A/N: chapter 8 for you.
Some graphic content in this chapter but there will be some sort of warning beforehand
I own nothing but the plot
Enjoy
X
Chapter 8
The next morning I was woken by the beeping of my phone alerting me that I had a text message. Reaching for the phone I noticed that Jasper was not in my room. As I opened the message I felt the bile start to rise in my throat.
Thinking of you when you first wake in the morning just reminds me that your warm body is no longer next to me at night.
I made a dart for the bathroom ignoring the protesting from my still sore ribs and heaved into the toilet but nothing would come up as I remembered I'd not eaten the night before. Panic started to crawl up my body as I felt a strange need to complete the task and actually be sick. However, my body ever betraying me refused to allow even the slightest amount of stomach acid to come up. Sitting back on my knees I tried to calm myself but it was useless, I was becoming hot and sweat was starting to pour from me. Behind my eyes I could see flashes of the times Edward had forced his way into my bed at night and they wouldn't stop. Why wouldn't they stop. I could hear a ringing in my ears but shaking my head was just making it worse.
Between flashes I could see the counter top and the bright pink razor charlotte had grabbed for me caught my eye, screaming at me that it could take the pain away. Make the images go away.
**********************Graphic content***********************
Grabbing the razor I bought it slowly to my arm and drew it down over the skin. There was no pain from slicing threw my skin but as I watched the blood start to bead I realised the flashes were slowing but continuing. I continued to cut and noticed a direct link between the quickness of the blood and the slowing of the images that I wish I could unsee… unlive. The blood fascinated me with the way it trickled down around my arm and for a second I remembered the day I realised I no longer had a problem with blood.
Suddenly, a loud bang shook the walls of the bathroom and the razor was ripped from my hand. I heard a strangled cry before I was grabbed by cold arms and lifted to my feet.
Panic consumed me quicker than before and I started to hit and kick out though I knew it was useless. It wasn't long before I realised I was screaming.
The cold arms spun me around gently and I came face to face with a very scary looking blonde vampire that looked for the first time like a monster, with the deepest black eyes I had ever seen, nothing like the beautiful, catwalk model I had come to love
"Bella, stop, its me, you need to calm down before you have a heart attack!"
"R…Rosie? Why did you stop me it was working, it was making them stop?"
"Bella, what were you thinking? Cutting yourself, and in a house that you share with vampires. Hurting yourself like that. I know it hurts sweetie but do you know what you've done to Jasper?"
"Jasper? What' wrong with Jasper? Where is he?"
"He's on his way back from town. Charlotte asked him to go pick something up with Peter. He felt your pain Bella and it sent him to his knees in the middle of town. It took Peter all his strength to get him in the truck before the humans started rushing over. Peter rang while Charlotte, Emmett and I were hunting to com and check on you because Jasper was chanting your name over and over but couldn't move to get out the truck."
"I'm sorry I didn't know I just wanted it to stop. I didn't plan it. The razor was just there and I was so desperate to make it stop. I couldn't see properly Rose and all I could hear was this ringing in my ears." What had I done? It was so stupid. And in a house of vampires too I could have been killed. Now I would be lucky if they didn't through me out on my arse.
"Bella sweetie, talk to me. I don't understand, what do you mean you couldn't see properly? What wouldn't stop hunny?"
"The images in my head of him playing over and over, they wouldn't stop. He text me Rose and I felt so sick but it wouldn't come up. I just wanted it to stop." I sobbed as Rosalie grabbed me into her arms and held me. I'm not sure how long we sat there but suddenly she stiffened and started to move away.
"Bella I need to move away. I can hear Jasper he's on foot and coming in fast. He's going to want to check your ok just don't panic or he'll think something's still wrong and it might get me killed. Remember he wont hurt you" Just as Rose finished moving off the bed the bedroom door flew open and a very wild looking Jasper was stood in front of my looking around for danger. His eyes landed on Rosalie, who had taken a submissive pose, and nodded at her before turning back to me and taking a deep breath.
