As Cosima stumbled her way up the back staircase behind Delphine (who had grabbed a second bottle of wine from behind the bar), she could feel a sense of nostalgia rising in her chest, taking her back to when they were younger and would sneak around, acting like no one could see them. Cosima wasn't even sure what it was she was expecting, agreeing to go upstairs with her, but she wasn't in a place where she wanted to spend too much time picking apart her own decisions. All she needed to know was that at the time, it seemed like a good enough idea. With a few more drinks, it would have seemed an even better idea. She watched Delphine's hands as they fumbled through her keys with both bottles tucked under her arm. before she found the right one, pushing it into the lock. She pushed the door open and Cosima followed her inside, turning to shut the door behind her, leaning against it to steady her head for a moment.
"You're drunk," Delphine mused aloud, setting the bottles down on the counter.
"Am not," Cosima responded, her nose wrinkling as she slid up the door to stand up a bit straighter.
"Tequila was always your weakness."
"M'fine, though," Cosima informed her, placing her hands on her hips, though she swayed a bit, causing her to breathe a giggle.
"Sit," Delphine instructed, pointing to the couch, watching Cosima expectantly as she started to argue, but Delphine silenced her with a finger. "I'm going to get you a cup of coffee and some water."
"How about some wine instead?"
Delphine huffed, folding her arms over her chest as she watched Cosima skeptically. "You know you're going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow, right?"
"Not important," Cosima countered, truly only concerned about drinking more, especially if they were going to be doing any talking. That was an invitation that she could never be drunk enough for.
With a sigh, Delphine uncorked the bottle she had been drinking from and grabbed a pair of glasses from the cabinet, filling them each half way before handing one over to Cosima, who took it happily. She herself had a decent enough buzz going on, but also knew that keeping it going would probably be the best way to get through anything that came next; she was simply covering her bases either way. She moved over to take the seat on the couch, a couple feet of space between them. Her intentions had been honest when she'd asked her if she wanted to talk; there were no ulterior motives that she had for getting her alone. She wanted nothing more than for a chance that the hostilities could melt away, that they might be friends again.
"I'm really glad you're here, Cosima," she said softly, looking over at her.
Cosima sipped at the red liquid for a moment before she glanced back up at the other woman. "I wasn't so glad at first," she admitted rather abruptly. "i was real mad at you."
Delphine felt the words hit her individually and yet, all at once. She had known that when they had come back into one another's lives, it wasn't going to be easy, especially if she wanted to prove that Cosima still meant something to her after so much time. There was no amending for the mistakes she had made, and she accepted that; she knew that she had screwed up beyond repair and yet, she still hoped to somehow make things right. Their lives had progressed, in different directions, yes, but they had still moved forward to this point. However, after a moment of completely overanalyzing her thoughts, she realized that she had missed something; Cosima's tense. "You were," she amended softly. "And I know you probably still are. And… you have every right to be…" She sighed softly, glancing up at the beautiful woman on the other side of her couch. "But I just…" She hesitated, her eyes flickering up to Cosima's, who still had a drunken glow to her, despite the fact that her smile had faded. "I just… please don't cut me out of your life. We did that once already and I… I don't know about you but I don't know if I can take it again."
Cosima's eyes flickered up to Delphine's and her lips pressed into a tight line; she was fighting the part of her that wanted to get angry. "Then why don't we get down to it, then?" Cosima asked, a hint of an edge to her voice. She took another gulp from the wine glass before setting it down on the coffee table. "I get to ask you a question and you have to answer it. Simple. Deal?"
Delphine eyed her a bit skeptically but offered a timid nod in response. She watched as Cosima attempted to compose herself, but was only half succeeding. After a moment, she watched her wipe at her face and adjust her posture. "Why… Why didn't you come back for me?" she asked, her voice cracking over her words in a way that caused Delphine's heart to squeeze in her chest. She could instantly feel the tears pricking at the backs of her eyes.
"It… Cosima, it wasn't that easy," she started softly, though the other woman immediately huffed a breath of disbelief. "We were still just kids. I made a mistake. I… I convinced myself that you were better off without me. I didn't help myself, and I failed you."
"Even I'm not drunk enough for this," Cosima grumbled, but Delphine reached out for her arm.
