A/N: I do not own "What I've Done" by Linkin Park


Jack whimpered and realized it was his fault that Jamie had left; he practically knew what Malfor had said to him as if he'd been standing there himself. Jack's life was a lie, that was true. He had been living a lie for longer than he cared to think about. He knew he should have just told Jamie... He had meant to, had almost done so and then suddenly things had happened so fast and then... it was too late. He'd been so careless... so stupid... he should have told Jamie about it right after Chris had appeared. Maybe then... As he gave himself over to the tears, he swore he heard a song echoing his thoughts... Maybe it was just his imagination... in his mind, but the song he thought he heard seemed to only make his tears slip faster.

In this farewell... there's no blood, there's no alibi

'Cause I've drawn regret...

From the truth of a thousand lies...

So let mercy come and wash away

What I've done...

So many lies... to Jamie... North... Bunny... Tooth... even Sandy... Who could he turn to? Who knew the real him? He knew the answer to that, but he knew he couldn't return to those who did. He'd gotten away from all that... he thought so anyway... he'd wanted a new life... Jamie had offered him that and more... that fateful Easter had been a new beginning... He'd screwed it up... so very badly...

I'll face myself, to cross out what I've become

Erase myself and let go of what I've done...

He had run from the truth... from what he'd become... Jamie had been steadfast for him through so much... He didn't know how Jamie had stayed with him up until now. How was he supposed to let go when it had driven away the one person who had become more than just a friend, but who had become his light in the darkness? He wanted to just curl up and die... to be someone else... anyone else...

Put to rest, what you thought of me,

While I clean this slate with the hands of uncertainty

So let mercy come and wash away what I've done...

Why couldn't it be so easy to just erase the past? Could he truly face Jamie as he really was? How could he ever hope to for anything from the other... he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve mercy; how many times had he told Jamie that he deserved all the pain he got? How many times had they gone through it? Jamie had argued time and again... told him that he loved him, that he wasn't a monster... but could anyone truly love someone like him? He was a monster... a thing not worth living... and yet as much as he longed for death he had dared to hope... to dream.

I'll face myself, to cross out what I've become

Erase myself and let go of what I've done...

For what I've done...

Let go... he wished he could... Just to erase who he was, who he had been... he wanted to be the spirit he had always told Jamie and his friends that he was. Had tried so hard to be... He wasn't though and he knew he never could be. No matter how much he wished he could be. It just wasn't going to happen. He cried until he had no more tears to shed and his body simply gave up in exhaustion.

With the setting sun Jamie felt numb. As he watched the stars twinkle above he began thinking again. Well, he came to as a spirit not knowing what his purpose was ... He'd figure this out. Jamie sighed softly as he found a place to sleep, it took a while to find a cavern that would be away from the waves; but even as he settled in he found that his sleep would not be a peaceful one. For the truth and his own pain would haunt him even though he had sunk into sleep beyond dreams. The pain made him toss and turn in the night and the next day would see him more exhausted for it.

Jack whimpered in his sleep, crying a little as his sleep was anything but peaceful; not even Sandy could give him good dreams and eventually had to send him into a dreamless sleep so that he could sleep well enough to heal. The little Guardian had seen the nightmare that haunted the winter spirit and knew it could only mean one thing. Jamie knew the truth. A truth that Sandy had been keeping to himself for a great many years. Jack had been living the lie so long that, had he not seen for himself, the dreamweaver would easily have believed that lie to be truth. Sandy had pressed Jack, on a few rare occasions, to tell the others... Jamie especially... but it seemed as if Fate had other plans. Jamie had found out on his own. Not just from anyone either, but from the enemy. The golden Guardian feared the worst for Jack, that this had done what Jack likely feared himself that telling the truth would do... that he had finally driven away the one person who meant the most to him in the world. The one person who had been able to break through to him in his darkest times... Who had been a shining light for him since that fateful Easter... That the love he had wanted so desperately to protect by keeping this a secret... had actually driven that love away. Sandy felt for Jack, he really did; he knew what it was like to love and to lose.

Jack had so desperately clung to a lie to try to protect Jamie, fearing that the truth would make the other spirit come to hate him or fear him, but in the end it seemed that lie could be what had torn them apart. Everyone had a breaking point, was this Jamie's? Was the lie the one thing that the other spirit could not abide by? Even if it had been well meant? Jamie had been through a lot with Jack, the little Guardian knew this, but to be told that all he knew was a lie... that had to be a huge blow. How did one recover from something like that? How could someone? For all his years, Sandy had no answer to that question; he only hoped that Fate did not see that this revelation be what ultimately tore the two winter spirits apart for good. Sandy had seen what happened to spirits that this sort of thing happened to. It was a very sorry and sad thing indeed and he would not wish it on anyone... not even his greatest enemy. Jack, he knew, was already showing signs of that very thing. Their youngest member, and one of the most powerful among them, was wilting like a flower without the sun. That was what Jamie was for him, the other Guardian had come to see this... Jamie, Jack's first believer had become the spirit's reason for doing what he did now.