"You are hurt." He must of smelled the blood as his eyes now took to looking me over until they stopped at the blood soaked hand towel wrapped around my left arm. Huh? Guess Rosalie must of wrapped it when she grabbed me.
Slowly and gently Jasper unwrapped the towel to look at the damage. I was amazed to see that he was breathing quite evenly and saw no bloodlust on his face, even Rosalie had struggled a little and she was well used to the scent of my blood by now.
"You're my mate darlin, ya blood doesn't appeal to me. I'm going to get the first aid kit, I need to clean it up a bit and its still bleeding so keep the pressure on it for a minute."
I did as I was told and shortly after Jaspers came back and started getting out what he thought he needed. I was becoming a little apprehensive at the fact Jasper hadn't said much and hadn't admonished me in any way but I kept telling myself that no matter what Jasper wouldn't hurt me.
As Jasper began cleaning the blood away I could feel the sting and wondered why it was starting to hurt now when it hadn't before. My thoughts were cut off by a gasp and I looked up to see Jasper staring at my arm his hand mid way in the air. When he looked at me his face was so full of pain that I immediately started crying.
"Oh darlin what have ya done to ya self?"
"I'm so sorry Jasper. I didn't plan it, I promise. I was having a panic attack I think and it just happened. I didn't know you'd feel it too, I wont do it again ever, I don't know what I was thinking."
"Sorry Jasper but I think Bella might have been having a flashback as well. She said she was trying to make the images stop. Plus you need to know I think it was set off by Edward, he text her." Rosalie said whilst looking apologetically at me.
"When?" Jasper demanded.
"This morning, I got woken up by the notification tone." I told him as Rosalie handed him my phone.
"I'm sorry you had to deal with this on your own Bella. I should have been here. But Bella please, you cant do this to ya self. Apart from inflecting pain on yourself and the potential danger from living with vampires, it kills me to see you like this darlin "
"I promise Jasper I wont do it again."
"Right, it looks good and I don't feel it needs stitches, so I'm just going to bandage it up and then we'll go get you some breakfast if you're hungry?"
"Is everyone else down there? Do they know what I did? What must they think of me?"
"Bella, listen to me yes Emmett, Char and Peter are downstairs but they don't think any less of you and I promise they wont talk to you about what went on today unless you approach them first ok? We all love ya so much darlin. Now why don't you get dressed and I'll wait for you?" I nodded and took some clothes in bathroom to change. I immediately noticed that either Rosalie or Jasper had taken the rest of the razors from the counter but I couldn't blame them I knew what I'd done was stupid.
Once dressed Jasper offered me an arm and escorted me down stairs to the kitchen. Everyone was in there going about their business just like Jasper said but I could feel the tension in the room as I entered. I decided to take the bull by the horns so to speak.
"Guys, I just wanted to apologise for my behaviour this morning. I didn't think about the possible consequences for you and I made you uncomfortable in your own home. I'm really sorry."
"Love you belly bear." Emmett came to me and pulled me into one of his bone crushing hugs.
Charlotte also came up to me with a small hug and whispered that I could go to her if I ever needed to talk. Peter just nodded at me from across the counter but as I turned to Rosalie my heart sunk a litlle.
"Rosie…?"
"Bella, I was so cross with you. Not because you are hurting and choose… that… over coming to me but because I almost killed you. I smelt the blood but the full force of it didn't hit me until I had to kick the door down. I wanted your blood so much in that second. My own sister needed me and I almost ended you. I cant go through that again Bella, I understand what your going through, you know I do but… I… urg, just don't make me want to eat you again okay?" And with that I was forgiven and found myself in my sisters arms.
Later that day I was reading in my room when a knock on the door pulled me out of my book. I had asked for a little time to myself after lunch and everyone had happily agreed to give me as much time as I needed.
"Sorry Bella, I know you wanted some time to yourself but I just wanted to ask if you wanted anything to eat as its getting late?" Charlotte asked from the doorway
"It's fine, please come in, I wanted to ask you and Rosalie something anyway. I am hungry though." I said the last a little louder knowing Emmett had been dying to cook for me since he watched the food network yesterday.
