Chapter 31: Nightmares

My inability to sleep hadn't gone away. I was normal during the day, but at night I'd taken to sitting up and trying to keep the images from turning into real, gut-churning nightmares. I had regenerative abilities, but even I was starting to feel the strain after a week without a good night's sleep.

In an attempt to stay awake I started wandering the halls of the residential part of the SSR headquarters. I was passing Jones's rooms – the man snored like a chainsaw – when I heard soft moans and the sound of box springs creaking. For a moment I blushed – the secretaries had been very welcoming to the men of the Howling Commandos since we got back. But then I heard the moans again. They weren't pleasured, they were fearful. Someone was having nightmares.

I followed my ears and the smell of sweat down the hallway, my heart sinking when I smelled storms. The sounds led me to Bucky's door. I stood for a moment, debating. Would he want me to see him like this? I knew I didn't want him to see me tormented by nightmares. Maybe I should just knock on the door to wake him up and leave…

The sound of ripping fabric decided it for me. I pushed the door open and stepped inside. The light coming through the curtained window was dim, but I could see the outline of a bed and the writhing figure of Bucky on it. I quickly hurried to the side of his bed, crouching down and stretching out a hand.

"Bucky? Bucky!" I shook his shoulder. "Bucky, wake up!"

With a whine and a pained grunt he drew away from me, rolling to the other side of the bed and flailing one hand at me wildly. I winced as I realized whatever he was dreaming, someone was hurting him. He was trying to get away from them.

Images of the HYDRA lab we'd found him in danced behind my eyes and chased away any hesitancy I might have had as I crawled onto his bed and sat beside him, reaching out to grab his face between my hands.

"Bucky, Bucky wake up, everything's okay, you're safe," I murmured. "You're safe now, you're home!"

With a loud gasp Bucky's eyes shot open, darting wildly around. He lunged upward, throwing my hands off of him. I gasped as his hands closed around my throat and he bore me back to the bed under his weight. A slash of moonlight illuminated his face, showing the mindless, half-asleep anger written there.

I wheezed, trying to get air as I tugged at his fingers. "Bucky, it's me! Bucky, it's Belle, please!" I croaked.

"B… B-Belle?" I could watch the anger fade into confusion as his eyes became more alert, finally morphing into horror as he ripped his hands away from my throat and scrambled away from me, pressing himself up against the headboard. "Oh… oh god," he said thickly, licking his lips.

I sat up slowly, one hand covering my throat. "Bucky?" I said uncertainly, making sure he was back with me.

Bucky was pale, guilt and self-disgust crawling across his face as he looked down at his hands, then back up at my throat. "Oh god Belle, I'm so sorry," he breathed, his eyes beseeching me. "I'd never… I didn't mean…"

"Shh, shh," I cooed to him, crawling across the mattress until I knelt in front of him. I reached out, flicking on the lamp on the bedside table. The bulb burst to light, illuminating the sweat-sodden, twisted sheets and the stuffing pouring out of a torn pillow. I winced as I looked back over my shoulder at Bucky. His horrified and apologetic expression bore into me.

"Oh no, don't look like that," I begged, sitting back onto my heels and stretching out to grab his hands. He was hesitant as I pulled them towards me. I brought both of them to my lips, pressing a kiss to the knuckles. I looked at him from over the backs of his hands. "You're breakin' my heart," I said affectionately, repeating him.

"I h-hurt you-" Bucky couldn't seem to get past that fact. He was staring at his hands like they'd just betrayed him. "I was trying to kill you-"

"I shouldn't have woken you up," I scolded myself. "I should have known better, people coming out of night terrors are known to lash out."

"No, Belle-" Bucky leaned forward, his face offering reassurance that it wasn't my fault.

"I'm fine," I promised him, releasing his hands and tilting my head sideways so that he could see my throat. "See? It's not even red," I chirped, smiling at him happily. Bucky's eyes wouldn't leave my throat though, a slightly haunted expression there like he could still see himself choking the life out of me.

"What did I say before I joined the team, huh?" I said, leaning forward and grabbing his chin between my thumb and the side of my pointer finger. "Nothing can hurt me."

Bucky pulled his face out of my fingers and for a moment I was worried that this was it, he was going to draw away – and wouldn't it just be such a twist if he left because he was scared of himself and not me? My stomach dropped at the very idea and my heart throbbed. I was startled by how much the idea of losing Bucky ached inside.

