Chapter 48: Loss
Christmas of '44 was a little different from last year. Oh, Howard held a Christmas party, we just weren't there for it. We ended up being sent out on information we'd received. According to intelligence, Arnim Zola was going to be taking a train through the mountains and we'd gotten the information early enough that we had a chance to intercept, which was a better chance than any we'd yet had to get at the Red Skull's right hand man.
Somehow, Phillips became the de facto babysitter for Guinevere when we were gone. Yori said it was because she trusted the soldier to keep her safe, which made me laugh and made Phillips look oddly flattered. Whenever we went out on missions he ended up being the one who took care of Guinevere and I was told it caused no end of hilarity around the base to see him carting around a baby in the middle of a meeting with other officers.
We left Guinevere with him and set out two days before Christmas, travelling by a combination of truck and plane into the mountains. It was freezing the higher and higher we went despite our many layers but we pushed on until we got to the point we planned to set up our ambush. We'd picked a small, rocky outcropping across the ravine from the train tracks. There was little shelter from the snow and wind here and only just enough room for all of us to be up there at the same time.
"The train should be here in about half an hour," Steve said, glancing at the sun in the sky to get a guess at the time. "Set up."
Morita and Jones crouched down in the snow and began to unpack a HYDRA radio we'd captured and get it up and running to listen in on the communications going to and from the train. With HYDRA's frequency we'd be able to pick up on anything they said. Jones listened as Morita fiddled with the knobs, trying to get it calibrated correctly.
Yori flared her wings once or twice to try and get some blood circulating, making a face. "I hate the cold," she muttered as she stomped her feet.
"Yori, I want you to fly over to that ledge," Steve said, pointing to spot across the ravine that still was above the train track but had enough cover that she wouldn't be seen. "But first, attach the rope down there by the tracks. When we come in, I want you to swoop down and join us."
"Hai," Yori bit out. She took the rope and leaped over the edge of the outcropping, dropping like a stone. A few moments later she surged up past us and flew over to land on the other side where Steve had requested she be. I watched as she crouched by the tracks and used her glowing hand to melt a deep hole in the ice. She slid the rope into place and the water quickly refroze, anchoring it. Job done, Yori swooped up to the spot Steve had given her.
"It always gives me a heart attack when she does that," Steve muttered.
Falsworth was on watch, binoculars pressed to his eyes as he watched the bend in the tracks where the train would appear from behind another mountain.
"You remember when I made you ride the Cyclone on Coney Island?" Bucky asked randomly, staring down the line towards the train tracks.
"And I threw up?" Steve confirmed.
"Yeah. This isn't payback, is it?"
Steve grinned and looked up the length of the rope. "Why would I do that?"
Jones waved a hand to get our attention. He called out, "Sounds like we were right. Dr. Zola's on the train. HYDRA dispatch just gave them permission to open the throttle. Wherever they're going they must need him bad."
Dernier pulled out the gliding rigs from a bag and began to hand them out as Steve put on his helmet. Bucky took one and passed another to me. I took it and fiddled with the pulley to make sure it was secure. Bucky wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me to his chest, planting a firm kiss on my lips.
"What was that for?" I asked, breathless, when he released me.
"Just because you look pretty with snow in your hair," Bucky murmured in my ear.
"Guys, really?" Steve asked, looking at us pointedly.
Falsworth pulled the binoculars down from his eyes. "You'd better go fast because they're moving like the devil," he warned.
"We've only got about a ten second window!" Steve called as he attached his rig to the line. "You miss that window… we're bugs on a windshield."
"Mind the gap," Falsworth said with grim humor.
"Better get moving, bugs!" Dugan called.
"Now!" Dernier called, and Steve went. Bucky slung his rig up onto the line as Yori jumped from her perch and began to swoop towards the train. "Now!" Bucky went sailing down the line after Steve as I attached my rig to the line. "Now!"
I kicked off and I was flying after all of them towards the train. Steve landed first and Bucky dropped onto the car behind him. I was on the car behind Bucky. Yori dropped down next to me. An updraft caught her wings and nearly pulled her off balance. I grabbed her wrist and she seized mine, keeping each other stable for a moment while Yori got her wings folded.
"Come on!" I called, and we bent low to try and reduce the wind's pull, following Steve and Bucky along the top of the train over to a ladder that wrapped around the side of the train. Yori was the lookout. She remained up top, crouched by the ladder as Steve, Bucky, and I slid over the side and into the train. I slid the door shut behind us.
We were in a cargo car. The whole place was metal and lined down the middle with shelving that held crates and cases containing what was presumably HYDRA weaponry. More crates and shelves lined the outer walls of the car.
Steve crept up one side of the car, Bucky and I up the other. Bucky led the way with his rifle. Steve paused by the open door to the next car, looking back at us. He nodded and then made his way forward into the next car. Bucky and I started forward after him.