"Emmett's on it." Rosalie said chuckling as she entered the room. "So, what did you want to ask?" she said while taking a seat next to me on the window seat.
"Well, I… I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so confused. It hurts still but I'm having all these feelings that I don't understand and I'm just a mess." I got out as quickly as I could.
Both girls looked at me then to each other before Rosalie shouted, "Boys its time to go hunting. Em leave the stove on low and I'll finish it for Bella in a little while."
They sat there for a few minutes like statues but I guess they were listening for when the boys were out of hearing range.
Finally, they turned to me and demanded that I explain what I meant.
"I'm a mess like I said. I numbed myself for so long while with him that I didn't deal with any of it but now I have to deal with it and I don't know how. Then to top everything off I am madly in love with a man that I have known not even a week. How is any of this normal?"
"Bella, did Jasper tell you anything of my time in the wars?"
"Not you specifically but I can imagine. And that's my point you and Rose are both such strong woman and have over come your demons. It gives me hope that one day I can too but how do you do it?"
"You have to have faith sugar. Have faith that God has a plan and that it will all work itself out in the end. You don't have to go to church or anything just have faith." And there it was what I had been waiting for. God always came in to everything, Edward and Carlisle had rammed it at her often enough. I wasn't mad at Charlotte, not at all, those were her beliefs and she was entitled to them. No it was more the fear that came with these conversations. Questions I was afraid to answer. Questions like did I want to go to church to pray for the babies? Did I want to go to midnight mass at Christmas? Why didn't I go with Esme and the girls to the church groups to help out with the various charities, to take my mind of things? The discussions about why I would want to become a soulless monster with no hope of getting in to heaven ever. To be honest I think Carlisle had given up thinking I was just like all others of my age these days. That I just didn't care. Nothing could be further from the truth. I believed alright just not in 'God', no my path took me elsewhere but I couldn't tell anyone in the family. They were all from a time when my beliefs were a big no no. I must have been lost in thought because Charlotte nudged me to get my attention.
"Idontbelieveingod."
"Sorry, we didn't get that Bella"
"Um… well… you see… I don't actually believe in God"
The look on Rose and Charlotte's face was actually quite amusing. Both had looks of astonished confusion but Charlotte also had a look that definatley said 'foot in mouth' moment
"Oh shit, Bella, I am so sorry I… well, I just assumed. So you're an atheists? Not that there's anything wrong with that of course."
"Bella? Why didn't you say something? All those time you sat and listened to Carlisle and Edward going on about God and souls. Asking you about church. Every time Esme or I asked you to come to the groups with us, you just said 'no, thank you'. if you had said we wouldn't have kept asking and found something else to include you in."
"whoa, hang on one at a time. It was just easier that way Rose and I didn't want anyone to think less of me, but to answer Charlottes question, no I'm not an atheist but im worried what you'll all think of me if I tell you. I'm not ashamed of my beliefs but they come with some pretty big misconceptions. I haven't been able to practise my beliefs for so long and I feel like a fraud but I don't want you to throw me out." I said whilst looking at my feet. I hoped they would leave it there and not question me any further.
"Rosalie can you go stall the boys, they just came back into range?" We sat in silence until charlotte turned to me and took my hand.
"Bella, firstly, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not slightly hurt that you think we would throw you out of your home, and this is your home now, just because you have different beliefs to us. I was brought up Catholic but Peter, his family raised him Methodist, but I still love him. I'm not sure what beliefs Jasper holds but that's between the two of you. Nobody in this house will ever think any less of you. Yes comments may be made by my darlin mate or Emmett but they wont mean anything by it. However, you shouldn't feel forced to share your faith system with anyone until you are ready. Secondly, I get the feeling from what you said, that you would like to practice your beliefs, is that right? Wow I guess she was right, I had a lot to think about.
"Well yeah, but I'm not sure I can do that without telling everyone."
