A/N: I own nothing but the plot… and Roxi
Enjoy
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Chapter 9
Bella pov
An hour and $400 later we were on our way back to the house. Roxi as I'd decided to call her had been amazingly calm and was nestled quite happily on the seat next to me. The vet had seen us fairly quickly when I had explained the situation to the receptionist. It turned out that the puppy although in good health was only 4-5 weeks old and should have been kept with her mum for at least another 4 weeks minimum. She'd need to be feed formula 3 times a day and the vet said I should start to wean her from tomorrow. Then take her back to the vets for vaccinations in 4 weeks time.
I'd told Rosalie what Charlotte and I had discussed and she thought it was a good idea and echoed Charlottes insistence that nobody would question my beliefs unless they became harmful. She went on to tell me that she too had found a little strength in having faith although felt it was only once she found Emmett that the biggest milestones were made.
As we pulled back up to the house Jasper came out to meet us. He raised an eyebrow at all the stuff piled up in the truck and looked to Rose, who just shrugged before going into the house. Kissing me swiftly he looked me in the eye with a smirk.
"Have fun shopping did we?" he chuckled
"Yes actually but don't worry, Im not a shopaholic like certain evil pixies. There was so much to get. A bed, a playpen, blankets, formula, toys, worming stuff, newspaper, puppy food, the list is endless. Your not cross are you?"
"No darlin not cross, just surprised a little thing could need so much stuff, wait, why does she need puppy food and formula and what's the playpen for?" He replied as he started to unload everything
"She still needs puppy milk but the vet said I could start weaning her from tomorrow. I don't what all that entails but I'm going to do some research in a minute once she settled. As for the playpen, the vet suggested it would help with house training if she only has a limited area to actually toilet in. I'm going to have to teach her where is ok to go and where is not ok. Apparently naturally dogs don't like to go where they sleep so the process is started already."
"That's fine. Lets get this little lot inside before you freeze its only march after all. Where she sleeping?"
"Um, in the kitchen should be ok but I don't know what to do if she starts crying through the night." as I finished Charlotte came out and took Roxi from my arms.
"Well, lets get a look at ya sug. You are a pretty little thing ain't ya. Have ya named her Bella?"
"Yeah her names Roxi."
"Hello there miss Roxi. I guess I'm going to be looking after you at night when your not sleeping so that ya mommy can get some sleep herself." She cooed to the puppy as she turned back to me.
"Bella I've got your food about ready to dish up in the kitchen if your hungry. Jasper and Peter can put the stuff together. Does Roxi need anything?"
"Yeah she needs some formula, I'll make it up real quick for her. Is there a laptop I can use while I eat? I need to research some stuff about puppies."
"Sure thing. I'll grab it now. Rose can you dish Bella's food up please." Charlotte said
By the time I had the kettle boiled and cooled to the required temperature, Charlotte and Roxi were back looking over my shoulder.
"Do you want me to show you how to make it up in case she wants some in the night?" Charlotte simply nodded as she dipped her finger in the not warm water to commit the temperature to memory.
"Once the water is at the right temperature measure it in to the jug. You want 1 part powder to 2 parts water. This measuring spoon is 10mls so for 100mls of water you want 5 level scoops, then just give it a really good stir so the powder is completely dissolved, ok? It cant be left for more than an hour though so if she doesn't want to drink it throw it way. She happily lapped water from the bowl at the vets so just pour it in here." I told Charlotte as I showed her the steps. Roxi was yapping and struggling in Charlottes arms so I put the dish of milk on the floor and motioned for Roxi to be put down as well. Immediately she began lapping up the milk replacement so obviously she was hungry.
"Could you grab the play pen and the lead for me quick Charlotte so I can eat my dinner I'm starving."
Charlotte came back with the pen and placed it around the pup. Roxi was still busy lapping up her own tea and did not seem the slightest bit fazed by vampire speed. "She's gonna need to go potty about 5 minutes after she finishes so I need to eat this quick then I'll take her outside for a bit."
"You eat your food and I'll sort the puppy. that's the first proper meal you've had since breakfast. Do some research on potty training as well cos I don't think peter's gonna like it if she pees in the house" Rose stated quietly. Obviously not quietly enough as peter came rushing in glaring at Roxi before turning his attention to me
"I knew it. That thing is gonna ruin my house and stink it out. Bella I swear if she pees on the carpets, I'll let Emmett eat her."
"PETER WHITLOCK! You will do no such thing. If you touch one hair on that pup I will make sure Char cuts you off for a month. Do you understand me?" I levelled him with a glare of my own
"Yes ma'am." He replied before scurrying off somewhere else. "Jesus she's scary and for a human that's saying something" I heard him mutter as he went.
"Darlin, pay no mind to Peter, he just grumpy he couldn't get his own way. He wanted to build a pen outside for Roxi tonight but Char told him he had to help clean out my old study for you." Jasper said as he came to sit next to me at the kitchen table.
