Author's Note: These questions are all taken straight from Pottermore and are very easy to look up. More on the subject of self discovery.


4.

The first time we went through the questions, I was not in a terribly good mood. I'd just talked about the idea behind repression of emotions in the midst of abuse - more specifically, how abusers usually frame things as your fault in terms of what you've done to them, leading you to feel guilty and like you have no right to get angry. This is where the repression of emotions during abuse comes from.

And we'd been deconstructing that, and I was furious because I hadn't even known I did feel guilty or like I had done anything wrong concerning the Dursleys, and I was upset because all these repressed feelings of guilt kept coming back up.

So needless to say, I didn't feel like doing anything else.

"It might make you feel better to focus on something that will hopefully be more fun for a while," Madam Pomfrey urged me.

I sighed. "Well, you're the expert," I admitted, emotionally exhausted. "So I'll just be answering more personality questions?"

"Not exactly. I have here the official Hogwarts personality questions book. I will give you a series of what-if scenarios, and some of them may seem random, but you have to choose a reaction. Don't go with your first instinct here, necessarily. Look at each answer carefully, and decide which answer you want to choose - what kind of person you want to be. I want you to reflect on your instincts and how they differ from the kind of person you want to become," said Madam Pomfrey.

"Keep in mind, Mr Potter," added Professor McGonagall, and that was how I knew she was trying to remain neutral, "we will not be guiding you toward any one specific answer, though we may discuss your results in a neutral way once you have come to a decision. It's up to you to decide what kind of person you want to become."

"Quite right. As with basic personality structure, there is no right or wrong answer. Only different answers," said Madam Pomfrey.

The first question gave me a list of fears and asked me what I feared most. "Well, that one's easy," I said. "I'm fine with my first instinct. Small spaces."

"Explain," said Madam Pomfrey thoughtfully.

"Well, let's look at this," I said. "Darkness and fire are two things you have to get used to that exist commonly in everyday life. Same with heights. And if I feared isolation, I'd have died out ages ago. But I'm fine with fearing small spaces - yes, there's my cupboard, but there's also this… broader idea of being entrapped in a place where I can't move around or get out. That's what I fear most. Not being able to act. So I'm fine with being afraid of being entrapped in small spaces. It's true to my experience and my natural instincts, but it's also something that makes sense to me," I explained.

They looked at me thoughtfully.

"Mr Potter, you are a clever boy, that's quite a detailed answer," said Professor McGonagall after a moment.

I blushed. "Well, I've never thought of myself as unusually intelligent," I muttered. "But I suppose that might be the abuse talking."

So they interrupted to give me a number of puzzles and riddles over a series of a couple of days, and I didn't think I'd do well, but slowly I grew in quick answers and confidence as I realized I usually answered correctly. I was better at thinking things out and giving good answers than I'd ever given myself credit for.

"Just because someone's not good at traditional schooling," said Madam Pomfrey, "doesn't mean they're not clever or intelligent, or a good reader, or anything else. Indeed, cleverness is required to be creative in the artistic pursuits your personality type specializes in."

So that was an interesting realization for me. On Madam Pomfrey's recommendation, I started integrating logical thought more into ordinary life, and I found a kind of calm amid the storm I hadn't entirely expected. Analyzing things helped me react in not such an angry way to them.

Encouraged, I also started analyzing and discussing each answer more as I came across it, discovering more and more about myself and the kind of person I wanted to be.

The next question asked me about my best quality, and that one I had to think really hard on.

"My first instinct is to say my resilience, which has helped me survive," I said. "But I don't know if I want that to be my best quality. It doesn't say much about me except that I've survived horrible things, and I'd kind of like to move beyond that and get to know myself better. So…

"All the other options are also really good," I admitted. "Determination reminds me a bit of resilience, but the rest of them are really excellent. Kindness, optimism, intelligence, imagination. Looking at all these traits… I mean, the other answers are possibilities I really hadn't ever considered."

"It should be like that for all the questions," Madam Pomfrey put in. "That's the point." They were watching me neutrally, letting me talk things out for myself.

