Duo mustered every ounce of courage he had. Heero had told him that there would be a meeting to discuss next steps now they knew what the courts wanted, but Duo had not expected so many people to be present. The whole crew of the Peacemillion was to attend, plus Heero and Relena, plus Milliardo and Noin, Sally and Howard, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei. Duo couldn't help but wonder if there was a single person that hadn't been invited to this gathering.
Quatre presently escorted him through the hallway leading from the medical bay to the conference room, a walk Duo knew well. He had insisted on a shower for himself, a change of clothes, and the removal of the dressing from his almost completely healed wound. Duo wanted everything to be as close to normal as possible both for his own comfort and as a way to show the others, particularly those with whom he'd not spoken, that all was well, even if everyone knew differently. To his great credit, Quatre complied with every request.
The door to the conference room loomed at the end of the hall, and Duo could not help but think to the last time he'd entered. Just more than two months ago, it was, in May on the evening before his test flight. At that point he'd been more confident than he'd ever been before, proud and looking stately in his regalia. He had considered the uniform for a while, but decided that he felt too sheepish and cowardly and self-conscious to put it on, and those emotions themselves made him feel worse. Quatre had suggested something more casual from his civilian wardrobe, and Duo accepted with grace. He had exited the med bay in comfortable, characteristic blacks.
"Remember, Duo," Quatre said as he raised his fingers to the door's opening mechanism, "this isn't a place for judgment. We're just going to talk, and for all we know you might not even be a huge part of the conversation. Heero asked you to be here as a courtesy to keep you informed, not because he expects you to do any work."
"I can do work," Duo protested. He felt tired of feeling babied and pampered. He didn't want people walking on eggshells whenever he entered a room. Yet still, Duo understood his volatility of late and had been trying consciously to keep his emotions in check.
"That's not the point," Quatre replied. "We all know you work hard. But right now the focus is on getting you healthy. That's a tough job by itself."
Duo wanted to say that he was healthy, or at least as healthy as he was going to get under the circumstances. The wound on his stomach had healed completely enough that there was no risk of it reopening, all the bruises had faded, the minor cuts and scrapes disappeared. All that seemed to be left were thoughts that had not been in his head prior to the incident, which told him he wasn't good enough, that he wasn't worthy of life, that he needed to change, and though they had not decreased in frequency or intensity, Duo had, for the most part, been able to ignore them. After all, he'd only succumbed to anxiety once in the last two days in the medical bay.
"Are you ready?"
With a deep breath, Duo nodded, and Quatre opened the door.
The conference room was as it had always been, with chairs lined at long conference tables. All seats were full except for two at the front that remained conspicuously empty. All eyes turned to the pair as they entered, and Duo could not help but look at the floor. He couldn't bring himself to make eye contact, and felt worse because he knew that before all of this he would have greeted every one of those people with full eye contact, a wide grin, and a firm handshake.
Quatre ushered him into the chair beside Howard, and Duo sat down heavily, his hands folded in his lap, and stared at his fidgeting fingers. Howard patted him gently on the back and asked how he was feeling, but Duo did not respond. He was too busy thinking: How many times had he occupied this seat before? Hundreds of times, and each one of those times he had commanded the attention of the entire room. Howard had called it charisma; Sally called it well-earned respect. But now he commanded the attention of the room for entirely different reasons, reasons of disgust and curiosity, and Duo could feel their eyes crawling across his back like tiny ripples radiating out from the point where Howard had touched him.
He noticed he was holding his breath.
"Relax," Quatre whispered soothingly. "Just relax."
"All right, let's get this started then," Duo heard Heero's voice moving closer from the back of the room, and felt the rush of air as he passed by. "Thanks to all of you for showing up on such short notice." As Heero passed, he rapped his knuckle twice on the table where Duo sat in what had come to be known as a casual hello, are you ready to go? between the two of them, a gesture that Duo often employed when he was commanding the room and Heero sat in this very chair.
"We've got nine days to get this project done," Heero continued without missing a beat, "so I'm going to give you all the details up front. All of you are aware of how we got to this point, so there's no sense in telling that story again, but we need to talk about what we do from here on out, and that's why we're here. We've got a mobile suit cockpit that needs to become operational separately from its actual suit, and not much time to make that happen. Zechs and I," Heero motioned toward Milliardo, seated at the back of the room, "removed the actual mechanism from the suit in the hangar. I started rewiring the control boxes last night, but there's probably another four hours of work there alone. Milliardo began drafting plans for the chassis which you, Trowa and Wufei, will help us construct. We hope that the finished product will house the cockpit and controls from the suit in such a way that the monitors will be visible to all parties, whether that means we're hooking up additional displays or whatever. Zechs and I put together some ideas that'll help get us off the ground but they're rudimentary at best."
"Heero," Quatre interjected, and Duo looked up for the first time. The tone in Quatre's voice had been one of utmost concern, even alarm, but Heero remained impassive. "What's it for?"
Heero replied as he kneeled to power on the room's projection system, but he did not shy away from the question. "There's no easy way to tell you all this, but Duo's going to have to go back under. He received a letter the other day mandating he demonstrate the capabilities of the system to the courts."