I smelled the person before I heard the doors closing. "Trap!" I yelled, but it was too late. The door between the cars slammed shut, separating Bucky and I from Steve. I ducked and Bucky shot over my head. I shot my phalanges out as well before Bucky grabbed me and tugged me behind a case for cover. Bullets hit the walls of the car over our head.
"Isn't this just our luck?" Bucky muttered as the bullets rattle. I nodded and kicked off the wall, shooting myself over behind a crate on the other side of the train as Bucky stood up to return fire as a distraction. Thankfully, the man who was firing on us didn't notice me. Bucky dropped back as the HYDRA soldier fired a volley, coming up the aisle closer to me. I forced a knife from my palm and pull my gun free, tense and waiting for him to get close enough.
Bucky pulled his sidearm and fired three times, giving himself cover to dart over to join me on the other side. I stayed crouched while he stood up, the solid presence of his legs against my side comforting as we both fired from behind the case. We ducked back as the HYDRA soldier fired on us.
Bucky cursed as his gun clicked. He was out of bullets and, with one last round fired, so was I. I had my bones and my teeth but Bucky was up the creek without a paddle.
The door behind us swung open and I whipped around, ready to tear into whatever HYDRA soldier had decided to join the fight. Instead it was Steve, holding his sidearm by the barrel. Bucky dropped his gun and caught the one Steve tossed him as he charged out. Steve shield-slammed one of the cases, sending it sliding along the shelf and forcing the HYDRA soldier to duck out of the way. Bucky stood up sharply and I thrust a hand out, firing on him now that he was exposed. He dropped like a stone, dead.
Slowly, we all loosened a little. Steve and I straightened up and Bucky stepped out from behind the crate.
"I had him on the ropes," Bucky said, staring down at the man with Steve.
The sound of something charging up make us all whip around. A hulking HYDRA soldier stood in the doorway with some sort of gigantic weapon, a barrel glowing blue tucked under each arm.
"Get down!" Steve yelled and shoved Bucky behind him, raising his shield. I threw myself back into the corner, bracing against the wall of the car as the blast went off. It glanced off Steve's shield and hit the side of the train, blowing it open with a burst of fire and blue energy. The blast knocked Steve off his feet and the jerk to the side of the train knocked me off balance.
Bucky was the only one still close to stable. He seized Steve's shield and raised it before him, a determined glint in his eye as he fired on the man with the double-barreled weapon. Something about seeing him like that, bravely facing the man down, made both pride and fear circle in the pit of my stomach. My blood felt slow and sluggish and I knew that something bad was about to happen.
The next blast caught the shield and Bucky didn't have the strength Steve did, to hold it against a strike. The shield went one way and Bucky went another. The shield landed safely inside the train car, and Bucky flew out.
"No!" I screamed and ran for the hole. Steve seized his shield and hurled it at the man, knocking him down.
"I've got longer arms," Steve said, and pulled me back. I was only conscious I was crying because I could feel the tears freezing on my cheeks as the wind roared past us. Steve stretched as far as he could towards Bucky, clinging for dear life onto a battered bit of rail on the blown-out side of the train.
"Bucky!" Steve yelled as he began to climb out onto the side of the train. "Hang on!" Bucky's hand slipped as he tried to move closer to Steve and I saw the fear on his face, in his eyes, in every line of him like I'd never seen before. I'd never been very religious but I prayed at that moment to anyone who would listen, begging for Bucky to somehow, someway, survive this.
"Grab my hand!" Steve shouted, stretching the limb out. Bucky's hand reached for him wildly but they were too far away. The stretching and bouncing threatened the already tenuous hold the railing had on the side of the train. With a great squealing of metal, it and Bucky fell.
I would never forget the sound of his scream as he realized what was happening, that he wasn't going to come out of this one. I would never forget the sheer and utter terror in his eyes as he fell. I would never forget the way his arm stayed raised and stretched towards us as he plummeted, like he still believed one of us could be able to save him. And I would never forget the single word he screamed as he vanished into the ravine.
"Belle!"
Something inside me snapped and some part of me had the wild thought that if I could just get to him he would be okay. Without fear, without thinking about the pain or anything except Bucky, have to get to Bucky I lunged for the hole in the train.
"Josie, no!" Steve's arms closed around me like a vice as he threw himself into the train.
"Get off me, Steve, get off!" I shrieked, clawing at him desperately as he pinned me to the ground with his weight. "I have to… I have to… I can… We can still save him!"
"It's too late..." Steve's voice was choked, but it wasn't that which brought me out of my spinning thoughts. It was the warm, wet spots that I felt fall onto my throat. Steve was crying, brave, fearless, perfect Steve was as broken as I was. If there was anything that could be done, Steve would have been doing it.