"I would say I want to be original," I admitted at last, feeling bold. "That yearning to impress people and make an impact that we talked about before - I really feel that. I want to be an original person, someone who's different and does things in a different way. Is that an arrogant thing to think?"

"Not necessarily," said Madam Pomfrey. "You are ambitious, then? There's nothing wrong with that; it can even be healthy."

"... Yes," I admitted slowly, "I suppose I am." It would take me awhile, to get comfortable with these ideas.

"Ambition and a total disregard for the rules can be quite a deadly combination, Harry," Professor McGonagall commented. "And I mean that in a good way, especially if the person involved has the kind of internal moral compass that you seem to have."

I smiled slightly, a little less embarrassed at getting a compliment than I would have been several weeks ago.

In the next question, I had to choose one item from a trunk full of items. My first instinct was to go for one of the smaller, more visually appealing trinkets, but I didn't exactly want this to be the foremost part of my personality, so I thought hard. I analyzed, as I'd started to do.

"The scroll," I said after a while in realization. "It's obvious. The scroll could have information on it that explains the rest of the trunk. I can't even choose the dagger until I know what I'm supposed to be guarding myself against."

Then I had to choose a path. I didn't understand the point of the question, but I went toward the sea. "Sort of along the line of the idea of needing open, free space," I explained. "The forest and the castle wouldn't allow that, but the seashore would."

I was already getting to know myself better.

The next three question-answers were interrelated. I would most want to be wise and would brew a potion bringing myself wisdom.

"It's one thing I've learned I need," I admitted. "I need to be able to think through bad experiences, not let them define me, and I need to learn where I stand on issues myself."

"One could say you're already wise," Professor McGonagall pointed out. "Right away you identified prejudice against Muggleborns as wrong even though you'd been raised by and hated Muggles yourself."

"I still have a lot to learn," I argued, frowning. "But take that example of Muggle prejudice. I identify with Muggleborns myself, so of course I wouldn't want to destroy them. And I feel free to hate Muggles like my family, but just because you hate someone that doesn't give you the right to hurt or kill them. Which is why I advocated hating in peace.

"You can't turn away legitimate witches and wizards because of where they come from. That's completely unreasonable; they couldn't help it. If you don't think they understand your world, teach them a better way. Include them on lessons you believe to be important.

"That's what I think. I've experienced a lot, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately - and I suppose it's thrown a lot of things into perspective for me. If I treat Muggles badly because of the way I've been treated, I'm really no better than the Dursleys."

That combination of analysis and encouragement to be my own, original self really helped my answer here.

"You certainly have experienced a lot," said Professor McGonagall thoughtfully. "You show unusual wisdom, open mindedness, and tolerance for someone with your experiences and age, Harry. I think you will do well at Hogwarts."

I offered her a small smile.

"You're also quite remote," Madam Pomfrey offered. "I'm glad to see you coming into yourself, Harry. You're not as forced and desperate for affection as before. You seem to be choosier in how you choose to express yourself and bestow affection, and that is a positive. You're very elegant and refined. You show yourself in subtle ways."

"... That's silly," I said simply. "I'm just a person like anyone else. Let's continue."

It marked the first time I'd dismissed a compliment, not because I thought I was unworthy of it, but because I found it irrelevant.

This conversation did affect my third answer, however. Growing comfortable with myself as a clever, wise, and reasonable person, I said I would least like to be called ignorant on an issue.

The next question puzzled me. It asked how I would like people to think of me after I'd died. More remote and unattached to the idea of everlasting affection from others, I said skeptically, "It matters more what they think of me in life, doesn't it? I mean… I would rather be seen as a good person loved by others in my own lifetime. That's more important. What on earth is the use after you're dead?"

That was another instance in which seeing other answers really helped me clarify my own views.

The next set of questions were what I mentally considered more "aesthetic" questions. I chose the sea again, growing attached to the idea and working off of a theme. There was something instinctively romantic about the sea, I felt. That sense of romance also affected how I answered the other questions in this section.