"What?" Quatre cried, and he rounded back suddenly to look at Sally, who appeared equally confused. "Did you know about this?"
Poe shook her head. "First I've heard."
Duo felt guilty he hadn't said anything. So many opportunities to tell them had come and gone, and yet he'd remained notably silent on the subject of his hearing. He just didn't want to upset anyone.
"Can you be more specific with what they want?" Quatre asked, his attention back on Heero.
"I don't know for certain," Heero replied. He produced a tablet from the projection stand and poked at it for a bit, until a sloppy blueprint displayed on the wall. Heero's angular, all-capital writing overlapped with Milliardo's flowing script in such a way as to be scarcely readable at all. "Zechs thinks it's a stress test, or at least a way to measure the actual effects of the cockpit system on the brain."
"But they can't accurately recreate what went on in that suit without putting the drugs back in his system, and even then we don't know what kind of dosages they were using."
"That's what they want us to do, regardless," Heero insisted.
As they argued, Duo felt heat rising in his chest and fought to push it back down. He wondered if telling Quatre earlier would have prevented this discussion at all. They were talking about him as if he wasn't sitting in the room with them, as if they'd forgotten he was a real human with real input and emotion and fear.
"I can't do that," Quatre said, his voice confident and absolute. "That goes against every oath I've ever taken. We just finished cleaning him out and now you want me to fill him back up? Absolutely ridiculous."
"I agree with Quatre!" Sally called from the back. "And if both your doctors are against it, you've got no choice but to disregard the order."
"I don't disagree with you two," Heero argued, the slightest hint of desperation in his voice. "But it's not my call to make. The way I see it, we've got two choices: Number one, we comply with the order, Duo is exonerated because of the evidence, and we detox him again and with fewer complications this time because he's not hurt and we've got control. Number two? We disobey the order, he's found guilty, dishonorably discharged, probably jailed, Peacemillion will be out of commission, Relena will lose her job and credibility, and every one of us who's ever had any dealings with Duo Maxwell, personal or professional, will be completely out of work and unemployable."
"You're being a little presumptive," Sally said loudly. "Asking them to reconsider won't hurt anything."
"Asking them to reconsider would indicate to them that we've got something to hide."
It didn't take long for the room to break out in argument, and Duo felt himself trembling in his seat. Too many people had already suffered because of his actions, and now more were being inconvenienced and upset. They should not be arguing over it, he thought, there shouldn't be a question about what was to happen at trial. All of this should have been his own decision, but he was too afraid to make it. Under the effects of the drug he had turned into a monster, killed millions, ruined lives including his own; without the drug, he had lost all confidence in himself, his integrity had crumbled, and he knew as well as anyone else that the Duo Maxwell wandering about Peacemillion had become a mere shell of his former self.
He felt Quatre rise at his side and turn around, heard his voice calling out above the rest in as angry a tone as Quatre Winner had ever produced. This was the most damning thing of all. Ordinarily Quatre was gentle, kind-hearted and slow to anger, but this development had pushed him in new ways. His patience had run out, yet there was still so much more to be required.
"Duo, son, are you all right?"
Duo scarcely heard Howard's question at all. His stomach felt like it had turned to water and was presently gurgling angrily at him. A lump had risen in his throat such that even if he had wanted to he couldn't have answered. Howard reached out to touch his hand, but before he ever got close something snapped inside, and without ever intending to, Duo found himself on his feet, quaking and terrified and angry.
"I'll do it!" he roared, and the room went so silent he could hear his pulse pounding away in his ears. "Just shut up, and sit down, and quit arguing with each other! I'll do the goddamned tests! I'll take the goddamned drug! I don't care; I just want this to be over!" His fists were clenched at his sides, his eyes were closed, and he dared not open them. He felt himself panting, felt his heart racing faster and faster. His eyes were growing hot. He shook out his hands and pressed them to his forehead as Quatre urged him to sit, but instead of accepting the assistance Duo pushed him away, perhaps too roughly, he did not know, and yelled; "Get off of me!" perhaps too loudly. And then, embarrassed and ashamed, he rushed from the room.
ф
Noin had watched the fight with great interest from her seat at the back of the now silent room. She watched Heero assist a slightly disoriented and entirely flabbergasted Quatre from the ground. Howard made a move to chase after Duo only to be shut down with a look and a very stern, "No," from Heero. In fact, the entire room remained otherwise silent for several full minutes after Duo's sudden outburst and subsequent departure, until at length Trowa, of all people, said, "Well, that was new," and it seemed that the meeting might resume.
With a glance to Milliardo she pushed herself to her feet and politely excused herself, saying that all the excitement had caused her to need a bathroom. With her hand on her ever-growing stomach, she hobbled from the room to find Duo.
The ship was eerily empty for being so large, and Noin poked her head into empty room after empty room on her trek down the long hallway. The last time she had been aboard the great ship there had been noise everywhere, voices calling, keyboards tapping, people rushing all around. Now the only sound was the hum of the ion propulsion engines, a low monstrous groan that filled the ship from its core.