Technically, I'd known him for about two years. But we'd only really been around each other… what, six months? The rest of that acquaintance was from letters that took weeks to arrive. By all rights we should be acquaintances, friendly at best. But here I was, sitting on his bed getting my heart broken because he didn't want me to touch him.

When had Bucky Barnes wormed his way so far into my heart?

All my worries were for nothing though. Bucky shifted and leaned forward. The smell of storms and the warmth of his breath washed over my face as he placed a soft, loving kiss on the side of my throat.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in my ear. I nodded, not trusting myself to be able to speak without my voice shaking. Bucky leaned back, sagging wearily against the headboard and rubbing a hand over his sweat-soaked face.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked uncertainly. Bucky shook his head, his face still concealed behind his hand. He let out a shaky breath. I bit my lip. "I still see their faces." Bucky didn't move his hand, but I could tell by the slight stiffening in my shoulders. "I can still see the faces of those people like me on the lab table. And I can see the face of this HYDRA man I killed. His eyes are wide and dead and they're just…" I swallowed, wrapping my arms around myself. "Just looking at me, like… like he's saying 'you did this.'" I shook my head, clearing the image away, and continued. "I haven't slept more than a handful of hours in the whole time we've been back."

Bucky had removed his hand from his face in the time I'd been talking, looking at me with this sympathetic expression like he'd do anything to take some of my pain away. I imagined my face looked much the same, because that's how I felt at that moment. I'd go out and kill a hundred HYDRA men, nightmares or not, if it meant Bucky didn't have them.

"Belle," Bucky said softly. "You shouldn't… you shouldn't feel guilty. This is a war, it's… it's not wrong, it's just… You can't…"

"I know," I insisted, scooting my knees a little closer, reaching out and grabbing his hands again. "I know that, I do, but it doesn't keep the dreams away, does it?" I gave him a small, shy, understanding smile, biting the side of my lip. "They get to me too. They get to Yori – she's tried to choke me for waking her up more times than I can count." I chuckled slightly. "I imagine they get to Steve and Dum Dum and Morita and Limey and all of the other soldiers out there doing what they've got to, Allied or not. It's nothing to be ashamed of," I said vehemently.

Bucky smiled at me faintly. "You should be a writer or something, Belle."

My eyes widened at the sudden subject change. "I should… what?"

Bucky's smile got a little bright, a little stronger, as he explained, "You've got this way with words. It's like you know exactly what someone needs to hear and just how to say it."

I smiled shyly again. Bucky's smile returned full force, his eyes looking at me with such fondness and love I felt self-conscious.

"I love that shy little smile of yours," Bucky whispered, reaching out and cupping my chin like I had his. "You look so damn cute…"

I grinned at him brightly. Bucky smiled back.

"And that face, the one you make when your nose crinkles up and your cheeks lift and your eyes get all sparkly… I love that one too."

My breath caught in my throat. I'd read all kinds of stories about romance in my day. Gothic stories like the Phantom of the Opera or Jane Austen's books. I'd read Shakespeare's tragic love stories and the words had always made me go starry-eyed and sigh aloud as I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a love like in my books.

Somewhere along the way I'd stumbled my way into something even better. Something that wasn't flowery for the sake of being flowery. It was genuine and sweet and everything I could ever want. I couldn't imagine there ever being a man like Bucky in my life, but there he sat, right in front of me, looking at me with those gorgeous blue eyes of his like he was staring at the Mona Lisa on top of the Crown Jewels, sitting in front of the prettiest sunset there ever was.

"You know what I love?" I asked quietly, the words spilling out of my mouth before I'd even really considered them. Bucky waited as I licked my lips, mentally preparing myself to continue. I'd never said things like this before.

I picked up his right hand and pressed it to my cheek, holding it there and closing my eyes, nuzzling into his palm. His scent danced around me, bolstering my courage. "I love the calluses on your hands. I love how I can feel how strong you are, how hard you've worked whenever you touch me, even though you're always so gentle."

I was bright red, and part of me wanted to flee. My heart was racing and my throat felt tight with emotion as I dropped his hand and leaned forwards to whisper in his ear. "I love how you listen, really listen, when I talk. You don't tune me out or tell me to go away." Shyly, I placed a kiss just in front of his ear.