Without Jamie around, as the days slowly passed, the other Guardians could do nothing as their youngest member sank deeper and deeper into despair. He refused to eat or spread snow, and sleep only came if Sandy or Roxas... sometimes even both... forced him to it. Jack refused to do anything else, barely responded to anything any of the others said. He only seemed interested in taking care of Roxas or staring out a window as if he expected Jamie to suddenly show up, but he was silent as he went about his task of caring for the child he had been once so pleased could be... He ceased speaking as well, not even to Roxas who knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was. It was a strain on them all, to see their fun-loving, happy-go-lucky comrade become silent and sullen. Withdrawing further and further from the world each day; kept alive only by the presence of his young son, who served as a constant reminder of what he had done... or had not done. At the end of his ropes from watching Jack wilt further and further from eight straight days of Jamie's absence, Bunny finally snapped at Jack; it was after he'd put Roxas down for a nap.

"This is ridiculous mate. Ye need ta do something besides be here!" Jack didn't respond to the comment.

"Come on frostbite." No response to that either. It disheartened him further, fueling his anger.

"Ya know, I thought he had more than that in 'im. Guess he's nuthin' but a bloody coward!" He growled. That got a reaction. Jack turned to him suddenly and Bunny yelped as he found himself blasted backwards by a cold wind, frozen solid to the wall by ice.

"Damn it frostbite!" He yelled, but he had to admit... that was something. It was the first reaction any of them had gotten out of him all week. Bunny wasn't sure if he should feel some pride that Jack still had it in him to stick up for the other spirit or feel worse because it meant Jack was so deeply loyal that he struck out just at a few words against the other. Jack still hadn't said anything, but Bunny hadn't missed the way Jack had flinched just as the mention of Jamie. It had been so slight though that he almost had missed it. After that incident the others redoubled their efforts to get him to do something or say something... perhaps even just react, but without luck. A week became two weeks... three... a month... three months...

The Guardians eventually lost track how long it had been since the incident and the last time that any of them had seen Jamie; for just as Jack was silent to them and unresponsive, so did Jamie seemed to have vanished off the face of the planet. They had searched many nights for the other winter spirit without luck. After four weeks straight of searching they realized that it was likely he was avoiding them and simply did not want to be found. Strange as it was, because Bunny had talked to every Earth spirit he knew... even tried to enlist the help of other seasonals through Mother Nature, but Mother Nature hadn't had any more luck than any of them. Tooth had talked to every spirit she'd known that flew the skies... North to every mythological creature, but none of them had seen the missing winter spirit. Not even the fire spirits who had combed the beaches and caverns could find any trace of him. It was the strangest thing. Nearly all of the spirits in existence were keeping their eyes out for Jamie, as they owed the Guardians in some way or another... but none ever saw him. Rather, any who did didn't remember that they had because the whole time he was being searched for, Jamie had simply blended in with other humans simply by ignoring any spirits he saw and chatting up his believers as if he were merely another teenager. He blended right in, wearing a thick winter coat and a hat that were water proof... which meant his powers couldn't frost them.

He knew they were looking for him. He'd overheard a couple of autumn spirits talking about how they didn't know what he looked like aside from wearing a hoodie like Jack's. He'd made himself scarce from the area, that had been the first week... he'd gotten the coat and hat then. Even found himself a pair of sunglasses for during the day too, just in case. His believers were a little confused at first, until he'd told them he was incognito and didn't want to be found by any spirit that might pass by so while he started snowball fights he never used his power to make snowballs or make it snow least it give him away. It was the perfect cover and at night, he made sure no spirits were around before he would fly to one of his believer's homes if he didn't just spend the day with that particular child. It was a lot like having a family again and made his heart ache... but he still managed, in the odd hours of dawn to make it to the pole every other day or so to see Roxas. He stared up at the ceiling, laying on a sleeping bag that Andy, the believer he'd chosen that night to stay with, had provided him with. Thinking of Roxas brought a small smile to his face. A rare thing these days. He hadn't told any of his believers what was wrong but they had picked up on it; they knew that things weren't fine and that something weighed on him pretty heavily. Some of the older believers asked, but he told them it was something that wasn't really his to tell. A select few had pushed and prodded, asking more about it; he'd simply told them that he had learned something he had thought was true had turned out to be a lie. He refused flat out to tell them what, however; normally clamming up if they attempted to pry it out of him. He might not trust Jack anymore, but that didn't mean he was going to simply ruin Jack's entire existence by ousting his secret to all the believers who asked him. Jamie had made a point of never staying at the house of those who had prodded him for more answers. He knew it shouldn't matter, that he shouldn't have that kind of loyalty to Jack still... but he did. He'd gritted his teeth and bit his tongue when any of them had asked about Jack, but he'd happily talked about how much Roxas had grown and how he was beginning to talk. Roxas, his little lightning bug, was his pride and joy.