Expectedly, Noin found Duo in the medical bay. Bent double, one arm against the wall and acting as head rest, the other grasping a bin. He was in the midst of violently retching when she opened the door. Noin's stomach turned just slightly, but she entered all the same and looked around. She found it amazing how the medical bay had seemed to change in her absence. The last time she was in the room the stasis chamber had been its central feature, and monitors beeped and hummed with Duo's vitals. All the other medical equipment had been pushed to the side to make space. Now, the place had been adapted into a functional apartment, with a small cot where the stasis chamber used to be, a metal frame desk against one wall with matching chair, with medical equipment in out-of-the-way but accessible positions.
Noin made for the metal frame chair, took a seat, and waited for Duo to finish.
Eventually he let the bin drop back to the ground and leaned fully against the wall, his forehead pressed flat against its metal panels. He gave no indication that he knew Noin had even entered.
"Do you feel better?" she asked tentatively.
Instead of answering, Duo shuffled to the cot and sat heavily down, his head in his hands. Noin could see him trembling from halfway across the room. She felt guilty for asking the question. Of course he didn't feel better.
"Was Quatre hurt?" Duo asked, his voice a low and quiet croak.
"You might've hurt his feelings, but otherwise I think he's fine," Noin replied candidly. She hoped that speaking in a conversational tone might help Duo feel more at ease, but still he did not look at her.
"I hope I didn't upset anyone."
Noin grimaced slightly. "You're probably the most upset of anyone who was in that room, just from the look of you."
Duo sighed and lay back on the cot, his arm draped over his eyes. He looked more exhausted than Noin had imagined. His skin was pale and clammy, a likely byproduct of being sick, but his whole body seemed fragile, thin, and worn out. There was an entirely feeble air about him, a pallid look in the structure of his face.
"I want you to know—someone to know—that I meant what I said in there." Duo's voice was returning slightly. "I'll go back in. I…" He seemed to choke on the word, and Noin could see him biting his bottom lip, though whether it was in thought or to suppress some unwanted emotion she did not know. "I think it will be for the best."
"The choice is yours to make. It was," Noin paused to evaluate her words carefully, "unwise for Quatre and Heero to keep you out of the conversation."
"No," Duo objected. "I don't care that they talked about it. I'm telling you that I…" He choked again, and his mouth moved as if attempting to form a word that he just couldn't force out.
"What?" Noin asked gently.
"I need to go back on."
"To go back on…"
Duo shifted slightly, pressed his palms firmly against his eyes and shuddered. "The Quell."
Noin leaned back, her eyebrows furrowed. She remembered Duo in their first days of captivity: His ultra-calm, slightly-too-blunt demeanor had alarmed her. But when weighed against what he had become in the drug's absence it seemed almost preferable. At least in that state he had been able to communicate clearly, to say the things that needed to be said without the interference of unnecessary emotion.
She said nothing.
"I can't find myself," Duo continued weakly. "I've been out of that godforsaken stasis chamber for weeks, and I can't figure out what part of me got left in there, or what part of me was blown to hell in the detonation. I've got all of these terrible thoughts in my head, and I can't separate them out. I can't prioritize. They just come and hit me and it's a constant…"
"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Noin said, and she truly meant it. The last thing she had wanted to do by coming to find him was upset him further.
"Yes, I do!" Duo said, and it was half a sob. He drew a sharp breath and blew it out, calming himself for the time. "I have to talk to someone, damn it. I can't talk to Heero, he's too close. I can't talk to Quatre because…I don't know…I just can't. I can't talk to Sally because all she does is baby me and coo at me and treat me like a child. Howard…Damn it…"
For a moment, Noin thought to rise and move to comfort him, but she could not bring herself to do it. She worried that moving too close would scare Duo, would cause him to shut up again. The way Heero had talked, after his fifth drink the night of the party, Duo had scarcely said a thing to anyone at all, at least nothing of consequence. Noin didn't want to be the one to screw it up.
"I want my mind to be clear," Duo said at last, and he sounded resigned, suddenly calm again. "I want to cooperate with the investigation. I have nothing to hide, and you of all people know that. But I can't be of help if I'm this…Insane."
Noin could think of nothing to say except, "What can I do to help?"
Duo rubbed at his eyes. "I have one favor. I've been thinking about it all the time and I don't know how to ask. I don't know that I have the right to ask. If it turns out that this whole situation screwed me up beyond repair, and I'm going to be drugged for the rest of my life…"
"What do you need me to do?"
Noin felt desperate. It sounded as though Duo was on his deathbed.
"I need you to get Hilde aboard this ship. As soon as possible. I'll take the injection as soon as I've spoken to her, but I have to tell her…"
Before she knew what she was doing Noin found herself on her feet, walking toward the cot. Perhaps it was merely the additional hormones, but the implication of Duo's words had moved her to near tears. She stopped at its side and bent low with great effort to pat Duo's shoulder gently. "I'll have her aboard this ship as soon as I can," she said, and then she left him to himself.