"I'm not done," she told her softly, her eyes pleading, begging for her to stay. "What I did, leaving you, it warrants no forgiveness. I made you a promise, I gave you some shred of hope, and instead of making good on that, I became a scared little girl, and I let down the only person I've ever really cared about."
Cosima's lip quivered the slightest bit as she listened to Delphine speak, her own eyes growing a bit glassy. She knew what it was like to get scared, and to let people down, but she had let her anger rule her for so long that she had never truly stopped to think about Delphine's side of things. She wasn't sure what she wanted, or what she expected out of this. What had she gained by spilling that she still loved her, aside from causing Cosima serious loss of sleep? She sighed, tilting her head back to finish her glass of wine. Somehow, it still hadn't really done much for her head.
She was faced with two options, in that moment, and she wasn't sure which one was truly the best one for her. She could go on blaming Delphine for the hell that her life had been, or, she could choose the harder route and learn forgiveness in its purest form. That road required true effort and a desire to make things better, both of which she harbored somewhere deep down.
She was quiet for a few long moments, lost in her own head for the duration of the time. She knew how Delphine felt about her, but she was struggling to differentiate her own feelings toward Delphine. If she put aside all of that anger, what was left? Perhaps the reason the anger was so magnified was because she did, indeed, have residual feelings there for her. Finally, she spoke, cutting through both the tension and the silence like a straight razor.
"I forgive you." Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but in the moment, she meant it with everything she had. Of course she would never forget the ache, the hurt that had come through years of being let down, but she was willing to let them go enough that they could move forward with their lives. Delphine's head lifted and their eyes met across the small space between them on the couch. Cosima could see the surprise, there, in those green eyes, but she didn't retract, didn't take it back.
"Really?" Delphine asked, her voice soft and full of disbelief. She had spent years convincing herself that Cosima was better off, that she was smart enough and determined enough that she would make a better life for herself. It had been a dire mistake and she had known that the moment she had run into Cosima in the kitchen, even if it hadn't been apparent.
"Don't make me say it again," Cosima grumbled, though there was a ghost of a smile on her lips.
Delphine's mind was split, one end on their conversation and one end stuck on something she couldn't quite forget. She had her own question for Cosima, and the wine had done it's job enough that her reserves in asking had melted down like the wax of a burning candle. "Can I ask you a question?" she posed, almost too sudden, like if she didn't ask for permission, the moment might pass her by.
Cosima's brow lifted; she wasn't sure why the question struck her particularly so, but she gave a slight nod in response, watching Delphine, puzzled.
Delphine glanced at her glass before downing its contents, her heart hammering in her ears; she could feel the anxiety over asking creep over her, blanketing her, causing her body to betray her, reacting without her permission. Delphine's brow creased and she rubbed a palm over her thigh nervously. "Um…" she started, not really sure the best way to go about it, knowing that it was probably something that would not only not warrant her an answer, but would also upset Cosima in the process. "The night at the party…" She cleared her throat, glancing down to the floor for a moment. She brought her eyes up to look across the small amount of space between them, searching Cosima's face. "When you changed…"
Cosima held a finger up, shaking her head. "You don't get to ask that," she instructed, but Delphine didn't waver.
"You don't know what I'm going to ask."
"Yes I do." Cosima wouldn't have admitted it, even drunk, but her insistence was more for Delphine's benefit rather than her own. It was something she could talk about, but she wasn't so sure that Delphine was ready to hear what she had to say. It was already apparent she had come to regret what she had done, but if she knew of the misfortunes Cosima had experienced in her absence, it might do more damage to whatever it was that was left, that they were trying to so drunkenly repair.
In a split second decision, Delphine couldn't stop the words as they left her mouth. "Where did you get it?"
Instinctively, Cosima folded her arms across her ribs, her lips pressing into a tight line. "You don't want to know."
"Cosima, please." Delphine couldn't quite explain just why she had to know; it was this insatiable curiosity that could be damning in particular instances.
There was a moment of silence, heavy, between them. It stretched on, long and almost daunting. It lasted, though, even as Cosima began to move. She reached down toward her waist and tugged her shirt up over her head, laying it across her lap. The action in and of itself had caught Delphine off guard, but she was quick to act as though it didn't phase her. She knew Cosima's motives and accordingly, Delphine's eyes fell to the scar on her torso.
