmup as he was already strumming.
This time, however, he started off fast, but the real tempo of the song was lowered in his actual playing because of his emotions. He couldn't bring himself to play a fast song just yet, but he still stretched it with a relatively newer song that he had just unofficially mastered the chords to. He managed to go even slower with his tempo as the strings quieted, and in the first time in over a week, he finally started singing.
"Wide-eyed…" he started quietly, almost in a whisper, continuously strumming the strings slowly. "With a heart made full of fright… Your eyes follow like tracers in the night…"
Another tear formed and flowed down his cheek, but he disregarded the emotions and continued his personal concert for his father. He remembered he requested playing a song for him a long while back, and although he was too late to hear it physically, he still could watch from the heavens; watching his kit put his entire heart into his words and strings. It was the only way for him to express his love for him, was to play him a song as he requested long before he lost his mind and his relationships. Plus, Fox himself felt better when he could put his emotions into playing. It soothed him quite a bit.
"And the tightrope… …that you wander every time… You have been waiting, you have been found wanting."
He started to pick up speed, nodding his head as if he was hearing the drums in his head again, and in a slightly louder voice he continued in a very beautiful tune coming from his younger voice.
"Been wondering for days, how you felt me slip your mind… Leave behind your wanting ways, I want to learn in love in kind… Cause you were all I ever longed for…"
After finishing the last word, he slipped into a much louder instrumental portion of the song, and he couldn't help but grin as he heard the perfect strings come out of his guitar. He wasn't even aware that he was playing so perfectly; he was just letting his heart play, and his heart was playing flawlessly.
Lowering his voice again, he started up the lyrics once more. "Sheltered… you better keep the wolf back from the door… He wanders ever closer every night… ...And how he waits, baying for blood… I promised you everything would be fine…"
Again, he raised his voice and tempo; playing not from memory, but from his heart, wanting to put on a perfect show for his father to express how sorry he was for not forgiving him.
"Been wondering for days, how you felt me slip your mind… Leave behind your wanting ways, I want you to learn and love in kind… Cause you were all I ever longed for…"
After a split second pause, another much louder set of notes sprang for his guitar; filling the seemingly empty cemetery with the sound of his beautiful song. Seemingly is noted, because the vulpine was so preoccupied with his song that he didn't even realize Vince was standing near his black sedan, listening to the orange vulpine play. He couldn't help but smile at his talent, but also felt a tear form in his eye as he realized who he was singing to.
In the middle of his string of notes, Fox picked his voice up and sang again, but it was noticeably faltering because of his emotional state.
"Hold my gaze love, you know I want to let it go. We will stare down at the wonder of it all and I… I will hold you in it, and I… I will hold you in it."
He suddenly shifted to a much quieter section and sang in an almost inaudible whisper. "Been wondering for days, how you felt me slip your mind… Leave behind your wanting ways, I want to look you in the eye… Cause you were all I ever longed for."
He again shot into the familiar louder riff and sang in his unmistakable voice. "Been wondering for days, how you felt me slip your mind… Leave behind your wanting ways, I want to learn to love and kind… Cause you were all I ever longed for..."
He let the guitar's noise die down as he stood there in silence, staring at his father's gravesite and panting slightly and quietly. As the guitar finally silenced, Fox was startled when Vince finally slipped up and placed a paw over his shoulder. He turned to face him, then almost instantly broke down as he saw the grin, combined with the watery eyes of the white vulpine.
"That was beautiful," Vince remarked softly. "I could tell that song was for your father. It really is heartwarming to see you play for him, even when this happened to him…"
Vince closed his eyes and exhaled silently. "Fox… I'm… I'm so sorry this happened to you."
Fox flipped the guitar onto his back, then immediately lunged forward and hugged the arctic fox, letting tears and sobs that had been withheld for the entire duration of the performance surface. Vince sucked his lips into his muzzle to keep himself from crying, then started to slowly rub Fox's back in a reassuring manner.
"It's okay," he whispered, mostly drowned out by Fox's sobbing. "I know buddy… I know… Your father, he's… he's finally away from the suffering. Away from the pain of this life. He's finally with your mother in a less hectic and painful place, and… I know it's tough, but I know you agree with me."
Fox grunted in affirmation, still with his muzzle buried into Vince's coat.
"I know you loved him a lot," Vince continued. "I don't blame you at all for being upset, because… he was a good friend of mine too. What happened to him shocked me too, but…"
Vince cut himself off once he felt his own cold tear traverse down his cheek. He knelt down, gently picked Fox's head off of his jacket, and then stared into his reddened eyes with his own, trying his best not to cry aloud himself.
"Fox… Your father always told me that if he was ever suddenly killed in combat, and you were too young to care for yourself… I would be responsible for taking care of you."
Fox nodded, obvious that he had this discussion with his father before. Vince attempted a grin to lighten the mood, then continued in a faltering voice.
"I'll never be as good of a fatherly figure as he was, but… I'll try my best to care for you as he would want me to. You and he both considered me family, and… I will make sure to keep that title with me."
Fox managed a grin as he again lunged forward and wrapped his arms around the arctic fox's waist, sniffling into his jacket. Vince rubbed the back of the smaller tod's head and let another cold tear leave his eyes.
"Come on Fox," he started, standing up off the ground. "Let's get you back home."
Fox nodded, but before he chased after the white vulpine he turned back to face his father's and mother's headstone. Taking one more long and longing look at the words engraved into the granite, he lifted up the small golden cross, gave it a tender kiss as he gave one last goodbye to his parents, then spun around and slowly trotted towards the white fox's car. He placed his guitar in the trunk, then slipped into the passenger seat as Vince started the car. As the black sedan was warming up, Vince turned to face the kit once again and gave a forced smile.
Fox gave a half-assed smile back, then let his ears fall back as he dropped his muzzle. "I miss him already," he squeaked pitifully, immediately breaking the older vulpine's heart. Vince almost instantly sniffed, then wiped another stray tear away as he leaned over and laid his paw on his shoulder.
"I do too buddy," he answered, patting him consolingly. "I do to."
You and I in a little toy shop
buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got
Set them free at the break of dawn
'Til one by one, they were gone
Back at base, bugs in the software
Flash the message, "Something's out there"
Floating in the summer sky
Ninety-nine red balloons go by.
Ninety-nine red balloons floating in the summer sky
Panic bells, it's red alert
There's something here from somewhere else
The war machine, it springs to life
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it on the sky
As ninety-nine red balloons go by.
99 Decision Street, ninety-nine ministers meet
To worry, worry – super scurry
Call out the troops now in a hurry
This is what we've waited for
This is it boys, this is war
The president is on the line
As ninety-nine red balloons go by.
Neunundneunzig Kriegsminister – (99 Secretary of War)
Streichholz und Benzinkanister – (Matches and gasoline canisters)
Hielten sich für schlaue Leute – (Professing themselves to be smart people)
Witterten schon fette Beute – (Already weathered fat and easy prey)
Riefen: Krieg und wollten Macht – (Shouted the war and wanted power)
Mann, wer haette das gedacht – (Man who would have thought)
Daß es einmal soweit kommt – (That even if it comes)
Wegen Neunundneunzig Luftballons – (Because of 99 balloons)
Ninety-nine dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon
It's all over and I'm standin' pretty
In the dust that was a city
If I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here
And here it is, a red balloon
I think of you and let it go.
*Goldfinger – 99 Red Balloons*