"I seem to have a fascination with the dark aesthetic," I said dryly, half worried. "Is that bad?"

"The dark aesthetic is widely misunderstood," said Madam Pomfrey. "There's a difference between having an attachment to the dark, romantic aesthetic and being a bad person. Perhaps you similarly are a creature of misunderstood darkness? Your reserve and attractions may intimidate people, Harry, but anyone taking the time to get to know you will realize you are quite a good person. You shouldn't let it bother you. Go with where you feel most comfortable."

So I chose Merlin's box with the rune, the violin, the inky visions goblet, and the luminous pool. Call me a romantic if you'd like.

The next set of questions were moral questions. I chose to save the cure, then the book, then the records. I would most want to be trusted by others. I most hated boredom - I'd suffered the rest of it before, I reasoned, hunger, cold, isolation, the whole shebang. I'd been forced to do chores, humiliated, attacked. A captor could do almost anything to me and I would probably take it all casually, but by God I could not stand being bored.

The next question was a thought provoking one. What would I most like to learn at Hogwarts? I thought about it, and realized based on things I had already learned about myself that I'd want to know all of it. "Every area I can," I answered. "I mean… I'm clever, I'm ambitious, I crave wisdom and knowledge, I'm good at instinctive and creative magic, I have lots of potential, and I want to be original. I'd most want to learn everything Hogwarts has to offer me."

"So you want to be a good student?" Professor McGonagall clarified.

"... Yes," I answered, and smiled when she looked relieved. I was determined to get good grades and prove her correct. "I'm fascinated by the wizarding world already, and I want to learn more."

I then decided that I would most want the power to change my appearance - it would be dead useful, I reasoned, and would not have any of the nasty psychological consequences that say being able to read minds or change the past might; I could camouflage myself anywhere, so it would be even more useful than invisibility. And I would most want to learn about ghosts, having a certain morbid dark, romantic fascination with spirits and the dead.

The next question was very tough for me. It was a what-if scenario involving cheating on a test. My first instinct was to brush Flitwick off and confront the cheating classmate instead, but I questioned if this was the right response. If the same points would be gotten either way… I mean, screw my classmate, he had chosen to cheat, right? Why would me confronting him make any difference if he'd already made the decision? (Or she, I supposed.)

So in the end, I didn't tell Flitwick unless he asked, but if he asked about the cheating I told the truth readily. I didn't voluntarily offer information as a snitch, but I was honest if questioned. We all had to make our decisions, I had learned - and I would make mine out to be good ones.

I chose the lantern-lit alley, another aesthetic choice. If confronted by a Muggle, I would fish for more information, asking them in faux bewilderment what made them think I was a wizard. (Hopefully they would be upset or fearful enough to tell me the truth.) If hearing a noise in the dark, I would draw my wand and stand my ground. At the troll bridge, I would attempt to use magic to confuse the troll and let us pass unscathed - which was, after all, a method of solo attack, and a cleverer one at that.

I was starting to fall into a more comfortable rhythm now.

Then we got to the nightmare question. I in the end chose the eye at keyhole nightmare, somewhat disturbed. "I'm trapped, there's something unknown there, and there's no way out," I tried to explain, shaken.

"... You are more vulnerable than you sometimes seem, Mr Potter," Professor McGonagall offered quietly.

The rest of the choices were really snap aesthetic choices. I mostly chose the dark and the interesting: Moon, river, dusk, black, left, tails, thorn, rain, shadow, salt, blood, cold, rough, prowl, think, stone, under, sometimes, why, free, alone, lost, silent, black, mind, listen.

But some answers were more snap moral choices. In these cases, I chose: Hope, advise, lead, improve, seek, discover, and shine (which struck me as more regal than glitter or glow).

At the end of it all, I admitted, "This was interesting but confusing. I don't understand what the point of it all was."

"But you understand yourself better, Mr Potter, yes?" said Madam Pomfrey expectantly. "And the person you'd like to become?"

"... Yes," I admitted slowly, interested. "I do."

She and Professor McGonagall smiled. "Then the point has been realized."