"God Belle," Bucky said huskily. "Like I said, you always know what to say." His arms wrapped around me, drawing me to his chest. I curled there willingly, draping my legs across his lap and letting my nose drift along his neck, taking long, soothing breaths. I glanced up, my eyes lingering on the dark bruises around Bucky's eyes.

"You need sleep," I chided gently, cupping his face between my palms and stroking my thumbs under the bags. "Lie down and rest, now." I leaned up and kissed his forehead.

"Stay with me?" Bucky looked down at me, a slight pout pulling on his lower lip. I hesitated for a moment. Lying in a stall in an abandoned barn was one thing, but lying in a bed together felt so much more… intimate, somehow.

I didn't want to abandon him to the nightmares though, so I nodded gently. Bucky slid down, dragging me with him. I pulled my legs off of him so that I lay stretched out beside him. Bucky wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tightly to him like he always did, letting my head rest on his shoulder. I sighed in contentment and wrapped an arm around his waist, blushing at the feeling of warm, bare skin under the sensitive flesh of my inner forearm.

"Goodnight," I whispered shyly.

"Pleasant dreams," Bucky wished me back. I could hear the smile in his voice. I smiled too, tilting my head slightly and placing a soft kiss on his shoulder. I pulled him closer, all thoughts of impropriety banished as he laid a kiss on my forehead, just like he always did.

I lay there, basking in his scent around me as the darkness closed around me and I fell into a dreamless sleep for the first time in days.


When I woke up I was at first conscious of the warmth pressed against my front. My eyelids fluttered. I opened them, the scene around me coming into focus. Bucky's arms were wrapped around me tightly, cradling me against his side. Somehow in the night my right leg had draped over his, slotting my hips against his right one. My right arm was draped across his stomach, my hand resting in the middle of his chest. I could feel his heart beating under my palms under a light furring of hair.

I had always woken up first in the barn, needing less sleep. Then I'd been able to sneak away, hay poking me in the back and side and the cold numbing my toes. Now I was warm and comfortable and even though my cheeks were warm and my heart was racing I didn't want to leave the sheets.

Without even thinking my thumb began making light strokes across Bucky's skin. I tilted my head back and kissed the nearest bit of his face I could – the underside of his jaw. Bucky's lips lightly parted and he made a sleepy but satisfied sound that made me smile slightly. His eyes fluttered open revealing that gorgeous blue I could drown in and Bucky smiled down at me blearily. I dipped my head shyly and hid my answering smile in his shoulder.

"Morning," he husked, voice sending shivers down my spine.

"Mornin'," I replied shyly.

"So I wasn't dreaming," Bucky said with a lazy smirk. "I thought I was… too good be true, getting to wake up to my Belle."

My cheeks went even redder. "Your Belle," I replied. It was more than a repetition, it was confirmation, acceptance. I was Bucky's Belle and I couldn't be happier about it.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're the most amazing woman?" Bucky asked affectionately.

"Not 'ntil ya," I said, smiling and leaning up, aiming for another kiss on his jaw. Bucky tilted his head and caught my lips with his. I hummed contently and let him lazily kiss me, basking in the attention as our lips slowly dragged against each other. This was without a doubt the best morning I'd had in months, maybe ever.

Blushing as I remembered some of the things I'd heard the girls back home giggling and whispering about in corners, I let my tongue dart out hesitantly, sliding against the crease of Bucky's lips. He made a small, pleased noise and his hand slid from my back up into my hair, fisting there. It was not enough to hurt, just enough that I could feel it, and a shudder went down my spine. My leg tightened around his slightly and Bucky shifted onto his side so that he could kiss me more deeply.

His tongue slid into my mouth and I made a sound of surprise. I'd always thought it sounded so strange, but there was something exciting about the feeling of his tongue sliding against mine. Still thrilling slightly and the feeling of his hands in my hair I let my own trail from his chest around his side and up his back until my fingers knotted in his short, black hair.

Bucky let out a moan and shifted again, rolling so that he was hovering half over me, pressing my back to the mattress. I stiffened slightly. This was more intimate than we'd ever been and while I loved every minute of it I was hesitant, uncertain. Bucky was infinitely more experienced than I was. He'd probably done all this and more but I was new to it. I wanted to savor every new discovery, every sound he made and every one he drew from me, taking my time. I didn't want to dive into anything I might regret. I couldn't imagine regretting a moment with Bucky even now, but the future was always uncertain, you could never-

"O-oh!" A shaky moan left me as Bucky's tongue stroked behind my teeth. Bucky pulled back slightly, our lips parting. I hadn't realized it, but I was panting gently and so was he. He was so close, blue eyes dark and pupils dilated as he stared down at me. I was no fool, I knew what that look meant, and I imagined I probably looked much the same.