"Ok, so we'll make it happen. There's an empty study that's soundproofed downstairs that you can use. No one else will go in there. It was Jaspers study but he has so many books that in the end he had to convert the loft space" she finished chuckling. I couldn't believe it my own space to practice. I couldn't remember the last time I'd practiced although I thought about my beliefs everyday.
"That would be great. Thank you so much. I'd need a few things though, do you think Jasper would give me some money? He did say to ask him for whatever I needed". I was in full out planning mode when Charlotte started laughing her head off.
"Oh, my, What was that man thinking"
"Jasper, I don't care what you say I don't think this is a good idea." Rosalies voice drifted up through the open window
"I don't care what ya say either. Ya aint bringing that thing in the house it stinks" Peter said. Looking at Charlotte I realised I wasn't going to get anything out of her as she was still doubled over laughing. Going down the stairs and out the front door I waited until they came into sight. When they did I could see Jasper was carrying a bundle. I couldn't quite make it out and was just about to start over to them when I saw the bundle start to move.
"Is this your version of take-out cowboy?" I called. Before he could answer I heard the strangest sound. It was a cross between a yelp and cry. It must have taken Jasper by surprise as it started wriggling even more and managed to get out of his grasp. It fell to the ground with a soft thump but got up and shook itself off before making a beeline straight for me albeit very clumsily. As it got closer my heart just about melted. It was the tiniest, cutest little puppy I had ever seen.
"Where did you find it?" I asked know one in particular as the pup finally reached me and I bent to pick it up noticing it was a little girl.
"We found it by the river, some lowlife was just about to throw it in when we spotted him. Peter went over and took the little lass and had a snack. We couldn't leave her by herself I was all for a tiny snack myself but Jasper said we should bring her home." Emmett said. I gave him the stink eye before turning to Peter.
"Peter, please can we keep her. I'll look after her myself. Please I always wanted a dog but my dad always said no."
"Fuck no, that thing is not coming in the house."
"Petey, please. Look at her. She's all alone in the world. She's been taken from her mommy and from the size of her I'd say too soon. She's only a baby and she needs a mommy." ok so I knew I was laying it on thick but I also knew if we sent this dog to the pound she'd have a terrible start to life.
"Oh hell, how can I resist that face. But you have to get her loads of toys I don't want her chewing up the place just because shes bored. Emmett and I will build her a yard tomorrow. You'll be the death of me girl mark my words." I squealed which scared the puppy but she soon settled when I cuddled her closer to my chest.
"Does anyone know what she is, I've never seen a puppy quite like this one."
"Well, that's the other thing, the man said he was doing the thing a favour as it would be put down sooner or later anyway. She's half pit bull Darlin." Jasper supplied
"What difference does that make?"
"Well Pit bulls have a bad reputation, theres been a lot of attacks, and although they aren't illegal here they are in other places so it could change here too." Rosalie offered
"That's fucking stupid. Its how you treat a dog that decides how they grow up, not the breed. Its… like… its doggie racism that's what it is." I knew it sounded stupid so I wasn't surprised to hear Emmetts booming laughter.
"Shut up Emmett and if you go anywhere near my girl even remotely hungry I will find a way to rip you apart and burn the pieces. Now, whose gonna take me to the vets to find out whether she still needs milk?"
"Why don't you and Rose go to the vets and pick up what you can for tonight, while I talk to the boys about what we discussed and they can clear out the study for you?"
"That's great, come on Rose, I'll fill you in on the way." with that we made our way to the truck.
A/N: So there's chapter 8. It is way longer than I originally plan which is why I ended it where I did otherwise it would have gone on and on and on. I know the breed specific legislation is a touchy subject but I had to include it because in my opinion it is beyond wrong. I have a full pit-bull and he is the nicest, soppiest thing I have ever come across. In 8 years he has never shown any type of aggression and he was severely abused before I found him.
Anyway chapter 9 is currently rolling round my head so will be posted next Thursday.
Love to all
x