"I was walking home after class," Cosima started, startling Delphine as she broke through the silence. Her eyes flickered up to Cosima's face, listening with her entire being. "I don't remember much of it, but there was a fight and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I got shot in the chest."
The moment the words hit her ears, Delphine felt as though her heart had dropped out of her chest and there was nothing left in it's place. How had this happened? How had this happened to Cosima, of all people? Was it the world's way of trying to disprove her philosophy that all people had good in them? Her eyes grew glassy and she felt the sting of tears prickling at the backs of her eyes. "You… g-got shot?" she repeated stupidly, but she needed to say it in order to make it sink in, to make sure she truly understood what had happened because she couldn't keep her promise.
Cosima nodded slightly, closing her eyes as she spoke again. "I was in a coma for six months."
At this, the tears began to soundlessly slide down Delphine's cheeks. All that time she had spent lying to herself, telling herself Cosima was living a great life and she should have done what she had said she would. How could Cosima forgive her? She couldn't forgive herself. She felt crushed under the weight of the news but she was managing to keep from further falling apart. The tears, though, she couldn't stop.
When Cosima opened her eyes to take in the sight of Delphine with wet cheeks, she couldn't stop the autonomous action of moving toward her, reaching out to touch her, placing her hand on Delphine's wrist. "Don't do that," she managed just above a whisper. "I know you're blaming yourself. I know that 'cause I blamed you for a long time, too." She slid her hand down, covering Delphine's own hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. She looked into those beautiful green eyes and couldn't fight the small smile that curled her lips. "I meant what I said," she told her softly, "I forgive you."
Delphine shook her head, almost imperceptibly, biting at her lip. "How can you?" she posed in response, the question clear in her eyes.
Cosima fell silent. She recalled the conversation she'd had with Lennox on the rooftop as they watched the sunrise breathe life into the city. She had admitted something to him that night that she had since been battling herself on, but with her reserves damn near gone, she was far too close to revealing the truth. Instead, as they sat mere inches away from one another, the call to judgement had been flat out ignored and she made a brash, completely irrational move. She leaned forward and closed that small amount of space, her lips finding Delphine's with ease, like she had done so a million times before. She felt a sense of relief wash over her as Delphine kissed her back, putting her hands on the sides of Cosima's face. Her touch felt like fire on Cosima's skin, a warmth that she had not felt in an incredibly long time. The feeling of their lips together, smacking, kissing, it could have been equated to flying, but she was jerked out of midair when Delphine pulled away. Cosima's lips turned down at the corners and she reached up to take Delphine's hands in her own, holding them as she lowered them from her face.
"That isn't an answer," Delphine stated, though her tone was soft and without an edge.
"You know how," Cosima countered, though she was only putting off the inevitable.
"Say it," Delphine issued, half challenging, half begging.
Cosima looked down at their hands together and squeezed her eyes shut, taking in a slow, deep breath. "I can forgive you because I love you." She opened her eyes and looked up at Delphine who was wearing an expression that Cosima could not quite identify.
To hear it, to have it register, Delphine felt as though she were in some kind of dream. Maybe this was just drunken Cosima talking, maybe she didn't mean it, but in the moment, she wanted to put every bit of faith she had in believing her. She removed her hands from Cosima's only to replace them where they had been, on either side of Cosima's face, pulling her toward her. Their lips met again, but this time with a different intention. Cosima had kissed her in an attempt to answer her question, but Delphine kissed her with the full force of knowing just how much she loved her and how justified it felt in those moments. There was a resolve in her kiss, a different kind of promise. Time seemed to stop, the world halted in it's rotation and everything ceased to be outside of them and that kiss. Her heart was in her throat but she never wanted to stop; oxygen felt unnecessary in comparison to the feeling she got from the way their tongues pressed together and their lips collided. After a what felt like an infinite amount of time, Delphine pulled away, her chest rising and falling with her labored breathing. Her eyes searched Cosima's face, watching as she licked her lips, her heart still hammering in her chest. "Stay with me tonight," she blurted, though she wasn't very loud.
Cosima chewed on her lower lip, already knowing her decision before she'd made up her mind. "Promise me you'll still be here in the morning?" she asked meekly, leaning in to steal a quick peck.
Delphine's thumbs brushed at her cheeks and she nodded, her lips curling up a bit into a smile.
"I swear it."