"We are gonna need to stop now," Bucky said quietly, closing his eyes regretfully. "Because if you make that sound again I'm not going to be able to."

I flushed, embarrassed. "S-Sorry."

"Don't be," Bucky assured me, reaching down and planting a soft, brief kiss on my lips, much more chaste than our kisses had been a moment ago. I melted back into the bed, letting my hand fall from his hair to the pillow beside me. Bucky leaned forwards, his stubbled cheek brushing my own.

"It was damn sexy," Bucky growled in my ear. I blushed deeper than I think I ever had in my life as Bucky pulled back and stared down at me smugly.

"Bucky Barnes," I said sternly, fighting off a breathless tremble in my voice. "You keep on sayin' things like that 'n I-"

Bucky raised an eyebrow leadingly. "You'll what? I may like where this is going…"

I pouted. "I dunno what I'll do, but it'll be somethin'…"

Bucky smiled brightly at me. "Your accent's thicker in the morning."

I groaned, covering my face in embarrassment. "I know," I moaned. "I gotta wake up a li'l, 'n then…"

Bucky was chuckling as he rolled off of me, landing on his back next to me and flinging an arm up over his head. His head lolled to the side lazily.

"Don't wake up," Bucky suggested. "I like your accent."

I shook my head. "Naw, you don'," I disagreed. "Makes me soun' uneducated…"

"Makes you sound sweet as a slice of apple pie," Bucky countered. My stomach rumbled and I would have been much more embarrassed if Bucky's hadn't growled right along with me. The pair of us locked eyes land laughed, any awkwardness or residual heat fading into a warm, affectionate comfortableness. It was wonderful.

"Shall we get dressed and head for breakfast?" Bucky offered. "I'll take you out," he wheedled.

"Sergeant Barnes, 're you askin' me out?" I asked coyly, rolling onto my side and pulling the covers up to my chin.

"I told you I wanted to do this right," Bucky reminded me earnestly. "Dinner and dancing and movies and everything you deserve. We, uh… I think we skipped a couple of steps," he said sheepishly, glancing at the bed and the room at large. "But I still want to take you out and learn everything I can about you."

"I'd like ta learn more aboucha," I agreed, smiling softly.

"You know, I've already learned something new about you," Bucky said proudly.

"And what's 'at?" I asked, laughing.

"You're like one of those dreamcatchers, Belle," Bucky said, eyes burning intently as he stared at me. "With you here I didn't have a single bad dream."

I smiled at him affectionately. "I didn't either."

"Maybe we should make this a habit," Bucky said wryly. "Can't have us falling down on the job, can we?"

"I could do that," I blurted out without thought. Bucky looked down at me, surprised. His cheeks were even a little pink. I think this was the first time I'd ever managed to make him blush.

But I couldn't help but think how wonderful it was to wake up wrapped in someone's arms, to look up and see Bucky's face over me. I loved this warm, lazy environment that came with starting my morning with Bucky. Propriety be damned – we were at war, Bucky kept the nightmares away, and any mission we went out on could be our last. Now that I had him I wanted every moment I could have with Bucky. I didn't want to miss a moment of him in my life.

"Just sleepin'," I said hastily. "But I… I didn' have nightmares," I admitted, looking around shyly. "And I like… this. Wakin' up with ya. It's nice."

Bucky was staring at me blankly, like he'd never seen me before. I gave a small, worried squeak and pulled the covers up even higher, ducking my head under them.

"Forget I said anythin'," I begged. "Stop lookin' at me like 'at!"

"Belle?" Bucky's hands wrapped around mine, trying to tug them down. "Belle!" His voice was laughing as he shook my hands gently. "Come on, doll, come out!"

I peeked out from the covers shyly. "Yeah?"

"You know how last night I said you have a talent for saying the right thing?" Bucky recalled. I nodded, not sure where he was going with this. Bucky leaned down and kissed the tip of my nose sweetly. "You just did it again."