The sound that came out of me wasn't human, nor was it feline. It was somewhere in the middle, a wailing roar of grief and anger and sadness and lost love that ripped my throat. I could barely breathe as the tears rolled faster and faster down my cheeks. Instead of fighting to get loose from him I was clutching Steve like a lifeline, shuddering helplessly with the force of my sobs.
"H-He's gone…" Steve murmured into my neck. "He's gone."
Josie didn't speak as they stopped the train and took Zola into custody. Josie didn't speak on the way back to London. Josie didn't speak when Peggy hugged her or when Howard kissed her cheeks, or when Phillips clapped her on the shoulder. She didn't speak when Steve looked at her helplessly before fleeing to his own room to deal with his grief and guilt.
Yori was left to watch Josie, who hadn't said a word. Ever since she'd been pulled off the train and her heart-wrenching sobs finally, finally stopped, she hadn't done much of anything, really. She walked on her own, and she followed where she was lead. She stared straight ahead, he face utterly slack and blank. But it was her eyes that made Yori's heart bleed. She said nothing but her eyes screamed her pain as much as if Josie had opened her mouth and really shrieked.
"Come on, tora," Yori said, wrapping her arm around Josie. She looked to Howard and mouthed, "Gwen." Howard was as pale and shaky-looking as if he'd actually been there. He didn't seem to know what to do with himself. He immediately nodded and rushed off to deal with his assigned task. As much as Yori wanted to go to Guinevere herself, she knew that Josie needed her more.
Josie walked, but there was no sign that she really registered where they were going at all as Yori guided her to the door of the room she shared with Bucky. Yori hesitated, but she didn't think that taking Josie to an empty room would be any better.
"To the shower," Yori urged her gently, pushing her into the room. "Then to bed."
Josie walked into the bathroom with Yori following. Yori waited, but Josie just stood there, staring blankly at the mirror and shuddering slightly every few minutes. Yori sighed and with a pained wince she began to carefully undress Josie, piling her clothes in the hamper. Yori got the temperature warm and, with a hand on her elbow, she guided Josie into the shower. Josie stood under the water, shuddering. It was only when she sniffled that Yori realized that Josie had begun to cry again, the tears mixing indistinguishably with the water running down her face.
Yori ended up shampooing Josie's hair for her and then working in conditioner. She soaped up a washcloth and scrubbed Josie all over before guiding her out of the shower and wrapping her in a towel. Yori sat her down on top of the toilet. Somehow it seemed almost sacrilegious to break Josie's silence with the sound of a blow dryer, so Yori began the lengthy process of toweling Josie's hair dry and combing it out.
"Let's get you into some pajamas, okay?" Yori said, gently picking Josie up and urging her out into the room. Everywhere there were signs of Bucky – one of his shirts tossed on the chair by the table, a pair of his shoes poking out from under the bed, and a picture of the two of them at Camp Lehigh framed and sitting against the lamp. In front of the picture were their pocket watches and Josie's ring and locket – things they treasured too much to take on missions with them.
"Can you get dressed on your own?" Yori asked her quietly.
Josie said nothing for the longest time, and Yori thought that was a no. She reached to pull the towel off of Josie when she dropped it herself and moved towards the closet. She pulled out a long satin nightgown in a dark reddish purple color with black lace. Yori winced, knowing the decision of that particular nightgown had been conscious. Josie had once mentioned that Bucky loved her in that one.
Once Josie had pulled on the nightgown she paused, like she didn't know what to do. Then, like a fish on a line, she drifted towards the table. She picked up Bucky's shirt and brought it to her face, inhaling deeply. It might have seemed like a strange thing to do if Yori hadn't understood how important scent was to Josie and how much she'd loved Bucky's sent. That breath of him seemed to bring a little bit of Josie back to life. She pulled the shirt on instead of a robe and moved towards the bed. She laid down under the covers and scooted towards the middle, one leg and an arm thrown over onto Bucky's side. If he had been there, she would have been wrapped around him.
Yori pressed a hand to her mouth as tears rolled down her own cheeks. She loved Josie so much but she could only imagine how the woman was feeling and she had no idea what to do here. She was lost and helpless. There was no one for her to punch but a man that she assumed she wouldn't be allowed anywhere near for his own safety.
Yori debated a hundred things that could possibly make Josie feel better. She could slide into bed with her and hold her. She could fetch Steve from his own grief to try and talk to her. Yori could sit down and sing until she fell asleep. She could haul Zola in here and throw his bloodied corpse at Josie's feet. She could go out and cut off the Red Skull's head. She could simply… let Josie grieve.
Grief was something Yori knew well. She'd lost a lot of people in her century of life and she knew that everyone dealt with it differently. It was simply finding out how they dealt with it.
"Josie," she asked simply, "what do you want from me?"
Silence reigned for several long minutes. Yori stood and waited patiently for her answer. Finally, Josie spoke her first words since Bucky had fallen.
"There's nothing anyone can do."
"Okay," Yori said respectfully. "Then I'll be back tomorrow with breakfast."