"Yeah little sis, what's this about you not believing in god but wont share with the class?" Came Emmett's booming as he entered the kitchen.
"I don't Emmett but… I'm…" I didn't know what to say.
"Em leave her alone she doesn't have to tell you anything. We talked about this. That room is Bella's private space and if I have to get it vampire proofed then I will." Charlotte said as she glared at him.
"I was only joking. I'm sorry little sis. I still love you. What about you Jasper, you still love her don't cha."
"Emmett come and help me take the dog out into the garden." Rose said as she clipped the lead on Roxy
"Jasper, I understand if you don't like it but I cant help what I believe. Is it going to be a problem?"
"Bella, I don't know the sort of people who you've disclosed your beliefs to but if their reaction is responsible for you thinking any of us would have a problem then they aren't very decent people. I couldn't care if you worshipped a unicorn as long as you are happy and aren't harming yourself or the family and we certainly wont throw you out."
"Thank you Jasper that means a lot to me it really does. Right I need to do some research for this puppy."
After looking for as much as possible on how to care fro Roxi including house training and generally teaching her all she need to know that her mother would have taught her if shed stayed with her, I instructed the boys on how to set up her bed and pen for the night. Whilst they were busy I went to my new private space to look at ordering some of the items I would need to get me set back up ready to honour my beliefs, selecting next day delivery so I could get started ASAP. I informed charlotte that I was expecting quite a few parcels the next day and she promised to receive them and make sure I got them. We all sat around watching a movie for a while before I started to get tired so I picked up Roxi and got her settled in her pen in a quiet corner of the kitchen. After gaining assurances from both Rose and Char that they would keep an ear out but leave the puppy unless she needed them, I climbed the stairs and fell happily into bed.
It was a month later in late April that Edward attempted to contact me again via another text message. After another panic attack but thankfully no temptations to hurt myself, Jasper was finally able to calm me down.
It made me realise that he was never going to stop and that eventually he was going to have to be dealt with permentaly. I could see the effect it was having on my new family, especially Jasper so I stopped telling them, forcing myself to not panic often retreating to my belief room as it had been dubbed, to meditate for hours on end, my only companion being Roxi who at about 10 weeks old was doing brilliantly. She was almost completely house trained and knew sit, down, bed and no reliably enough that she was now only penned at night when it was unfair to expect her to go all night, although she was now letting someone know that she needed to go out so even overnight accidents were rare. The texts continued in the same fashion and eventually lead to silent phone calls, at first these triggered a few panic attacks but I made sure to stamp the down quickly. Hiding from Jasper had become easy since I now seemed to have almost full control of my shield and could effectively block him from my emotions even subconsciously for up to an hour at a time which of course was more than enough time to deal with my panic and mediate. He didn't like it one bit but respected my privacy and didn't ask questions just asked that if I truly felt I couldn't cope with my emotions that I would go to him and let him help.
Our relationship had grown in steps over the last 6 weeks and I had grown to trust him completely, I was now able to tolerate him spontaneously initiating contact such as a hug, peck to the cheek or holding my hand. I will never forget the look on his face when I had told him 2 weeks ago that he could hug me without seeking my permission first and told him that I actually felt safer than I ever had when he hugged me. I was getting there slowly with Emmett and Peter but at the moment they could only approach me from the front for a hug so I wasn't startled. We were also getting fairly intimate in the bedroom and both of us had come away rather frustrated more than once. I could easily allow Jasper to touch me and was becoming comfortable with touching him but since I admitted to myself that I loved Jasper with all my heart and trusted him fully I was struggling to find a reason not to give all of myself to him and claim what was mine once and for all. I knew it needed to happen soon as the primitive part that recognised Jasper as my mate was starting to become jealous when Rosalie or Charlotte would hug or touch him despite knowing deep down that it was purely in a sibling love kind of way especially when I growled and tried to hit Rose for hugging him for too long, and Rose had been my sister and best friend for years and had her own mate. I just felt in my head it was too soon to be with Jasper. It was so confusing I made up my mind that I would try to speak with the girls tonight about everything I was feeling.
Once the boys went out on their lads only hunting trip I called the girls to mine and Jaspers bedroom and asked them to sit.
"Um so I'm not really sure where to start but I wanted to talk to you about these feelings I'm having as I'm really fucking confused right now and my heart and head are having one hell of a war at the moment." I started surprised when both the ladies in front of me gave each other mischievous looks and then turned back to me with knowing grins.
"Go ahead Bella, both Char and I have been waiting for you to approach us and have an idea of how you might be feeling but felt it would be better for you to approach us when you were ready."
"Yes well, thank you for that. I want to give myself to Jasper but I'm afraid." I said quietly.
"Afraid of what sugar." Charlotte asked taking my hand in hers.
"I'm afraid its too soon, afraid that I will freak out and afraid that I'll be no good and Jasper wont enjoy himself and then he'll leave me for someone more suited to him with less baggage."
"Oh sweetie, only you can say if its too soon. I know you've been taking steps with Jasper in that department and you haven't freaked out yet, although it would be perfectly understandable if you did. As for leaving you and all that, he's your mate and therefore could never even find another woman attractive in fact he would be 100% useless in the bedroom department for any one who wasn't his mate. He's going to enjoy himself immensely I guarantee it. How far have you gotten together?" Rose said as she too took a hand in hers.
"I didn't know that about mates. We've done some stuff. We kiss a lot and tend to get a bit carried away and your right I don't freak out about it, my minds to busy with other stuff," I giggled "Um he's touched me loads and I've touched him a fair bit too but that's as far as its gone neither of us has found any release and I'd like to change that but again that brings more fears as I've no idea what to do or what to expect." I admitted shyly
"You mean you've never had an orgasm before not even by yourself?" Rose asked shocked
"Well no. I was a virgin when I met Edward and I've never masturbated my mum always told me it was disgusting and not what normal people do. She said it was weird and that I'd go to hell. You know what she's like Rose." I didn't want talk about this Rose knew what my mother was like after speaking to her just the once and then demanding I tell her what the hell was wrong with 'that woman'.
"Who the fucking hell tells there child that croc of shit? Masturbation is a perfect normal part of growing up. How are you supposed to let your partner know if you like something or more importantly don't like something if you haven't explored in a safe and private way?" I couldn't respond, there was no response top that because she was perfectly right in her opinion. I wanted to hug her with all I was worth but instead I looked at the floor.
"I… um… my mums not a very nice person. She has narcissistic tendencies and it was hard growing up with her. She was so selfish but anything that went wrong was always my fault. My brother and sister were both what's called the golden children and their flaws and shortcomings were my fault. I was a bad influence or I was just plain lying and I was responsible for what ever had happened and trying to blame them. She was verbally abusive and to be quiet frank I don't think she ever loved me. She'd tell me I was fat and needed to lose weight sending me to school with no food and no money to get some but when I got home from school asking what was for tea she'd say pizza and fries or take out. I remember one day she refused to pick me up from town one day when my truck broke down saying she was too ashamed being seen with me because I was so fat. I only lost weight to please her. I was happy the way I was. She has always claimed that my dad used to beat her yet at thirteen she kicked me out and I had no choice but to live with him, if you ask her though she never kicked me out but merely decide it was in everyone's best interests if I didn't live with them anymore. She never gave a reason for this other than "ask your daughter". I have no idea what I did wrong other than that day I had called my brother a few nasty names and he had punched me in the stomach winding me and my mother seemed to just lose it screaming at me to call my father and get out of her house all the while hitting me around the head with a rolled up magazine like I was some fly to be swatted." I explained sobbing my heart out. The bedroom door banged open starling all three of us and a very bedraggled looking Jasper stood there with a look of utter pain on his face.
"JASPER! What is it are you hurt? What happened?" I shouted as I rushed towards him, completely forgetting my distressed state previously.
"Ya shield dropped darlin and I was suddenly hit with ya emotions it knocked me clean ta the ground. I rushed straight back here. I'm sorry darlin but I heard some of what ya was saying about ya ma' it's not right she treated ya that way. I can see now why ya didn't question Edward even in the beginning. Ya ma' made ya vulnerable, feeling worthless, she set ya up for a monster like Edward to prey on. Most woman who find themselves in violent relationships have some kind of emotional neglect/trauma in their childhood. They don't learn what healthy relationships are so don't question anything believing everything to be perfectly normal. Ya ma' is as much to blame as Edward for the things that have happened to ya darlin, everything that woman ever told ya about yaself needs to be let go and forgotten. You are worth it." Jasper said. I of course was sobbing uncontrollably again as I launched myself into his arms and just let go of everything. All the hurt and pain came rushing out of me in a not so ladylike manner.
It was sometime later completely spent from my emotional outburst that I looked up in to Jaspers eyes and felt the most love I have ever felt in my life. Just before I feel asleep I felt the words clawing their way up my throat. I knew they were true and I knew they needed no response but had to be uttered all the same…
"I love you my Jasper."…
And my world gave way to dreams of hot summers nights spent with a blonde haired man with red eyes.
A/N: hi all its me MrsJWhitlock. Thank you for being so patient with me. This chapter has been a hard slog but I got there in the end. My recovery is going ok but its going to take a long time. I have a broken leg, a fractured vertebrae as well as a broken collar bone. To top all of this off its suddenly turned cold where we are so my daughters struggling with her asthma. It never rain but it pour. Thankfully my husband had a lot of holidays saved up and then can get something called parental leave for 4 weeks until I can get a better idea of how my lifes going to play out and learn to adapt to my surroundings.
Blessed be everyone
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